Monday Night Football: Chicago vs Pittsburgh

Two teams on the verge of an improbable playoff berth meet up tonight in a make-or-break game. And speaking of 'breaking', both teams have a propensity for turning limbs in the wrong direction and making skin turn unnatural shades of purple when they're through. It's hard to think either team could be prepared for extra-curricular games whether they win or not, so we should extend our gratitude for their exhibition of the following bloodbath. Should points somehow be scored, we'll have to tack that up as a bonus.


Quarter One
Rookie Darren Lewis out of Texas A&M takes the short Gary kick to his team's 39-yard line. Coach Ditka sends out his scrap heap of an offense, led by the beaten and battered Jim Harbaugh, who proceeds to get things rolling with a pass to Wendell Davis that shears the grass about 10 yards in front of his intended receiver. The ball is given to the ghost of Neal Anderson who runs up the middle for 3 yards, followed up by a more successful gallop of 16 after breaking a few tackles at the line. Davis is a bit closer to the ball on Harbaugh's first down pass, though the Steelers defense is prepared with double coverage of the star receiver. On second down, Harbaugh launches the ball in Keith Jennings' direction instead, and the open receiver lays out for the pass to punch an exclamation point on Chicago's impressive opening drive.

Chicago leads 7-0

Able-bodied Dwight Stone fails to cross over his team's 10-yard line on the kickoff, putting his team in a precarious position against one of the NFL's most advantageous defenses. Mike Singletary starts the party for the Bears' defense with a sack of Neil O'Donnell to the 2-yard line. Barry Foster gets some positive yardage on second down with a 6-yard run to open up some breathing room, though it's still 1 yard too short when Dick Dent barrels around the line, undetected, for a safety of O'Donnell.

Chicago leads 9-0

Lewis fumbles the kick return, though the Pittsburgh fans in attendance are forced to exhale disappointment when the Bears' special teams bails him out with the recovery. From the 40-yard line, Brad Muster takes control with two runs of nearly 20 yards to boost the immediate sales of neck rolls across the country. The streaking drive nearly comes to a grinding halt when Harbaugh throws a dangerous pass into coverage. He's saved for one more play with even Pittsburgh being averse to his throws, though he'd more than likely give it back after Greg Lloyd indents his body into the field and picks up his fumble for a long return to the Chicago 40-yard line.

Quarter Two
Merrill Hoge makes his presence known with three straight runs to start Pittsburgh's next drive. The first one goes for 4 yards, while the second goes for 6. The third goes for -25 when he bobbles the ball at the line and Ron Cox runs it back for Chicago.

Tom Waddle continues his All-Star campaign for Chicago with a 20-yard reception he's forced to lay out for. With his spotlight apparently burning a bit too bright, Waddle fumbles the ball away after another 15-yard reception, allowing Davis  to scoop it up and run a few more yards. Brad Muster keeps Neal on the oxygen reserves with two runs netting 11 yards for a first down to the Pittsburgh 15, though it's the ghost of Chicago's past who is open in the flat for a touchdown catch. Neal's now up to 9 receiving touchdowns to 0 rushing, making about as much sense as Chicago's gargantuan lead over Pittsburgh after just a quarter and a half.

Chicago leads 16-0

Stone breaks open a big return to the Pittsburgh 39-yard line, setting his team up for just their fifth offensive play of the game. It starts off innocently enough with Foster bumping into his own line, before he breaks through and tears down the field to the Chicago 9-yard line. With a bit of time to spare, the Steelers try to get inventive with a Hoge run up the middle that's stuffed at the 2-yard line. Pittsburgh is rewarded for their cuteness with a Singletary sack of O'Donnell for a 9-yard loss, putting them in a 3rd-and-goal situation from the 11-yard line. O'Donnell finds tight end Adrian Cooper at the 3-yard line, though the Bears are waiting for him like hungry...bears. Defeated, the Steelers send Gary Anderson out to chip in a 20-yarder as the half comes to a close.

Chicago leads 16-3

Halftime - Bears 16, Steelers 3

Quarter Three

Pittsburgh gets chance number two after Stone's return to the 27-yard line. Jeff Graham out of Dayton, Ohio, makes a remarkable grab at the 42-yard line. When Foster and Hoge are both stopped at the line on consecutive plays, O'Donnell goes back to the air and finds Graham open once more for a 49-yard gain after a long run along the sidelines. With the hit out, Graham cautiously avoids O'Donnell's next pass, putting the ball back in Foster's hands. He runs to the 2-yard line, setting up an opportune 1st-and-goal situation that sees Merril Hoge run backwards and Graham once again punting the ball that comes his way. On a big 4th-and-1, the man that should have gotten the ball 3 plays ago does so and Foster runs into the end zone untouched.

Chicago leads 16-10

Beginning at their own 25, Chicago is looking to answer Pittsburgh's first big score. Their ensuing drive offers up more questions, however, with Harbaugh faking a run and throwing to Anderson's back followed by a hobbled Anderson getting washed over by a wave of Steelers. On 3rd and 9, David Little has Harbaugh questioning which day of the week it is with a big sack to stamp an impressive defensive stop.

Stone rides the momentum to the Pittsburgh 40-yard line on the punt return. Foster, second only to the cyborg in Dallas, continues his breakout campaign with a 35-yard run that puts Chicago on their heels long enough to set up O'Donnell's beautiful rainbow pass to Graham for the tight-end's much deserved touchdown to give Pittsburgh their first lead.

Pittsburgh leads 17-16

Gary Anderson kicks the ball off his ankle, giving Chicago good field position at their own 44-yard line. Muster pulls in a nice 18-yard grab just in time to flip the field and get his team driving.

Quarter Four
The fourth quarter starts off a bit slower for the Bears, with Muster only mustering 2 yards and Jennings tickling the bottom of the aired out ball on 2nd down. Muster gets just 3 more yards, putting Kevin Butler on the field to attempt a 52-yarder. The ball sails about as far right as Mike Ditka's new aorta will after his next bypass surgery.
 
O'Donnell starts the pity party with a needled pass to Cooper up the middle for a 15-yard gain, followed by another 10-yarder to Graham. Those two plays will have to remain in his obituary, however, after he's buried on two straight sacks from Mike Singletary netting 18 yards in the negative. On 3rd-and-28, O'Donnell's fractured body attempts play action, though it's possible he actually was trying to give the ball away, leaving his splintered and wobbly arm to lob up a lame duck for Donnell Woolford to intercept for a late-game chance to put his Bears back in the lead.

The Anderson-Muster duo gets off to a slow start with just 2 combined yards, and though Harbaugh's cross-body pass to Davis sails hopelessly wild, Singletary's effectively positive yardage for the Bears is enough for Butler's second chance from 47. His kick is straight and true this time, allowing Chicago fans to rejoice with just over a minute to go.

Chicago leads 19-17

After a hefty kick from Butler, the Steelers are staring at a long field from their own 3-yard line. Hoge heroically makes it a memory with a 40-yard saunter after dodging a near-tackle in his own end zone, followed by another run to midfield as the clock hits the minute mark. Two plays later and facing 3rd-and-8, however, O'Donnell opts to use his arm but finds his beard out of lucky strokes as his pass falls harmlessly incomplete. Going for broke on 4th down, Hoge tries to catch the Bears' 'D' off guard once more, which he nearly does when Chicago gives up 7 of the 8 needed yards. 

Final: Bears 19, Steelers 17

It's hard to say who needed the game more, though it appears the Bears played as if they did with a busy day from their defense, namely Mike Singletary and his 4 sacks, as well as an effective-enough Jim Harbaugh taking advantage of opportunities to steal the win from the Steelers. Barry Foster had a monster day from an average back's perspective, though he didn't have an answer for the tough Chicago defense when it mattered most. Meanwhile, the usually quiet Jeff Graham had a solid day wasted, though his performance showed off yet another weapon for the Steelers who, despite the loss, still control their destiny going into the wild card race. The Bears are playing tough late, and as long as the Vikings continue to collapse, their blowout losses earlier in the season could be distant memories as they neck roll through the playoffs.
 

Week Fourteen: The Apoca-Lipps is Nigh

Here we are, at the beginning of the end of another Tecmo Bowl season. Tis the season for spiked egg nog and apocalypse predictions, and for some of the teams on our schedule the world is truly about to end. As far as scheduling goes, it's the fourth quarter with no clear indication of who's going to pull ahead in five of six divisions. In the NFC West, the Falcons and Saints are tied atop the division with neither team showing any give. Both teams are stacked, from Atlanta's Neon Deion to New Orleans' Bobby Hebert and his dynamic corps of Eric Martin, Quinn Early and...Louis Lipps? (Okay, we're stretching). For the AFC West, it's only a matter of how badly the Chargers want some type of postseason advantage. It's the pre-Norv Turner days in San Diego, though that doesn't mean choking isn't in their bolted blood. Let's see how much longer they can prolong the hopeful misery in their division.

1:00 Games

L.A. Raiders (6-6) * Kansas City (2-10)

The Raiders aren't making an improbable surge to a division championship easy with this throwaway game going Kansas City's way. The Chiefs scored 14 points in the 4th quarter of a game Los Angeles was hardly in to begin with. A week after shaming the sure-handed Stan Humphries to stay alive, the Raiders secondary was gobbled up by a starved and rabies-infested Dave Krieg who tossed for 245 yards, 116 going to concrete-footed running back-turned-receiver Barry Word.  

Final Score: Chiefs 35, Raiders 24

Dallas (8-4) * Denver (5-7)

With Kelvin Martin out early, the Cowboys trod dangerously close to their first loss in five games. Rushing leader Emmitt Smith yanked them out from the claws of defeat with another stellar day of 115 yards on 10 carries, slightly outdoing Reggie Rivers' 7-for-29 day. While quarterbacks Troy Aikman and John Elway weren't a clinic in efficiency, it was the younger phenom that led his team to an important victory with 170 yards and no interceptions to Elway's 194 with 2. The Broncos wave goodbye to the 1992 playoffs in the process.

Final Score: Cowboys 21, Broncos 17

San Francisco (8-4) * Miami (8-3-1)

The rising tide in South Beach continues as Dan Marino rides the wave of 374 passing yards to victory over the suddenly stalled 49ers. San Francisco quarterback Steve Young had one of his better days as well with 78% completion and 257 yards, though his demons revolted a bit earlier in the game with 2 interceptions, including a costly one that had them lose in overtime in the end. Miami increases their gap in the AFC East, while the 49ers are quickly finding themselves being the first of the three heads to be lopped off in the NFC West. 

Final Score: Dolphins 41, 49ers 35 (OT)

Houston (8-4) * Chicago (8-4)

After being silenced all game, Warren Moon went to his happy place and took his team through the air for a late score to win. The Bears won the time of possession game, putting late-season All-star Brad Muster on the ground for 17 carries and 111 yards, out-rushing Lorenzo White's 69 yards on 6 attempts. It was White out of the backfield for Moon that won the game, however, catching 3 passes for 109 yards including the game-winner. The illicit haze in the AFC Central is beginning to settle with Houston in a dominant lead. 

Final Score: Oilers 16, Bears 14

San Diego (9-3) * Phoenix (1-11)

The Phoenix Cardinals' probable last win of the season is a stinging one for the San Diego Chargers, who will have to halt the presses in South America for another week with this one-point loss to the worst team in Tecmo. With Nate Lewis going out early, Stan Humphries stalled at 220 yards with no rushing game to speak of. The Cardinals took charge at that point, putting Johnny Bailey on the ground for 86 yards until his own injury. With his recent struggles, John Carney will likely have to buy his own ball cap should San Diego finally win the division. 

Final Score: Cardinals 31, Chargers 30

Washington (7-5) * N.Y. Giants (3-9)

The Redskins take a hugely unfortunate step back in their campaign to retain their championship with this questionable loss to the Giants. With Hampton rushing a 10-yard average 125 yards on 12 attempts and Jeff Hostetler surpassing the 200-yard marker on the day, the Giants cruised to an improbable successful spoiler win over Washington, whose own Mark Rypien had no answers for a secondary that picked him 3 times and held him to just 116 yards. After a disappointing season, New York has this Sunday to revel in the spoils. 

Final Score: Giants 28, Redskins 21

Philadelphia (9-3) * Minnesota (8-4)

A puzzling day in the NFC East continues with this Eagles loss to the hobbled Minnesota Vikings. Rich Gannon was efficient enough to deliver his Vikings a much-needed win late. Randall Cunningham threw 83% and 142 yards, though 100 of those yards were notched on just 2 catches by Fred Barnett, and the gassed Eagles defense was on the field for one play too many. Minnesota moves one step forward in a repeat claim, knocking the cheese out of the lungs of Packers' fans' playoff hopes in the process. 

Final Score: Vikings 24, Eagles 20

Green Bay (4-8) * Detroit (3-9)

With the scoreboard-watching going south for the Packers, the Detroit Lions pulled out yet another convincing win despite their own lopsided record. Barry Sanders was a yard shy of 200 after 18 carries on the ground, making up for much of the Lions' offense. Brett Favre came unglued once again, throwing 276 yards with 124 going to Jackie Harris, but his untamed arm also cost the Packers two possessions with interceptions by a hungry Lions team. It's back to another long, cold winter of skunky beer for Green Bay.

Final Score: Lions 23, Packers 21

Cleveland (5-7) * Cincinnati (6-6)

The battle for Ohio takes on somewhat added meaning with this contest, as the Browns pull out a very important win to stay alive in their division as well as the wild card race. After dropping 4 straight, Cleveland got back on track by defeating the team they last won against. The defense of the Browns won the day, making a depressing Tomczak performance look Marino-esque in comparison to Boomer's 42% and just 89 yards throwing. Cleveland hopes to stay under the radar after the win, as those are the best conditions for Coach Belichick to ferment.

Final Score: Browns 24, Bengals 14

4:00 Games

Pittsburgh (7-5) * Seattle (4-8)

The Steelers took care of business against Seattle after big wins by Houston and Cleveland, uncorking Barry Foster for another jaw-dropping performance of 124 yards on only 6 carries. His 37 yards out of the backfield were more than half of Neil O'Donnell's 62 yards, a man that looked totally inept compared to the inconsistent yet effective Stan Gelbaugh and his 223 yards with 2 interceptions. The long season for Seattle ends with the sound of a squeaky carousel coming to a slow and silent stop.

Final Score: Steelers 35, Seahawks 21


N.Y. Jets (7-4-1) * Buffalo (7-5)

The New York Jets wished they'd played the Buffalo team of the first half of the season, as they might have been able to fool them into losing like they've done 7 other times. But with Thurman Thomas outrunning Brad Baxter 163 yards to 50, the battle for quarterbacks disowned by their high schools raged in utter silence between Browning Nagle's 132 yards to Jim Kelly's 80 with an interception. Buffalo pulled out the win in overtime, something they may have failed at earlier, and their fourth win in a row is enough to seal the deal on New England and Seattle's official playoff pipe dreams. 

Final Score: Bills 20, Jets 17 (OT)

L.A. Rams (6-6) * Tampa Bay (5-7)

Had the Rams played in an alternate dimension of divisions, they'd be in good shape for a late-season playoff surge. As it is, they're now playing for respect and a hard-fought wild card spot as they notch another solid win against Tampa Bay. Jim Everett was key with 241 yards, aided by Cleveland Gary's 81 yards on 7 rushes, silencing the lethargic Buccaneers who, at this point, couldn't even raid their own sisters' panty drawers. Tampa Bay drops out of the NFC Central race while also clinging on with sheer indifference to a wild card spot.

Final Score: Rams 27, Buccaneers 21

Indianapolis (2-10) * New England (3-9)

The Colts win in rousing fashion against their airless opponents in the AFC East, ending a team-worst 10-game losing streak with a rout of the Patriots. Not only did Jeff George throw an unblemished 266 yards, he was also able to fool the Patriots defense long enough to let Anthony Johnson run unchallenged for 139 yards on 14 carries. Kevin Turner continued his one-man band show with 89 yards on just 7 carries, but it wasn't enough to pull his Patriots out of the pit of the late season Toilet Bowl game. 

Final Score: Colts 34, Patriots 10 

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Before you find yourself with the need to hide your excitement of our Monday Night game between Atlanta and New Orleans, be sure to check our belated 4th Quarter report!  Butt Douglas and the Lodgefather hit the inside track to deliver you thoughts and predictions on these last 4 exciting weeks of football. The Power Rankings continue, though this time they're broken up into groupings as to where they stand in the playoff pecking order. Take a listen during your tailgate party, and then be sure to join us for our first-place tiebreaker in the NFC West between the surging Falcons and the sinful Saints! All the slurry sweetness of the Southern contest will have you checking your blood sugar early and often!

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PLAYOFF SCENARIOS (3 GAMES TO GO):

AFC East

Miami (9-3-1)

Buffalo (8-5) -1.5

NY Jets (7-5-1) -2 (Lose AND Mia win and out)

New England (3-9) E

Indianapolis (2-10) E

AFC Central

Houston (9-4)

Pittsburgh (8-5) -1

Cincinnati (6-7) -3 (Lose and out OR HOU win and out)

Cleveland (6-7) -3 (Lose and out OR HOU win and out)

AFC West

San Diego (9-4) – DIVISION with win OR Raiders loss

LA Raiders (6-7) -3 (Lose and out OR SD win and out)

Denver (5-8) E

Seattle (4-9) E

Kansas City (3-10) E

Wild Card

Buffalo (8-5)

Pittsburgh (8-5)

NY Jets (7-5-1)

Cincinnati (6-7) -1.5

Cleveland (6-7) -1.5

LA Raiders (6-7) -1.5

Denver (5-8) -2.5 (Lose and out OR BUF, PIT and JET wins and out)

Seattle (4-9) E

Kansas City (3-10) E

New England (3-10) E

Indianapolis (3-10) E

PLAYOFF SCENARIOS (3 GAMES TO GO)

NFC East

Dallas (9-4)

Philadelphia (9-4)

Washington (7-6) -2 (Lose AND DAL or PHI win and out)

NY Giants (4-9) E

Phoenix (2-11) E

NFC Central

Minnesota (9-4)

Chicago (8-5) -1

Tampa Bay (5-8) E

Detroit (3-9) E

Green Bay (4-9) E

NFC West

Atlanta (10-3)

New Orleans (9-4) -1

San Francisco (8-5) -2 (Lose AND ATL win and out)

LA Rams (7-6) -3 (Lose and out OR ATL win and out)

Wild Card

New Orleans (9-4)

Philadelphia (9-4)

San Francisco (8-5)

Chicago (8-5)

Washington (7-6) -1

LA Rams (7-6) -1

Tampa Bay (5-8) -3 (Lose and out OR SF or CHI win and out)

Detroit (4-9) E

NY Giants (4-9) E

Green Bay (4-9) E

Phoenix (2-11) E

Week Eleven: O'Donnell's Simple Mustache Machine

It's sure to be an eventful week with many middle of the road teams looking to break out from their exile in mediocrity. Week eleven is also notorious for a few apple-cart upsets for teams in the playoff hunt. Who the victims are this week remains to be seen, though we'd assume the teams treading a tightrope all season are in for some hurting. The Vikings, Cowboys and Jets have played tough, but their staying power may only be as long as the time between Rich Gannon's menstruation periods. Other teams like Pittsburgh and Washington have made great runs to nose their way back in, though it's hard to say that the weight of Neil O'Donnell's mustache won't tip the lever to the other side of the fulcrum. Of course, we could either continue making petty predictions or we could just dive into the games as they progress. We'll assume by your bored silence you prefer the latter, so let's hit it!

1:00 Games

San Francisco (7-2) * New Orleans (8-1)

The incestuous NFC West kicks off with Steve Young putting on a seminar for Bobby Hebert. Young threw 238 yards, finding his receivers 71% of the time, to Bobby's 201 (not including the yards thrown to 3 of San Francisco's secondary). The 49ers also dominated the all-important ground game in sending Tom Rathman to the wolves of New Orleans' normally nasty rush defense, collecting 93 yards and a score of his own. San Francisco pulls itself back into a first place tie behind Mike Cofer, with no signs of these horses tiring any time soon. 

Final Score: 49ers 24, Saints 21 (OT)

Buffalo (4-5) * Miami (6-2-1)

Speaking of a horse race, the donkeys of the AFC East collide in what used to be a pretty marquee match-up for the division. Marino outgunned Kelly once more, but it was the rise of Thurman Thomas and his 153 all-purpose yards that crowded the division just a bit more. The Dolphins' one-sided pass attack showed its flaws this week, whetting the whistle of their foes, though despite the loss they still lead this very shaky race by virtue of choosing not to win against New York.

Final Score: Bills 31, Dolphins 23

Philadelphia (7-2) * Green Bay (3-6)

The first of our clairvoyant upset picks reared its ugly head with the return of Sterling Sharpe rousing his troops into action against the usually-dominant Eagles. Behind quarterback Brett Favre, the Packers staged their first comeback win, going ahead late with Favre's 238 yards, 0 picks and a 90% completion rate. Jackie Harris was still Brett's stud despite Sterling's return, but perhaps he was the voice needed to start what Green Bay hopes is a resounding comeback late in the season after this solid win against Philadelphia. 

Final Score: Packers 31, Eagles 30

Atlanta (7-2) * Phoenix (1-8)

Andre Rison limped off the field after catching 3 Chris Miller balls for 116 yards, enough to fight off a valiant Cardinals' comeback to keep Atlanta in their division's menage a trois. Miller was a force to be reckoned with, edging out in the NFL's new marketing scheme, entitled 'The Battle of Chris-es', by throwing 262 yards with a 91% completion rate to Chandler's 286/62% split. Randal Hill did his best Rison impersonation with 3 catches for 114 yards, though doing so with an empty Atlanta secondary is somehow slightly less impressive.

Final Score: Falcons 34, Cardinals 31

Houston (6-3) * Minnesota (7-2)

The Oilers continue their winning ways by way of reigniting Minnesota's losing curse as Warren Moon connected for 337 yards all over the Vikings defense. Curtis Duncan picked the largest straw in Moon's receiving corps, catching 7 balls for 195 yards, though Rich Gannon kept it close by throwing 265 yards, 184 of those to his emerging favorite target in Cris Carter. The Vikings were tough in defeat, keeping some wind in their sails, while the Oilers, even after a slow start, continue to find ways to stay afloat despite taking on the water weight that is Lorenzo White.

Final Score: Oilers 30, Vikings 24 (OT)

Tampa Bay (4-5) * Chicago (5-4)

The Bears continue to find more ways to separate themselves from the muck of the rest of their division, including pulling out a win against Tampa Bay in the face of a 14-point deficit in the 4th quarter. The Buccaneers let it slip away after Brad Muster invoked his angry troll voodoo spell and ran roughshod over Tampa Bay's defense for 133 yards on 14 carries. Until then, the story of the day was Jim Harbaugh's 47 passing yards, a number that, much like a certain presidential candidate, may come back to haunt him when training camp rolls around next season. 

Final Score: Bears 21, Buccaneers 17

Denver (3-6) * New York Giants (3-6)

In another dimension, it'd still be a game nobody cared about with two quarterbacks that usually err on the side of abysmal trying to out-suck each other. Once again, Jeff Hostetler ran away with it, unable to cross over 200 yards passing yet again and having no help on the ground from Rodney Hampton. Reggie Rivers was also a thorn in John Elway's side, prompting him to light up for 220 yards with fewer mistakes than normal to put another meaningless win in the column for the most underachieving team in football. 

Final Score: Broncos 21, Giants 14

L.A. Rams (4-5) * Dallas (5-4)

Dallas escaped a sure upset with another solid day of running from Emmitt Smith, who tacked on another 102 yards to his league-leading rushing stats. Cleveland Gary also had a stand-out game, running for 111 yards on 10 attempts, though that number loses some flavor when put up against Jim Everett and his 45% completion rating and just 105 yards thrown on the field. Though Troy Aikman didn't fare much better with just 127 yards and a pick, his name will be the one not confused with a female tennis player come playoff time. 

Final Score: Cowboys 24, Rams 20

New England (1-8) * Indianapolis (2-7)

The annual Toilet Bowl comes late to the 1992 Tecmo season, and it doesn't disappoint with the two featured teams combining for a 3-15 record. New England still runs away with this one and delivers upon the Colts their fitting 8th loss in a row behind an other-worldly performance from Kevin Turner and his 251 all-purpose yards. It's hard to say how many volumes are spoken when Turner has become Hugh Millen's favorite target, throwing 102 of his 162 yards to Turner. Be sure to stick around; the plunger may be needed for a double flush when these two teams meet again in Week 14.

Final Score: Patriots 34, Colts 7

4:00 Games

New York Jets (6-2-1) * Cincinnati (4-5)

The Jets miss out on their first great opportunity to take sole ownership of the division since tying Miami behind rookie quarterback Browning Nagle's worst outing of the year. Throwing just 85 yards with a pick, Nagle made Boomer Esiason feel like it was 1988 again despite just throwing 126 yards, 81 of them to emerging star Carl Pickens. Harold Green made his return to relevance as well, topping out at 108 yards on 9 carries, and suddenly Cincinnati is getting the ol' late November itch again, getting back to .500 after losing 5 in a row.

Final Score: Bengals 31, Jets 10

Pittsburgh (5-4) * Detroit (2-7)

One team that's surpassed the Bengals on the AFC Central totem pole is Pittsburgh, who, behind Neil O'Donnell's resourcefulness, pulled out a fifth consecutive win. O'Donnell was firing on all cylinders, making up for Barry Foster's first real off-day by still finding him out in the field for 83 yards to add to his total of 206 for the day. Rodney Peete found his restored roar quieted by the steel curtain, reverting back to his old ways with just 146 yards and a pick. With no Barry Sanders to cover for him, Peete's Lions are already seeing sandy beaches, even before their contractually-obligated Thanksgiving Day game.

Final Score: Steelers 21, Lions 10

L.A. Raiders (4-5) * Seattle (2-7)

After valiantly falling short of a heroic comeback last week, Raiders' back-up quarterback Todd Marinovich put on an uninspiring performance of just 111 yards with a 62% completion rating. Luckily for him, he got to play a back-up high school scrimmage team in the Seattle Seahawks, led by art school dropout Stan Gelbaugh. With Gelbaugh's season progressively getting worse, it's hard to see him finish out the season before Kelly Stouffer is called upon to play the same position as guys like Bart Starr and Joe Montana.

Final Score: Raiders 27, Seahawks 10

Kansas City (2-7) * Washington (5-4)

With Kimble Anders leading the team in rushing with 25 yards and Dave Krieg only throwing for just 87 with 2 picks and a 21% completion rating, it's hard to see how the Chiefs didn't score negative points in this game. Earnest Byner remained a paragon of resilience, rushing 95 yards on 11 attempts, while Mark Rypien had one of his best days throwing with 251 yards, 113 to star receiver Gary Clark. The Redskins are heading the right way up the Appalachians; we just hope they can avoid any toothless, banjo-playing, crooked-fingered Brian Baldingers on the way to a playoff spot.

Final Score: Redskins 35, Chiefs 3

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We're hitting the stonier soil now with our next Monday Night match-up, pitting San Diego and Cleveland against each other in a strange pairing of AFC contenders. In what would normally be a late-season walkover for the Chargers, they'll now meet a Browns team hungry for a 17th game behind Coach Bill Belichick. Cleveland had won 5 straight to put them in a first place tie with Houston, but after resorting back to their early season antics in a pivotal head-on collision with their big brothers last week it's hard to say which Browns team we'll see tomorrow night. For San Diego's sake, they hope it's one that they'll use to put themselves further out of reach in the West as Stan Humphries gets poised for another miraculous playoff run. He'll have to contend with sack-leader Anthony Pleasant, who will be anything but as he tries to send Stan back to the pound and get his Bad News Browns back in the win column.

Week Eight: A Pleasant Sunday Afternoon

There's been a lot of excitement going on around the expanded universe of Tecmo. In this alternate dimension, sports networks focus their documentaries on following the exploits of a niche group of Tecmo cultists in the cold, barren northwoods of Madison, Wisconsin rather than the actual superhuman exploits of athletes, and for that we couldn't be more pleased (though we did see a nice blend of the two when Christian Okoye, the Nigerian Nightmare himself, played against...himself...in a contest of Tecmo). In the midst of this magical week, the men and women here at The Tecmo Bowl suffered a bit of oversight and didn't get our weekly 'Looking Ahead' feature done for the second time this year. To make up for this egregious error, we would like to offer up this candid photograph of sack-leader Anthony Pleasant to you, our congregation, for your faithful following so far this year. Now to the games!

1:00 Games

Philadelphia (4-2) * Phoenix (0-6)

It's an NFC East rematch between these two, with a chance for the Cardinals to complete a big upset for their first win of the season. Unfortunately, these nomads from the desert must continue in their search for the elusive victory, as the Eagles shut the door early on another important divisional victory to keep the lead. Randall Cunningham nearly struggled to outplay Chris Chandler, with the two throwing for a combined 418 yards and 4 interceptions (2 each). Uncharacteristically for a team with a bird mascot, it was the Eagles' ground game that sealed the win, with Herschel Walker and Cunningham combining for 171 rushing yards on just 9 attempts.

Final Score: Eagles 28, Cardinals 6

Chicago (3-3) * Green Bay (2-4)

With another unnamed team in the NFC Central riding a bullet, it's now a battle for bragging rights deep in the middle of the division. The Packers are skidding horribly behind their rookie quarterback, Brett Favre, who once again struggled for control. He completed 83% of his passes for a promising 324 yards, though apparently the other 17% of his throws were to Bears defenders, as they picked him off 3 times to seal the win in their comeback march. With Brad Muster returning, the Bob Christian Express takes a backseat; though we think the Bears have found a way to keep from derailing for now.

Final Score: Bears 33, Packers 28

Washington (2-4) * Minnesota (6-0)

It's a rematch of last year's NFC Championship game, though in this contest it appears only one team has a real shot of returning. The Redskins still get Minnesota's number, however, shutting Rich Gannon down to just 66 yards passing with a pick. Mark Rypien was stoically efficient, completing about half of his passes for 152 yards and no turnovers, while Earnest Byner and Terry Allen competed for yards on the ground, 87 yards to Allen's 95. With the score suggesting this game could've gone either way, we think there was a Roger Craig de-pantsing somewhere near the end zone as time ran out.

Final Score: Redskins 21, Vikings 14

New York Giants (2-4) * Seattle (2-5)

Two 2-win teams that were in the playoffs last year compete in this meaningless mid-season battle, with the Giants coming out on top behind the rise of Jarrod Bunch and his 98 rushing yards. Seattle's momentum comes to a screeching halt when someone apparently pinched Stan Gelbaugh awake long enough to throw just 133 yards with 2 interceptions. Unfortunately for Seattle, a sleeping Gelbaugh may have played better than Jeff 'the Walking Dead' Hostetler, whose 94 passing yards with a pick put this win on the backs of his defense, a horde of running zombies who have a particular taste for Chris Warren's brains.

Final Score: Giants 27, Seahawks 13

Detroit (1-5) * Tampa Bay (3-3)

A week after their disappointing loss to Chicago, the Buccaneers have a chance to get back on the wagon by playing yet another inferior opponent in the Lions. It's a return game for Detroit, who have a chance to get just their second win while also driving a stinger deep into Tampa Bay's playoff hopes. The Bucs' defense held strong, however, walling up Barry Sanders and crushing Rodney Peete, who had no options all day. Vinny Testaverde threw just 177 yards, 144 of those to Lawrence Dawsey, though we still think the Vinny mask will be the most popular come Wednesday evening.

Final Score: Buccaneers 19, Lions 3

Pittsburgh (2-4) * Kansas City (2-5)

Don't look now, but the Steelers still have a chance to save their season when they take on the underwhelming Chiefs out of Kansas City. Each of Dave Krieg's completed passes were to his own receivers, but K.C.'s porous defense couldn't keep from blowing the game in the final seconds. Pittsburgh leans heavily on Barry Foster once again, giving him 168 yards on the ground combined with a 52-yard pass to put him over 200 on the day, and the formula that new coach Bill Cowher has been looking for was right beneath his nose the whole time. Nobody wants to play against a mustache that mean.

Final Score: Steelers 27, Chiefs 20

Indianapolis (2-4) * Miami (4-2)

With a chance to right the ship and shake up the waters in the AFC East, the Colts collide head-first with the rising Dolphins of Miami. And once again, the 'Phins coast behind Dan Marino and his 275 passing yards, with 140 of those going to Philadelphia cast-out tight end Keith Jackson. First overall pick Jeff George is still enjoying his vacation in the land of mediocrity, lobbing up a lazy 158 yards for just a 40% completion rating, simply unable to keep up with the explosive offense out of South Beach. The Colts lose their fifth in a row, and at this rate they'll be lucky if the commissioner lets them play five more.

Final Score: Dolphins 28, Colts 20

4:00 Games

Buffalo (3-3) * New York Jets (4-2)

In what is likely the game of their season, the Jets look for a mid-season upset of Buffalo to keep pace. And with Browning Nagle at the helm, who could doubt this Gang Green squad? Keeping his composure in the second half, Nagle and his Jets scored 17 unanswered points to edge out the defending division champion Bills. Once again, Jim Kelly and Thurman Thomas collapsed in the final quarter and a half, with Kelly only connecting for 116 yards and Thomas able to find 50 on the ground in 10 attempts. This may be the season where we see which way the toilets flush in Buffalo.

Final Score: Jets 24, Bills 21

Houston (4-2) * Cincinnati (3-3)

These two AFC Central participants collide for the second time in three games, with the Bengals desperately needing a win to end their 3-game skid. The Oilers didn't let up, however, with Lorenzo White eating up a struggling Bengals' rush defense for 55 yards on just 4 attempts. The Bengals attempted to play catch-up through the air, with Boomer Esiason finding rookie Carl Pickens on 5 connections for 162 yards. Unfortunately for Boomer, two of his passes found the hands of Oilers' defenders, which may have told the story of Houston's victory, also one of the best stories to read for insomniacs.

Final Score: Oilers 34, Bengals 24

San Diego (5-1) * Denver (2-5)

After a humbling 0-4 start, the Broncos secured two impressive victories before sacrificing John Elway to lose again last week. This week, the stables unleashed Elway back into the field to launch the ball for 265 yards and a late score to beat the coasting Chargers. Stan Humphries nearly matched Elway pass-for-pass, both completing 52% with Humphries throwing 249 yards of his own. The Chargers' also out-ran the Broncos, but whenever you carry the ball there's always a chance for a game-changing turnover. Which is why Denver perhaps chose to run the ball just 3 times for a total of 0 yards.

Final Score: Broncos 24, Chargers 21

Cleveland (3-3) * New England (1-5)

The Browns have won three games in a row, but they'll be the last to let anyone point that out for fear of jinxing their luck. Fortunately, for another week at least, that luck will continue with drawing New England as their next opponent. Kevin Mack assisted in the heroics of Mike Tomczak, bringing in 91 yards receiving before going out with an injury, while Eric Metcalf led the ground force with 101 yards. Alongside the anomaly of their offensive output, the Cleveland 'D' continued to thrive by picking Hugh Millen twice and forgetting to lock Anthony Pleasant's cage door.

Final Score: Browns 35, Patriots 17

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It's Halloween Week at The Tecmo Bowl, and what can be scarier than a winning Raiders team on the national stage? This means fans with spikes coming out of their lips, fans with skulls emerging from their chests, and Jay Schroeder with some confidence. Emmitt Smith and Eric Dickerson are two of the league's best rushers, with quarterbacks Troy Aikman and Schroeder emerging from the muck of last year to become two of the league's better captains. The Cowboys have to be shaking a bit in their cleats with this match-up coming along at the worst part of the season as they try to keep up with the Eagles in the NFC East. As long as they can avoid a hungry Raiders' defense, fans wielding axes, and NWA mistaking them for cops, Dallas should have a decent shot at getting back in the win column.