Week Twelve: Troy's Turkeys and Peete's Potatoes

The Thanksgiving holiday has come and gone, and now most of us are lying on our couches with full stomachs and empty pockets. You may have spent three month's salary during Black Friday, but we're here to offer you some twenty-year old football free of charge. Today you'll see some recaps of the classic Thanksgiving throwdowns involving Detroit and Dallas, alongside today's current lineup of superstars mushing eachother's brains for your enjoyment. So grab a plate of microwaved stuffing and potatoes and let us guide you through the final turn on your holiday weekend of food, football and finding new ways to finance your child's college education.

Game One
Cincinnati (5-5) at Detroit (2-8)

The Bengals have picked up their britches after giving up five straight losses, pulling themselves back to .500 and now drawing the Detroit Lions en route to a pretty decent shot at finding some air in the AFC Central. The Lions have played considerably better than last season, but have yet to find any answers to getting their own record to reflect that. One factor may be the dramatic fall of Barry Sanders from being a rushing threat, putting all the pressure on a man named Peete: Rodney Peete, that is. Rodney's done his best to keep his team in close games, but Barry will need to get back on track against one of the league's worst rush defenses to give the Lions some teeth again.

Quarter One
Harold Green's fall from grace had never been more apparent than in Cincinnati's first drive, which featured him running twice into his own linemen and fumbling the ball over to Ray Crockett on third down. Detroit faced their own struggles over the first two plays, with Peete unable to find open men. Unfortunately, Cincinnati must have recorded the part of the tape where Barry Sanders makes catches out of the backfield with coverage of the Fish Toss at Fountain Square, as they totally left him wide open to bring Peete's pass to paydirt on third down.

Detroit leads 7-0

The Lions blitzed Boomer on three straight plays, but only managed to fluster him for two when he found Green open on 3rd and long to set up a fresh set of downs. Green bailed the Bengals out again on another third down situation with a long run into the red zone. With the targets set to Green, Esiason finally got some breathing room and found a sliding Tim McGee just across the end zone for a game-tying score.

Score tied 7-7

Quarter Two
Like your Grandmother and her classically-trained turkey carving, Peete sliced and diced his way past the Cincinnati secondary, leading to a needled pass to Brent Perriman at the 15-yard line. Peete took it on his own over the next two plays, falling a yard short on third down to set up a crucial call by head coach Wayne Fontes on 4th-and-goal. Emboldened perhaps by their negative win-to-loss ratio, the Lions went for broke on 4th down, leading to a somewhat rare incompletion by Peete in the end zone.

Harold Green was called on once more to get his team as far away from the inch line as possible, successfully moving his team forward until Esiason's flea flicker attempt was picked off. With just under a minute remaining in the quarter, the Lions finish what they started earlier with a Peete-to-Herman Moore touchdown connection of 55 yards.

Detroit leads 14-7

Halftime - Lions 14, Bengals 7

Quarter Three
As it has all year, Detroit's new-look rushing attack featured Rodney Peete taking the ball on a few bootlegs to get the Lions in scoring territory. However, in a more traditional fashion, Peete went to the air to attack the porous Bengals' back four and find Herman Moore once again for their second touchdown and Peete's third of the day.

Detroit leads 21-7

Lions' rookie cornerback and future XFL star for the Los Angeles Outlaws, Kevin Scott, intercepted Boomer's first pass of the drive to cut their comeback campaign a bit short. With a more comfortable lead, the Lions finally put Barry's feet on the turf with Peete's first pitch to the explosive back going for 25 yards. The formula was put back on the shelf, however, with Peete lacing it once more to another reciever, tight end Jimmie Johnson, for another 30+ passing touchdown.

Detroit leads 28-7

Time was running out on the Bengals who needed a big play to pull somewhat closer to Detroit, though with Esiason's arm in question they pulled off a trick play to power runner Derrick Fenner that was on its way to netting 30 yards before he fumbled it back over to Ray Crockett for the heart-stabbing turnover as the quarter expired.

Quarter Four
Even with Peete throwing for short gains, his receivers were still able to gather large amounts of ground, including a 10-yard pass to Perrima to start the quarter going for another 47. Sanders finally got his first score over the next two plays that saw him catching a short pass, along with a pitch, to show off his still-explosive speed for Detroit's first non-Peete involved touchdown of the day.

Detroit leads 35-7

Green's ground game was less than inspired over the next few plays of Cincinnati's possession, so Esiason opted to go to him through the air, successfully connecting with the former Trojan for the Bengals' second touchdown.

Detroit leads 35-14

Sanders picked up the fated onside kick and trampled his way to the Cincinnati 35-yard line, unable to burst past kicker Jim Breech. He was able to close off those remaining yards, however, with two runs to give him just his twelfth touchdown of the season, but his third on the day.

Detroit leads 42-14

With just 47 seconds remaining and the Bengals looking for something positive, they opted to show that they're still the best flea-flicking team in the league. The campaign took a few steps back, however, when Green tossed the ball back to a flattened Boomer and William White picked it up for Detroit to run out the clock on a rare Thanksgiving win.

Final Score: Lions 42, Bengals 14

The Lions laid a turducken-sized thumping on Cincinnati in a game the Bengals needed to win to keep up with the surging Houston and Pittsburgh teams in their division. Though it was just Detroit's third win of the season, it was a dominating one in their first time in the national spotlight this year. Rodney Peete's gunslinging still has him gunning for Comeback Player of the Year, and his growing corps of weapons can only be promising for the Lions future in spoiling other teams' quests for postseason play. This was perhaps the turning point in Cincinnati's once-promising season, exposing them as the turkeys they are. Rodney Peete and his four throwing touchdowns may have his hotel door getting a lot of knocks tonight, yet it was Barry Sanders' three scores and dominant second half that have him feasting on the spoils of a Turkey Day award in the early game.

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Game Two
Phoenix (1-9) at Dallas (6-4)

With Dallas heating up at the right time and the Cardinals playing perhaps their worst football since moving from Racine Street, we're only expecting another Thanksgiving Day stuffing with the high-powered Cowboys' offense trampling all over Phoenix. Of course, we'll still see the glimmers of hope with Chris Chandler throwing a similar 5-for-25 for 400 yards, though their one win during Monday Night may as well be the highlight of this rather dismal season that even we here at the Tecmo Bowl weren't jaded enough to predict.

Quarter One
The Cardinals moved backwards on their first drive, with a 7-yard sack being the only movement from the line of scrimmage. To add insult to even more insults being hurled at the league-worst Cardinals' defense, the usually complex-but-misguided Irvin reverse fooled Phoenix for a 58-yard gain. Daryl Johnston uncharacteristically ran in for Dallas' first score, only highlighting where this day was headed for the Cardinals.

Dallas leads 7-0

The Cowboys went up by two scores when Chandler found himself on the bottom of a Dallas dogpile, coughing the ball up to Charles Haley to run it in for a 40-yard score. The game was already a runaway with Troy and Emmitt not even showing up on the scoreboard yet.

Dallas leads 14-0

Phoenix's first positive amount of yardage comes just when the quarter headed towards its end, as Chandler crossed the midfield point with a 24-yard scamper. The next two plays, however, had a riled up Dallas defense coming down on Chandler with two straight blitzes to knock the Cardinals back to their own 32-yard line.

Quarter Two
With a change of scenery and Chris Chandler's arm fed a few more quarters, he lobbed up a desperation pass to Ricky Proehl near the Dallas 2-yard line. The jump ball was brought in by the soft hands of Clayton Holmes, however, who ran it back to the Dallas 11-yard line. Aikman completed what was surprisingly just his first pass of the game to Jay Novacek, though the usually dependable tight end out of Wyoming bobbled it over to safety Michael Zordich. With the Cardinals given a rare second chance, Chandler continued to build up an unfortunate rapport with cornerback Holmes as the rookie pulled in his second interception in as many passes from Chandler. Dallas' next drive burned Phoenix for their amateur play with Aikman picking apart the defense and unleashing Emmitt Smith for 40-something yards, capped off by a 14-yard reception to score a more traditional Dallas touchdown.

Dallas leads 21-0

Unable to find a way to break through the Cowboys' defense, Phoenix called a few trick plays, finally rewarded by a Ricky Proehl reverse that nets 50 yards. With time running under a minute until halftime, however, the Cardinals are forced to revert back to looking for the big play. Though Johnny Bailey found a hole for 22 yards to set up Phoenix for at least 3 points, Greg Davis and his balsa wood leg had the Cardinals banking off the left upright headed into halftime. However, with 15 seconds still left on the clock, Dallas proved that no amount of time is short enough for Emmitt Smith to run 78 yards to score.

Dallas leads 28-0

Halftime - Cowboys 28, Cardinals 0

Quarter Three
Kelvin Martin was taken out by the Cardinals on the opening kickoff. Though it doesn't limit the amount of attacks in Dallas' arsenal, it did prove their vulnerability and give Phoenix's defense some new wind to keep them from scoring on their first drive of the half. Unfortunately, they still had to run out their offense that, still suffering their personality disorder, went 3-and-out on the ensuing drive. The quarter ended as it began with Aikman cutting the Cardinals apart with a slow, methodical drive.

Quarter Four
After tacking on to his league-leading yards by getting his team to midfield, Emmitt Smith gave way to the capable arm of his quarterback as Aikman found Michael Irvin 40 yards away to get into threatening position once more. Opting to sit Smith on the next play, Aikman, perhaps to win a bet, ran a bootleg to score himself and put Dallas up by a very much insurmountable lead.

Dallas leads 35-0

After figuring out that Johnny Johnson wasn't actually on the injured reserves list, Chandler found his man at midfield and watched Johnson show off his legs to the Dallas 15-yard line. The two-headed Johnny attack returned, even if it was just for a short sweet, second, when Bailey ran up the middle untouched for Phoenix's obligatory score.

Dallas leads 35-7

The Cardinals surprised nobody with an onside kick, though Aikman did raise a few eyebrows in running it back to just outside the red zone. Johnston tried to get involved in a score once again, but the presence of a certain safety once again struck the fear of Zordich in Johnston, causing him to cough it up to the one bright spot in Phoenix's defense. Starting at their own 30 after the return, Chandler got his team down to the end zone with a 26-yard throw to Randal Hill, followed up by a pitch to Bailey in the face of a blitz that covered up the final 54 yards for Phoenix's second consecutive score.

Dallas leads 35-14

Smith picked up the onside kick this time, and followed it up with a 49-yard score to slide the icy knife into Phoenix's back and cement the Cowboys' dominant Thanksgiving win.

Dallas leads 42-14

After four touchdowns were scored in the last quarter alone, Bailey tried his best to make it a fifth with a long return that fell just short of a rare exciting touchdown for Phoenix.

Final Score: Cowboys 42, Cardinals 14

It was a game similar to its earlier match-up in score only, with the Cowboys hardly looking weak at all save for a few untimely turnovers. Though Emmitt Smith was once again the story for Dallas on offense, it was a tough defense that never let Chandler get going on one of his normally explosive attacks. Dallas was just .500 three weeks ago, but since then have won three in a row in what could conservatively be called dominating fashion to put the heat on Philadelphia and Washington in their division. Phoenix fell to a league-worst 10th loss, and now the only thing that can stop the bleeding in the southwest would be Freddie Joe Nunn strongbox-sized hemorrhage.

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With the headache of the holiday over, it's time to get back into the thick of the battle. There's some interesting match-ups today, setting up what's sure to be some hot races down the line. Week 12 generally represents the last gasp for a lot of teams, so let's do some cannonballs and see which teams will float to the surface, and which will sink while attached to the dead weight of Dave Krieg. Due to the heft of our Thanksgiving recaps, we'll present this week's games in abbreviated haiku form.

1:00 Games

Buffalo (5-5) * Atlanta (8-2)

Bills score late to win

Miller still wins the air game

Broussard is a bust

Final Score: Bills 28, Falcons 24

Kansas City (2-8) * Seattle (2-8)

Suck-fest in the West

Seattle has Krieg's number

Stan "Joe Cool" today

Final Score: Seahawks 20, Chiefs 14

Miami (6-3-1) * Houston (7-3)

Dolphins outlast Moon

Marino nearly perfect

Duncan one man show

Final Score: Dolphins 31, Oilers 24

San Diego (8-2) * Tampa Bay (4-6)

Chargers can't be beat

Vinny, more picks than catches

Bucs not in same league

Final Score: Chargers 17, Buccaneers 6

Minnesota (7-3) * Cleveland (5-5)

Vikings eke one out

Gannon strangely efficient

Browns losing ground fast

Final Score: Vikings 24, Browns 17

Green Bay (4-6) * Chicago (6-4)

Muster still the man

Bears win despite Harbaugh

Favre reeks of rookie

Final Score: Bears 24, Packers 10

Philadelphia (7-3) * New York Giants (3-7)

Walker fools New York

Eagles step out from Dallas

Hoss to change his name

Final Score: Eagles 35, Giants 14

4:00 Games

New Orleans (8-2) * Washington (6-4)

Hebert has off day

Heyward bails out with big game

Saints hang for ninth win

Final Score: Saints 17, Redskins 13

San Francisco (8-2) * Los Angeles Rams (4-6)

L.A. scores upset

Everett out-Youngs Steve Young

Rams still thorn in side

Final Score: Rams 34, 49ers 31

Pittsburgh (6-4) * Indianapolis (2-8)

Steelers remain hot

Foster over two hundred

Smells in Hoosier Dome

Final Score: Steelers 27, Colts 14

Los Angeles Raiders (5-5) * Denver (4-6)

Raiders take step back

Chargers send Denver champagne

Todd is no Elway

Final Score: Broncos 37, Raiders 14

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Tomorrow night will be bittersweet as we swing up to visit the New England Patriots in our last featured game of teams yet to be featured. From here, it'll be big games upon big games, suddenly meaning the possibility of my head no longer meeting my keyboard. But before we get ahead of ourselves, I'll have one more romantic weekend between my forehead and the space bar when Millen takes his team against the recently anemic New York Jets. The last time we saw Nagle and Co., they were mired in a tie in the biggest game of their season while Nagle floundered in the spotlight. He gets an immediate chance at redemption, and should come away with a few more supermodel phone numbers going up against a Patriots team that only have a defense because it's mandated by the league.One bright spot for New England includes their running back, Kevin Turner, who's recent one-man wrecking crew gimmick is peaking at just the right time for us to view this debacle.

Monday Night Football: Doubleheader!

Here at The Tecmo Bowl, we honor Monday Night Football for its cultural significance and chance for each team to get their own shot on the national stage. Of course, with this blog being on the internet, each game we painstakingly write about is discussed in minute detail for the entire world, so Monday Night Football is really pointless. But we can't deny its inclusion in the heritage of our favorite game, and therefore have gone to great lengths to bring you not one, but two exciting simulations to round out your weekend of football blitzkrieg.

Game One
Pittsburgh (0-0) vs. Houston (0-0)

The Steelers meet their old nemeses from Houston in the first game of our doubleheader. While there's no bad blood to speak of yet this season, we must all believe that Pittsburgh is ready to right the wrongs of the past few years and plant their flag in the division they once made famous. Houston has had enough time to get over their Tecmo Bowl hangover, but face a tough test in their first game of their Tour de Tecmo Bowl Repeat. How will the Oilers handle their division rival, now led by unnecessarily mean-looking Neil O'Donnell? Let's join the action already in progress (don't worry, all we missed was Mick Jagger gyrating on a Ronald McDonald statue).

Quarter One
Houston takes the field with one notable player MIA: Drew Hill. It's been well documented that the MVP of last season's Tecmo Bowl high-tailed it for greener pastures in Atlanta, so Warren Moon will have to make the best of what he's given. And what he's given is 10th round pick Curtis Duncan, who brings down Moon's first pass in his post-champion career 65 yards from where it was thrown for an Oilers touchdown.

Houston leads 7-0

Neil O'Donnell hunches behind center unfazed by his counterpart's excellence of execution. He does his best Moon impression with a three-step drop, quick look to the right, and then a bomb down the sideline. He jumps in celebration when it's caught, until he's told by Carlton Haselrig that only Moon should be throwing to the guys in sky blue. The Oilers crash down to earth on their next drive, and after a three-and-out forced by a more recognizable Pittsburgh defense, the Steelers get the ball back. They play it marginally safer on their next drive, with handoffs to Merril Hoge dominating the clock, but end up punting when they stray from the usually successful and always exciting Hoge formula.

Quarter Two
Moon uses the next drive to show off his surgically enhanced legs, of which he bought with the money from his pawned Tecmo Bowl ring, but no amount of cash can pay for the amount of pride Darren Perry's mother felt when he picked Moon off along the sidelines. On the Steelers' next drive, Barry Foster runs 76 yards to the Houston 8-yard line, already surpassing Merril Hoge's best season total. One play later, and Neil O'Donnell's making believers of those who distrust coal factory workers.

Score tied 7-7

The rest of the first half teeters between Moon placing his faith in Lorenzo White's ability to catch things that aren't his own shoelaces and O'Donnell trying to make up for the Brister-less factor in a game involving the Pittsburgh Steelers. Moon hocks up another interception, this time in the end zone, while O'Donnell is trying his best to give it away with two passes to the opposing team's safeties. After Dwight Stone derails O'Donnell's efforts for one play to get the Steelers into scoring position, Neil seals the deal with a toss to Jerry Gray of the Houston Football Oilers and this game's going into the half all knotted up.

Halftime - Steelers 7, Oilers 7

Quarter Three
Pittsburgh comes out of the gates roaring with a Merril Hoge one-yard run, an O'Donnell pass to the two old men with binoculars in the second deck, and a laser pass that sinks itself into the back of Jeff Graham's head. The Oilers answer with an offense that includes the popular fumble recovery by left guard Kevin Donnalley, who quizzically runs for 30 yards to the Pittsburgh 24-yard line. The Steelers' defensive line comes up big with a 3-play stop that forces Al Del Greco to nab his first three points as a passable Tony Zendejas replacement.

Houston leads 10-7

In seasons past, the Bubby Brister-led Steelers would have answered this defeating change of momentum by giving Merril Hoge the ball and telling him to at least not murder anyone with it. This is the year of the 1992 Pittsburgh Steelers, ladies and gentlemen, which means passing a ball to Merril Hoge in the end zone after a 42-yard run by Foster.

Pittsburgh leads 14-10

Quarter Four
Now down by 4 points in the final quarter of play, Moon gets into his feared smack-a-bitch mode. He laces a ball to Duncan and runs the bootleg to get near the Pittsburgh 34-yard line. But if he didn't think Pittsburgh came to make a statement in this sibling rivalry, he was all shades of wrong after two blitzes push him back and an incomplete pass fails to advance them anywhere near Del Greco's range. The missed 50-yard kick has Zendejas sipping on his raspberry iced tea with a smirk and the Pittsburgh Steelers in prime position to put this game away. Jeff Graham is silently becoming O'Donnell's favorite target with a catch and run to the Houston 25-yard line, but when the Oilers shut down the lethal Hoge-Foster tandem, Morten Anderson is called upon to kick the first meaningful field goal of his career.

Pittsburgh leads 17-10

The final 47 seconds of the game end in a haze of sacks by men like Hardy Nickerson and blitzes that force Lorenzo White and Warren Moon to long for their silk-sheeted rotating love nests. The pretty boys from Houston make it exciting in the last 19 seconds when, on a 4th-down play and needing 24 yards, Moon launches a pass to Haywood Jeffires that is caught at the 6-yard line. With no time remaining, Jeffires tries his best to find the end zone, but there's no outrunning Darren Perry when he knows his momma is watching.

Final Score: Steelers 17, Oilers 10


And so Pittsburgh catches the eyes of the nation with their dramatic win over defending champion Houston Oilers. In the process, they take charge over the AFC Central and put notice on the rest of the teams expecting to end Houston's never-ending dominance over the Bible Belt. While there were hardly any glimpses of a championship team in Pittsburgh, they did show that they may be ready to play with the big boys, and once they pass a few more similar tests we may all be rubbing soot on our faces in a solemn show of solidarity.

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Game Two
San Francisco (0-0) vs. New York Giants (0-0)

Something tells us we've been here before. And like most things seen or tasted multiple times, staleness tends to set in. However, this time the scenarios are a little different. We featured this match-up twice last year, the first was an early-season battle and the second a playoff rout, both won by the 49ers. We're inclined to believe this year won't be any different, but with two such high caliber teams already battling for bragging rights, it's hard to ignore the implications of what a win for either team might mean. For San Francisco, it's another chance to relish in their ridiculous talent, while for New York it's a way to silence their critics of both their football ability and Jeff Hostetler's fashion sense. Let's dig in.

Quarter One
One way to start the season would be to storm down the field and score in quick, impressive fashion. Another way would be to have one of your best players go down to an injury while returning the ball. Dave Meggett did his best in valiantly crossing over into San Francisco territory, but he paid dearly with either a concussion or another injury that makes one's skin color drastically change. And in this case, his replacement, first-round pick Jarrod Bunch, literally adds insult to injury with two impressive 20-yard runs that result in a Hostetler-Mark Ingram connection and the Giants strike hard and fast.

New York leads 7-0

The 49ers' offense enters the field with big questions to answer, now led by BYU darling Steve Young at quarterback and a running game headquartered by rookie Ricky Watters and child stealer Tom Rathman. Their first drive is heavy on the latter, with Watters and Rathman teaming up for the first seven plays. When Young finally does take to the air, it's incomplete, and all that San Francisco's accomplished in the first quarter is a way to keep Tom Rathman from re-entering civilization.

Quarter Two
Fellow first-rounder Rodney Hampton is entrusted to emulate his rushing partner, but when he's called upon to assist Jeff Hostetler in the always-intelligent flea flicker, he marks the early stages of the Rodney Hampton experiment a failure when he tosses it to nobody but a sea of red and gold. The 49ers immediately pounce on the mistake when they appease the Rathman once more and allow him to carry it in from 6 yards out.

Score tied 7-7

Jarrod Bunch continues to impress with world-beating runs, one of which includes a tackle-breaking and wet-panty-making 35 yard burst. On the very next play, the Mustachioed Maestro answers the eight-year old question of 'Who's the Boss?' with a 47-yard bomb to Ed Mcaffrey for the Giants' second touchdown.

New York leads 14-7

The 49ers' next drive includes more disappointment in the face of Steve Young, who's a lackluster 2-for-8, and with the Giants now focusing on Rathman, the 49ers have effectively been morphed into a non-dimensional offense. Unfortunately for New York, the Jarrod Bunch enigma continues to become more entangled when, after another 20+ yard scamper, he is caught behind the line and coughs up the ball. With time low on the clock, San Francisco sends out Choking Cofer who somehow banks in a 51-yarder despite his best efforts not to.

New York leads 14-10

Halftime - Giants 14, 49ers 10

Quarter Three
The second half of this classic clash begins with a kick return to midfield from Marc Logan. The 49ers begin their classic heart-stabbing comeback trail behind Ricky Watters' glorious 50-yard run for the first touchdown of what should be many in his Tecmo career.

San Francisco leads 17-14

Things do not continue to go swimmingly for the Giants of New York, with Bunch unable to find room to run and Jeff Hostetler throwing the first interception of what should be many in his Tecmo career. Steve Young is finding his rhythm on the next drive when, facing a 3rd and 13 situation, he steps out of some pressure to find Brent Jones up the middle. Jones gains 37 yards after the catch, but the next three plays are destroyed by New York and Cofer is back on to vulture some more points.

San Francisco leads 20-14

The Giants continue to implode as the third quarter draws to a close, allowing a Pierce Holt sack and giving Bunch no escape from the rush of red that engulfs him. Though, while the third quarter ends with a whimper...

Quarter Four
The fourth begins with the Giants attempting a 4th down conversion with 18 yards needed and on their own 32-yard line. The flea flicker attempt to Mcaffrey is wildly incomplete. We know it's the 49ers, fellas, but come on. At least go with the more successful, yet criminally underrated, blocked field goal/scoop up and run by genetic freak Matt Bahr play. The 49ers continue their boring-to-tears campaign with another forgettable drive leading to a terribly bland third field goal from Mike Cofer, and suddenly we're finding ourselves with a queer feeling of nostalgia for the Montana days of yore.

San Francisco leads 23-14

I only realized this game ended when I was finished watching my computer defragment itself. What I apparently missed: another miracle flea flicker failure from Hostetler, a Ricky Watters fumble, and the endless unanswered screaming echoes of thousands of crowd members stuck in Giants-49ers eternally-repeating purgatory.

Final Score: 49ers 23, Giants 14

What did we learn today, class? The 49ers still have the Giants' number, though this time around that number isn't as desirable. While we weren't expecting to be riding the edge of our seats over here at the Tecmo Bowl, we certainly thought the third-recorded Giants/Niners matchup would be one worthy of bookending our first weekend of Tecmo, '92. Unfortunately we should have stuck with burying this snoozer beneath the rug and letting the Steelers have their lone spot in the winner's circle, but we still have the benefit of a long season with much left to occur. We may see either of these teams again in one of our featured games, or we may not. Yet one thing remains certain: I will never be satisfied wasting what should be quality time with my insect collection writing about either of these squads.

Week One: Release the Robots

Week One of the NFL season is here, which means our 8-bit friends fighting the Tecmo Ragnarok are about to be released for another year of exciting emulation. We've had training camp and preseason. We've had 6 months of the NFL Network announcers doing Kegel exercises during broadcasts. Week One is here, and while not much can be deciphered other than the fact that the Phoenix Cardinals are still a team, it's okay to be excited about meaningless games again. After all, every day without the Fox Football Robots is another day in Jack Trudeau's hairless hell.

1:00 Games

Buffalo (0-0) * L.A. Rams (0-0)

Sunday football opens with this classic rivalry between the Bills and Rams. Two playoff teams a year ago, they meet under different circumstances here as the Bills proceed to stomp a Bruce Smith-sized mudhole in the Rams' chance for a repeat divisional title. Thurman Thomas ran a svelte 120 yards on just 12 carries, and Buffalo outdid Los Angeles 17 to 7 on first down output. Meanwhile, Jim Everett's surprisingly underwhelming 112 yards may have been more due to the new spectre of Mike Pagel over his shoulder than the Buffalo defense.

Final Score: Bills 35, Rams 10

Dallas (0-0) * Washington (0-0)

We picked America's team to return to prominence this season, and to get started they'll face the reigning NFC Champions in the Washington Redskins. The men from the nation's capitol stood fast in the face of Dallas' cocky confidence, beating the Cowboys in every aspect of the game. Emmitt Smith was held to 53 yards rushing, while captain Troy Aikman was under 50% accurate, tossing just 160 yards and a pick. There's a lot of work to be done in Dallas if they're to live up to the hype. Meanwhile, some work is to be done in D.C. as well, where Mark Rypien is still trying to find his way home because no one has the heart to tell him his car is still in 'park'.

Final Score: Redskins 21, Cowboys 13

Cincinnati (0-0) * Seattle (0-0)

Ickey Who? Harold Green comes in and runs up 92 yards on 9 carries in his spotlight moment as the Bengals' primary rusher. Two AFC postseason card-carriers from last year, the Seahawks and Bengals met in this torrid affair that saw no small amount of Stan Gelbaugh causing his coaches to sign over their first-borns for him to complete a pass. Boomer was slightly more efficient, connecting 87% of his passes. Though he only threw 166 yards, that's all he needed with Harold Green eating up 4 touchdowns (3 rushing, 1 receiving). We said Cincinnati had dim hopes of donning the glass slipper again this year; now we realize it'll be because Harold Green crushed it.

Final Score: Bengals 34, Seahawks 16

Indianapolis (0-0) * Cleveland (0-0)

Two teams nobody has ever mistook for postseason card-carriers, the Colts and Browns meet in an AFC dust-off to settle the score of who wants to score the least. Cleveland wins the battle in this regard, helped by the fact that their main rusher and spokesman for semi tractors, Kevin Mack, went out as the season's first casualty. Anthony Johnson does his best Albert Bentley impression with a workmanlike 93 yards on 9 carries, helping Indianapolis score late for the win. Meanwhile, Mike Tomczak didn't win over any Kosar fans with his 148 yards and a pick.

Final Score: Colts 17, Browns 14

Chicago (0-0) * Detroit (0-0)

The first battle of the black and blue division takes place between the Bears and Lions, two teams that finished out of the playoffs last year (though to the Lions credit, they're the Lions). Chicago cut first, winning behind Jim Harbaugh's stellar 261 yards passing and no picks. Veteran Wendell Davis brought in 149 of those yards, while Chicago's defense rounded out the effort by holding Barry Sanders to 55 yards on 13 attempts. What really aided the effort, however, was most likely in the first quarter when John Roper told Rodney Peete that he crushed kitten skulls with walnut crackers for fun.

Final Score: Bears 35, Lions 21

Minnesota (0-0) * Green Bay (0-0)

The NFC Central melee continues with the two playoff representatives from last year, the Vikings and Packers. While both are sporting new-look offenses from last year, nobody will argue that they're set to break any records. Brett Favre made his Packers debut with 158 yards tossing and 3 picks, while Rich Gannon held himself in check with only 5 completions. The two teams combined for 64 yards receiving and 146 on the ground, leading us to believe that most of the Vikings' 27 points came from their always-confident decision to give up their next 10 picks in the draft. 

Final Score: Vikings 27, Packers 7

4:00 Games

Kansas City (0-0) * San Diego (0-0)

Things get wild in the west with this early-season divisional battle. The Chargers played with the Chiefs the entire game, before finally pulling away with a late field goal to win. Many questioned Marion Butts' diminished role in San Diego's offense, but Rod Bernstine silenced critics with 98 of the Chargers' 163 yards. Stan Humphries was quiet in his new home, with only 138 yards, but Dave Krieg appears to have thrived in his new environment, tossing up 219 yards and 2 touchdowns. Of course, no amount of scenery changes can change the fact that Dave Krieg only knows how to lose. 

Final Score: Chargers 24, Chiefs 21

Denver (0-0) * L.A. Raiders (0-0)

The Broncos won the division last year on the backs of harder-working teams, like the Raiders, underachieving. Luckily for them, this year they don't have the talent to keep them in the race. Though some would say John Elway is talented, it can be argued it's for his ability to overshadow his team's gag-worthy 43 yards total rushing with a coming-out-both-ends-worthy 4 picks on 174 yards passing. Eric Dickerson did his best Bo impression with 10 rushes for 87 yards, but it could have been his 72 yards receiving on just 2 catches that caused Bo's plane ticket to mysteriously become "lost" in Kansas City.

Final Score: Raiders 31, Broncos 10

Atlanta (0-0) * N.Y. Jets (0-0)

Blair Thomas goes out for the second Tecmo injury of the year, though the only people who noticed were the doctors crushed beneath his hulking mass as they carried him off the field. Brad Baxter rose to the occasion, rushing for 96 yards on 10 carries and catching 2 balls for 66 yards. Despite his heroics, the Falcons come out the victors. And though the reasons differ as to why Ken O.Brien was hardly seen, we believe being buried beneath 7 combined Atlanta sacks had something to do with his mysterious absence.

Final Score: Falcons 21, Jets 14

Tampa Bay (0-0) * Phoenix (0-0)

Reggie Cobb completes the injury ward trifecta in this explosive end to Sunday's slate of games. Not much can be exciting about a combined 123 rushing yards and an interception contest between Chris Chandler and Vinny Testaverde, but we would be lying if we said we didn't want to see the Bucs score 10 points in the 4th quarter to keep Phoenix on pace for 0 wins this year. Though with Tampa Bay's offense, it's more likely those 10 points were scored thusly: safety, field goal, safety, missed field goal, missed field goal, field goal. 

Final Score: Buccaneers 17, Cardinals 16

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Join us tomorrow for a Monday Night Football Tecmo Bowl double-header, with cheese! The early game gets going with an AFC Central showdown between Tecmo Bowl Champion Oilers and this year's sexy pick in the Pittsburgh Steelers. There won't be much time to catch your breath before San Francisco and the New York Football Giants meet in their annual match-up of who the hell cares?

The Tecmo Bowl: 1992 Preseason Analysis

Well, somehow it's Labor Day again, and what better way to pay tribute to those past generations of hard laborers fighting for basic human rights than to carry on our (so far one-year) tradition of analyzing and predicting the complete and utter randomness that is the Tecmo Super Bowl ROM. As I sit here in my 'Bo Knows Tecmo' t-shirt, I've had a chance to reflect on an entire year of Tecmo and how it's changed my life. I've met many wonderful people, attended my first Madison Tecmo Tournament, and pushed my marriage into the seven-year itch about four years early. It's been a while since we even visited the site here at The Tecmo Bowl, and for all we knew it'd been hacked and taken over by some Russian syndicate. Luckily, we found it still standing, and only needing a slight dust and polish to get it ready for another year of Tecmo.

This whole thing almost didn't happen, as the September-January commitment last year proved to be unexpectedly exhausting and soul-crushing. But yours truly heard the disquieted rumblings from the legions of its underground cult following (the entire three of you), and decided to fork up the cash to host the site for one more year (donations welcomed, but not required...). Of course, it would be blasphemy to re-do the entire 1991 Tecmo season again, after all the hard work put into the season by me...and I guess the teams, too. Luckily, our friends over at the Tecmo Repository have done the hours upon hours of legwork on our behalf to round up the hundreds of expertly hacked Tecmo ROMs. In return, we would like to thank them and their legions of followers by hounding you to read our game-by-game recaps of the 1992 version of Tecmo Super Bowl.

The original Tecmo Super Bowl has been lauded as one of the best sporting video games of over 30+ years of video game existence. Check around the world wide web and you'll see how many times it's ranked over sporting video games of the modern day. Most of this is due to its groundbreaking concept of using real rosters and player attributes. Of course, discordant ties with the Japanese led to beautiful glitches that brought fame to otherwise unknown players, but that's what made the game special. The hard work put into these updated roster hacks is no different, and our wonderful lawbreakers should be acknowledged and celebrated for making sure our newest season of The Tecmo Bowl will run as smooth as Richard Dent's silk boxers.

And so, with no further ado, we present to you our computer-tested and generated analyses of the most anticipated event in this year's NFL season: The 1992 Tecmo Bowl.

AFC East
Last year we saw Miami and Buffalo duke it out for the top spot in the AFC East; this season should be no different. Though this year, we think Miami has the right pieces to dethrone the reigning champs and enter the playoffs as the number one seed. While the Bills have most of their explosive offense still in tact, the 'Phins took advantage of their two first-round draft picks to beef up their defense with Troy Vincent and Marco Coleman, while also swiping Bobby Humphrey from the Broncos. The Colts had the first two picks in the draft and also used them to shore up a porous defense, but the loss of Albert Bentley along with the remaining existence of Jeff George has these Colts finishing in the middle of the pack again. Ken O.Brien's holdout in the offseason will have the Jets stumbling out of the gate as soon as it opens, while the Millen-for-Grogan swap in New England, plus the losses of Mr. Allen and Mr. Dykes will stall the Patriots in their quest for not-last-place.

AFC Central
Houston will most definitely repeat for another division crown, despite letting last year's Tecmo Bowl MVP Drew Hill walk to Atlanta. Meanwhile, it appears Cincinnati will forgo the momentum of last year by letting superstars James Brooks and Ickey Woods depart and bring in sub-par replacements Harold Green and Derrick Fenner. Even with a draft of top-prospect Carl Pickens, the Bengals appear to be in full-rebuild mode, especially by drafting quarterback David Klinger despite Boomer still riding high on last year's heroics. This means the new darlings of the AFC Central, the Pittsburgh Steelers, are ready to take the limelight under new head coach Bill Cowher, whose first order of business was to run Bubby Brister out of his starting job in favor of Neil "The Real Deal" O'Donnell. Also, with most of the steel curtain defense returning, the Steelers should be in prime position for a wild card spot. Oh yeah, and the Cleveland Browns signed Mark Bavaro, I guess.

AFC West
The ol' AFC West remains the wildest of the bunch, and our expert analysis here at The Tecmo Bowl believes a record of no more than 10 wins should seal the deal for the division champion. This time around on the carousel, we have San Diego claiming the prize with the addition of last year's Cinderella Man, Stan Humphries. They'll take it over last year's champs, the Denver Broncos, who chose quarterback Tommy Maddox in the draft over a replacement running back for the departing Bobby Humphrey. Some wonder if the Chiefs improved by stealing away Dave Krieg from the Seahawks, but with Okoye slowly losing effectiveness they’re on shaky ground. Meanwhile, the Raiders replaced the best running back in the game with Eric Dickerson, who was the best running back in the game 8 years ago, and the Seahawks will be running a quarterback platoon after the departure of Krieg, though we don't think they'll strike any fear into any standing armies anytime soon.


Playoffs
Bills def. Broncos
Steelers def. Chargers

Dolphins def. Bills
Steelers def. Oilers

Dolphins def. Steelers

NFC East
The Redskins surprised many last year with a de-facto divisional title win over the Eagles, but this year we envision Philadelphia taking the division. With their pick-up of Herschel Walker, along with Randall Cunningham emerging from the shadows, we think they've got the best shot. Dallas is an emerging powerhouse, with Aikman, Smith and Irvin reaching football puberty, yet it will be their much-improved defense that gets them into the playoffs. Though Washington took Desmond Howard in the draft to expand on their dynamic receiving corps, the improvements in the rest of the division will make it hard for them to repeat. The Giants will stumble with their new-look offense behind Jeff Hostetler and Rodney Hampton in the backfield. And though the Cardinals now have a double-headed Johnny Monster with the addition of Johnny Bailey, the fact that they're starting Chris Chandler all but forfeits the chance of matching their overachieving 3-win season.

NFC Central

As the majority of the NFC Central enters rebuilding mode, the Vikings will once again take advantage with the addition of solid back Roger Craig to replace the departing Herschel Walker. The growing pains of a new coach in Dennis Green and starters in Cris Carter and Rich Gannon will keep them from rolling of a similarly impressive win streak, however. Chicago and Green Bay will once again duke it out for a chance to be a wild card representative from the division, with the Packers coming out slightly ahead after hitting the restart button with new coach Mike Holmgren and quarterback Brett Favre (we think it's pronounced Fav-ray). Though the Bob Nelson-less factor will hurt their chances for a playoff spot, they'll finish ahead of the Bears, who are struggling to find themselves due to coach Mike Ditka losing his smile. The Buccaneers will improve slightly under the proactive pick of Courtney Hawkins and new coach Sam Wyche leading the way, while Detroit will reward themselves with 3 wins after having the fewest picks in the draft, one of which was used on a kicker.

NFC West
San Francisco will rely on former Buccaneers backup Steve Young to lead them to vengeance over the Rams this season. The 49ers will prove to be a powerhouse again with their offensive weaponry and stout defense, easily taking the West this time around. Even with a questionable draft strategy (picking up low-end prospect and future Precision Hose, Inc. superstar Vaughn Dunbar) and starter Bobby Hebert shrouded in mystery, the Saints will squeak in as the annual ‘surprise’ wild card team. Elsewhere in the West, Wade Wilson was brought in to back up quarterback Chris Miller. We’re not sure how else to convince you that the Falcons will be terrible. And the darlings of the last few weeks of the Tecmo season last year, the Los Angeles Rams will return with Chris..er..Jim Everett at the helm, along with Cleveland Gary and Flipper Anderson. But asking them to play keep up with the 49ers or Cowboys with their cringe-worthy defense will be prove to be a daunting task.


Playoffs
Cowboys def. Redskins
Vikings def. Saints

Cowboys def. 49ers
Eagles def. Vikings

Cowboys def. Eagles

Pittsburgh will fight valiantly, but we think the upstart team of the year will be Dallas, as they represent the NFC in the Tecmo Bowl against the veteran Miami Dolphins squad. Who will come out on top? These type of questions can never be answered with much confidence when it comes to a game as random and aggravating as Tecmo, but no matter who the champion is (Dallas), we all come out winners if we can somehow make it through another one of these seasons.

Preview for Next Week: Your fantasy rosters are set, and your DVRs are ready to record 18 hours of football this week. And now, to complete the man-grunting trifecta, we are finally prepared to bring you Week One of the 1992 The Tecmo Bowl Season. Playoff contenders Philadelphia will open the season Thursday night in the City of Hoby Brenner love against the Saints, while AFC's David in Pittsburgh clashes with Warren 'Goliath' Moon in Houston on Sunday night to close the first full exciting day of Tecmo football. Monday night will showcase the most anticipated game since the schedule was announced a few minutes ago as San Francisco battles New York in a rematch of the lopsided 38-0 Wild Card Weekend affair. With the Giants looking to avenge their knockout blow from last year, Coach Ray Handley's questionable choice of putting a mustache in to anchor his team will either be met with residual applause or thunderous and overwhelming hatred of the New York faithful.

We had a thoughtful and introspective question to ask here, but somehow forgot in in the midst of finding ways to hype a 20 year old computer-simulated Nintendo game. So we'll just go with the standard:

Are you ready for some TECMO?

The Tecmo Bowl: Houston vs Washington

Well, we've come to it, our 63rd post. Otherwise known as the biggest game of this blog's life, The Tecmo Bowl. It's unseasonably warm in Minneapolis, so much so that Mark Rypien was seen out at the Brass Rail the night before the game in nothing but his daughter's Lingerie Football League uniform. Strangely enough, he's been listed as unavailable to play tonight, which means this is officially Stan Humphries' game to do with as he pleases. After not playing all season, he leads his team into a rare Tecmo Championship game against a very powerful, very intimidating, yet very fallible Houston Oilers team. The Redskins were ranked number one against the pass, which is Warren Moon's forte, a defense they used to their full advantage against Joe Montana and the San Francisco 49ers to get them to this spot. Houston, meanwhile, is looking to wrap up a very successful season, something they haven't done since Dwight Eisenhower was still in office and Dick Clark could utter an intelligible sentence.

For the reading-impaired, you can check out the Tecmo Bowl: Highlights episode HERE. Unfortunately, Steve Sabol was unavailable for commentary, and the introduction filmed by Boomer Esiason had to be cut for time and internet etiquette reasons.

The Tecmo Bowl

Quarter One
The Redskins win the toss, but the crowd wouldn't know until the kick-off due to the questionable P.A. system inside the Metrodome. By the time the cloud of confusion is settled, Stan Humphries' is nervously overthrowing Earnest Byner by about 10 yards. He gathers himself on the next play, and throws a perfect, Humphries-trademarked laser to Gary Clark at the Houston 40-yard line. Clark, known more for his nimble running than his sure-handedness, makes the most of his new opportunity by trucking it all the way down to the 11-yard line. One play later, and Humphries is bathing in the lights and shouts of 100,000 new believers after his 11-yard run for a touchdown.

Washington leads 7-0

Gerald McNeil fails to get his team jump-started when his shoelace is grabbed at his own 7-yard line. Warren Moon dangerously comes out in a shotgun formation, standing in the sky blue grass of his own end zone, but it's snapped directly to Lorenzo White instead, who bumbles for 4 yards. Meanwhile, there's about a half million angry bettors in Vegas that picked a pass play to open the first Oilers' drive that will hope to make it back on their bet that a Budweiser commercial opens the first break. On the next play, Moon drops back into a more familiar position, and finds a wide open Drew Hill at the Washington 45-yard line. Tracy Rocker rocks Moon's world on the next snap, but Moon suavely finds Curtis Duncan in coverage at the Redskins' 19-yard line. One more toss to Drew Hill is all that separates Houston's players from a certain lap dance from some Minneapolis townies at halftime.

Score tied 7-7

Stan's face, meet Stan's ass crack

Brian Mitchell puts on a returning clinic when he punishes Tony Zendejas' poor kick with a return into Oilers' territory. Humphries, still high on his last touchdown and a some good ol'-fashioned Metrodome helium, fumbles the ball over to Sean Jones, who's finally brought down at the Washington 20-yard line.

The Oilers start a second consecutive drive with Lorenzo for 7 yards. Warren Moon sets for another sure touchdown pass to one of his thirteen offensive weapons, but the famous Redskins' secondary rises from the ashes, and Martin Mayhew immortalizes himself in Tecmo lore with a huge pick in the end zone.

Quarter Two
Stan's still playing fidgety football, with another overthrow of a wide open Byner on first down. Earnest takes the ball on second down for 4 yards, but is scared stupid by the speed of Stan on third and 6 as he busts it out for 19 yards to the Washington 43-yard line. The Gary Clark reverse makes its first appearance, breaking its own record for latest appearance. Clark gets the 10 yards needed for a first down to keep the drive alive, but can't pull in a long ball on the next play. Humphries drops back once more, throwing it to Art Monk for the first time in the game, when the 17th-ranked defense bears its teeth and Richard Johnson matches Washington pick-for-pick at his own 32-yard line.

The Houston strategy of giving it to White on the first play continues, with a meager 3-yard run. It's enough to lull the Redskins' defense into a false sense of security, as it was only a matter of time before Moon found Hill again for their second touchdown hook-up and fifth illicitly shared object of the day.

Houston leads 14-7

The difference not being a Cleveland Brown makes

Mitchell is downed at his own 37-yard line with two minutes remaining. Byner is entrusted with two consecutive runs that net 17 yards and gets the Redskins into opponents' territory. He tricks Houston in a play action, leaving the unassuming tight end and darling of San Diego State University, Don Warren, open for his first reception of the day. He wheelbarrows it for 20 yards, and adds a few more with a second consecutive reception to the Houston 5-yard line with 40 seconds left. Byner closes out the drive the way he began with a burst up the middle that knots this one up just 20 seconds before the half.

Score tied 14-14

Unfortunately, 20 seconds may still be too much time for Moon and Co., and that's made all too clear with a wide open Drew Hill streaking down the sideline for a potential third touchdown in the half. Sadly, the ball is uncharacteristically overthrown and rolls harmlessly toward the Minnesota Vikings trophy case, jarring the heavy dust and cobwebs loose.

Halftime - Oilers 14, Redskins 14

Quarter Three
Lohmiller kicks it off his heel which leads to a decent Gerald McNeil return to the Washington 43-yard line. From the gun, Moon clinically slices open the Washington secondary with a pass to Ernest Givins for 27 yards, but requires some quick surgery of his own on the sideline after a determined Andre Collins disembowels him. Luckily, his line gives him all day on the next play, and he finds Givins again for a 15-yard gain. His receivers elude him on the next three plays, however, and Zendejas is out for what has become a very important 3 points. It appears his nerves and the fact that someone opened a door to the dome pulled his kick right, however, when the ball bounces backward off the upright.

May there one day be a Nobel scientist that accurately predicts the effects
of decompression on field goal kicks to keep this from ever occurring again

The Redskins' next drive begins with a very telling omen for Houston's defense, when Gary Clark fools them with another reverse, this time for 30 yards. Byner pulls in a pass up the middle that makes Humphries appear to be playing at Hostetler-esque levels when it comes to Championship games, and moves it to the Oilers' 14-yard line. Ricky Sanders brings the offense 6 yards closer with a short slant pass, giving Byner just enough room for his second touchdown of the game.

Washington leads 21-14

The Oilers are looking to answer the third lead change in three quarters, but have to contend with a powerful Lohmiller kick that pins them at their own 7-yard line. Washington drops back about 8 men to cover, but nobody sees the lithe Curtis Duncan, who yanks in a 35-yard completion. Lorenzo gets his one rush-per-drive for 1 yard, and Moon goes back to his chosen receiver for this round, Duncan, for another 10 yard pass to convert the first down. The quarter tumbles to a close, however, with a pass block at the line of scrimmage and an ill-fated White run for 2 yards.

Some men are merely players, while other men
are named Drew Hill

Quarter Four
On 3rd-and-8, Moon's pass is waved out of bounds by a diving Givins, and now they face a fourth down at midfield. Zendejas is told to sit down and re-lace the ball-boy's shoes on the bench while Moon calls a pivotal 4th-and-8 play. And who else would he go to on the biggest play of the game, but the man for which, like a Zen proverb, there is no answer: Drew Hill. He leaps in the corner of the end zone for the potential tying score, putting it back on Stan Humphries to try and become the most popular man in Washington since its namesake graced its plantations.

Score tied 21-21

Taken just 3 minutes before the inevitable score

Mitchell puts the starting line at the Washington 21-yard line, from which Byner slings a positive run for 10 yards. Not satisfied, the Washington coaching staff goes back to the tried-and-true Clark reverse, who fulfills the prophecy laid out by the gods of anti-credibility in football with a tackle-dodging 12-yard run to the Redskins' 45-yard line. Byner takes two straight runs up the middle for a total of 22 yards, understandably leading to some confusion that causes Washington to call an ill-advised time out with over two minutes on the clock. They take this important Domino's pizza break to call two straight Clark reverses, one that goes for 15 yards, and the other that completes the final 19 yards to the end zone that not only causes the Metrodome roof to reach hymen-like bursting levels, but also causes every coach who ever lived to roll around in their current and/or future graves.

Washington leads 28-21

Two minutes remain for Warren Moon, which, unfortunately for the Redskins, is time enough for him to defraud his taxes, let alone drive his team to a tying score. It doesn't look promising to start, however, with an incomplete pass followed by a short run from Lorenzo White. Facing pressure on third down, he threads it to Duncan for a gain of 32 yards to the Redskins' 22-yard line. With under a minute remaining, Moon's first pass to Haywood Jeffries sails over his head, nearly knocking over the memorial display set up for Kirby Puckett's right eye.

With 26 seconds left, the Oilers go for a possible fake-out with a Lorenzo White run up the middle that nets just 6 yards.

On 3rd-and-4 with 13 seconds remaining, the Redskins hurl their entire defense at Moon, causing an errant pass to Duncan that winds up knocking over that weird jug of milk balloon by the visiting team's tunnel.

And so, it's come to this: 4th down, with just 4 seconds remaining and 16 yards to keep the season alive. Moon drops back, his receivers spread like a venereal disease, but his go-to guys are all covered...no Duncan, no Givins, and no Hill. So what does he do? He gives a man named Haywood Jeffries a chance to immortalize himself in a game that couldn't even spell his last name right.

Give me a J! E! F! F!...R?, no, I...wait...R?...err

And although no seconds remain, one man still does: Mr. Jeff(r)i(r)es. Houston lives on to fight after Zendejas nails down his most important extra point of the year, and just to appease all of you and torture myself, this season will continue to sudden death overtime.

Score tied 28-28
 
OVERTIME
With the winner of this coin toss inevitably given the best chance to win at this point, Houston uses their 85 combined years of gambling experience to correctly guess the call and take the kick.

But Washington didn't come all the way to Minnesota without packing their balls, and the overtime period starts with what else? SURPRISE ONSIDE!

Damn Chippy

The experiment fails wildly, but the Redskins' chalk up a few dignity points irregardless. Still, one must ask why they wouldn't trust their league-leading pass defense against Warren Moon in overtime with a championship on the line...

...Luckily, Professor Moon is there to answer that question with the longest, quietest 48-yard lob in Washington Redskins' history. And who else but Drew Hill is there on the other end to certify his lifetime no-fly status inevitably being drawn up in the nation's capital as we speak.

Final Score: Oilers 34, Redskins 28 (OT)

The Oilers only led twice in this game, but it certainly felt like they had the contest by the throat with the way Moon tore up the carbonated Metrodome air. Drew Hill, who caught 13 scores all year from Moon, pulled in four of the five touchdowns to defy all of his detractors, more aptly known as his coaches. Hill was a man possessed, cementing a legacy that includes a 12th-round draft pick, and making the best pass defense in the NFL look like a team of potato sack racers in the Special Olympics. Stan Humphries, hero of the NFC Divisional playoffs, still put on a show and may wind up forcing Mark Rypien to play for his job next year. Although he didn't throw for a score, his legs led to a few important conversions and their first lead of the game, and should keep him from hanging his head until his future concussion-prone style of play has him watching his drool collect in puddles at his feet. Although Washington enamored us with their heart, Houston played the best football this year, ultimately proving it in the final game of this magical season.

The adventure doesn't end here...
Stay tuned...