Week Sixteen: Jumping the Wall

There's usually a lot to be said about teams that make it this far into the season and still have a glimmer of hope. No so much anymore; with only four teams clinching playoff berths, there's still a total of 15 more looking to join the party. Week 16 usually proves to be the wall that most of these teams hit and wind up sliding back down in defeat, with only a few leaping over to look forward to Week 17 glory.

1:00 Games

N.Y. Jets (4-10) at New England (3-11)

The Jets survive another game to stay ahead of New England in the junior varsity class of the AFC East. Ken O.Brien was the silent warrior, with only 105 passing yards, but his zero picks to Steve Grogan's 2 explain the small margin with which they won. John Stephens tried his best to keep his Pats in it with 11 rushes for 139 yards, but naturally New England's proclivity for putrid play makes me want to both vomit and write alliterations.

Final Score: Jets 17, Patriots 13

Green Bay (7-6-1) at Detroit (4-10)

Don Majkowski did his best to knock his own team out of the playoff hunt with 3 interceptions, but his brilliance was too hard to hold down. He threw for 240 yards, 167 of them to Sterling Sharpe, while Chris Jacke booted a late field goal to wreck a nice day for Barry Sanders, who had 132 yards on just 7 runs. We like the Packers to go far if they can get in, but if they can't, we'll try to be at least 100 miles away from Bob Nelson at all times.

Final Score: Packers 20, Lions 17

N.Y. Giants (10-4) at Washington (8-6)

The Redskins win a huge late-season divisional battle at home behind Earnest Byner's 90 rushing yards and Mark Rypien's standard perfect passing day. The Giants' offense was stifled with a combined 229 total combined yards, but the fact that they still scored 21 points has the rest of the division cowering under their security blankets. Washington takes a huge leap in the playoff wild card race, and can clinch a spot with an Eagles loss.

Final Score: Redskins 28, Giants 21

Pittsburgh (5-9) at Cincinnati (7-7)

Although most of us had our hands on the Bengals' life support, they just continue winning. They make fools of Pittsburgh in this one, with Boomer Esiason and Eddie Brown providing a one-two punch to keep the Steelers reeling. Depending on what happens the rest of the afternoon, the Bengals could be facing a clinching scenario next week against New England. Usually when we see 'Bengals' and 'clinching' together, it's in regards to a certain bodily function, and not playoff positioning.

Final Score: Bengals 24, Steelers 3

Another sunny day in Phoenix, and Denver's still frozen

Denver (8-6) at Phoenix (1-13)

Well, it happened. We knew that talent like Timm Rosenbach and Johnny Johnson couldn't be held to just one win, and they get their second here in a big way. Denver picked the wrong time to throw away a win to a non-contending team, as they may now be forced to back their way into the playoffs. Unfortunately, using the back door anywhere in Colorado usually leads to things that cannot be unseen.

Final Score: Cardinals 30, Broncos 21

Dallas (6-8) at Philadelphia (8-6)

The Cowboys lose what meager hopes they had for a spot in the playoffs at the expense of a divisional foe moving one step closer. The Eagles win here, setting up what may be the game of the week next week when they take on Washington for a wild card spot or, if something incredibly wild happens with the Giants, a division title. QB Eagles was brilliantly perfect with 237 yards and 0 picks, while Keith Byars had 146 all-purpose yards, and we think Philly may suddenly be one of the scarier teams going into the final week.

Final Score: Eagles 38, Cowboys 23

Which basically means he needs a new microcontroller

Kansas City (5-9) at San Francisco (10-4)

The Chiefs pull off what many teams much better than them couldn't do, and that was to halt the San Francisco 49ers in their tracks after a 9-game win streak. They went up by 17 points, only to have the 49ers come back to tie after Barry Word went out. But by returning the favor in knocking Roger Craig out, along with a late field goal by Nick 'The Kick' Lowery, the Chiefs followed through on their promise to do something worth their inclusion in this year's NFL season. The 49ers' run to another division title is stalled for the time being.

Final Score: Chiefs 20, 49ers 17

Miami (9-5) at San Diego (9-5)

The Dolphins clinch a wild card spot with the win here, but more importantly they keep the AFC West from being a watchable division by holding off the Chargers' championship party. Dan Marino threw for 232 yards, while Billy Joe only had 147 and 2 picks. At one point, the game was 29-0 in the fourth quarter, until the entire Miami team, coaching staff, trainers and water boys all went to Six Flags. And San Diego could still only muster 21 points after that.

Final Score: Dolphins 29, Chargers 21

L.A. Raiders (7-7) at New Orleans (6-8)

The Saints are out of it with the NFC East sweeps, but still manage to beat up on a punchless team in the Los Angeles Raiders. With still very much to play for, the Raiders instead send out their surly half and can't do enough to keep New Orleans from scoring the late touchdown to win. Steve Walsh had a 75% completion rate with 209 yards and 0 interceptions, and we're suddenly believers in a reality television show called QB swap, in which Walsh finally brings the Tecmo Raiders to a Super Bowl appearance.

Final Score: Saints 31, Raiders 24

4:00 Games

Seattle (8-6) at Atlanta (5-9)

The Seahawks take advantage of the San Diego loss to pull into a first-place tie heading into Week 17 with a huge 14-point comeback in the 4th quarter. Atlanta led in all major offensive categories, with 101 rushing yards and Miller tossing up 210 yards with a 78% completion rate, but Seattle still leads in weird programming glitches that allows them to always be the instigator in the AFC West dogfight each year.

Final Score: Seahawks 24, Falcons 21

Levy caught without his Bills sweater on Championship Day?

Indianapolis (5-9) at Buffalo (10-3-1)

The Bills already nabbed the bye week with the San Diego loss, but with the formulaic win here against Indy they also steal the division championship from Miami. After trailing the Dolphins for much of the year, Buffalo has gotten hot at the right time with QB Bills tossing 240 yards and Thurman Thomas rushing for a robust 10 yards per carry. Just as we were about to say it, we noticed that another round of 'F*** the Bills' t-shirts were being printed for the 15,000th time since Tecmo's release.

Final Score: Bills 35, Colts 10

Tampa Bay (6-8) at Chicago (7-7)

Probably too little, too late, the Bears take care of business at home against a tough Tampa Bay squad, as Neal Anderson ran up and down for 132 yards on 13 carries while also finding time to pull in 161 receiving yards on 7 grabs. While we know any team would hate to see Anderson in the playoffs, they need about 90% of the NFC to lose next week to back in, and that's even with the Fridge leading the charge.

Final Score: Bears 31, Buccaneers 10

Houston (11-3) at Cleveland (6-8)

The Oilers take one step closer to clinching home field with this divisional win against Cleveland. Although the Oilers' defensive star shone brightly with 3 picks of QB Browns, it appears Warren Moon has gotten himself polished up nicely for the postseason with 413 passing yards and 0 picks. Houston has had a quietly dominant season, but we're looking forward to seeing what they can do against teams that aren't sucky enough to push away even pixellated Tecmo fans from their stadium.

Final Score: Oilers 45, Browns 21

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So it appears those candy canes were more potent than I thought, and I somehow woke up mid-week after the post-Christmas festivities that mostly included sugar cookies and Old Milwaukee. Therefore, we have a rare Wednesday night football contest leading up to Week 17 between the Minnesota Vikings and Los Angeles Rams. Will we see the Vikings roll to another win after clinching the all-important home field advantage in the playoffs? Or will we see the Rams take advantage of a huge 49ers loss and pull within one game with one to go? The Rams lost control of the race mid-way through the season, but could come back in a big way with a win at home against the league-best Vikings. Although we heard the Vikings were tough, we also heard Wade Wilson mistake Jim Everett for a star female tennis player, which doesn't bode well for them or their tables covered in Gatorade cups.

Monday Night Football: New York Giants vs. L.A. Rams

Tonight:Phil Simms vs Jim "Don't call me Chris!" Everett

I don't usually get surprised by things easily, but when I looked at this match-up and then immediately heard that the same two franchises were playing tonight on Actual Monday Night Football (2011 version), I have to admit I was a little taken aback. However, I shouldn't be surprised by too much lately after the events that transpired this week: a Buffalo loss, followed by a San Francisco loss, followed by a Tampa Bay win. While a win by the Rams over the Giants can't really be classified as an "upset", the fact that L.A. would be 2-0 and alone as a division leader, and the Giants would be in the bottom of the NFC East does say something about my abilities to pick unique simulated Tecmo seasons.


Quarter One
David Meggett is the kick returner today, and he takes the ball all the way to the Los Angeles 48-yard line. Apparently in 1991 they made you kick off from behind the goal post. Either way, Meggett is the early star with two hand-offs that net a total of 3 yards. However, from 3rd and 7, Meggett is entrusted to get the 7+ yards needed for a 1st down, and he nets 8 for what's called a successful third-down conversion. Not done with his vainglory, Meggett is the intended receiver for an 18-yard Phil Simms pass that is good for the first touchdown, capping a successful drive for the Giants of New York.

New York leads 7-0

Snagging the kick at his own 12-yard line, Los Angeles' own Gaston Green takes the ball out to the 22-yard line for quarterback Jim Everett, not to be confused with professional female tennis player and sack-avoiding Chris Evert. Everett shows off the arm he worked in the off-season for a 44-yard connection to 'Fast' Willie Anderson, and then rushes to the sideline to powerbomb Jim Rome through a table covered in empty Gatorade cups. As he's doing this, Curt Warner (the one who didn't win a Superbowl with the Rams) lumbers for a 15-yard gain due to the Giants' distraction. New York's defense quickly gets back to work, however, when they bat away an Everett pass and then sack him for a 9-yard loss. Coach John Robinson then calls for a deep pass, but when the ball is snapped, Everett squeals and lobs it to Cleveland Gary, who nets a total of 2 yards, leading the Rams to what is called a fourth-down situation. Mike Lansford is on to boot a field goal from 36 yards out to get Los Angeles on the board.

Hide your kids, hide your quarterbacks

New York leads 7-3

Meggett successfully gets the ball out to the Rams' 48 yard line once again, and the Giants have yet to call a play on their own end of the field. Despite this, a failed Meggett run and two Fred Strickland sacks eventually do push the Giants back into their own field, and Sean Landeta is on to boot the ball for a touchback.

Quarter Two
Gary and Warner both combine for a 9-yard effort, and on 3rd and 1 Warner is stuffed for no gain. Somewhere, irony aficionados are taking note of how Curt Warner ended his career as a grocery store bagger shortly after this game.

In Tecmo, you may only see this type of play
one out of every three snaps

Meggett disappoints fickle New Yorkers everywhere when he only gets the ball to the Giants' 34 yard line. While Stephen Baker's 10-yard catch is mildly impressive to some, most others will probably remember the Mark Ingram snag for a 56-yard catch-and-run to paydirt.

New York leads 14-3

The Pride of Los Angeles, Gaston Green, ducks and weaves to the Rams' 46-yard line to start the drive with just over 2 minutes remaining in the half. Everett shows off his scrambling abilities on the next play for a 4-yard gain, and then shows off his football-lobbing talents with a 50-yard pass to a 'Leaping' Willie Anderson to make a game of this contest.

New York leads 14-10

The Giants start at their own 48-yard line, to a small chorus of boos from the visiting crowd. Their ineptitude is never more apparent when they decide to hand the ball off to Ottis Anderson, but his ability to run for 30 yards is worthy of a few 'OOOOOOOO-TTIIIIIISSSSS' chants. With 48 seconds left, coach Ray Handley pulls out his trump card and calls another Ottis Anderson run. When that fails miserably, there is just enough time for Matt Bahr to get his name in the score book with a 26-yard chip shot heading into halftime.

New York leads 17-10

Halftime - Giants 17, Rams 10

Willie knows football

Quarter Three
Los Angeles' Native Son, Gaston Green, returns the kick from the goal line for a robust 38 yards. Warner is allowed a 20-yard run before Everett lobs it up to 'Trusty' Willie Anderson to quickly and delightfully tie this one up.

Score tied 17-17

A huge boot from Lansford is taken out of the end zone by Meggett, who lands a de facto touchback when he's tackled at the New York 20-yard line. Popular amongst fellow tow-heads, Phil Simms takes the field to nobody's notice. He further fades away into obscurity after a hand off to Anderson that loses 5 yards, despite an audible cheer from the Giants fans in attendance. This becomes clearer when, on the sidelines, Jeff Hostetler is caught knowingly flexing his buttocks. Even Los Angeles seems enamored with this semi-erotic gesture, and they allow Anderson to make up his loss and then some with a 25-yard scamper. Two plays and another 5-yard Anderson loss later, however, it's 3rd and 15. Although the situation doesn't sound promising, to Giants fans everywhere it's better than the 4th-and-20 they now face after a lateral pass to Anderson is picked for a loss of five.

Landeta, who'd been flexing his own buttocks on the sidelines, shows off the after-affects with a 60-yard punt for a touchback. Cleveland Gary, whom repeatedly swears that he's never been to Cleveland, gets a 12-yard run for some breathing room. Henry Ellard gets involved on the next play with a huge snag to flip the field at the Giants' 30 yard line. Two plays later and the Rams face a pivotal 3rd and 20 situation. Although a pitch to Warner gains only 9 yards, the quarter ends with Lansford warming up on the sidelines for a 50-yard boot.

The ever-popular Lansford pose, imitated by the likes of
Hulk Hogan and disco lovers

Quarter Four
The suspenseful wait is worth it all when Lansford puts the Rams in the lead for the first time in the game.

Los Angeles leads 20-17

With 4:26 left to go, New York starts at their own 13. Phil Simms comes out facing a long field ahead of him, but with the sure hands of Mark Ingram and Mark Bavaro at his disposal, he deserves the NFL Films music that will surely accompany this drive. It all starts with a Dave Meggett 18-yard run, followed up by a hustling Ottis Anderson for a huge 50-yarder that gets the Anaheim Coliseum's crew sharpening their daggers for the after-game gift. Although the Giants' offense is stalled on a Los Angeles blitz, Anderson does a tight-rope run along the sidelines for the remaining 23 yards to a touchdown.

New York leads 24-20

The Vegas-sounding 'Disappearing Holohan' was always
a controversial figure in professional sports

With under three minutes to go, it would seem that the Rams have all the time they need so long as Matt Bahr only kicks it 50 yards. And so that he does, and Los Angeles starts the most important drive of their young season at their own 42 down by four. Gary takes two straight pitches, and on the second one he's got a wide open field in front of him for a 27-yard gain. Warner gets some more work in before his shift at Hornbacher's, and then Everett takes to the air once more with a 23-yard toss to Notre Dame-alum Pete Holohan. With just over a minute to go, the Rams suddenly find themselves at the New York 2-yard line and an all-important victory in their sights. They make the situation that much-more unbelievable when they give it to Warner for the go-ahead touchdown.

Los Angeles leads 27-24

A beautiful Lansford boot gets the Giants stuffed at their own 19 with just 53 seconds left to win or tie it up. With all of the world watching, Mike Wilcher cashes in his fifteen minutes with a huge 10-yard sack to put the Giants at their own 9 and forcing them to take their final time-out. The next play is out of the shotgun, with Simms standing in the shadow of his own goal post. His daring, and later-deemed 'controversial' pitch to Meggett somehow proves fruitful, as he gains 47 yards to the Los Angeles 44-yard line. With only 11 seconds to go and needing to get into Bahr range, Simms' dim-witted, and later-deemed 'Steve Walsh-like' re-hash of the same Meggett pitch only gets 2 yards and that's all she wrote from Los Angeles.

Final - Rams 27, Giants 24

It will take a lot of convincing, but I'll be hard-pressed to find a reason why tonight's actual MNF display of Giants v. Rams will be better than Tecmo's version they put on here. The Giants were strong at first, with good helpings of Ottis Anderson and long catch-and-run by Mark Ingram, while the Rams were their usual hapless but lovable selves, until they exploded in the second half. There were hardly any shades of Frank Reich here, nevertheless Jim Everett's efforts to bring the Rams from sure defeat to glorious victory is commendable, even though we're seeing him before his inevitable breakdown beginning in Week 6. It will be hard to put this entertaining week of Tecmo football behind us, but we'll forge through anyway in the hopes of seeing some more 'C'urt Warner-type heroics before season's end.