Week Seventeen: In Like a Boomer, Out Like a Bear

There have been brighter days for some of the teams on today's schedule, as this marks their final day in existence (at least in the blogging realm). We know who's in already, though that doesn't make our slate of games any less exciting. There's no way of knowing until the dust has settled who's playing where or against whom and, in the NFC anyway, none of the divisions have even been cinched up. Philadelphia and Atlanta control their own destinies, whereas Minnesota could find themselves singing the Ray Berry Blues if they can't tow the line in the Central. But we've all been around this mulberry bush before. Let's chase out the Esiason weasel and get down to Week 17!

 

1:00 Games

San Diego (10-5) * Seattle (4-11)

Nate Lewis returns in time for this playoff warm-up against the Seahawks, though the Chargers looked more like an AFC West division mid-dweller with Stan Humphries unable to out-throw Stan Gelbaugh's 119 yards. His 3 interceptions to Gelbaugh's 0 actually put his net total somewhere south of the century mark, and the Chargers stumble from a sure playoff bye-week to a possible 3-seed with their fourth loss in five games to end the season. Bob Gagliano's parents are already on the phone with San Diego's GM.

Final Score: Seahawks 24, Chargers 7

Indianapolis (4-11) * Cincinnati (6-9)

The merciless final year of the Boomer Esiason regime comes to a defiant, shoulder-shrugging end as the towhead tosses in the towel early. Esiason's final stat line as a Bengal reads 27% with just 62 yards and an interception. Jeff George, another quarterback with an itchy jock, padded his resume for teams on the prowl with an 81% completion rating and 219 yards throwing. Suddenly, Cincinnati appeared every bit ready to challenge the Colts' ten-game losing streak this season before being rudely interrupted by its scheduled end.

Final Score: Colts 28, Bengals 14

Kansas City (4-11) * Denver (6-9)

Dave Krieg apparently heard about some open auditions going on and wound up crossing the 300-yard mark for the first time this season. And when he heard it was for the beloved Kansas City acting troupe, the Serendipity Players, he made lemonade out of the lemons he was accustomed to throwing all season and gracefully bowed out. The decision was made slightly easier when, despite his big day on the field, the Chiefs still lost to the punchless Broncos by ten points. 

Final Score: Broncos 31, Chiefs 21

L.A. Raiders (7-8) * Washington (8-7)

In a season that saw as many tie/near-tie games as it did cheerleader panty shots, there was no better way for the Cinderella Raiders to see their season end than in a tie game with the already-deposed Redskins. Mark Rypien threw hard enough to end it early with 293 yards passing, however it appeared Washington was more content in letting the Raiders implode by themselves. Why choose to go out of playoff contention on the last week of the season in a hail of gunfire, when you can go out napping on the couch with a bag of stale Cheetohs in your crotch?

Final Score: Raiders 14, Redskins 14

Minnesota (10-5) * Green Bay (4-11)

The Packers appeared to have thrown every game this season just for this moment; a chance to sneak up and slice the jugular of Rich Gannon and Co. A dominating loss for the Vikings, who have led the NFC Central since week one, suddenly put them on the precipice of going home early to catch their wives with the poolboys should Chicago pull out an improbable win against Dallas later. Brett Favre put on one of his rare yet dazzling flawless performances of 283 yards and no picks to lay the final rotten egg on an already rotten second half for the Purple Poutine-Eaters.

Final Score: Packers 28, Vikings 14

Tampa Bay (6-9) * Phoenix (3-12)

A week off of nearly cancelling San Francisco's plane to the playoff tickets, Tampa Bay lays a stinker and loses to the worst team in football. Whether it was a legitimate underestimation or simply the Buccaneers' front office hoping to draft high on yet another overrated wide receiver, Tampa Bay ended another disappointing season unnoticed by most. Fortunately, this allowed Vinny Testaverde to get away with not realizing his helmet was on backwards for most of the game.

Final Score: Cardinals 24, Buccaneers 14

Miami (11-3-1) * New England (5-10)

When the Dolphins took a big lead early and late-season ROY candidate Kevin Turner went down for New England, Dan Marino promptly took his seat on Coach Shula's lap to watch the Dolphins give up 14 points in the 4th quarter. New England wins their third game in a row to end the 1992 season, overcoming the crowned AFC East champions in the process, though its significance is about as important as Hugh Millen's appearance at Roosevelt High's 10-year high school reunion.

Final Score: Patriots 28, Dolphins 24

Houston (10-5) * Buffalo (10-5)

A possible playoff preview and replay of last year's AFC Championship didn't disappoint, though this time Buffalo took the spoils to enter the playoffs as the conference's hottest team with a 7-game winning streak. Though Houston already had their division wrapped up, they still had a chance to clinch a bye with a win. Fortunately, Stan Humphries's mystery of which bed he woke up in proved more puzzling than Warren Moon's, and the Oilers back into the bye with their own streak of two losses.

Final Score: Bills 21, Oilers 14

4:00 Games

New Orleans (10-5) * N.Y. Jets (7-7-1)

A tie game for the Jets may not have given them any clear advantage heading towards the end of the season, but it gave the rest of us the advantage of not having to work a calculator by drawing a line in the proverbial playoff sand: win and in, lose and out. And just when it appeared we were close to seeing the end of the clinically-indefinable season for the Jets, Browning Nagle pulled together one of his wholly underwhelming yet somehow effective performances to catch the reeling Saints on their heels. The game was a microcosm of New Orleans' season, with a quick strike to start the game, including a huge Morten Anderson 60-yard cannonball launch before the end of the half, followed by a second half of fumbles, interceptions, and a botched chip shot by the very same Anderson. The implosion opened the door for Cary Blanchard to triple his field goal count for the season, kicking 3 in the second half, including a doubtless game-winner, to give the Jets an improbable and somewhat undeserved chance to redeem their own disappointing second half of the season with a postseason berth.

The Jets not only put the loser of the simultaneous PIT/CLE game out to pasture, but also opened the backdoor for the Atlanta Falcons to sneak through to a division championship, capping an exciting race with a Georgia peach-sized thud.

Final Score: Jets 16, Saints 13

L.A. Rams (8-7) * Atlanta (11-4)

Despite scoreboard-watching telling the story of Atlanta's victory over the torrid NFC West, they still put on a solid performance to deliver upon themselves a first-round bye and keep the Rams from staying above .500, which would have been a respectable feat considering their depressing dethronement midway through the season. Chris Miller put up a strong performance of 282 passing yards with 72% completed passes, designating the Falcons as the NFC's dark horse despite finishing in the Top 2 of the conference.

Final Score: Falcons 28, Rams 21

Pittsburgh (8-7) * Cleveland (8-7)

Though Cleveland fans never expected their team to be fighting for a Wild Card spot in Week 17, the Browns and their somehow fitting 'streaky' season kept them in the race until about 3 minutes into the first quarter. Whether it was the pressure of the situation or the fact that Pittsburgh had mountains more talent in every aspect of the game, Cleveland choked harder than LG Dan Fike at the Sunday morning buffet. The Steelers, knowing that their own promising season was threatened with the Jets taking charge against New Orleans, came alive behind multiple Barry Foster sprints and a defense that, when they weren't feasting on Mike Tomczak's mush-brain, were intercepting his desperation passes. After a sure-thing turned into a probably-not with a 2-game losing streak going into Week 17, Pittsburgh earned their berth with a powerful shellacking and also reviving the all-important fear factor for their first postseason opponent.

With Thurman Thomas still out, Barry Foster's 108-yard performance gave him a 56-yard lead in the rushing champion category that will surely give him MVP honors, no matter where the Steelers end up in four weeks. And if you thought 'fishing for endorsement deals', you may not be far off.

Final Score: Steelers 35, Browns 7

San Francisco (9-6) * Detroit (4-11)

Left for dead and without an answer just a week ago, the 49ers pulled out a classic performance over the kitty cats of Detroit to give them just enough point differential for a wild card spot and making the NFC Central a winner-take-all scenario. Though Barry Sanders tried to make up for another sub-50 yard rushing performance with some yards in the air, nothing will overshadow perhaps the worst year of his career. Meanwhile, Steve Young kept Montananite head-hunters at bay for one more week with 305 yards and 83% of his passes completed.

Final Score: 49ers 35, Lions 10

Dallas (10-5) * Chicago (10-5)

Though Dallas was already certified a playoff contender with the Minnesota loss, they let a shot at the NFC East title slip through against Chicago, whose noses perked up even more at the taste of Viking blood in the water. Led by Jim Harbaugh's effective arm and the balanced attack of Neal Anderson and Brad Muster, Chicago knew a loss spelled the end of their improbable postseason run due to early-season blowout losses. And after sixteen weeks of looking up at Randall McDaniel's ass, the Bears took care of their own blowout. Though it was Chicago's offense that rolled down the field, it was their wakened defense that bloodied and scarred Troy Aikman early and also denied Emmitt Smith the 56 yards he needed to surpass Barry Foster as this season's rushing champion. The Cowboys closed in on Chicago just before the half with their own impressive defensive effort that saw Jim Jeffcoat's labored fumble recovery for a touchdown, yet it was Chicago who, despite being 2 games out with just 3 to go, restored the grizzle to Coach Ditka and has the Bears in as a 6-seed.

The Dallas loss not only cleared the way for the foretold Philadelphia championship, but it also cemented a certain rematch with Chicago in the first round of the playoffs. For revenge to be effective, it must surely be swift.

Final Score: Bears 40, Cowboys 21

Philadelphia (11-4) * N.Y. Giants (5-10)

An NFC East Championship already delivered to them midway through the third quarter, the Eagles still never lost sight at what was at stake. A win over the embarrassment that is the New York Football Giants gives Philadelphia the number one seed in the NFC playoffs, giving Randall Cunningham a chance to rest his weary legs that saw him finishing amongst the Top 20 rushers in the NFL. Jeff Hostetler, meanwhile, will have little chance to rest his weary mustache before inevitably entering into the gay porn industry for a paycheck next year, otherwise known as Raiders Training Camp. 

Final Score: Eagles 24, Giants 20

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Just a few short hours ago, we were ready to scratch our final contenders into the engraving that was the 1992 Tecmo Bowl Playoffs. Had we done that, we'd certainly be scouring the mines for new malleable metal as, once again, the Tecmo gods had their way with us. Though Atlanta and Philadelphia came in leading their respective divisions, we had no reason to not believe the Saints and Cowboys couldn't collect on what was owed them, losing to vastly inferior teams that suddenly see their names immortalized on postseason parchment. And, only in Tecmo would we see a team that led every week of the season not only be deposed of a division title, but miss the playoffs altogether thanks to wonky scheduling and the infamous 'point differential tiebreaker'. And now, because our own wonky schedule brought these games to you mid-week, we're not sure if any of us will be ready for this unlikely playoff schedule to hit us. Nonetheless, ready we must be as Wild Card Weekend waits for no man! Unless that man wakes up with a wicked hangover Saturday morning and won't even think about looking at a computer monitor.

Looking Ahead: Week Seventeen

Strike up the band, we're headed into the final regular season of Tecmo Bowl. Seventeen weeks ago, we were advised to avoid this nonsense for another year. Instead, we forged through to another successful season of broken bones and, after this week, broken hearts. The AFC has their three kings on their thrones, though the wild card has five teams all jammed in the neck of the bottle jockeying for position. The NFC, meanwhile, has seven teams fighting for six spots, though the positioning of those six is anyone's guess. They say when there's no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth. Let's hope Browning Nagle stays buried when the seeds are finally locked up in the hell of the NFL postseason.

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AFC East
Not only has Miami cinched up an AFC East title, they also sealed the deal on home field throughout the playoffs with last week's win. Meanwhile, it's been six weeks since the Bills lost a game, a surge good enough to give them a wild card berth. For the Jets, however, those past six games haven't been kind, as they went from a divisional contender to the AFC runt fighting to suckle at the teat of destiny.


New York either clinches a wild card with a win, or is eliminated with a loss. While their tie game against the Dolphins seemed certain to cloud things at the end, it now serves as a final ultimatum to Gang Green.

AFC Central
While the rest of their division played patty-cake all season, the Houston Oilers once again bubbled to the top to lay claim to the AFC Central. It wasn't always pretty, but then again with Warren Moon in charge it's not always about the looks. Cincinnati fell from grace after a promising 3-0 start to begin their campaign at a second straight postseason before going 3-9 the final 12 games. That leaves Pittsburgh and Cleveland, two old, ironclad AFC bastards still kicking out the vitals.

Playing each other with identical records, Cleveland and Pittsburgh are either in with wins, or their loss to the other means they're looking for a New York and Los Angeles loss to stay alive.

AFC West
San Diego wrapped up the West just in time to self-destruct over their last four games, losing twice to their divisional foes in Los Angeles along with a mind-rattling loss to lowly Phoenix. In line for a first-week bye, the Chargers will now need to cross their fingers for a Houston loss or a better differential. Though the rest of the AFC West resembled a graveyard this season, the Raiders have used their two late-season defeats of San Diego to get back in a competitive stance in Week 17.

Los Angeles can suit up with a win along with help from New Orleans against New York and a better differential against the loser of Cleveland/Pittsburgh.



NFC East
The Eagles were our preseason pick to take the division, and they're in good shape with a game against the floundering Giants on the schedule. However, though Philadelphia was the sexy pick, Dallas was our tight-lipped choice for the Tecmo Bowl, though their route is a bit trickier against another playoff contender in Chicago. Washington can't repeat after their Monday night loss, perhaps giving them that all-too-useless title of best team to miss out on the party.

Philadelphia is already in, and can win it all with another victory. Dallas is in the party with a win, and can take the division should Philadelphia falter.

NFC Central
Minnesota isn't the same team we saw in the Conference Championship last year, though they have an unbelievable chance to repeat with a very palatable point differential against Chicago should they both finish the way they've ran all season, neck and neck. The Vikings also win the match-up draw, getting the last-place Packers against the Bears' opponent in Dallas to conclude the season. It's really Minnesota's division to hand over, though Rich Gannon is the last person we'd trust with a silver platter.

It's pretty basic between Minnesota and Chicago, though the Vikings obviously own the tiebreaker. Either way, they're both in with a win or a San Francisco loss.

NFC West
The NFC West was a wild cluster all season long. San Francisco has found themselves on the wrong end of some distance, however, as a result of their 1-4 record over the last 5 games. They're the odd man out in the wild card race, having already been eliminated from a division that Atlanta seems to finally have a chokehold on.

Atlanta is in, and can take the division with a win. New Orleans is in with a victory, and can take the division with their sizable point differential should Atlanta lose. San Francisco needs the most help, with a win and a loss from any of the contending teams ahead of them to attempt to break a tie.


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Our featured games have seen their final days, though that doesn't mean we won't have a prying eye on some of the more curious contests this week. Though there are four spots locked up in the AFC West, there's still a lot to play for in terms of bye weeks and the final two wild cards. The NFC has three divisions with two teams each still battling for the right to having future thrift-store t-shirts printed, along with seeds 4-6 still up for grabs. Here be your list of pivotal games with additional content in Week 17:

New Orleans (10-5) at New York Jets (7-7-1)
Pittsburgh (8-7) at Cleveland (8-7)
Dallas (10-5) at Chicago (8-5)

And for the Denver fan in us all, we went back in time to visit John Elway and let him know the final results of his 1992 season. We'd share his reaction, but felt this photo really told the whole story.

 

See you on Sunday!

Week Seventeen: New Year, Old Business

It's the last week of the year, but you can believe there'll be no benchings of Montanas or Moons as there's still plenty to play for. The only team that's locked up home field is Minnesota, and there are currently only three division champions. The standard Tecmo tiebreaker of using point differentials will make doing math on a Tuesday about 8 years removed from any statistics class that much easier. With that in mind, teams like Washington, Philadelphia, Los Angeles and Denver hold long shots at winning the division, but will need help from other teams and, in some instances, each other. Enough dilly-dallying, it's time to get down to what we've all really been waiting for these last few months, and that's Timm Rosenbach's final game.

1:00 Games

New York Jets (5-10) at Miami (10-5)

Miami wins the game to clinch a 4th seed in the playoffs, but they do so at the cost of Mark Clayton's fibula. Tony Paige took charge on the receiving end with 113 yards during another routine day for Dan Marino, while Ken O.Brien's 107 yards and 2 picks will make sure his routine next year includes retrieving shopping carts at the Whole Foods market.

Final Score: Dolphins 31, Jets 10

Pittsburgh (5-10) at Cleveland (6-9)

The Browns crawl into a last place tie with the Steelers in the AFC Central behind 3 interceptions from QB Browns. In a day filled with anticipation and excitement for other contests around the leauge, Merrill Hoge's stellar 145 yards rushing on 9 attempts is lost in the shuffle. While this may have led to the bitter, self-righteous man he'd come to be known as, for now he's still just "that one white guy in Pittsburgh who's not a lineman".

Final Score: Steelers 27, Browns 14

San Diego (9-6) at Denver (8-7)

The Broncos took the first game between these two in Week 4, and with another win here they continue stirring the pot of inedible stew that is the AFC West.  San Diego struck early with a B.J. Tolliver pass to a wide open Anthony Miller on the second play of the game, but from then on it was all a Denver rodeo, with Tolliver playing the clown that gets his ass dropped by Karl Mecklenburg. Tolliver ended with 2 picks, and a fumble recovery near the Denver goal line from Tyrone Braxton sealed the deal. John Elway mostly toyed with the San Diego defense, lofting up three or nineteen flea flickers, including a huge bomb right after halftime to Vance Johnson that put the Broncos up 14-10. 

The Broncos' win is only desired by Denver, as now Cincinnati is in a must-win situation against New England. Meanwhile, the bumbling Bolts need to pray to their god, Dan Fouts, for a Bengals loss to hope for a chance. The Los Angeles Raiders fall out of the race without even playing yet, and Seattle, whose grip on the division was about as tight as Derrick Fenner's butt, is now in jeopardy of letting it slip by should they lose to the Rams.

Final Score: Broncos 28, Chargers 10

Minnesota (12-3) at Green Bay (8-6-1)

In the position to knock the Packers out of playoff contention, the Vikings played all their starters, much to the worriment of nobody in Green Bay's front office. The tables turned in the Acme Packaging Company's favor when Herschel Walker went out in the second quarter with an injury and unresolved feelings of guilt. Wade Wilson tried his best Walker imitation with a rushing touchdown before the half, but being down 21-7 in the Don Majkowski Majik Show was just too big of a hurdle to climb. The men in purple closed the gap to 3 points in the fourth quarter with a Wilson-to-Steve Jordan 50-yard hookup, but a failed onside kick followed by a Majkowski-to-Perry Kemp connection for a touchdown sealed the deal on a disappointing day for the Vikings and Fuad Reveiz, who missed two field goals that would have given them the lead late in the game.

The Vikings still own home field, which will give Walker an extra week to rest, but they limp in after losing three of their last four. Green Bay claims a spot in the playoff party with the win, and could be the most dangerous with their offensive weapons and their 2-to-1 blonde mullet ratio.

Final Score: Packers 31, Vikings 21

New England (3-12) at Cincinnati (8-7)

Forced into a must-win with the Broncos' very probable beatdown of San Diego, the Bengals gladly welcomed the put-out Patriots to town. Cincinnati has been dangerous at home all year, but never so much as now behind a very determined offense that has racked up 3 wins in a row to take them from obscurity to possible playoff bracket-buster. James Brooks showed why he is one of the more underrated backs in Tecmo with a 50 yard dash to paydirt in the opening quarter. Another weapon that has emerged for Cincinnati, Tim McGee, caught two Boomer passes for touchdowns and another to put them in scoring position. The Patriots made it a game at the start with a nice drive led by Steve Grogan and John Stephens, but those two together couldn't out-do the Irving Fryar "last year of my contract" blues, as he dropped two sure-touchdowns for New England.

While nobody doubted that they could beat New England at home, the Bengals have been known to drop should-wins before to assure a spot in the playoffs for an irrelevant AFC West team. Not so this time around, as they boot San Diego from the postseason, and follow it up with some penis drawings on B.J. Tolliver's passed-out face.

Final Score: Bengals 31, Patriots 13

Seattle (9-6) at Los Angeles Rams (9-6)

While this was never really an important game for Seattle (a loss still assured them of a playoff spot and potential division title), nobody thought they'd play the foil the way they did here. It was a Tecmo game that made me wonder if I had channeled a Week One MAN/COM game in another dimension, as the Rams demolished the Seahawks with every weapon they had. Seattle has never been known for consistent play, but no one could predict the way their usually stout defense gave up two touchdowns each to Curt Warner and Henry Ellard. To the Rams' credit, their defense did highlight the Seahawks' deficiencies well with a safety and sack-fumble for a touchdown by Vince Newsome.

The Seahawks didn't play like a playoff-bound team here, and their first-round opponent may be watching this game tape with as much fervor as they watch all their films played in dimly-lit rooms. The Rams knew they'd need lots of points for a shot at the division, and they get the job done here. They're assured of at least a spot, while also butting the Bears and loser of the Washington/Philadelphia game out of the playoffs. Seattle loses out on a nearly-certain division title to Denver with this uninspiring blow-out.

Final Score: Rams 47, Seahawks 3

Indianapolis (5-10) at Tampa Bay (6-9)

It was a battle of teams that have showed glimpses of real possibility, but a clear inability to pay off Japanese programmers in the ways of Seattle or Chicago. Albert Bentley was hot with 100 yards rushing, while Reggie Cobb wasn't far behind with 7 rushes for 90 yards. Jeff George out-threw his opponent Vinny Testaverde in picks, 3 to 2, but also threw 200 more yards to cover up his stinkiness, much like Rohn Stark would do with the Oust in the bathroom later that night.

Final Score: Colts 28, Buccaneers 20

Los Angeles Raiders (7-8) at Kansas City (6-9)

No longer playing for their postseason lives, the Raiders still couldn't be outplayed by a horribly disappointing Chiefs squad. The two teams combined for 219 passing yards, while the Oakland Raiders' leading rusher on a team with Bo and Marucs was quarterback Jay Schroeder with 34 yards on 1 attempt. Hopefully nobody told him to stop running and he'll meet up with obscurity sooner rather than later.

Final Score: Raiders 24, Chiefs 20

Houston (12-3) at New York Giants (10-5)

It was an important game for both teams' playoff positioning, with the Oilers taking over on a late touchdown to seal the Number 1 seed in the AFC and delaying New York's clinching of the NFC East. The Giants lost David Meggett in the fray, and couldn't make up his loss on the ground with 122 yards on a whopping 22 attempts. New York will watch the rest of the day's games to see where they wind up, knowing that a big win by Washington or Philadelphia may mean Phil Simms having to cancel his appearance on 'The Flo' infomercial during week one of the playoffs.

Final score: Oilers 21, Giants 14

Philadelphia (9-6) at Washington (9-6)

The Eagles jumped into an improbable second-place tie with Washington to set up a pivotal match-up in the final week of the season. They won the first meeting in Week 5, but that was at home in a much less pressurized situation. They visited the nation's capitol for a shot at a wild card berth, but ended up playing the springboard for Washington in their quest to steal the division from the Giants. By halftime, it was already 23-3 behind a very effective Mark Rypien and Earnest Byner. Philadelphia had multiple chances to score, but Washington showed why they're the number two ranked defense with multiple sacks of QB Eagles in the end zone, a blocked field goal and a safety.

The Redskins do double-duty in their division by Markus Koch-ing the Eagles out of the playoffs and taking advantage of Tecmo's simple points-differential tiebreaker to take the division away from New York. A loss by San Francisco will also give them a real shot of a first-week bye, something that seemed very far off even after a huge win in New York last week to put them here in the first place. It's already shaping up to be a competitive postseason in the NFC, and with Mark Rypien involved corners everywhere are stocking up on double-sided tape.

Final Score: Redskins 37, Eagles 6

4:00 Games

Phoenix (2-13) at New Orleans (7-8)

The Cardinals win their second in a row and third out of the last 16 with a late surprise touchdown to keep the Saints from achieving a rare .500 season. Timm Rosenbach was his famously inefficient self with just above 50% completion rate and only 127 yards, but Phoenix took advantage of a rare off-day from Steve Walsh to pin it in. Of course, fans in the desert are decrying the Cardinals' inability to even be the worst team in the NFL this year.

Final Score: Cardinals 24, Saints 21

Dallas (6-9) at Atlanta (5-10)

The Falcons claim their sixth victory here over a very dispossessed Cowboys team. Chris Miller, one of the more accurate passers in the game, was only 50%, but his inability to match Troy Aikman in interceptions kept them in the win column. Also, Atlanta's ability to have a star wide receiver in Andre Rison lead the team in receiving yards rather than a back-up running back in Tommie Agee was sure to have helped their cause.

Final Score: Falcons 20, Cowboys 14

Buffalo (11-3-1) at Detroit (4-11)

The Bills lost out on their chance for a number one seed with the Oilers' win, but still took care of business in Detroit. QB Bills had 184 yards passing, while Thurman Thomas had a robust 88 yards on 8 rushes. After they were taken out two minutes into the first quarter, they let Detroit beat themselves to assure their standing as one of the teams coached by Wayne Fontes.

Final Score: Bills 35, Lions 24

Chicago (8-7) at San Francisco (10-5)

The Bears apparently enjoy the taste of ten crates of champagne over a playoff berth, since they rocked the 49ers on the road despite being knocked out of the playoffs earlier by San Francisco's division-foes in the Rams. Fan-favorite Brad Muster was the first to enjoy it when he went out with an undisclosed injury in the 1st quarter, but the Bears defense held up to keep Tom Rathman at 32 yards rushing and Joe Montana at just 177 yards with an interception. Jim Harbaugh was an uncharacteristic 76% efficient with 251 yards, perhaps knowing that champagne tasted even better filtered through groupies' panties.

Final Score: Bears 34, 49ers 20

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So the final three divisions are clinched, seedings are finalized, and we're all set for the Tecmo Bowl playoffs. To be honest, I almost wish I could just end here, knowing that the excitement and drama we've encountered for the past seventeen weeks being almost too much to contain in these flawed shells we call bodies. Alas, Tecmo is not so forgiving, and we must forge ahead. While not all of our predictions came true, we couldn't be too much happier with how things panned out. Here's to hoping for an equally dramatic and improbable postseason leading up to a Tecmo Bowl game unlike any other in simulated COM-COM Tecmo history!

Looking Ahead: Week Seventeen

Seventeen weeks ago, a journey began. We were different people then, sporting shorts, tank tops and sunburns. Now we're huddled near the fireplace with mugs of hot cocoa, still hungover from the doctored egg nog at Christmas. We've seen teams rise and fall, some stay the course, and others ride up from behind like your outgrown boxer shorts to surprise us all. Sixteen teams are still in it, but when the dust settles only twelve will remain. Let's get to it.


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AFC East
The Bills stormed out from relative mediocrity to quickly snatch up a division championship before the Dolphins had a chance to recover from a three-game skid. With their win last week, however, Miami took their rightful seat in the playoffs and are now just looking for a home game, which they can clinch with another win against New York at home.

Buffalo can clinch a number one seed with a win against the lowly Lions, paired with a Houston loss.




AFC Central
Houston took control of the division many weeks ago, but just when it looked like the rest of the division was going to be quiet, the Cincinnati Bengals marched out of nowhere to rack up three wins in a row and put themselves in a desirable spot for a wild card berth heading into week 17.

Houston can clinch a number one seed with a win in New York against a hot Giants team, but could also take it with a Buffalo loss regardless of what happens.

Cincinnati can clinch a playoff spot with a win against New England at home, or could back in with losses from both Denver and Los Angeles.




AFC West

Seattle has the tiebreaker, so are technically already in the playoffs. The only thing to decide is the division, which they take with a win over the Rams or a San Diego loss in Denver.

San Diego takes it home with a win against Denver paired with a Seattle loss. If the Chargers lose it, they'll need some help from Steve Grogan in Cincinnati.

Denver has to take out San Diego at home, and will also need Seattle to fall big time for a shot at the division.

Los Angeles will have to beat the Chiefs at home, and look for both Cincinnati and Denver to lose to keep Bo Jackson out of training camp.




NFC East

The New York Football Giants were the success story of the division this year, and would have already clinched mathematically if not for Tecmo's 'anything can happen' attitude. Washington and Philadelphia will also fight for a playoff berth in the final week.

New York can take the number two seed with a win against Houston and a San Francisco loss.

Washington can claim a spot by beating Philadelphia or watching a loss from any one of three teams in Los Angeles, Green Bay or Chicago.

Philadelphia has a similar fate.




NFC Central
Minnesota has been the story of the NFC Central, but after claiming the number one seed last week we now turn our attention to the fading playoff hopes of Green Bay and Chicago.

Green Bay is in with a win, and out with a loss. Simple as that.

Chicago is still mathematically in it, but they need to beat San Francisco and hope for losses from Green Bay or Los Angeles to have a shot.




NFC West
It's been a two-team race for the most part between the 49ers and Rams, despite spotty solid play from the Saints and Falcons. The 49ers have this division in the bag after a huge 9-game win streak, but the Rams still have a chance to regain their early-season prime and make some noise in the postseason.

San Francisco could take the number two seed with a defeat of Chicago paired with a Giants loss.

Los Angeles is in simply with a win, but could follow Cleveland Gary in the back door with a loss from either Green Bay or Chicago.


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There isn't a featured game this week, but to reward your loyal patronage of this increasingly pointless blog we're going to do short vignettes of seven of the more meaningful games. And they are (in no particular order):

San Diego (9-6) at Denver (8-7)
Minnesota (12-3) at Green Bay (8-6-1)
New England (3-12) at Cincinnati (8-7)
Seattle (9-6) at L.A. Rams (9-6)
Philadelphia (9-6) at Washington (9-6)
(if necessary) Chicago (8-7) at San Francisco (10-5)

See you at the pre-game ceremonies, which include a return of the ever-popular 'Keg Stand with Joe Namath'!