Week Eleven: O'Donnell's Simple Mustache Machine

It's sure to be an eventful week with many middle of the road teams looking to break out from their exile in mediocrity. Week eleven is also notorious for a few apple-cart upsets for teams in the playoff hunt. Who the victims are this week remains to be seen, though we'd assume the teams treading a tightrope all season are in for some hurting. The Vikings, Cowboys and Jets have played tough, but their staying power may only be as long as the time between Rich Gannon's menstruation periods. Other teams like Pittsburgh and Washington have made great runs to nose their way back in, though it's hard to say that the weight of Neil O'Donnell's mustache won't tip the lever to the other side of the fulcrum. Of course, we could either continue making petty predictions or we could just dive into the games as they progress. We'll assume by your bored silence you prefer the latter, so let's hit it!

1:00 Games

San Francisco (7-2) * New Orleans (8-1)

The incestuous NFC West kicks off with Steve Young putting on a seminar for Bobby Hebert. Young threw 238 yards, finding his receivers 71% of the time, to Bobby's 201 (not including the yards thrown to 3 of San Francisco's secondary). The 49ers also dominated the all-important ground game in sending Tom Rathman to the wolves of New Orleans' normally nasty rush defense, collecting 93 yards and a score of his own. San Francisco pulls itself back into a first place tie behind Mike Cofer, with no signs of these horses tiring any time soon. 

Final Score: 49ers 24, Saints 21 (OT)

Buffalo (4-5) * Miami (6-2-1)

Speaking of a horse race, the donkeys of the AFC East collide in what used to be a pretty marquee match-up for the division. Marino outgunned Kelly once more, but it was the rise of Thurman Thomas and his 153 all-purpose yards that crowded the division just a bit more. The Dolphins' one-sided pass attack showed its flaws this week, whetting the whistle of their foes, though despite the loss they still lead this very shaky race by virtue of choosing not to win against New York.

Final Score: Bills 31, Dolphins 23

Philadelphia (7-2) * Green Bay (3-6)

The first of our clairvoyant upset picks reared its ugly head with the return of Sterling Sharpe rousing his troops into action against the usually-dominant Eagles. Behind quarterback Brett Favre, the Packers staged their first comeback win, going ahead late with Favre's 238 yards, 0 picks and a 90% completion rate. Jackie Harris was still Brett's stud despite Sterling's return, but perhaps he was the voice needed to start what Green Bay hopes is a resounding comeback late in the season after this solid win against Philadelphia. 

Final Score: Packers 31, Eagles 30

Atlanta (7-2) * Phoenix (1-8)

Andre Rison limped off the field after catching 3 Chris Miller balls for 116 yards, enough to fight off a valiant Cardinals' comeback to keep Atlanta in their division's menage a trois. Miller was a force to be reckoned with, edging out in the NFL's new marketing scheme, entitled 'The Battle of Chris-es', by throwing 262 yards with a 91% completion rate to Chandler's 286/62% split. Randal Hill did his best Rison impersonation with 3 catches for 114 yards, though doing so with an empty Atlanta secondary is somehow slightly less impressive.

Final Score: Falcons 34, Cardinals 31

Houston (6-3) * Minnesota (7-2)

The Oilers continue their winning ways by way of reigniting Minnesota's losing curse as Warren Moon connected for 337 yards all over the Vikings defense. Curtis Duncan picked the largest straw in Moon's receiving corps, catching 7 balls for 195 yards, though Rich Gannon kept it close by throwing 265 yards, 184 of those to his emerging favorite target in Cris Carter. The Vikings were tough in defeat, keeping some wind in their sails, while the Oilers, even after a slow start, continue to find ways to stay afloat despite taking on the water weight that is Lorenzo White.

Final Score: Oilers 30, Vikings 24 (OT)

Tampa Bay (4-5) * Chicago (5-4)

The Bears continue to find more ways to separate themselves from the muck of the rest of their division, including pulling out a win against Tampa Bay in the face of a 14-point deficit in the 4th quarter. The Buccaneers let it slip away after Brad Muster invoked his angry troll voodoo spell and ran roughshod over Tampa Bay's defense for 133 yards on 14 carries. Until then, the story of the day was Jim Harbaugh's 47 passing yards, a number that, much like a certain presidential candidate, may come back to haunt him when training camp rolls around next season. 

Final Score: Bears 21, Buccaneers 17

Denver (3-6) * New York Giants (3-6)

In another dimension, it'd still be a game nobody cared about with two quarterbacks that usually err on the side of abysmal trying to out-suck each other. Once again, Jeff Hostetler ran away with it, unable to cross over 200 yards passing yet again and having no help on the ground from Rodney Hampton. Reggie Rivers was also a thorn in John Elway's side, prompting him to light up for 220 yards with fewer mistakes than normal to put another meaningless win in the column for the most underachieving team in football. 

Final Score: Broncos 21, Giants 14

L.A. Rams (4-5) * Dallas (5-4)

Dallas escaped a sure upset with another solid day of running from Emmitt Smith, who tacked on another 102 yards to his league-leading rushing stats. Cleveland Gary also had a stand-out game, running for 111 yards on 10 attempts, though that number loses some flavor when put up against Jim Everett and his 45% completion rating and just 105 yards thrown on the field. Though Troy Aikman didn't fare much better with just 127 yards and a pick, his name will be the one not confused with a female tennis player come playoff time. 

Final Score: Cowboys 24, Rams 20

New England (1-8) * Indianapolis (2-7)

The annual Toilet Bowl comes late to the 1992 Tecmo season, and it doesn't disappoint with the two featured teams combining for a 3-15 record. New England still runs away with this one and delivers upon the Colts their fitting 8th loss in a row behind an other-worldly performance from Kevin Turner and his 251 all-purpose yards. It's hard to say how many volumes are spoken when Turner has become Hugh Millen's favorite target, throwing 102 of his 162 yards to Turner. Be sure to stick around; the plunger may be needed for a double flush when these two teams meet again in Week 14.

Final Score: Patriots 34, Colts 7

4:00 Games

New York Jets (6-2-1) * Cincinnati (4-5)

The Jets miss out on their first great opportunity to take sole ownership of the division since tying Miami behind rookie quarterback Browning Nagle's worst outing of the year. Throwing just 85 yards with a pick, Nagle made Boomer Esiason feel like it was 1988 again despite just throwing 126 yards, 81 of them to emerging star Carl Pickens. Harold Green made his return to relevance as well, topping out at 108 yards on 9 carries, and suddenly Cincinnati is getting the ol' late November itch again, getting back to .500 after losing 5 in a row.

Final Score: Bengals 31, Jets 10

Pittsburgh (5-4) * Detroit (2-7)

One team that's surpassed the Bengals on the AFC Central totem pole is Pittsburgh, who, behind Neil O'Donnell's resourcefulness, pulled out a fifth consecutive win. O'Donnell was firing on all cylinders, making up for Barry Foster's first real off-day by still finding him out in the field for 83 yards to add to his total of 206 for the day. Rodney Peete found his restored roar quieted by the steel curtain, reverting back to his old ways with just 146 yards and a pick. With no Barry Sanders to cover for him, Peete's Lions are already seeing sandy beaches, even before their contractually-obligated Thanksgiving Day game.

Final Score: Steelers 21, Lions 10

L.A. Raiders (4-5) * Seattle (2-7)

After valiantly falling short of a heroic comeback last week, Raiders' back-up quarterback Todd Marinovich put on an uninspiring performance of just 111 yards with a 62% completion rating. Luckily for him, he got to play a back-up high school scrimmage team in the Seattle Seahawks, led by art school dropout Stan Gelbaugh. With Gelbaugh's season progressively getting worse, it's hard to see him finish out the season before Kelly Stouffer is called upon to play the same position as guys like Bart Starr and Joe Montana.

Final Score: Raiders 27, Seahawks 10

Kansas City (2-7) * Washington (5-4)

With Kimble Anders leading the team in rushing with 25 yards and Dave Krieg only throwing for just 87 with 2 picks and a 21% completion rating, it's hard to see how the Chiefs didn't score negative points in this game. Earnest Byner remained a paragon of resilience, rushing 95 yards on 11 attempts, while Mark Rypien had one of his best days throwing with 251 yards, 113 to star receiver Gary Clark. The Redskins are heading the right way up the Appalachians; we just hope they can avoid any toothless, banjo-playing, crooked-fingered Brian Baldingers on the way to a playoff spot.

Final Score: Redskins 35, Chiefs 3

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We're hitting the stonier soil now with our next Monday Night match-up, pitting San Diego and Cleveland against each other in a strange pairing of AFC contenders. In what would normally be a late-season walkover for the Chargers, they'll now meet a Browns team hungry for a 17th game behind Coach Bill Belichick. Cleveland had won 5 straight to put them in a first place tie with Houston, but after resorting back to their early season antics in a pivotal head-on collision with their big brothers last week it's hard to say which Browns team we'll see tomorrow night. For San Diego's sake, they hope it's one that they'll use to put themselves further out of reach in the West as Stan Humphries gets poised for another miraculous playoff run. He'll have to contend with sack-leader Anthony Pleasant, who will be anything but as he tries to send Stan back to the pound and get his Bad News Browns back in the win column.

Monday Night Football: Minnesota vs. Cincinnati

With both teams poised at the precipice of perfection, the Vikings and Bengals are sure to bring their A-game tonight. For Minnesota, that includes their third-ranked rush defense, while Cincinnati is ready to release the pit bull that is Derrick Fenner. It'll be the Vikings' biggest test since Barry Sanders in Week 2, something we never thought we'd be saying about the Fenner Bender at the beginning of the season. Like we said before, getting to 3-0 can be a cakewalk for any team, what with upsets and fluke wins always a part of the game. Getting to 4-0 is the real test, and tonight only one team will pass while the other will go back to obscurity inside their own respective division. With the Oilers surging in the AFC Central, that would be a worst-case scenario for Cincinnati. Ask Vikings' fans if they're comfortable with the rising rookie in Green Bay, and they may turn a different shade of purple. Either way, we're excited to document this important early season game for you, and with our filler running out let's say we just get into it.

Quarter One
Eric Ball is the returner for the Bengals this evening, and he gets his team a decent starting position at their own 37-yard line. Cincinnati comes out challenging the Vikings' defense early with two straight pitches to Fenner which net 9 1/2 yards. Fenner converts the first down, but that's all he'll get this drive when Boomer Esiason tries to change things up and gets picked in the end zone on his dead duck pass to Carl Pickens.

Faking the famed Carter reverse, a play made popular by the Mauritania Mourabitounes national football squad, Terry Allen rushes for 23 yards. On the next play, the Mauritanians lift their chins in pride when the Carter reverse is actually called and goes for another 1st down. Winded from his minute-long run, Cris takes the bench while Anthony, no relation despite having the same Ivory Coast-shaped birthmark, heads out on the field and immediately pulls in a criminally wide-open 47-yard pass from Rich Gannon for the first score of the game. That's two French colony references for you geography nuts out there (and I know you're out there).

Minnesota leads 7-0

Cincinnati starts at their own 40 on the next drive. Future Carl Ekern "Spirit of the Game" Award winner Harold Green, also having a stellar season in his breakout year, takes the ball for 8 yards and is immediately injured by the spiteful and unsympathetic Vikings defense. Fenner picks up the first down, and fearing for his own safety takes the bench on the next play to give Eric Ball his first chance to carry the...rock. Ball plods slowly but gets 9 yards, 3 of which are erased on the next play after Chris Doleman readjusts his infrared on the newest Bengals' ballcarrier. On 3rd and 4, Ball caps off his first drive as a rusher in professional football by finding out what Doleman had for dinner.

Quarter Two
After a Lee Johnson punt that goes for a touchback, the Vikings start their next drive handing the ball off to Allen who is quickly becoming entrenched in Dave Shula's next nightmare. Allen carts around the Bengals' defense for 15 yards, waking them up for the next three plays which see a batted pass, a reunion of Allen's face with the turf, and Rich Gannon using his wheels to pick up 4 yards on a 3rd-and-17 play.

Standout rookie Carl Pickens operates with the ball for the first time in the game on a punt return. He's only upright long enough to see 19 yards, and when Ray Berry smothers Esiason for a loss of 13 on the next play, the Bengals suddenly find themselves dangerously close to the next Shula aneurysm. On a shotgun play that sees Esiason leaning up against the goal post, the ball is lobbed up to a wide open Pickens for a huge 79-yard gain. Ball nets a negatively impressive minus-3 yards on the next two plays, and when Berry swallows up a second helping of Esiason, Cincinnati is forced to settle for a Jim Breech 32-yarder. Unfortunately, they'll have to settle for Jim Breech minus the three points when his kick sails wide left.

Cris Carter, the second leading rusher on the team, nabs another 22 yards when the Carter reverse baffles Cincinnati once more. Roger Craig, the third leading rusher, is welcomed back from injury by a wall of Bengals' defenders. Allen completes the trifecta that is the vaunted Vikings' rushing attack with a 22 yard burst to the Cincinnati 30-yard line. Craig earns another week with the squad with a 23-yard catch-and-run to the 6, where Allen runs from to score with just 34 seconds left in the half.

Minnesota leads 14-0

Halftime - Vikings 14, Bengals 0

Quarter Three
Breech delivers a full power kick to the always-dangerous Darrin Nelson, who's only able to bring it out to the Minnesota 14-yard line. Anthony Carter doubles that on his second reception of the game, and two plays later nabs his third, a 35-yard connection to get them inside the scoring threshold once again. A flea flicker to Allen is courageously blocked by the Bengals' secondary, but his third fake reverse once again stuns them for a gain of 25 yards to the Cincinnati 7-yard line. They get away with two straight misfires to each of the Carters, leading to a 3rd-and-goal situation. Sucking up their stripes, the Bengals hold tough on another heart-stopping flea flicker to Carter, Anthony, batting it away at the last moment. Fuad Reveiz is on to give some fans between the uprights an all-expenses paid trip to the team dentists' office.

Minnesota leads 17-0

From his own 35-yard line, Esiason dodges a sack and connects with Pickens for 36 yards to get inside the Vikings' 30. From the shotgun formation, Esiason overthrows Pickens in the back of the end zone. Carlos Jenkins scavenges Eric Ball and Boomer for parts on the next two plays, eliciting another Breech appearance. This time, his kick is on target from 54 yards, allowing new owner Mike Brown to release one of Breech's children back to his father.

Minnesota leads 17-3

Enough time remains on the clock for Darrin Nelson to both return the Breech kickoff 68 yards and impregnate three nubile young women, while still having enough time to compliment the head referee's new cleats.

Quarter Four
Thanks in part to Nelson's stellar return and Gannon's resilience, the flea flicker survives another entry in the record books with a 22-yard touchdown connection to Anthony Carter.

Minnesota leads 24-3

Ball gets the Bengals' their best starting position of the day at the Cincinnati 44-yard line. The product of Esiason's scolding on the sidelines from Coach Shula is realized when Fenner is fed the ball on the next four plays. He totals 53 yards, but that's all that'll stay on his stat sheet after the game when Eric Ball is sent out to scrape up the final three for the Bengals' first touchdown of the game, amending his stat sheet to now include 6 total yards and a score.

Minnesota leads 24-10

Allen scoops up the onside Breech kick at the Cincinnati 48-yard line. Steve Jordan catches his first ball of the year at the 41, making the most of it with a sweet, sweet run to paydirt. The Bengals are suddenly the loneliest men on the field.

Minnesota leads 31-10

Just for 'kicks', a full-power Reveiz boot pins the Bengals at their own 7-yard line. Esiason finishes the game with two blocked passes and a 20-yard run in true Boomer fashion.

Final: Vikings 31, Bengals 10

To the winners go the spoils, and so the Vikings spoil a 'perfect' opportunity for Cincinnati and leave as only the second undefeated team, alongside the 49ers of San Francisco. The power players were in full force for Minnesota, from special teams star Darrin Nelson, to the defensive efforts of Doleman and Berry, to Allen, Carter and his other brother (not actually) Carter. Even Rich Gannon was effective in his mediocrity, successfully averaging 33% on his three flicked fleas. Derrick Fenner was obviously underutilized, a factor that can be blamed on both Coach Shula and Boomer's eternal pout. This wasn't more obvious than during the Bengals' final meaningful drive, which Fenner single-handedly constructed for their only touchdown. Cincinnati has a week to regroup before meeting the Oilers in two of their next three games, a hugely important bump in their schedule. Meanwhile, the Vikings will hope to continue churning out performances like this one--if only to keep the chilling, cruel gaze of Denny Green from making the oncoming winter colder than it has to be.