Week Sixteen: Jumping the Wall

There's usually a lot to be said about teams that make it this far into the season and still have a glimmer of hope. No so much anymore; with only four teams clinching playoff berths, there's still a total of 15 more looking to join the party. Week 16 usually proves to be the wall that most of these teams hit and wind up sliding back down in defeat, with only a few leaping over to look forward to Week 17 glory.

1:00 Games

N.Y. Jets (4-10) at New England (3-11)

The Jets survive another game to stay ahead of New England in the junior varsity class of the AFC East. Ken O.Brien was the silent warrior, with only 105 passing yards, but his zero picks to Steve Grogan's 2 explain the small margin with which they won. John Stephens tried his best to keep his Pats in it with 11 rushes for 139 yards, but naturally New England's proclivity for putrid play makes me want to both vomit and write alliterations.

Final Score: Jets 17, Patriots 13

Green Bay (7-6-1) at Detroit (4-10)

Don Majkowski did his best to knock his own team out of the playoff hunt with 3 interceptions, but his brilliance was too hard to hold down. He threw for 240 yards, 167 of them to Sterling Sharpe, while Chris Jacke booted a late field goal to wreck a nice day for Barry Sanders, who had 132 yards on just 7 runs. We like the Packers to go far if they can get in, but if they can't, we'll try to be at least 100 miles away from Bob Nelson at all times.

Final Score: Packers 20, Lions 17

N.Y. Giants (10-4) at Washington (8-6)

The Redskins win a huge late-season divisional battle at home behind Earnest Byner's 90 rushing yards and Mark Rypien's standard perfect passing day. The Giants' offense was stifled with a combined 229 total combined yards, but the fact that they still scored 21 points has the rest of the division cowering under their security blankets. Washington takes a huge leap in the playoff wild card race, and can clinch a spot with an Eagles loss.

Final Score: Redskins 28, Giants 21

Pittsburgh (5-9) at Cincinnati (7-7)

Although most of us had our hands on the Bengals' life support, they just continue winning. They make fools of Pittsburgh in this one, with Boomer Esiason and Eddie Brown providing a one-two punch to keep the Steelers reeling. Depending on what happens the rest of the afternoon, the Bengals could be facing a clinching scenario next week against New England. Usually when we see 'Bengals' and 'clinching' together, it's in regards to a certain bodily function, and not playoff positioning.

Final Score: Bengals 24, Steelers 3

Another sunny day in Phoenix, and Denver's still frozen

Denver (8-6) at Phoenix (1-13)

Well, it happened. We knew that talent like Timm Rosenbach and Johnny Johnson couldn't be held to just one win, and they get their second here in a big way. Denver picked the wrong time to throw away a win to a non-contending team, as they may now be forced to back their way into the playoffs. Unfortunately, using the back door anywhere in Colorado usually leads to things that cannot be unseen.

Final Score: Cardinals 30, Broncos 21

Dallas (6-8) at Philadelphia (8-6)

The Cowboys lose what meager hopes they had for a spot in the playoffs at the expense of a divisional foe moving one step closer. The Eagles win here, setting up what may be the game of the week next week when they take on Washington for a wild card spot or, if something incredibly wild happens with the Giants, a division title. QB Eagles was brilliantly perfect with 237 yards and 0 picks, while Keith Byars had 146 all-purpose yards, and we think Philly may suddenly be one of the scarier teams going into the final week.

Final Score: Eagles 38, Cowboys 23

Which basically means he needs a new microcontroller

Kansas City (5-9) at San Francisco (10-4)

The Chiefs pull off what many teams much better than them couldn't do, and that was to halt the San Francisco 49ers in their tracks after a 9-game win streak. They went up by 17 points, only to have the 49ers come back to tie after Barry Word went out. But by returning the favor in knocking Roger Craig out, along with a late field goal by Nick 'The Kick' Lowery, the Chiefs followed through on their promise to do something worth their inclusion in this year's NFL season. The 49ers' run to another division title is stalled for the time being.

Final Score: Chiefs 20, 49ers 17

Miami (9-5) at San Diego (9-5)

The Dolphins clinch a wild card spot with the win here, but more importantly they keep the AFC West from being a watchable division by holding off the Chargers' championship party. Dan Marino threw for 232 yards, while Billy Joe only had 147 and 2 picks. At one point, the game was 29-0 in the fourth quarter, until the entire Miami team, coaching staff, trainers and water boys all went to Six Flags. And San Diego could still only muster 21 points after that.

Final Score: Dolphins 29, Chargers 21

L.A. Raiders (7-7) at New Orleans (6-8)

The Saints are out of it with the NFC East sweeps, but still manage to beat up on a punchless team in the Los Angeles Raiders. With still very much to play for, the Raiders instead send out their surly half and can't do enough to keep New Orleans from scoring the late touchdown to win. Steve Walsh had a 75% completion rate with 209 yards and 0 interceptions, and we're suddenly believers in a reality television show called QB swap, in which Walsh finally brings the Tecmo Raiders to a Super Bowl appearance.

Final Score: Saints 31, Raiders 24

4:00 Games

Seattle (8-6) at Atlanta (5-9)

The Seahawks take advantage of the San Diego loss to pull into a first-place tie heading into Week 17 with a huge 14-point comeback in the 4th quarter. Atlanta led in all major offensive categories, with 101 rushing yards and Miller tossing up 210 yards with a 78% completion rate, but Seattle still leads in weird programming glitches that allows them to always be the instigator in the AFC West dogfight each year.

Final Score: Seahawks 24, Falcons 21

Levy caught without his Bills sweater on Championship Day?

Indianapolis (5-9) at Buffalo (10-3-1)

The Bills already nabbed the bye week with the San Diego loss, but with the formulaic win here against Indy they also steal the division championship from Miami. After trailing the Dolphins for much of the year, Buffalo has gotten hot at the right time with QB Bills tossing 240 yards and Thurman Thomas rushing for a robust 10 yards per carry. Just as we were about to say it, we noticed that another round of 'F*** the Bills' t-shirts were being printed for the 15,000th time since Tecmo's release.

Final Score: Bills 35, Colts 10

Tampa Bay (6-8) at Chicago (7-7)

Probably too little, too late, the Bears take care of business at home against a tough Tampa Bay squad, as Neal Anderson ran up and down for 132 yards on 13 carries while also finding time to pull in 161 receiving yards on 7 grabs. While we know any team would hate to see Anderson in the playoffs, they need about 90% of the NFC to lose next week to back in, and that's even with the Fridge leading the charge.

Final Score: Bears 31, Buccaneers 10

Houston (11-3) at Cleveland (6-8)

The Oilers take one step closer to clinching home field with this divisional win against Cleveland. Although the Oilers' defensive star shone brightly with 3 picks of QB Browns, it appears Warren Moon has gotten himself polished up nicely for the postseason with 413 passing yards and 0 picks. Houston has had a quietly dominant season, but we're looking forward to seeing what they can do against teams that aren't sucky enough to push away even pixellated Tecmo fans from their stadium.

Final Score: Oilers 45, Browns 21

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So it appears those candy canes were more potent than I thought, and I somehow woke up mid-week after the post-Christmas festivities that mostly included sugar cookies and Old Milwaukee. Therefore, we have a rare Wednesday night football contest leading up to Week 17 between the Minnesota Vikings and Los Angeles Rams. Will we see the Vikings roll to another win after clinching the all-important home field advantage in the playoffs? Or will we see the Rams take advantage of a huge 49ers loss and pull within one game with one to go? The Rams lost control of the race mid-way through the season, but could come back in a big way with a win at home against the league-best Vikings. Although we heard the Vikings were tough, we also heard Wade Wilson mistake Jim Everett for a star female tennis player, which doesn't bode well for them or their tables covered in Gatorade cups.

Looking Ahead: Week Twelve

With two games already gone this week, we focus on the rest of this star-studded cast of characters as we head into Week 12. There's not much to prepare for in this week, as many of the races are still too close to call; however with the 'anything goes' attitude this season's had so far a lot could happen. I could continue to opine about my personal feelings about a near-meaningless mid-season week in the NFL, but that would just delay the inevitable. On to my unnecessary analysis!

Houston gets Cleveland in a game that could bust down the glass wall to another division championship. However, with not much left to play for, the Browns could put out a foot and trip the Oilers on their way through. In the NFC version of the Central division, Tampa Bay heads to Atlanta with a chance to continue sneaking under the radar, while Chicago's at home in a must-win game against the Colts to stay alive. The Bears hope that everyone else stays quiet, as the Colts are on the verge of their first 4-win Tecmo season in about 17 years.

Looks like he just chugged a "Voltage"

Washington has a chance to put some pressure on the Giants, who already won this week, by taking out the Steelers at home. In San Francisco, the 49ers welcome the 1-win Cardinals with a chance to continue eluding the chasing Rams, who finally won their first game since Week 9 last night. We here at TTB like their chances, although Timm Rosenbach was seen this past week slamming Snapples at the local juice bar.

The early games end with two very important divisional clashes. First, Miami heads to Buffalo. The Bills won their first game, however the Dolphins haven't lost since Week 4 and now stand a half game up. Although they'll be in Buffalo where the Marv Lewis sweater effect reigns supreme, Miami could secure an inside track to a division title with a win. Perhaps the only thing more impressive than Miami's 6-game win streak, however, is Minnesota's 10-game streak, one that puts them in a chance to have control of their own destiny. And if there's anyone who needs some destiny control, it's Rick Fenney, who is one Herschel Walker touchdown away from becoming obsolete.

Seattle stumbled last week when they left what they had of some talent behind in their plane. They'll get a chance at some redemption as they pick on the Raiders, who've hit that point in the season where the Bo Jackson/Marcus Allen romance has turned into a stagnant plateau of arguments and deceit. Meanwhile, in a game that carries more weight that what appears on paper, Cincinnati travels to Philadelphia with a chance to stay in the hunt. The Eagles won their first game in a few tries last week, and need to keep that momentum if they want to keep nipping at Phil Simms' perfectly sculpted heels.

Sunday's games conclude with San Diego heading to New Orleans to face a Saints team that was looking into the playoff field window before the 49ers shut the blinds on them. They can stay on the bubble with a win, but it'll have to be against a focused Chargers team that doesn't want to see their division slip away quite yet, not while B.J. Tolliver is still chlamydia-free. Meanwhile, we will have our least favorite reporter at the scene of the Patriots/Jets game, only to see if New England will actually win another game this season.

Attn: Seattle - The future is here

With all of our teams being featured as of last week, we now focus our attention on some pivotal games down the stretch. We begin Monday Night with an AFC West rematch, with the Chiefs looking to continue pulling themselves out of a large hole of Barry Word's head proportions. They're on a 3-game win streak, and now two games behind Denver in first place. The Broncos, led by John Elway's bionic arm, will see what San Diego and Seattle do earlier and try to keep the divisional race a two-team contest. Should they fail, we may be at risk of having Kelly Stouffer compromise the playoff field.


***************************************************************************************

AFC

NFC

Monday Night Football: Washington vs. Phoenix

And he's got a Score card to prove it!

It's Monday Night Football, and tonight presents an NFC East showdown between one-time Man of the Year Mark Rypien along with his Washington Redskins against the winless Phoenix Cardinals. So far the Redskins have been improbably good, and most of it is due to Rypien's even more improbably perfect statistics. We could go on and on about Rypien, but that would give us less time to mention his daughter and how good she looks in a black, lacy bra. While her passer rating may not ever eclipse her father's, her bust size does, and for that we have to give the man props despite what may happen on tonight's stage. Although Phoenix, as expected, has netted just zero wins to this point, they are primed to play the part of the spoiler--especially against a fellow NFC East opponent--and with the unstoppable force that is Johnny Johnson on their side, the odds are that much better. Let's head to Phoenix now, where it's said the sun never sets; unless you're talking about the Cardinals' playoff hopes.



Quarter One
The Redskins are the winners of the coin toss, which gives them the option to kick or receive. They take the road traveled very heavily and elect to receive. Brian Mitchell gets them to the Washington 46 for promising field position, and Mark Rypien takes his perfect passer rating to the field for the first play of the game, which is an Ernest Byner run for no gain. Smartly enough, Joe Gibbs calls for the same play on second down, and when it's run for no gain again, Gibbs retires and offensive coordinator Don Breaux takes over. Breaux decides to run things a little differently around here, and asks for Ernest Byner to take it up the middle this time. While the play is successful in regards that it was run for positive yards, it did not net the necessary 10 yards for a first down and Kelly Goodburn is on to punt from near midfield.

Looks like one unnamed Redskin had to stop for a breath
at the 49 yard line

The Cardinals take the field, and the Phoenix fans in attendance groan their disappointment. Their displeasure is heard loud and clear by Charles Mann, who busts through the Phoenix front unchallenged and takes Rosenbach to the dirt. Unfazed, Rosenbach is up in a matter of ten minutes or so, and the next play is a Johnny Johnson run up the gut. Like a Cardinal possessed, Johnson busts through the middle, kicks off a few blockers, and shoots across the field at the speed of Eric Metcalf for a 55-yard gain to the Redskins 30. A dunk to Ernie Jones for 14, followed by two runs from Johnson for 10 and the Cardinals are facing first and goal with the length of Vai Sikahema's name to go. Joe Bugel pulls out the 'Worst Plays to Use in the Red Zone' Playbook and calls for a flea flicker, which meets an amazing failure even by flea flicker standards. Two goal line stands by the underrated Redskins defense, including one blitz of Rosenbach, and Phoenix blows their first and probably only chance for a statement score and Al Del Greco is on to nobody's excitement for three points.

Phoenix leads 3-0

Although the Cardinals didn't get the amount of points they were streaking towards, they did succeed in wiping out ample amounts of clock time, and by the time Washington takes the kickoff and runs a few meaningless plays, the punter is on again with time running out in the quarter.

Quarter Two
The Cardinals take another touchback, and Rosenbach is out to prove there can be more than one quarterback whose last name starts with an 'R' that can play above his head. His first piece of evidence is tossed out with an incomplete lob to Ricky Proehl. He's bailed out on the next play, however, when Coach Bugel runs the Proehl reverse for a loss of 5 yards. Undaunted, he calls for it again, shooing away any and all objections by the Phoenix coaching staff and thousands of television viewers, and it predictably loses another yard. Rich Camarillo on to punt.

Don't you dare tell him his name's too long for Tecmo screen

Rypien starts his team at the Washington 21, but is driven back 4 yards by a man known only to his mortal enemies as 'Freddie Joe Nunn'. Ernest Byner takes the ball on the next play for a positive 6 yards. Washington faces a possible third 3-and-out, but Rypien laughs his strange Canadian laugh in the face of his situation throws a beautiful rainbow pass to Art Monk for 35 yards into Phoenix territory. Two plays later and Rypien threads it to Monk again, but it's wildly overthrown and Monk only has the entire field open ahead of him. On 3rd and 10, Rypien meets the fate he dodged on the last series when the Gary Clark reverse is only good for 4 yards. Chip Lohmiller is out for his first attempt from 55 yards, but the kick sails wide left. Cardinals fans start hoping the NFL decides that a game should only last two quarters.

Phoenix takes over on downs at their own 37-yard line with 1:44 remaining. Their intelligently planned drive comes to a screeching halt right away when Rosenbach is sacked for a loss of 9 by Marcus "It's pronounced 'COOK'" Koch. Coach Bugel brings his team to the sidelines with a timeout to calm them down, but apparently Rosenbach missed the huddle when, on the next play, he runs out of the pocket screeching and lobs up an interception to Todd Bowles.

Washington drains some time off the clock with a Clark reverse that's good for 5 yards to the Phoenix 35-yard line. Coach Gibbs is back in his head coach position, and his conservative nature calls for a field goal from 50 yards out with 45 seconds left. Lohmiller over-corrects his last try and misses wide right this time, then tells his team "well there's a reason they only call me Chip and not 'Long Kick' Lohmiller". Gibbs retires again.

I only took high school physics, but even I know this is off...

3/4 of Cardinals fans are already in the bathroom right now

With 21 seconds left and Phoenix starting from an unpromising field position at their own 34, Coach Bugel calls for a meaningless Johnson run up the middle, which ends up going for 66 yards to paydirt. Bugel's wife reminds him later that night that it pays to lower people's expectations.

Phoenix leads 10-0

Halftime - Redskins 0, Cardinals 10




Quarter Three
Vai Sikahema returns the kick all the way to the Phoenix 15-yard line for their worst starting field position all day. Luckily for them, it's also a chance for a Johnny Johnson 85-yard touchdown run to put the game away. Unfortunately, however, it would seem that the Cardinals' offense has gone to the well one too many times, and Johnson is stuffed for a loss of 4 yards on 1st down. Attempting to reverse their luck, Phoenix runs the Proehl reverse, but the loss of 10 makes the first play look like a rousing success. On 3rd and 16, the play is blitzed by the Redskins defense, and Rosenbach nearly avoids a safety. Camarillo punts from the shadow of his own goal post.

They're missing "The Truth" from his name

From their own 42-yard line, Rypien gets to work fast, ripping one over the outstretched hands of Cedrick Mack to Gary Clark, who high-steps in for a 58-yard catch and run. That makes it eight touchdowns for Rypien with no picks, causing Phoenix fans to wonder if they've finally unleashed the beast.

Phoenix leads 10-7

The Cardinals start to feel the pressure cooker heating up, and decide to counteract the quick strike of Rypien by picking the Proehl reverse, good for only a loss of six yards this time. Two failed runs by Johnson bring on fourth down, and the panic button is firmly pressed on the Phoenix sideline.

The Redskins start at their own 20-yard line after a touchback. A Rypien blocked pass followed by a 5-yard loss by Earnest Byner puts Washington in a perilous 3rd and 15, and their promising start to the half is shut down by an important Eric Hill sack to get the ball back.

Phoenix uses the remaining 33 seconds of the quarter to run a Johnson pitch for 8 yards, followed by a Proehl reverse that all but wipes that gain out.

Quarter Four
On 3rd and 12, the Cardinals go all out with the flea flicker, but it's riskily and somewhat sadly picked by the Redskins defense and Phoenix loses an additional 11 yards. Camarillo's on, and the only star of the Cardinals' offense punts it down to the Washington 20-yard line. Pride of the Fighting Irish, Joe Howard returns the punt for a huge 17 yards before getting his head corked and needing medical assistance off the field.

The Phoenix cornerback apparently can't read 'X's'

Mark Rypien, apparently not having taken his bipolar meds all day, lobs a 51 yard pass to Ricky Sanders to threaten a lead mid-way through the quarter. Coach Gibbs is back on the field, scrambling for a headset, and screams for the Clark reverse. It's good for 4 yards, and across the field Coach Bugel is taking notes. Byner manages to run around the end of the Cardinals' defense while at the same time holding on to the ball, which makes it first and goal for the Redskins with 2 yards to go. A Byner run up the middle later, and Washington takes its first and very pivotal lead of the game.

Washington leads 14-10

With 2:39 remaining in the game, Rosenbach leads his offense out on to the field with calmness prevailing. Johnson once again leads the ground attack with a 4-yard rush, followed by another battle that's barely good for a first down. A fake reverse to Proehl nets Johnson another 5 yards, and Phoenix takes a timeout to figure out how the heck this is actually working. The clock shows 1:56 when Rosenbach tosses one to Walter Reeves for another first down and Phoenix finds themselves in Washington territory. The drive that could have been talked about for the next four hours on Sportscenter comes to a screeching halt, however, when Rosenbach heaves up an ill-timed pass to Proehl that Todd Bowles pulls down for his second pick of the day.

Coach Gibbs, who's already proudly boasting of his comeback, decides to throttle the Cardinals even more when he calls for a Rypien pass to Art Monk at the Cardinals' 34-yard line, which Monk easily takes in for a second score due to Phoenix running a blitz defense.

Washington leads 21-10

The Cardinals are on the sidelines orchestrating a huge comeback with plays designed to strike fast and catch Washington on its heels. While they are preparing this, Sikahema takes the kick and scrambles for about 30 seconds, which is just about enough time for the game clock to expire.

I'm proud to say this is in the running for Tecmo screenshot of the year

Final: Redskins 21, Cardinals 10

Rypien had another perfect night with two touchdowns and no interceptions, while Cardinals' QB Timm Rosenbach just got in the way of Johnny Johnson's pretty big performance of 149 rushing yards. It took Washington a while to get going, just long enough for hope to shine in through the slats of Sun Devil Stadium, but by quarter three they awoke and never stopped pouring it on. Phoenix falls to 0-3, which is predictable, but the Redskins running out an undefeated streak is nothing short of remarkable. I am halfway excited to see how long Rypien can stretch out this godlike performance, but not nearly as excited to see Angela Rypien in the next Seattle Mist calendar.

Looking Ahead: Week Three

The second week of exciting Tecmo action is behind us, but the after effects are sure to linger for some time. Or, at least until the Indianapolis Colts are contracted during Week 5. Buffalo is in a four-way tie in its division, while the 49ers are looking up at a suddenly solid L.A. Rams squad. Meanwhile, the rest of the teams are only separated by a game or two but some standouts are on the rise. Philadelphia is being pulled along on the back of their work-horse QB Eagles, whereas the AFC West race will go down to the final week, when Christian Okoye pulls Howie Long on his back for 300 yards and 4 touchdowns.

The first group of early Sunday games will be a litmus test for some teams looking to pull out from the muck of the early-season logjam. The Rams face an important game in New Orleans, where they can rein in a convincing third win, or play beneath themselves and allow the 49ers a window at home against the flawed Vikings. Tecmo is famous for bashing in the hopes and dreams of early-season surprises, leaving them lying broken on the ground and forming the basis of a popular Q Lazzarus tune.

Don't underestimate the world-famous Seattle 'Black Hole' D

The Giants of New York look to get out from their winless ways in Chicago, against a Bears team whose confidence was tested in a loss to the lowly Buccaneers of Tampa Bay. During the week, Jim Harbaugh told the Chicago Tribune that "it's still early" and "we still have time to pull it together". One quote that was apparently left on the editing room floor, however, was a candid Harbaugh shouting "And tell Wayne Haddix that his sister left her purse on my night stand last night!"

Perhaps the marquee match-up would be the game of undefeated division leaders when Houston travels to Kansas City and the dangerous Arrowhead Stadium, where the chilly fall air will be sure to keep Warren Moon's passes from reaching international space station altitudes. It may be too early to tell who the early favorite is in the meeting of this blog's prediction of division winners, but we'll just say that if Lorenzo White is involved, the Oilers will be riding a quiet bus home.

In the night games, the Bills and Jets clash in a game that will hopefully give one team in the AFC a foothold in the division. And the foot that it will belong to is a size 12 custom-made Reebok worn by Thurman Thomas. The Cowboys face an early season test against the dominant Eagles in Philadelphia, putting the rest of the division on notice. While QB Eagles' 241 rushing yards to Troy Aikman's 0 look to tell the tale of the season so far, the fact that he has 6 more yards per attempt than Emmitt Smith tell the tale that the Dallas 'D' may be interested in reading, provided the stories are in book-on-tape format.

NBC's Football Night in America game on Sunday night will feature an AFC West showdown with the Broncos visiting Seattle to play the Dave Krieg-led Seahawks. Seattle has stormed out to a quiet 2-0 record, while Denver struggled with two teams that will end with a combined 8-24 record in the Bengals and Raiders. This could be another tight one for Denver, with John Elway riding his team like a pack of wild horses into a first-place tie with Seattle, or another blowout for Seattle featuring Derrick Fenner racking up tens of yards.

Canada: Thanks for the bacon, but you can have Rypien back

Monday Night Football will end our third exciting week with an appearance by a football team, the Washington Redskins. Phoenix will show up as well, but even Timm Rosenbach's forehead isn't big enough to hold the amount of yards Mark Rypien will rack up against their sieve-like defense. Speaking of Mark Rypien, putting up the kinds of numbers that he's doing will inevitably draw some sort of investigation, even if it is only done by me, and instead of Mark Rypien, the investigation will be on his daughter's Lingerie Football League photo sho---er, stats page.

Standings after the hump---er, jump.


***************************************************************************************

 AFC

 NFC

Week Two: Separation Sunday

It's Week Two: Separation Sunday, where teams will jockey for position and start putting their divisional rivals behind them on the long road to the Tecmo Bowl. Featured on the docket today are a few such games between divisional foes, tied atop the standings with one win apiece. Also featured are games that are destined to be forgotten two seconds after the scores are posted and Bob Nelson is into his fifth Heineken.

1:00 PM Games

Minnesota (0-1) at Atlanta (0-1)

The Vikings temporarily climbed back into the race with a win over Atlanta. Although nobody posted significant numbers on either side, Wade Wilson's ability to find open receivers and Herschel Walker's inability to run for less than 50 yards usually means a better chance for a win this time around.

Final Score: Vikings 20, Falcons 17

Detroit (0-1) at Green Bay (0-1)

Here lies another thrilling game of winless teams which provides no dazzling statistics. The Magic Man did pass for a solid 202 yards, however, while Rodney Peete nearly matched him with 56 of his own. Barry Sanders rushed for over 100 yards again, but the only people that noticed were some bank accounts in the Cayman Islands.

Final Score: Packers 14, Lions 10

I may never delete this screenshot from my CPU

Buffalo (1-0) at Pittsburgh (0-1)

Pittsburgh gets a huge upset win at home over the suddenly very fallible Bills (who you'll remember barely squeaked by Miami in OT last week). The win was made even more dramatic when the Steelers posted 14 unanswered points in the 4th quarter. Bubby Brister threw for 261 yards,  with Louis Lipps catching 132 of them, making it the first time Brister has seen that many lips since that one drunk Freshman girl in college.

Final Score: Steelers 31, Bills 21

San Diego (1-0) at San Francisco (1-0)

The Chargers outgun the 49ers in another huge upset, with B.J. Tolliver heaving up 314 yards to Montana's 294. Anthony Miller was the major hook-up man with 187 yards receiving and a few TDs. Back to back upsets on an early Sunday afternoon usually makes one wonder what could possibly be left, until that same person realizes it's only Week 2 and these teams will still be eliminated in about four more weeks.

Final Score: Chargers 37, 49ers 31

Cincinnati (1-0) at Houston (1-0)
One of the games we mentioned in our 'Looking Ahead' segment didn't disappoint, with this one going to the wire. Boomer Esiason was quiet today, with only 101 yards passing to Warren Moon's un-eclipsable 294. Instead, the Bengals' story on offense was James Brooks, who ran over the Oilers for 121 yards rushing. If only Esiason had brought out the boom stick at the end of the game, I might consider that I woke up in Bizarro Tecmo Land this morning.

Final Score: Oilers 34, Bengals 28 (OT)

Denver (0-1) at L.A. Raiders (0-1)
Elway lucked out with a win in this match-up, throwing the ball away twice to an uninspiring Raiders defense. The Broncos may have been helped out, however, by Jay Schroeder's high-school stats of 106 yards passing and an interception of his own. Somewhere, the Chiefs aren't shaking in their boots.

Final Score: Broncos 17, Raiders 14

Kansas City (1-0) at New Orleans (0-1)
Speaking of the Chiefs, the AFC West leaders didn't look the part today with an anemic passing game by Steve De Berg to match that of the Saints' very own Steve Walsh. Luckily for them, Barry Word was the story of this game, as he trounced the opposite-of-vaunted Saints defense with 126 yards rushing. New Orleans fans can take comfort in the fact that they only play AFC West opponents two more times, and then San Francisco only twice, and then just the rest of the NFL after that.

Final Score: Chiefs 28, Saints 14

Cowboys and Indians: NFL-style

Washington (1-0) at Dallas (1-0)
Another game we mentioned and another example of divisional rivals looking for separation was on display here, and unfortunately for Dallas the display wasn't a Van Gogh. The game wasn't hardly as close as the score suggests with America's Team scoring a late 4th quarter touchdown, and Mark Rypien wasn't hardly himself throwing 308 yards with no touchdowns. Ernest Byner, on the other hand, never felt more comfortable in his own skin with 12 yards rushing on the day.

Final Score: Redskins 31, Cowboys 14

  4:00 PM Games

Indianapolis (1-0) at Miami (0-1)

Dan Marino was the star of the day with 343 passing yards and a few TDs to 2 interceptions. Jeff George, although only throwing for 210 yards, wasn't so shabby himself with a 69% completion percentage and no interceptions. The running games were identical at 85 total yards, but one has to wonder if the Colts weren't Albert Bentley-less how the score could have flip-flopped and Indianapolis could have been a division leader in a Tecmo season going into Week 3...

Final Score: Dolphins 27, Colts 24 (OT)

NY Jets (1-0) at Seattle (1-0)

Seattle keeps pace with the Chiefs after an eyebrow-raising win over the Jets. Then the eyebrow furrows when one sees that Ken O.Brien only passed for 46 yards, and furrows even more to see Derrick Fenner's 123 rushing yards. The Jets continue the horrid streak for the AFC East this week, while the AFC West suddenly looks like a one-division Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest.

Final Score: Seahawks 13, Jets 10

Philadelphia (1-0) at Phoenix (0-1)

The Cardinals stormed back with 14 unanswered points in the fourth quarter, but after allowing 24 points to the Eagles in the first 3 quarters of play, the rally came up a bit short. Timm Rosenbach still showed promise for the future with his uncanny 83% completion rate, and QB Eagles is still stuck in the future after racing for 121 yards and a few scores.

Final Score: Eagles 24, Cardinals 21

Don't worry, I made another sandwich

Chicago (1-0) at Tampa Bay (0-1)

The day ends with me dropping my sandwich to try and print the screen in time, not realizing there'd actually be a third, and supposedly fitting, upset to a Separation Sunday that only brought more teams into muddling 1-1 ties than any actual separation. The Bucs racked up a 20-0 fourth quarter score that turned the seemingly dominant Bears into desperate, suckling cubs and made a second-consecutive 100+ yards rushing game for Neal Anderson obsolete.

Final Score: Buccaneers 23, Bears 20

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Stay tuned for the Sunday night Football Night in America match-up between a New England squad, now surprisingly sniffing a first place tie, and a Cleveland squad looking to back up all that Mike Pagel hype swirling around this past week. It's not a Tecmo fanatic's dream match-up by any means, but if you're into watching two teams with uniforms that remind you of those weird sugar wafer things, then you obviously love things that are odd and unsatisfying!

Yum!