Wednesday Night Football: Kansas City vs. Seattle

Not long ago, in the division where old AFL teams went to die, there was a rivalry to match any of the old classics. Giants & Dodgers. Tar Heels & Blue Devils. Chiefs & Seahawks. Of course, the rivalry has died down a bit with both teams floundering in mediocrity, but the intensity has never faded. And now, this popular match-up has all-new relevance, with Seattle's former leader betraying them for Kansas City and leaving them predictably for dead. With Dave Krieg's defection, Seattle has been left in scramble mode. They rolled out Stan Gelbaugh for the first game of the season, yet nobody was convinced enough to make him the new face of the franchise. The rest of the quarterback committee is rounded out by Dan McGwire, first round pick out of San Diego State, and Kelly Stouffer, who's only notable NFL achievement thus far is not winning one of its games. Who we'll see tonight is still a mystery, though most fans agree that simply catching a glimpse of Stouffer's godlike locks would be one of the only successes to take away from the Seahawks' 1992 campaign.

Quarter One
Nick Lowery shanks a kick to Chris Warren, and the Seahawks of Seattle will indeed start the game with Mr. Gelbaugh at the helm for his second game of the season. After getting his first incomplete pass out of the way, Gelbaugh hands off to Warren who thrusts forward for 19 yards to the Chiefs' 32-yard line. After an unnecessarily aggressive Chiefs blitz negates one of those yards on the next play, Warren hoofs it around the left side for another 11 yards. Gelbaugh overthrows Ron "Sweet-Sweetback" Heller in the end zone, and then pulls it together to find Tommy Kane for their first of what may be two career touchdown connections.

Seattle leads 7-0

The Chiefs begin their first drive at their own 20-yard line, where Krieg momentarily forgets which logo is now on his helmet when he's picked off by Eugene Robinson.

Gelbaugh keeps up his streak of not having a completion streak this year when his pass to Heller is batted away. John L. Williams gets involved to continue Seattle's rushing success with a 10-yard run, inching them closer to another quick score. Two more plays lead to a 3rd-and-6 situation at the Kansas City 17-yard line, where the Chiefs defense absorbs another Williams run for a loss. Kicker John Kasay continues his impressive rookie campaign with a missed 34-yarder to go with his miffed extra point and field goal from last week. The Chiefs will begin their next drive with the only harm done being to the 'fans' in attendance.

Krieg again misses wildly on his second throw of the game, before connecting with J.J. Birden on second down to burn the Seahawks as this first of four quarters comes to an end.

Quarter Two
Tight end Keith Cash out of Texas makes his first catch in a Chiefs uniform at the Seattle 9-yard line. Krieg can't stretch his success in a pass to J.J. Birden on the next play, so he gives it to Kansas City's version of Larry Bird, Barry Word. Word zigs and zags around the Seattle defense for the last 9 yards to effectively reset this game.

Score tied 7-7

Chris Warren gives his team a workable starting position at the Seattle 21-yard line. After two consecutive runs by Warren net the Seahawks exactly two yards, Gelbaugh once again goes to the air. This time, his pass to Ol' Heller is a success and the birds are back in enemy territory at the 43. Mr. L. Williams gets the squad back on track over the next three plays, including two long runs and a 17-yard reception, before getting crushed under the weight of carrying his entire team along with a Chiefs' blitz. Kane can't deliver on another touchdown celebration, and when Warren comes up 2 yards short of the goal line the Seahawks send Kasay out for a chance at Seattle infamy. Unfortunately, he fails miserably by converting the 21-yard kick and the chickens once again take the lead.

Seattle leads 10-7

The Chiefs begin their drive by running their popular 41-second offense of letting Kimble Anders run around in circles for 25 seconds so that Krieg's successful pass to Willie Davis at the Seattle 17-yard line leaves them with no time to formulate a scoring plot.

Halftime - Seahawks 10, Chiefs 7

Quarter Three
Kansas City continues their drive from the previous half, despite being at the other end of the field. The Seahawks defense comes alive by stuffing Anders and Krieg on two separate plays and not showing the money to Cash with a double team pass block. Jacksonville, Florida's own Bryan Barker is on to punt.

Gelbaugh gets a mouthful of Lonnie Marts on Seattle's first play of the half, losing 13 yards in the process. Neither he nor Warren can make up for this tragedy on the next two plays, and so Perry, Florida's native son Rick Tuten is out to kick the football and make a few thousand dollars while doing so.

As this game reaches a fever pitch, Wordasaurus Rex terrorizes his way for 18 yards. Anders, pride and joy of the University of Houston, continues adding links to the chain of success by converting a short Krieg pass into a long gain out to the Seattle 47-yard line. After Word picks up another 8 to get inside Nick Lowery's playground, Krieg stalls the drive for another chapter after getting picked off for the second time in the game.

The third quarter comes to an end with Louis Clark unable to locate a Gelbaugh pass on his map and the sounds of John L. Williams composing his next score called "The 6-yard Suite".

Quarter Four
The Seahawks' drive quickly heats up in the final quarter of play when Warren takes a Gelbaugh pitch and runs it down the Chiefs' throats for 31 yards. Williams gets in on the fun, tearing it up for 10 of his own yards before gifting it over to Dale Carter.

Kansas City gets to work immediately with Krieg overthrowing Davis and his ass meeting the ground 5 yards behind him with a Cortez Kennedy special. On 3rd-and-15, however, they actually do begin to turn things around with Anders taking the catch in the flat and running for a 20-yard gain. Another Anders catch converts another first down inside Seattle territory. The next two plays see Krieg writing some checks to Keith Cash, totaling 40 yards. The drive is capped with a touchdown pass to Birden, and Seahawks' fans everywhere groan upon finally feeling the anguish only a Krieg Komeback can induce.

Chiefs lead 14-10

Less than a minute remains on the ol' countdown clock. Seattle quickly gets to midfield while only burning 15 seconds, leaving them with enough time to run a few plays and possibly give Gelbaugh the chance to orchestrate a comeback of his own. Unfortunately, the next sequence of events lasts just long enough to eat up the remaining seconds, but Gelbaugh's unorthodox tactics to steal a win shouldn't go unnoticed.

An interception of Gelbaugh at the Chiefs' 11-yard line should all but cement this one for a Chiefs team looking for their first win, but when Bennie Thompson tries to get cute with a runback, he's stripped of the ball by Ronnie Lee. Despite his limitations, Lee makes a valiant effort to try and put a wild 'W' in the record books for Seattle by charging his way back down the field. Unfortunately, he's brought down 14 yards away from his own end zone, the 14 longest yards in Ronnie Lee's natural born life.

Final: Chiefs 14, Seahawks 10

Another AFC West contest is in the books, and by the looks of it you're all worse for the wear. No matter, as it was a game that had to be played, and if you're not in this to watch the bad and ugly with the good then I'd ask you to reconsider your true intentions. Gelbaugh wasn't inept enough to justify giving Kelly Stouffer a reason to hide his holy hair with a helmet, as all his completions were to his own receivers. His last gasp for a comeback was admirable, but it was Dave Krieg and his unimpressive stat line that once again found a way to win the day yet again. The 1992 Chiefs look a lot like the 1991 Seahawks, and not only because they have Krieg manning the ship. If they're able to string a few wins like this one together, we may see them steal Seattle's usual playoff placeholder spot by year's end.

Wild Card Weekend: Saturday Edition

It's time to break out the good beer and serious music: it's Tecmo playoff season. We didn't really know what to expect when we started this other than what was expected, and now it's finally time to forge the road that Buffalo and San Francisco will eventually take to the playoffs. Today we'll begin with a couple of 3-6 match-ups between teams that have all seen each other before. Seattle and Denver had two divisional match-ups in which they split, but Denver won the division so I guess blah blah blah whatever. Green Bay and the Rams had an altercation in Week 5 in which the Rams blew the Packers out behind a big game from Jim Everett, but Don Majkowski has a history of turning it up in the playoffs--and by that, of course, we mean high school, as this will be his first NFL playoff game.

6 Green Bay Packers (9-6-1) at 3 Los Angeles Rams (10-6)

And Faison applauds perhaps a bit disingenuously

Quarter One
Willie Anderson returns to the fray after a few weeks out. Derrick Faison, a late-season hero for the Rams, sits on the sidelines with a ball cap on. We're already thinking things don't bode well for the Rams, until Buford McGee returns the kickoff all the way to the Green Bay 30-yard line. This makes him the first Buford to ever return a kick in NFL playoff history, as well as the first man named Buford since the Civil War. On the first play from scrimmage, Anderson is welcomed back with a 30-yard toss from Jim Everett that's good for a Rams touchdown.

Los Angeles leads 7-0

Down early, Green Bay doesn't panic and instead goes the slow route with a few Sterling Sharpe reverse plays mixed in with some short dink-and-dunk passes. After the ninth Sharpe reverse somehow fools the Rams defense and goes for 35 yards, Keith Woodside chugs it in from 6 yards out to tie the game.

Score tied 7-7

Quarter Two
The Rams are forced to start behind the 50-yard line, which means they have to break out an actual playbook for this drive. They follow Cleveland Gary and Curt Warner downhill as they cut through the Green Bay defense like the hunk of cheddar they are, and in just under two minutes into the quarter Cleveland Gary's racing 22 yards to paydirt.

Los Angeles leads 14-7

The Sharpe reverse is blasted in two consecutive plays, and so the Packers bring out Don Majkowski for the first time this quarter to run a few plays. But on 3rd and 24, Don is running instead of throwing and the rabbit continues napping inside the hat as the Packers are forced to punt.

Everett, who's having a quietly perfect day, converts a perfect throwing drive into a perfect 30-yard catch and run from Mr. Perfect look-alike, Curt Warner. Oh wait, maybe that's Kurt Warner. Google images doesn't differentiate, so why should I?

Los Angeles leads 21-7

I think the wrong guy is jumping here

Green Bay faces a deep hole just before halftime, and for the first time in a while that doesn't refer to Anthony Dilweg. They play patient football, and after another long Sharpe reverse to the Rams' 26-yard line, Majkowski and Sharpe go to much more familiar territory with a 26-yard pass, leaving just 26 seconds on the clock. Somehow we just know this is going to turn into a Jim Carrey reference.

Los Angeles leads 21-14

With Green Bay appearing to come alive and getting the ball after the break, the Rams will have a lot to talk about in the locker room after all the hookers leave.

Halftime - Rams 21, Packers 14

And best Men's Swimsuit Edition cover ever

Quarter Three
When Sharpe converts a 3rd-and-1 situation at the Rams' 18-yard line with a 3-yard reverse, you can just feel a momentum shift akin to when Tony Mandarich jumps. Sharpe does a relatively larger amount of damage on the next play when he drags in a 15-yard touchdown pass from Majkowski to pull Green Bay even with plenty of game to go.

Score tied 21-21

After two straight Packer blitzes, the Rams suddenly face 3rd-and-29 and their first potential non-scoring drive of the game. That doesn't remove their cocky-factor, however, when they simply hand it off to Warner up the middle. He only gains 3, the Rams are punting, and somewhere the modesty gods are chuckling.

The quarter ends with the Packers driving, capping off with a trademark 15-yard run from Majkowski to push them deep into Los Angeles territory.

Quarter Four
The final chapter in this first wild card game of The Tecmo Bowl season begins with Green Bay taking their first lead of the game on a 25-yard lob to Sharpe for his third touchdown of the day.

Green Bay leads 28-21

Somewhere out from the pixellated blob
emerges Jerry Holmes

Inspired by their offense, the Packers draw up another blitz and, unaware of what to do, Warner decides to fumble the ball over to pride of Hempstead High School, Johnny Holland. Despite the cries coming from the sideline to drop to the field, Holland selfishly and vaingloriously trucks it 32 yards for a touchdown to show why Texans are the worst.

Green Bay leads 35-21

With their fortunes flipped in just a matter of one and a half minutes, the Rams begin marching down the field, taking off quite a bit of time, but now they're in the red zone and it'll all be worth it if Gary can just keep running toward the--well, there goes that.

Green Bay takes over on the fumble, but are forced into a three-and-out by the Rams defense when they shrug off their effective Sharpe reverse play for the first time in three consecutive plays.

With 9 seconds to go, Ellard buys some time by faking an injury after the kick return. Derrick Faison makes his triumphant return to the field, looking for some late-game magic, but when the pass goes to Warner instead the official scorers decide not to give the Rams the 15 style points they could have used to eke this one out.

Final Score: Packers 35, Rams 21

And a rare playoff appearance by the Rams shows just why they shouldn't be there to belong with. After an explosive start, they ended up beating themselves with cocky prima donna attitudes while Green Bay played the patient cat-and-mouse game to advance. While we have to give Los Angeles credit for pulling the rug out from beneath the 49ers and taking the division this year, we somehow knew that Green Bay would win by playing the grittier, smash-mouth kind of football that Tecmo is known for, despite what flashy YouTube videos or time-wasting blog posts may tell you. The Packers meet divisional rivals Minnesota for NFC Central bragging rights.

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6 Seattle Seahawks (9-7) at 3 Denver Broncos (9-7)

Quarter One
Denver begins their history-making march toward Tecmo Bowl glory with a John Elway interception on first down.

Nice cross-body throw, jackass

The Seahawks play the ball-control game, despite the popular game plan of keeping the ball in Elway's uncertain hands, running Derrick Fenner up the gut and completing short passes up the middle. After about 16 carries and 4 minutes tick off the clock, Fenner gets his first Tecmo playoff touchdown since that one weird Tuesday afternoon about sixteen years ago.

Seattle leads 7-0

Denver drives their horseshit carriage down into the Seattle red zone behind the non-Rams cornerback Bobby Humphrey, but Elway's teeth get in the way again and he lobs up another pick at the Seattle 6-yard line.

Quarter Two
Seattle sandwiches a long 50-yard pass to Brian Blades between hard-nose running from Derrick Fenner and John L. Williams, and before it turns into a party sub they finally get the touchdown behind an 8-yard classical score-accompanied run by Williams.

Seattle leads 14-0

Who knew the Murphy Brown painter was also a medic?

Big weapon and favorite Elway target Vance Johnson goes out after a decent return, kick-starting an inspired drive from Denver. Humphrey carves the number 6-ranked defense Seahawks defense like sushi as he roars down the field, capping it off with a 15-yard run for the score. On a team filled with jack-asses, Humphrey is one bright stallion.

Seattle leads 14-7

The Seahawks get the ball back with just enough time to get All-Pro kicker and Leave it to Beaver dad, Norm Johnson, on the field. This prospect is made possible after a huge 64-yard grab from Blades, and Johnson punches it in from 33 yards out.

Seattle leads 17-7

Halftime - Seahawks 17, Broncos 7

Quarter Three
Needing a three-and-out to get the ball back, the number 1-ranked defense shows its fury and forces GQ cover model Dave Krieg off the field, although giving the ball back to John Elway isn't always the best decision in a wild card game.

Ricky, you forgot your game ball

Just like in their Week 3 Monday Night battle, Sammy Winder gets the call when Steve Sewell goes out, hopefully generating a spark in the silent Denver offense. He carries the ball into the Seattle red zone, where Denver meets much better fortunes than last time when Elway finds Vance Johnson replacement, Ricky Nattiel, for his first playoff touchdown in Tecmo history.

Seattle leads 17-14

With their division champions marching back, Seattle knows they need to kick up their play to Space Needle levels. However, in just two plays, they're facing a 3rd and 9 situation. Krieg dumps it off to the dependable Ron Heller, a man who's been here before, but the play comes up just a yard short and the Broncos will be getting the ball back with a chance to take the lead.

The second largest construct in Seattle

Quarter Four
The indomitable monster that is the Seattle defense wakes up, crushing Winder and Elway on two separate plays to force a 3rd-and-19 situation. Elway sees the open field ahead of him and draws up the run, but once again makes the mistake of being the first person in history to not see Cortez Kennedy. Denver punts.

With just under four minutes left, Seattle goes with a few Fenner runs to drain out the clock. Unfortunately, this game planning only gets them to their own 45-yard line at the two minute warning, and the Denver defense will give their team another chance for a late drive to pull ahead.

Elway and his Broncos aren't making any friends on the other side of the ball when they put themselves quickly into a 3rd and 17. Tony Woods gets his national exposure on a sack of Elway to force 4th down, but the Broncos are saddling up. Unfortunately for them, Woods' works at a glue factory in the offseason.

Seattle takes over on downs at the Denver 18-yard line, but 3 incomplete Krieg passes keep them out of the end zone. They go for the sure 3 points from Norm Johnson, but now take just a shaky 6-point lead over the Broncos with still a minute to go for some Elway postseason magic. So far, they've only just seen amateur birthday party clown Elway.

We've already sold this screen to NFL films

Seattle leads 20-17

The Broncos start at their own 47-yard line with just 23 seconds to go. Needing a touchdown, Elway goes for broke with a flea-flicker to Nattiel that gets them to the Seattle 20-yard line. To set the scene, the Broncos call their play with just one second remaining and the season on the line. And here, the game ends in storybook fashion. We should mention that this is a Seattle storybook, and Nesby Glasgow is the Prince whereas Elway is the sharp-fanged dragon.

Final Score: Seahawks 20, Broncos 17


The Seahawks are the second 6-seed to advance today, but the more probable 6-seed to continue as their defense wins this one. With three picks of Elway and championing the time management factor of the the game, Seattle wins smart, not hard, and will now meet the Oilers next round. Although the Cinderella season continues for the Seahawks, the Moon is rising in Houston, and a good defense against Denver is wildly different than a good defense against this season's most prolific offense. In either case, Seattle didn't go home with the trophy but show that they should have taken the division with a decisive tiebreaking victory over Denver. But as a consolation trophy, the Broncos will get to go home to some frost-brewed Coors Light, of which you'll most likely find the players still buried beneath about two months from now.

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Don't forget, tomorrow we'll wind up wild card weekend with Cincinnati in Miami and the Giants taking on the 49ers. It'll be the first time men in blue will be seen in San Francisco since last weekend's parade!

Week Seventeen: New Year, Old Business

It's the last week of the year, but you can believe there'll be no benchings of Montanas or Moons as there's still plenty to play for. The only team that's locked up home field is Minnesota, and there are currently only three division champions. The standard Tecmo tiebreaker of using point differentials will make doing math on a Tuesday about 8 years removed from any statistics class that much easier. With that in mind, teams like Washington, Philadelphia, Los Angeles and Denver hold long shots at winning the division, but will need help from other teams and, in some instances, each other. Enough dilly-dallying, it's time to get down to what we've all really been waiting for these last few months, and that's Timm Rosenbach's final game.

1:00 Games

New York Jets (5-10) at Miami (10-5)

Miami wins the game to clinch a 4th seed in the playoffs, but they do so at the cost of Mark Clayton's fibula. Tony Paige took charge on the receiving end with 113 yards during another routine day for Dan Marino, while Ken O.Brien's 107 yards and 2 picks will make sure his routine next year includes retrieving shopping carts at the Whole Foods market.

Final Score: Dolphins 31, Jets 10

Pittsburgh (5-10) at Cleveland (6-9)

The Browns crawl into a last place tie with the Steelers in the AFC Central behind 3 interceptions from QB Browns. In a day filled with anticipation and excitement for other contests around the leauge, Merrill Hoge's stellar 145 yards rushing on 9 attempts is lost in the shuffle. While this may have led to the bitter, self-righteous man he'd come to be known as, for now he's still just "that one white guy in Pittsburgh who's not a lineman".

Final Score: Steelers 27, Browns 14

San Diego (9-6) at Denver (8-7)

The Broncos took the first game between these two in Week 4, and with another win here they continue stirring the pot of inedible stew that is the AFC West.  San Diego struck early with a B.J. Tolliver pass to a wide open Anthony Miller on the second play of the game, but from then on it was all a Denver rodeo, with Tolliver playing the clown that gets his ass dropped by Karl Mecklenburg. Tolliver ended with 2 picks, and a fumble recovery near the Denver goal line from Tyrone Braxton sealed the deal. John Elway mostly toyed with the San Diego defense, lofting up three or nineteen flea flickers, including a huge bomb right after halftime to Vance Johnson that put the Broncos up 14-10. 

The Broncos' win is only desired by Denver, as now Cincinnati is in a must-win situation against New England. Meanwhile, the bumbling Bolts need to pray to their god, Dan Fouts, for a Bengals loss to hope for a chance. The Los Angeles Raiders fall out of the race without even playing yet, and Seattle, whose grip on the division was about as tight as Derrick Fenner's butt, is now in jeopardy of letting it slip by should they lose to the Rams.

Final Score: Broncos 28, Chargers 10

Minnesota (12-3) at Green Bay (8-6-1)

In the position to knock the Packers out of playoff contention, the Vikings played all their starters, much to the worriment of nobody in Green Bay's front office. The tables turned in the Acme Packaging Company's favor when Herschel Walker went out in the second quarter with an injury and unresolved feelings of guilt. Wade Wilson tried his best Walker imitation with a rushing touchdown before the half, but being down 21-7 in the Don Majkowski Majik Show was just too big of a hurdle to climb. The men in purple closed the gap to 3 points in the fourth quarter with a Wilson-to-Steve Jordan 50-yard hookup, but a failed onside kick followed by a Majkowski-to-Perry Kemp connection for a touchdown sealed the deal on a disappointing day for the Vikings and Fuad Reveiz, who missed two field goals that would have given them the lead late in the game.

The Vikings still own home field, which will give Walker an extra week to rest, but they limp in after losing three of their last four. Green Bay claims a spot in the playoff party with the win, and could be the most dangerous with their offensive weapons and their 2-to-1 blonde mullet ratio.

Final Score: Packers 31, Vikings 21

New England (3-12) at Cincinnati (8-7)

Forced into a must-win with the Broncos' very probable beatdown of San Diego, the Bengals gladly welcomed the put-out Patriots to town. Cincinnati has been dangerous at home all year, but never so much as now behind a very determined offense that has racked up 3 wins in a row to take them from obscurity to possible playoff bracket-buster. James Brooks showed why he is one of the more underrated backs in Tecmo with a 50 yard dash to paydirt in the opening quarter. Another weapon that has emerged for Cincinnati, Tim McGee, caught two Boomer passes for touchdowns and another to put them in scoring position. The Patriots made it a game at the start with a nice drive led by Steve Grogan and John Stephens, but those two together couldn't out-do the Irving Fryar "last year of my contract" blues, as he dropped two sure-touchdowns for New England.

While nobody doubted that they could beat New England at home, the Bengals have been known to drop should-wins before to assure a spot in the playoffs for an irrelevant AFC West team. Not so this time around, as they boot San Diego from the postseason, and follow it up with some penis drawings on B.J. Tolliver's passed-out face.

Final Score: Bengals 31, Patriots 13

Seattle (9-6) at Los Angeles Rams (9-6)

While this was never really an important game for Seattle (a loss still assured them of a playoff spot and potential division title), nobody thought they'd play the foil the way they did here. It was a Tecmo game that made me wonder if I had channeled a Week One MAN/COM game in another dimension, as the Rams demolished the Seahawks with every weapon they had. Seattle has never been known for consistent play, but no one could predict the way their usually stout defense gave up two touchdowns each to Curt Warner and Henry Ellard. To the Rams' credit, their defense did highlight the Seahawks' deficiencies well with a safety and sack-fumble for a touchdown by Vince Newsome.

The Seahawks didn't play like a playoff-bound team here, and their first-round opponent may be watching this game tape with as much fervor as they watch all their films played in dimly-lit rooms. The Rams knew they'd need lots of points for a shot at the division, and they get the job done here. They're assured of at least a spot, while also butting the Bears and loser of the Washington/Philadelphia game out of the playoffs. Seattle loses out on a nearly-certain division title to Denver with this uninspiring blow-out.

Final Score: Rams 47, Seahawks 3

Indianapolis (5-10) at Tampa Bay (6-9)

It was a battle of teams that have showed glimpses of real possibility, but a clear inability to pay off Japanese programmers in the ways of Seattle or Chicago. Albert Bentley was hot with 100 yards rushing, while Reggie Cobb wasn't far behind with 7 rushes for 90 yards. Jeff George out-threw his opponent Vinny Testaverde in picks, 3 to 2, but also threw 200 more yards to cover up his stinkiness, much like Rohn Stark would do with the Oust in the bathroom later that night.

Final Score: Colts 28, Buccaneers 20

Los Angeles Raiders (7-8) at Kansas City (6-9)

No longer playing for their postseason lives, the Raiders still couldn't be outplayed by a horribly disappointing Chiefs squad. The two teams combined for 219 passing yards, while the Oakland Raiders' leading rusher on a team with Bo and Marucs was quarterback Jay Schroeder with 34 yards on 1 attempt. Hopefully nobody told him to stop running and he'll meet up with obscurity sooner rather than later.

Final Score: Raiders 24, Chiefs 20

Houston (12-3) at New York Giants (10-5)

It was an important game for both teams' playoff positioning, with the Oilers taking over on a late touchdown to seal the Number 1 seed in the AFC and delaying New York's clinching of the NFC East. The Giants lost David Meggett in the fray, and couldn't make up his loss on the ground with 122 yards on a whopping 22 attempts. New York will watch the rest of the day's games to see where they wind up, knowing that a big win by Washington or Philadelphia may mean Phil Simms having to cancel his appearance on 'The Flo' infomercial during week one of the playoffs.

Final score: Oilers 21, Giants 14

Philadelphia (9-6) at Washington (9-6)

The Eagles jumped into an improbable second-place tie with Washington to set up a pivotal match-up in the final week of the season. They won the first meeting in Week 5, but that was at home in a much less pressurized situation. They visited the nation's capitol for a shot at a wild card berth, but ended up playing the springboard for Washington in their quest to steal the division from the Giants. By halftime, it was already 23-3 behind a very effective Mark Rypien and Earnest Byner. Philadelphia had multiple chances to score, but Washington showed why they're the number two ranked defense with multiple sacks of QB Eagles in the end zone, a blocked field goal and a safety.

The Redskins do double-duty in their division by Markus Koch-ing the Eagles out of the playoffs and taking advantage of Tecmo's simple points-differential tiebreaker to take the division away from New York. A loss by San Francisco will also give them a real shot of a first-week bye, something that seemed very far off even after a huge win in New York last week to put them here in the first place. It's already shaping up to be a competitive postseason in the NFC, and with Mark Rypien involved corners everywhere are stocking up on double-sided tape.

Final Score: Redskins 37, Eagles 6

4:00 Games

Phoenix (2-13) at New Orleans (7-8)

The Cardinals win their second in a row and third out of the last 16 with a late surprise touchdown to keep the Saints from achieving a rare .500 season. Timm Rosenbach was his famously inefficient self with just above 50% completion rate and only 127 yards, but Phoenix took advantage of a rare off-day from Steve Walsh to pin it in. Of course, fans in the desert are decrying the Cardinals' inability to even be the worst team in the NFL this year.

Final Score: Cardinals 24, Saints 21

Dallas (6-9) at Atlanta (5-10)

The Falcons claim their sixth victory here over a very dispossessed Cowboys team. Chris Miller, one of the more accurate passers in the game, was only 50%, but his inability to match Troy Aikman in interceptions kept them in the win column. Also, Atlanta's ability to have a star wide receiver in Andre Rison lead the team in receiving yards rather than a back-up running back in Tommie Agee was sure to have helped their cause.

Final Score: Falcons 20, Cowboys 14

Buffalo (11-3-1) at Detroit (4-11)

The Bills lost out on their chance for a number one seed with the Oilers' win, but still took care of business in Detroit. QB Bills had 184 yards passing, while Thurman Thomas had a robust 88 yards on 8 rushes. After they were taken out two minutes into the first quarter, they let Detroit beat themselves to assure their standing as one of the teams coached by Wayne Fontes.

Final Score: Bills 35, Lions 24

Chicago (8-7) at San Francisco (10-5)

The Bears apparently enjoy the taste of ten crates of champagne over a playoff berth, since they rocked the 49ers on the road despite being knocked out of the playoffs earlier by San Francisco's division-foes in the Rams. Fan-favorite Brad Muster was the first to enjoy it when he went out with an undisclosed injury in the 1st quarter, but the Bears defense held up to keep Tom Rathman at 32 yards rushing and Joe Montana at just 177 yards with an interception. Jim Harbaugh was an uncharacteristic 76% efficient with 251 yards, perhaps knowing that champagne tasted even better filtered through groupies' panties.

Final Score: Bears 34, 49ers 20

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So the final three divisions are clinched, seedings are finalized, and we're all set for the Tecmo Bowl playoffs. To be honest, I almost wish I could just end here, knowing that the excitement and drama we've encountered for the past seventeen weeks being almost too much to contain in these flawed shells we call bodies. Alas, Tecmo is not so forgiving, and we must forge ahead. While not all of our predictions came true, we couldn't be too much happier with how things panned out. Here's to hoping for an equally dramatic and improbable postseason leading up to a Tecmo Bowl game unlike any other in simulated COM-COM Tecmo history!

Football Night in America: Denver vs. Seattle

Many battles have been won or lost due to this very screen

Earlier today saw the fall of Kansas City to 2-1, and the surprising Chargers of San Diego remain undefeated. To keep pace atop the division, Seattle will need their defense to keep a watchful eye on John Elway and his knack for the big play. The Seahawks are at home, putting Dave Krieg at a disadvantage for when the inevitable booing commences, but if he can somehow keep the Seahawks in the game long enough for his defense to score a few times, then he may be able to avoid the snarky comments until he gets into bed with his wife tonight. It's a beautiful night for Sunday Night Football in Seattle, with the forecast not calling for rain for the next seven minutes.


Quarter One
Seattle wins the toss, and a Chris Warren dash out to the Seattle 45-yard-line puts the Seahawks in prime punting position to start the game. Dave Krieg marches out to a chorus of pre-teen girls shrieking and lifting their shirts, and he appeases them all on second down when he completes a pass to Brian Blades for a 50 yard gain. Krieg lifts his own jersey to reveal 'Kelly Stouffer Rocks Dick' tattooed on his chiseled abs. John L. Williams, emphasis on the 'L', carries the ball for 8 yards, and when Krieg overthrows Tommy Kane in the end zone it's 3rd and 2. Williams gets the ball again, but is blitzed, and Stormin' Norm Johnson is out to punch in the first points of the game after an underwhelming finish to the first Seattle drive.

Seattle leads 3-0

Johnson did eventually find the end zone on this play

Vance Johnson helps the Denver cause out with a return to the Broncos' 48-yard line to start the drive. Bobby Humphrey gets the early workload with a run up the middle for 6 yards, and then a long catch-and-run for 32. But it is Johnson himself who gets to wash in the glory after a reverse pitch sadly fools the usually stalwart Seattle defense and Denver takes the lead.

Denver leads 7-3

Warren continues the streak of good field position with a return to the Seattle 46-yard line. Derrick Fenner promptly wipes out 2 of those yards, but redeems himself on the next play with a carry of 13 that is fumbled out of bounds for a confusing first down. When he loses two yards on the next play, Krieg kicks him out of the huddle and goes to the air on second down. Ron Heller, prized tight end from THE Oregon State and Super Bowl ring possessor with the 49ers, pulls down an 18-yard pass for a first down; however, the promising young season for Heller is cut short as he's carried off the field with a noticeable limp. Krieg, understandably shaken by the loss of his star tight end, scrambles for a yard on the next play, and then throws an incompletion as the quarter comes to a suddenly somber end.

Johnson barely got this one over the moat

Quarter Two
On 3rd and 9, John L. Williams, who nobody has ever confused with a Hollywood composer of the same name, carries the ball for only a meaningless yard. Sure-footed Norm Johnson kicks the 42-yard attempt wide left and the Seahawks are putting their undefeated streak and the chance that someone will survive a Tommy Kane mugging after the game in jeopardy.

Denver takes over at their own 32-yard line, and Mike Horan is on to punt from the 31 after the Broncos net a grand total of -1 yards on the drive.

Ironically, the other John Williams composed a score for
this fumble recovery by the punter

Horan, hero of his 3-on-3 pick-up game last Wednesday afternoon, unleashes his Superman-cape again when he scoops up a Warren fumble. He returns it to the Seattle 19-yard line, and suddenly the Seahawks look as doomed as the three Kryptonians trapped in the Phantom Zone. The Seahawks defense once again stands strong on the drive, however, with a few blitzes of John Elway and Steve Sewell to force a David Treadwell kick. The Broncos take a 7 point lead.

Denver leads 10-3

Warren gets the ball out to the Seattle 38, and on his way off the field he shouts at Krieg that he doesn't want to see the ball again before the end of the half. Krieg obliges with two straight incompletions, and suddenly the Seahawks are quickly facing 3rd and 10 after some poor clock management from Tom Flores' squad. Luckily, a 43-yard reception from Tommy Kane breathes new life into the Seahawks' hopes for some points before halftime. A Williams fumble swiftly erases any chance of that, unless you want to give the Seattle offense style points for kicking the ball around for fifteen seconds.

Kind of exaggerating the turf toe, aren't we Bobby?

During Denver's next possession, a Seattle fan proposed to his girlfriend in front of the concession stands, and a baby's diaper had to be changed. Oh yes, and Bobby Humphrey was injured after a meaningless 6-yard run.

Halftime - Broncos 10, Seahawks 3

Quarter Three
Modern-day renaissance man Vance Johnson carries the return out to the Denver 39-yard line. Despite the lead, the Broncos have only been on the field for a combined three Tecmo minutes, hardly enough time to ruin John Elway's flowing quaff. Nonetheless, he dons his not-clashing-in-the-least blue and orange helmet and gets to work. A beautifully executed lob to Johnson on first down for 53 yards gets the Broncos to first and goal with 8 yards to go, a distance that Elway covers in about 56 seconds for their second touchdown of the game.

Denver leads 17-3

I wish my expected job duties had exclamation points, too.

Elway's off the field in just over a minute, and so the exhausted and overworked Seattle offense is back on and starting at their own 35. Williams is entrusted with a pitch that's good for 15 yards, while Fenner is entrusted to be on the field during the next play. He ends up getting involved, much to the displeasure of all the Seahawks fans and a majority of the coaches, and his net gain of -1 yards quietly and sadly vindicates their preconditions. Even when Krieg wildly overthrows Kane for an interception by Steve Atwater, the fans are still crying for Fenner's head.

Former Broncos star running back and Southern Mississippi alum Sammy Winder is in for Bobby Humphrey, and his return to greatness begins with a 2-yard loss. Sewell gets involved on the next play for a 13-yard gain, a yardage amount that is replicated on an unexpected, yet somehow very expected, Vance Johnson reverse. Dan Reeves seizes the moment, and just when Seattle is thinking that a Johnson reverse is too predictable, Denver runs the Johnson reverse for 11 more yards. Elway goes to the air on the next play and has a pass fall into the protecting arms of Mark Jackson, who falls down at the Seattle half-yard line. The Seahawks defense faces one of their toughest challenges of the day with a goal line stand on first down, and allowing the Johnson reverse go in for a touchdown makes Seattle fans everywhere wonder if there are more things challenging the Seahawks' defense than just football.

Denver leads 24-3

Warren, who has spent more time on the field and racked up more yards than the entire Seattle offense, takes the ball to the Seahawks' 48. Williams takes it for five more yards into Broncos' territory as the quarter expires.

Quarter Four
Williams converts his second positive-yardage play in a row for 9 yards. On first and 10, Krieg flings a pass for a 38-yard touchdown completion to Travis McNeil, and the Seahawks have scored their first touchdown at a point in the game where 75% of the Seattle fans didn't get to see it.

Denver leads 24-10

The swan song of Sammy Winder: is this finally his year?

An inspired monster kick and stuff of Vance Johnson at his own 9-yard line is enough to get the sidelines fired up. It should be taken into account, however, that it's the Denver sideline that's excited, knowing that they have enough field left to run down the clock and score a dagger. An Elway dunk to Winder is good for 14 yards, but his job isn't done yet. Winder takes the ball again for a long 43-yard run, reflecting shades of his former Super Bowl-losing caliber of play. Two plays later it's 3rd and 9, and as the clock slowly ticks away on Seattle's short undefeated season, the Seahawks' reclaim their dignity on a blitz of Elway that forces Treadwell to miss from 53 yards.

Krieg takes over on downs, and on the first play he has all day to find out which of his four wide-open receivers he wants to overthrow, eventually deciding on Williams. The next play is a run play involving the glory-robbed Williams, who runs for 10 yards and a first down. Seattle uses its last time out with 1:41 remaining, in order to call another wild overthrow of McNeal. His next pass is even less successful, when what seems like an innocent overthrow of Brian Blades is intercepted by Wymon Henderson.

Two Steve Sewell rushes have the clock running down to less than 10 seconds, and on third down Elway risks throwing the ball instead of kneeling like a good sport, but his interception-less day is safe when a nameless Seattle defender bats the ball away instead of pulling it in, cementing a barf-worthy effort by the now cast-aside Seahawks defense.

Final: Broncos 24, Seahawks 10

Dave Krieg took a dookie on the national stage, and now the Seahawks fall into a second place tie with their recent foes in Denver and the Barry Word-led offense in Kansas City. Elway was his normal charming self with a modest 126 yards of passing, but his no picks to Dave Krieg's two are the real sign of a seasoned quarterback versus an over-zealous amateur. While there is work to be done on Seattle's ground game, Denver seems to have found their blessing in disguise with Sammy Winder coming out of his back-up role into the primary Broncos halfback position. Important divisional match-ups lie ahead for both teams, and Denver has a chance to jump-start their suddenly very real hopes of a divisional championship next week against San Diego. Seattle, meanwhile, will hold on to their hopes of getting a mid-season trade of Derrick Fenner to Kansas City for Christian Okoye; a hope that holds as much flicker as Krieg's chances of healing his chlamydia.
 

Looking Ahead: Week Three

The second week of exciting Tecmo action is behind us, but the after effects are sure to linger for some time. Or, at least until the Indianapolis Colts are contracted during Week 5. Buffalo is in a four-way tie in its division, while the 49ers are looking up at a suddenly solid L.A. Rams squad. Meanwhile, the rest of the teams are only separated by a game or two but some standouts are on the rise. Philadelphia is being pulled along on the back of their work-horse QB Eagles, whereas the AFC West race will go down to the final week, when Christian Okoye pulls Howie Long on his back for 300 yards and 4 touchdowns.

The first group of early Sunday games will be a litmus test for some teams looking to pull out from the muck of the early-season logjam. The Rams face an important game in New Orleans, where they can rein in a convincing third win, or play beneath themselves and allow the 49ers a window at home against the flawed Vikings. Tecmo is famous for bashing in the hopes and dreams of early-season surprises, leaving them lying broken on the ground and forming the basis of a popular Q Lazzarus tune.

Don't underestimate the world-famous Seattle 'Black Hole' D

The Giants of New York look to get out from their winless ways in Chicago, against a Bears team whose confidence was tested in a loss to the lowly Buccaneers of Tampa Bay. During the week, Jim Harbaugh told the Chicago Tribune that "it's still early" and "we still have time to pull it together". One quote that was apparently left on the editing room floor, however, was a candid Harbaugh shouting "And tell Wayne Haddix that his sister left her purse on my night stand last night!"

Perhaps the marquee match-up would be the game of undefeated division leaders when Houston travels to Kansas City and the dangerous Arrowhead Stadium, where the chilly fall air will be sure to keep Warren Moon's passes from reaching international space station altitudes. It may be too early to tell who the early favorite is in the meeting of this blog's prediction of division winners, but we'll just say that if Lorenzo White is involved, the Oilers will be riding a quiet bus home.

In the night games, the Bills and Jets clash in a game that will hopefully give one team in the AFC a foothold in the division. And the foot that it will belong to is a size 12 custom-made Reebok worn by Thurman Thomas. The Cowboys face an early season test against the dominant Eagles in Philadelphia, putting the rest of the division on notice. While QB Eagles' 241 rushing yards to Troy Aikman's 0 look to tell the tale of the season so far, the fact that he has 6 more yards per attempt than Emmitt Smith tell the tale that the Dallas 'D' may be interested in reading, provided the stories are in book-on-tape format.

NBC's Football Night in America game on Sunday night will feature an AFC West showdown with the Broncos visiting Seattle to play the Dave Krieg-led Seahawks. Seattle has stormed out to a quiet 2-0 record, while Denver struggled with two teams that will end with a combined 8-24 record in the Bengals and Raiders. This could be another tight one for Denver, with John Elway riding his team like a pack of wild horses into a first-place tie with Seattle, or another blowout for Seattle featuring Derrick Fenner racking up tens of yards.

Canada: Thanks for the bacon, but you can have Rypien back

Monday Night Football will end our third exciting week with an appearance by a football team, the Washington Redskins. Phoenix will show up as well, but even Timm Rosenbach's forehead isn't big enough to hold the amount of yards Mark Rypien will rack up against their sieve-like defense. Speaking of Mark Rypien, putting up the kinds of numbers that he's doing will inevitably draw some sort of investigation, even if it is only done by me, and instead of Mark Rypien, the investigation will be on his daughter's Lingerie Football League photo sho---er, stats page.

Standings after the hump---er, jump.


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 AFC

 NFC