Monday Night Football: Doubleheader!

Here at The Tecmo Bowl, we honor Monday Night Football for its cultural significance and chance for each team to get their own shot on the national stage. Of course, with this blog being on the internet, each game we painstakingly write about is discussed in minute detail for the entire world, so Monday Night Football is really pointless. But we can't deny its inclusion in the heritage of our favorite game, and therefore have gone to great lengths to bring you not one, but two exciting simulations to round out your weekend of football blitzkrieg.

Game One
Pittsburgh (0-0) vs. Houston (0-0)

The Steelers meet their old nemeses from Houston in the first game of our doubleheader. While there's no bad blood to speak of yet this season, we must all believe that Pittsburgh is ready to right the wrongs of the past few years and plant their flag in the division they once made famous. Houston has had enough time to get over their Tecmo Bowl hangover, but face a tough test in their first game of their Tour de Tecmo Bowl Repeat. How will the Oilers handle their division rival, now led by unnecessarily mean-looking Neil O'Donnell? Let's join the action already in progress (don't worry, all we missed was Mick Jagger gyrating on a Ronald McDonald statue).

Quarter One
Houston takes the field with one notable player MIA: Drew Hill. It's been well documented that the MVP of last season's Tecmo Bowl high-tailed it for greener pastures in Atlanta, so Warren Moon will have to make the best of what he's given. And what he's given is 10th round pick Curtis Duncan, who brings down Moon's first pass in his post-champion career 65 yards from where it was thrown for an Oilers touchdown.

Houston leads 7-0

Neil O'Donnell hunches behind center unfazed by his counterpart's excellence of execution. He does his best Moon impression with a three-step drop, quick look to the right, and then a bomb down the sideline. He jumps in celebration when it's caught, until he's told by Carlton Haselrig that only Moon should be throwing to the guys in sky blue. The Oilers crash down to earth on their next drive, and after a three-and-out forced by a more recognizable Pittsburgh defense, the Steelers get the ball back. They play it marginally safer on their next drive, with handoffs to Merril Hoge dominating the clock, but end up punting when they stray from the usually successful and always exciting Hoge formula.

Quarter Two
Moon uses the next drive to show off his surgically enhanced legs, of which he bought with the money from his pawned Tecmo Bowl ring, but no amount of cash can pay for the amount of pride Darren Perry's mother felt when he picked Moon off along the sidelines. On the Steelers' next drive, Barry Foster runs 76 yards to the Houston 8-yard line, already surpassing Merril Hoge's best season total. One play later, and Neil O'Donnell's making believers of those who distrust coal factory workers.

Score tied 7-7

The rest of the first half teeters between Moon placing his faith in Lorenzo White's ability to catch things that aren't his own shoelaces and O'Donnell trying to make up for the Brister-less factor in a game involving the Pittsburgh Steelers. Moon hocks up another interception, this time in the end zone, while O'Donnell is trying his best to give it away with two passes to the opposing team's safeties. After Dwight Stone derails O'Donnell's efforts for one play to get the Steelers into scoring position, Neil seals the deal with a toss to Jerry Gray of the Houston Football Oilers and this game's going into the half all knotted up.

Halftime - Steelers 7, Oilers 7

Quarter Three
Pittsburgh comes out of the gates roaring with a Merril Hoge one-yard run, an O'Donnell pass to the two old men with binoculars in the second deck, and a laser pass that sinks itself into the back of Jeff Graham's head. The Oilers answer with an offense that includes the popular fumble recovery by left guard Kevin Donnalley, who quizzically runs for 30 yards to the Pittsburgh 24-yard line. The Steelers' defensive line comes up big with a 3-play stop that forces Al Del Greco to nab his first three points as a passable Tony Zendejas replacement.

Houston leads 10-7

In seasons past, the Bubby Brister-led Steelers would have answered this defeating change of momentum by giving Merril Hoge the ball and telling him to at least not murder anyone with it. This is the year of the 1992 Pittsburgh Steelers, ladies and gentlemen, which means passing a ball to Merril Hoge in the end zone after a 42-yard run by Foster.

Pittsburgh leads 14-10

Quarter Four
Now down by 4 points in the final quarter of play, Moon gets into his feared smack-a-bitch mode. He laces a ball to Duncan and runs the bootleg to get near the Pittsburgh 34-yard line. But if he didn't think Pittsburgh came to make a statement in this sibling rivalry, he was all shades of wrong after two blitzes push him back and an incomplete pass fails to advance them anywhere near Del Greco's range. The missed 50-yard kick has Zendejas sipping on his raspberry iced tea with a smirk and the Pittsburgh Steelers in prime position to put this game away. Jeff Graham is silently becoming O'Donnell's favorite target with a catch and run to the Houston 25-yard line, but when the Oilers shut down the lethal Hoge-Foster tandem, Morten Anderson is called upon to kick the first meaningful field goal of his career.

Pittsburgh leads 17-10

The final 47 seconds of the game end in a haze of sacks by men like Hardy Nickerson and blitzes that force Lorenzo White and Warren Moon to long for their silk-sheeted rotating love nests. The pretty boys from Houston make it exciting in the last 19 seconds when, on a 4th-down play and needing 24 yards, Moon launches a pass to Haywood Jeffires that is caught at the 6-yard line. With no time remaining, Jeffires tries his best to find the end zone, but there's no outrunning Darren Perry when he knows his momma is watching.

Final Score: Steelers 17, Oilers 10


And so Pittsburgh catches the eyes of the nation with their dramatic win over defending champion Houston Oilers. In the process, they take charge over the AFC Central and put notice on the rest of the teams expecting to end Houston's never-ending dominance over the Bible Belt. While there were hardly any glimpses of a championship team in Pittsburgh, they did show that they may be ready to play with the big boys, and once they pass a few more similar tests we may all be rubbing soot on our faces in a solemn show of solidarity.

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Game Two
San Francisco (0-0) vs. New York Giants (0-0)

Something tells us we've been here before. And like most things seen or tasted multiple times, staleness tends to set in. However, this time the scenarios are a little different. We featured this match-up twice last year, the first was an early-season battle and the second a playoff rout, both won by the 49ers. We're inclined to believe this year won't be any different, but with two such high caliber teams already battling for bragging rights, it's hard to ignore the implications of what a win for either team might mean. For San Francisco, it's another chance to relish in their ridiculous talent, while for New York it's a way to silence their critics of both their football ability and Jeff Hostetler's fashion sense. Let's dig in.

Quarter One
One way to start the season would be to storm down the field and score in quick, impressive fashion. Another way would be to have one of your best players go down to an injury while returning the ball. Dave Meggett did his best in valiantly crossing over into San Francisco territory, but he paid dearly with either a concussion or another injury that makes one's skin color drastically change. And in this case, his replacement, first-round pick Jarrod Bunch, literally adds insult to injury with two impressive 20-yard runs that result in a Hostetler-Mark Ingram connection and the Giants strike hard and fast.

New York leads 7-0

The 49ers' offense enters the field with big questions to answer, now led by BYU darling Steve Young at quarterback and a running game headquartered by rookie Ricky Watters and child stealer Tom Rathman. Their first drive is heavy on the latter, with Watters and Rathman teaming up for the first seven plays. When Young finally does take to the air, it's incomplete, and all that San Francisco's accomplished in the first quarter is a way to keep Tom Rathman from re-entering civilization.

Quarter Two
Fellow first-rounder Rodney Hampton is entrusted to emulate his rushing partner, but when he's called upon to assist Jeff Hostetler in the always-intelligent flea flicker, he marks the early stages of the Rodney Hampton experiment a failure when he tosses it to nobody but a sea of red and gold. The 49ers immediately pounce on the mistake when they appease the Rathman once more and allow him to carry it in from 6 yards out.

Score tied 7-7

Jarrod Bunch continues to impress with world-beating runs, one of which includes a tackle-breaking and wet-panty-making 35 yard burst. On the very next play, the Mustachioed Maestro answers the eight-year old question of 'Who's the Boss?' with a 47-yard bomb to Ed Mcaffrey for the Giants' second touchdown.

New York leads 14-7

The 49ers' next drive includes more disappointment in the face of Steve Young, who's a lackluster 2-for-8, and with the Giants now focusing on Rathman, the 49ers have effectively been morphed into a non-dimensional offense. Unfortunately for New York, the Jarrod Bunch enigma continues to become more entangled when, after another 20+ yard scamper, he is caught behind the line and coughs up the ball. With time low on the clock, San Francisco sends out Choking Cofer who somehow banks in a 51-yarder despite his best efforts not to.

New York leads 14-10

Halftime - Giants 14, 49ers 10

Quarter Three
The second half of this classic clash begins with a kick return to midfield from Marc Logan. The 49ers begin their classic heart-stabbing comeback trail behind Ricky Watters' glorious 50-yard run for the first touchdown of what should be many in his Tecmo career.

San Francisco leads 17-14

Things do not continue to go swimmingly for the Giants of New York, with Bunch unable to find room to run and Jeff Hostetler throwing the first interception of what should be many in his Tecmo career. Steve Young is finding his rhythm on the next drive when, facing a 3rd and 13 situation, he steps out of some pressure to find Brent Jones up the middle. Jones gains 37 yards after the catch, but the next three plays are destroyed by New York and Cofer is back on to vulture some more points.

San Francisco leads 20-14

The Giants continue to implode as the third quarter draws to a close, allowing a Pierce Holt sack and giving Bunch no escape from the rush of red that engulfs him. Though, while the third quarter ends with a whimper...

Quarter Four
The fourth begins with the Giants attempting a 4th down conversion with 18 yards needed and on their own 32-yard line. The flea flicker attempt to Mcaffrey is wildly incomplete. We know it's the 49ers, fellas, but come on. At least go with the more successful, yet criminally underrated, blocked field goal/scoop up and run by genetic freak Matt Bahr play. The 49ers continue their boring-to-tears campaign with another forgettable drive leading to a terribly bland third field goal from Mike Cofer, and suddenly we're finding ourselves with a queer feeling of nostalgia for the Montana days of yore.

San Francisco leads 23-14

I only realized this game ended when I was finished watching my computer defragment itself. What I apparently missed: another miracle flea flicker failure from Hostetler, a Ricky Watters fumble, and the endless unanswered screaming echoes of thousands of crowd members stuck in Giants-49ers eternally-repeating purgatory.

Final Score: 49ers 23, Giants 14

What did we learn today, class? The 49ers still have the Giants' number, though this time around that number isn't as desirable. While we weren't expecting to be riding the edge of our seats over here at the Tecmo Bowl, we certainly thought the third-recorded Giants/Niners matchup would be one worthy of bookending our first weekend of Tecmo, '92. Unfortunately we should have stuck with burying this snoozer beneath the rug and letting the Steelers have their lone spot in the winner's circle, but we still have the benefit of a long season with much left to occur. We may see either of these teams again in one of our featured games, or we may not. Yet one thing remains certain: I will never be satisfied wasting what should be quality time with my insect collection writing about either of these squads.

Wild Card Weekend: Sunday Edition

Today we get to see who else is invited to the Divisional playoffs party. Wild card weekend has become NFL's rush week, a fun little formality before the big show where one or two teams that don't really belong get to the postseason to get a brief taste of what it's like. Yesterday it was the Seahawks and the Packers, today it's the Bengals. Once we get Cincinnati out of the way, like we did with Seattle and Green Bay, we'll get on to the main event where the truly dominant teams can compete.

5 Cincinnati Bengals (9-7) at 4 Miami Dolphins (11-5)

It's lonely being Dan Marino

Quarter One
The game begins with Dan Marino rushing for 35 yards, Mark Clayton catching a few long passes, and the Dolphins driving right into the heart of Cincinnati's hopes and dreams. Things go awry for a moment when Marino fumbles it over to the Bengals at the 4 yard line, but it's all forgiven when Cliff Odom comes in and swallows Boomer Esiason whole to capture at least two of the runaway points.

Miami leads 2-0

Marc Logan is injured on the kick return, suddenly turning this year's edition of The Tecmo Bowl playoffs into a backyard Juggalo wrestling event. The Dolphins avenge their fallen domehead when Marino finds Fred Banks for a 55 yard touchdown. Multiple Bengals' defenders fall down during the run to the end zone, causing a few Cincinnati fans to phone up Jesse Ventura to see if Joe Robbie Stadium is hiding some gators in the marsh they call their home field.

Miami leads 9-0

The Bengals get a second chance on offense, and Boomer gets them jacked up with a flea flicker to Tim McGee that goes for 65 yards. Just when it seems the momentum is starting to shift, however, the full force of Cliff Odom's brow ridge brings it back into Miami's favor and the Bengals are stuffed on three straight plays.

Zander is never lonely with that strainer

Quarter Two
Cincinnati begins the new quarter on a positive note when Jim Breech is called upon to knock it in from 39 yards out. Despite missing three field goals and four PATs during the season, Breech is suddenly looking like the Bengals' last hope, which is saying a lot when you have Carl Zander's pornstache on your team.

Miami leads 9-3

The Dolphins are driving, and Dan Marino must be starting to see the points light up on the board. Unfortunately for Marino, this foresight blinds him from actually seeing David Fulcher, and his pass to Ferrell Edmunds is rightfully gobbled up.

The Bengals have the ball back, but unfortunately have the task to drive the length of the field against a top-3 defense with just two minutes left. Boomer decides to go all-out on a flea flicker to Eddie Brown to split the yardage in half, but a Dolphin defender gets his weasely hand in there to break it up. A few plays later and the Bengals are in Jim Breech territory, which is who they're calling on after the Dolphins' D-Line is causing Boomer's dry cleaners to see dollar signs.

Miami leads 9-6

Marino has a minute to work with, and most of that is consumed by Tony Paige and Sammy Smith. Apparently feeling comfortable with keeping a short lead over the timid Cincinnati Barn Cats, the Dolphins are content with winding down the clock and sending boy-next-door Pete Stoyanovich out for the 3-pointer before halftime.

Miami leads 12-6

Halftime - Dolphins 12, Bengals 6

Quarter Three
Cincinnati gets a chance for a quick statement out of the locker room, but the Dolphins' secondary keeps Boomer boom-less as they knock all of his passes out of the air. The Bengals can't cross mid-field to even get Breech to match half of his field goal totals for the year, and Coach Wyche fulfills his promise to Lee Johnson that he'd be punting in today's game.

Paige and Smith can't find any running ground this time around, so Marino goes to the air. On 3rd-and-4, the playoffs' worst defense stuffs Marino and redeems themselves for at least one drive in their foreseeable future.

Like shouting at a horror movie, they just can't hear you

Only down by 6, the Bengals finally go to their successful running game of Ickey Woods and James Brooks. They're working well for the team, until Brooks is called upon for the surprise flea flicker. And as a play that they've run at least 1,600 times this season, you'd think it'd go off without a hitch. But Brooks tosses it back to the shadow of Boomer Esiason instead of to Boomer directly, who's currently trying to see if light can exist beneath fourteen Miami defenders. Fortunately for the Bengals, they recover their own mistake, but the quarter ends with a second consecutive punt from Johnson and a fifteenth consecutive championship-less season on the horizon.

Quarter Four
While Marino will always be remembered for his offensive prowess, one can't deny his innate ability to yank rugs from beneath other teams' starry-eyed dreams. On the first drive of the quarter, he threads the needle, putting on a passing clinic before finding a wide open Banks in the end zone for a touchdown. The lead is now nearly out of reach for an impotent Bengals' offense to catch up, and as the dominoes fall into place for another cookie-cutter Tecmo Bowl postseason Cincinnati fans are asking where their Joseph McCarthy is now.

Miami leads 19-6

The Bengals fight valiantly back as if they haven't already lost their first game in five consecutive contests. But with Brooks and Woods running down the field, too many seconds have ticked off the clock and Boomer's interception at the Miami 34-yard line is more of a mercy killing than a heartbreaking final pass of an otherwise magical season for Mr. Esiason.

Final Score: Dolphins 19, Bengals 6

Miami runs out the clock on some safe plays, knowing they have their big brother Buffalo waiting in the wings. After losing the division in the final weeks, Miami looks to be on track to re-ignite an offensive fire that saw them win seven in a row earlier this year. The offense didn't convince anyone with their lackluster win here, but with all the chances they gave Cincinnati their defense is what sees them walk out with 13-point win. Cincinnati packs their bags for the long trip home, but shouldn't hang their heads too much as they certainly provided some excitement and flavor to a rather stale postseason that would have been otherwise staler had Chargers' back-up QB Mark Vlasic been involved.

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5 New York Giants (10-6) at 4 San Francisco 49ers (10-6)

Quarter One
Ottis Anderson fumbles at the San Francisco 20-yard line.

Joe Montana throws a missile to Jerry Rice for a 55-yard touchdown on the second play of the drive.

San Francisco leads 7-0

Holt finishes with the most 49ers rushing yards this season

Phil Simms isn't there to retrieve Anderson's flea flicker. Pierce Holt scoops up the fumble and runs from the 49ers' 20-yard line to the Giants' 20-yard line.

Montana slices it to a wide open Brent Jones on the first play for a 20-yard touchdown.

San Francisco leads 14-0

Quarter Two
In the red zone again, Simms can't see Mark Ingram doing jumping jacks in the end zone. After a sack and Dave Meggett fumble is retrieved 10 yards back, Matt Bahr misses wide right from 53 yards.

Montana drives his team to the Giants' 30-yard line in about 7 seconds. The New York 'D' holds up for one drive, but Mike Cofer still converts 3 points for the gold-rushers.

San Francisco leads 17-0

The Giants get to the red zone for a third time, but fumble for the third time. Dave Waymer gets his name in the score book with the recovery.


Halftime - 49ers 17, Giants 0


Quarter Three
The 49ers get the ball to start the half, but don't come up with any points when Cofer is wide left from 52 yards out. Vegas bookies are starting to sweat.

Mark Ingram realizes coating his gloves in his lucky peanut oil doesn't work out so well when he drops a wide open pass at the San Francisco 20-yard line. Giants punt.

If one Tecmo screen capture could haunt a receiver's dreams, it's this one

John Taylor pulls in a Montana-bomb for a 45-yard touchdown. Vegas bookies pop open a bottle of Dom Perignon.

San Francisco leads 24-0

Quarter Four
Ingram can't pull in another wide open pass at the San Francisco 15-yard line on fourth down. But damn, those gloves taste good.

Look at the cute little Giants players who are still trying!

Jerry Rice pulls in a 35-yard pass on the first play of the drive while writing a check for his kids' college fund.

San Francisco leads 31-0

Anderson fumbles on the Giants' drive for New York's fourth turnover. Waymer gets the recovery again because he's a selfish prick. Which is why the 49ers signed him to a multi-year deal.

Rice pulls in a 40-yard touchdown on third down while writing a check for Giants' Coach Ray Handley's kids' college fund.

San Francisco leads 38-0

Simms can't clear the cobwebs after getting sacked and throws an interception at the 49ers' 15-yard line, icing this game for San Francisco. Who are we kidding, this game was iced before the coin flip.

Final Score: 49ers 38, Giants 0

We would apologize for the trite synopsis, but we couldn't really pretend that the Giants didn't put on one of the poorest performances in Tecmo playoff history. And trust me, I've seen all 45,000 of them. For a team that dominated their own division and most of the others while winning 9 of their last 11, they couldn't have played worse had they found Phoenix Cardinals jerseys in their lockers. It was a pitiful performance for one of the more anticipated games this weekend, but we can't really see how the Giants stood a chance against a very peeved-off 49ers team that had the West division stolen from them in the last week. Forget that the 49ers have the number 4-seed in this year's playoffs; they've got Washington next week followed by the winner of Minnesota vs. Green Bay. If a road was easier to the Tecmo Bowl, it would be in an S-pattern with a team of Bo Jacksons carting the carriage.

 

Friday Night Football: Thanksgiving Hangover

Between feasting on tryptophan-laced fowl and watching helium-powered monsters take over New York City, you may have noticed some football games on television. And just like most of America, you may have been too overcome by the flooding of alcoholic beverages to really pay attention. Therefore, we at The Tecmo Bowl have decided to give thanks to your dedication to following our little corner of the blogosphere, and are offering an encore presentation to satiate any leftover feelings of guilt that you're trying to hide behind turkey sandwiches today.


Game One
Los Angeles Rams (5-5) at Detroit (2-8)

The Rams stumble into the Motor City on gimpy legs, losing four of their last five and falling a game behind the 49ers in the NFC West. They'll be welcomed by their hosts in the Lions, a team that hasn't taken a Thanksgiving Day game seriously since George Plimpton was nearly called upon to try and lose a tied game with the Green Bay Packers. The Lions don't have much to play for this season besides trying to keep Barry Sanders out of early retirement for another year, but they could seriously play spoilers to the Rams' once-promising season.

Quarter One

Recover: As in, "How will the Rams recover having an
offensive lineman run back a fumble against them?"

Rodney Peete does turkeys everywhere proud when he leads the Lions out to the field and then immediately leads them back out after three failed plays in a row. Jim Everett has a relatively more successful start, but a squash by Dennis Gibson on third down keeps the Rams out of field goal range. After the Rams' punt, the Lions go with a Barry-heavy offense, but apparently No.20 ate his Thanksgiving feast before the game and his plodding is punished with three straight stuffings to force another Detroit punt. Utility man Gaston Green fumbles the kick, however, and Eric Andolsek is forever linked to Detroit Thanksgiving lore when he scoops up the ball and runs it in for a score.

Detroit leads 7-0

Quarter Two
Playing from behind, Jim Everett starts throwing balls into the open air like cans of corn, and it's only a matter of time before Ray Crockett gobbles it up to give the ball back to Detroit. Sanders is the man again, using his legs to get all the way to the Detroit 9-yard line, but the Los Angeles defense holds up this time, absorbing Sanders' runs like pads of butter in mashed potatoes, and Eddie Murray is on for the short kick from 26.

Detroit leads 10-0

Gary must feel like the plate of olives at his team's
dinner table after this blunder

The Rams start from their own 6-yard line with just 1:14 left, but that doesn't stop Jim Everett from driving his team down the field. A pass to Cleveland Gary gets the Rams into field goal range with enough time left, but Gary's hands must have been covered in cranberry sauce, as he fumbles the ball over to Detroit who wind out the clock and go into halftime with the lead.

Halftime - Lions 10, Rams 0

Quarter Three
Los Angeles comes out of halftime inspired, with Everett completing 100% of his passes, including a 38-yard connection to Henry Ellard for the Rams' first score. One more drive like that, and the Lions may be cooked.

Detroit leads 10-7

After a positive Rams' drive, a poor Mike Lansford kick combined with a huge Mel Gray return gives the momentum back to Detroit. The Rams defense holds strong, however, and Eddie Murray is out for his second try of the game. However, his kick is from nearly twice as long as his first, and his wide right miss means there's a cream pie waiting to be introduced to his face on the sidelines.

This one had about as much of a chance as Murray not falling
on his ass after the kick

The Rams get their next drive going with the same pace as their last one, starting with a huge leaping grab by Curt Warner. However, facing 3rd and 19, it's the University of Georgia Bulldog, Cleveland Gary, that runs the ball 41 yards to paydirt and the Rams' first lead of the game.

Los Angeles leads 14-10

The third quarter draws to a close with the Rams defense swallowing up Detroit for another 3-and-out. The Lions may be needing someone to perform the Heimlich on them, as they're choking away this game like it's the turkey bone stuck in Grandpa's throat.

Quarter Four

He'd clutch the Turkey Leg Trophy just as hard that night

Cleveland's looking for his first Turkey Leg Award as his first play from scrimmage is a 28-yard run. The drive is capped with a huge Willie Anderson catch for the Rams' third consecutive touchdown, however, putting Gary's campaign on hold.

Los Angeles leads 21-10

The Lions needs to score on this drive to keep it a game, but they nearly give Los Angeles more points when Peete is sacked near the end zone. He responds brilliantly on the next play, however, with his first completion since the first quarter that gets Detroit to the 42-yard line. It's deja vu all over again from there, however, when the drive stalls. On 4th and 10, Peete overthrows the other wide receiver named Willie, Willie Green, and the Rams get the ball with enough time to either run out the clock or throw another touchdown pass to a wide open Willie Anderson in the end zone. They opt for the latter, sealing Anderson's Turkey Leg Award and another year of getting snubbed for Mr. Gary.

Final Score: Rams 28, Lions 10

The Rams strung Detroit along through the first half with their three turnovers, before unleashing the hounds of hell, aka Los Angeles, on them. It was another Thanksgiving thrashing of the Lions in their hometown, sealing yet another losing season for the Lions and for any of their fans trying to hold in that extra helping of candied yams. The Rams go back to L.A. still holding on to a sliver of hope in a division title chase with San Francisco and getting out of the doghouse temporarily with the win.

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Game Two

New York Giants (6-4) at Dallas (5-5)

It's an NFC East showdown that carries the pomp and circumstance of a Dallas Thanksgiving Day game mixed with the drama of a divisional rivalry. The Giants can take a huge edge over Dallas in their quest for the division crown, and get a leg up on Washington before the weekend. But you can bet that the Cowboys go down without a fight deep in the heart of Texas, at least not until after the New Kids on the Block get caught lip-syncing or the fireworks start Michael Jackson's hair on fire during the halftime show.

What can it be that makes Irvin jump that high?

Quarter One

The Giants are rewarded for their correct coin flip call with the ball to start the game. The Dallas defense shows up in a big way against New York, however, forcing them into a 3rd-and-24 situation. One play later, and Phil Simms has to call an early time out to figure out what the refs mean by 'fourth down'. He is told the wisely by his coaches that the Giants need to punt, which they do.

The Cowboys' drive is one filled with sacks of Troy Aikman and little-to-no gain runs by Emmitt Smith. So when Aikman finds Michael Irvin in the end zone for the first score of this contest, the Giants' 'D' can be forgiven for asking for a Presidential pardon.

Dallas leads 7-0

The quarter Meggetts to an end, as Dave drives the G-men down the field to answer the Dallas score.

Quarter Two

After Meggett carries the Giants on his back down the field, he is rewarded by getting to block for Stephen Baker who snags a Simms pass and runs down the field for a 25-yard score.

Score tied 7-7

Aikman can't luck his way past the Giants defense on his team's second drive, and the Cowboys are forced to punt. Unfortunately, Cowboys' punter Mike Saxon forgot to wear his throwback uniform, which karmically causes his punt to only travel for a net gain of about 14 yards.

One play after the punt, and Baker is walking in for his second touchdown after Simms tosses it over the yearning hands of Issiac Holt. It wouldn't be Tecmo at Thanksgiving if it didn't have Baker going the full 70 yards after Holt falls down, with no other defenders in sight.

Why players with amputated fingers shouldn't be on defense

New York leads 14-7

Dallas is stuffed near their own end zone after the kick, and with Aikman using up all three downs trying to avoid a safety, they don't get far and are forced to punt as the clock drains away to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles-inspired Halftime Show.

Halftime - Giants 14, Cowboys 7

Quarter Three 

The Cowboys start off in a much more favorable spot, as James Dixon gets them into New York territory. The vaunted Giants 'D' comes up big once again, however, giving Smith no room to run or Aikman no room to flail his arms and scream. Needing a momentum shift, coach Jimmy sends Ken Willis out for the fifty-two yarder. He's wide right, the same direction Dallas fans are leaning as they break into their third box of Franzia.

Why you shouldn't eat dessert first

Simms answers to the Cowboys' broken drive with three straight flea-flickers, breaking the Thanksgiving flea-flicker record by three. When Mark Ingram is carted off the field after the third one, however, the Giants go conservative and give it to Ottis Anderson for his first score of the game.

New York leads 21-7

Aikman and his Cowboys are down, but not out. They show signs of life as the quarter comes to an end, converting three third-downs in a row into New York territory.

Quarter Four

As the quarters change over, so does Dallas' fortunes, as they can't convert their next set of downs. Willis is back out near the spot of his first indiscretion, and his haunted soul misses again, this time from fifty-three and wide left. 72-inch televisions all across Dallas are getting covered in Skoal as we write this.

Seen during this miss: Cowboys throw back to 1965,
during their 'purple and orange' phase

New York survives an Ottis Anderson fumble at the beginning of their next drive as they march down the field, but they can't score on their fourth consecutive possession and punt it away to Kelvin Martin, who gets stuffed at his own 9-yard line.

Aikman goes to the air, needing to score, but his desperation pass is somehow intercepted even though all eleven of the Giants are currently dogpiled on top of him.

Crude humor of the day: That's not a football, that's
Anderson making room for seconds! *rimshot*

From the 15-yard line, Anderson trots in untouched for his second touchdown of the game, putting this one to a humbling end for the Cowboys.

New York leads 28-7

Dallas gets the ball back and brings it to midfield with about 50 seconds left, but Lawrence Taylor hasn't had his dinner yet. Four straight Giants' blitzes are what close out this game, leaving behind a pretty tender Dallas O-line. Keep the turkey baster away from L.T., it looks like there's drool dripping off his facemask!

Final Score: Giants 28, Cowboys 7

There's not much to be thankful for in Dallas right now. The Cowboys fall to 5-6, which may be the death knell in this division, and their offense looked hapless despite a promising start to the game. The Giants are playing like Mr. Hyde to the Dr. Jekyll of earlier this season, rebounding nicely from their first loss in seven games to take over the division for a few days. It was a dominant game for New York, and if I don't see Phil Simms' boyish grin in the next few weeks, you can Color Me Badd (aka the halftime entertainment for next year).

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Looking for Looking Ahead? Don't worry, there'll be a special Saturday Edition out tomorrow. Now go take a shower, you're still sweating!

Monday Night Football: New York Giants vs. L.A. Rams

Tonight:Phil Simms vs Jim "Don't call me Chris!" Everett

I don't usually get surprised by things easily, but when I looked at this match-up and then immediately heard that the same two franchises were playing tonight on Actual Monday Night Football (2011 version), I have to admit I was a little taken aback. However, I shouldn't be surprised by too much lately after the events that transpired this week: a Buffalo loss, followed by a San Francisco loss, followed by a Tampa Bay win. While a win by the Rams over the Giants can't really be classified as an "upset", the fact that L.A. would be 2-0 and alone as a division leader, and the Giants would be in the bottom of the NFC East does say something about my abilities to pick unique simulated Tecmo seasons.


Quarter One
David Meggett is the kick returner today, and he takes the ball all the way to the Los Angeles 48-yard line. Apparently in 1991 they made you kick off from behind the goal post. Either way, Meggett is the early star with two hand-offs that net a total of 3 yards. However, from 3rd and 7, Meggett is entrusted to get the 7+ yards needed for a 1st down, and he nets 8 for what's called a successful third-down conversion. Not done with his vainglory, Meggett is the intended receiver for an 18-yard Phil Simms pass that is good for the first touchdown, capping a successful drive for the Giants of New York.

New York leads 7-0

Snagging the kick at his own 12-yard line, Los Angeles' own Gaston Green takes the ball out to the 22-yard line for quarterback Jim Everett, not to be confused with professional female tennis player and sack-avoiding Chris Evert. Everett shows off the arm he worked in the off-season for a 44-yard connection to 'Fast' Willie Anderson, and then rushes to the sideline to powerbomb Jim Rome through a table covered in empty Gatorade cups. As he's doing this, Curt Warner (the one who didn't win a Superbowl with the Rams) lumbers for a 15-yard gain due to the Giants' distraction. New York's defense quickly gets back to work, however, when they bat away an Everett pass and then sack him for a 9-yard loss. Coach John Robinson then calls for a deep pass, but when the ball is snapped, Everett squeals and lobs it to Cleveland Gary, who nets a total of 2 yards, leading the Rams to what is called a fourth-down situation. Mike Lansford is on to boot a field goal from 36 yards out to get Los Angeles on the board.

Hide your kids, hide your quarterbacks

New York leads 7-3

Meggett successfully gets the ball out to the Rams' 48 yard line once again, and the Giants have yet to call a play on their own end of the field. Despite this, a failed Meggett run and two Fred Strickland sacks eventually do push the Giants back into their own field, and Sean Landeta is on to boot the ball for a touchback.

Quarter Two
Gary and Warner both combine for a 9-yard effort, and on 3rd and 1 Warner is stuffed for no gain. Somewhere, irony aficionados are taking note of how Curt Warner ended his career as a grocery store bagger shortly after this game.

In Tecmo, you may only see this type of play
one out of every three snaps

Meggett disappoints fickle New Yorkers everywhere when he only gets the ball to the Giants' 34 yard line. While Stephen Baker's 10-yard catch is mildly impressive to some, most others will probably remember the Mark Ingram snag for a 56-yard catch-and-run to paydirt.

New York leads 14-3

The Pride of Los Angeles, Gaston Green, ducks and weaves to the Rams' 46-yard line to start the drive with just over 2 minutes remaining in the half. Everett shows off his scrambling abilities on the next play for a 4-yard gain, and then shows off his football-lobbing talents with a 50-yard pass to a 'Leaping' Willie Anderson to make a game of this contest.

New York leads 14-10

The Giants start at their own 48-yard line, to a small chorus of boos from the visiting crowd. Their ineptitude is never more apparent when they decide to hand the ball off to Ottis Anderson, but his ability to run for 30 yards is worthy of a few 'OOOOOOOO-TTIIIIIISSSSS' chants. With 48 seconds left, coach Ray Handley pulls out his trump card and calls another Ottis Anderson run. When that fails miserably, there is just enough time for Matt Bahr to get his name in the score book with a 26-yard chip shot heading into halftime.

New York leads 17-10

Halftime - Giants 17, Rams 10

Willie knows football

Quarter Three
Los Angeles' Native Son, Gaston Green, returns the kick from the goal line for a robust 38 yards. Warner is allowed a 20-yard run before Everett lobs it up to 'Trusty' Willie Anderson to quickly and delightfully tie this one up.

Score tied 17-17

A huge boot from Lansford is taken out of the end zone by Meggett, who lands a de facto touchback when he's tackled at the New York 20-yard line. Popular amongst fellow tow-heads, Phil Simms takes the field to nobody's notice. He further fades away into obscurity after a hand off to Anderson that loses 5 yards, despite an audible cheer from the Giants fans in attendance. This becomes clearer when, on the sidelines, Jeff Hostetler is caught knowingly flexing his buttocks. Even Los Angeles seems enamored with this semi-erotic gesture, and they allow Anderson to make up his loss and then some with a 25-yard scamper. Two plays and another 5-yard Anderson loss later, however, it's 3rd and 15. Although the situation doesn't sound promising, to Giants fans everywhere it's better than the 4th-and-20 they now face after a lateral pass to Anderson is picked for a loss of five.

Landeta, who'd been flexing his own buttocks on the sidelines, shows off the after-affects with a 60-yard punt for a touchback. Cleveland Gary, whom repeatedly swears that he's never been to Cleveland, gets a 12-yard run for some breathing room. Henry Ellard gets involved on the next play with a huge snag to flip the field at the Giants' 30 yard line. Two plays later and the Rams face a pivotal 3rd and 20 situation. Although a pitch to Warner gains only 9 yards, the quarter ends with Lansford warming up on the sidelines for a 50-yard boot.

The ever-popular Lansford pose, imitated by the likes of
Hulk Hogan and disco lovers

Quarter Four
The suspenseful wait is worth it all when Lansford puts the Rams in the lead for the first time in the game.

Los Angeles leads 20-17

With 4:26 left to go, New York starts at their own 13. Phil Simms comes out facing a long field ahead of him, but with the sure hands of Mark Ingram and Mark Bavaro at his disposal, he deserves the NFL Films music that will surely accompany this drive. It all starts with a Dave Meggett 18-yard run, followed up by a hustling Ottis Anderson for a huge 50-yarder that gets the Anaheim Coliseum's crew sharpening their daggers for the after-game gift. Although the Giants' offense is stalled on a Los Angeles blitz, Anderson does a tight-rope run along the sidelines for the remaining 23 yards to a touchdown.

New York leads 24-20

The Vegas-sounding 'Disappearing Holohan' was always
a controversial figure in professional sports

With under three minutes to go, it would seem that the Rams have all the time they need so long as Matt Bahr only kicks it 50 yards. And so that he does, and Los Angeles starts the most important drive of their young season at their own 42 down by four. Gary takes two straight pitches, and on the second one he's got a wide open field in front of him for a 27-yard gain. Warner gets some more work in before his shift at Hornbacher's, and then Everett takes to the air once more with a 23-yard toss to Notre Dame-alum Pete Holohan. With just over a minute to go, the Rams suddenly find themselves at the New York 2-yard line and an all-important victory in their sights. They make the situation that much-more unbelievable when they give it to Warner for the go-ahead touchdown.

Los Angeles leads 27-24

A beautiful Lansford boot gets the Giants stuffed at their own 19 with just 53 seconds left to win or tie it up. With all of the world watching, Mike Wilcher cashes in his fifteen minutes with a huge 10-yard sack to put the Giants at their own 9 and forcing them to take their final time-out. The next play is out of the shotgun, with Simms standing in the shadow of his own goal post. His daring, and later-deemed 'controversial' pitch to Meggett somehow proves fruitful, as he gains 47 yards to the Los Angeles 44-yard line. With only 11 seconds to go and needing to get into Bahr range, Simms' dim-witted, and later-deemed 'Steve Walsh-like' re-hash of the same Meggett pitch only gets 2 yards and that's all she wrote from Los Angeles.

Final - Rams 27, Giants 24

It will take a lot of convincing, but I'll be hard-pressed to find a reason why tonight's actual MNF display of Giants v. Rams will be better than Tecmo's version they put on here. The Giants were strong at first, with good helpings of Ottis Anderson and long catch-and-run by Mark Ingram, while the Rams were their usual hapless but lovable selves, until they exploded in the second half. There were hardly any shades of Frank Reich here, nevertheless Jim Everett's efforts to bring the Rams from sure defeat to glorious victory is commendable, even though we're seeing him before his inevitable breakdown beginning in Week 6. It will be hard to put this entertaining week of Tecmo football behind us, but we'll forge through anyway in the hopes of seeing some more 'C'urt Warner-type heroics before season's end.