Monday Night Football: Phoenix vs. L.A. Rams

For every Lawrence Taylor, there's bound to be a Jock Jones. And as such, in Tecmo, for every down and dirty, nitty-gritty defensive struggle, there's bound to be games like tonight's contest between the Rams and Cardinals. A combined 4-12 (with the Rams holding each of those 4 wins), this game will pit the very dredges of Tecmodom against each other in a battle for will, while its audience battles its own gag reflex. With the Rams tumbling down from their status as division champions last year and Phoenix yet to win a game despite being in a weaker division, there's no telling what will come out on the other side of tonight's digestive tract of a showdown. With defenses that can sleep through a plane crash and two quarterbacks more inconsistent than your wife's mood swings, we're either in for a bedtime story or a natural disaster. Take your pick; we'll go with the one that includes a restful night's sleep.

Quarter One
A short kick to Phoenix's return man Johnny Bailey sets the Cardinals up at their own 43-yard line to start this one off. Instead of leaving the field, however, Bailey lines up in the I-formation behind the venerable Chris Chandler, who fakes the handoff to Bailey and takes the ball on his own for 14 yards. The same play is called on the next set of downs, though this time Chandler opts to throw and finds tight end Butch Rolle for just their first connection all season. This one is good for 26 more yards, and from there, Chandler looks toward the sure hands of Bailey in the end zone. Unfortunately, Chandler's own hands were a little less than sure when the ball sails into a cart of Cuban sandwiches behind section ZZ.

The patented Proehl reverse is good for an absolute zero yards, and so on third down, Phoenix makes things even more complicated by adding in one more step to the reverse with a modified flea flicker that winds up blocked in the back of the end zone. The unpredictable Greg Davis is out to kick in a chip shot from 33, though the ball never had a chance as it careens off the left upright and into the waiting arms of some angry bookies.

Rams' quarterback Jim Everett goes big, though Flipper Anderson can't take him home when the long ball is broken up. On second down, Everett goes to another capable receiver in tight end Jim Price, though the decision to throw to the only covered guy on the field proves not as fruitful as Jim had hoped. On 3rd down, the Rams exhibit their ground game behind the dynamic Tim Lester, though his first national appearance is a bust when he's 2 yards short of the 10 needed for a first down. Don Bracken!

Johnny Bailey is pinned at his own 8-yard line this time with Bracken's expertly placed punt. On the first play of a new drive, Chandler finds Prime Time Butch Rolle once again, this time for 38 yards after Rolle is able to throw off some would-be tacklers. Kevin Greene brings the blitz on the next set of downs, knocking Chandler back 11 yards, though the unfazed Everett, Washington Warrior comes back and finds a wide open Randal Hill in stride for a 73-yard score.

Phoenix leads 7-0

Quarter Two
Greg Davis, perhaps on a bit of a rush after converting the extra point, whiffs his kickoff to Vernon Turner who returns it to the 45-yard line for the Rams. Cleveland Gary gets his first carry, though he's anything but scary with 5 yards as he tarries. Jim Price picks up the slack with a 16-yard reception, though the drive stalls for a bit with Everett's passes struggling to get over the line of scrimmage. Facing a 3rd-and-10 situation, Everett finds the loyal Tim Lester in the flat, who uses his bionic legs to outrun the defenders for a game-tying touchdown.

Score tied 7-7

Johnny Bailey fights for all he's worth just to get to the Cardinals' 35-yard line, and we'll see what kind of mettle Phoenix is made up of as they try to answer the blow to their momentum. Bailey is fed the ball on first down, though his dizziness from his whirlwind return keeps him from passing through his own right tackle's behind and he's taken down for no gain. The always underrated and never overstated Ricky Proehl makes one of his famous in-coverage catches on second down at the Los Angeles 28-yard line, which is followed right up with the MVP of Mrs. Chandler's household lacing his throw just over the fingers of a Rams defender into the waiting arms of Hill, who runs it in for his second touchdown of the game.

Phoenix leads 14-7

Turner the kick returner can't turn the corner, and is felled just shades in front of his own team's end zone. Though Phoenix predictably brings the blitz, Everett can't scramble hard enough and is taken down by none other than the only man on the field named after a piece of sportswear, Jock Jones, for a safety.

Phoenix leads 16-7

Bailey continues to work for yards, returning the ensuing kickoff to the Cardinals' 42-yard line. With the clock winding down, Phoenix scrambles for any added points to drive into the blue and yellow hearts of Los Angeles, though it doesn't start well when the Rams' front seven plows through and takes Bailey down for a loss of 4. Coach Joe Bugel reaches down deep into his bag of tricks and calls the Ricky Proehl reverse and, perhaps not believing such a call would ever be picked at this juncture in the game, the Rams are fooled, letting Proehl run all over the field for 55 yards to the Los Angeles 8 yard line, wiping all but 3 seconds left on the clock. Once again playing the game of chance, Coach Bugel sends Davis out to try from 25 yards instead of going with the odds, though Davis does manage to squeak it in to add to Phoenix's lead before the half.

Phoenix leads 19-7

Halftime - Cardinals 19, Rams 7

Quarter Three

Turner once again fails to bring the ball out past the 20-yard line, giving the Rams yet another short field to work with. The Cardinals bring the blitz on first down, muddying Everett 8 yards back to extend the field. Taking a break on second down, Jim hands it off to Lester who can't erase the deficit with just a 6-yard carry. On 3rd-and-12, Everett manages to save the drive with a pass to Hank Ellard, who brings it down at the Los Angeles 45-yard line. The visionary Rams team runs the exact same play, once again to a rousing success with another catch from Ellard for 36 yards. Lester tacks on 4 more yards to break up the excitement, which is joined in progress with Everett choosing Ellard out of his 3 open receivers to score the touchdown and close the gap.

Phoenix leads 19-14

Tony Zendejas pins Bailey deep on the kick to keep his team's momentum going, starting Phoenix at their own 7-yard line. Bailey responds with his first breakaway run of the day, charging straight up the middle for 36 yards. Kevin Greene gets his second inspired sack of the day, extending the down another 10 yards, though the Cardinals mockingly answer with a Proehl reverse that goes for 31 yards to the Los Angeles 36-yard line. Chandler finds Hill on the next play, who knocks three Rams defenders to their knees with his divine reception abilities, and proceeds to run it in for their third touchdown connection of the evening.

Phoenix leads 26-14

Turner takes advantage of a bad Greg Davis kick to give his Rams a starting shot at their 42-yard line, though a Ken Harvey sack of a defeated Chris Everett knocks them back around the 30. The third quarter comes to a close with the Rams converting the first down, however, as Everett finds Flipper open at the Phoenix 31-yard line.

Quarter Four
And just as Sunday morning brings with it the hopelessness of understanding the unconscious, Crisco-covered donkey in your bed, so does a new quarter bring with it the hopelessness of the Rams' offense as the sure-handed Tim Lester coughs the ball up to Aeneas Williams just as Los Angeles hoped to keep this one close.

Chandler's pass to the well that is Randal Hill comes up empty as it's batted away, though on a second attempt, he finds that there's still something lurking in the muck of the Rams' secondary with a Hill reception at the Los Angeles 44-yard line. Proehl can't pull it down on the next play, most likely because he's wide open, so Chandler tries it again on second down with two men all over Ricky. This time, he brings it in for a gain of 24 yards as Phoenix prepares to iron out their first win just ten weeks into the season. With Chandler scrambling for 12 yards and finding Proehl open in the end zone on the next play, it appears their outlook on the last half of the season will be wrinkle-free.

Phoenix leads 33-14

Starting from their own 23-yard line and looking for the all-important dignity points, Everett gets his crew started on a positive note by cowering away and letting Lester scramble for 7 yards. A lateral pass to Cleveland Gary is batted away on second down, though on the third of their four downs, Gary manages to convert with a 6 yard scamper up the middle. Lester runs once more for 13 yards, though it's probably the catch and run to the Phoenix 12-yard line that truly proves the Cardinals are already packing the bus up. Aeneas Williams delays the inevitable garbage touchdown with a sack of Everett. With 25 seconds remaining, Everett lobs it to Gary who chooses not to be tackled at the 5-yard line until Coach Knox is literally out on the field pushing him over. With just 5 seconds remaining, Everett finds Gary in the end zone to cover the spread and send us all to bed with every intention of mind-wiping that last drive from our memories.

Phoenix leads 33-21

Final: Cardinals 33, Rams 21

Phoenix played at about the same temperature as their city in August, with Chandler taking advantage of a 27th-ranked pass defense and going off for four touchdowns, three going to game MVP and hotel key displayer Randal Hill. The Cardinals win their first game of the season with the bright lights of The Tecmo Bowl shining on them, and if they continue to play with this much excitement and ferocity, we may honor their claims to the next six Monday Night games. Meanwhile, Los Angeles can't capitalize on playing a winless team to keep their fading hopes alive at contending in their very top-heavy division, and must sulk back to below .500 where they will inevitably stay as long as their defense doesn't undertake a massive overhaul. All told, we were proud to display this contest between two nomadic teams that will eventually call the same division home. Perhaps one day, they'll even have a quarterback to lead them to the big game. Though that's about as big a pipe dream as the one currently residing in Freddie Joe Nunn's vacuous skull.

Wild Card Weekend: Saturday Edition

It's time to break out the good beer and serious music: it's Tecmo playoff season. We didn't really know what to expect when we started this other than what was expected, and now it's finally time to forge the road that Buffalo and San Francisco will eventually take to the playoffs. Today we'll begin with a couple of 3-6 match-ups between teams that have all seen each other before. Seattle and Denver had two divisional match-ups in which they split, but Denver won the division so I guess blah blah blah whatever. Green Bay and the Rams had an altercation in Week 5 in which the Rams blew the Packers out behind a big game from Jim Everett, but Don Majkowski has a history of turning it up in the playoffs--and by that, of course, we mean high school, as this will be his first NFL playoff game.

6 Green Bay Packers (9-6-1) at 3 Los Angeles Rams (10-6)

And Faison applauds perhaps a bit disingenuously

Quarter One
Willie Anderson returns to the fray after a few weeks out. Derrick Faison, a late-season hero for the Rams, sits on the sidelines with a ball cap on. We're already thinking things don't bode well for the Rams, until Buford McGee returns the kickoff all the way to the Green Bay 30-yard line. This makes him the first Buford to ever return a kick in NFL playoff history, as well as the first man named Buford since the Civil War. On the first play from scrimmage, Anderson is welcomed back with a 30-yard toss from Jim Everett that's good for a Rams touchdown.

Los Angeles leads 7-0

Down early, Green Bay doesn't panic and instead goes the slow route with a few Sterling Sharpe reverse plays mixed in with some short dink-and-dunk passes. After the ninth Sharpe reverse somehow fools the Rams defense and goes for 35 yards, Keith Woodside chugs it in from 6 yards out to tie the game.

Score tied 7-7

Quarter Two
The Rams are forced to start behind the 50-yard line, which means they have to break out an actual playbook for this drive. They follow Cleveland Gary and Curt Warner downhill as they cut through the Green Bay defense like the hunk of cheddar they are, and in just under two minutes into the quarter Cleveland Gary's racing 22 yards to paydirt.

Los Angeles leads 14-7

The Sharpe reverse is blasted in two consecutive plays, and so the Packers bring out Don Majkowski for the first time this quarter to run a few plays. But on 3rd and 24, Don is running instead of throwing and the rabbit continues napping inside the hat as the Packers are forced to punt.

Everett, who's having a quietly perfect day, converts a perfect throwing drive into a perfect 30-yard catch and run from Mr. Perfect look-alike, Curt Warner. Oh wait, maybe that's Kurt Warner. Google images doesn't differentiate, so why should I?

Los Angeles leads 21-7

I think the wrong guy is jumping here

Green Bay faces a deep hole just before halftime, and for the first time in a while that doesn't refer to Anthony Dilweg. They play patient football, and after another long Sharpe reverse to the Rams' 26-yard line, Majkowski and Sharpe go to much more familiar territory with a 26-yard pass, leaving just 26 seconds on the clock. Somehow we just know this is going to turn into a Jim Carrey reference.

Los Angeles leads 21-14

With Green Bay appearing to come alive and getting the ball after the break, the Rams will have a lot to talk about in the locker room after all the hookers leave.

Halftime - Rams 21, Packers 14

And best Men's Swimsuit Edition cover ever

Quarter Three
When Sharpe converts a 3rd-and-1 situation at the Rams' 18-yard line with a 3-yard reverse, you can just feel a momentum shift akin to when Tony Mandarich jumps. Sharpe does a relatively larger amount of damage on the next play when he drags in a 15-yard touchdown pass from Majkowski to pull Green Bay even with plenty of game to go.

Score tied 21-21

After two straight Packer blitzes, the Rams suddenly face 3rd-and-29 and their first potential non-scoring drive of the game. That doesn't remove their cocky-factor, however, when they simply hand it off to Warner up the middle. He only gains 3, the Rams are punting, and somewhere the modesty gods are chuckling.

The quarter ends with the Packers driving, capping off with a trademark 15-yard run from Majkowski to push them deep into Los Angeles territory.

Quarter Four
The final chapter in this first wild card game of The Tecmo Bowl season begins with Green Bay taking their first lead of the game on a 25-yard lob to Sharpe for his third touchdown of the day.

Green Bay leads 28-21

Somewhere out from the pixellated blob
emerges Jerry Holmes

Inspired by their offense, the Packers draw up another blitz and, unaware of what to do, Warner decides to fumble the ball over to pride of Hempstead High School, Johnny Holland. Despite the cries coming from the sideline to drop to the field, Holland selfishly and vaingloriously trucks it 32 yards for a touchdown to show why Texans are the worst.

Green Bay leads 35-21

With their fortunes flipped in just a matter of one and a half minutes, the Rams begin marching down the field, taking off quite a bit of time, but now they're in the red zone and it'll all be worth it if Gary can just keep running toward the--well, there goes that.

Green Bay takes over on the fumble, but are forced into a three-and-out by the Rams defense when they shrug off their effective Sharpe reverse play for the first time in three consecutive plays.

With 9 seconds to go, Ellard buys some time by faking an injury after the kick return. Derrick Faison makes his triumphant return to the field, looking for some late-game magic, but when the pass goes to Warner instead the official scorers decide not to give the Rams the 15 style points they could have used to eke this one out.

Final Score: Packers 35, Rams 21

And a rare playoff appearance by the Rams shows just why they shouldn't be there to belong with. After an explosive start, they ended up beating themselves with cocky prima donna attitudes while Green Bay played the patient cat-and-mouse game to advance. While we have to give Los Angeles credit for pulling the rug out from beneath the 49ers and taking the division this year, we somehow knew that Green Bay would win by playing the grittier, smash-mouth kind of football that Tecmo is known for, despite what flashy YouTube videos or time-wasting blog posts may tell you. The Packers meet divisional rivals Minnesota for NFC Central bragging rights.

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6 Seattle Seahawks (9-7) at 3 Denver Broncos (9-7)

Quarter One
Denver begins their history-making march toward Tecmo Bowl glory with a John Elway interception on first down.

Nice cross-body throw, jackass

The Seahawks play the ball-control game, despite the popular game plan of keeping the ball in Elway's uncertain hands, running Derrick Fenner up the gut and completing short passes up the middle. After about 16 carries and 4 minutes tick off the clock, Fenner gets his first Tecmo playoff touchdown since that one weird Tuesday afternoon about sixteen years ago.

Seattle leads 7-0

Denver drives their horseshit carriage down into the Seattle red zone behind the non-Rams cornerback Bobby Humphrey, but Elway's teeth get in the way again and he lobs up another pick at the Seattle 6-yard line.

Quarter Two
Seattle sandwiches a long 50-yard pass to Brian Blades between hard-nose running from Derrick Fenner and John L. Williams, and before it turns into a party sub they finally get the touchdown behind an 8-yard classical score-accompanied run by Williams.

Seattle leads 14-0

Who knew the Murphy Brown painter was also a medic?

Big weapon and favorite Elway target Vance Johnson goes out after a decent return, kick-starting an inspired drive from Denver. Humphrey carves the number 6-ranked defense Seahawks defense like sushi as he roars down the field, capping it off with a 15-yard run for the score. On a team filled with jack-asses, Humphrey is one bright stallion.

Seattle leads 14-7

The Seahawks get the ball back with just enough time to get All-Pro kicker and Leave it to Beaver dad, Norm Johnson, on the field. This prospect is made possible after a huge 64-yard grab from Blades, and Johnson punches it in from 33 yards out.

Seattle leads 17-7

Halftime - Seahawks 17, Broncos 7

Quarter Three
Needing a three-and-out to get the ball back, the number 1-ranked defense shows its fury and forces GQ cover model Dave Krieg off the field, although giving the ball back to John Elway isn't always the best decision in a wild card game.

Ricky, you forgot your game ball

Just like in their Week 3 Monday Night battle, Sammy Winder gets the call when Steve Sewell goes out, hopefully generating a spark in the silent Denver offense. He carries the ball into the Seattle red zone, where Denver meets much better fortunes than last time when Elway finds Vance Johnson replacement, Ricky Nattiel, for his first playoff touchdown in Tecmo history.

Seattle leads 17-14

With their division champions marching back, Seattle knows they need to kick up their play to Space Needle levels. However, in just two plays, they're facing a 3rd and 9 situation. Krieg dumps it off to the dependable Ron Heller, a man who's been here before, but the play comes up just a yard short and the Broncos will be getting the ball back with a chance to take the lead.

The second largest construct in Seattle

Quarter Four
The indomitable monster that is the Seattle defense wakes up, crushing Winder and Elway on two separate plays to force a 3rd-and-19 situation. Elway sees the open field ahead of him and draws up the run, but once again makes the mistake of being the first person in history to not see Cortez Kennedy. Denver punts.

With just under four minutes left, Seattle goes with a few Fenner runs to drain out the clock. Unfortunately, this game planning only gets them to their own 45-yard line at the two minute warning, and the Denver defense will give their team another chance for a late drive to pull ahead.

Elway and his Broncos aren't making any friends on the other side of the ball when they put themselves quickly into a 3rd and 17. Tony Woods gets his national exposure on a sack of Elway to force 4th down, but the Broncos are saddling up. Unfortunately for them, Woods' works at a glue factory in the offseason.

Seattle takes over on downs at the Denver 18-yard line, but 3 incomplete Krieg passes keep them out of the end zone. They go for the sure 3 points from Norm Johnson, but now take just a shaky 6-point lead over the Broncos with still a minute to go for some Elway postseason magic. So far, they've only just seen amateur birthday party clown Elway.

We've already sold this screen to NFL films

Seattle leads 20-17

The Broncos start at their own 47-yard line with just 23 seconds to go. Needing a touchdown, Elway goes for broke with a flea-flicker to Nattiel that gets them to the Seattle 20-yard line. To set the scene, the Broncos call their play with just one second remaining and the season on the line. And here, the game ends in storybook fashion. We should mention that this is a Seattle storybook, and Nesby Glasgow is the Prince whereas Elway is the sharp-fanged dragon.

Final Score: Seahawks 20, Broncos 17


The Seahawks are the second 6-seed to advance today, but the more probable 6-seed to continue as their defense wins this one. With three picks of Elway and championing the time management factor of the the game, Seattle wins smart, not hard, and will now meet the Oilers next round. Although the Cinderella season continues for the Seahawks, the Moon is rising in Houston, and a good defense against Denver is wildly different than a good defense against this season's most prolific offense. In either case, Seattle didn't go home with the trophy but show that they should have taken the division with a decisive tiebreaking victory over Denver. But as a consolation trophy, the Broncos will get to go home to some frost-brewed Coors Light, of which you'll most likely find the players still buried beneath about two months from now.

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Don't forget, tomorrow we'll wind up wild card weekend with Cincinnati in Miami and the Giants taking on the 49ers. It'll be the first time men in blue will be seen in San Francisco since last weekend's parade!

Looking Ahead (and Behind): Wild Card Weekend

Can you feel that? Yes, it's difficult to explain the feeling you get each year at this time (outside of nagging regret and a deep sense of failure for not keeping your New Year's Resolution even one week). But nonetheless, you feel it, and you can't escape it. Playoffs. But never before have you felt so attached to the teams in question. Sure, none of the players were on your fantasy team this year, but if you're honest with yourself you'll see that they mean so much more to you than stats or numbers. There you're family. There's your cocky younger brother, Jim Everett, frying the air with electric passes. There's your wise Canadian father, Mark Rypien, showing you how to act like you've been there before. And finally, there's weird Uncle Dave Krieg, who's always around even when he shouldn't be, i.e. yesterday morning's shower...

Today we'll take a look back at the season while also spit-shining our crystal ball to look for something to expect, even though we should know by now that the only thing to expect is some gosh-darned good Tecmo...plus a Denver vs. Seattle match-up.

AFC East
Nothing too surprising here. We nearly got the order right, but muddled up some of the numbers. The Bills weren't as dominant as we thought they'd be, at least not early on, but they're one of the hottest teams entering the playoffs. The Dolphins were coasting until a hiccup in Week 13, where they started a 3-game losing streak that saw the Bills take over the division and run away with it. They'll meet the upstart Bengals this weekend.

Now for some reason, yours truly put the Jets in the playoffs as a bold choice and true definition of the term 'wild card'. I don't know what I saw in Mr. O.Brien...perhaps it was his big collection of balls, or maybe that look in his eye that says "trust me" which, I admit, gets me every time. Instead, the Jets barely lost 3rd place to the Colts, a position that Indianapolis looked uncomfortable and awkward in the entire season.

Give it to Grogan, he made some games interesting, both with his uncanny inability to play football and his sheer determination to play football. He will forever keep the Patriots the most interesting 3-12 team to ever play the game of Tecmo. Perhaps we'll take you through a MAN season one year, Grogan, but you still have some trust to earn.


AFC Central
Houston took control early and didn't let go. We didn't expect much of a fight from the non-blood siblings that make up the rest of the division, but also didn't think the Oilers had it in them to rack up 13 wins, starting with a 4-0 head start. Luckily, the lowly Cincinnati Bengals made it a non-story with their huge late-season surge that saw them pull out from barely-breathing 5-7 in Week 13 to a chance for a wild card in control of their own destiny in the final week of the season. Here's to hoping that Boomer and his crew can keep whatever witch they hired alive to advance past the flawed and faltering Miami Dolphins during Wild Card weekend for at least one more week of magic.

The rest of the division finished out how we thought, and though the records differed slightly, they average out to the same and for that we give ourselves a hefty pat on the bottom. Neither team was particularly fun to watch, as expected, but did provide a good foil when one was needed. Good luck in the offseason, Pittsburgh and Cleveland. One of you is destined for a bright future, and the other, well, you'll be getting about 3 years off to reassess your campaign as a professional football team.


AFC West
Ah, the AFC West. The favorite division to think about when we couldn't sleep at night. Of course, you would finish in a three-way tie, but if it were truly up to the fans none of you would make the postseason. You've proven again why football will never take over baseball as America's game, mostly because you are an entire division of necessary evils that we'll never be able to vanquish no matter how strong our military might is.

Denver, you won the division in the very last week of the season despite being the long shot. You needed to win and hope for losses by the other two mongoloids ahead of you. Although we would normally commend you for that never-say-die attitude, we couldn't think of a more undeserving 'champion'.

We put Denver in the playoffs with a 9-7 record, which is about the only thing we got right. Kansas City gave up halfway through, Los Angeles did respectably mediocre again, and San Diego might as well have finished 5-11 with how terrible they were at the end. 9-7, Chargers? Seriously? Who do you think you're fooling? Here's to hoping Denver and Seattle play on a field covering a hidden wormhole or something.



NFC East
Flip Philadelphia and Washington around, and we didn't do too bad. Of course, that's easy to say now, but when it comes to the NFC East it's always a crap shoot. Washington led early and finished out in the last week with the title, which I guess I'm fine with as long as New York still got in with a wild card. While we've beat it in all of your heads that the Giants pulled off some mid-season magic after a 1-4 start, we do need to remember that the team has Phil Simms and Ottis Anderson. They'll need those guys this weekend if they want to beat the 49ers, another team that should have had a bye until a last-week coup in their own division.

Philadelphia was a bit of a disappointment to everyone in Philadelphia, but not really to the rest of us. They won some big games, lost even bigger ones (including a winner-takes-all game in Week 17 against the Redskins), and couldn't get any consistency out of QB Eagles, something we always take for granted before Week 1.

Dallas couldn't pull out the .500 record despite all of our opium-filled optimism, while Phoenix fell valiantly short of their 4-12 prognostication even after a 2-game win streak to close out the year.

NFC Central
Minnesota lost 37-0 in Week 1 to Chicago, and apparently that was all the fire they needed to rail off 11 wins in a row and be the first to plant a flag in their division championship. Since then, they've been one weird loss after another and doing a cartoonish stumble into the playoffs. We couldn't have gotten this division more wrong, erroneously predicting a strong finish by Chicago and Minnesota backing into the playoffs. Green Bay was the closest we got, and even that looks remarkably off. Nobody's ever been happier about a tie than Green Bay, as it kept them in and Chicago out after they both won in Week 17. They'll hope to out-duel the Rams and meet the Vikings in divisional play to get a measure of revenge.

We were a bit more hopeful for Detroit than we should have been, and even their 4-12 record surprises us after some of the jaw-dropping numbers Rodney Peete put up. Tampa Bay kept things interesting, holding on to a spot on the NFC bubble until Week 16 -- the longest they've ever been in the playoff picture until they dropped the creamsicle and Vinny Testaverde was playing back-up to University of Georgia alum and Rogaine spokesperson, Eric Zeier.

NFC West

The Los Angeles Rams and San Francisco 49ers combined for all 17 weeks leading the division, with the Rams leading the 49ers 11 weeks to 6. Of course, the eleventh week didn't come until the very last one, where Los Angeles pounded their way through the NFC West wall like Doomsday sniffing out Superman, taking the 49ers unawares. While everyone predicted a 49ers playoff berth, we were the most clueless with our pessimistic 6-10 guess for the Rams.

Both teams have big playoff match-ups this weekend against teams that certainly match up against their abilities well. The 49ers and Giants were both surprised by their depositions, but won't have time to cry in their beers when they duke it out. The Rams take on an unpredictably wild Packers team and a formidable foe in Don Majkowski. It'll be a game of who shows up against who, as both have shown to be offensive juggernauts, while also showing a bit of defensive retardation from time to time.

Atlanta was its normal pesky self, finishing with 6 wins, while the Saints came close to median as well. Yeah, we got nothing on these two anymore.


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So there you go. No more playoff calculating; no more flamboyant previews of games between irrelevant teams that wind up reading about as interesting as nutrition facts on a box of crackers. Right now, each game counts: win, you move on; lose, you're out, waiting nervously for the next undetermined time someone hits 'Season Game' on their Tecmo cartridge.

Wild Card weekend should prove to be just that, friends: Wild. With teams like Cincinnati and the Rams getting involved, we could be seeing deserving men like David Fulcher or Bern Brostek holding up the Lombardi. Of course, there's the more probable conclusion in which we see Dan Marino or Warren Moon slugging it out with QB Bills while San Francisco eats sourdough sandwiches on their next walk to the Tecmo Bowl. Nevertheless, faithful followers, we'll keep you in on the action until that fateful day we've all been waiting for, the day when we get to toast an Old Style to graphic designers Y. Mizushima and M. Mizuta during the end credits for gracing us with a game worthy of a twenty-something blogging about during his break in gainful employment.

Cheers!

Week Seventeen: New Year, Old Business

It's the last week of the year, but you can believe there'll be no benchings of Montanas or Moons as there's still plenty to play for. The only team that's locked up home field is Minnesota, and there are currently only three division champions. The standard Tecmo tiebreaker of using point differentials will make doing math on a Tuesday about 8 years removed from any statistics class that much easier. With that in mind, teams like Washington, Philadelphia, Los Angeles and Denver hold long shots at winning the division, but will need help from other teams and, in some instances, each other. Enough dilly-dallying, it's time to get down to what we've all really been waiting for these last few months, and that's Timm Rosenbach's final game.

1:00 Games

New York Jets (5-10) at Miami (10-5)

Miami wins the game to clinch a 4th seed in the playoffs, but they do so at the cost of Mark Clayton's fibula. Tony Paige took charge on the receiving end with 113 yards during another routine day for Dan Marino, while Ken O.Brien's 107 yards and 2 picks will make sure his routine next year includes retrieving shopping carts at the Whole Foods market.

Final Score: Dolphins 31, Jets 10

Pittsburgh (5-10) at Cleveland (6-9)

The Browns crawl into a last place tie with the Steelers in the AFC Central behind 3 interceptions from QB Browns. In a day filled with anticipation and excitement for other contests around the leauge, Merrill Hoge's stellar 145 yards rushing on 9 attempts is lost in the shuffle. While this may have led to the bitter, self-righteous man he'd come to be known as, for now he's still just "that one white guy in Pittsburgh who's not a lineman".

Final Score: Steelers 27, Browns 14

San Diego (9-6) at Denver (8-7)

The Broncos took the first game between these two in Week 4, and with another win here they continue stirring the pot of inedible stew that is the AFC West.  San Diego struck early with a B.J. Tolliver pass to a wide open Anthony Miller on the second play of the game, but from then on it was all a Denver rodeo, with Tolliver playing the clown that gets his ass dropped by Karl Mecklenburg. Tolliver ended with 2 picks, and a fumble recovery near the Denver goal line from Tyrone Braxton sealed the deal. John Elway mostly toyed with the San Diego defense, lofting up three or nineteen flea flickers, including a huge bomb right after halftime to Vance Johnson that put the Broncos up 14-10. 

The Broncos' win is only desired by Denver, as now Cincinnati is in a must-win situation against New England. Meanwhile, the bumbling Bolts need to pray to their god, Dan Fouts, for a Bengals loss to hope for a chance. The Los Angeles Raiders fall out of the race without even playing yet, and Seattle, whose grip on the division was about as tight as Derrick Fenner's butt, is now in jeopardy of letting it slip by should they lose to the Rams.

Final Score: Broncos 28, Chargers 10

Minnesota (12-3) at Green Bay (8-6-1)

In the position to knock the Packers out of playoff contention, the Vikings played all their starters, much to the worriment of nobody in Green Bay's front office. The tables turned in the Acme Packaging Company's favor when Herschel Walker went out in the second quarter with an injury and unresolved feelings of guilt. Wade Wilson tried his best Walker imitation with a rushing touchdown before the half, but being down 21-7 in the Don Majkowski Majik Show was just too big of a hurdle to climb. The men in purple closed the gap to 3 points in the fourth quarter with a Wilson-to-Steve Jordan 50-yard hookup, but a failed onside kick followed by a Majkowski-to-Perry Kemp connection for a touchdown sealed the deal on a disappointing day for the Vikings and Fuad Reveiz, who missed two field goals that would have given them the lead late in the game.

The Vikings still own home field, which will give Walker an extra week to rest, but they limp in after losing three of their last four. Green Bay claims a spot in the playoff party with the win, and could be the most dangerous with their offensive weapons and their 2-to-1 blonde mullet ratio.

Final Score: Packers 31, Vikings 21

New England (3-12) at Cincinnati (8-7)

Forced into a must-win with the Broncos' very probable beatdown of San Diego, the Bengals gladly welcomed the put-out Patriots to town. Cincinnati has been dangerous at home all year, but never so much as now behind a very determined offense that has racked up 3 wins in a row to take them from obscurity to possible playoff bracket-buster. James Brooks showed why he is one of the more underrated backs in Tecmo with a 50 yard dash to paydirt in the opening quarter. Another weapon that has emerged for Cincinnati, Tim McGee, caught two Boomer passes for touchdowns and another to put them in scoring position. The Patriots made it a game at the start with a nice drive led by Steve Grogan and John Stephens, but those two together couldn't out-do the Irving Fryar "last year of my contract" blues, as he dropped two sure-touchdowns for New England.

While nobody doubted that they could beat New England at home, the Bengals have been known to drop should-wins before to assure a spot in the playoffs for an irrelevant AFC West team. Not so this time around, as they boot San Diego from the postseason, and follow it up with some penis drawings on B.J. Tolliver's passed-out face.

Final Score: Bengals 31, Patriots 13

Seattle (9-6) at Los Angeles Rams (9-6)

While this was never really an important game for Seattle (a loss still assured them of a playoff spot and potential division title), nobody thought they'd play the foil the way they did here. It was a Tecmo game that made me wonder if I had channeled a Week One MAN/COM game in another dimension, as the Rams demolished the Seahawks with every weapon they had. Seattle has never been known for consistent play, but no one could predict the way their usually stout defense gave up two touchdowns each to Curt Warner and Henry Ellard. To the Rams' credit, their defense did highlight the Seahawks' deficiencies well with a safety and sack-fumble for a touchdown by Vince Newsome.

The Seahawks didn't play like a playoff-bound team here, and their first-round opponent may be watching this game tape with as much fervor as they watch all their films played in dimly-lit rooms. The Rams knew they'd need lots of points for a shot at the division, and they get the job done here. They're assured of at least a spot, while also butting the Bears and loser of the Washington/Philadelphia game out of the playoffs. Seattle loses out on a nearly-certain division title to Denver with this uninspiring blow-out.

Final Score: Rams 47, Seahawks 3

Indianapolis (5-10) at Tampa Bay (6-9)

It was a battle of teams that have showed glimpses of real possibility, but a clear inability to pay off Japanese programmers in the ways of Seattle or Chicago. Albert Bentley was hot with 100 yards rushing, while Reggie Cobb wasn't far behind with 7 rushes for 90 yards. Jeff George out-threw his opponent Vinny Testaverde in picks, 3 to 2, but also threw 200 more yards to cover up his stinkiness, much like Rohn Stark would do with the Oust in the bathroom later that night.

Final Score: Colts 28, Buccaneers 20

Los Angeles Raiders (7-8) at Kansas City (6-9)

No longer playing for their postseason lives, the Raiders still couldn't be outplayed by a horribly disappointing Chiefs squad. The two teams combined for 219 passing yards, while the Oakland Raiders' leading rusher on a team with Bo and Marucs was quarterback Jay Schroeder with 34 yards on 1 attempt. Hopefully nobody told him to stop running and he'll meet up with obscurity sooner rather than later.

Final Score: Raiders 24, Chiefs 20

Houston (12-3) at New York Giants (10-5)

It was an important game for both teams' playoff positioning, with the Oilers taking over on a late touchdown to seal the Number 1 seed in the AFC and delaying New York's clinching of the NFC East. The Giants lost David Meggett in the fray, and couldn't make up his loss on the ground with 122 yards on a whopping 22 attempts. New York will watch the rest of the day's games to see where they wind up, knowing that a big win by Washington or Philadelphia may mean Phil Simms having to cancel his appearance on 'The Flo' infomercial during week one of the playoffs.

Final score: Oilers 21, Giants 14

Philadelphia (9-6) at Washington (9-6)

The Eagles jumped into an improbable second-place tie with Washington to set up a pivotal match-up in the final week of the season. They won the first meeting in Week 5, but that was at home in a much less pressurized situation. They visited the nation's capitol for a shot at a wild card berth, but ended up playing the springboard for Washington in their quest to steal the division from the Giants. By halftime, it was already 23-3 behind a very effective Mark Rypien and Earnest Byner. Philadelphia had multiple chances to score, but Washington showed why they're the number two ranked defense with multiple sacks of QB Eagles in the end zone, a blocked field goal and a safety.

The Redskins do double-duty in their division by Markus Koch-ing the Eagles out of the playoffs and taking advantage of Tecmo's simple points-differential tiebreaker to take the division away from New York. A loss by San Francisco will also give them a real shot of a first-week bye, something that seemed very far off even after a huge win in New York last week to put them here in the first place. It's already shaping up to be a competitive postseason in the NFC, and with Mark Rypien involved corners everywhere are stocking up on double-sided tape.

Final Score: Redskins 37, Eagles 6

4:00 Games

Phoenix (2-13) at New Orleans (7-8)

The Cardinals win their second in a row and third out of the last 16 with a late surprise touchdown to keep the Saints from achieving a rare .500 season. Timm Rosenbach was his famously inefficient self with just above 50% completion rate and only 127 yards, but Phoenix took advantage of a rare off-day from Steve Walsh to pin it in. Of course, fans in the desert are decrying the Cardinals' inability to even be the worst team in the NFL this year.

Final Score: Cardinals 24, Saints 21

Dallas (6-9) at Atlanta (5-10)

The Falcons claim their sixth victory here over a very dispossessed Cowboys team. Chris Miller, one of the more accurate passers in the game, was only 50%, but his inability to match Troy Aikman in interceptions kept them in the win column. Also, Atlanta's ability to have a star wide receiver in Andre Rison lead the team in receiving yards rather than a back-up running back in Tommie Agee was sure to have helped their cause.

Final Score: Falcons 20, Cowboys 14

Buffalo (11-3-1) at Detroit (4-11)

The Bills lost out on their chance for a number one seed with the Oilers' win, but still took care of business in Detroit. QB Bills had 184 yards passing, while Thurman Thomas had a robust 88 yards on 8 rushes. After they were taken out two minutes into the first quarter, they let Detroit beat themselves to assure their standing as one of the teams coached by Wayne Fontes.

Final Score: Bills 35, Lions 24

Chicago (8-7) at San Francisco (10-5)

The Bears apparently enjoy the taste of ten crates of champagne over a playoff berth, since they rocked the 49ers on the road despite being knocked out of the playoffs earlier by San Francisco's division-foes in the Rams. Fan-favorite Brad Muster was the first to enjoy it when he went out with an undisclosed injury in the 1st quarter, but the Bears defense held up to keep Tom Rathman at 32 yards rushing and Joe Montana at just 177 yards with an interception. Jim Harbaugh was an uncharacteristic 76% efficient with 251 yards, perhaps knowing that champagne tasted even better filtered through groupies' panties.

Final Score: Bears 34, 49ers 20

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So the final three divisions are clinched, seedings are finalized, and we're all set for the Tecmo Bowl playoffs. To be honest, I almost wish I could just end here, knowing that the excitement and drama we've encountered for the past seventeen weeks being almost too much to contain in these flawed shells we call bodies. Alas, Tecmo is not so forgiving, and we must forge ahead. While not all of our predictions came true, we couldn't be too much happier with how things panned out. Here's to hoping for an equally dramatic and improbable postseason leading up to a Tecmo Bowl game unlike any other in simulated COM-COM Tecmo history!

(Wednesday) Night Football: Minnesota vs. L.A. Rams

Rich Gannon, the loose cannon

It's Wednesday night, so you all know what that means! That's right, a regulated NFL game between two teams featuring rosters 20 years old. Also, it means that your dear writer is about chin deep in "what-have-I-got-myself-into"-ness. But you should feel blessed; while the rest of the world pretends to root for one irrelevant college team versus another irrelevant college team during bowl season, you get to see two teams duke it out in proper 8-bit fashion. Tonight, the 12-2 Minnesota Vikings travel to the west coast to jam their purple shoes into the throats of the 8-6 Los Angeles Rams. With a loss, the Rams will hand over the division to the 49ers and exchange their unis for some cabana gear, but with a win, they keep the oxygen pumping through the tanks for a shot at the impossible. While the 49ers are hoping that Minnesota hasn't packed it in already, the fact that the men in purple have locked up home field means that our worlds should most likely be rocked by none other than Mr. Rich Gannon.

1991: When footballs apparently had teeth, or poison

Quarter One
Gaston Green takes the kickoff, and then becomes this week's particular Los Angeles pariah when he fumbles it over to Minnesota at the Rams' 33-yard line. We can't fault him too much, however, as the Vikings gave the Rams about 15 seconds to recover it themselves. I guess it really is about who wants it more.

On the Vikings' first possession, Wade Wilson drops back but overthrows Steve Jordan in the end zone. Wilson passes from the gun on the next play, and flips it to Jordan for a 5-yard gain and a nice round of polite applause from the Rams fans. Rick Fenney takes the carry on third down, but only nets 3 yards to initiate the first Fuad Reveiz sequence of the day. Mr. Automatic is having problems with his clutch, however, and banks the 43-yard attempt off the right upright. The ball is given back to Los Angeles in basically the same field position, minus about a minute and a half.

Gotta love that team blocking

The Rams choose a Curt Warner dash on first down, and Warner Jiffy Pops a few defenders off of him for 2-yard run that turns into a 10-yard gain and a first down. On second down, a purple wave washes over Jim Everett, led by Scott Studwell who drops the Rams' QB for a loss of 9. When Everett's first pass is blocked on its way to Henry Ellard, Los Angeles is suddenly facing a 3rd-and-19 situation. They go with their secret weapon, the man who's personality is so looming that they had to name him after a mid-size metropolitan area, and Cleveland Gary cruises for 31 yards. Two plays later, and Everett finds the Ellard hookup he missed out on before for a 41-yard touchdown.

Los Angeles leads 7-0

Herschel Walker takes his first carry, a kick return, out to the Minnesota 38-yard line. Wilson, who's first name should never be confused with 'Athleticism', scrambles out of a blitz and finds Fenney on the run for a 26-yard pass connection. One play later, and Wilson fools the Rams' 'D' and nobody else with a flea-flicker touchdown connection to Walker to make a game of it.

Score tied 7-7

With just seconds left in the quarter, Gaston Green gets the Rams into good starting position at midfield. Everett scrambles for a five yard gain into Vikings territory, only to flip the field when the quarter comes to a close.

If it weren't for Tecmo, we wouldn't know that Cleveland
Gary was an amputee

Quarter Two
A lateral to Gary, first name Cleveland, only nets 3 more yards, and so the Rams face another precarious third down. Luckily for them, Warner hasn't had his third-down conversion appetite whetted in a while, so he gets the ball and gobbles up ten yards. Gary takes the ball 27 yards on the next play down to the Minnesota 3-yard line, but it takes two more plays before he's finally given the ball back to complete the score.

Los Angeles leads 14-7

Minnesota starts from their own 28-yard line. They quickly add another 50% of that with a 14-yard Hassan Jones reverse, and while the Rams wait for their watches to catch up with real time, Fenney guts it up the middle and then races 48 yards to the Rams' 10-yard line. The Jones reverse is inexplicably called, but it still nets another 6 yards. The final 4 are picked up on the third Jones reverse of the drive, and Jerry Burns is hailed as a cerebral coaching genius for about 0.7 seconds.

Score tied 14-14

With time running out on the half and knowing that the Vikings will be taking the ball directly afterwards, the Rams run three straight carries by Warner and Gary that net 19 yards. With just 24 seconds left, Everett goes for the gold, but overthrows 'Average' Willie Anderson at the 2-yard line. Warner scrambles for 4 yards to get into Mike Lansford territory, who nails it up the middle from 55 yards out. Somewhere Fuad Reveiz is asking for an advance on his weekly stipend.

Los Angeles leads 17-14

Physics were never Lansford's forte

Halftime - Rams 17, Vikings 14

Quarter Three
Walker zig-zags his return all the way to the Rams' 46-yard line to start the second half. Minnesota appears to boldly go for a third consecutive Jones reverse, but the play is predicted wisely by the Rams' 'D' and is blown up for a loss of 6. Back in their own side of the world, Walker takes the ball on a fake reverse for 16 yards and a first down. With that wild success, the Vikings decide to go back to Jones, but he loses 11 and the NFL Rules Committee is seriously thinking about revoking the earlier touchdown. Fenney is finally entrusted with the ball, but only gets 3 of those yards back and now Minnesota faces a 3rd-and-18 situation. A play action pass to Anthony Carter lands somewhere between Carter's hands and a nacho vendor 18 rows up, and Harry Newsome is on to show why he's paid the big bucks.

Doleman only knows 2 words:
BLARRGHH and psychophysicotherapeutics

Chris Doleman takes a Minnesota-sized bite out of Everett on first down, and then spits him out two plays later with another sack on 3rd-and-21. The Rams barely avoid a safety, and immediately punt it back to the Vikings to get Doleman back to his psychological evaluation on the sidelines.

The Vikings start at midfield after a billowing punt from Keith English. After two unsuccessful flea flickers, one of which was dropped by Cris Carter at the Rams 5-yard line, the Vikings face a quick 3rd-and-10 situation. Walker tries his best to earn his $38,000 per carry, but only nets 8 yards and Newsome is on to play 500 with the Rams once again.

Gary runs twice consecutively for 23 yards as the quarter expires with no scores, but with Los Angeles charging.

We still don't know where Tecmo found this screenshot
in their microprocessor

Quarter Four
The mysterious 'M.' Merriweather takes Everett down for another 10 yard loss and his fourth sack of the game. Jim's rage is felt on 3rd-and-15, however, when he keeps Punt-a-mania from forging ahead with a 22-yard connection to 'Fading Health' Willie Anderson. When the play is over and three purple jerseys are peeled off Anderson, the medical staff is on to cart him away. It's a deep cut into the Rams' offensive weaponry, but three plays later his replacement Derrick Faison shows incredible promise with a 45-yard snag that's good for Los Angeles' third touchdown of the game. And according to Stats LLC, it's one of Faison's three career receptions, so pat yourself on the back for getting to bear witness to such a rare and exciting feat.

Los Angeles leads 24-14

Walker fights his way to the Rams 44-yard line, his second return into L.A. territory today. After a wild overthrow of one of the Carters (we weren't paying attention), Wilson goes to Jones, who decides to perform one of his more common duties in actually catching the ball as a wide receiver. Jones zooms down to the Rams' 7-yard line, and two plays later Wilson's scrambling in for a Minnesota touchdown. But down by 3 with just two minutes to go, Fuad Reveiz is finishing witness protection paperwork in the tunnel before he kicks it back to the Rams.

Los Angeles leads 24-21

Gary scoops up the bumbled onside kick from Reveiz, who obviously has other things on his mind, and scoots around to hustle it all the way to the Vikings' 13-yard line. He gets the ball on first down for the inevitable score, and somewhere in South America the kids are getting ready for a Christmas filled with rejected San Francisco division champion shirts--at least for the time being.

Los Angeles leads 31-21

Time runs out on Minnesota's chances for an improbable 13th win, although they'll have a chance next week with about 2 of their starters playing. Cris Carter makes things interesting with two huge catches that get the Vikings to the Rams 6-yard line, but with time expiring, the relevance of this is somewhere between 8th grade trigonometry and flossing with no dentist appointments in the near future.

Final Score: Rams 31, Vikings 21

It was a game that meant everything to one team, and very little to the other. Still, it was a fun, offensive-in-a-good-way contest that showed off two potential playoff teams. We're excited to see what kind of damage Cleveland Gary can cause in the postseason if the Rams continue to roll, while we think the Rick Fenney factor is inversely proportional to Minnesota's own success on their march to the Tecmo Bowl. We're still not sure why the Vikings are the number one team this year, with two of their 8 plays consisting of a reverse and flea flicker that should doom them to Phoenix Cardinals island, but they've found a way to win which is the most important thing in Tecmo's NFL. Minnesota gets another team hungry for a shot in the playoffs with Green Bay next week, while Los Angeles has their own hands full with Seattle looking to not lose the AFC West championship. We know they're hoping for a quick return to 'Fast' status for Willie Anderson, otherwise the Rams are heading into shaky ground with their entire season on the line.