Week Sixteen: Jack Pardee Nipping at Your Nose

The wrapping paper is off and the plates are sitting by the sink, caked in gravy and ham grease. You're sitting there, fireplace dying out, clothed in your new bathrobe and playing with your new Poetry Processor, the sounds of the football game fizzling behind you. It's Week Sixteen in the 1992 Tecmo Season, and either you're over the whole concept of football or you're just finally feeling the drool build up in the corners of your mouth. It's the week when playoff prognoses turn into realities and most teams are forced to carry their suitcases into their locker rooms. With eyes trained to look toward the New Year, the last week in December usually gets a bum rap. It's time we spice things up around here with our penultimate pronouncements of some passionate pigskin play!

 

1:00 Games

Green Bay (4-10) * L.A. Rams (7-7) 

Playoff Implications: Rams eliminated with a loss 

Los Angeles staves off the unavoidable for now with a passable win over the disappointing Packers. With the opportunity to spoil more than just the locker room egg nog, Green Bay cashed it in early with Favre unable to hit 100 yards passing against throwing 2 interceptions and Vince Workman leading the team in rushing with 46 yards on 7 attempts. Jim Everett put up 234 yards on his own, and the flashing bulbs reading "what could have been" over his head are never more noticeable.

Final Score: Rams 19, Packers 7

Houston (10-4) * Cleveland (7-7)

Playoff Implications: Oilers claim division with win

On the verge of falling short in an otherwise surprising season, the Browns not only pulled out an upset but solidly beat a Houston team with its sights set on a second consecutive division crown. Mike Tomczak reminded Warren Moon how a hungry quarterback plays with an uncharacteristic 278 passing yards (125 to Michael Jackson) and a 78% completion rating. With the win, Cleveland not only stays alive in the wild card but takes control of their destiny with a week remaining.

Final Score: Browns 28, Oilers 14

Dallas (9-5) * Atlanta (11-3)
Playoff Implications: Falcons clinch playoff berth with win
The Falcons slip up at perhaps the worst possible time in a division that was never a cake walk, falling to the red-hot Cowboys when a win could have put them in a possible division-clinching scenario. Chris Miller played less-than-inspired with just 140 yards and 3 picks, and though Troy Aikman wasn't much more exciting with 187 passing yards, his 0 interceptions and 90% completion rating have him in good shape for a deep playoff run. They put some distance between themselves and the wild card while also keeping the heat on Philadelphia.

Final Score: Cowboys 31, Falcons 10

San Diego (10-4) * L.A. Raiders (6-8)
Playoff Implications: Raiders eliminated with a loss
The Raiders are the second California team to avoid a playoff beheading with a season sweep of the now-reigning division champion San Diego Chargers. All Jay Schroeder had to do was sit back and let Stan Humphries show off his vulnerabilities, throwing just 104 yards with 3 interceptions. The Raiders win more convincingly this time around, keeping their heels entrenched in the mud. And though the Chargers were the first team in the postseason, they're now convincing most that they'll be the first out of it as well.

Final Score: Raiders 24, Chargers 7

Cincinnati (6-8) * New England (4-10)
Playoff Implications: Bengals eliminated with a loss
Cincinnati is the first team mercifully relieved of their duties after allowing the Patriots to score a late touchdown. Though New England has been nothing short of miserable, their glowing beacon in the night continues to be Kevin Turner, who put up not only another 100+ yard rushing game, but also caught 132 yards out of the backfield on just 3 receptions. His performance is enough to spoil a second showing in two years for the Bengals, giving Boomer a chance to bow of the season out as ungraciously as he entered it.

Final Score: Patriots 24, Bengals 21

Miami (10-3-1) * N.Y. Jets (7-6-1)
Playoff Implications: Dolphins claim division with win
                        Jets eliminate Raiders with win
In a divisional playoff that should have been, the Dolphins win the season series by actually defeating their divisional foe. The Jets beat Miami on the ground and, surprisingly, through the air, with Browning Nagle out-throwing Dan Marino 218 yards to 133, though it was obvious that Miami was comfortable with sitting back and letting the Jets self-destruct as they have all season. The Dolphins are the second team to swim into the playoffs, while the Raiders are able to hold their breath for another long week with New York losing.

Final Score: Dolphins 20, Jets 17

San Francisco (9-5) * Tampa Bay (6-8)
Playoff Implications: 49ers eliminated from NFC West with loss
In what will go down as perhaps the most befuddling chapter of the 49ers already puzzling season, the Buccaneers lay waste to a San Francisco team already wasted by a late-season slump that spelled their ultimate demise. Steve Young couldn't keep up with his old team, getting out-thrown by Vinny Testaverde 272 yards to 228, and though Tampa Bay was eliminated a week ago they still surprisingly play with enough heart to spoil the party for a team that nearly had their postseason spot etched in stone just a few weeks ago.

Final Score: Buccaneers 27, 49ers 24

Buffalo (9-5) * New Orleans (10-4)
Playoff Implications: Saints clinch playoff berth with win
Though the playoffs were more than an afterthought in Saints' fans minds halfway through the season, they now find the road a little tougher after falling victim to the hottest team in the NFL. The Buffalo Bills already claimed their second postseason trip with the Jets losing to Miami, yet handling a tough team in New Orleans was just as important to prove their mettle. Thurman Thomas is firmly entrenched in MVP talks with another stellar game of 111 yards on 14 attempts before injury, though with the berth the Bills hope to have their lame horse rested come playoff time.

Final Score: Bills 23, Saints 14

Minnesota (9-5) * Pittsburgh (8-6)
Playoff Implications: Steelers eliminated, Oilers clinch AFC Central with loss
The Vikings keep themselves alive with a needed win over the Steelers, while doing double duty by booting their opponents out of an improbable division race and allowing Houston to claim another backdoor title. Pittsburgh is dangerously close to letting their schizophrenic season be their undoing, with Barry Foster's 90 yards on 9 attempts not good enough to cover Neil O'Donnell's neck-straining performance of just 22 passing yards. The Steelers need help into the playoffs, but once there it may be a matter of who's willing to take "The Beard" out to pasture anyway.

Final Score: Vikings 24, Steelers 14

4:00 Games

Denver (5-9) * Seattle (4-10)

Playoff Implications: None

John Elway had a quietly consistent game in what was set to be a snoozer in the AFC West, throwing 235 yards with 91% of his passes reaching his receivers. Stan Gelbaugh was also efficient enough, keeping the ball out of the hands of his opponents. Though the book of both teams' seasons were written and closed early on, it's still possible for them to put on a performance like this that gives us hope for seasons to come. It's also possible that playing in an empty, silent arena helps the level of play as well. 

Final Score: Broncos 28, Seahawks 24

N.Y. Giants (5-9) * Kansas City (3-11)

Playoff Implications: None

While there's one story going on with teams in the playoff hunt, there's another one going on somewhere near the bottom of the barrel between teams hustling to not be the worst when the dust is settled. Kansas City gets just their fourth win in 16 tries by playing against one of those rare quarterbacks that is actually worse than Dave Krieg in a Kansas City uniform. The game was won by Kansas City through the air, with Krieg finding the unlikely Barry Word for 101 yards, a number Hostetler only has wet dreams about.

Final Score: Chiefs 28, Giants 21

Detroit (4-10) * Chicago (9-5)

Playoff Implications: Bears eliminate Rams with win

Chicago keeps the wild card annoyingly and excitingly convoluted and crowded with a slim win over their divisional brothers in Detroit. Brad Muster and Barry Sanders ran an identical 14 times, though Muster won the ground game by 3 yards. The air battle was lackluster and somewhat depressing for a late-season battle with playoff meddling on the line for the Lions, reminding us how relieved we are to not see Detroit in a postseason chair and how nervous we are to see Jim Harbaugh harpooning the backs of receivers in a wild card contest.

Final Score: Bears 17, Lions 14

Indianapolis (4-10) * Phoenix (2-12)

Playoff Implications: Cardinals eliminate Colts from the Jimmy V Celebrity Golf 

                         Classic with win

Chris Chandler plays for his career with the number one draft pick on the line, throwing 320 yards with 78% of his passes completed and the Cardinals have a third win under their belts. Ricky Proehl remained invisible all day, racking up 226 yards on 8 catches to keep Phoenix distanced from the Colts, who still haven't recovered from the 10-consecutive loss streak that will define their illustriously unsettling season. Somewhere, the 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers are uncorking another bottle of champagne.

Final Score: Cardinals 30, Colts 17

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Monday Night Football

Philadelphia (10-4) * Washington (8-6)

Playoff Implications: Eagles clinch playoff berth with win

                        Redskins eliminated with loss

While most of you were nestling snugly in your beds, candy canes in your grubby clutches and all, there was a football game going on between Philadelphia and Washington. The last Monday Night contest was a fitting one, with more than just lost love on the line between the two divisional foes. A season removed from their Tecmo Bowl run, the Redskins found themselves in a do-or-die situation with Chicago and Dallas winning the day previous, while the Eagles had a chance at redemption by eliminating their pesky siblings a season after Washington came from behind to send Philadelphia packing in Week 17.

The first quarter was all about momentum, or, more appropriately, the lack thereof. Just as Philadelphia flirted with scoring, Herschel Walker dropped the first of what would be many fumbles throughout the day, allowing the Redskins the chance to turn the game around quickly. Unfortunately for them, they ran into one of the better defenses in the NFC and were forced to punt the ball back to the dangerous Randall Cunningham-led offense. Of course, as dangerous as Cunningham is to other teams, he is to his own when he threw a pick on his first pass. Mark Rypien plays hot potato with the ball, giving it back on his first play and allowing the Eagles a chance at redeeming themselves in Washington territory.

End of 1st Quarter - Eagles 0, Redskins 0

The second quarter quickly began by imitating the first, with Walker bobbling over his second fumble in the red zone. Washington once again went nowhere on their next drive, punting it back to Philadelphia. After another slow drive got its start, the rumblings in the stands began of fans fearing another Miami/New York debacle. Suddenly, Cunningham let one rip down the sideline to Freddy Barnett, picking up a svelte 47 yards. The Eagles kept the yardage positive down the rest of the field, capping it off with an exciting cross-body throw from Cunningham to Barnett that finally put a crooked number on the scoreboard just before the half.

Halftime - Eagles 7, Redskins 0

Washington took the ball to start the second half, and were immediately rewarded with an Earnest Byner injury. Fortunately, Rypien found his second biggest weapon in Ricky Ervins with a 50-yard touchdown connection that had Ervins outracing nearly all of Philadelphia's defenders. The Eagles responded with a quick drive deep into Redskins' territory, but not scoring quickly enough came back to bite them in the form of a third lost Walker fumble. Ricky Sanders told the story of Washington's next drive, taking the reverse for three straight plays that equalled 12 yards, then -5 and another -5. Ervins couldn't bail his quarterback out a second time, and Kelly Goodburn readied another punt going into the fourth quarter.

End of 3rd Quarter - Eagles 7, Redskins 7

Cunningham finally broke open for a big run, streaking for 57 yards to the Washington 33 and setting up a second Cunningham-to-Barnett connection to regain the lead. The Redskins continued the scoring flurry however, with Sanders getting his reverse on for 32 yards on 2 carries after a stellar Brian Mitchell return. Sanders capped off the drive in style with another reverse to tie the game. With enough time remaining to suck the air out of a second Tecmo Bowl trip for Washington, the Eagles drove fast and hard behind the daggers of Keith Byars, finally setting up a Calvin Williams catch-and-run up the middle to score.

Final Score: Eagles 21, Redskins 14

Knowing what was necessary to keep their dreams of a repeat alive, the Redskins found their foes in Philadelphia to be a bit more tough and hungry than they, falling short of not just another division crown but a playoff berth altogether in the midst of a highly competitive NFC field. Though the holidays were cut short for our friends from the nation's capitol, the rest of us are caught up now and ready to look ahead to the final week of blood-letting in this long and difficult 1992 season. The Eagles have the best chance to lay claim to the NFC East, and after this performance that saw them do everything outside of relenting it's almost a given. With an offense that's clicking and a defense that cracks mirrors, Philadelphia appears to not fear the short week ahead of them riding into the last week of regular season play.

Looking Ahead: Week Sixteen

A long season is nearing its inevitable close, and yet we've just one champion in our midst: the San Diego Chargers. With only one team riding the magic carpet into the playoffs, it's going to be a bloodbath come Sunday as the rest are just a win (or loss from a rival) away from the crown. While not all of these match-ups contain divisional dust-ups and seem less significant than others, they all play some role, major or minor, in the calculating of algorithms that decide the destiny of each of our teams still in the hunt. The apocalypse is about to come 20 years early for a few of our beloved squads, and all we can say here is that the people we are today aren't going to be the same people we'll be once Monday morning hits. Let's get the rations ready.

The early games feature many teams still hanging on by their dirty, chipped fingernails to any playoff hopes. A year out from an improbable division championship, the Rams are now just a loss away from elimination, while even a win against the Packers has them scoreboard watching. Though Cleveland was just wiped from contention in the AFC Central, a division they had no business winning anyway, they still see light at the end of the tunnel should they beat their big brothers in Houston. Atlanta and Dallas meet in an NFC affair with playoff implications, while the Chargers hope to avenge their loss to the Raiders by knocking the silver and black bullies out of playoff consideration altogether.

Perhaps the most interesting match-up of the early games is one that could have been a de facto division championship between the Dolphins and Jets. Though New York is out of their own divisional race after sinking 4 of their last 5 games, they still hold the executioner's axe in the wild card race. Thanks to their tie game against Miami earlier in the year, they now hold the advantage over Cleveland, Cincinnati and Los Angeles, and a win would all-but behead all three teams' hopes of any postseason life. Meanwhile, San Francisco looks to get back in the NFC West, though with two games to go they may have found they waited too long. They'll need some help from Buffalo against New Orleans. The Bills, using a late-season 5-game win streak, are keeping Miami's heels a bit hotter than they'd like in the AFC East. And finally, we urge you to not avert your eyes despite how much you may desire to as Minnesota and Pittsburgh battle to see who wants out of the playoffs the most in their respective divisions.

Aside from Chicago trying to avoid a spoiler loss against Detroit to possibly leapfrog the Vikings, our late games mean nothing, and would quite possibly be a good time to plow yourself out of the snow fort nature built around your house over the weekend. Or get your special someone something from the Tecmo Bowl store for the holidays.

And finally, we're proud to present our final featured game in the Tecmo Bowl 1992 season. The Philadelphia Eagles return to the spotlight for the first time since Week One, where they'll take on reigning NFC Champions, the Washington Redskins. Washington was all but left for dead just a few weeks ago, yet suddenly they're back in the picture. Just as they did a year ago, the Redskins are more than ready to give the nearly-crowned Eagles a battle to the finish tape. Washington took Philadelphia to the limit in Week 7, and this time it's a do-or-die situation. Be here for this special Wednesday Night Football match-up when your Wii U inevitably bursts into flames the morning after Christmas.

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AFC

2 Games to Go

(^=playoffs *=division #=home field)

AFC East

^Miami (10-3-1) DIVISION with win OR BUF loss

Buffalo (9-5) -1.5 (Lose and out OR MIA win and out)

NY Jets (7-6-1) E

New England (4-10) E

Indianapolis (4-10) E

AFC Central

^Houston (10-4) DIVISION with win OR PIT loss

Pittsburgh (8-6) -2 (Lose and out OR HOU win and out)

Cleveland (7-7) E

Cincinnati (6-8) E

AFC West

*San Diego (10-4)

LA Raiders (6-8) E

Denver (5-9) E

Seattle (4-10) E

Kansas City (3-11) E

Wild Card

Buffalo (9-5) WILD CARD with win OR JET OR CLE loss

Pittsburgh (8-6) WILD CARD with win AND JET OR CLE loss

NY Jets (7-6-1) WILD CARD with win AND CLE, CIN, and RAI losses

Cleveland (7-7) -.5 (Lose AND JET win and out)

Cincinnati (6-8) -1.5 (Lose and out OR JET win and out)

LA Raiders (6-8) -1.5 (Lose and out OR JET win and out)

Denver (5-9) E

Seattle (4-10) E

New England (4-10) E

Indianapolis (4-10) E

Kansas City (3-11) E

 NFC

2 Games to Go

(^=playoffs *=division #=home field)

NFC East

Philadelphia (10-4) DIVISION with win AND DAL, WAS loss

Dallas (9-5) (Lose AND PHI win and out)

Washington (8-6) -2 (Lose and out OR PHI win and out)

NY Giants (5-9) E

Phoenix (2-12) E

NFC Central

Minnesota (9-5)

Chicago (9-5)

Tampa Bay (5-9) E

Detroit (4-10) E

Green Bay (4-10) E

NFC West

Atlanta (11-3) DIVISION with win AND NO loss

New Orleans (10-4) -1 (Lose AND ATL win and out)

San Francisco (9-5) -2 (Lose and out OR ATL win and out)

LA Rams (7-7) E

Wild Card

New Orleans (10-4) WILD CARD with win AND SF, DAL or CHI loss

San Francisco (9-5)

Dallas (9-5)

Chicago (9-5)

Washington (8-6) -1 (Lose AND any 2 of SF, DAL or CHI win and out)

LA Rams (7-7) -2 (Lose and out OR any 2 of SF, DAL or CHI win and out)

Tampa Bay (5-9) E

NY Giants (5-9) E

Detroit (4-10) E

Green Bay (4-10) E

Phoenix (2-12) E

Monday Night Football: N.Y. Jets vs. Miami

The football gods have opened the gate to Mount Tecmo Olympus for another exciting Monday night affair, this time between the Jets out of New York and the Miami Dolphins. Both tied atop the standings in their division, they'll be duking it out for the pleasure of the rest of us and for sole ownership of the AFC East halfway through the season. It's experience versus excitement, extraordinary versus extravagant and, at times, execution versus excrement with Dan Marino and company attempting to hold off the rising fleet of Brad Baxter's battalion. Let's head down to the action.

Quarter One

Former Pro Bowl running back-turned-returner Bobby Humphrey brings the ball out to his team's 30-yard line to start this contest. With Dan Marino good and liquored up and all of his weapons at hand, he chooses to stick the ball into the gut of Mark Higgs, whose rush attack is taken out by the Jets for a loss of 6 yards. Marino finds his one open receiver, Tony Paige, on the next play for a gain of 16 needed for the first down. The next two plays see the Dolphins moving backwards against the top defense in the league, with a Tony Paige drop for -1 yards and Paul Frase getting his sixth sack of the year. On 3rd and 23, Marino's 5-yard pass to Tony Paige is considerably too short to convert the NFL-regulated yardage for a first down.

Punt return specialist Terance Mathis returns the kick all the way to his team's 39-yard line to give New York a relatively short field. Blair Thomas works out an underwhelming 2 yards, though it's a rousing success when placed up next to Browning Nagle's horrifying overthrow of a wide open Rob Moore along the sidelines. On 3rd and 8, Nagle drops back before making the terrible yet charming rookie mistake of going on the run. With only 3 yards gained, Louie Aguiar is out to show off his dangerously defined thigh muscles.

Humphrey takes the dangerous Aguiar punt at the 1-yard line and fights his way to the 9. From there, the mountain of a man known only as 'M' Washington tackles Marino dangerously close to his own end zone. On second down, Higgs erases the deficit with a 9 yard run back to the original line of scrimmage, followed by an expertly avoided sack by Marino to complete a pass to Paige for 37 yards. And thus, the quarter ends with Miami on the move.

Quarter Two
Marino puts his surgically enhanced robo-legs to good use with a 10 yards jaunt into New York's territory. Needing a breather, Dan hands the ball of to Tony Paige, a play that puts Miami right back on their side of the fifty. However, in the process of two more plays, Paige picks up 22 yards, a first down, and a Fila endorsement. From the shotgun formation, Marino avoids every one of New York's front seven to find Mark Duper open in the corner for the first strike.

Miami leads 7-0

Mathis secures another nice kick return to midfield for his Jets. The drive starts promising, with Nagle wheeling and dealing on his youthful legs for 14 yards, catching the Miami defense unawares. Brad Baxter works overtime on the next series of plays, picking up another first down on three separate runs. Another Baxter carry is split up with a nice 11 yard run from Blair Thomas, and out of nowhere the Jets are sniffing the end zone themselves. As has been the story all season, Thomas and Baxter work in tandem to pick up the touchdown, with Baxter dodging a few Miami defenders for the score as Nagle sips on his Capri Sun in the backfield.

Score tied 7-7

With the game starting to hit a sustainable excitement level, Humphrey jukes and jives his kick return to the Dolphins' 40-yard line. As the clock mercilessly sends its sands of time through the hourglass, Tony Paige chugs a slow 20-yard run to chew up nearly 40 seconds. He manages to pick up 6 more to get somewhere within 20 yards of Pete Stoyanovich's range. With the game clock winding to 0:00, Stoyanovich careens the ball wide left for his fifth missed boot on the season.

Halftime - Dolphins 7, Jets 7

Quarter Three
From the back of the end zone, Mathis hauls the ball out to New York's 10-yard line. Compound that poor return with a J.B. Brown sack of Nagle, and the Jets are now struggling to continue their drive on grass a few shades darker green than the regular turf. On 2nd and 18, Nagle's pitch to Baxter gains a modest yard. Thomas can't play hero on 3rd down when he plants his face into Siupeli Malamala's backside, and Aguiar is out for another decent 50-yard punt.

From their own 37-yard line, Marino hikes the ball from the shotgun position and baits the defenders. His expertly plotted out play ends in failure regardless, however, when he aims the ball for Mark Higgs rather than the clearly more able-handed and wide open Mark Duper. Kyle Clifton takes credit for a sack of Marino on second down, whereupon Paul Frase accepts Clifton's challenge and sacks Marino for the second time. Reggie Roby is out to punt the ball, and for some reason we're having a difficult time describing why he looks so much different than every other Tecmo punter.

Mathis gets pinned at the Jets' 15-yard line. From scrimmage, New York avoids a heart-stopping scare when Blair Thomas coughs the ball up at his own 25-yard line, though he's able to save the drive for at least three more plays when he picks it up. Nagle shows off his powerful arm once more by overshooting Moore by about 20 yards. Smartly, he goes back to planting the ball in the more dependable arms of his backs, until Dwight Hollier makes his presence known with a sack of Nagle to stall the drive.

Aguiar expertly places his punt at the Miami 2-yard line, a kick that becomes ever more significant when Humphrey bobbles it over to Brad Baxter for a special teams touchdown to quickly turn the tide back to New York's favor as the quarter ends.

New York leads 14-7

Quarter Four
A poor Cary Blanchard kick has Humphrey redeeming himself with a nice return to the Miami 46-yard line. When Marino's lob to Duper is denied, he turns to Mark v2, who's been shut out all day, and Clayton chalks up 27 yards on the completion. Marino tries his best to get it back to Duper, but the ball is batted away once more. Undaunted, Marino tries a third time, and on this occasion, Erik McMillan makes him pay with an interception in the end zone.

The ball is placed in the hands of Browning Nagle to seal the win, though he perhaps hangs on to it too long when he absorbs his third sack of the day for a 3-yard loss. Nagle attempts another throw to Moore, and though it's on target this time, there just happens to be one Miami defender left on the field gullible yet lucky enough to think Nagle might try to pass again. The ball is batted away, setting up a 3rd down play in which Dwight Hollier gets yet another sack of Nagle to quickly turn the ball back over to the Dolphins. Aguiar punts from the shadow of 40,000 unhappy Jets fans.

Humphrey takes the return at the Miami 48-yard line, but is tackled immediately afterward. An angry Jets blitz tackles Paige for a loss of 6 yards, though Marino's calm roll-out on the next play finds Mark Clayton for a first down conversion in Jets territory. Miami calls some efficient Higgs and Marino runs, then take their last time-out with 1:19 remaining. The call made during timeout was apparently the right one, as Marino picks Mark Clayton out of the four open receivers for a first down at the New York 15-yard line. With just under a minute to go, Clayton pulls the pass in coverage for Miami's second touchdown to tie this one up late.

Score tied 14-14

With Mathis returning the ball to the Jets' 39, Nagle gets to work attempting to put his Jets within Cary Blanchard praying range. With the clock and his own arm his worst enemy, Nagle still manages to finally find Thomas open for a completion at the Miami 42-yard line. With just 5 seconds left, Blanchard is out to send the Jets into first place, but his kick is hopelessly wide left. Get the coffee maker ready, it's overtime on Monday Night Football.

Overtime
Miami wins the toss, and Humphrey returns the ball like a Dolphin possessed. Starting from their own 44-yard line, Marino sends Paige up the middle for a gain of 2 yards. From there, he drops back, but fools the overly-concerned New York secondary and takes off on the run for another 15 yards. Paige plods another 11 yards on top of the rolled-over Jets defense to the New York 26-yard line. Coach Shula, either learning nothing of his own greed or everything about Pete Stoyanovich's leg, opts to go for another play, and in the end pays with another McMillan interception of Marino in the end zone.

Nagle gets the Jets' drive started off on the right foot with a lateral pass to Baxter for a loss of 2. Nagle attempts to right himself with a throw to Chris Burkett, but the other side of the field is just as vulnerable to his inaccurate arm. On 3rd and 12, Nagle opts for the short pass to Blair Thomas, who's able to make a Grecian sculpture out of Browning's excrement by picking up 24 yards. Apparently this was the last straw for the usually serene Miami front seven, as they blitz twice in a row to pick up their fifth sack of the day and set the Jets up in another 3rd and long situation. Needing 19, Nagle shoots for tight end but comes up empty.

Humphrey gives his team another shot at the 44-yard line, though after Marino's third pick he may be reading the fine print in the trade clause of his contract. Mike Brim gives his team one more shot with his first interception of the year.

With 45 seconds left and playing from midfield, Nagle throws a pass to Rob Moore. It's only his first interception on the day, yet it's an ill-timed one. The clock eventually winds out on Troy Vincent's return, sealing this one up with Marino and Nagle kissing their respective sisters.

 Final: Dolphins 14, Jets 14


It happens about as often as every senatorial election year: the tie game. In the entire existence of The Tecmo Bowl league, it's happened twice. And this one couldn't have happened to a more promising game, filled with the explosive play of Miami and the mistake-laden yet always unpredictable play of New York. Unfortunately, with the spotlights shining bright, we saw none of that as Marino threw three picks, two in overtime, while Browning Nagle tried his best to imitate his veteran opponent. Nobody's more upset about wasting people's time than I am, and for this I've chosen to boycott the rest of these teams' seasons. Sure, maybe this tie will now mathematically assist the Jets in an improbable playoff spot, but I no longer care. If I have to put up with Browning Nagle trying out his blind amputee impersonation against the Oilers in the postseason, I may get violent for just the second time in my life.

Divisional Playoffs: Saturday Edition

Today we'll get to witness two games featuring the teams we predicted to clash in this year's Tecmo Bowl, Buffalo and San Francisco. One's at home, while the other has to travel across the country, but in the end we're pretty certain both should collide in the Hubert Humphrey Metrodome come February. Buffalo's had one week off, giving Bruce Smith extra time to watch videos of Dan Marino abusing his dog, and with most of Miami hobbling into the blustery white north we don't have high hopes for the Fish. San Francisco rolls into the nation's capital behind a 38-0 drubbing of a one-time dark horse in the New York Giants, but with a week off and playing at home who knows what Mark Rypien and his silent-but-deadly offense has in store for the Niners. We think they'll be okay as long as they can avoid the offensive silent-but-deadly emissions of a one Matt Millen.

4 Miami Dolphins (12-5) at 2 Buffalo Bills (12-3-1)

Quarter One
Florida native Louis Oliver does his home state proud by picking off QB Bills on the first play of the game, a deep pass to James Lofton. We've seen enough Tecmo Bills game outcomes to know it's much to early to uncork the champagne, but we'll still give props any time Buffalo is slightly humanized.

Marino's XFL tryouts didn't go so well

The Dolphins' first play from scrimmage is equally as disastrous, but perhaps with more impactful consequences when Dan Marino joins Mark Clayton and Marc Logan in getting fed through a tube. The trainers have to take two trips to carry off the pieces of Marino while Bruce Smith can see the dollars pouring into his Cayman Islands account. Miami promptly goes three and out when replacement Scott Mitchell comes in wearing his practice uniform asking what a football is supposed to look like. Thankfully Pete Stoyanovich still knows how to kick one, and he puts on 3 points for Miami's efforts.

Miami leads 3-0

Buffalo's second drive runs much smoother and irritatingly more predictable as the A.I. realizes which team is actually playing now and makes sure all of QB Bills' passes into double coverage meet with resounding success. Behind some sturdy running from Thurman Thomas, the Bills get down to the Miami six-yard line. Three plays later and Andre Reed's pulling a pass down in double coverage to put Buffalo up.

Buffalo leads 7-3

Quarter Two
Scott Mitchell can still taste Marino on Bruce Smith's breath when he takes a sack on 3rd-and-6 deep inside his own territory. Reggie Roby's on to punt, and if anyone makes a used-up reference about his race here we'll feel compelled to remind you that we here at The Tecmo Bowl don't see race. And in some cases, neither do the programmers in charge of our beloved 8-bit capsule of escapism.

QB Bills and his offense get to work on piling up the score, and do it in embarrassing fashion when he lobs one up to Keith McKeller, who lets defenders fall down around him in awe of his ability to run in place and still score.

Buffalo leads 14-3

The Dolphins are suddenly facing 3rd-and-20 after another Bruce Smith sack, and soon after Mitchell remains perfectly imperfect with an 0-for-6 passing day by overthrowing Fred Banks. Roby's back out on the field, the only member of the Dolphins to move the ball into opponents' territory all day.

He's got a better chance catching that cloud than a Mitchell pass

Miami can't catch a break when QB Bills fumbles on third down, as Jamie Mueller picks it up. He doesn't convert the first down, but makes it possible for Rick Tuten to make a rare playoff appearance and punt it deep into Dolphins territory with just under a minute in the half.

The Dolphins are driving, and by that we mean they racked up more than 10 yards in three tries. With only 7 seconds left at midfield, Ray Bentley stuffs comeback Scott to keep a robust lead over his divisional rivals before halftime.

Halftime - Bills 14, Dolphins 3

Quarter Three
While eleven points doesn't look like an insurmountable lead numerically, with Mitchell helming the ship it appears Miami has already hit the Bruce Smith iceberg and are sinking fast, with Tony Paige looking for a quickie in an old Model-A. This couldn't be made more apparent when the Dolphins crash and burn on another 3-and-out, even with 3 wide open receivers.

Oliver doing some 'twisting'

Buffalo stalls their run-up when Bills uncharacteristically overthrows James Lofton on third down and Tuten's on for a second consecutive punt. Meanwhile, they're putting on their coats in hell.

When Miami faces a 3rd-and-16 and decides their best option is Sammie Smith, it's more than likely an omen of terrible things to come.

The third quarter of play ends with a bright spot for Miami, when Oliver gets his second interception and keeps the Bills at bay. Unfortunately for them, Scott Mitchell didn't stay lost when Coach Shula drove him to the outskirts of west Buffalo with a blindfold on.

Quarter Four
Despite the momentum shift, the Dolphins don't get anything going on offense and soon face another third down. Mitchell gets a faceful of Shane Conlan, and on 4th-and-26 Coach Shula reaches down deep and pulls out some rather large Florida oranges when he goes for it. Mitchell goes to the air, but his pass bounces harmlessly out of Sammie Smith's hands. And now Shula's just standing around with his hands full of useless oranges.

Hey, it's a lonely world for a Tecmo Bills player

The Bills execute the famous fake to Mueller up the middle, pitch to Thomas around the left side to score on the first play, fooling everyone in a Miami uniform and nobody else.

Buffalo leads 21-3

Down by at least a trillion in reality points, the Dolphins call an aggressive round of plays that include a wild overthrow of Banks and Mitchell's first interception. While nobody could blame him for his gutsiness, mostly because he didn't have much to begin with, mostly everyone could blame him for not throwing it to a wide open Mark Duper along the sidelines. Especially Mark Duper.

Buffalo puts an exclamation point on their divisional win with a pass to Lofton in triple coverage that leads to another Reed touchdown a play later. Everyone rejoices, mainly because they've made it through another Buffalo formality playoff win.

Final - Bills 28, Dolphins 3

Miami played well enough last week to bounce out a talented Cincinnati team, but it appears that extra week of play was just enough to ravage the Dolphins' already well-ravaged team. Since neither team remembered the running aspect of the game, Bills appears to be very lucky that Marino was hooked up to an IV drip by their second drive, otherwise his 195 yards and 2 picks might actually have been a bad thing. With the season series being split this year, Buffalo wins the tiebreaker in the most meaningful spot to advance to the AFC Championship against the winner of the Oilers/Seahawks game tomorrow. So with that in mind, we can bet that they've already booked their tickets to Houston for the most bland, sterile Championship game since any BCS Bowl game, ever.

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4 San Francisco 49ers (11-6) at 2 Washington Redskins (10-6)

Before the Madden curse, there was the
"Play Against San Francisco in the Playoffs" Curse

Quarter One
Four plays in, and Mark Rypien is put on the IR. It's after this point that I was perfectly fine with walking away and warming up my soup to sit down with and watch the other-dimension Niners play the Saints on TV. Backup QB and pride of Northeast Louisiana University, Stan Humphries comes in and efficiently drives the team down for a touchdown behind Earnest Byner. Maybe this game will live up to the hype, after all.

Washington leads 7-0

The 49ers move quickly and earnestly down the field behind a few power runs from Tom Rathman, but at the Washington 36-yard line they are stalled. Mike Cofer comes on to nail it from 53-yards out, knowing points are at a premium against this number-2 ranked defense.

Washington leads 7-3

Humphries can't recapture the magic from the first drive, as the Redskins go 3-and-out. This is usually the point in a 49ers game where the tide turns like a South Beach tsunami on the opposing team, so with that picture in mind, I was all ready to put on my boots and start clearing out the snow that had started to dump on us outside.

Quarter Two
San Francisco puts together another solid drive behind Tom Rathman and the questionably healthy Roger Craig, but once again are surprisingly halted near the red zone. Cofer draws the 49ers closer with another field goal, this time from 35 yards out, calling on the doom clouds to move in.

Washington leads 7-6

The Redskins have ample time to answer with 1:47 before the half, but Pierce Holt has other plans, sacking Humphries twice and forcing Washington to punt back to his team. With 22 seconds left, Montana has more than enough time to throw the daggers he mysteriously snuck in on the flight to D.C.

The 49ers gain some yardage, but not enough before the half. Fortunately for them, they'll have another chance afterwards to cause a collective heartbreak so loud it'll be heard in Falls Church.

Halftime - Redskins 7, 49ers 6

Quarter Three
The 49ers finally score after a long Montana run, with Tom Rathman walking in from 2 yards out. They take the lead on the inevitable junk yards given up by Washington, but we'll give credit where credit is due to Montana, a man with the legs of a geriatric pole dancer, and say "way to inspire your team to remember that they like to cheat."

San Francisco leads 13-7

Some acrobatic moves by the Redskin on the 33

Byner and his Redskins answer strongly with a long, drawn-out drive of short strikes from Humphries sandwiching a 45-yard sprint from Byner. As the quarter pulls to a close, the Redskins retake the lead with a 13-yard scamper from Byner. And so where other teams caved in to the pressure of playing the 49ers in January, Washington appears to have no quit yet, even with their grand offensive wizard down for the count. They're all in for making this a game, and for that, I'm ready to let my soup get cold again and crack open another Schlitz.

Washington leads 14-13

Quarter Four
The 49ers take two plays to score again, behind a long catch-and-run from Jerry Rice and a John Taylor dive in the end zone. Just as I caught myself going through my normal routine of cuss words saved for this particular time of the Tecmo year, I realize that Washington still has a lot of time on the clock.

San Francisco leads 20-14

And a bad Cofer kick doesn't hurt. The Redskins start at midfield behind their new captain, Stan Humphries, a man they've been forced to accept whether they wanted to or not. He doesn't steer them wrong, humbly letting Gary Clark and Earnest Byner take the reins on two back-to-back 20+ yard runs that get Washington into the end zone and put the onus back on their defense for the final two and a half minutes.

Washington leads 21-20

The fans show disapproval with a poop-themed 'wave'

San Francisco takes a poor Chip Lohmiller kick out to the NFL shield, and from there start driving Rathman and Craig down Washington's throats. Facing a pivotal 3rd-and-6 at the 'Skins' 27-yard line, the 49ers call the Rathman off-tackle, a play that will either keep them the game or have them packing their bags in an improbable upset. Rathman takes the ball with no intention of stopping, but doesn't even face the possibility of having that concept challenged as he runs into the end zone uncontested to put San Francisco up by a now seemingly insurmountable lead at this point in the game.

San Francisco leads 27-21

Washington needs a touchdown. They need it, and the football gods above, those very same ones that would one day conceive a man they'd name 'Tebow' for his unwavering courage and irresistible smile, have decided to only give the Redskins 1 minute and 9 seconds with which to score. Because of this tense situation and all that is riding on the line, I've decided to break this drive down, in the case it later is turned into something that inspires the next Sam Spence classic.

1:09, Washington 38-yard line: Gary Clark runs a successful reverse play 10 yards, but eats up twenty seconds of the clock. The Redskins call their second time out.

:47, Washington 48-yard line: Clark pulls in a pass up the middle and dashes to the 49ers' 36-yard line. Washington calls their final time out.

:26, San Francisco 36-yard line: Humphries is massively blitzed, losing 6 yards and a few nerve endings in his tailbone.

Another classic in the making

:20, San Francisco 36-yard line: For all intensive purposes, it's the final play of the game barring a sack or a terribly called run play despite all of Earnest Byner's previous success. Luckily for us, Humphries decides to drop back. Unluckily for Washington, all of their receivers are dutifully covered in or near the end zone. Heaving it up on a wing and a prayer, the ball takes off in a wobbly lame-duck formation. And what happens next will haunt me for the rest of my years, as my finger was not on the trigger in the one time I actually needed it to be...

In all my life as a Tecmo player, I've had to hear of the rare double-jump sequence. The truth is, despite me thinking I'd seen everything there was to see, I was never certain that I'd seen this; perhaps I thought I did from all those years lying to my Tecmo peers with the hopes of looking cool, if that was a possibility. In any case, it was never really a concrete fact that I'd seen this play, the Holy Grail of Tecmo plays, so when I saw it here I nearly shit my pants, finally knowing now that it was something that I truly had never seen before and would most likely never be lucky enough to see again.

The Double Jump. A solitary war between two men--the loneliest men on the field. In this case, it was Ricky Sanders versus Don Griffin (most likely). It started with Sanders jumping as he sprinted into the end zone, something I was hoping to expect, and was ready for as I hit the 'Print Screen' button. But what followed was something so unexpected that I froze, unable to capture the moment, and so for all you know I could just be lying. But trust me, I wouldn't lie about this. Not only because it would be the lamest lie ever, but because I know that the only people who'd still be following this blog would be die-hard Tecmoers, ones that I'd have no reason lying to about something as magical as this moment.

Sanders was in the air, but now Griffin was there too, ready to do battle a la Frazier versus Ali or Hogan versus Ultimate Warrior. One set of hands reached for the ball...but whose? Would this game end in a deserved interception of a sub-par passer like Humphries? Or would Sanders fight off the athletic Griffin to pull in a ball that would not only cement Washington's place in the NFC Championship, but knock out the un-knock-outable in the San Francisco 49ers? I'll let the following screen capture give you the outcome.

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To Stan be the Glory

Final - Redskins 28, 49ers 27

This is the reason we do it, folks. The reason we go through our monotonous days at work, slaving for the man, knowing that we can come home to a cold beer and a warm Nintendo controller. We may not always get the girl or beat the Bills, but we continue to play knowing that even after twenty years there's still a flicker of magic left in that old cartridge somewhere. However, the last place I'd ever look for that flicker is in a COM versus COM game, especially with the 49ers involved in a Divisional playoff game. But there it was, waiting for me, telling me..telling us,  "you made it this far, now here are your just deserts." Washington beats San Francisco and advances to the Championship. A team filled with mettle and finesse at the same time. A team that beat out its rival in New York on the last day for the division crown. And they defended it well here, while also gaining back a measure of respect for a division that the 49ers made a mockery of last week. Even without the double jump animation, this game would have been magical; whether it be for the unwavering confidence of Stan Humphries, the heart of Earnest Byner, or the inspired play of the defense, Washington is now a team of destiny. They await the winner of Green Bay and Minnesota, two teams that must now know they're going to be in for a real dogfight in the NFC Championship.