Monday Night Football: Phoenix vs. L.A. Rams

For every Lawrence Taylor, there's bound to be a Jock Jones. And as such, in Tecmo, for every down and dirty, nitty-gritty defensive struggle, there's bound to be games like tonight's contest between the Rams and Cardinals. A combined 4-12 (with the Rams holding each of those 4 wins), this game will pit the very dredges of Tecmodom against each other in a battle for will, while its audience battles its own gag reflex. With the Rams tumbling down from their status as division champions last year and Phoenix yet to win a game despite being in a weaker division, there's no telling what will come out on the other side of tonight's digestive tract of a showdown. With defenses that can sleep through a plane crash and two quarterbacks more inconsistent than your wife's mood swings, we're either in for a bedtime story or a natural disaster. Take your pick; we'll go with the one that includes a restful night's sleep.

Quarter One
A short kick to Phoenix's return man Johnny Bailey sets the Cardinals up at their own 43-yard line to start this one off. Instead of leaving the field, however, Bailey lines up in the I-formation behind the venerable Chris Chandler, who fakes the handoff to Bailey and takes the ball on his own for 14 yards. The same play is called on the next set of downs, though this time Chandler opts to throw and finds tight end Butch Rolle for just their first connection all season. This one is good for 26 more yards, and from there, Chandler looks toward the sure hands of Bailey in the end zone. Unfortunately, Chandler's own hands were a little less than sure when the ball sails into a cart of Cuban sandwiches behind section ZZ.

The patented Proehl reverse is good for an absolute zero yards, and so on third down, Phoenix makes things even more complicated by adding in one more step to the reverse with a modified flea flicker that winds up blocked in the back of the end zone. The unpredictable Greg Davis is out to kick in a chip shot from 33, though the ball never had a chance as it careens off the left upright and into the waiting arms of some angry bookies.

Rams' quarterback Jim Everett goes big, though Flipper Anderson can't take him home when the long ball is broken up. On second down, Everett goes to another capable receiver in tight end Jim Price, though the decision to throw to the only covered guy on the field proves not as fruitful as Jim had hoped. On 3rd down, the Rams exhibit their ground game behind the dynamic Tim Lester, though his first national appearance is a bust when he's 2 yards short of the 10 needed for a first down. Don Bracken!

Johnny Bailey is pinned at his own 8-yard line this time with Bracken's expertly placed punt. On the first play of a new drive, Chandler finds Prime Time Butch Rolle once again, this time for 38 yards after Rolle is able to throw off some would-be tacklers. Kevin Greene brings the blitz on the next set of downs, knocking Chandler back 11 yards, though the unfazed Everett, Washington Warrior comes back and finds a wide open Randal Hill in stride for a 73-yard score.

Phoenix leads 7-0

Quarter Two
Greg Davis, perhaps on a bit of a rush after converting the extra point, whiffs his kickoff to Vernon Turner who returns it to the 45-yard line for the Rams. Cleveland Gary gets his first carry, though he's anything but scary with 5 yards as he tarries. Jim Price picks up the slack with a 16-yard reception, though the drive stalls for a bit with Everett's passes struggling to get over the line of scrimmage. Facing a 3rd-and-10 situation, Everett finds the loyal Tim Lester in the flat, who uses his bionic legs to outrun the defenders for a game-tying touchdown.

Score tied 7-7

Johnny Bailey fights for all he's worth just to get to the Cardinals' 35-yard line, and we'll see what kind of mettle Phoenix is made up of as they try to answer the blow to their momentum. Bailey is fed the ball on first down, though his dizziness from his whirlwind return keeps him from passing through his own right tackle's behind and he's taken down for no gain. The always underrated and never overstated Ricky Proehl makes one of his famous in-coverage catches on second down at the Los Angeles 28-yard line, which is followed right up with the MVP of Mrs. Chandler's household lacing his throw just over the fingers of a Rams defender into the waiting arms of Hill, who runs it in for his second touchdown of the game.

Phoenix leads 14-7

Turner the kick returner can't turn the corner, and is felled just shades in front of his own team's end zone. Though Phoenix predictably brings the blitz, Everett can't scramble hard enough and is taken down by none other than the only man on the field named after a piece of sportswear, Jock Jones, for a safety.

Phoenix leads 16-7

Bailey continues to work for yards, returning the ensuing kickoff to the Cardinals' 42-yard line. With the clock winding down, Phoenix scrambles for any added points to drive into the blue and yellow hearts of Los Angeles, though it doesn't start well when the Rams' front seven plows through and takes Bailey down for a loss of 4. Coach Joe Bugel reaches down deep into his bag of tricks and calls the Ricky Proehl reverse and, perhaps not believing such a call would ever be picked at this juncture in the game, the Rams are fooled, letting Proehl run all over the field for 55 yards to the Los Angeles 8 yard line, wiping all but 3 seconds left on the clock. Once again playing the game of chance, Coach Bugel sends Davis out to try from 25 yards instead of going with the odds, though Davis does manage to squeak it in to add to Phoenix's lead before the half.

Phoenix leads 19-7

Halftime - Cardinals 19, Rams 7

Quarter Three

Turner once again fails to bring the ball out past the 20-yard line, giving the Rams yet another short field to work with. The Cardinals bring the blitz on first down, muddying Everett 8 yards back to extend the field. Taking a break on second down, Jim hands it off to Lester who can't erase the deficit with just a 6-yard carry. On 3rd-and-12, Everett manages to save the drive with a pass to Hank Ellard, who brings it down at the Los Angeles 45-yard line. The visionary Rams team runs the exact same play, once again to a rousing success with another catch from Ellard for 36 yards. Lester tacks on 4 more yards to break up the excitement, which is joined in progress with Everett choosing Ellard out of his 3 open receivers to score the touchdown and close the gap.

Phoenix leads 19-14

Tony Zendejas pins Bailey deep on the kick to keep his team's momentum going, starting Phoenix at their own 7-yard line. Bailey responds with his first breakaway run of the day, charging straight up the middle for 36 yards. Kevin Greene gets his second inspired sack of the day, extending the down another 10 yards, though the Cardinals mockingly answer with a Proehl reverse that goes for 31 yards to the Los Angeles 36-yard line. Chandler finds Hill on the next play, who knocks three Rams defenders to their knees with his divine reception abilities, and proceeds to run it in for their third touchdown connection of the evening.

Phoenix leads 26-14

Turner takes advantage of a bad Greg Davis kick to give his Rams a starting shot at their 42-yard line, though a Ken Harvey sack of a defeated Chris Everett knocks them back around the 30. The third quarter comes to a close with the Rams converting the first down, however, as Everett finds Flipper open at the Phoenix 31-yard line.

Quarter Four
And just as Sunday morning brings with it the hopelessness of understanding the unconscious, Crisco-covered donkey in your bed, so does a new quarter bring with it the hopelessness of the Rams' offense as the sure-handed Tim Lester coughs the ball up to Aeneas Williams just as Los Angeles hoped to keep this one close.

Chandler's pass to the well that is Randal Hill comes up empty as it's batted away, though on a second attempt, he finds that there's still something lurking in the muck of the Rams' secondary with a Hill reception at the Los Angeles 44-yard line. Proehl can't pull it down on the next play, most likely because he's wide open, so Chandler tries it again on second down with two men all over Ricky. This time, he brings it in for a gain of 24 yards as Phoenix prepares to iron out their first win just ten weeks into the season. With Chandler scrambling for 12 yards and finding Proehl open in the end zone on the next play, it appears their outlook on the last half of the season will be wrinkle-free.

Phoenix leads 33-14

Starting from their own 23-yard line and looking for the all-important dignity points, Everett gets his crew started on a positive note by cowering away and letting Lester scramble for 7 yards. A lateral pass to Cleveland Gary is batted away on second down, though on the third of their four downs, Gary manages to convert with a 6 yard scamper up the middle. Lester runs once more for 13 yards, though it's probably the catch and run to the Phoenix 12-yard line that truly proves the Cardinals are already packing the bus up. Aeneas Williams delays the inevitable garbage touchdown with a sack of Everett. With 25 seconds remaining, Everett lobs it to Gary who chooses not to be tackled at the 5-yard line until Coach Knox is literally out on the field pushing him over. With just 5 seconds remaining, Everett finds Gary in the end zone to cover the spread and send us all to bed with every intention of mind-wiping that last drive from our memories.

Phoenix leads 33-21

Final: Cardinals 33, Rams 21

Phoenix played at about the same temperature as their city in August, with Chandler taking advantage of a 27th-ranked pass defense and going off for four touchdowns, three going to game MVP and hotel key displayer Randal Hill. The Cardinals win their first game of the season with the bright lights of The Tecmo Bowl shining on them, and if they continue to play with this much excitement and ferocity, we may honor their claims to the next six Monday Night games. Meanwhile, Los Angeles can't capitalize on playing a winless team to keep their fading hopes alive at contending in their very top-heavy division, and must sulk back to below .500 where they will inevitably stay as long as their defense doesn't undertake a massive overhaul. All told, we were proud to display this contest between two nomadic teams that will eventually call the same division home. Perhaps one day, they'll even have a quarterback to lead them to the big game. Though that's about as big a pipe dream as the one currently residing in Freddie Joe Nunn's vacuous skull.

Looking Ahead (and Behind): Wild Card Weekend

Can you feel that? Yes, it's difficult to explain the feeling you get each year at this time (outside of nagging regret and a deep sense of failure for not keeping your New Year's Resolution even one week). But nonetheless, you feel it, and you can't escape it. Playoffs. But never before have you felt so attached to the teams in question. Sure, none of the players were on your fantasy team this year, but if you're honest with yourself you'll see that they mean so much more to you than stats or numbers. There you're family. There's your cocky younger brother, Jim Everett, frying the air with electric passes. There's your wise Canadian father, Mark Rypien, showing you how to act like you've been there before. And finally, there's weird Uncle Dave Krieg, who's always around even when he shouldn't be, i.e. yesterday morning's shower...

Today we'll take a look back at the season while also spit-shining our crystal ball to look for something to expect, even though we should know by now that the only thing to expect is some gosh-darned good Tecmo...plus a Denver vs. Seattle match-up.

AFC East
Nothing too surprising here. We nearly got the order right, but muddled up some of the numbers. The Bills weren't as dominant as we thought they'd be, at least not early on, but they're one of the hottest teams entering the playoffs. The Dolphins were coasting until a hiccup in Week 13, where they started a 3-game losing streak that saw the Bills take over the division and run away with it. They'll meet the upstart Bengals this weekend.

Now for some reason, yours truly put the Jets in the playoffs as a bold choice and true definition of the term 'wild card'. I don't know what I saw in Mr. O.Brien...perhaps it was his big collection of balls, or maybe that look in his eye that says "trust me" which, I admit, gets me every time. Instead, the Jets barely lost 3rd place to the Colts, a position that Indianapolis looked uncomfortable and awkward in the entire season.

Give it to Grogan, he made some games interesting, both with his uncanny inability to play football and his sheer determination to play football. He will forever keep the Patriots the most interesting 3-12 team to ever play the game of Tecmo. Perhaps we'll take you through a MAN season one year, Grogan, but you still have some trust to earn.


AFC Central
Houston took control early and didn't let go. We didn't expect much of a fight from the non-blood siblings that make up the rest of the division, but also didn't think the Oilers had it in them to rack up 13 wins, starting with a 4-0 head start. Luckily, the lowly Cincinnati Bengals made it a non-story with their huge late-season surge that saw them pull out from barely-breathing 5-7 in Week 13 to a chance for a wild card in control of their own destiny in the final week of the season. Here's to hoping that Boomer and his crew can keep whatever witch they hired alive to advance past the flawed and faltering Miami Dolphins during Wild Card weekend for at least one more week of magic.

The rest of the division finished out how we thought, and though the records differed slightly, they average out to the same and for that we give ourselves a hefty pat on the bottom. Neither team was particularly fun to watch, as expected, but did provide a good foil when one was needed. Good luck in the offseason, Pittsburgh and Cleveland. One of you is destined for a bright future, and the other, well, you'll be getting about 3 years off to reassess your campaign as a professional football team.


AFC West
Ah, the AFC West. The favorite division to think about when we couldn't sleep at night. Of course, you would finish in a three-way tie, but if it were truly up to the fans none of you would make the postseason. You've proven again why football will never take over baseball as America's game, mostly because you are an entire division of necessary evils that we'll never be able to vanquish no matter how strong our military might is.

Denver, you won the division in the very last week of the season despite being the long shot. You needed to win and hope for losses by the other two mongoloids ahead of you. Although we would normally commend you for that never-say-die attitude, we couldn't think of a more undeserving 'champion'.

We put Denver in the playoffs with a 9-7 record, which is about the only thing we got right. Kansas City gave up halfway through, Los Angeles did respectably mediocre again, and San Diego might as well have finished 5-11 with how terrible they were at the end. 9-7, Chargers? Seriously? Who do you think you're fooling? Here's to hoping Denver and Seattle play on a field covering a hidden wormhole or something.



NFC East
Flip Philadelphia and Washington around, and we didn't do too bad. Of course, that's easy to say now, but when it comes to the NFC East it's always a crap shoot. Washington led early and finished out in the last week with the title, which I guess I'm fine with as long as New York still got in with a wild card. While we've beat it in all of your heads that the Giants pulled off some mid-season magic after a 1-4 start, we do need to remember that the team has Phil Simms and Ottis Anderson. They'll need those guys this weekend if they want to beat the 49ers, another team that should have had a bye until a last-week coup in their own division.

Philadelphia was a bit of a disappointment to everyone in Philadelphia, but not really to the rest of us. They won some big games, lost even bigger ones (including a winner-takes-all game in Week 17 against the Redskins), and couldn't get any consistency out of QB Eagles, something we always take for granted before Week 1.

Dallas couldn't pull out the .500 record despite all of our opium-filled optimism, while Phoenix fell valiantly short of their 4-12 prognostication even after a 2-game win streak to close out the year.

NFC Central
Minnesota lost 37-0 in Week 1 to Chicago, and apparently that was all the fire they needed to rail off 11 wins in a row and be the first to plant a flag in their division championship. Since then, they've been one weird loss after another and doing a cartoonish stumble into the playoffs. We couldn't have gotten this division more wrong, erroneously predicting a strong finish by Chicago and Minnesota backing into the playoffs. Green Bay was the closest we got, and even that looks remarkably off. Nobody's ever been happier about a tie than Green Bay, as it kept them in and Chicago out after they both won in Week 17. They'll hope to out-duel the Rams and meet the Vikings in divisional play to get a measure of revenge.

We were a bit more hopeful for Detroit than we should have been, and even their 4-12 record surprises us after some of the jaw-dropping numbers Rodney Peete put up. Tampa Bay kept things interesting, holding on to a spot on the NFC bubble until Week 16 -- the longest they've ever been in the playoff picture until they dropped the creamsicle and Vinny Testaverde was playing back-up to University of Georgia alum and Rogaine spokesperson, Eric Zeier.

NFC West

The Los Angeles Rams and San Francisco 49ers combined for all 17 weeks leading the division, with the Rams leading the 49ers 11 weeks to 6. Of course, the eleventh week didn't come until the very last one, where Los Angeles pounded their way through the NFC West wall like Doomsday sniffing out Superman, taking the 49ers unawares. While everyone predicted a 49ers playoff berth, we were the most clueless with our pessimistic 6-10 guess for the Rams.

Both teams have big playoff match-ups this weekend against teams that certainly match up against their abilities well. The 49ers and Giants were both surprised by their depositions, but won't have time to cry in their beers when they duke it out. The Rams take on an unpredictably wild Packers team and a formidable foe in Don Majkowski. It'll be a game of who shows up against who, as both have shown to be offensive juggernauts, while also showing a bit of defensive retardation from time to time.

Atlanta was its normal pesky self, finishing with 6 wins, while the Saints came close to median as well. Yeah, we got nothing on these two anymore.


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So there you go. No more playoff calculating; no more flamboyant previews of games between irrelevant teams that wind up reading about as interesting as nutrition facts on a box of crackers. Right now, each game counts: win, you move on; lose, you're out, waiting nervously for the next undetermined time someone hits 'Season Game' on their Tecmo cartridge.

Wild Card weekend should prove to be just that, friends: Wild. With teams like Cincinnati and the Rams getting involved, we could be seeing deserving men like David Fulcher or Bern Brostek holding up the Lombardi. Of course, there's the more probable conclusion in which we see Dan Marino or Warren Moon slugging it out with QB Bills while San Francisco eats sourdough sandwiches on their next walk to the Tecmo Bowl. Nevertheless, faithful followers, we'll keep you in on the action until that fateful day we've all been waiting for, the day when we get to toast an Old Style to graphic designers Y. Mizushima and M. Mizuta during the end credits for gracing us with a game worthy of a twenty-something blogging about during his break in gainful employment.

Cheers!

Week Sixteen: Jumping the Wall

There's usually a lot to be said about teams that make it this far into the season and still have a glimmer of hope. No so much anymore; with only four teams clinching playoff berths, there's still a total of 15 more looking to join the party. Week 16 usually proves to be the wall that most of these teams hit and wind up sliding back down in defeat, with only a few leaping over to look forward to Week 17 glory.

1:00 Games

N.Y. Jets (4-10) at New England (3-11)

The Jets survive another game to stay ahead of New England in the junior varsity class of the AFC East. Ken O.Brien was the silent warrior, with only 105 passing yards, but his zero picks to Steve Grogan's 2 explain the small margin with which they won. John Stephens tried his best to keep his Pats in it with 11 rushes for 139 yards, but naturally New England's proclivity for putrid play makes me want to both vomit and write alliterations.

Final Score: Jets 17, Patriots 13

Green Bay (7-6-1) at Detroit (4-10)

Don Majkowski did his best to knock his own team out of the playoff hunt with 3 interceptions, but his brilliance was too hard to hold down. He threw for 240 yards, 167 of them to Sterling Sharpe, while Chris Jacke booted a late field goal to wreck a nice day for Barry Sanders, who had 132 yards on just 7 runs. We like the Packers to go far if they can get in, but if they can't, we'll try to be at least 100 miles away from Bob Nelson at all times.

Final Score: Packers 20, Lions 17

N.Y. Giants (10-4) at Washington (8-6)

The Redskins win a huge late-season divisional battle at home behind Earnest Byner's 90 rushing yards and Mark Rypien's standard perfect passing day. The Giants' offense was stifled with a combined 229 total combined yards, but the fact that they still scored 21 points has the rest of the division cowering under their security blankets. Washington takes a huge leap in the playoff wild card race, and can clinch a spot with an Eagles loss.

Final Score: Redskins 28, Giants 21

Pittsburgh (5-9) at Cincinnati (7-7)

Although most of us had our hands on the Bengals' life support, they just continue winning. They make fools of Pittsburgh in this one, with Boomer Esiason and Eddie Brown providing a one-two punch to keep the Steelers reeling. Depending on what happens the rest of the afternoon, the Bengals could be facing a clinching scenario next week against New England. Usually when we see 'Bengals' and 'clinching' together, it's in regards to a certain bodily function, and not playoff positioning.

Final Score: Bengals 24, Steelers 3

Another sunny day in Phoenix, and Denver's still frozen

Denver (8-6) at Phoenix (1-13)

Well, it happened. We knew that talent like Timm Rosenbach and Johnny Johnson couldn't be held to just one win, and they get their second here in a big way. Denver picked the wrong time to throw away a win to a non-contending team, as they may now be forced to back their way into the playoffs. Unfortunately, using the back door anywhere in Colorado usually leads to things that cannot be unseen.

Final Score: Cardinals 30, Broncos 21

Dallas (6-8) at Philadelphia (8-6)

The Cowboys lose what meager hopes they had for a spot in the playoffs at the expense of a divisional foe moving one step closer. The Eagles win here, setting up what may be the game of the week next week when they take on Washington for a wild card spot or, if something incredibly wild happens with the Giants, a division title. QB Eagles was brilliantly perfect with 237 yards and 0 picks, while Keith Byars had 146 all-purpose yards, and we think Philly may suddenly be one of the scarier teams going into the final week.

Final Score: Eagles 38, Cowboys 23

Which basically means he needs a new microcontroller

Kansas City (5-9) at San Francisco (10-4)

The Chiefs pull off what many teams much better than them couldn't do, and that was to halt the San Francisco 49ers in their tracks after a 9-game win streak. They went up by 17 points, only to have the 49ers come back to tie after Barry Word went out. But by returning the favor in knocking Roger Craig out, along with a late field goal by Nick 'The Kick' Lowery, the Chiefs followed through on their promise to do something worth their inclusion in this year's NFL season. The 49ers' run to another division title is stalled for the time being.

Final Score: Chiefs 20, 49ers 17

Miami (9-5) at San Diego (9-5)

The Dolphins clinch a wild card spot with the win here, but more importantly they keep the AFC West from being a watchable division by holding off the Chargers' championship party. Dan Marino threw for 232 yards, while Billy Joe only had 147 and 2 picks. At one point, the game was 29-0 in the fourth quarter, until the entire Miami team, coaching staff, trainers and water boys all went to Six Flags. And San Diego could still only muster 21 points after that.

Final Score: Dolphins 29, Chargers 21

L.A. Raiders (7-7) at New Orleans (6-8)

The Saints are out of it with the NFC East sweeps, but still manage to beat up on a punchless team in the Los Angeles Raiders. With still very much to play for, the Raiders instead send out their surly half and can't do enough to keep New Orleans from scoring the late touchdown to win. Steve Walsh had a 75% completion rate with 209 yards and 0 interceptions, and we're suddenly believers in a reality television show called QB swap, in which Walsh finally brings the Tecmo Raiders to a Super Bowl appearance.

Final Score: Saints 31, Raiders 24

4:00 Games

Seattle (8-6) at Atlanta (5-9)

The Seahawks take advantage of the San Diego loss to pull into a first-place tie heading into Week 17 with a huge 14-point comeback in the 4th quarter. Atlanta led in all major offensive categories, with 101 rushing yards and Miller tossing up 210 yards with a 78% completion rate, but Seattle still leads in weird programming glitches that allows them to always be the instigator in the AFC West dogfight each year.

Final Score: Seahawks 24, Falcons 21

Levy caught without his Bills sweater on Championship Day?

Indianapolis (5-9) at Buffalo (10-3-1)

The Bills already nabbed the bye week with the San Diego loss, but with the formulaic win here against Indy they also steal the division championship from Miami. After trailing the Dolphins for much of the year, Buffalo has gotten hot at the right time with QB Bills tossing 240 yards and Thurman Thomas rushing for a robust 10 yards per carry. Just as we were about to say it, we noticed that another round of 'F*** the Bills' t-shirts were being printed for the 15,000th time since Tecmo's release.

Final Score: Bills 35, Colts 10

Tampa Bay (6-8) at Chicago (7-7)

Probably too little, too late, the Bears take care of business at home against a tough Tampa Bay squad, as Neal Anderson ran up and down for 132 yards on 13 carries while also finding time to pull in 161 receiving yards on 7 grabs. While we know any team would hate to see Anderson in the playoffs, they need about 90% of the NFC to lose next week to back in, and that's even with the Fridge leading the charge.

Final Score: Bears 31, Buccaneers 10

Houston (11-3) at Cleveland (6-8)

The Oilers take one step closer to clinching home field with this divisional win against Cleveland. Although the Oilers' defensive star shone brightly with 3 picks of QB Browns, it appears Warren Moon has gotten himself polished up nicely for the postseason with 413 passing yards and 0 picks. Houston has had a quietly dominant season, but we're looking forward to seeing what they can do against teams that aren't sucky enough to push away even pixellated Tecmo fans from their stadium.

Final Score: Oilers 45, Browns 21

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So it appears those candy canes were more potent than I thought, and I somehow woke up mid-week after the post-Christmas festivities that mostly included sugar cookies and Old Milwaukee. Therefore, we have a rare Wednesday night football contest leading up to Week 17 between the Minnesota Vikings and Los Angeles Rams. Will we see the Vikings roll to another win after clinching the all-important home field advantage in the playoffs? Or will we see the Rams take advantage of a huge 49ers loss and pull within one game with one to go? The Rams lost control of the race mid-way through the season, but could come back in a big way with a win at home against the league-best Vikings. Although we heard the Vikings were tough, we also heard Wade Wilson mistake Jim Everett for a star female tennis player, which doesn't bode well for them or their tables covered in Gatorade cups.

Looking Ahead: Week Seven

It's week seven, and we're all high in Tecmo heaven by now. I'm not going to try and fool you all into thinking that there isn't a slight stale taste to this season at times, but we've already come so far. And if we're already this balls-deep in analyzing match-ups, possible playoff scenarios, and Burt Grossman sightings at the Brass Rail, we might as well finish this loaf before going on to the next, fresh, hot from the oven taste of the next Tecmo season. It's not strange to have these feelings in the midst of bye week hell, but put your trust in me, my fellow Tecmoers, for I will not lead you astray.

This Sunday will showcase games in which the Giants will look for their fourth consecutive win to go above .500 for the first time this year, while the 49ers chase their first win after four consecutive losses. One of the big early games, however, will be the L.A. Raiders heading up the coast to Seattle to play the current division leaders in the Seahawks. L.A. has silently been creeping up the standings, and with a win in Seattle they'll have gone from worst to potentially first in just four games. I'm not usually the superstitious type, but I would be remiss in not mentioning that the Raiders' win streak strangely coincided with the arrival of my 'Bo Knows Tecmo' shirt...just saying...

And my shameless plugging continues on...

Indianapolis has had a rough go of it since surprisingly winning their first two of three games this year and teetering in first place for an entire week. They've now lost three in a row and are in danger of a fourth when Buffalo rides into town. Although the season's been rife with some astounding upsets so far this year, we aren't so naive to think that the Colts stand an iota of a chance in a one-on-one match-up with QB Bills and Co. Therefore, if the Colts do somehow manage to pull this one out at home, we may have to give them a special trophy in exchange for their forfeiture of the rest of the season. Otherwise, they'll just have to go to Buffalo for the inevitable rematch only to get stomped on, killing the buzz worse than that time Mom forgot to knock.

212.7 is also his rating for 'girls picked up at the bar'

The Rams are back from a bye, up against another division leader in the Chargers. We're hoping L.A. hasn't lost their steam, as we're pretty sure Tom Rathman is beefing up for a big comeback, but the Chargers have been a tricky foe so far this year. With both starting RBs out for each team, it may end up being Jim Everett vs. B.J. Tolliver, in which there is really no contest. Everett's passer rating is good for first in the NFL at 212.7, whereas Tolliver barely registers in the top two quadrants.

The afternoon game schedule is a bit shortened with 6 teams on bye weeks, but there's no shortage of excitement! /hyperbole...Kansas City invites the Dolphins to town, needing to get back on the winning track. Miami, on the other hand, will see what happens in Indianapolis before taking the field, knowing that a win must be in the cards to keep pace. Meanwhile, Philadelphia will send a team out to the field that may or may not include someone with the last name 'Eagles' when they travel to N'awlins to take on the fading Saints. And finally, Phoenix hitches their apple wagon on to Johnny Johnson and rides north to Minnesota for the first of two games against the Vikings in three weeks. We're still unsure if it's due to some sort of scheduling SNAFU, or if the NFL was somewhat hoping they'd try to out-reverse each other enough times to reverse out of the league altogether.

Physical Condition: Usually between 'Bad' and 'Vegetative'

And then, all our rowdy friends get together in Houston to watch the Ken O.Brien show battle the Oilers, a team that lost their bid as the only undefeated team last week. Houston usually loses their flair after going 5-0 each year, but with a favorable match-up here they should hold off Bubby Brister's squared jaw while holding on to the Central crown for at least another week. The Jets have been just a shade above horrible so far this year, with few redeeming qualities. They're 28th in total defense, which means any combination of Lorenzo White/Warren Moon will lead to a quick funeral on the national stage for New York. If it's held before Al Toon's memorial, however, we admit we'd be a little surprised.

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for....ASTERISKS!!!!****!*!*!*!!!!

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AFC

NFC

Byes: Denver Broncos, New England Patriots, Chicago Bears, Green Bay Packers, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Detroit Lions

Week Four: Pretenders in Peril

A quarter of the season will be completed by the end of this page, and we'll have an even better notion of that infamous split between contenders and pretenders. So far there have been some exciting bursts by the undefeated Chargers, the untested Browns, and the undeniably gross but charming Colts. However, the Bills are storming back while the 49ers are ready to pounce on the division-leading Rams. And in the Monday Night Football competition, the L.A. Raiders and Atlanta Falcons are simply trying to avoid a 0-0 tie, which is the over-under right now in Vegas. Who's got the gas to turn the page on the first quarter of the season and keep going? Find out if those early season underdogs are for real, or if they are puttering pretenders in peril.

1:00 Games

Like two brothers in the backseat of a long car ride,
but marginally more agitating

Pittsburgh (1-2) at Philadelphia (2-1)

The battle for Pennsylvania bragging rights is about as rewarding as winning a coffee mug with your company's logo tattooed on it at the end of the year raffle, but the Eagles claim those rights fair and square here with a decisive win over the Steelers. While the mystery of QB Eagles' disappearing ground game rages on, his 295 passing yards more than makes up for his inability to surpass Keith Byars' team-leading 30 rushing yards. Philadelphia moves to within a half game of the Washington Rypiens.

Final Score: Eagles 34, Steelers 7

New England (1-2) at Houston (3-0)

New England was looking to ride a one-game winning streak into Houston for another victory, but unfortunately for them, they ran into the three-game undefeated streak of Warren Moon and the Oilers. Grogan's Patriots hung on for as long as they could, but giving up 14 unanswered points in the 4th quarter was a poor decision on Coach Dick MacPherson's part. Warren Moon passed for over 250 yards, but it was his 46 rushing yards on the day that really tells the story of where New England may have gone wrong.

Final Score: Oilers 31, Patriots 28

Kansas City (2-1) at Seattle (2-1)

In the first of a big AFC West double-header, the Chiefs traveled to Seattle to loosen up a big logjam in the division. It was the Seahawks, however, that broke away in this one with a tight victory to rectify their poor performance last week. Though Dave Krieg and Steve De Berg only combined for 340 yards passing, they lucked out in the fact that it wasn't a nationally televised game this time, and we can only hope the final score meant that it was an exciting and hard-fought affair between bitter division rivals.

Final Score: Seahawks 20, Chiefs 17

Tecmo's theorem leads us to believe that when an opposing
team catches more passes than your own, the end result
is usually a wildly embarrassing defeat

Denver (2-1) at San Diego (3-0)

After a convincing win last week, Denver visited the sunny southern California town of San Diego in this afternoon's second AFC West showdown, and promptly tore the Chargers a new one. The Broncos controlled the game from the first quarter on, shutting San Diego out after only one touchdown. While John Elway was his normally proficient self, Billy Joe Tolliver far and away exceeded all expectations of an undefeated quarterback who was desperate for some cold, dirty cash with his three interceptions and 15 total yards passing.

Final Score: Broncos 28, Chargers 7

Cincinnati (1-2) at Washington (3-0)

The Tecmo Bowl's third undefeated team, the Washington Redskins, invited the woefully mediocre Bengals to town, and immediately laid a stinkier egg than one found underneath Dad's recliner, eight months after Easter. Cincinnati didn't score in the second half, but apparently didn't have to as the Redskins failed to score the appropriate amount of points to win the game. James Brooks was the hero for the Bengals with 99 rushing yards on twelve attempts, and while the Redskins walked away losers, Mark Rypien still didn't throw an interception, so there's that.

Final Score: Bengals 17, Redskins 14

Minnesota (2-1) at New Orleans (1-2)

Craig Heyward goes out in the third quarter, plugging a few more nails in the coffin of not only this game for the Saints, but most likely their season. The Vikings' backs combine for 113 rushing yards on 16 attempts, good for about $64M worth of Herschel Walker's contract. Minnesota is on the rise quickly after their ugly shutout to the Bears in Week One, but their knack for choking down the stretch is about as famous as Rick Fenney's white-collar crime career.

Final Score: Vikings 27, Saints 10

Miami (2-1) at Green Bay (2-1)

The Dolphins are the second losers from the AFC East today, making it more and more inevitable that the Bills will nudge their way back into first place. Don Majkowski was less than magical with two picks, but his ability to throw for more than the 22 yards that Tony Paige racked up against the Packers defense was apparently enough to save Green Bay and keep pace within the NFC Central clusterfudge.

Final Score: Packers 27, Dolphins 14

As always, Colossal Letdowns Everyday will never
overcome Greatness In Action

Cleveland (2-1) at New York Giants (0-3)

A good cure for any ailing team, the Browns pulled into the Big Apple, and then swiftly pulled out before getting Phil Simms pregnant by losing the all-important fourth quarter battle. Tied going into the final frame, New York finally put some real offense on display, scoring 17 unanswered points. Cleveland abandoned their effective running game early, and in the end Kevin Mack ended up with more receiving yards than rushing, which is never a formula for success.

Final Score: Giants 38, Browns 21

4:00 Games

Buffalo (2-1) at Tampa Bay (1-2)

The Buccaneers just fell short in this one, scoring 14 points in the 4th quarter. Unfortunately, the head start of 28 they gave the Bills may have been just a touch too many, and it probably wouldn't be exaggerating to say that the 175 yards rushing they allowed to Thurman Thomas sealed this season's death certificate. Buffalo rides into first place, and with a Detroit upset of Indianapolis (let that one sink in for a while), there they will ride alone for more than likely the remainder of the season.

Final Score: Bills 28, Buccaneers 17

Like an aged wine, seeing the 49ers lose is better with
cheese and a good helping of Willie Anderson

San Francisco (1-2) at L.A. Rams (2-1) 

All eyes were on Los Angeles for this marquee match-up of what many saw as a contender (the 49ers) and a pretender (the Rams). The lines fizzled even more, however, when the Rams pulled away in the fourth quarter to take a decisive lead in their division over San Francisco. Jim Everett played like a man in charge of his own destiny, with 329 passing yards and an 85% completion rate. There's still plenty of time for this magical Rams season to implode and for the 49ers to rip out our hearts again, so that's why I'm steeling myself with military-grade armor and locking myself into my underground nuclear fallout shelter.

Final Score: Rams 28, 49ers 17

Phoenix (0-3) at Dallas (2-1)

The redbirds of the southwest squander their chances at a first win by letting Dallas score twice in the fourth quarter. Modern Tecmo score-reading would suggest that Timm Rosenbach's inability to connect with his own receivers and Emmitt Smith's capability to run all the way across Texas and back for 152 yards were the deciding factors of this game, but I like to buck tradition and say that the Cardinals just plain suck, and couldn't win even if they traveled into the future, cloned Johnny Johnson ten more times, and ran every play inside the red zone.

Final Score: Cowboys 24, Cardinals 14

New York Jets (1-2) at Chicago (2-1)

This inter-conference match-up had about as much appeal as a half-filled bottle of Fanta in the trunk of my car, but in the end it's a game I wish I'd actually watched. It was a game of contradictions, with winning quarterback Jim Harbaugh lobbing up 3 interceptions. It was a game of incredible grit, ending in overtime with a rare touchdown. And finally, it was a game where Neal Anderson rushed 17 times for 286 yards, and where Jets' defensive coordinator Pete Carroll was seen on the sidelines with a noticeable chocolate-brown oval on the seat of his pants.

Final Score: Bears 34, Jets 28 (Overtime)

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Tonight will be our final night of NBC's Football Night in America until the bye weeks are over in Week 11. Before you start moping around the house and letting your bills pile up, please be aware that this is for our collective good, as too much Tecmo can lead to an unfulfilled addiction and violent withdrawals during the rest of the week. Also, it will keep us from having more chances to witness debacles like tonight's match-up of the combined 0-6 Los Angeles Raiders and Atlanta Falcons. While Chris Miller is certain to throw for 45 yards and 3 picks, we at The Tecmo Bowl are still unsure how the Raiders plan to use what should be an unstoppable tandem of Bo Jackson and Marcus Allen. The fact that Los Angeles is still 0-3 with these guys alarms us to no end. We're hoping for Raiders fans to black out the Georgia Dome with these 'Bo Knows Tecmo' shirts (available from the Tecmo Repository), so that Art Shell will limit the possibility of Jay Schroeder throwing his team away into obscurity.

If only I had this fashion sense in high school, I could
have substituted swirlies with quiet, sympathetic glances

Yours truly

Monday Night Football: New York Giants vs. L.A. Rams

Tonight:Phil Simms vs Jim "Don't call me Chris!" Everett

I don't usually get surprised by things easily, but when I looked at this match-up and then immediately heard that the same two franchises were playing tonight on Actual Monday Night Football (2011 version), I have to admit I was a little taken aback. However, I shouldn't be surprised by too much lately after the events that transpired this week: a Buffalo loss, followed by a San Francisco loss, followed by a Tampa Bay win. While a win by the Rams over the Giants can't really be classified as an "upset", the fact that L.A. would be 2-0 and alone as a division leader, and the Giants would be in the bottom of the NFC East does say something about my abilities to pick unique simulated Tecmo seasons.


Quarter One
David Meggett is the kick returner today, and he takes the ball all the way to the Los Angeles 48-yard line. Apparently in 1991 they made you kick off from behind the goal post. Either way, Meggett is the early star with two hand-offs that net a total of 3 yards. However, from 3rd and 7, Meggett is entrusted to get the 7+ yards needed for a 1st down, and he nets 8 for what's called a successful third-down conversion. Not done with his vainglory, Meggett is the intended receiver for an 18-yard Phil Simms pass that is good for the first touchdown, capping a successful drive for the Giants of New York.

New York leads 7-0

Snagging the kick at his own 12-yard line, Los Angeles' own Gaston Green takes the ball out to the 22-yard line for quarterback Jim Everett, not to be confused with professional female tennis player and sack-avoiding Chris Evert. Everett shows off the arm he worked in the off-season for a 44-yard connection to 'Fast' Willie Anderson, and then rushes to the sideline to powerbomb Jim Rome through a table covered in empty Gatorade cups. As he's doing this, Curt Warner (the one who didn't win a Superbowl with the Rams) lumbers for a 15-yard gain due to the Giants' distraction. New York's defense quickly gets back to work, however, when they bat away an Everett pass and then sack him for a 9-yard loss. Coach John Robinson then calls for a deep pass, but when the ball is snapped, Everett squeals and lobs it to Cleveland Gary, who nets a total of 2 yards, leading the Rams to what is called a fourth-down situation. Mike Lansford is on to boot a field goal from 36 yards out to get Los Angeles on the board.

Hide your kids, hide your quarterbacks

New York leads 7-3

Meggett successfully gets the ball out to the Rams' 48 yard line once again, and the Giants have yet to call a play on their own end of the field. Despite this, a failed Meggett run and two Fred Strickland sacks eventually do push the Giants back into their own field, and Sean Landeta is on to boot the ball for a touchback.

Quarter Two
Gary and Warner both combine for a 9-yard effort, and on 3rd and 1 Warner is stuffed for no gain. Somewhere, irony aficionados are taking note of how Curt Warner ended his career as a grocery store bagger shortly after this game.

In Tecmo, you may only see this type of play
one out of every three snaps

Meggett disappoints fickle New Yorkers everywhere when he only gets the ball to the Giants' 34 yard line. While Stephen Baker's 10-yard catch is mildly impressive to some, most others will probably remember the Mark Ingram snag for a 56-yard catch-and-run to paydirt.

New York leads 14-3

The Pride of Los Angeles, Gaston Green, ducks and weaves to the Rams' 46-yard line to start the drive with just over 2 minutes remaining in the half. Everett shows off his scrambling abilities on the next play for a 4-yard gain, and then shows off his football-lobbing talents with a 50-yard pass to a 'Leaping' Willie Anderson to make a game of this contest.

New York leads 14-10

The Giants start at their own 48-yard line, to a small chorus of boos from the visiting crowd. Their ineptitude is never more apparent when they decide to hand the ball off to Ottis Anderson, but his ability to run for 30 yards is worthy of a few 'OOOOOOOO-TTIIIIIISSSSS' chants. With 48 seconds left, coach Ray Handley pulls out his trump card and calls another Ottis Anderson run. When that fails miserably, there is just enough time for Matt Bahr to get his name in the score book with a 26-yard chip shot heading into halftime.

New York leads 17-10

Halftime - Giants 17, Rams 10

Willie knows football

Quarter Three
Los Angeles' Native Son, Gaston Green, returns the kick from the goal line for a robust 38 yards. Warner is allowed a 20-yard run before Everett lobs it up to 'Trusty' Willie Anderson to quickly and delightfully tie this one up.

Score tied 17-17

A huge boot from Lansford is taken out of the end zone by Meggett, who lands a de facto touchback when he's tackled at the New York 20-yard line. Popular amongst fellow tow-heads, Phil Simms takes the field to nobody's notice. He further fades away into obscurity after a hand off to Anderson that loses 5 yards, despite an audible cheer from the Giants fans in attendance. This becomes clearer when, on the sidelines, Jeff Hostetler is caught knowingly flexing his buttocks. Even Los Angeles seems enamored with this semi-erotic gesture, and they allow Anderson to make up his loss and then some with a 25-yard scamper. Two plays and another 5-yard Anderson loss later, however, it's 3rd and 15. Although the situation doesn't sound promising, to Giants fans everywhere it's better than the 4th-and-20 they now face after a lateral pass to Anderson is picked for a loss of five.

Landeta, who'd been flexing his own buttocks on the sidelines, shows off the after-affects with a 60-yard punt for a touchback. Cleveland Gary, whom repeatedly swears that he's never been to Cleveland, gets a 12-yard run for some breathing room. Henry Ellard gets involved on the next play with a huge snag to flip the field at the Giants' 30 yard line. Two plays later and the Rams face a pivotal 3rd and 20 situation. Although a pitch to Warner gains only 9 yards, the quarter ends with Lansford warming up on the sidelines for a 50-yard boot.

The ever-popular Lansford pose, imitated by the likes of
Hulk Hogan and disco lovers

Quarter Four
The suspenseful wait is worth it all when Lansford puts the Rams in the lead for the first time in the game.

Los Angeles leads 20-17

With 4:26 left to go, New York starts at their own 13. Phil Simms comes out facing a long field ahead of him, but with the sure hands of Mark Ingram and Mark Bavaro at his disposal, he deserves the NFL Films music that will surely accompany this drive. It all starts with a Dave Meggett 18-yard run, followed up by a hustling Ottis Anderson for a huge 50-yarder that gets the Anaheim Coliseum's crew sharpening their daggers for the after-game gift. Although the Giants' offense is stalled on a Los Angeles blitz, Anderson does a tight-rope run along the sidelines for the remaining 23 yards to a touchdown.

New York leads 24-20

The Vegas-sounding 'Disappearing Holohan' was always
a controversial figure in professional sports

With under three minutes to go, it would seem that the Rams have all the time they need so long as Matt Bahr only kicks it 50 yards. And so that he does, and Los Angeles starts the most important drive of their young season at their own 42 down by four. Gary takes two straight pitches, and on the second one he's got a wide open field in front of him for a 27-yard gain. Warner gets some more work in before his shift at Hornbacher's, and then Everett takes to the air once more with a 23-yard toss to Notre Dame-alum Pete Holohan. With just over a minute to go, the Rams suddenly find themselves at the New York 2-yard line and an all-important victory in their sights. They make the situation that much-more unbelievable when they give it to Warner for the go-ahead touchdown.

Los Angeles leads 27-24

A beautiful Lansford boot gets the Giants stuffed at their own 19 with just 53 seconds left to win or tie it up. With all of the world watching, Mike Wilcher cashes in his fifteen minutes with a huge 10-yard sack to put the Giants at their own 9 and forcing them to take their final time-out. The next play is out of the shotgun, with Simms standing in the shadow of his own goal post. His daring, and later-deemed 'controversial' pitch to Meggett somehow proves fruitful, as he gains 47 yards to the Los Angeles 44-yard line. With only 11 seconds to go and needing to get into Bahr range, Simms' dim-witted, and later-deemed 'Steve Walsh-like' re-hash of the same Meggett pitch only gets 2 yards and that's all she wrote from Los Angeles.

Final - Rams 27, Giants 24

It will take a lot of convincing, but I'll be hard-pressed to find a reason why tonight's actual MNF display of Giants v. Rams will be better than Tecmo's version they put on here. The Giants were strong at first, with good helpings of Ottis Anderson and long catch-and-run by Mark Ingram, while the Rams were their usual hapless but lovable selves, until they exploded in the second half. There were hardly any shades of Frank Reich here, nevertheless Jim Everett's efforts to bring the Rams from sure defeat to glorious victory is commendable, even though we're seeing him before his inevitable breakdown beginning in Week 6. It will be hard to put this entertaining week of Tecmo football behind us, but we'll forge through anyway in the hopes of seeing some more 'C'urt Warner-type heroics before season's end.