Wild Card Weekend: Quadruple Header

For the first time in The Tecmo Bowl's history 4 games will be covered in one day, once again highlighting your faithful writers' dedication to this great and selfless endeavor. Eight teams will collide in an orgy of Tecmo not seen since last Saturday night in your best friend's neighbor's basement. The results will still be the same; empty pizza boxes, drained beer cans and broken hearts as we'll bid farewell to 4 teams all in one fell swoop. As with most wild card showdowns, there are a few intriguing match-ups containing teams that fought tooth and nail to get here. Unfortunately for those teams, the fumes they're currently riding on are running clearer and clearer with every drive. Will teams like the Steelers and Jets survive into their divisional rounds? Can the Saints and Cowboys regain their early season magic before it's too late? Let's rip this band-aid off and find out.

5 Pittsburgh Steelers (9-7) at 4 Buffalo Bills (11-5)

The Bills have been the hottest team in Tecmo, railing off 7 wins to end the season. Perhaps what's been more astonishing is the fact that they've won the last few during that streak without Top-3 rusher Thurman Thomas. Yet now, much to Pittsburgh's soot-filled dismay, Thomas makes his triumphant return just in time to push his team over the threshhold.

Though the return of Thomas caused a few prickly feelings for Coach Cowher and his team, they didn't get here without having a tough defense. Unfortunately, through 3 quarters of play, that defense was apparently lost with the luggage as Thomas ran roughshod over the field. By the time the fourth quarter began, Thomas already had over 100 yards and 3 touchdowns. Pittsburgh, meanwhile, had a safety and just one converted field goal out of two tries from Gary Anderson. But perhaps the biggest headline coming out of the first few periods of play was the fact that Barry Foster, the league's rushing champion, had just one carry for 12 yards.

The 4th quarter told quite a different story, beginning with a 75-yard high-stepper from Foster. A defensive stop later, and O'Donnell found a few other weapons in Dwight Stone and Jeff Graham, the latter of which catching an open pass on the sidelines for a touchdown. A Darren Perry interception of Kelly kept the momentum with Pittsburgh and in less than a minute, Foster was carrying the ball back into the end zone from 30 yards out. While the Tecmo gods seemed to turn their favor towards the men in black and yellow, even they can't control the sands of time, which became Pittsburgh's greatest enemy.

Though blame can be placed anywhere from Gary Anderson's missed field goal being the difference to Neil O'Donnell's costly interception in the red zone during their first drive, we really can't look past the Foster factor. Racking up nearly 150 yards in one quarter is a terrific feat, however it will now become more mootier a point than another inevitable Buffalo championship.

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5 New Orleans Saints (10-6) at 4 San Francisco 49ers (10-6)

The 49ers stole a 4-seed from the Saints during the final week of the season, and now it may be the deciding factor in who walks away the victor and who leaves with a Bayou-sized bullet hole in their chests. Bobby Hebert was godly during the first half of the season, though the bandwagon could only hold so many of the converted before flipping over in a violent mess. The Saints' futility during the second half of the season is well-documented, though San Francisco would have no qualms about adding another chapter in how they defeated their crowned divisional rivals three times in one season.

Tom Rathman returned to the fray, though unlike the return of another quality back, he couldn't convert on many of his opportunities near the goal line, keeping this one close for a while. The real question was whether or not Hebert could come out of his funk just in time for some playoff magic, though the beads stopped raining some time midway through the second quarter when the Ragin' Cajun took a wacky sacky and took a stinger to his finger. There wasn't much to know about his back-up Mike Buck, other than his passes looking like something on a Lucky Charms cereal box, yet he was able to drive the Saints down for their first score. Unfortunately, just before the half San Francisco would score twice unanswered behind two Mike Sherrard completions to put them up 24-7.

The Mike Buck saga would be delayed until the fourth quarter, though the Saints bore some credit for keeping the streaking 49ers silent and picking up a special teams touchdown with a fumble recovery from Tommy Barnhardt at the end of the third.

Down by 10 in the 4th, the Saints hearkened back to the same angels that led Washington over San Francisco in last year's divisional playoffs. Defensive stops alongside miraculous plays from Eric Martin and Craig Heyward nearly recited it play for play, leading to an obvious yet still chest-collapsing final heave from Buck that went over Martin's head by 15 yards.

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6 New York Jets (8-7-1) at 3 San Diego Chargers (10-6)

The Jets came into this contest ranked the lowest of the playoff field, however a well-fought win over the Saints in Week 17 mixed with San Diego's putrid fall from best in the AFC to lowest common denominator suddenly swings this contest in Gang Green's favor. Looking for a wind of change, San Diego came out to the field wearing some classy yellow and blue throwbacks, which lasted about halfway through the second quarter when the Chargers suddenly found themselves down 10-0 despite Browning Nagle not having completed a pass.

Just when the Jets seemed to have this unwatchable mess in their clasps, however, Humphries took his team down the field and capped it off with a touchdown connection to Nate Lewis right before halftime. The momentum carried over into the second half, with Humphries taking advantage of a fatigued Jets defense and scoring on a pass to Marion Butts up the middle to take the lead. Nagle, putting on his boyish game face, completed his first pass of the game just before the fourth quarter, subliminally swinging this game back over to the Jets for the final period of play.

After a sudden infusion of ability, Nagle started looking like a playoff quarterback by threading his passes through the San Diego defense. When his efforts stalled, the Jets went back to the Baxter Factor that made them a success throughout the season, capping off a surgical drive that gave New York the lead. Humphries wasn't made from mud yesterday, however, and was able to channel his own heroics from last season on a 4th-and-25 from his own 18. With a stop, the Jets would ice the game. Unfortunately, the Showboat from Shreveport hit Nate Lewis in stride for a 45-yard connection. Having missed from 39 and 45 earlier, John Carney trotted out and kicked his team into overtime from 55 yards out under the greatest pressure of his life.

A few plays later, Carney brought out his hot foot from 43 and struck it down the middle, graciously ending this stinkbomb.

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6 Dallas Cowboys (10-6) at 3 Chicago Bears (11-5)

Chicago survived to play another day on the strength of their 40-21 beatdown in Week 17 of the very team they'll meet today. The Bears won on all fronts; outstanding special teams, a suffocating defense and the undeniable chemistry between Jim Harbaugh and Tom Waddle. Dallas was certainly caught off guard, setting their sights on a possible division title and winding up barely clinging to a 6-seed. Tonight, they'll surely play with some pissed-off pizzazz as they get the rare treat of exacting vengeance on the team that embarrassed them just 7 nights ago.

Dallas spent exactly 3 minutes trailing Chicago before unleashing Emmitt Smith, held to just under 20 yards a week ago and denied the rushing title, to run downfield. Chicago kept up for the most part, tying Dallas on two occasions behind the bruising running of Brad Muster and Harbaugh's accurate throws. With the opportunity to head into halftime no worse for the wear, Chicago went out for a junk play just 8 seconds before halftime and allowed a 67-yard run by Smith, ultimately breaking their backs and shattering any momentum that they began six quarters prior.

A week ago, Mike Singletary had Troy Aikman looking like a raccoon on the highway behind 4 sacks, including one safety. On this blustery Sunday, Singletary's absence was more noticeable than the sauerkraut in Coach Ditka's mustache as Chicago gave up multiple third-down stops, including a 3rd-and-25 that saw the Bears fall over behind Emmitt Smith's 30 yard run to put Dallas up by 2 scores. Though Chicago made it interesting with the contractual Tom Waddle touchdown and a blistering run from Muster that saw him crash through three defenders at the goal line, they just couldn't keep up with the blazing soles of Emmitt Smith and heat-seeking missiles from Troy Aikman.

Chicago packs up a rather promising season the way they began; victims of their own delusional grandeur. Dallas leaves as the only lower-seed to advance, their targets set on Number-1 seeded Philadelphia.

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Wild Card Weekend: Sunday Edition

Today we get to see who else is invited to the Divisional playoffs party. Wild card weekend has become NFL's rush week, a fun little formality before the big show where one or two teams that don't really belong get to the postseason to get a brief taste of what it's like. Yesterday it was the Seahawks and the Packers, today it's the Bengals. Once we get Cincinnati out of the way, like we did with Seattle and Green Bay, we'll get on to the main event where the truly dominant teams can compete.

5 Cincinnati Bengals (9-7) at 4 Miami Dolphins (11-5)

It's lonely being Dan Marino

Quarter One
The game begins with Dan Marino rushing for 35 yards, Mark Clayton catching a few long passes, and the Dolphins driving right into the heart of Cincinnati's hopes and dreams. Things go awry for a moment when Marino fumbles it over to the Bengals at the 4 yard line, but it's all forgiven when Cliff Odom comes in and swallows Boomer Esiason whole to capture at least two of the runaway points.

Miami leads 2-0

Marc Logan is injured on the kick return, suddenly turning this year's edition of The Tecmo Bowl playoffs into a backyard Juggalo wrestling event. The Dolphins avenge their fallen domehead when Marino finds Fred Banks for a 55 yard touchdown. Multiple Bengals' defenders fall down during the run to the end zone, causing a few Cincinnati fans to phone up Jesse Ventura to see if Joe Robbie Stadium is hiding some gators in the marsh they call their home field.

Miami leads 9-0

The Bengals get a second chance on offense, and Boomer gets them jacked up with a flea flicker to Tim McGee that goes for 65 yards. Just when it seems the momentum is starting to shift, however, the full force of Cliff Odom's brow ridge brings it back into Miami's favor and the Bengals are stuffed on three straight plays.

Zander is never lonely with that strainer

Quarter Two
Cincinnati begins the new quarter on a positive note when Jim Breech is called upon to knock it in from 39 yards out. Despite missing three field goals and four PATs during the season, Breech is suddenly looking like the Bengals' last hope, which is saying a lot when you have Carl Zander's pornstache on your team.

Miami leads 9-3

The Dolphins are driving, and Dan Marino must be starting to see the points light up on the board. Unfortunately for Marino, this foresight blinds him from actually seeing David Fulcher, and his pass to Ferrell Edmunds is rightfully gobbled up.

The Bengals have the ball back, but unfortunately have the task to drive the length of the field against a top-3 defense with just two minutes left. Boomer decides to go all-out on a flea flicker to Eddie Brown to split the yardage in half, but a Dolphin defender gets his weasely hand in there to break it up. A few plays later and the Bengals are in Jim Breech territory, which is who they're calling on after the Dolphins' D-Line is causing Boomer's dry cleaners to see dollar signs.

Miami leads 9-6

Marino has a minute to work with, and most of that is consumed by Tony Paige and Sammy Smith. Apparently feeling comfortable with keeping a short lead over the timid Cincinnati Barn Cats, the Dolphins are content with winding down the clock and sending boy-next-door Pete Stoyanovich out for the 3-pointer before halftime.

Miami leads 12-6

Halftime - Dolphins 12, Bengals 6

Quarter Three
Cincinnati gets a chance for a quick statement out of the locker room, but the Dolphins' secondary keeps Boomer boom-less as they knock all of his passes out of the air. The Bengals can't cross mid-field to even get Breech to match half of his field goal totals for the year, and Coach Wyche fulfills his promise to Lee Johnson that he'd be punting in today's game.

Paige and Smith can't find any running ground this time around, so Marino goes to the air. On 3rd-and-4, the playoffs' worst defense stuffs Marino and redeems themselves for at least one drive in their foreseeable future.

Like shouting at a horror movie, they just can't hear you

Only down by 6, the Bengals finally go to their successful running game of Ickey Woods and James Brooks. They're working well for the team, until Brooks is called upon for the surprise flea flicker. And as a play that they've run at least 1,600 times this season, you'd think it'd go off without a hitch. But Brooks tosses it back to the shadow of Boomer Esiason instead of to Boomer directly, who's currently trying to see if light can exist beneath fourteen Miami defenders. Fortunately for the Bengals, they recover their own mistake, but the quarter ends with a second consecutive punt from Johnson and a fifteenth consecutive championship-less season on the horizon.

Quarter Four
While Marino will always be remembered for his offensive prowess, one can't deny his innate ability to yank rugs from beneath other teams' starry-eyed dreams. On the first drive of the quarter, he threads the needle, putting on a passing clinic before finding a wide open Banks in the end zone for a touchdown. The lead is now nearly out of reach for an impotent Bengals' offense to catch up, and as the dominoes fall into place for another cookie-cutter Tecmo Bowl postseason Cincinnati fans are asking where their Joseph McCarthy is now.

Miami leads 19-6

The Bengals fight valiantly back as if they haven't already lost their first game in five consecutive contests. But with Brooks and Woods running down the field, too many seconds have ticked off the clock and Boomer's interception at the Miami 34-yard line is more of a mercy killing than a heartbreaking final pass of an otherwise magical season for Mr. Esiason.

Final Score: Dolphins 19, Bengals 6

Miami runs out the clock on some safe plays, knowing they have their big brother Buffalo waiting in the wings. After losing the division in the final weeks, Miami looks to be on track to re-ignite an offensive fire that saw them win seven in a row earlier this year. The offense didn't convince anyone with their lackluster win here, but with all the chances they gave Cincinnati their defense is what sees them walk out with 13-point win. Cincinnati packs their bags for the long trip home, but shouldn't hang their heads too much as they certainly provided some excitement and flavor to a rather stale postseason that would have been otherwise staler had Chargers' back-up QB Mark Vlasic been involved.

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5 New York Giants (10-6) at 4 San Francisco 49ers (10-6)

Quarter One
Ottis Anderson fumbles at the San Francisco 20-yard line.

Joe Montana throws a missile to Jerry Rice for a 55-yard touchdown on the second play of the drive.

San Francisco leads 7-0

Holt finishes with the most 49ers rushing yards this season

Phil Simms isn't there to retrieve Anderson's flea flicker. Pierce Holt scoops up the fumble and runs from the 49ers' 20-yard line to the Giants' 20-yard line.

Montana slices it to a wide open Brent Jones on the first play for a 20-yard touchdown.

San Francisco leads 14-0

Quarter Two
In the red zone again, Simms can't see Mark Ingram doing jumping jacks in the end zone. After a sack and Dave Meggett fumble is retrieved 10 yards back, Matt Bahr misses wide right from 53 yards.

Montana drives his team to the Giants' 30-yard line in about 7 seconds. The New York 'D' holds up for one drive, but Mike Cofer still converts 3 points for the gold-rushers.

San Francisco leads 17-0

The Giants get to the red zone for a third time, but fumble for the third time. Dave Waymer gets his name in the score book with the recovery.


Halftime - 49ers 17, Giants 0


Quarter Three
The 49ers get the ball to start the half, but don't come up with any points when Cofer is wide left from 52 yards out. Vegas bookies are starting to sweat.

Mark Ingram realizes coating his gloves in his lucky peanut oil doesn't work out so well when he drops a wide open pass at the San Francisco 20-yard line. Giants punt.

If one Tecmo screen capture could haunt a receiver's dreams, it's this one

John Taylor pulls in a Montana-bomb for a 45-yard touchdown. Vegas bookies pop open a bottle of Dom Perignon.

San Francisco leads 24-0

Quarter Four
Ingram can't pull in another wide open pass at the San Francisco 15-yard line on fourth down. But damn, those gloves taste good.

Look at the cute little Giants players who are still trying!

Jerry Rice pulls in a 35-yard pass on the first play of the drive while writing a check for his kids' college fund.

San Francisco leads 31-0

Anderson fumbles on the Giants' drive for New York's fourth turnover. Waymer gets the recovery again because he's a selfish prick. Which is why the 49ers signed him to a multi-year deal.

Rice pulls in a 40-yard touchdown on third down while writing a check for Giants' Coach Ray Handley's kids' college fund.

San Francisco leads 38-0

Simms can't clear the cobwebs after getting sacked and throws an interception at the 49ers' 15-yard line, icing this game for San Francisco. Who are we kidding, this game was iced before the coin flip.

Final Score: 49ers 38, Giants 0

We would apologize for the trite synopsis, but we couldn't really pretend that the Giants didn't put on one of the poorest performances in Tecmo playoff history. And trust me, I've seen all 45,000 of them. For a team that dominated their own division and most of the others while winning 9 of their last 11, they couldn't have played worse had they found Phoenix Cardinals jerseys in their lockers. It was a pitiful performance for one of the more anticipated games this weekend, but we can't really see how the Giants stood a chance against a very peeved-off 49ers team that had the West division stolen from them in the last week. Forget that the 49ers have the number 4-seed in this year's playoffs; they've got Washington next week followed by the winner of Minnesota vs. Green Bay. If a road was easier to the Tecmo Bowl, it would be in an S-pattern with a team of Bo Jacksons carting the carriage.

 

Wild Card Weekend: Saturday Edition

It's time to break out the good beer and serious music: it's Tecmo playoff season. We didn't really know what to expect when we started this other than what was expected, and now it's finally time to forge the road that Buffalo and San Francisco will eventually take to the playoffs. Today we'll begin with a couple of 3-6 match-ups between teams that have all seen each other before. Seattle and Denver had two divisional match-ups in which they split, but Denver won the division so I guess blah blah blah whatever. Green Bay and the Rams had an altercation in Week 5 in which the Rams blew the Packers out behind a big game from Jim Everett, but Don Majkowski has a history of turning it up in the playoffs--and by that, of course, we mean high school, as this will be his first NFL playoff game.

6 Green Bay Packers (9-6-1) at 3 Los Angeles Rams (10-6)

And Faison applauds perhaps a bit disingenuously

Quarter One
Willie Anderson returns to the fray after a few weeks out. Derrick Faison, a late-season hero for the Rams, sits on the sidelines with a ball cap on. We're already thinking things don't bode well for the Rams, until Buford McGee returns the kickoff all the way to the Green Bay 30-yard line. This makes him the first Buford to ever return a kick in NFL playoff history, as well as the first man named Buford since the Civil War. On the first play from scrimmage, Anderson is welcomed back with a 30-yard toss from Jim Everett that's good for a Rams touchdown.

Los Angeles leads 7-0

Down early, Green Bay doesn't panic and instead goes the slow route with a few Sterling Sharpe reverse plays mixed in with some short dink-and-dunk passes. After the ninth Sharpe reverse somehow fools the Rams defense and goes for 35 yards, Keith Woodside chugs it in from 6 yards out to tie the game.

Score tied 7-7

Quarter Two
The Rams are forced to start behind the 50-yard line, which means they have to break out an actual playbook for this drive. They follow Cleveland Gary and Curt Warner downhill as they cut through the Green Bay defense like the hunk of cheddar they are, and in just under two minutes into the quarter Cleveland Gary's racing 22 yards to paydirt.

Los Angeles leads 14-7

The Sharpe reverse is blasted in two consecutive plays, and so the Packers bring out Don Majkowski for the first time this quarter to run a few plays. But on 3rd and 24, Don is running instead of throwing and the rabbit continues napping inside the hat as the Packers are forced to punt.

Everett, who's having a quietly perfect day, converts a perfect throwing drive into a perfect 30-yard catch and run from Mr. Perfect look-alike, Curt Warner. Oh wait, maybe that's Kurt Warner. Google images doesn't differentiate, so why should I?

Los Angeles leads 21-7

I think the wrong guy is jumping here

Green Bay faces a deep hole just before halftime, and for the first time in a while that doesn't refer to Anthony Dilweg. They play patient football, and after another long Sharpe reverse to the Rams' 26-yard line, Majkowski and Sharpe go to much more familiar territory with a 26-yard pass, leaving just 26 seconds on the clock. Somehow we just know this is going to turn into a Jim Carrey reference.

Los Angeles leads 21-14

With Green Bay appearing to come alive and getting the ball after the break, the Rams will have a lot to talk about in the locker room after all the hookers leave.

Halftime - Rams 21, Packers 14

And best Men's Swimsuit Edition cover ever

Quarter Three
When Sharpe converts a 3rd-and-1 situation at the Rams' 18-yard line with a 3-yard reverse, you can just feel a momentum shift akin to when Tony Mandarich jumps. Sharpe does a relatively larger amount of damage on the next play when he drags in a 15-yard touchdown pass from Majkowski to pull Green Bay even with plenty of game to go.

Score tied 21-21

After two straight Packer blitzes, the Rams suddenly face 3rd-and-29 and their first potential non-scoring drive of the game. That doesn't remove their cocky-factor, however, when they simply hand it off to Warner up the middle. He only gains 3, the Rams are punting, and somewhere the modesty gods are chuckling.

The quarter ends with the Packers driving, capping off with a trademark 15-yard run from Majkowski to push them deep into Los Angeles territory.

Quarter Four
The final chapter in this first wild card game of The Tecmo Bowl season begins with Green Bay taking their first lead of the game on a 25-yard lob to Sharpe for his third touchdown of the day.

Green Bay leads 28-21

Somewhere out from the pixellated blob
emerges Jerry Holmes

Inspired by their offense, the Packers draw up another blitz and, unaware of what to do, Warner decides to fumble the ball over to pride of Hempstead High School, Johnny Holland. Despite the cries coming from the sideline to drop to the field, Holland selfishly and vaingloriously trucks it 32 yards for a touchdown to show why Texans are the worst.

Green Bay leads 35-21

With their fortunes flipped in just a matter of one and a half minutes, the Rams begin marching down the field, taking off quite a bit of time, but now they're in the red zone and it'll all be worth it if Gary can just keep running toward the--well, there goes that.

Green Bay takes over on the fumble, but are forced into a three-and-out by the Rams defense when they shrug off their effective Sharpe reverse play for the first time in three consecutive plays.

With 9 seconds to go, Ellard buys some time by faking an injury after the kick return. Derrick Faison makes his triumphant return to the field, looking for some late-game magic, but when the pass goes to Warner instead the official scorers decide not to give the Rams the 15 style points they could have used to eke this one out.

Final Score: Packers 35, Rams 21

And a rare playoff appearance by the Rams shows just why they shouldn't be there to belong with. After an explosive start, they ended up beating themselves with cocky prima donna attitudes while Green Bay played the patient cat-and-mouse game to advance. While we have to give Los Angeles credit for pulling the rug out from beneath the 49ers and taking the division this year, we somehow knew that Green Bay would win by playing the grittier, smash-mouth kind of football that Tecmo is known for, despite what flashy YouTube videos or time-wasting blog posts may tell you. The Packers meet divisional rivals Minnesota for NFC Central bragging rights.

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6 Seattle Seahawks (9-7) at 3 Denver Broncos (9-7)

Quarter One
Denver begins their history-making march toward Tecmo Bowl glory with a John Elway interception on first down.

Nice cross-body throw, jackass

The Seahawks play the ball-control game, despite the popular game plan of keeping the ball in Elway's uncertain hands, running Derrick Fenner up the gut and completing short passes up the middle. After about 16 carries and 4 minutes tick off the clock, Fenner gets his first Tecmo playoff touchdown since that one weird Tuesday afternoon about sixteen years ago.

Seattle leads 7-0

Denver drives their horseshit carriage down into the Seattle red zone behind the non-Rams cornerback Bobby Humphrey, but Elway's teeth get in the way again and he lobs up another pick at the Seattle 6-yard line.

Quarter Two
Seattle sandwiches a long 50-yard pass to Brian Blades between hard-nose running from Derrick Fenner and John L. Williams, and before it turns into a party sub they finally get the touchdown behind an 8-yard classical score-accompanied run by Williams.

Seattle leads 14-0

Who knew the Murphy Brown painter was also a medic?

Big weapon and favorite Elway target Vance Johnson goes out after a decent return, kick-starting an inspired drive from Denver. Humphrey carves the number 6-ranked defense Seahawks defense like sushi as he roars down the field, capping it off with a 15-yard run for the score. On a team filled with jack-asses, Humphrey is one bright stallion.

Seattle leads 14-7

The Seahawks get the ball back with just enough time to get All-Pro kicker and Leave it to Beaver dad, Norm Johnson, on the field. This prospect is made possible after a huge 64-yard grab from Blades, and Johnson punches it in from 33 yards out.

Seattle leads 17-7

Halftime - Seahawks 17, Broncos 7

Quarter Three
Needing a three-and-out to get the ball back, the number 1-ranked defense shows its fury and forces GQ cover model Dave Krieg off the field, although giving the ball back to John Elway isn't always the best decision in a wild card game.

Ricky, you forgot your game ball

Just like in their Week 3 Monday Night battle, Sammy Winder gets the call when Steve Sewell goes out, hopefully generating a spark in the silent Denver offense. He carries the ball into the Seattle red zone, where Denver meets much better fortunes than last time when Elway finds Vance Johnson replacement, Ricky Nattiel, for his first playoff touchdown in Tecmo history.

Seattle leads 17-14

With their division champions marching back, Seattle knows they need to kick up their play to Space Needle levels. However, in just two plays, they're facing a 3rd and 9 situation. Krieg dumps it off to the dependable Ron Heller, a man who's been here before, but the play comes up just a yard short and the Broncos will be getting the ball back with a chance to take the lead.

The second largest construct in Seattle

Quarter Four
The indomitable monster that is the Seattle defense wakes up, crushing Winder and Elway on two separate plays to force a 3rd-and-19 situation. Elway sees the open field ahead of him and draws up the run, but once again makes the mistake of being the first person in history to not see Cortez Kennedy. Denver punts.

With just under four minutes left, Seattle goes with a few Fenner runs to drain out the clock. Unfortunately, this game planning only gets them to their own 45-yard line at the two minute warning, and the Denver defense will give their team another chance for a late drive to pull ahead.

Elway and his Broncos aren't making any friends on the other side of the ball when they put themselves quickly into a 3rd and 17. Tony Woods gets his national exposure on a sack of Elway to force 4th down, but the Broncos are saddling up. Unfortunately for them, Woods' works at a glue factory in the offseason.

Seattle takes over on downs at the Denver 18-yard line, but 3 incomplete Krieg passes keep them out of the end zone. They go for the sure 3 points from Norm Johnson, but now take just a shaky 6-point lead over the Broncos with still a minute to go for some Elway postseason magic. So far, they've only just seen amateur birthday party clown Elway.

We've already sold this screen to NFL films

Seattle leads 20-17

The Broncos start at their own 47-yard line with just 23 seconds to go. Needing a touchdown, Elway goes for broke with a flea-flicker to Nattiel that gets them to the Seattle 20-yard line. To set the scene, the Broncos call their play with just one second remaining and the season on the line. And here, the game ends in storybook fashion. We should mention that this is a Seattle storybook, and Nesby Glasgow is the Prince whereas Elway is the sharp-fanged dragon.

Final Score: Seahawks 20, Broncos 17


The Seahawks are the second 6-seed to advance today, but the more probable 6-seed to continue as their defense wins this one. With three picks of Elway and championing the time management factor of the the game, Seattle wins smart, not hard, and will now meet the Oilers next round. Although the Cinderella season continues for the Seahawks, the Moon is rising in Houston, and a good defense against Denver is wildly different than a good defense against this season's most prolific offense. In either case, Seattle didn't go home with the trophy but show that they should have taken the division with a decisive tiebreaking victory over Denver. But as a consolation trophy, the Broncos will get to go home to some frost-brewed Coors Light, of which you'll most likely find the players still buried beneath about two months from now.

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Don't forget, tomorrow we'll wind up wild card weekend with Cincinnati in Miami and the Giants taking on the 49ers. It'll be the first time men in blue will be seen in San Francisco since last weekend's parade!

Looking Ahead (and Behind): Wild Card Weekend

Can you feel that? Yes, it's difficult to explain the feeling you get each year at this time (outside of nagging regret and a deep sense of failure for not keeping your New Year's Resolution even one week). But nonetheless, you feel it, and you can't escape it. Playoffs. But never before have you felt so attached to the teams in question. Sure, none of the players were on your fantasy team this year, but if you're honest with yourself you'll see that they mean so much more to you than stats or numbers. There you're family. There's your cocky younger brother, Jim Everett, frying the air with electric passes. There's your wise Canadian father, Mark Rypien, showing you how to act like you've been there before. And finally, there's weird Uncle Dave Krieg, who's always around even when he shouldn't be, i.e. yesterday morning's shower...

Today we'll take a look back at the season while also spit-shining our crystal ball to look for something to expect, even though we should know by now that the only thing to expect is some gosh-darned good Tecmo...plus a Denver vs. Seattle match-up.

AFC East
Nothing too surprising here. We nearly got the order right, but muddled up some of the numbers. The Bills weren't as dominant as we thought they'd be, at least not early on, but they're one of the hottest teams entering the playoffs. The Dolphins were coasting until a hiccup in Week 13, where they started a 3-game losing streak that saw the Bills take over the division and run away with it. They'll meet the upstart Bengals this weekend.

Now for some reason, yours truly put the Jets in the playoffs as a bold choice and true definition of the term 'wild card'. I don't know what I saw in Mr. O.Brien...perhaps it was his big collection of balls, or maybe that look in his eye that says "trust me" which, I admit, gets me every time. Instead, the Jets barely lost 3rd place to the Colts, a position that Indianapolis looked uncomfortable and awkward in the entire season.

Give it to Grogan, he made some games interesting, both with his uncanny inability to play football and his sheer determination to play football. He will forever keep the Patriots the most interesting 3-12 team to ever play the game of Tecmo. Perhaps we'll take you through a MAN season one year, Grogan, but you still have some trust to earn.


AFC Central
Houston took control early and didn't let go. We didn't expect much of a fight from the non-blood siblings that make up the rest of the division, but also didn't think the Oilers had it in them to rack up 13 wins, starting with a 4-0 head start. Luckily, the lowly Cincinnati Bengals made it a non-story with their huge late-season surge that saw them pull out from barely-breathing 5-7 in Week 13 to a chance for a wild card in control of their own destiny in the final week of the season. Here's to hoping that Boomer and his crew can keep whatever witch they hired alive to advance past the flawed and faltering Miami Dolphins during Wild Card weekend for at least one more week of magic.

The rest of the division finished out how we thought, and though the records differed slightly, they average out to the same and for that we give ourselves a hefty pat on the bottom. Neither team was particularly fun to watch, as expected, but did provide a good foil when one was needed. Good luck in the offseason, Pittsburgh and Cleveland. One of you is destined for a bright future, and the other, well, you'll be getting about 3 years off to reassess your campaign as a professional football team.


AFC West
Ah, the AFC West. The favorite division to think about when we couldn't sleep at night. Of course, you would finish in a three-way tie, but if it were truly up to the fans none of you would make the postseason. You've proven again why football will never take over baseball as America's game, mostly because you are an entire division of necessary evils that we'll never be able to vanquish no matter how strong our military might is.

Denver, you won the division in the very last week of the season despite being the long shot. You needed to win and hope for losses by the other two mongoloids ahead of you. Although we would normally commend you for that never-say-die attitude, we couldn't think of a more undeserving 'champion'.

We put Denver in the playoffs with a 9-7 record, which is about the only thing we got right. Kansas City gave up halfway through, Los Angeles did respectably mediocre again, and San Diego might as well have finished 5-11 with how terrible they were at the end. 9-7, Chargers? Seriously? Who do you think you're fooling? Here's to hoping Denver and Seattle play on a field covering a hidden wormhole or something.



NFC East
Flip Philadelphia and Washington around, and we didn't do too bad. Of course, that's easy to say now, but when it comes to the NFC East it's always a crap shoot. Washington led early and finished out in the last week with the title, which I guess I'm fine with as long as New York still got in with a wild card. While we've beat it in all of your heads that the Giants pulled off some mid-season magic after a 1-4 start, we do need to remember that the team has Phil Simms and Ottis Anderson. They'll need those guys this weekend if they want to beat the 49ers, another team that should have had a bye until a last-week coup in their own division.

Philadelphia was a bit of a disappointment to everyone in Philadelphia, but not really to the rest of us. They won some big games, lost even bigger ones (including a winner-takes-all game in Week 17 against the Redskins), and couldn't get any consistency out of QB Eagles, something we always take for granted before Week 1.

Dallas couldn't pull out the .500 record despite all of our opium-filled optimism, while Phoenix fell valiantly short of their 4-12 prognostication even after a 2-game win streak to close out the year.

NFC Central
Minnesota lost 37-0 in Week 1 to Chicago, and apparently that was all the fire they needed to rail off 11 wins in a row and be the first to plant a flag in their division championship. Since then, they've been one weird loss after another and doing a cartoonish stumble into the playoffs. We couldn't have gotten this division more wrong, erroneously predicting a strong finish by Chicago and Minnesota backing into the playoffs. Green Bay was the closest we got, and even that looks remarkably off. Nobody's ever been happier about a tie than Green Bay, as it kept them in and Chicago out after they both won in Week 17. They'll hope to out-duel the Rams and meet the Vikings in divisional play to get a measure of revenge.

We were a bit more hopeful for Detroit than we should have been, and even their 4-12 record surprises us after some of the jaw-dropping numbers Rodney Peete put up. Tampa Bay kept things interesting, holding on to a spot on the NFC bubble until Week 16 -- the longest they've ever been in the playoff picture until they dropped the creamsicle and Vinny Testaverde was playing back-up to University of Georgia alum and Rogaine spokesperson, Eric Zeier.

NFC West

The Los Angeles Rams and San Francisco 49ers combined for all 17 weeks leading the division, with the Rams leading the 49ers 11 weeks to 6. Of course, the eleventh week didn't come until the very last one, where Los Angeles pounded their way through the NFC West wall like Doomsday sniffing out Superman, taking the 49ers unawares. While everyone predicted a 49ers playoff berth, we were the most clueless with our pessimistic 6-10 guess for the Rams.

Both teams have big playoff match-ups this weekend against teams that certainly match up against their abilities well. The 49ers and Giants were both surprised by their depositions, but won't have time to cry in their beers when they duke it out. The Rams take on an unpredictably wild Packers team and a formidable foe in Don Majkowski. It'll be a game of who shows up against who, as both have shown to be offensive juggernauts, while also showing a bit of defensive retardation from time to time.

Atlanta was its normal pesky self, finishing with 6 wins, while the Saints came close to median as well. Yeah, we got nothing on these two anymore.


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So there you go. No more playoff calculating; no more flamboyant previews of games between irrelevant teams that wind up reading about as interesting as nutrition facts on a box of crackers. Right now, each game counts: win, you move on; lose, you're out, waiting nervously for the next undetermined time someone hits 'Season Game' on their Tecmo cartridge.

Wild Card weekend should prove to be just that, friends: Wild. With teams like Cincinnati and the Rams getting involved, we could be seeing deserving men like David Fulcher or Bern Brostek holding up the Lombardi. Of course, there's the more probable conclusion in which we see Dan Marino or Warren Moon slugging it out with QB Bills while San Francisco eats sourdough sandwiches on their next walk to the Tecmo Bowl. Nevertheless, faithful followers, we'll keep you in on the action until that fateful day we've all been waiting for, the day when we get to toast an Old Style to graphic designers Y. Mizushima and M. Mizuta during the end credits for gracing us with a game worthy of a twenty-something blogging about during his break in gainful employment.

Cheers!