Monday Night Football: Minnesota vs. Cincinnati

With both teams poised at the precipice of perfection, the Vikings and Bengals are sure to bring their A-game tonight. For Minnesota, that includes their third-ranked rush defense, while Cincinnati is ready to release the pit bull that is Derrick Fenner. It'll be the Vikings' biggest test since Barry Sanders in Week 2, something we never thought we'd be saying about the Fenner Bender at the beginning of the season. Like we said before, getting to 3-0 can be a cakewalk for any team, what with upsets and fluke wins always a part of the game. Getting to 4-0 is the real test, and tonight only one team will pass while the other will go back to obscurity inside their own respective division. With the Oilers surging in the AFC Central, that would be a worst-case scenario for Cincinnati. Ask Vikings' fans if they're comfortable with the rising rookie in Green Bay, and they may turn a different shade of purple. Either way, we're excited to document this important early season game for you, and with our filler running out let's say we just get into it.

Quarter One
Eric Ball is the returner for the Bengals this evening, and he gets his team a decent starting position at their own 37-yard line. Cincinnati comes out challenging the Vikings' defense early with two straight pitches to Fenner which net 9 1/2 yards. Fenner converts the first down, but that's all he'll get this drive when Boomer Esiason tries to change things up and gets picked in the end zone on his dead duck pass to Carl Pickens.

Faking the famed Carter reverse, a play made popular by the Mauritania Mourabitounes national football squad, Terry Allen rushes for 23 yards. On the next play, the Mauritanians lift their chins in pride when the Carter reverse is actually called and goes for another 1st down. Winded from his minute-long run, Cris takes the bench while Anthony, no relation despite having the same Ivory Coast-shaped birthmark, heads out on the field and immediately pulls in a criminally wide-open 47-yard pass from Rich Gannon for the first score of the game. That's two French colony references for you geography nuts out there (and I know you're out there).

Minnesota leads 7-0

Cincinnati starts at their own 40 on the next drive. Future Carl Ekern "Spirit of the Game" Award winner Harold Green, also having a stellar season in his breakout year, takes the ball for 8 yards and is immediately injured by the spiteful and unsympathetic Vikings defense. Fenner picks up the first down, and fearing for his own safety takes the bench on the next play to give Eric Ball his first chance to carry the...rock. Ball plods slowly but gets 9 yards, 3 of which are erased on the next play after Chris Doleman readjusts his infrared on the newest Bengals' ballcarrier. On 3rd and 4, Ball caps off his first drive as a rusher in professional football by finding out what Doleman had for dinner.

Quarter Two
After a Lee Johnson punt that goes for a touchback, the Vikings start their next drive handing the ball off to Allen who is quickly becoming entrenched in Dave Shula's next nightmare. Allen carts around the Bengals' defense for 15 yards, waking them up for the next three plays which see a batted pass, a reunion of Allen's face with the turf, and Rich Gannon using his wheels to pick up 4 yards on a 3rd-and-17 play.

Standout rookie Carl Pickens operates with the ball for the first time in the game on a punt return. He's only upright long enough to see 19 yards, and when Ray Berry smothers Esiason for a loss of 13 on the next play, the Bengals suddenly find themselves dangerously close to the next Shula aneurysm. On a shotgun play that sees Esiason leaning up against the goal post, the ball is lobbed up to a wide open Pickens for a huge 79-yard gain. Ball nets a negatively impressive minus-3 yards on the next two plays, and when Berry swallows up a second helping of Esiason, Cincinnati is forced to settle for a Jim Breech 32-yarder. Unfortunately, they'll have to settle for Jim Breech minus the three points when his kick sails wide left.

Cris Carter, the second leading rusher on the team, nabs another 22 yards when the Carter reverse baffles Cincinnati once more. Roger Craig, the third leading rusher, is welcomed back from injury by a wall of Bengals' defenders. Allen completes the trifecta that is the vaunted Vikings' rushing attack with a 22 yard burst to the Cincinnati 30-yard line. Craig earns another week with the squad with a 23-yard catch-and-run to the 6, where Allen runs from to score with just 34 seconds left in the half.

Minnesota leads 14-0

Halftime - Vikings 14, Bengals 0

Quarter Three
Breech delivers a full power kick to the always-dangerous Darrin Nelson, who's only able to bring it out to the Minnesota 14-yard line. Anthony Carter doubles that on his second reception of the game, and two plays later nabs his third, a 35-yard connection to get them inside the scoring threshold once again. A flea flicker to Allen is courageously blocked by the Bengals' secondary, but his third fake reverse once again stuns them for a gain of 25 yards to the Cincinnati 7-yard line. They get away with two straight misfires to each of the Carters, leading to a 3rd-and-goal situation. Sucking up their stripes, the Bengals hold tough on another heart-stopping flea flicker to Carter, Anthony, batting it away at the last moment. Fuad Reveiz is on to give some fans between the uprights an all-expenses paid trip to the team dentists' office.

Minnesota leads 17-0

From his own 35-yard line, Esiason dodges a sack and connects with Pickens for 36 yards to get inside the Vikings' 30. From the shotgun formation, Esiason overthrows Pickens in the back of the end zone. Carlos Jenkins scavenges Eric Ball and Boomer for parts on the next two plays, eliciting another Breech appearance. This time, his kick is on target from 54 yards, allowing new owner Mike Brown to release one of Breech's children back to his father.

Minnesota leads 17-3

Enough time remains on the clock for Darrin Nelson to both return the Breech kickoff 68 yards and impregnate three nubile young women, while still having enough time to compliment the head referee's new cleats.

Quarter Four
Thanks in part to Nelson's stellar return and Gannon's resilience, the flea flicker survives another entry in the record books with a 22-yard touchdown connection to Anthony Carter.

Minnesota leads 24-3

Ball gets the Bengals' their best starting position of the day at the Cincinnati 44-yard line. The product of Esiason's scolding on the sidelines from Coach Shula is realized when Fenner is fed the ball on the next four plays. He totals 53 yards, but that's all that'll stay on his stat sheet after the game when Eric Ball is sent out to scrape up the final three for the Bengals' first touchdown of the game, amending his stat sheet to now include 6 total yards and a score.

Minnesota leads 24-10

Allen scoops up the onside Breech kick at the Cincinnati 48-yard line. Steve Jordan catches his first ball of the year at the 41, making the most of it with a sweet, sweet run to paydirt. The Bengals are suddenly the loneliest men on the field.

Minnesota leads 31-10

Just for 'kicks', a full-power Reveiz boot pins the Bengals at their own 7-yard line. Esiason finishes the game with two blocked passes and a 20-yard run in true Boomer fashion.

Final: Vikings 31, Bengals 10

To the winners go the spoils, and so the Vikings spoil a 'perfect' opportunity for Cincinnati and leave as only the second undefeated team, alongside the 49ers of San Francisco. The power players were in full force for Minnesota, from special teams star Darrin Nelson, to the defensive efforts of Doleman and Berry, to Allen, Carter and his other brother (not actually) Carter. Even Rich Gannon was effective in his mediocrity, successfully averaging 33% on his three flicked fleas. Derrick Fenner was obviously underutilized, a factor that can be blamed on both Coach Shula and Boomer's eternal pout. This wasn't more obvious than during the Bengals' final meaningful drive, which Fenner single-handedly constructed for their only touchdown. Cincinnati has a week to regroup before meeting the Oilers in two of their next three games, a hugely important bump in their schedule. Meanwhile, the Vikings will hope to continue churning out performances like this one--if only to keep the chilling, cruel gaze of Denny Green from making the oncoming winter colder than it has to be.

Football Night in America: Denver vs. Seattle

Many battles have been won or lost due to this very screen

Earlier today saw the fall of Kansas City to 2-1, and the surprising Chargers of San Diego remain undefeated. To keep pace atop the division, Seattle will need their defense to keep a watchful eye on John Elway and his knack for the big play. The Seahawks are at home, putting Dave Krieg at a disadvantage for when the inevitable booing commences, but if he can somehow keep the Seahawks in the game long enough for his defense to score a few times, then he may be able to avoid the snarky comments until he gets into bed with his wife tonight. It's a beautiful night for Sunday Night Football in Seattle, with the forecast not calling for rain for the next seven minutes.


Quarter One
Seattle wins the toss, and a Chris Warren dash out to the Seattle 45-yard-line puts the Seahawks in prime punting position to start the game. Dave Krieg marches out to a chorus of pre-teen girls shrieking and lifting their shirts, and he appeases them all on second down when he completes a pass to Brian Blades for a 50 yard gain. Krieg lifts his own jersey to reveal 'Kelly Stouffer Rocks Dick' tattooed on his chiseled abs. John L. Williams, emphasis on the 'L', carries the ball for 8 yards, and when Krieg overthrows Tommy Kane in the end zone it's 3rd and 2. Williams gets the ball again, but is blitzed, and Stormin' Norm Johnson is out to punch in the first points of the game after an underwhelming finish to the first Seattle drive.

Seattle leads 3-0

Johnson did eventually find the end zone on this play

Vance Johnson helps the Denver cause out with a return to the Broncos' 48-yard line to start the drive. Bobby Humphrey gets the early workload with a run up the middle for 6 yards, and then a long catch-and-run for 32. But it is Johnson himself who gets to wash in the glory after a reverse pitch sadly fools the usually stalwart Seattle defense and Denver takes the lead.

Denver leads 7-3

Warren continues the streak of good field position with a return to the Seattle 46-yard line. Derrick Fenner promptly wipes out 2 of those yards, but redeems himself on the next play with a carry of 13 that is fumbled out of bounds for a confusing first down. When he loses two yards on the next play, Krieg kicks him out of the huddle and goes to the air on second down. Ron Heller, prized tight end from THE Oregon State and Super Bowl ring possessor with the 49ers, pulls down an 18-yard pass for a first down; however, the promising young season for Heller is cut short as he's carried off the field with a noticeable limp. Krieg, understandably shaken by the loss of his star tight end, scrambles for a yard on the next play, and then throws an incompletion as the quarter comes to a suddenly somber end.

Johnson barely got this one over the moat

Quarter Two
On 3rd and 9, John L. Williams, who nobody has ever confused with a Hollywood composer of the same name, carries the ball for only a meaningless yard. Sure-footed Norm Johnson kicks the 42-yard attempt wide left and the Seahawks are putting their undefeated streak and the chance that someone will survive a Tommy Kane mugging after the game in jeopardy.

Denver takes over at their own 32-yard line, and Mike Horan is on to punt from the 31 after the Broncos net a grand total of -1 yards on the drive.

Ironically, the other John Williams composed a score for
this fumble recovery by the punter

Horan, hero of his 3-on-3 pick-up game last Wednesday afternoon, unleashes his Superman-cape again when he scoops up a Warren fumble. He returns it to the Seattle 19-yard line, and suddenly the Seahawks look as doomed as the three Kryptonians trapped in the Phantom Zone. The Seahawks defense once again stands strong on the drive, however, with a few blitzes of John Elway and Steve Sewell to force a David Treadwell kick. The Broncos take a 7 point lead.

Denver leads 10-3

Warren gets the ball out to the Seattle 38, and on his way off the field he shouts at Krieg that he doesn't want to see the ball again before the end of the half. Krieg obliges with two straight incompletions, and suddenly the Seahawks are quickly facing 3rd and 10 after some poor clock management from Tom Flores' squad. Luckily, a 43-yard reception from Tommy Kane breathes new life into the Seahawks' hopes for some points before halftime. A Williams fumble swiftly erases any chance of that, unless you want to give the Seattle offense style points for kicking the ball around for fifteen seconds.

Kind of exaggerating the turf toe, aren't we Bobby?

During Denver's next possession, a Seattle fan proposed to his girlfriend in front of the concession stands, and a baby's diaper had to be changed. Oh yes, and Bobby Humphrey was injured after a meaningless 6-yard run.

Halftime - Broncos 10, Seahawks 3

Quarter Three
Modern-day renaissance man Vance Johnson carries the return out to the Denver 39-yard line. Despite the lead, the Broncos have only been on the field for a combined three Tecmo minutes, hardly enough time to ruin John Elway's flowing quaff. Nonetheless, he dons his not-clashing-in-the-least blue and orange helmet and gets to work. A beautifully executed lob to Johnson on first down for 53 yards gets the Broncos to first and goal with 8 yards to go, a distance that Elway covers in about 56 seconds for their second touchdown of the game.

Denver leads 17-3

I wish my expected job duties had exclamation points, too.

Elway's off the field in just over a minute, and so the exhausted and overworked Seattle offense is back on and starting at their own 35. Williams is entrusted with a pitch that's good for 15 yards, while Fenner is entrusted to be on the field during the next play. He ends up getting involved, much to the displeasure of all the Seahawks fans and a majority of the coaches, and his net gain of -1 yards quietly and sadly vindicates their preconditions. Even when Krieg wildly overthrows Kane for an interception by Steve Atwater, the fans are still crying for Fenner's head.

Former Broncos star running back and Southern Mississippi alum Sammy Winder is in for Bobby Humphrey, and his return to greatness begins with a 2-yard loss. Sewell gets involved on the next play for a 13-yard gain, a yardage amount that is replicated on an unexpected, yet somehow very expected, Vance Johnson reverse. Dan Reeves seizes the moment, and just when Seattle is thinking that a Johnson reverse is too predictable, Denver runs the Johnson reverse for 11 more yards. Elway goes to the air on the next play and has a pass fall into the protecting arms of Mark Jackson, who falls down at the Seattle half-yard line. The Seahawks defense faces one of their toughest challenges of the day with a goal line stand on first down, and allowing the Johnson reverse go in for a touchdown makes Seattle fans everywhere wonder if there are more things challenging the Seahawks' defense than just football.

Denver leads 24-3

Warren, who has spent more time on the field and racked up more yards than the entire Seattle offense, takes the ball to the Seahawks' 48. Williams takes it for five more yards into Broncos' territory as the quarter expires.

Quarter Four
Williams converts his second positive-yardage play in a row for 9 yards. On first and 10, Krieg flings a pass for a 38-yard touchdown completion to Travis McNeil, and the Seahawks have scored their first touchdown at a point in the game where 75% of the Seattle fans didn't get to see it.

Denver leads 24-10

The swan song of Sammy Winder: is this finally his year?

An inspired monster kick and stuff of Vance Johnson at his own 9-yard line is enough to get the sidelines fired up. It should be taken into account, however, that it's the Denver sideline that's excited, knowing that they have enough field left to run down the clock and score a dagger. An Elway dunk to Winder is good for 14 yards, but his job isn't done yet. Winder takes the ball again for a long 43-yard run, reflecting shades of his former Super Bowl-losing caliber of play. Two plays later it's 3rd and 9, and as the clock slowly ticks away on Seattle's short undefeated season, the Seahawks' reclaim their dignity on a blitz of Elway that forces Treadwell to miss from 53 yards.

Krieg takes over on downs, and on the first play he has all day to find out which of his four wide-open receivers he wants to overthrow, eventually deciding on Williams. The next play is a run play involving the glory-robbed Williams, who runs for 10 yards and a first down. Seattle uses its last time out with 1:41 remaining, in order to call another wild overthrow of McNeal. His next pass is even less successful, when what seems like an innocent overthrow of Brian Blades is intercepted by Wymon Henderson.

Two Steve Sewell rushes have the clock running down to less than 10 seconds, and on third down Elway risks throwing the ball instead of kneeling like a good sport, but his interception-less day is safe when a nameless Seattle defender bats the ball away instead of pulling it in, cementing a barf-worthy effort by the now cast-aside Seahawks defense.

Final: Broncos 24, Seahawks 10

Dave Krieg took a dookie on the national stage, and now the Seahawks fall into a second place tie with their recent foes in Denver and the Barry Word-led offense in Kansas City. Elway was his normal charming self with a modest 126 yards of passing, but his no picks to Dave Krieg's two are the real sign of a seasoned quarterback versus an over-zealous amateur. While there is work to be done on Seattle's ground game, Denver seems to have found their blessing in disguise with Sammy Winder coming out of his back-up role into the primary Broncos halfback position. Important divisional match-ups lie ahead for both teams, and Denver has a chance to jump-start their suddenly very real hopes of a divisional championship next week against San Diego. Seattle, meanwhile, will hold on to their hopes of getting a mid-season trade of Derrick Fenner to Kansas City for Christian Okoye; a hope that holds as much flicker as Krieg's chances of healing his chlamydia.
 

Looking Ahead: Week Three

The second week of exciting Tecmo action is behind us, but the after effects are sure to linger for some time. Or, at least until the Indianapolis Colts are contracted during Week 5. Buffalo is in a four-way tie in its division, while the 49ers are looking up at a suddenly solid L.A. Rams squad. Meanwhile, the rest of the teams are only separated by a game or two but some standouts are on the rise. Philadelphia is being pulled along on the back of their work-horse QB Eagles, whereas the AFC West race will go down to the final week, when Christian Okoye pulls Howie Long on his back for 300 yards and 4 touchdowns.

The first group of early Sunday games will be a litmus test for some teams looking to pull out from the muck of the early-season logjam. The Rams face an important game in New Orleans, where they can rein in a convincing third win, or play beneath themselves and allow the 49ers a window at home against the flawed Vikings. Tecmo is famous for bashing in the hopes and dreams of early-season surprises, leaving them lying broken on the ground and forming the basis of a popular Q Lazzarus tune.

Don't underestimate the world-famous Seattle 'Black Hole' D

The Giants of New York look to get out from their winless ways in Chicago, against a Bears team whose confidence was tested in a loss to the lowly Buccaneers of Tampa Bay. During the week, Jim Harbaugh told the Chicago Tribune that "it's still early" and "we still have time to pull it together". One quote that was apparently left on the editing room floor, however, was a candid Harbaugh shouting "And tell Wayne Haddix that his sister left her purse on my night stand last night!"

Perhaps the marquee match-up would be the game of undefeated division leaders when Houston travels to Kansas City and the dangerous Arrowhead Stadium, where the chilly fall air will be sure to keep Warren Moon's passes from reaching international space station altitudes. It may be too early to tell who the early favorite is in the meeting of this blog's prediction of division winners, but we'll just say that if Lorenzo White is involved, the Oilers will be riding a quiet bus home.

In the night games, the Bills and Jets clash in a game that will hopefully give one team in the AFC a foothold in the division. And the foot that it will belong to is a size 12 custom-made Reebok worn by Thurman Thomas. The Cowboys face an early season test against the dominant Eagles in Philadelphia, putting the rest of the division on notice. While QB Eagles' 241 rushing yards to Troy Aikman's 0 look to tell the tale of the season so far, the fact that he has 6 more yards per attempt than Emmitt Smith tell the tale that the Dallas 'D' may be interested in reading, provided the stories are in book-on-tape format.

NBC's Football Night in America game on Sunday night will feature an AFC West showdown with the Broncos visiting Seattle to play the Dave Krieg-led Seahawks. Seattle has stormed out to a quiet 2-0 record, while Denver struggled with two teams that will end with a combined 8-24 record in the Bengals and Raiders. This could be another tight one for Denver, with John Elway riding his team like a pack of wild horses into a first-place tie with Seattle, or another blowout for Seattle featuring Derrick Fenner racking up tens of yards.

Canada: Thanks for the bacon, but you can have Rypien back

Monday Night Football will end our third exciting week with an appearance by a football team, the Washington Redskins. Phoenix will show up as well, but even Timm Rosenbach's forehead isn't big enough to hold the amount of yards Mark Rypien will rack up against their sieve-like defense. Speaking of Mark Rypien, putting up the kinds of numbers that he's doing will inevitably draw some sort of investigation, even if it is only done by me, and instead of Mark Rypien, the investigation will be on his daughter's Lingerie Football League photo sho---er, stats page.

Standings after the hump---er, jump.


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 AFC

 NFC