Week Sixteen: Jack Pardee Nipping at Your Nose

The wrapping paper is off and the plates are sitting by the sink, caked in gravy and ham grease. You're sitting there, fireplace dying out, clothed in your new bathrobe and playing with your new Poetry Processor, the sounds of the football game fizzling behind you. It's Week Sixteen in the 1992 Tecmo Season, and either you're over the whole concept of football or you're just finally feeling the drool build up in the corners of your mouth. It's the week when playoff prognoses turn into realities and most teams are forced to carry their suitcases into their locker rooms. With eyes trained to look toward the New Year, the last week in December usually gets a bum rap. It's time we spice things up around here with our penultimate pronouncements of some passionate pigskin play!

 

1:00 Games

Green Bay (4-10) * L.A. Rams (7-7) 

Playoff Implications: Rams eliminated with a loss 

Los Angeles staves off the unavoidable for now with a passable win over the disappointing Packers. With the opportunity to spoil more than just the locker room egg nog, Green Bay cashed it in early with Favre unable to hit 100 yards passing against throwing 2 interceptions and Vince Workman leading the team in rushing with 46 yards on 7 attempts. Jim Everett put up 234 yards on his own, and the flashing bulbs reading "what could have been" over his head are never more noticeable.

Final Score: Rams 19, Packers 7

Houston (10-4) * Cleveland (7-7)

Playoff Implications: Oilers claim division with win

On the verge of falling short in an otherwise surprising season, the Browns not only pulled out an upset but solidly beat a Houston team with its sights set on a second consecutive division crown. Mike Tomczak reminded Warren Moon how a hungry quarterback plays with an uncharacteristic 278 passing yards (125 to Michael Jackson) and a 78% completion rating. With the win, Cleveland not only stays alive in the wild card but takes control of their destiny with a week remaining.

Final Score: Browns 28, Oilers 14

Dallas (9-5) * Atlanta (11-3)
Playoff Implications: Falcons clinch playoff berth with win
The Falcons slip up at perhaps the worst possible time in a division that was never a cake walk, falling to the red-hot Cowboys when a win could have put them in a possible division-clinching scenario. Chris Miller played less-than-inspired with just 140 yards and 3 picks, and though Troy Aikman wasn't much more exciting with 187 passing yards, his 0 interceptions and 90% completion rating have him in good shape for a deep playoff run. They put some distance between themselves and the wild card while also keeping the heat on Philadelphia.

Final Score: Cowboys 31, Falcons 10

San Diego (10-4) * L.A. Raiders (6-8)
Playoff Implications: Raiders eliminated with a loss
The Raiders are the second California team to avoid a playoff beheading with a season sweep of the now-reigning division champion San Diego Chargers. All Jay Schroeder had to do was sit back and let Stan Humphries show off his vulnerabilities, throwing just 104 yards with 3 interceptions. The Raiders win more convincingly this time around, keeping their heels entrenched in the mud. And though the Chargers were the first team in the postseason, they're now convincing most that they'll be the first out of it as well.

Final Score: Raiders 24, Chargers 7

Cincinnati (6-8) * New England (4-10)
Playoff Implications: Bengals eliminated with a loss
Cincinnati is the first team mercifully relieved of their duties after allowing the Patriots to score a late touchdown. Though New England has been nothing short of miserable, their glowing beacon in the night continues to be Kevin Turner, who put up not only another 100+ yard rushing game, but also caught 132 yards out of the backfield on just 3 receptions. His performance is enough to spoil a second showing in two years for the Bengals, giving Boomer a chance to bow of the season out as ungraciously as he entered it.

Final Score: Patriots 24, Bengals 21

Miami (10-3-1) * N.Y. Jets (7-6-1)
Playoff Implications: Dolphins claim division with win
                        Jets eliminate Raiders with win
In a divisional playoff that should have been, the Dolphins win the season series by actually defeating their divisional foe. The Jets beat Miami on the ground and, surprisingly, through the air, with Browning Nagle out-throwing Dan Marino 218 yards to 133, though it was obvious that Miami was comfortable with sitting back and letting the Jets self-destruct as they have all season. The Dolphins are the second team to swim into the playoffs, while the Raiders are able to hold their breath for another long week with New York losing.

Final Score: Dolphins 20, Jets 17

San Francisco (9-5) * Tampa Bay (6-8)
Playoff Implications: 49ers eliminated from NFC West with loss
In what will go down as perhaps the most befuddling chapter of the 49ers already puzzling season, the Buccaneers lay waste to a San Francisco team already wasted by a late-season slump that spelled their ultimate demise. Steve Young couldn't keep up with his old team, getting out-thrown by Vinny Testaverde 272 yards to 228, and though Tampa Bay was eliminated a week ago they still surprisingly play with enough heart to spoil the party for a team that nearly had their postseason spot etched in stone just a few weeks ago.

Final Score: Buccaneers 27, 49ers 24

Buffalo (9-5) * New Orleans (10-4)
Playoff Implications: Saints clinch playoff berth with win
Though the playoffs were more than an afterthought in Saints' fans minds halfway through the season, they now find the road a little tougher after falling victim to the hottest team in the NFL. The Buffalo Bills already claimed their second postseason trip with the Jets losing to Miami, yet handling a tough team in New Orleans was just as important to prove their mettle. Thurman Thomas is firmly entrenched in MVP talks with another stellar game of 111 yards on 14 attempts before injury, though with the berth the Bills hope to have their lame horse rested come playoff time.

Final Score: Bills 23, Saints 14

Minnesota (9-5) * Pittsburgh (8-6)
Playoff Implications: Steelers eliminated, Oilers clinch AFC Central with loss
The Vikings keep themselves alive with a needed win over the Steelers, while doing double duty by booting their opponents out of an improbable division race and allowing Houston to claim another backdoor title. Pittsburgh is dangerously close to letting their schizophrenic season be their undoing, with Barry Foster's 90 yards on 9 attempts not good enough to cover Neil O'Donnell's neck-straining performance of just 22 passing yards. The Steelers need help into the playoffs, but once there it may be a matter of who's willing to take "The Beard" out to pasture anyway.

Final Score: Vikings 24, Steelers 14

4:00 Games

Denver (5-9) * Seattle (4-10)

Playoff Implications: None

John Elway had a quietly consistent game in what was set to be a snoozer in the AFC West, throwing 235 yards with 91% of his passes reaching his receivers. Stan Gelbaugh was also efficient enough, keeping the ball out of the hands of his opponents. Though the book of both teams' seasons were written and closed early on, it's still possible for them to put on a performance like this that gives us hope for seasons to come. It's also possible that playing in an empty, silent arena helps the level of play as well. 

Final Score: Broncos 28, Seahawks 24

N.Y. Giants (5-9) * Kansas City (3-11)

Playoff Implications: None

While there's one story going on with teams in the playoff hunt, there's another one going on somewhere near the bottom of the barrel between teams hustling to not be the worst when the dust is settled. Kansas City gets just their fourth win in 16 tries by playing against one of those rare quarterbacks that is actually worse than Dave Krieg in a Kansas City uniform. The game was won by Kansas City through the air, with Krieg finding the unlikely Barry Word for 101 yards, a number Hostetler only has wet dreams about.

Final Score: Chiefs 28, Giants 21

Detroit (4-10) * Chicago (9-5)

Playoff Implications: Bears eliminate Rams with win

Chicago keeps the wild card annoyingly and excitingly convoluted and crowded with a slim win over their divisional brothers in Detroit. Brad Muster and Barry Sanders ran an identical 14 times, though Muster won the ground game by 3 yards. The air battle was lackluster and somewhat depressing for a late-season battle with playoff meddling on the line for the Lions, reminding us how relieved we are to not see Detroit in a postseason chair and how nervous we are to see Jim Harbaugh harpooning the backs of receivers in a wild card contest.

Final Score: Bears 17, Lions 14

Indianapolis (4-10) * Phoenix (2-12)

Playoff Implications: Cardinals eliminate Colts from the Jimmy V Celebrity Golf 

                         Classic with win

Chris Chandler plays for his career with the number one draft pick on the line, throwing 320 yards with 78% of his passes completed and the Cardinals have a third win under their belts. Ricky Proehl remained invisible all day, racking up 226 yards on 8 catches to keep Phoenix distanced from the Colts, who still haven't recovered from the 10-consecutive loss streak that will define their illustriously unsettling season. Somewhere, the 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers are uncorking another bottle of champagne.

Final Score: Cardinals 30, Colts 17

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Monday Night Football

Philadelphia (10-4) * Washington (8-6)

Playoff Implications: Eagles clinch playoff berth with win

                        Redskins eliminated with loss

While most of you were nestling snugly in your beds, candy canes in your grubby clutches and all, there was a football game going on between Philadelphia and Washington. The last Monday Night contest was a fitting one, with more than just lost love on the line between the two divisional foes. A season removed from their Tecmo Bowl run, the Redskins found themselves in a do-or-die situation with Chicago and Dallas winning the day previous, while the Eagles had a chance at redemption by eliminating their pesky siblings a season after Washington came from behind to send Philadelphia packing in Week 17.

The first quarter was all about momentum, or, more appropriately, the lack thereof. Just as Philadelphia flirted with scoring, Herschel Walker dropped the first of what would be many fumbles throughout the day, allowing the Redskins the chance to turn the game around quickly. Unfortunately for them, they ran into one of the better defenses in the NFC and were forced to punt the ball back to the dangerous Randall Cunningham-led offense. Of course, as dangerous as Cunningham is to other teams, he is to his own when he threw a pick on his first pass. Mark Rypien plays hot potato with the ball, giving it back on his first play and allowing the Eagles a chance at redeeming themselves in Washington territory.

End of 1st Quarter - Eagles 0, Redskins 0

The second quarter quickly began by imitating the first, with Walker bobbling over his second fumble in the red zone. Washington once again went nowhere on their next drive, punting it back to Philadelphia. After another slow drive got its start, the rumblings in the stands began of fans fearing another Miami/New York debacle. Suddenly, Cunningham let one rip down the sideline to Freddy Barnett, picking up a svelte 47 yards. The Eagles kept the yardage positive down the rest of the field, capping it off with an exciting cross-body throw from Cunningham to Barnett that finally put a crooked number on the scoreboard just before the half.

Halftime - Eagles 7, Redskins 0

Washington took the ball to start the second half, and were immediately rewarded with an Earnest Byner injury. Fortunately, Rypien found his second biggest weapon in Ricky Ervins with a 50-yard touchdown connection that had Ervins outracing nearly all of Philadelphia's defenders. The Eagles responded with a quick drive deep into Redskins' territory, but not scoring quickly enough came back to bite them in the form of a third lost Walker fumble. Ricky Sanders told the story of Washington's next drive, taking the reverse for three straight plays that equalled 12 yards, then -5 and another -5. Ervins couldn't bail his quarterback out a second time, and Kelly Goodburn readied another punt going into the fourth quarter.

End of 3rd Quarter - Eagles 7, Redskins 7

Cunningham finally broke open for a big run, streaking for 57 yards to the Washington 33 and setting up a second Cunningham-to-Barnett connection to regain the lead. The Redskins continued the scoring flurry however, with Sanders getting his reverse on for 32 yards on 2 carries after a stellar Brian Mitchell return. Sanders capped off the drive in style with another reverse to tie the game. With enough time remaining to suck the air out of a second Tecmo Bowl trip for Washington, the Eagles drove fast and hard behind the daggers of Keith Byars, finally setting up a Calvin Williams catch-and-run up the middle to score.

Final Score: Eagles 21, Redskins 14

Knowing what was necessary to keep their dreams of a repeat alive, the Redskins found their foes in Philadelphia to be a bit more tough and hungry than they, falling short of not just another division crown but a playoff berth altogether in the midst of a highly competitive NFC field. Though the holidays were cut short for our friends from the nation's capitol, the rest of us are caught up now and ready to look ahead to the final week of blood-letting in this long and difficult 1992 season. The Eagles have the best chance to lay claim to the NFC East, and after this performance that saw them do everything outside of relenting it's almost a given. With an offense that's clicking and a defense that cracks mirrors, Philadelphia appears to not fear the short week ahead of them riding into the last week of regular season play.

Monday Night Football: Doubleheader!

Here at The Tecmo Bowl, we honor Monday Night Football for its cultural significance and chance for each team to get their own shot on the national stage. Of course, with this blog being on the internet, each game we painstakingly write about is discussed in minute detail for the entire world, so Monday Night Football is really pointless. But we can't deny its inclusion in the heritage of our favorite game, and therefore have gone to great lengths to bring you not one, but two exciting simulations to round out your weekend of football blitzkrieg.

Game One
Pittsburgh (0-0) vs. Houston (0-0)

The Steelers meet their old nemeses from Houston in the first game of our doubleheader. While there's no bad blood to speak of yet this season, we must all believe that Pittsburgh is ready to right the wrongs of the past few years and plant their flag in the division they once made famous. Houston has had enough time to get over their Tecmo Bowl hangover, but face a tough test in their first game of their Tour de Tecmo Bowl Repeat. How will the Oilers handle their division rival, now led by unnecessarily mean-looking Neil O'Donnell? Let's join the action already in progress (don't worry, all we missed was Mick Jagger gyrating on a Ronald McDonald statue).

Quarter One
Houston takes the field with one notable player MIA: Drew Hill. It's been well documented that the MVP of last season's Tecmo Bowl high-tailed it for greener pastures in Atlanta, so Warren Moon will have to make the best of what he's given. And what he's given is 10th round pick Curtis Duncan, who brings down Moon's first pass in his post-champion career 65 yards from where it was thrown for an Oilers touchdown.

Houston leads 7-0

Neil O'Donnell hunches behind center unfazed by his counterpart's excellence of execution. He does his best Moon impression with a three-step drop, quick look to the right, and then a bomb down the sideline. He jumps in celebration when it's caught, until he's told by Carlton Haselrig that only Moon should be throwing to the guys in sky blue. The Oilers crash down to earth on their next drive, and after a three-and-out forced by a more recognizable Pittsburgh defense, the Steelers get the ball back. They play it marginally safer on their next drive, with handoffs to Merril Hoge dominating the clock, but end up punting when they stray from the usually successful and always exciting Hoge formula.

Quarter Two
Moon uses the next drive to show off his surgically enhanced legs, of which he bought with the money from his pawned Tecmo Bowl ring, but no amount of cash can pay for the amount of pride Darren Perry's mother felt when he picked Moon off along the sidelines. On the Steelers' next drive, Barry Foster runs 76 yards to the Houston 8-yard line, already surpassing Merril Hoge's best season total. One play later, and Neil O'Donnell's making believers of those who distrust coal factory workers.

Score tied 7-7

The rest of the first half teeters between Moon placing his faith in Lorenzo White's ability to catch things that aren't his own shoelaces and O'Donnell trying to make up for the Brister-less factor in a game involving the Pittsburgh Steelers. Moon hocks up another interception, this time in the end zone, while O'Donnell is trying his best to give it away with two passes to the opposing team's safeties. After Dwight Stone derails O'Donnell's efforts for one play to get the Steelers into scoring position, Neil seals the deal with a toss to Jerry Gray of the Houston Football Oilers and this game's going into the half all knotted up.

Halftime - Steelers 7, Oilers 7

Quarter Three
Pittsburgh comes out of the gates roaring with a Merril Hoge one-yard run, an O'Donnell pass to the two old men with binoculars in the second deck, and a laser pass that sinks itself into the back of Jeff Graham's head. The Oilers answer with an offense that includes the popular fumble recovery by left guard Kevin Donnalley, who quizzically runs for 30 yards to the Pittsburgh 24-yard line. The Steelers' defensive line comes up big with a 3-play stop that forces Al Del Greco to nab his first three points as a passable Tony Zendejas replacement.

Houston leads 10-7

In seasons past, the Bubby Brister-led Steelers would have answered this defeating change of momentum by giving Merril Hoge the ball and telling him to at least not murder anyone with it. This is the year of the 1992 Pittsburgh Steelers, ladies and gentlemen, which means passing a ball to Merril Hoge in the end zone after a 42-yard run by Foster.

Pittsburgh leads 14-10

Quarter Four
Now down by 4 points in the final quarter of play, Moon gets into his feared smack-a-bitch mode. He laces a ball to Duncan and runs the bootleg to get near the Pittsburgh 34-yard line. But if he didn't think Pittsburgh came to make a statement in this sibling rivalry, he was all shades of wrong after two blitzes push him back and an incomplete pass fails to advance them anywhere near Del Greco's range. The missed 50-yard kick has Zendejas sipping on his raspberry iced tea with a smirk and the Pittsburgh Steelers in prime position to put this game away. Jeff Graham is silently becoming O'Donnell's favorite target with a catch and run to the Houston 25-yard line, but when the Oilers shut down the lethal Hoge-Foster tandem, Morten Anderson is called upon to kick the first meaningful field goal of his career.

Pittsburgh leads 17-10

The final 47 seconds of the game end in a haze of sacks by men like Hardy Nickerson and blitzes that force Lorenzo White and Warren Moon to long for their silk-sheeted rotating love nests. The pretty boys from Houston make it exciting in the last 19 seconds when, on a 4th-down play and needing 24 yards, Moon launches a pass to Haywood Jeffires that is caught at the 6-yard line. With no time remaining, Jeffires tries his best to find the end zone, but there's no outrunning Darren Perry when he knows his momma is watching.

Final Score: Steelers 17, Oilers 10


And so Pittsburgh catches the eyes of the nation with their dramatic win over defending champion Houston Oilers. In the process, they take charge over the AFC Central and put notice on the rest of the teams expecting to end Houston's never-ending dominance over the Bible Belt. While there were hardly any glimpses of a championship team in Pittsburgh, they did show that they may be ready to play with the big boys, and once they pass a few more similar tests we may all be rubbing soot on our faces in a solemn show of solidarity.

***************************************************************************************

Game Two
San Francisco (0-0) vs. New York Giants (0-0)

Something tells us we've been here before. And like most things seen or tasted multiple times, staleness tends to set in. However, this time the scenarios are a little different. We featured this match-up twice last year, the first was an early-season battle and the second a playoff rout, both won by the 49ers. We're inclined to believe this year won't be any different, but with two such high caliber teams already battling for bragging rights, it's hard to ignore the implications of what a win for either team might mean. For San Francisco, it's another chance to relish in their ridiculous talent, while for New York it's a way to silence their critics of both their football ability and Jeff Hostetler's fashion sense. Let's dig in.

Quarter One
One way to start the season would be to storm down the field and score in quick, impressive fashion. Another way would be to have one of your best players go down to an injury while returning the ball. Dave Meggett did his best in valiantly crossing over into San Francisco territory, but he paid dearly with either a concussion or another injury that makes one's skin color drastically change. And in this case, his replacement, first-round pick Jarrod Bunch, literally adds insult to injury with two impressive 20-yard runs that result in a Hostetler-Mark Ingram connection and the Giants strike hard and fast.

New York leads 7-0

The 49ers' offense enters the field with big questions to answer, now led by BYU darling Steve Young at quarterback and a running game headquartered by rookie Ricky Watters and child stealer Tom Rathman. Their first drive is heavy on the latter, with Watters and Rathman teaming up for the first seven plays. When Young finally does take to the air, it's incomplete, and all that San Francisco's accomplished in the first quarter is a way to keep Tom Rathman from re-entering civilization.

Quarter Two
Fellow first-rounder Rodney Hampton is entrusted to emulate his rushing partner, but when he's called upon to assist Jeff Hostetler in the always-intelligent flea flicker, he marks the early stages of the Rodney Hampton experiment a failure when he tosses it to nobody but a sea of red and gold. The 49ers immediately pounce on the mistake when they appease the Rathman once more and allow him to carry it in from 6 yards out.

Score tied 7-7

Jarrod Bunch continues to impress with world-beating runs, one of which includes a tackle-breaking and wet-panty-making 35 yard burst. On the very next play, the Mustachioed Maestro answers the eight-year old question of 'Who's the Boss?' with a 47-yard bomb to Ed Mcaffrey for the Giants' second touchdown.

New York leads 14-7

The 49ers' next drive includes more disappointment in the face of Steve Young, who's a lackluster 2-for-8, and with the Giants now focusing on Rathman, the 49ers have effectively been morphed into a non-dimensional offense. Unfortunately for New York, the Jarrod Bunch enigma continues to become more entangled when, after another 20+ yard scamper, he is caught behind the line and coughs up the ball. With time low on the clock, San Francisco sends out Choking Cofer who somehow banks in a 51-yarder despite his best efforts not to.

New York leads 14-10

Halftime - Giants 14, 49ers 10

Quarter Three
The second half of this classic clash begins with a kick return to midfield from Marc Logan. The 49ers begin their classic heart-stabbing comeback trail behind Ricky Watters' glorious 50-yard run for the first touchdown of what should be many in his Tecmo career.

San Francisco leads 17-14

Things do not continue to go swimmingly for the Giants of New York, with Bunch unable to find room to run and Jeff Hostetler throwing the first interception of what should be many in his Tecmo career. Steve Young is finding his rhythm on the next drive when, facing a 3rd and 13 situation, he steps out of some pressure to find Brent Jones up the middle. Jones gains 37 yards after the catch, but the next three plays are destroyed by New York and Cofer is back on to vulture some more points.

San Francisco leads 20-14

The Giants continue to implode as the third quarter draws to a close, allowing a Pierce Holt sack and giving Bunch no escape from the rush of red that engulfs him. Though, while the third quarter ends with a whimper...

Quarter Four
The fourth begins with the Giants attempting a 4th down conversion with 18 yards needed and on their own 32-yard line. The flea flicker attempt to Mcaffrey is wildly incomplete. We know it's the 49ers, fellas, but come on. At least go with the more successful, yet criminally underrated, blocked field goal/scoop up and run by genetic freak Matt Bahr play. The 49ers continue their boring-to-tears campaign with another forgettable drive leading to a terribly bland third field goal from Mike Cofer, and suddenly we're finding ourselves with a queer feeling of nostalgia for the Montana days of yore.

San Francisco leads 23-14

I only realized this game ended when I was finished watching my computer defragment itself. What I apparently missed: another miracle flea flicker failure from Hostetler, a Ricky Watters fumble, and the endless unanswered screaming echoes of thousands of crowd members stuck in Giants-49ers eternally-repeating purgatory.

Final Score: 49ers 23, Giants 14

What did we learn today, class? The 49ers still have the Giants' number, though this time around that number isn't as desirable. While we weren't expecting to be riding the edge of our seats over here at the Tecmo Bowl, we certainly thought the third-recorded Giants/Niners matchup would be one worthy of bookending our first weekend of Tecmo, '92. Unfortunately we should have stuck with burying this snoozer beneath the rug and letting the Steelers have their lone spot in the winner's circle, but we still have the benefit of a long season with much left to occur. We may see either of these teams again in one of our featured games, or we may not. Yet one thing remains certain: I will never be satisfied wasting what should be quality time with my insect collection writing about either of these squads.

The Tecmo Bowl: Houston vs Washington

Well, we've come to it, our 63rd post. Otherwise known as the biggest game of this blog's life, The Tecmo Bowl. It's unseasonably warm in Minneapolis, so much so that Mark Rypien was seen out at the Brass Rail the night before the game in nothing but his daughter's Lingerie Football League uniform. Strangely enough, he's been listed as unavailable to play tonight, which means this is officially Stan Humphries' game to do with as he pleases. After not playing all season, he leads his team into a rare Tecmo Championship game against a very powerful, very intimidating, yet very fallible Houston Oilers team. The Redskins were ranked number one against the pass, which is Warren Moon's forte, a defense they used to their full advantage against Joe Montana and the San Francisco 49ers to get them to this spot. Houston, meanwhile, is looking to wrap up a very successful season, something they haven't done since Dwight Eisenhower was still in office and Dick Clark could utter an intelligible sentence.

For the reading-impaired, you can check out the Tecmo Bowl: Highlights episode HERE. Unfortunately, Steve Sabol was unavailable for commentary, and the introduction filmed by Boomer Esiason had to be cut for time and internet etiquette reasons.

The Tecmo Bowl

Quarter One
The Redskins win the toss, but the crowd wouldn't know until the kick-off due to the questionable P.A. system inside the Metrodome. By the time the cloud of confusion is settled, Stan Humphries' is nervously overthrowing Earnest Byner by about 10 yards. He gathers himself on the next play, and throws a perfect, Humphries-trademarked laser to Gary Clark at the Houston 40-yard line. Clark, known more for his nimble running than his sure-handedness, makes the most of his new opportunity by trucking it all the way down to the 11-yard line. One play later, and Humphries is bathing in the lights and shouts of 100,000 new believers after his 11-yard run for a touchdown.

Washington leads 7-0

Gerald McNeil fails to get his team jump-started when his shoelace is grabbed at his own 7-yard line. Warren Moon dangerously comes out in a shotgun formation, standing in the sky blue grass of his own end zone, but it's snapped directly to Lorenzo White instead, who bumbles for 4 yards. Meanwhile, there's about a half million angry bettors in Vegas that picked a pass play to open the first Oilers' drive that will hope to make it back on their bet that a Budweiser commercial opens the first break. On the next play, Moon drops back into a more familiar position, and finds a wide open Drew Hill at the Washington 45-yard line. Tracy Rocker rocks Moon's world on the next snap, but Moon suavely finds Curtis Duncan in coverage at the Redskins' 19-yard line. One more toss to Drew Hill is all that separates Houston's players from a certain lap dance from some Minneapolis townies at halftime.

Score tied 7-7

Stan's face, meet Stan's ass crack

Brian Mitchell puts on a returning clinic when he punishes Tony Zendejas' poor kick with a return into Oilers' territory. Humphries, still high on his last touchdown and a some good ol'-fashioned Metrodome helium, fumbles the ball over to Sean Jones, who's finally brought down at the Washington 20-yard line.

The Oilers start a second consecutive drive with Lorenzo for 7 yards. Warren Moon sets for another sure touchdown pass to one of his thirteen offensive weapons, but the famous Redskins' secondary rises from the ashes, and Martin Mayhew immortalizes himself in Tecmo lore with a huge pick in the end zone.

Quarter Two
Stan's still playing fidgety football, with another overthrow of a wide open Byner on first down. Earnest takes the ball on second down for 4 yards, but is scared stupid by the speed of Stan on third and 6 as he busts it out for 19 yards to the Washington 43-yard line. The Gary Clark reverse makes its first appearance, breaking its own record for latest appearance. Clark gets the 10 yards needed for a first down to keep the drive alive, but can't pull in a long ball on the next play. Humphries drops back once more, throwing it to Art Monk for the first time in the game, when the 17th-ranked defense bears its teeth and Richard Johnson matches Washington pick-for-pick at his own 32-yard line.

The Houston strategy of giving it to White on the first play continues, with a meager 3-yard run. It's enough to lull the Redskins' defense into a false sense of security, as it was only a matter of time before Moon found Hill again for their second touchdown hook-up and fifth illicitly shared object of the day.

Houston leads 14-7

The difference not being a Cleveland Brown makes

Mitchell is downed at his own 37-yard line with two minutes remaining. Byner is entrusted with two consecutive runs that net 17 yards and gets the Redskins into opponents' territory. He tricks Houston in a play action, leaving the unassuming tight end and darling of San Diego State University, Don Warren, open for his first reception of the day. He wheelbarrows it for 20 yards, and adds a few more with a second consecutive reception to the Houston 5-yard line with 40 seconds left. Byner closes out the drive the way he began with a burst up the middle that knots this one up just 20 seconds before the half.

Score tied 14-14

Unfortunately, 20 seconds may still be too much time for Moon and Co., and that's made all too clear with a wide open Drew Hill streaking down the sideline for a potential third touchdown in the half. Sadly, the ball is uncharacteristically overthrown and rolls harmlessly toward the Minnesota Vikings trophy case, jarring the heavy dust and cobwebs loose.

Halftime - Oilers 14, Redskins 14

Quarter Three
Lohmiller kicks it off his heel which leads to a decent Gerald McNeil return to the Washington 43-yard line. From the gun, Moon clinically slices open the Washington secondary with a pass to Ernest Givins for 27 yards, but requires some quick surgery of his own on the sideline after a determined Andre Collins disembowels him. Luckily, his line gives him all day on the next play, and he finds Givins again for a 15-yard gain. His receivers elude him on the next three plays, however, and Zendejas is out for what has become a very important 3 points. It appears his nerves and the fact that someone opened a door to the dome pulled his kick right, however, when the ball bounces backward off the upright.

May there one day be a Nobel scientist that accurately predicts the effects
of decompression on field goal kicks to keep this from ever occurring again

The Redskins' next drive begins with a very telling omen for Houston's defense, when Gary Clark fools them with another reverse, this time for 30 yards. Byner pulls in a pass up the middle that makes Humphries appear to be playing at Hostetler-esque levels when it comes to Championship games, and moves it to the Oilers' 14-yard line. Ricky Sanders brings the offense 6 yards closer with a short slant pass, giving Byner just enough room for his second touchdown of the game.

Washington leads 21-14

The Oilers are looking to answer the third lead change in three quarters, but have to contend with a powerful Lohmiller kick that pins them at their own 7-yard line. Washington drops back about 8 men to cover, but nobody sees the lithe Curtis Duncan, who yanks in a 35-yard completion. Lorenzo gets his one rush-per-drive for 1 yard, and Moon goes back to his chosen receiver for this round, Duncan, for another 10 yard pass to convert the first down. The quarter tumbles to a close, however, with a pass block at the line of scrimmage and an ill-fated White run for 2 yards.

Some men are merely players, while other men
are named Drew Hill

Quarter Four
On 3rd-and-8, Moon's pass is waved out of bounds by a diving Givins, and now they face a fourth down at midfield. Zendejas is told to sit down and re-lace the ball-boy's shoes on the bench while Moon calls a pivotal 4th-and-8 play. And who else would he go to on the biggest play of the game, but the man for which, like a Zen proverb, there is no answer: Drew Hill. He leaps in the corner of the end zone for the potential tying score, putting it back on Stan Humphries to try and become the most popular man in Washington since its namesake graced its plantations.

Score tied 21-21

Taken just 3 minutes before the inevitable score

Mitchell puts the starting line at the Washington 21-yard line, from which Byner slings a positive run for 10 yards. Not satisfied, the Washington coaching staff goes back to the tried-and-true Clark reverse, who fulfills the prophecy laid out by the gods of anti-credibility in football with a tackle-dodging 12-yard run to the Redskins' 45-yard line. Byner takes two straight runs up the middle for a total of 22 yards, understandably leading to some confusion that causes Washington to call an ill-advised time out with over two minutes on the clock. They take this important Domino's pizza break to call two straight Clark reverses, one that goes for 15 yards, and the other that completes the final 19 yards to the end zone that not only causes the Metrodome roof to reach hymen-like bursting levels, but also causes every coach who ever lived to roll around in their current and/or future graves.

Washington leads 28-21

Two minutes remain for Warren Moon, which, unfortunately for the Redskins, is time enough for him to defraud his taxes, let alone drive his team to a tying score. It doesn't look promising to start, however, with an incomplete pass followed by a short run from Lorenzo White. Facing pressure on third down, he threads it to Duncan for a gain of 32 yards to the Redskins' 22-yard line. With under a minute remaining, Moon's first pass to Haywood Jeffries sails over his head, nearly knocking over the memorial display set up for Kirby Puckett's right eye.

With 26 seconds left, the Oilers go for a possible fake-out with a Lorenzo White run up the middle that nets just 6 yards.

On 3rd-and-4 with 13 seconds remaining, the Redskins hurl their entire defense at Moon, causing an errant pass to Duncan that winds up knocking over that weird jug of milk balloon by the visiting team's tunnel.

And so, it's come to this: 4th down, with just 4 seconds remaining and 16 yards to keep the season alive. Moon drops back, his receivers spread like a venereal disease, but his go-to guys are all covered...no Duncan, no Givins, and no Hill. So what does he do? He gives a man named Haywood Jeffries a chance to immortalize himself in a game that couldn't even spell his last name right.

Give me a J! E! F! F!...R?, no, I...wait...R?...err

And although no seconds remain, one man still does: Mr. Jeff(r)i(r)es. Houston lives on to fight after Zendejas nails down his most important extra point of the year, and just to appease all of you and torture myself, this season will continue to sudden death overtime.

Score tied 28-28
 
OVERTIME
With the winner of this coin toss inevitably given the best chance to win at this point, Houston uses their 85 combined years of gambling experience to correctly guess the call and take the kick.

But Washington didn't come all the way to Minnesota without packing their balls, and the overtime period starts with what else? SURPRISE ONSIDE!

Damn Chippy

The experiment fails wildly, but the Redskins' chalk up a few dignity points irregardless. Still, one must ask why they wouldn't trust their league-leading pass defense against Warren Moon in overtime with a championship on the line...

...Luckily, Professor Moon is there to answer that question with the longest, quietest 48-yard lob in Washington Redskins' history. And who else but Drew Hill is there on the other end to certify his lifetime no-fly status inevitably being drawn up in the nation's capital as we speak.

Final Score: Oilers 34, Redskins 28 (OT)

The Oilers only led twice in this game, but it certainly felt like they had the contest by the throat with the way Moon tore up the carbonated Metrodome air. Drew Hill, who caught 13 scores all year from Moon, pulled in four of the five touchdowns to defy all of his detractors, more aptly known as his coaches. Hill was a man possessed, cementing a legacy that includes a 12th-round draft pick, and making the best pass defense in the NFL look like a team of potato sack racers in the Special Olympics. Stan Humphries, hero of the NFC Divisional playoffs, still put on a show and may wind up forcing Mark Rypien to play for his job next year. Although he didn't throw for a score, his legs led to a few important conversions and their first lead of the game, and should keep him from hanging his head until his future concussion-prone style of play has him watching his drool collect in puddles at his feet. Although Washington enamored us with their heart, Houston played the best football this year, ultimately proving it in the final game of this magical season.

The adventure doesn't end here...
Stay tuned...

Looking Ahead: The Tecmo Bowl

We've come a long, long way together, through the hard times and the good. But there's no praising yet, as we've still got one game left. After seventeen weeks of regular season play and three playoff games, we're just as ready as all of you to walk away and pretend none of this ever happened. That would be unfair to all the Ernests of the world, however, and so we look ahead to the game that makes this all worth it in the end: The Tecmo Bowl.

It's been a long road for both teams in this year's Tecmo Bowl, even if one was been paved with slick, new tar and the other with the jagged bones of its quarterback. Houston rides into the great white north on a winged stallion that is Warren Moon, followed by a throng of titans in Haywood "Jeffries" and Ernest Givins. Losing only three games all year and never really facing a challenge within their own division, the Oilers ended the season strong to take the number one seed in the AFC and the best record in the NFL. They breezed past the surprising Seahawks in the Divisional round, and took advantage of their home field and an advantageous Tony Zendejas kick to beat a favored Bills team in the Conference Championship. And now they appear in the Tecmo Bowl very heavily favored, ready to wear the heavily bejeweled tiara for the first time in their franchise's history.

Washington hobbles into the Hubert Humphrey Metrodome with some aches and pains as this year's Cinderella team after a very dramatic postseason. After their star quarterback, Mark Rypien, went out on the first drive against the mighty San Francisco 49ers, the unlikely Stan Humphries hitched his apple cart to Art Monk and Earnest Byner's stars and the team upset the 49ers on a dramatic double jump catch in the end zone on the last play of the game. The next week they came to Minnesota to boot the number-one seeded Vikings out of a home-game championship after tackling Herschel Walker just yards away from the end zone. After a season that appeared to have the Redskins looking to fight and scrap for a wild card spot, they beat the division-leading Giants in a late season game and leapfrogged both New York and San Francisco, who lost in Week 17, for the number 2 seed.

We could continue to go on and on about the merits of both teams' accolades, but it may be best to break out the yard stick instead.

                     Washington                           Houston

                           10-6      Season Record        13-3

                            3-1      Featured Games       4-0

                            5-4      Same Opponents       9-0

                        375/279          PF/PA            436/335

                     12th (2810)      Pass Ranking        1st (3923)

                     13th (1633)      Rush Ranking        27th (919)

                           15th      Overall Offense      8th

                      1st (2186)      Pass Defense        17th (2941)

                     19th (1721)      Rush Defense        12th (1534)

                            2nd      Overall Defense      14th

                        Canadian      QB Ethnicity        Black

       Drunken gamblers that were        Mascots          Blue collar workers that

       wiped off the American map       Known For         put America on the map

   Named for President of the USA         Cities          Named for President of Texas

Explorers of modern day democracy         Known           Explorers of the moon

                Outlaws with guns          For            Outlaws with guns

Oh yeah, and I suppose we should mention that Houston beat Washington, 23-21, in Week Ten's installment of Monday Night Football...

So there you have it, a rather annoyingly detailed breakdown of the Championship game. Will we see the league's leading passer come out heaving? Or will Stan Humphries march his glass slippers up and down the Astroturf? Perhaps Mark Rypien will have healed up enough to cap off a rather productive season for his Redskins, and win another championship in the very stadium he won a Super Bowl in. While we're sure anything can happen in a game between these two teams, one thing remains a constant: the controlled atmosphere of the Metrodome in Minneapolis. On to the Tecmo Bowl!

Conference Championship Weekend

We're only one game away from the Tecmo Bowl, but before we get ahead of ourselves we'll need to dive into the second-most overblown weekend of the season, Conference Championship weekend. Only the Buffalo Bills remain of the final four we predicted in our Preseason Analysis, and we're still quite confident they have what it takes to overpower the Oilers and get to the championship. The only thing Houston has to their advantage is a rare home game in the playoffs being the number 1 seed, which should make this a game that goes down to the last possession. Meanwhile, in the NFC is another game of the top two conference seeds, but between two more unorthodox teams in the Washington Redskins and Minnesota Vikings. The Redskins played one of the more exciting COM-COM games in Tecmo history, knocking out the heavily favored 49ers on the last play of the game behind back-up QB Stan Humphries. They'll face another defensive challenge against the Vikings at the stadium scheduled to hold next weekend's Tecmo Bowl. Will they be sent packing after their fluke win? Or will Washington get to book an extra weekend in Minneapolis? Let's get to the business.

AFC Championship

2 Buffalo Bills (13-3-1) at 1 Houston Oilers (14-3)

Highlight below for an analysis:
After a quarter of no scoring, this game lit up in a hurry. Ultimately, it was a big gain that Buffalo gave up before the half that led to the 3-point win by the Oilers, despite there being plenty of other opportunities for QB Bills and Andre Reed to burn Houston as they've burned other teams all year long. Houston advances to their very first championship game with a relatively healthy team after a quietly dominant season. While they rightfully deserve a spot in the final game, they're the Newt to Buffalo's Mitt, obviously leaving no real winners for the rest of the viewing public.

***************************************************************************************

NFC Championship

2 Washington Redskins (11-6) at Minnesota Vikings (13-4)

Higlight below for an analysis:
The Vikings couldn't recreate the late-game magic of their opponents, as Herschel Walker's triumphant return fell a yard short of putting Minnesota in a home-field Tecmo Bowl. It was a see-saw battle for the most part, but Stan Humphries' star shone brighter than Wade Wilson's, and the Vikings' time-consuming reverse plays and a costly Walker turnover outdid them in the end. The Redskins are a true Cinderella team, first stealing their division in the last game of the season and then beating two conference juggernauts to get into the Tecmo Bowl; however we must remember that they represent a team that actually went to their season's Super Bowl, although now they'll have to pose a mid-week cage match between Humphries and Mark Rypien, should Rypien miraculously return from what we suspect was a Joe Theismann-level injury.

Week Fourteen: Dance for the Die-Hards

As Christmas lights go up, another log is thrown on the fire and grown men shamelessly look through the women's section at the thrift store for an ugly sweater, there's a silent tension growing across the landscape. Flag games at the park have given way to frozen toes in the stadium parking lot as only the die-hards continue to watch their teams fight to the finish. That's who we are now, my friends, whether you choose to accept it or not. Our Tecmo season started off fun and fresh, and now it's got a steely gray color to it, cold and tasteless, but yet we remain to play it out (if only to see Mosi Tatupu get that elusive carry and appease the throngs of Mosi's Mooses).

1:00 Games

New York Jets (4-8) at Buffalo (8-3-1)

The Jets' surprising surge fell short of a shot at the playoffs last week, and now to add insult to injury they fly into Buffalo to watch the QB Bills show. Bills went off for 328 yards, 131 of those caught by Kenny Lofton, and 0 picks. The Jets did take control on the ground, however, holding Thurman Thomas to 36 yards; although it should be mentioned that Thomas spent 4/5ths of the game looking for his helmet.

Final Score: Bills 28, Jets 20

San Diego (8-4) at L.A. Raiders (6-6)

The Chargers can't take control of their destiny as the Raiders pull back in the race with a huge divisional victory. Bo Jackson had a very average day of 123 yards rushing on 10 carries, enough to make up for his quarterback's lackluster 103 yards passing on the day. Marion Butts ran for 128 yards, but even that couldn't make up for B.J. Tolliver's 91 passing yards or his double entendre nickname.

Final Score: Raiders 31, Chargers 21

Hard-nosed December football...in Florida?

Miami (9-3) at Tampa Bay (5-7)

Playing for their postseason lives, the Buccaneers pull off a huge victory over Miami in this intrastate battle, and in the process knock the Dolphins out of first place in the AFC East. The game wasn't as close as the score indicates, with Tampa Bay holding a 27-3 lead in the 4th quarter. Miami loses their second consecutive game, and we think it's due less to Tampa Bay's exciting offense and more of a Tecmo-penned Buffalo-World Order-inspired conspiracy.

Final Score: Buccaneers 27, Dolphins 17

Elway makes Grogan's stats look almost Elway-esque

New England (1-11) at Denver (8-4)

While the Chargers were laying an egg in California, Denver throws away the perfect opportunity of taking control in the AFC West due to a loss to the 1-win Patriots. Where Steve Grogan's performance could be described as "inspired", with 241 passing yards and just 2 interceptions, John Elway's performance could only be described as "ass-tastic" with 5 picks of his own. Even when you're playing the regulars of the short-bus in the Patriots, that's a recipe for disaster.

Final Score: Patriots 30, Broncos 14

Cincinnati (6-6) at New York Giants (8-4)

Like their brethren in the NFC West, the Giants continue to knock their naysayers on their collective asses with another win, this time against a Bengals team with a lot to fight for. Phil Simms single-handedly won the Towhead Bowl with 225 yards and multiple touchdowns to Boomer's 130 yards and multiple frightening scowls. Cincinnati now looks into the abyss, where Warren Moon is laughing hysterically.

Final Score: Giants 35, Bengals 14

May have been earlier, but Byner fumbled
the exit paperwork at the front desk

Washington (7-5) at L.A. Rams (6-6)

Many eyes were on this pivotal NFC match-up, where the Rams fought it out to keep the respirator on their playoff hopes. Earnest Byner was back for the 'Skins, but he was ran off the field by the mighty Cleveland Gary and his 122 yards rushing on 8 attempts. Jim Everett threw for an uncharacteristically low 113 yards, perhaps saving his throwing arm for his Joe Montana dartboard later that evening.

Final Score: Rams 23, Redskins 14

Indianapolis (4-8) at Cleveland (5-7)

The Colts turn out the lights on Cleveland's dismal postseason dream, showing signs of a former division-leading team with Albert Bentley's 118 rushing yards. QB Browns wasn't going down without swinging when he purportedly tossed up 231 yards; however this stat still remains unverified by the sixteen fans in attendance, fifteen of which thought it was a Case Western Reserve University game.

Final Score: Colts 28, Browns 24

Smells like rivalry. And crabs. Lots of crabs.

Seattle (7-5) at Kansas City (5-7)

It appears Seattle found a loophole that allowed them to count team practice as a sanctioned NFL contest, with second-stringers wearing Kansas City jerseys. Backup Seattle QB Kelly Stouffer did his best Steve DeBerg impression, completing 28% of his passes and throwing only 81 yards with 2 picks; however with these stats it appears that Stouffer's impression of Stouffer was much more accurate.

Final Score: Seahawks 31, Chiefs 7

4:00 Games

Green Bay (6-5-1) at Atlanta (4-8)

The Falcons welcomed Green Bay into the black hole that is the Georgia Dome, and if light can't escape then it's only reasonable that the Packers would fall short of a victory despite a wild comeback. Don Majkowski continues to fade from an MVP-worthy start with 2 picks and just 131 yards. Meanwhile, Chris Miller throws another near-perfect game, keeping him in the race for Most Valuable A.I. Glitch.

Final Score: Falcons 28, Packers 24

Detroit (3-9) at Chicago (6-6)

Detroit couldn't continue their momentum from a huge upset last week, falling short in this contest against the Bears. Chicago leapfrogs Green Bay in the division behind another huge game from Neal Anderson and his 136 rushing yards. Rodney Peete was unlike himself with a 72% completion rate and 0 picks, but then again that stat is only more relevant than Mel Gray's one punt return for seven yards.

Final Score: Bears 30, Lions 21

Pittsburgh (4-8) at Dallas (6-6)

The Cinderella season in Dallas is nearing midnight as the Cowboys are victims of an on-day from Bubby Brister, who threw for 204 yards and an 84% connection rate. Perhaps also victims of vertigo, Troy Aikman only threw for 112 yards while Emmitt Smith ran for a season-low 50 yards, and with the rest of the NFC East playing cutthroat football it appears the 'Boys will be smelling pumpkin and rats pretty soon.

Final Score: Steelers 28, Cowboys 10

Houston (10-2) at Philadelphia (7-5)

The Oilers already got their belated division championship trophy with the Bengals' loss earlier in the day, but missed an opportunity to be first in line for a first-week bye when they gave up a late touchdown to Philadelphia. It shouldn't have even been that close behind Warren Moon's four interceptions and Lorenzo White's 13 rushing yards, but if there's one team that would drop a glass trophy, it's Philadelphia.

Final Score: Eagles 35, Oilers 28

Jack Pardee wasn't voted NFL's Most Debonaire 3 times for nothing

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It's getting hot and stinky in the crowded NFC West, but our Monday Night showdown between San Francisco and New Orleans could settle all of that. The 49ers haven't lost since their Week 6 bye, and aren't about to drop their first game in an important divisional match-up. Los Angeles' win puts that much more heat on both teams: the 49ers and their divisional lead, and the Saints with their hopes of taking a wild card spot from the Rams. While we don't hold out much hope for the bad boys in the bayou, the Saints do already possess a wild card in Steve Walsh, a quarterback in the top ten of every passing category. Unfortunately for New Orleans, their defense isn't even on the radar; not a good statistic when you're going up against Mega-Montana, Uber-Rice, and Tom SuperMegaUberUltra-Rathman.

Termination Sequence: Initiated