Week Seventeen: In Like a Boomer, Out Like a Bear

There have been brighter days for some of the teams on today's schedule, as this marks their final day in existence (at least in the blogging realm). We know who's in already, though that doesn't make our slate of games any less exciting. There's no way of knowing until the dust has settled who's playing where or against whom and, in the NFC anyway, none of the divisions have even been cinched up. Philadelphia and Atlanta control their own destinies, whereas Minnesota could find themselves singing the Ray Berry Blues if they can't tow the line in the Central. But we've all been around this mulberry bush before. Let's chase out the Esiason weasel and get down to Week 17!

 

1:00 Games

San Diego (10-5) * Seattle (4-11)

Nate Lewis returns in time for this playoff warm-up against the Seahawks, though the Chargers looked more like an AFC West division mid-dweller with Stan Humphries unable to out-throw Stan Gelbaugh's 119 yards. His 3 interceptions to Gelbaugh's 0 actually put his net total somewhere south of the century mark, and the Chargers stumble from a sure playoff bye-week to a possible 3-seed with their fourth loss in five games to end the season. Bob Gagliano's parents are already on the phone with San Diego's GM.

Final Score: Seahawks 24, Chargers 7

Indianapolis (4-11) * Cincinnati (6-9)

The merciless final year of the Boomer Esiason regime comes to a defiant, shoulder-shrugging end as the towhead tosses in the towel early. Esiason's final stat line as a Bengal reads 27% with just 62 yards and an interception. Jeff George, another quarterback with an itchy jock, padded his resume for teams on the prowl with an 81% completion rating and 219 yards throwing. Suddenly, Cincinnati appeared every bit ready to challenge the Colts' ten-game losing streak this season before being rudely interrupted by its scheduled end.

Final Score: Colts 28, Bengals 14

Kansas City (4-11) * Denver (6-9)

Dave Krieg apparently heard about some open auditions going on and wound up crossing the 300-yard mark for the first time this season. And when he heard it was for the beloved Kansas City acting troupe, the Serendipity Players, he made lemonade out of the lemons he was accustomed to throwing all season and gracefully bowed out. The decision was made slightly easier when, despite his big day on the field, the Chiefs still lost to the punchless Broncos by ten points. 

Final Score: Broncos 31, Chiefs 21

L.A. Raiders (7-8) * Washington (8-7)

In a season that saw as many tie/near-tie games as it did cheerleader panty shots, there was no better way for the Cinderella Raiders to see their season end than in a tie game with the already-deposed Redskins. Mark Rypien threw hard enough to end it early with 293 yards passing, however it appeared Washington was more content in letting the Raiders implode by themselves. Why choose to go out of playoff contention on the last week of the season in a hail of gunfire, when you can go out napping on the couch with a bag of stale Cheetohs in your crotch?

Final Score: Raiders 14, Redskins 14

Minnesota (10-5) * Green Bay (4-11)

The Packers appeared to have thrown every game this season just for this moment; a chance to sneak up and slice the jugular of Rich Gannon and Co. A dominating loss for the Vikings, who have led the NFC Central since week one, suddenly put them on the precipice of going home early to catch their wives with the poolboys should Chicago pull out an improbable win against Dallas later. Brett Favre put on one of his rare yet dazzling flawless performances of 283 yards and no picks to lay the final rotten egg on an already rotten second half for the Purple Poutine-Eaters.

Final Score: Packers 28, Vikings 14

Tampa Bay (6-9) * Phoenix (3-12)

A week off of nearly cancelling San Francisco's plane to the playoff tickets, Tampa Bay lays a stinker and loses to the worst team in football. Whether it was a legitimate underestimation or simply the Buccaneers' front office hoping to draft high on yet another overrated wide receiver, Tampa Bay ended another disappointing season unnoticed by most. Fortunately, this allowed Vinny Testaverde to get away with not realizing his helmet was on backwards for most of the game.

Final Score: Cardinals 24, Buccaneers 14

Miami (11-3-1) * New England (5-10)

When the Dolphins took a big lead early and late-season ROY candidate Kevin Turner went down for New England, Dan Marino promptly took his seat on Coach Shula's lap to watch the Dolphins give up 14 points in the 4th quarter. New England wins their third game in a row to end the 1992 season, overcoming the crowned AFC East champions in the process, though its significance is about as important as Hugh Millen's appearance at Roosevelt High's 10-year high school reunion.

Final Score: Patriots 28, Dolphins 24

Houston (10-5) * Buffalo (10-5)

A possible playoff preview and replay of last year's AFC Championship didn't disappoint, though this time Buffalo took the spoils to enter the playoffs as the conference's hottest team with a 7-game winning streak. Though Houston already had their division wrapped up, they still had a chance to clinch a bye with a win. Fortunately, Stan Humphries's mystery of which bed he woke up in proved more puzzling than Warren Moon's, and the Oilers back into the bye with their own streak of two losses.

Final Score: Bills 21, Oilers 14

4:00 Games

New Orleans (10-5) * N.Y. Jets (7-7-1)

A tie game for the Jets may not have given them any clear advantage heading towards the end of the season, but it gave the rest of us the advantage of not having to work a calculator by drawing a line in the proverbial playoff sand: win and in, lose and out. And just when it appeared we were close to seeing the end of the clinically-indefinable season for the Jets, Browning Nagle pulled together one of his wholly underwhelming yet somehow effective performances to catch the reeling Saints on their heels. The game was a microcosm of New Orleans' season, with a quick strike to start the game, including a huge Morten Anderson 60-yard cannonball launch before the end of the half, followed by a second half of fumbles, interceptions, and a botched chip shot by the very same Anderson. The implosion opened the door for Cary Blanchard to triple his field goal count for the season, kicking 3 in the second half, including a doubtless game-winner, to give the Jets an improbable and somewhat undeserved chance to redeem their own disappointing second half of the season with a postseason berth.

The Jets not only put the loser of the simultaneous PIT/CLE game out to pasture, but also opened the backdoor for the Atlanta Falcons to sneak through to a division championship, capping an exciting race with a Georgia peach-sized thud.

Final Score: Jets 16, Saints 13

L.A. Rams (8-7) * Atlanta (11-4)

Despite scoreboard-watching telling the story of Atlanta's victory over the torrid NFC West, they still put on a solid performance to deliver upon themselves a first-round bye and keep the Rams from staying above .500, which would have been a respectable feat considering their depressing dethronement midway through the season. Chris Miller put up a strong performance of 282 passing yards with 72% completed passes, designating the Falcons as the NFC's dark horse despite finishing in the Top 2 of the conference.

Final Score: Falcons 28, Rams 21

Pittsburgh (8-7) * Cleveland (8-7)

Though Cleveland fans never expected their team to be fighting for a Wild Card spot in Week 17, the Browns and their somehow fitting 'streaky' season kept them in the race until about 3 minutes into the first quarter. Whether it was the pressure of the situation or the fact that Pittsburgh had mountains more talent in every aspect of the game, Cleveland choked harder than LG Dan Fike at the Sunday morning buffet. The Steelers, knowing that their own promising season was threatened with the Jets taking charge against New Orleans, came alive behind multiple Barry Foster sprints and a defense that, when they weren't feasting on Mike Tomczak's mush-brain, were intercepting his desperation passes. After a sure-thing turned into a probably-not with a 2-game losing streak going into Week 17, Pittsburgh earned their berth with a powerful shellacking and also reviving the all-important fear factor for their first postseason opponent.

With Thurman Thomas still out, Barry Foster's 108-yard performance gave him a 56-yard lead in the rushing champion category that will surely give him MVP honors, no matter where the Steelers end up in four weeks. And if you thought 'fishing for endorsement deals', you may not be far off.

Final Score: Steelers 35, Browns 7

San Francisco (9-6) * Detroit (4-11)

Left for dead and without an answer just a week ago, the 49ers pulled out a classic performance over the kitty cats of Detroit to give them just enough point differential for a wild card spot and making the NFC Central a winner-take-all scenario. Though Barry Sanders tried to make up for another sub-50 yard rushing performance with some yards in the air, nothing will overshadow perhaps the worst year of his career. Meanwhile, Steve Young kept Montananite head-hunters at bay for one more week with 305 yards and 83% of his passes completed.

Final Score: 49ers 35, Lions 10

Dallas (10-5) * Chicago (10-5)

Though Dallas was already certified a playoff contender with the Minnesota loss, they let a shot at the NFC East title slip through against Chicago, whose noses perked up even more at the taste of Viking blood in the water. Led by Jim Harbaugh's effective arm and the balanced attack of Neal Anderson and Brad Muster, Chicago knew a loss spelled the end of their improbable postseason run due to early-season blowout losses. And after sixteen weeks of looking up at Randall McDaniel's ass, the Bears took care of their own blowout. Though it was Chicago's offense that rolled down the field, it was their wakened defense that bloodied and scarred Troy Aikman early and also denied Emmitt Smith the 56 yards he needed to surpass Barry Foster as this season's rushing champion. The Cowboys closed in on Chicago just before the half with their own impressive defensive effort that saw Jim Jeffcoat's labored fumble recovery for a touchdown, yet it was Chicago who, despite being 2 games out with just 3 to go, restored the grizzle to Coach Ditka and has the Bears in as a 6-seed.

The Dallas loss not only cleared the way for the foretold Philadelphia championship, but it also cemented a certain rematch with Chicago in the first round of the playoffs. For revenge to be effective, it must surely be swift.

Final Score: Bears 40, Cowboys 21

Philadelphia (11-4) * N.Y. Giants (5-10)

An NFC East Championship already delivered to them midway through the third quarter, the Eagles still never lost sight at what was at stake. A win over the embarrassment that is the New York Football Giants gives Philadelphia the number one seed in the NFC playoffs, giving Randall Cunningham a chance to rest his weary legs that saw him finishing amongst the Top 20 rushers in the NFL. Jeff Hostetler, meanwhile, will have little chance to rest his weary mustache before inevitably entering into the gay porn industry for a paycheck next year, otherwise known as Raiders Training Camp. 

Final Score: Eagles 24, Giants 20

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Just a few short hours ago, we were ready to scratch our final contenders into the engraving that was the 1992 Tecmo Bowl Playoffs. Had we done that, we'd certainly be scouring the mines for new malleable metal as, once again, the Tecmo gods had their way with us. Though Atlanta and Philadelphia came in leading their respective divisions, we had no reason to not believe the Saints and Cowboys couldn't collect on what was owed them, losing to vastly inferior teams that suddenly see their names immortalized on postseason parchment. And, only in Tecmo would we see a team that led every week of the season not only be deposed of a division title, but miss the playoffs altogether thanks to wonky scheduling and the infamous 'point differential tiebreaker'. And now, because our own wonky schedule brought these games to you mid-week, we're not sure if any of us will be ready for this unlikely playoff schedule to hit us. Nonetheless, ready we must be as Wild Card Weekend waits for no man! Unless that man wakes up with a wicked hangover Saturday morning and won't even think about looking at a computer monitor.

Monday Night Football: Chicago vs Pittsburgh

Two teams on the verge of an improbable playoff berth meet up tonight in a make-or-break game. And speaking of 'breaking', both teams have a propensity for turning limbs in the wrong direction and making skin turn unnatural shades of purple when they're through. It's hard to think either team could be prepared for extra-curricular games whether they win or not, so we should extend our gratitude for their exhibition of the following bloodbath. Should points somehow be scored, we'll have to tack that up as a bonus.


Quarter One
Rookie Darren Lewis out of Texas A&M takes the short Gary kick to his team's 39-yard line. Coach Ditka sends out his scrap heap of an offense, led by the beaten and battered Jim Harbaugh, who proceeds to get things rolling with a pass to Wendell Davis that shears the grass about 10 yards in front of his intended receiver. The ball is given to the ghost of Neal Anderson who runs up the middle for 3 yards, followed up by a more successful gallop of 16 after breaking a few tackles at the line. Davis is a bit closer to the ball on Harbaugh's first down pass, though the Steelers defense is prepared with double coverage of the star receiver. On second down, Harbaugh launches the ball in Keith Jennings' direction instead, and the open receiver lays out for the pass to punch an exclamation point on Chicago's impressive opening drive.

Chicago leads 7-0

Able-bodied Dwight Stone fails to cross over his team's 10-yard line on the kickoff, putting his team in a precarious position against one of the NFL's most advantageous defenses. Mike Singletary starts the party for the Bears' defense with a sack of Neil O'Donnell to the 2-yard line. Barry Foster gets some positive yardage on second down with a 6-yard run to open up some breathing room, though it's still 1 yard too short when Dick Dent barrels around the line, undetected, for a safety of O'Donnell.

Chicago leads 9-0

Lewis fumbles the kick return, though the Pittsburgh fans in attendance are forced to exhale disappointment when the Bears' special teams bails him out with the recovery. From the 40-yard line, Brad Muster takes control with two runs of nearly 20 yards to boost the immediate sales of neck rolls across the country. The streaking drive nearly comes to a grinding halt when Harbaugh throws a dangerous pass into coverage. He's saved for one more play with even Pittsburgh being averse to his throws, though he'd more than likely give it back after Greg Lloyd indents his body into the field and picks up his fumble for a long return to the Chicago 40-yard line.

Quarter Two
Merrill Hoge makes his presence known with three straight runs to start Pittsburgh's next drive. The first one goes for 4 yards, while the second goes for 6. The third goes for -25 when he bobbles the ball at the line and Ron Cox runs it back for Chicago.

Tom Waddle continues his All-Star campaign for Chicago with a 20-yard reception he's forced to lay out for. With his spotlight apparently burning a bit too bright, Waddle fumbles the ball away after another 15-yard reception, allowing Davis  to scoop it up and run a few more yards. Brad Muster keeps Neal on the oxygen reserves with two runs netting 11 yards for a first down to the Pittsburgh 15, though it's the ghost of Chicago's past who is open in the flat for a touchdown catch. Neal's now up to 9 receiving touchdowns to 0 rushing, making about as much sense as Chicago's gargantuan lead over Pittsburgh after just a quarter and a half.

Chicago leads 16-0

Stone breaks open a big return to the Pittsburgh 39-yard line, setting his team up for just their fifth offensive play of the game. It starts off innocently enough with Foster bumping into his own line, before he breaks through and tears down the field to the Chicago 9-yard line. With a bit of time to spare, the Steelers try to get inventive with a Hoge run up the middle that's stuffed at the 2-yard line. Pittsburgh is rewarded for their cuteness with a Singletary sack of O'Donnell for a 9-yard loss, putting them in a 3rd-and-goal situation from the 11-yard line. O'Donnell finds tight end Adrian Cooper at the 3-yard line, though the Bears are waiting for him like hungry...bears. Defeated, the Steelers send Gary Anderson out to chip in a 20-yarder as the half comes to a close.

Chicago leads 16-3

Halftime - Bears 16, Steelers 3

Quarter Three

Pittsburgh gets chance number two after Stone's return to the 27-yard line. Jeff Graham out of Dayton, Ohio, makes a remarkable grab at the 42-yard line. When Foster and Hoge are both stopped at the line on consecutive plays, O'Donnell goes back to the air and finds Graham open once more for a 49-yard gain after a long run along the sidelines. With the hit out, Graham cautiously avoids O'Donnell's next pass, putting the ball back in Foster's hands. He runs to the 2-yard line, setting up an opportune 1st-and-goal situation that sees Merril Hoge run backwards and Graham once again punting the ball that comes his way. On a big 4th-and-1, the man that should have gotten the ball 3 plays ago does so and Foster runs into the end zone untouched.

Chicago leads 16-10

Beginning at their own 25, Chicago is looking to answer Pittsburgh's first big score. Their ensuing drive offers up more questions, however, with Harbaugh faking a run and throwing to Anderson's back followed by a hobbled Anderson getting washed over by a wave of Steelers. On 3rd and 9, David Little has Harbaugh questioning which day of the week it is with a big sack to stamp an impressive defensive stop.

Stone rides the momentum to the Pittsburgh 40-yard line on the punt return. Foster, second only to the cyborg in Dallas, continues his breakout campaign with a 35-yard run that puts Chicago on their heels long enough to set up O'Donnell's beautiful rainbow pass to Graham for the tight-end's much deserved touchdown to give Pittsburgh their first lead.

Pittsburgh leads 17-16

Gary Anderson kicks the ball off his ankle, giving Chicago good field position at their own 44-yard line. Muster pulls in a nice 18-yard grab just in time to flip the field and get his team driving.

Quarter Four
The fourth quarter starts off a bit slower for the Bears, with Muster only mustering 2 yards and Jennings tickling the bottom of the aired out ball on 2nd down. Muster gets just 3 more yards, putting Kevin Butler on the field to attempt a 52-yarder. The ball sails about as far right as Mike Ditka's new aorta will after his next bypass surgery.
 
O'Donnell starts the pity party with a needled pass to Cooper up the middle for a 15-yard gain, followed by another 10-yarder to Graham. Those two plays will have to remain in his obituary, however, after he's buried on two straight sacks from Mike Singletary netting 18 yards in the negative. On 3rd-and-28, O'Donnell's fractured body attempts play action, though it's possible he actually was trying to give the ball away, leaving his splintered and wobbly arm to lob up a lame duck for Donnell Woolford to intercept for a late-game chance to put his Bears back in the lead.

The Anderson-Muster duo gets off to a slow start with just 2 combined yards, and though Harbaugh's cross-body pass to Davis sails hopelessly wild, Singletary's effectively positive yardage for the Bears is enough for Butler's second chance from 47. His kick is straight and true this time, allowing Chicago fans to rejoice with just over a minute to go.

Chicago leads 19-17

After a hefty kick from Butler, the Steelers are staring at a long field from their own 3-yard line. Hoge heroically makes it a memory with a 40-yard saunter after dodging a near-tackle in his own end zone, followed by another run to midfield as the clock hits the minute mark. Two plays later and facing 3rd-and-8, however, O'Donnell opts to use his arm but finds his beard out of lucky strokes as his pass falls harmlessly incomplete. Going for broke on 4th down, Hoge tries to catch the Bears' 'D' off guard once more, which he nearly does when Chicago gives up 7 of the 8 needed yards. 

Final: Bears 19, Steelers 17

It's hard to say who needed the game more, though it appears the Bears played as if they did with a busy day from their defense, namely Mike Singletary and his 4 sacks, as well as an effective-enough Jim Harbaugh taking advantage of opportunities to steal the win from the Steelers. Barry Foster had a monster day from an average back's perspective, though he didn't have an answer for the tough Chicago defense when it mattered most. Meanwhile, the usually quiet Jeff Graham had a solid day wasted, though his performance showed off yet another weapon for the Steelers who, despite the loss, still control their destiny going into the wild card race. The Bears are playing tough late, and as long as the Vikings continue to collapse, their blowout losses earlier in the season could be distant memories as they neck roll through the playoffs.
 

Monday Night Football: Chicago vs. Tampa Bay

Tonight, we'll point our periscopes at the NFC Central arms race between Chicago and Tampa Bay, as both teams continue to try and contend within their division as the season nears its tipping point. They'll each get their chance on the national stage tonight, with the Bucs hoping to break through their perennial mediocrity and the Bears needing to strike before falling beneath the crushing weight of expectations and Mike Ditka's mustache oil.

Quarter One
Ken Willis lets his meter charge up to full power before booting the opening kickoff to Darren Willis, who wisely takes it from deep inside the end zone out to the Chicago 10-yard line. The Jim Harbaugh power hour begins shortly thereafter, with a dink-a-dunk pass to G. Thomas Waddle for a short gain. Neal Anderson, seeing some extra touches with Chicago mourning the loss of a one Brad Muster, powers up the middle for seven productive yards. Harbaugh then connects on his next two passes, an eleven-yarder to Lewis and a nice chunk of 28 yards to Waddle. After the Tampa Bay defense stalls them with a blitz and a remarkable stop of Anderson at the line, Harbaugh drops back and finds Neal to seal the deal with a short pass that Anderson heroically rushes in for a score.

Chicago leads 7-0

Gary Anderson, a man who needs no introduction, takes advantage of a poor Kevin Butler kick and returns the ball to the opponents' 42-yard line. An underthrown Vinny Testaverde pass starts off this drive, which is somehow saved by Mark Carrier's astute play-making abilities for a gain of 14 yards. Afterwards, the vaunted Tampa Bay Turf Twins get going with a Reggie Cobb gain of 2 and an additional 5 stalwart yards picked up by rookie Anthony McDowell. Vincent Testaverde reverts back to the rousing success that is his passing game, but two batted away passes to Lawrence Dawsey and Carrier mark the premature arrival of Ken Willis' clean-shaven face and his kick from 44 yards away is completely good.

Chicago leads 7-3

The infirmary continues to pile up with bodies of Bears as Darren Lewis is wiped out on his return. However, the Chicago faithful suddenly feel a sense of calm as their newest savior, Bob Christian, appears amidst a choir of angels singing his name. He is persecuted immediately when a Tampa Bay blitz crucifies him for a loss of 4 yards. Harbaugh atones for his newest disciple's sins with a pass to Wendell Davis that gains a solid 28 yards, followed by another appearance of Neal Anderson picking up 6 yards to rounds this quarter out with his Bears on the move.

Quarter Two
The second quarter is immediately welcomed by Chicago with a redux of the Harbaugh-to-Anderson shovel pass in which Anderson shows shades of his former ogre self with a 46-yard charge to the end zone.

Chicago leads 14-3

Another short Butler kick has the Buccaneers starting near midfield, from which they immediately cut the field in half with a diving Cobb catch-and-run to the Bears' 22-yard line. Cobb sees the ball on the next down, running around the left side for 12 yards to help his Bucs plunder their way into the red zone. Aside from a minor setback in which McDowell coughs up the ball out of bounds, Tampa Bay is able to close the margin with a wide open Cobb sealing off his one-man drive with a catch in stride on his way to roads paved in gold.

Chicago leads 14-10

John Adams High School's native son, Anthony Morgan, is the next member on the Chicago carousel, as he makes his debut returning a kick to the 15-yard line. Bob "The Answer" Christian is once again entrusted with the ball, and this time is able to pilgrim his way to the 32-yard line. Not finished, he preaches to the masses of pirating heathens with a holy 31 yard gain to the Tampa Bay 26-yard line. The Bucs' defense catches up with his scheme, knocking him back for a loss of 6, but the long-term plan is executed as Harbaugh, who is sneakily tossing a perfect game, connects with Mr. Waddle for a 33-yard touchdown.

Chicago leads 21-10

With the half ticking away and the Buccaneers left with questions to the Bears' new 'answer', Anderson is forced to return the first decent kickoff from Butler today. He stamps his flag at the 34-yard line, from which Tampa Bay decides to heroically turn the other cheek with a McDowell run play that ends up in his second fumble of the day.

Halftime - Bears 21, Buccaneers 10

Quarter Three
Given a second chance, Anderson returns the kick to midfield, sandwiching a Reginald Cobb run with a 45-yard toss-up to Lawrence Dawsey for a quick Tampa Bay touchdown.

Chicago leads 21-17

Morgan stamps his greatest return of the day at the Chicago 40, where Harbaugh gets down to work completing more passes to Wonderful Waddle of Ohio, whose leaping grab at the Tampa Bay 23-yard line keeps his captain perfect on the day. Christian nets 11 yards, a loaf of bread and some fish over the next two plays, building up to a play action that sees Harbaugh connecting with Wendell Davis for his fourth passing touchdown as of press time.

Chicago leads 28-17

Exhaustion grips the Buccaneers squad, who can't quite seem to keep up with the fire-and-poppy-seed-bun-filled bellies of their counterparts. It can be seen on the face of Tony McDowell, who only gains 1 yard on two separate runs into his offensive line; it can also be read on Ron Hall who, even in catching a pass for a first down, seems to run backwards in the face of all eleven Bears chasing him down. After a promising run from McDowell to gain another 15 yards, Testaverde's arm looks wearier than ever with a cupcake floater pass into the waiting arms of Lamuel Stinson.

Calvin Tiggle keeps Harbaugh's perfect game in check with a 2-yard sack on first down, but the collected captain of the Bears only needs to go back to "The Answer" with a 10-yard pitch and two hand-offs to end the quarter with a total gain of 33 more yards.

Quarter Four
Starting the final and freshest quarter at a bit more belabored pace, the Bears find themselves in a 3rd-and-4 situation from their opponent's 34-yard line. From the shotgun formation, Harbaugh scans the field for his weapons, finally tossing it up to the divine hands of one Bob Christian, who drops it near the end zone amidst the cacophonous noises of Harbaugh's relevance collapsing. Kevin Butler marches on to the field with his Tic-Tac toes and careens the kick wide right.

And as they say in the Tampa Bay, the tide appears to be turning. Usually referring to when the garbage washes back ashore in Tampa, Vinny and his rag-tag group of creamsicle warriors hope to push the garbage away with a pristine drive that includes a Mark Carrier leaping grab at the Chicago 32-yard line, followed by a pass to McDowell that nets another 12. On the next play, however, the Bucs are awash in a tidal wave of Tampax and syringes when Vinny lobs up another pick to Stinson, this time at the goal line.

Despite his defense all but nailing this one in, Harbaugh's newfound grumpy demeanor begins to affect him on the field with two errant passes towards Waddle and a fumbled handoff to Christian that puts the Tampa Bay offense back on the field with some time to play after a Chris Gardocki punt.

And Donnell Woolford makes three, if we were to count Vinny Testaverde interceptions instead of the building blocks of a nuclear family, which the Chicago Bears clearly are not.

Harbaugh, apparently rediscovering the true meaning of Bob Christian, pitches it to his running back on first down for a 20-yard gain around the left side. On the next play, from the shotgun formation, Harbaugh delivers the final punctuation mark to his stellar day which, like his running back, is no longer a question mark. His 24-yard bullet is caught by Keith Jennings, the fourth receiver to catch a Harbaugh touchdown to make it five for the Menace from Michigan.

Chicago leads 35-17

Tampa Bay finishes out the game about as meekly as the rest of it, with four plays netting 14 yards, followed up by a leaping grab from Carrier at the Chicago 13-yard line that puts them within 13 yards of nobody really giving a damn anymore.

Final: Bears 35, Buccaneers 17

The blowout Bears reined in a lead early in this one and never relented against the pesky squad from the Sunshine state. The win rewards Chicago with a second-place tie alongside the Bucs in the NFC Central, but perhaps even more rewarding is the knowledge of the depth that the Bears' roster now has, with Bob Christian answering the calls of injured members of Chicago's rushing corps. Though one-game anomalies litter the Tecmo landscape, Christian proved his worth on the field with his 120 rushing yards and shutting out the former Monster out of the Midway in Neal Anderson with his first appearance. After some strong showings the last few weeks, Tampa Bay has to take this loss to heart, knowing that they had all the tools to keep up with a usually punchless Chicago squad but never finding a way to clog up the unglued arm of the nearly-perfect Harbaugh or halt Christian from walking on water all over their defense. They kept it close to start, but Vinny's second-half crumble ultimately led to their demise, the rumors of which will never be exaggerated.

 

Monday Night Football: Miami at Chicago

Marino, before his arrest for possession of a deadly weapon

The Dolphins leave sunny Miami on a trip north to bring themselves one step closer to a rare Tecmo AFC East title. Standing in their way are the Chicago Bears, with everything to play for outside of a Steve McMichael hair vs. hair match against Pete Stoyanovich. The season has come down to games like this, in which one win or loss could turn the tide of 11 previous weeks of hard work and pixellated explosions. Let's head to Chicago now to see if Miami can keep rolling, or if the vaunted Bears' 'D' can clam up the Dolphins offense while Neal Anderson gives Don Shula a new set of recurring nightmares.


Quarter One
Marc Logan is the first to handle the game ball after Miami wins the toss, and gets his team in good starting position at their own 44-yard line. Chicago brings the pain on first down, forcing a Tony Paige fumble in which the Fridge gobbles up and carts all the way back to the Miami 8-yard line.

A normal aftermath of the famous Chicago blitz

Jim Harbaugh, the second coming of Jim McMahon, hands the ball off to Brad Muster, the first coming of Brad Muster, on first down. Muster gets within inches of the goal line, setting up a Neal Anderson run to vulture his first touchdown on the day for Chicago.

Chicago leads 7-0

Logan gets another shot at it, carrying it out to the Miami 37-yard line before coughing up the second Dolphins' fumble of the day. Richmond Webb is there this time, the first time Webb has been present for anything important on a football field, and stretches the return out to the Miami 45-yard hash-mark. The drive starts with Marino sneaking up the middle for 4 yards, followed by two Sammie Smith runs to get the first down. Marino finally goes to the air after he gets word that his conceal-and-carry permit went through and finds Mark Duper, who pulls in the Marino laser in double coverage at the Chicago 17. The drive seems to stall there, however, with two batted away passes followed by a wild overthrow of Paige in the back of the end zone. Stoyanovich is on to make things dramatic from 33-yards out with a field goal off the right upright.

Chicago leads 7-3

DOG PILE!!

Johnny Bailey takes back the first Chicago return of the day to the 48-yard line after Stoyanovich's kick goes for fewer yards than the pee-wee division of Punt, Pass 'n Kick. Harbaugh's pass to Wendell Davis is incomplete, keeping Harbaugh near his average of 0% in completions, however that is destroyed when he hits Anderson on the run who ends up going for 50 yards to the Miami 2-yard line. Harbaugh brings his total back down to the median with a batted away pass to Davis in the end zone, before going with the obvious Anderson hand-off for Neal's second touchdown of the day.

Chicago leads 14-3

The last play of the wild first quarter is a long Marc Logan return to the Chicago 45-yard line.

Quarter Two
Paige takes the ball on first down and runs for 15 yards to the Chicago 25-yard line. After the conversion, Marino drops back to pass, throwing it away despite nobody being covered, although a group of headless tourists get a nice souvenir. Smith gets the ball on second down and travels for 4 yards, but the final 6 aren't picked up on third down when the Fridge records his first sack of the day. Stoyanovich is back out for the second time, and apparently my Tecmo game is lazy as it puts up the same cinema screen of the ball bouncing in off of the right upright.

Chicago leads 14-6

Muster surprisingly gets the ball on first down, making this only the second time this has happened since my 4-year old cousin was mashing buttons on his controller. Of course, he fumbles it, but Harbaugh saves him and follows that up with a nervous pass into coverage that is nearly picked off. Anderson finally gets involved on 3rd-and-8, and loses yardage on a play that's not picked by the defense for only the second time since my 10-year old cousin thought he picked the Hail Mary pass.

Never underestimate the Ferrell factor

Tony Martin takes the punt and gets it to the Miami 15-yard line with 1:52 left in the half. Paige takes a slant pass 25-yards to the Dolphins' 40 yard line, where Miami takes its first time out to find out what the hell happened to Ferrell Edmuds. After he's accounted for, Marino tosses the ball his way and Ferrell dives into coverage to pull it in at the 37-yard line for just his 4th reception this year. After a second time out, the Dolphins go with one of the lesser-popular 2-minute drill plays, the Paige handoff up the middle for 3 yards. With 49 seconds left, Miami takes its final time out and goes back to the air with a play-action pass to Clayton. The ball is knocked away, however, and now the 'Phins face 3rd-and-7 with 33 seconds left. Marino's receivers are covered, and so he wisely goes 12 yards to get within Stoyanovich upright-bangin' range, in which Pete banks it for the third straight rimshot to end the half.

Chicago leads 14-9

Halftime - Bears 14, Dolphins 9

Weave, Neal! WEAVE!

Quarter Three
Stoyanovich finally lets loose with a full-power kick, which Bailey takes out from the back of the end zone to the Chicago 8-yard line. Muster takes the ball on two straight runs, meaning the Bears have officially entered taunting territory. Anderson gets the ball twice after that, shaming Muster with his two straight first-down conversion runs, followed by a third run in which he finally breaks loose for 33 yards before barely getting tripped up in a footrace with a Miami defender. And it's yet another piece of evidence to show how programmers didn't anticipate the popular 'weaving back and forth' method, one that would have inevitably led to a Chicago score. After an incomplete pass in the end zone, Anderson runs for 9.9 yards. On 3rd-and-inches, Anderson follows some great blocks for another 23 yards to the Miami 4-yard line. Muster is denied on a 3 yard run, while Anderson picks at the remains for his second vultured touchdown and third on the day.

Chicago leads 21-9

Logan isn't so fortunate on his fourth return, only getting to the Miami 9-yard line to set up the Dolphins' longest drive of the day. It doesn't start well, when a pass to a wide open Mark Clayton along the sideline is batted away by a leaping Richard Dent, who could have fit a whole deep dish pizza beneath his feet. Smith gets the ball twice after that, but both runs are short of the first down. Reggie Roby is on for his first punt of the day, and he sails it 73 yards, nailing a kissing couple on the Navy Pier.

Neal Anderson runs twice before the quarter expires, with one of those runs nearly ending in the Bears O-line needing to be excavated from the frozen Soldier Field tundra.

Quarter Four
The fourth quarter begins with Neal Anderson converting the first down, something that didn't look so positive at the end of the last quarter. Harbaugh uses the fresh set of downs to go deep to James Thornton, who drags it down at the Miami 20-yard line for a 42-yard connection. One play later, Da Bears find themselves again at the Miami 2-yard line after a Harbaugh-Ron Morris connection. The Miami defense finally comes alive when Jeff Cross drops Harbaugh for a loss of 9. Anderson can't pull in a Harbaugh pass in double coverage, denying himself his fourth touchdown and angering throngs of pad-and-pencil fantasy footballers. Perhaps the only people angrier are Kevin Butler owners, as he can't convert the chip shot field goal.

Damn you, trigonometry!

Playing down by 11 with just over 3 minutes to go, Marino hustles his team on the field and immediately hustles them back off with a poorly placed interception to Lemuel Stinson at the Chicago 45-yard line.

That other receiver must have seen a squirrel

With another chance, Anderson zig-zags for his most beautiful run of the day for 27-yards. Two plays later, Harbaugh finds a leaping Morris for 26-yards to the Miami 2-yard line, where they seemed to have dug a trench. This time, John Offerdahl gobbles Harbaugh up for a loss of 11. Muster chugs along for 6 yards, coming up short yet again in scoring and in keeping his parents from wondering how the Andersons got so lucky. On 3rd-and-goal from the 7-yard line, Anderson takes the pitch but moves back up to the middle to run into his own line, once again preventing himself from scoring for the fourth time today. Luckily Butler gets his kick in off the left upright, otherwise there might have been a few burning crosses on his lawn overnight.

Chicago leads 24-9

Down by 15, Miami is facing the impossibility of needing three Tecmo scores as opposed to two normal scores. Logan gets the ball to the Miami 36-yard line with 51 seconds left. And in just a few more seconds, Marino throws for only the second time this quarter, and once again it's not to one of his own receivers.

Muster gets the ball on first down, and caps off his forgettable night by fumbling it over to Cliff Odom, who thunderfoots it just long enough to let the clock expire and mercifully keep Marino off the field.

Final: Bears 24, Dolphins 9

The Bears came out tonight and did what they had to do to keep moving forward in this race, while also making fools of the 'Phins. Miami didn't look like the dominant team they've been throughout the middle part of the season, staying in this game for about as long as the break between Harry Galbreath's meals. Anderson was the star of this one, scoring 3 touchdowns (although walking away from a possible 2 more) and it appears he's getting hot again just in time, leading the league in yards and touchdowns by a large margin. The Dolphins still hold control over the AFC East, but after Marino's shaky performance here, we imagine it's only a matter of time before he's wearing a 'I <3 Bills' shirt and paying for expensive meals with Bruce Smith.