Divisional Playoffs: Quadruple Header, II

With our last quadruple header such an unmitigated success, we thought we'd go with round 2 and bring you our next slate of 4 games in the Tecmo 1992 playoffs. Last week, we watched with either unbridled excitement or suds-drowning defeat as the Bills, Chargers, 49ers and Cowboys all advanced to fight again this weekend. Meanwhile, the teams that hit the exit ramp (Steelers, Jets, Saints and Bears) all provided their share of excitement during the season but were ultimately not ready to carry the heavy burden of being a Tecmo Bowl-worthy team. We'll cull our field to the final four today, and though we'll undoubtedly make some memories along the way, those memories will only last as long as the next game is played. Who will survive to their respective conference's championship next weekend? Let's get to our team on the ground.

4 Buffalo Bills (12-5) at 2 Houston Oilers (10-6)

The Bills not only entered this game hot off the heels of their eight consecutive win, but also with a bit of a chip on their shoulders. After streaking into and through the playoffs last year, they were effectively bounced out by the Oilers en route to their Tecmo Bowl Championship. Thurman Thomas' late-season injury hurt his MVP chances, however his return last week has immensely helped his team's chances in the Championship. They'll see what their chances are against a Houston team with a reputation of a sleeping monster.

Much like last week, the Bills ran out to a quick start behind Jim Kelly's unpredictable arm and Thurman Thomas grinding the grass. Unlike last week, they wouldn't bait the Oilers into building back their hopes. The defending champions headed into halftime with a goose egg on the scoreboard, and their fortunes wouldn't change outside of a garbage time touchdown.

Buffalo heads into their second consecutive Conference Championship, though this time on the advantage of a hot streak unseen in any other blogged Tecmo season. With a back that runs 100+ yards and a surprising defense that held the potent Houston team to under 200 yards, this particular Buffalo Tecmo team has destiny on their side.

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4 San Francisco 49ers (11-6) at 2 Atlanta Falcons (12-4)

Last year, this would have been a glamorous match-up for the 49ers, another walk-over on their way to a sure-fire championship. It's a new season, however, one that saw Atlanta put the screws to their divisional big brothers on two occasions. Due to the strength of the Wild NFC West, the Niners were threatened with the foreign concept of being on the outside looking in come postseason time. Thanks to a series of fortunate events, San Francisco squeaked in just in time to bounce out the Saints, whose apparent fatigue from pretending all season long got the best of them. Atlanta is not New Orleans, however, taking over the West in the last quarter of the season. Now it's just a matter of whether or not momentum will be their enemy.

Momentum found a friend in Jerry Rice, who took a wide open pass in stride to score on the opening play of the game. Normally a tempo-setting play for the 49ers, it was not to be as San Francisco soon found themselves victim to the arm of Chris Miller. The unsung hero of the dirty birds found weapons all over the field, from football card favorite Andre Rison to the humble Harper Lebel. San Francisco kept it close to halftime, but with the ball being kicked to Atlanta at the beginning of the third quarter, it was going to be a difficult feat to play catch-up.

The 49ers brought the margin to 3 on three separate occasions, however they couldn't take advantage of the few mistakes Atlanta afforded them. Only ahead by three, Miller was driving Atlanta down for another touchdown, though a costly interception led to Young being saddled with the chance to drive his team to a win. A fumble by Mike Sherrard in the 49ers' red zone, however, would turn out to be the microcosm of their entire day.

And so the Falcons stay undefeated against San Francisco this season, and the Niners go home victims of their second sudden and crushing divisional loss in a row.

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3 San Diego (11-6) at 1 Miami (11-4-1)

Miami took the Number 1 seed in one of the weakest conferences in memory, though it wasn't by sneaking in any back doors. The Dolphins finished the season ranked first in the power rankings after railing off 5 wins in their last 6 games. San Diego, another division champion, is the opposite of everything Miami represents, dropping 4 of their last 5 while seemingly attempting to give up a division they all-but clinched halfway through the season. The Chargers advanced last week, but didn't come off any more intimidating after winning behind the shaky leg of their kicker in overtime.

The Dolphins started the game off pretty hot, with Bobby Humphrey coming off the IR to carry his team's opening kickoff to the opponent's 23-yard line. Quarterback Dan Marino looked as efficient as ever, threading the needle to a covered Mark Duper to go up by a quick score. Unlike last week, however, San Diego responded in turn with an 80-yard flea flicker from Stan Humphries to Anthony Miller. The two teams entered halftime knotted up at 10, but by then it was clear which team had control over the game.

Starting in the 3rd quarter, it was all San Diego behind the Stan Humphries show. Postseason darling a year ago, Humphries finally showed the type of leadership to lead another Cinderella team deep into the postseason with two long bombs to Nate Lewis to lock up a Championship spot next week in the hostile Miami territory.

Though the Chargers didn't leave much to get excited about toward the end of the season, they've appeared to start rallying behind the man that fell a failed onside kick short of a Tecmo Bowl Championship last season. This year, he's not only got the advantage of capable receivers but also the unpredictable legs of Rod Bernstine, secret weapon in Marion Butts, and a silent but deadly defense that not only picked one of the league's lowest interception-throwers 3 times, but also held a dominant offense to just 96 total yards.



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6 Dallas Cowboys (11-6) at 1 Philadelphia Eagles (12-4)

These two teams know each other well, and though the Eagles finished out a bit hotter than the Cowboys it was a fair toss-up as to who would come out the victors in this contest. Having split the season series, the tiebreaker arose here with a win-or-go-home mentality all over this mother. Dallas beat up on Chicago pretty well last weekend behind their multidimensional offense, though the Philadelphia offense they would face posed a few more difficulties than the Moles of the Midway.

The Cowboys got a taste of their enemy early after going three-and-out to open the game, followed by an offensive attack led by cast-off back Herschel Walker. Perhaps a bit peeved after coming up 2 yards short of a Tecmo Bowl appearance with the Vikings last season, Walker walked, ran and caught all over the Dallas defense, putting his team up quickly. By halftime, the Eagles were up by 12 behind not only Walker's prowess but the effectiveness of their special teams and defense, who scored a safety of Troy Aikman.

Philadelphia's dominance continued into the second half, despite losing Walker to injury. With a chance to let up, the Eagles continued to pour it on to perhaps send a message to the waiting Falcons. We predicted this match-up for the NFC Championship with slightly different results, though we couldn't be more excited for Conference Championship weekend.

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Wild Card Weekend: Quadruple Header

For the first time in The Tecmo Bowl's history 4 games will be covered in one day, once again highlighting your faithful writers' dedication to this great and selfless endeavor. Eight teams will collide in an orgy of Tecmo not seen since last Saturday night in your best friend's neighbor's basement. The results will still be the same; empty pizza boxes, drained beer cans and broken hearts as we'll bid farewell to 4 teams all in one fell swoop. As with most wild card showdowns, there are a few intriguing match-ups containing teams that fought tooth and nail to get here. Unfortunately for those teams, the fumes they're currently riding on are running clearer and clearer with every drive. Will teams like the Steelers and Jets survive into their divisional rounds? Can the Saints and Cowboys regain their early season magic before it's too late? Let's rip this band-aid off and find out.

5 Pittsburgh Steelers (9-7) at 4 Buffalo Bills (11-5)

The Bills have been the hottest team in Tecmo, railing off 7 wins to end the season. Perhaps what's been more astonishing is the fact that they've won the last few during that streak without Top-3 rusher Thurman Thomas. Yet now, much to Pittsburgh's soot-filled dismay, Thomas makes his triumphant return just in time to push his team over the threshhold.

Though the return of Thomas caused a few prickly feelings for Coach Cowher and his team, they didn't get here without having a tough defense. Unfortunately, through 3 quarters of play, that defense was apparently lost with the luggage as Thomas ran roughshod over the field. By the time the fourth quarter began, Thomas already had over 100 yards and 3 touchdowns. Pittsburgh, meanwhile, had a safety and just one converted field goal out of two tries from Gary Anderson. But perhaps the biggest headline coming out of the first few periods of play was the fact that Barry Foster, the league's rushing champion, had just one carry for 12 yards.

The 4th quarter told quite a different story, beginning with a 75-yard high-stepper from Foster. A defensive stop later, and O'Donnell found a few other weapons in Dwight Stone and Jeff Graham, the latter of which catching an open pass on the sidelines for a touchdown. A Darren Perry interception of Kelly kept the momentum with Pittsburgh and in less than a minute, Foster was carrying the ball back into the end zone from 30 yards out. While the Tecmo gods seemed to turn their favor towards the men in black and yellow, even they can't control the sands of time, which became Pittsburgh's greatest enemy.

Though blame can be placed anywhere from Gary Anderson's missed field goal being the difference to Neil O'Donnell's costly interception in the red zone during their first drive, we really can't look past the Foster factor. Racking up nearly 150 yards in one quarter is a terrific feat, however it will now become more mootier a point than another inevitable Buffalo championship.

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5 New Orleans Saints (10-6) at 4 San Francisco 49ers (10-6)

The 49ers stole a 4-seed from the Saints during the final week of the season, and now it may be the deciding factor in who walks away the victor and who leaves with a Bayou-sized bullet hole in their chests. Bobby Hebert was godly during the first half of the season, though the bandwagon could only hold so many of the converted before flipping over in a violent mess. The Saints' futility during the second half of the season is well-documented, though San Francisco would have no qualms about adding another chapter in how they defeated their crowned divisional rivals three times in one season.

Tom Rathman returned to the fray, though unlike the return of another quality back, he couldn't convert on many of his opportunities near the goal line, keeping this one close for a while. The real question was whether or not Hebert could come out of his funk just in time for some playoff magic, though the beads stopped raining some time midway through the second quarter when the Ragin' Cajun took a wacky sacky and took a stinger to his finger. There wasn't much to know about his back-up Mike Buck, other than his passes looking like something on a Lucky Charms cereal box, yet he was able to drive the Saints down for their first score. Unfortunately, just before the half San Francisco would score twice unanswered behind two Mike Sherrard completions to put them up 24-7.

The Mike Buck saga would be delayed until the fourth quarter, though the Saints bore some credit for keeping the streaking 49ers silent and picking up a special teams touchdown with a fumble recovery from Tommy Barnhardt at the end of the third.

Down by 10 in the 4th, the Saints hearkened back to the same angels that led Washington over San Francisco in last year's divisional playoffs. Defensive stops alongside miraculous plays from Eric Martin and Craig Heyward nearly recited it play for play, leading to an obvious yet still chest-collapsing final heave from Buck that went over Martin's head by 15 yards.

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6 New York Jets (8-7-1) at 3 San Diego Chargers (10-6)

The Jets came into this contest ranked the lowest of the playoff field, however a well-fought win over the Saints in Week 17 mixed with San Diego's putrid fall from best in the AFC to lowest common denominator suddenly swings this contest in Gang Green's favor. Looking for a wind of change, San Diego came out to the field wearing some classy yellow and blue throwbacks, which lasted about halfway through the second quarter when the Chargers suddenly found themselves down 10-0 despite Browning Nagle not having completed a pass.

Just when the Jets seemed to have this unwatchable mess in their clasps, however, Humphries took his team down the field and capped it off with a touchdown connection to Nate Lewis right before halftime. The momentum carried over into the second half, with Humphries taking advantage of a fatigued Jets defense and scoring on a pass to Marion Butts up the middle to take the lead. Nagle, putting on his boyish game face, completed his first pass of the game just before the fourth quarter, subliminally swinging this game back over to the Jets for the final period of play.

After a sudden infusion of ability, Nagle started looking like a playoff quarterback by threading his passes through the San Diego defense. When his efforts stalled, the Jets went back to the Baxter Factor that made them a success throughout the season, capping off a surgical drive that gave New York the lead. Humphries wasn't made from mud yesterday, however, and was able to channel his own heroics from last season on a 4th-and-25 from his own 18. With a stop, the Jets would ice the game. Unfortunately, the Showboat from Shreveport hit Nate Lewis in stride for a 45-yard connection. Having missed from 39 and 45 earlier, John Carney trotted out and kicked his team into overtime from 55 yards out under the greatest pressure of his life.

A few plays later, Carney brought out his hot foot from 43 and struck it down the middle, graciously ending this stinkbomb.

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6 Dallas Cowboys (10-6) at 3 Chicago Bears (11-5)

Chicago survived to play another day on the strength of their 40-21 beatdown in Week 17 of the very team they'll meet today. The Bears won on all fronts; outstanding special teams, a suffocating defense and the undeniable chemistry between Jim Harbaugh and Tom Waddle. Dallas was certainly caught off guard, setting their sights on a possible division title and winding up barely clinging to a 6-seed. Tonight, they'll surely play with some pissed-off pizzazz as they get the rare treat of exacting vengeance on the team that embarrassed them just 7 nights ago.

Dallas spent exactly 3 minutes trailing Chicago before unleashing Emmitt Smith, held to just under 20 yards a week ago and denied the rushing title, to run downfield. Chicago kept up for the most part, tying Dallas on two occasions behind the bruising running of Brad Muster and Harbaugh's accurate throws. With the opportunity to head into halftime no worse for the wear, Chicago went out for a junk play just 8 seconds before halftime and allowed a 67-yard run by Smith, ultimately breaking their backs and shattering any momentum that they began six quarters prior.

A week ago, Mike Singletary had Troy Aikman looking like a raccoon on the highway behind 4 sacks, including one safety. On this blustery Sunday, Singletary's absence was more noticeable than the sauerkraut in Coach Ditka's mustache as Chicago gave up multiple third-down stops, including a 3rd-and-25 that saw the Bears fall over behind Emmitt Smith's 30 yard run to put Dallas up by 2 scores. Though Chicago made it interesting with the contractual Tom Waddle touchdown and a blistering run from Muster that saw him crash through three defenders at the goal line, they just couldn't keep up with the blazing soles of Emmitt Smith and heat-seeking missiles from Troy Aikman.

Chicago packs up a rather promising season the way they began; victims of their own delusional grandeur. Dallas leaves as the only lower-seed to advance, their targets set on Number-1 seeded Philadelphia.

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Looking Ahead (and Behind): Wild Card Weekend

In a season where heroes were made about as frequently as children in Boomer Esiason's hotel room, we come to a sudden and final closure. The history books still remain un-inked, however, with 12 teams still gunning for the ultimate goal of being the best algorithmically chosen 8-bit team in this blog's entire existence. Though nobody can hit a hole in one with every swing, early season predictions certainly rang true despite how hard Browning Nagle tried to stain the carpet like a dog with an itch on its ass. We can talk about momentum all we want, but the fact of the matter is these are the six best teams from each conference, here to duke it out for the honor of defending their respective conferences in this year's Tecmo Bowl. However, we can't truly deny the fact that the Ragin' Cajun, Bobby Hebert, is playing more like a Limp Gimp lately. A few of our teams will need to regain the magic that boosted them here to begin with, while the others will hope they don't lose anymore of their magic powder along those unseen fissures in the wooden table.

As much as we'll talk about these final 12 in the next few weeks, it would be a shame to close the book without one last glance at the season that was for the remaining unlucky 14. Some of our bedridden fellows have a few fixable items on their list, while others will undergo the painful process of burning their coaches at the stake. It's not our place to determine the remedies for each team; that's their jurisdiction. However, if we had to don our tri-cornered hat and buckled shoes and rally up our pitchforks, we're pretty certain Marty Schottenheimer would have a few scorned glances cast his way.

AFC East
It's always a bit too simple sometimes to just take 5 teams and mash them all into records set on nothing but a Nate Odomes fart in the wind. And when you see your credibility falling apart mid-season, it's a bit humbling. However, these things tend to always work themselves out, especially in the game of Tecmo. We almost hit the jackpot on Dan Marino's squad (who will be running his own affair in debauchery and gambling at this year's Madison, WI Tecmo IX tournament, Marino Royale), while Buffalo came out of a midseason squalor to nab this year's Number 3-seed.

The Jets were on a 'shock-the-world' campaign in the first half of the season, keeping neck and neck with their brothers in Miami. Though Coach Bruce Coslet faced down the abyss of spending the postseason on his mother's couch again, their early success behind a staunch defense had them clutch a 6-seed with a shocking Week 17 win over the Saints.

And then there's Indianapolis and New England. We wave goodbye once again after handing out our participation awards, though the Patriots' 3-game win streak behind ROY-candidate Kevin Turner clearly shows New England on a different track than the Jeff George-led Colts, whose participation during a 10-game losing streak is still under question.

AFC Central
Houston's repeat division championship was never under question, though a few teams within the AFC Central bubbled up to the top to show the defending Tecmo Bowl Champions have a few new cracks in the pavement. The Oilers still have the honor of a first-week bye in the playoffs despite a 2-game lose out in the regular season, thanks to a Burt Grossman-sized implosion by the San Diego Chargers. They'll need the rest if they're to face a dangerous Buffalo Bills team or, as has been made clear, an even more dangerous Pittsburgh Steelers squad. Coach Bill Cowher led his rag-tag group of blue collar players through a tumultuous season, however one thing he does hold is two wins over Houston. Should they meet, they'll no doubt unleash the league's best rusher in Barry Foster on the unassuming oil fields of Houston's rush defense.

No surprises in Cincinnati; with their number one pick going towards a lackluster college quarterback in Dave Klinger, there was no doubt Boomer would struggle to keep his cleats out of his mouth. It was the team out of Cleveland, however, that forced our own stockinged feet into our gaping maws with a push to the postseason, of which they fell miraculously short in Week 17--making their 8-8 finish about as useful as the 4 wins we graciously gave them at the season's beginning.

AFC West
Oh AFC West, AFC West, how we loathe thee, AFC West. We wanted to find reasons to love you, and unfortunately you gave nary a one. Chargers, yeah, you finished on top of this motley crew of individuals, though throwing away a first round bye by losing 4 of your last 5 can't convince us you'd fare any better than your other bumbling brutes you call division mates.

Don't think we're leaving you out of this, Los Angeles. Usually, your lack of devotion to your craft and just overall lethargy keeps us from caring about the route you take to .500 by season's end. But when you start playing with the emotions of your fans, as guarded as they may be behind their black and silver cages, we can no longer stand idly by. With a chance for a postseason you never rightfully deserved on the line, you neither attempt to win or take grace in defeat. Instead, you tie your Week 17 game, proving once again that your team's existence is not a privilege but a right. A right that needs to be revoked.

Thanks again for playing, you other three. We won't dignify you with your names, but we're still obligated to give you your t-shirts. Now go.


NFC East
Not to brag, but Nostradamus' relative does work here, and he does a damn fine job with our IT infrastructure if we say so ourselves. He's also good for picking arbitrary playoff teams weeks in advance, and with the NFC East he couldn't have come closer. Of course, his eccentric way of selecting based on 'pretty colors' may differ from his famous great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandpa, but in this instance it worked. Randall Cunningham's pretty tosses and fast legs put his experienced team, also led by a monster defense, atop this division, followed right at the heels by a young yet hungry Dallas team. Despite the finish, we put Dallas in the Tecmo Bowl, and though they finished with a weaker seed than we anticipated, we're still believers in their potent offense and a little backup plan entitled "The Steve Beuerlein Project".

The Redskins returned with much of the same cast of characters they sent out in last year's Tecmo Bowl, but with the rise of the Cowboys and Philadelphia's resurgence, they were left without much more than a woeful smile and nice-job pats on the asses. New York's fall from grace under the weight of one man's facial hair was heavily documented, while Phoenix shocked the world by doubling the amount of wins we predicted with a successful 4-12 campaign.

NFC Central
In a league filled with turbulence, the Vikings stood as the one team to lead their division throughout the entire season. Unfortunately, their Week 17 comeuppance also left them licking their wounds when they were the odd team out in a 4-team race for the 3 Wild Card spots. Hot on the heels of a 2-game win streak, along with winning 5 of their last 6, the Bears usurped the division for the crown in the last week of the season. After blowouts put them out of the point differential race, Chicago realized they'd have to tear their way into the postseason based on wins alone, and now enter as perhaps the hottest team in the NFC.

Green Bay, the main instigators of the power shift in the Central with their upset of Minnesota, enter the offseason a bit disappointed with their fortunes after a promising start, though shades of brilliance from new coach Mike Holmgren and Brett Favre have the cheeseheads wearing shades.

Tampa Bay and Detroit. We could find a few things more interesting to talk about than these two teams, but then we wouldn't be doing our jobs. Maybe instead you'll still accept this tribute video to Vinny Testaverde?


NFC West
Tales will be told of this division by the aging players to their grandchildren, as 75% of the teams will be attending the postseason. The NFC West was up for grabs the entire season, with Atlanta hitting the gas pedal around the last turn to take it in the end. Our hopes were low for the Dirty Birds entering the season, however they now take a 2-seed in the NFC and earn a much-deserved week off.

Meanwhile, the Saints, poised to take the division in the early games, sputtered and now find themselves dangerously below 'E' on their gauge, falling from their own assured bye-week in the playoffs and hardly snatching a Number 5-seed. They'll meet a 49ers team that, though they underachieved, come into the postseason as hot as ever. San Francisco had their life support cable nearly frayed before Week 16 after some humbling losses, but their formulaic win alongside some help in losses from the Saints and Minnesota put them back in their perennial postseason spot, one that they'll enjoy marinating in.

Los Angeles put up more of a fight than we thought, giving a good case to including the entire West in the playoffs with sound defeats of their division. They didn't repeat their Cinderella season, though we're sure to see photos emerge of Tim Lester in glass slippers during the offseason.


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So there you have it. We've done the time, and now it's finally our chance to take part in our just deserts. Another season has come and gone, and for those of you who slept through the fall, it's time to wake up, put on that ill-fitting jersey, grab your chewed up foam finger and push for your favorite team. Whether they're a sexy underdog or an odds-on-favorite, there's sure to be no deficit in drama with teams like the Jets and Bears involved.

Tune in tomorrow for a quadruple header of nonstop, gluttonous football action. Will the 49ers win their third game in a row over the suddenly muzzled Saints? Will Dallas get their revenge on the Bears just a week after getting mauled by a sharp-toothed Jim Harbaugh? While we all hope for one team out of the Jets-Chargers to snap out of their hibernation, there's sure to be fireworks when Pittsburgh and Buffalo meet and two of the top backs in the league collide. If you're not excited for some Wild Card Tecmo action, you'd better check your pulse and hope that the brain-eating instinct hasn't kicked in yet. You're only bound to go hungry around here if it has.

Week Seventeen: In Like a Boomer, Out Like a Bear

There have been brighter days for some of the teams on today's schedule, as this marks their final day in existence (at least in the blogging realm). We know who's in already, though that doesn't make our slate of games any less exciting. There's no way of knowing until the dust has settled who's playing where or against whom and, in the NFC anyway, none of the divisions have even been cinched up. Philadelphia and Atlanta control their own destinies, whereas Minnesota could find themselves singing the Ray Berry Blues if they can't tow the line in the Central. But we've all been around this mulberry bush before. Let's chase out the Esiason weasel and get down to Week 17!

 

1:00 Games

San Diego (10-5) * Seattle (4-11)

Nate Lewis returns in time for this playoff warm-up against the Seahawks, though the Chargers looked more like an AFC West division mid-dweller with Stan Humphries unable to out-throw Stan Gelbaugh's 119 yards. His 3 interceptions to Gelbaugh's 0 actually put his net total somewhere south of the century mark, and the Chargers stumble from a sure playoff bye-week to a possible 3-seed with their fourth loss in five games to end the season. Bob Gagliano's parents are already on the phone with San Diego's GM.

Final Score: Seahawks 24, Chargers 7

Indianapolis (4-11) * Cincinnati (6-9)

The merciless final year of the Boomer Esiason regime comes to a defiant, shoulder-shrugging end as the towhead tosses in the towel early. Esiason's final stat line as a Bengal reads 27% with just 62 yards and an interception. Jeff George, another quarterback with an itchy jock, padded his resume for teams on the prowl with an 81% completion rating and 219 yards throwing. Suddenly, Cincinnati appeared every bit ready to challenge the Colts' ten-game losing streak this season before being rudely interrupted by its scheduled end.

Final Score: Colts 28, Bengals 14

Kansas City (4-11) * Denver (6-9)

Dave Krieg apparently heard about some open auditions going on and wound up crossing the 300-yard mark for the first time this season. And when he heard it was for the beloved Kansas City acting troupe, the Serendipity Players, he made lemonade out of the lemons he was accustomed to throwing all season and gracefully bowed out. The decision was made slightly easier when, despite his big day on the field, the Chiefs still lost to the punchless Broncos by ten points. 

Final Score: Broncos 31, Chiefs 21

L.A. Raiders (7-8) * Washington (8-7)

In a season that saw as many tie/near-tie games as it did cheerleader panty shots, there was no better way for the Cinderella Raiders to see their season end than in a tie game with the already-deposed Redskins. Mark Rypien threw hard enough to end it early with 293 yards passing, however it appeared Washington was more content in letting the Raiders implode by themselves. Why choose to go out of playoff contention on the last week of the season in a hail of gunfire, when you can go out napping on the couch with a bag of stale Cheetohs in your crotch?

Final Score: Raiders 14, Redskins 14

Minnesota (10-5) * Green Bay (4-11)

The Packers appeared to have thrown every game this season just for this moment; a chance to sneak up and slice the jugular of Rich Gannon and Co. A dominating loss for the Vikings, who have led the NFC Central since week one, suddenly put them on the precipice of going home early to catch their wives with the poolboys should Chicago pull out an improbable win against Dallas later. Brett Favre put on one of his rare yet dazzling flawless performances of 283 yards and no picks to lay the final rotten egg on an already rotten second half for the Purple Poutine-Eaters.

Final Score: Packers 28, Vikings 14

Tampa Bay (6-9) * Phoenix (3-12)

A week off of nearly cancelling San Francisco's plane to the playoff tickets, Tampa Bay lays a stinker and loses to the worst team in football. Whether it was a legitimate underestimation or simply the Buccaneers' front office hoping to draft high on yet another overrated wide receiver, Tampa Bay ended another disappointing season unnoticed by most. Fortunately, this allowed Vinny Testaverde to get away with not realizing his helmet was on backwards for most of the game.

Final Score: Cardinals 24, Buccaneers 14

Miami (11-3-1) * New England (5-10)

When the Dolphins took a big lead early and late-season ROY candidate Kevin Turner went down for New England, Dan Marino promptly took his seat on Coach Shula's lap to watch the Dolphins give up 14 points in the 4th quarter. New England wins their third game in a row to end the 1992 season, overcoming the crowned AFC East champions in the process, though its significance is about as important as Hugh Millen's appearance at Roosevelt High's 10-year high school reunion.

Final Score: Patriots 28, Dolphins 24

Houston (10-5) * Buffalo (10-5)

A possible playoff preview and replay of last year's AFC Championship didn't disappoint, though this time Buffalo took the spoils to enter the playoffs as the conference's hottest team with a 7-game winning streak. Though Houston already had their division wrapped up, they still had a chance to clinch a bye with a win. Fortunately, Stan Humphries's mystery of which bed he woke up in proved more puzzling than Warren Moon's, and the Oilers back into the bye with their own streak of two losses.

Final Score: Bills 21, Oilers 14

4:00 Games

New Orleans (10-5) * N.Y. Jets (7-7-1)

A tie game for the Jets may not have given them any clear advantage heading towards the end of the season, but it gave the rest of us the advantage of not having to work a calculator by drawing a line in the proverbial playoff sand: win and in, lose and out. And just when it appeared we were close to seeing the end of the clinically-indefinable season for the Jets, Browning Nagle pulled together one of his wholly underwhelming yet somehow effective performances to catch the reeling Saints on their heels. The game was a microcosm of New Orleans' season, with a quick strike to start the game, including a huge Morten Anderson 60-yard cannonball launch before the end of the half, followed by a second half of fumbles, interceptions, and a botched chip shot by the very same Anderson. The implosion opened the door for Cary Blanchard to triple his field goal count for the season, kicking 3 in the second half, including a doubtless game-winner, to give the Jets an improbable and somewhat undeserved chance to redeem their own disappointing second half of the season with a postseason berth.

The Jets not only put the loser of the simultaneous PIT/CLE game out to pasture, but also opened the backdoor for the Atlanta Falcons to sneak through to a division championship, capping an exciting race with a Georgia peach-sized thud.

Final Score: Jets 16, Saints 13

L.A. Rams (8-7) * Atlanta (11-4)

Despite scoreboard-watching telling the story of Atlanta's victory over the torrid NFC West, they still put on a solid performance to deliver upon themselves a first-round bye and keep the Rams from staying above .500, which would have been a respectable feat considering their depressing dethronement midway through the season. Chris Miller put up a strong performance of 282 passing yards with 72% completed passes, designating the Falcons as the NFC's dark horse despite finishing in the Top 2 of the conference.

Final Score: Falcons 28, Rams 21

Pittsburgh (8-7) * Cleveland (8-7)

Though Cleveland fans never expected their team to be fighting for a Wild Card spot in Week 17, the Browns and their somehow fitting 'streaky' season kept them in the race until about 3 minutes into the first quarter. Whether it was the pressure of the situation or the fact that Pittsburgh had mountains more talent in every aspect of the game, Cleveland choked harder than LG Dan Fike at the Sunday morning buffet. The Steelers, knowing that their own promising season was threatened with the Jets taking charge against New Orleans, came alive behind multiple Barry Foster sprints and a defense that, when they weren't feasting on Mike Tomczak's mush-brain, were intercepting his desperation passes. After a sure-thing turned into a probably-not with a 2-game losing streak going into Week 17, Pittsburgh earned their berth with a powerful shellacking and also reviving the all-important fear factor for their first postseason opponent.

With Thurman Thomas still out, Barry Foster's 108-yard performance gave him a 56-yard lead in the rushing champion category that will surely give him MVP honors, no matter where the Steelers end up in four weeks. And if you thought 'fishing for endorsement deals', you may not be far off.

Final Score: Steelers 35, Browns 7

San Francisco (9-6) * Detroit (4-11)

Left for dead and without an answer just a week ago, the 49ers pulled out a classic performance over the kitty cats of Detroit to give them just enough point differential for a wild card spot and making the NFC Central a winner-take-all scenario. Though Barry Sanders tried to make up for another sub-50 yard rushing performance with some yards in the air, nothing will overshadow perhaps the worst year of his career. Meanwhile, Steve Young kept Montananite head-hunters at bay for one more week with 305 yards and 83% of his passes completed.

Final Score: 49ers 35, Lions 10

Dallas (10-5) * Chicago (10-5)

Though Dallas was already certified a playoff contender with the Minnesota loss, they let a shot at the NFC East title slip through against Chicago, whose noses perked up even more at the taste of Viking blood in the water. Led by Jim Harbaugh's effective arm and the balanced attack of Neal Anderson and Brad Muster, Chicago knew a loss spelled the end of their improbable postseason run due to early-season blowout losses. And after sixteen weeks of looking up at Randall McDaniel's ass, the Bears took care of their own blowout. Though it was Chicago's offense that rolled down the field, it was their wakened defense that bloodied and scarred Troy Aikman early and also denied Emmitt Smith the 56 yards he needed to surpass Barry Foster as this season's rushing champion. The Cowboys closed in on Chicago just before the half with their own impressive defensive effort that saw Jim Jeffcoat's labored fumble recovery for a touchdown, yet it was Chicago who, despite being 2 games out with just 3 to go, restored the grizzle to Coach Ditka and has the Bears in as a 6-seed.

The Dallas loss not only cleared the way for the foretold Philadelphia championship, but it also cemented a certain rematch with Chicago in the first round of the playoffs. For revenge to be effective, it must surely be swift.

Final Score: Bears 40, Cowboys 21

Philadelphia (11-4) * N.Y. Giants (5-10)

An NFC East Championship already delivered to them midway through the third quarter, the Eagles still never lost sight at what was at stake. A win over the embarrassment that is the New York Football Giants gives Philadelphia the number one seed in the NFC playoffs, giving Randall Cunningham a chance to rest his weary legs that saw him finishing amongst the Top 20 rushers in the NFL. Jeff Hostetler, meanwhile, will have little chance to rest his weary mustache before inevitably entering into the gay porn industry for a paycheck next year, otherwise known as Raiders Training Camp. 

Final Score: Eagles 24, Giants 20

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Just a few short hours ago, we were ready to scratch our final contenders into the engraving that was the 1992 Tecmo Bowl Playoffs. Had we done that, we'd certainly be scouring the mines for new malleable metal as, once again, the Tecmo gods had their way with us. Though Atlanta and Philadelphia came in leading their respective divisions, we had no reason to not believe the Saints and Cowboys couldn't collect on what was owed them, losing to vastly inferior teams that suddenly see their names immortalized on postseason parchment. And, only in Tecmo would we see a team that led every week of the season not only be deposed of a division title, but miss the playoffs altogether thanks to wonky scheduling and the infamous 'point differential tiebreaker'. And now, because our own wonky schedule brought these games to you mid-week, we're not sure if any of us will be ready for this unlikely playoff schedule to hit us. Nonetheless, ready we must be as Wild Card Weekend waits for no man! Unless that man wakes up with a wicked hangover Saturday morning and won't even think about looking at a computer monitor.