Week Twelve: Troy's Turkeys and Peete's Potatoes

The Thanksgiving holiday has come and gone, and now most of us are lying on our couches with full stomachs and empty pockets. You may have spent three month's salary during Black Friday, but we're here to offer you some twenty-year old football free of charge. Today you'll see some recaps of the classic Thanksgiving throwdowns involving Detroit and Dallas, alongside today's current lineup of superstars mushing eachother's brains for your enjoyment. So grab a plate of microwaved stuffing and potatoes and let us guide you through the final turn on your holiday weekend of food, football and finding new ways to finance your child's college education.

Game One
Cincinnati (5-5) at Detroit (2-8)

The Bengals have picked up their britches after giving up five straight losses, pulling themselves back to .500 and now drawing the Detroit Lions en route to a pretty decent shot at finding some air in the AFC Central. The Lions have played considerably better than last season, but have yet to find any answers to getting their own record to reflect that. One factor may be the dramatic fall of Barry Sanders from being a rushing threat, putting all the pressure on a man named Peete: Rodney Peete, that is. Rodney's done his best to keep his team in close games, but Barry will need to get back on track against one of the league's worst rush defenses to give the Lions some teeth again.

Quarter One
Harold Green's fall from grace had never been more apparent than in Cincinnati's first drive, which featured him running twice into his own linemen and fumbling the ball over to Ray Crockett on third down. Detroit faced their own struggles over the first two plays, with Peete unable to find open men. Unfortunately, Cincinnati must have recorded the part of the tape where Barry Sanders makes catches out of the backfield with coverage of the Fish Toss at Fountain Square, as they totally left him wide open to bring Peete's pass to paydirt on third down.

Detroit leads 7-0

The Lions blitzed Boomer on three straight plays, but only managed to fluster him for two when he found Green open on 3rd and long to set up a fresh set of downs. Green bailed the Bengals out again on another third down situation with a long run into the red zone. With the targets set to Green, Esiason finally got some breathing room and found a sliding Tim McGee just across the end zone for a game-tying score.

Score tied 7-7

Quarter Two
Like your Grandmother and her classically-trained turkey carving, Peete sliced and diced his way past the Cincinnati secondary, leading to a needled pass to Brent Perriman at the 15-yard line. Peete took it on his own over the next two plays, falling a yard short on third down to set up a crucial call by head coach Wayne Fontes on 4th-and-goal. Emboldened perhaps by their negative win-to-loss ratio, the Lions went for broke on 4th down, leading to a somewhat rare incompletion by Peete in the end zone.

Harold Green was called on once more to get his team as far away from the inch line as possible, successfully moving his team forward until Esiason's flea flicker attempt was picked off. With just under a minute remaining in the quarter, the Lions finish what they started earlier with a Peete-to-Herman Moore touchdown connection of 55 yards.

Detroit leads 14-7

Halftime - Lions 14, Bengals 7

Quarter Three
As it has all year, Detroit's new-look rushing attack featured Rodney Peete taking the ball on a few bootlegs to get the Lions in scoring territory. However, in a more traditional fashion, Peete went to the air to attack the porous Bengals' back four and find Herman Moore once again for their second touchdown and Peete's third of the day.

Detroit leads 21-7

Lions' rookie cornerback and future XFL star for the Los Angeles Outlaws, Kevin Scott, intercepted Boomer's first pass of the drive to cut their comeback campaign a bit short. With a more comfortable lead, the Lions finally put Barry's feet on the turf with Peete's first pitch to the explosive back going for 25 yards. The formula was put back on the shelf, however, with Peete lacing it once more to another reciever, tight end Jimmie Johnson, for another 30+ passing touchdown.

Detroit leads 28-7

Time was running out on the Bengals who needed a big play to pull somewhat closer to Detroit, though with Esiason's arm in question they pulled off a trick play to power runner Derrick Fenner that was on its way to netting 30 yards before he fumbled it back over to Ray Crockett for the heart-stabbing turnover as the quarter expired.

Quarter Four
Even with Peete throwing for short gains, his receivers were still able to gather large amounts of ground, including a 10-yard pass to Perrima to start the quarter going for another 47. Sanders finally got his first score over the next two plays that saw him catching a short pass, along with a pitch, to show off his still-explosive speed for Detroit's first non-Peete involved touchdown of the day.

Detroit leads 35-7

Green's ground game was less than inspired over the next few plays of Cincinnati's possession, so Esiason opted to go to him through the air, successfully connecting with the former Trojan for the Bengals' second touchdown.

Detroit leads 35-14

Sanders picked up the fated onside kick and trampled his way to the Cincinnati 35-yard line, unable to burst past kicker Jim Breech. He was able to close off those remaining yards, however, with two runs to give him just his twelfth touchdown of the season, but his third on the day.

Detroit leads 42-14

With just 47 seconds remaining and the Bengals looking for something positive, they opted to show that they're still the best flea-flicking team in the league. The campaign took a few steps back, however, when Green tossed the ball back to a flattened Boomer and William White picked it up for Detroit to run out the clock on a rare Thanksgiving win.

Final Score: Lions 42, Bengals 14

The Lions laid a turducken-sized thumping on Cincinnati in a game the Bengals needed to win to keep up with the surging Houston and Pittsburgh teams in their division. Though it was just Detroit's third win of the season, it was a dominating one in their first time in the national spotlight this year. Rodney Peete's gunslinging still has him gunning for Comeback Player of the Year, and his growing corps of weapons can only be promising for the Lions future in spoiling other teams' quests for postseason play. This was perhaps the turning point in Cincinnati's once-promising season, exposing them as the turkeys they are. Rodney Peete and his four throwing touchdowns may have his hotel door getting a lot of knocks tonight, yet it was Barry Sanders' three scores and dominant second half that have him feasting on the spoils of a Turkey Day award in the early game.

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Game Two
Phoenix (1-9) at Dallas (6-4)

With Dallas heating up at the right time and the Cardinals playing perhaps their worst football since moving from Racine Street, we're only expecting another Thanksgiving Day stuffing with the high-powered Cowboys' offense trampling all over Phoenix. Of course, we'll still see the glimmers of hope with Chris Chandler throwing a similar 5-for-25 for 400 yards, though their one win during Monday Night may as well be the highlight of this rather dismal season that even we here at the Tecmo Bowl weren't jaded enough to predict.

Quarter One
The Cardinals moved backwards on their first drive, with a 7-yard sack being the only movement from the line of scrimmage. To add insult to even more insults being hurled at the league-worst Cardinals' defense, the usually complex-but-misguided Irvin reverse fooled Phoenix for a 58-yard gain. Daryl Johnston uncharacteristically ran in for Dallas' first score, only highlighting where this day was headed for the Cardinals.

Dallas leads 7-0

The Cowboys went up by two scores when Chandler found himself on the bottom of a Dallas dogpile, coughing the ball up to Charles Haley to run it in for a 40-yard score. The game was already a runaway with Troy and Emmitt not even showing up on the scoreboard yet.

Dallas leads 14-0

Phoenix's first positive amount of yardage comes just when the quarter headed towards its end, as Chandler crossed the midfield point with a 24-yard scamper. The next two plays, however, had a riled up Dallas defense coming down on Chandler with two straight blitzes to knock the Cardinals back to their own 32-yard line.

Quarter Two
With a change of scenery and Chris Chandler's arm fed a few more quarters, he lobbed up a desperation pass to Ricky Proehl near the Dallas 2-yard line. The jump ball was brought in by the soft hands of Clayton Holmes, however, who ran it back to the Dallas 11-yard line. Aikman completed what was surprisingly just his first pass of the game to Jay Novacek, though the usually dependable tight end out of Wyoming bobbled it over to safety Michael Zordich. With the Cardinals given a rare second chance, Chandler continued to build up an unfortunate rapport with cornerback Holmes as the rookie pulled in his second interception in as many passes from Chandler. Dallas' next drive burned Phoenix for their amateur play with Aikman picking apart the defense and unleashing Emmitt Smith for 40-something yards, capped off by a 14-yard reception to score a more traditional Dallas touchdown.

Dallas leads 21-0

Unable to find a way to break through the Cowboys' defense, Phoenix called a few trick plays, finally rewarded by a Ricky Proehl reverse that nets 50 yards. With time running under a minute until halftime, however, the Cardinals are forced to revert back to looking for the big play. Though Johnny Bailey found a hole for 22 yards to set up Phoenix for at least 3 points, Greg Davis and his balsa wood leg had the Cardinals banking off the left upright headed into halftime. However, with 15 seconds still left on the clock, Dallas proved that no amount of time is short enough for Emmitt Smith to run 78 yards to score.

Dallas leads 28-0

Halftime - Cowboys 28, Cardinals 0

Quarter Three
Kelvin Martin was taken out by the Cardinals on the opening kickoff. Though it doesn't limit the amount of attacks in Dallas' arsenal, it did prove their vulnerability and give Phoenix's defense some new wind to keep them from scoring on their first drive of the half. Unfortunately, they still had to run out their offense that, still suffering their personality disorder, went 3-and-out on the ensuing drive. The quarter ended as it began with Aikman cutting the Cardinals apart with a slow, methodical drive.

Quarter Four
After tacking on to his league-leading yards by getting his team to midfield, Emmitt Smith gave way to the capable arm of his quarterback as Aikman found Michael Irvin 40 yards away to get into threatening position once more. Opting to sit Smith on the next play, Aikman, perhaps to win a bet, ran a bootleg to score himself and put Dallas up by a very much insurmountable lead.

Dallas leads 35-0

After figuring out that Johnny Johnson wasn't actually on the injured reserves list, Chandler found his man at midfield and watched Johnson show off his legs to the Dallas 15-yard line. The two-headed Johnny attack returned, even if it was just for a short sweet, second, when Bailey ran up the middle untouched for Phoenix's obligatory score.

Dallas leads 35-7

The Cardinals surprised nobody with an onside kick, though Aikman did raise a few eyebrows in running it back to just outside the red zone. Johnston tried to get involved in a score once again, but the presence of a certain safety once again struck the fear of Zordich in Johnston, causing him to cough it up to the one bright spot in Phoenix's defense. Starting at their own 30 after the return, Chandler got his team down to the end zone with a 26-yard throw to Randal Hill, followed up by a pitch to Bailey in the face of a blitz that covered up the final 54 yards for Phoenix's second consecutive score.

Dallas leads 35-14

Smith picked up the onside kick this time, and followed it up with a 49-yard score to slide the icy knife into Phoenix's back and cement the Cowboys' dominant Thanksgiving win.

Dallas leads 42-14

After four touchdowns were scored in the last quarter alone, Bailey tried his best to make it a fifth with a long return that fell just short of a rare exciting touchdown for Phoenix.

Final Score: Cowboys 42, Cardinals 14

It was a game similar to its earlier match-up in score only, with the Cowboys hardly looking weak at all save for a few untimely turnovers. Though Emmitt Smith was once again the story for Dallas on offense, it was a tough defense that never let Chandler get going on one of his normally explosive attacks. Dallas was just .500 three weeks ago, but since then have won three in a row in what could conservatively be called dominating fashion to put the heat on Philadelphia and Washington in their division. Phoenix fell to a league-worst 10th loss, and now the only thing that can stop the bleeding in the southwest would be Freddie Joe Nunn strongbox-sized hemorrhage.

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With the headache of the holiday over, it's time to get back into the thick of the battle. There's some interesting match-ups today, setting up what's sure to be some hot races down the line. Week 12 generally represents the last gasp for a lot of teams, so let's do some cannonballs and see which teams will float to the surface, and which will sink while attached to the dead weight of Dave Krieg. Due to the heft of our Thanksgiving recaps, we'll present this week's games in abbreviated haiku form.

1:00 Games

Buffalo (5-5) * Atlanta (8-2)

Bills score late to win

Miller still wins the air game

Broussard is a bust

Final Score: Bills 28, Falcons 24

Kansas City (2-8) * Seattle (2-8)

Suck-fest in the West

Seattle has Krieg's number

Stan "Joe Cool" today

Final Score: Seahawks 20, Chiefs 14

Miami (6-3-1) * Houston (7-3)

Dolphins outlast Moon

Marino nearly perfect

Duncan one man show

Final Score: Dolphins 31, Oilers 24

San Diego (8-2) * Tampa Bay (4-6)

Chargers can't be beat

Vinny, more picks than catches

Bucs not in same league

Final Score: Chargers 17, Buccaneers 6

Minnesota (7-3) * Cleveland (5-5)

Vikings eke one out

Gannon strangely efficient

Browns losing ground fast

Final Score: Vikings 24, Browns 17

Green Bay (4-6) * Chicago (6-4)

Muster still the man

Bears win despite Harbaugh

Favre reeks of rookie

Final Score: Bears 24, Packers 10

Philadelphia (7-3) * New York Giants (3-7)

Walker fools New York

Eagles step out from Dallas

Hoss to change his name

Final Score: Eagles 35, Giants 14

4:00 Games

New Orleans (8-2) * Washington (6-4)

Hebert has off day

Heyward bails out with big game

Saints hang for ninth win

Final Score: Saints 17, Redskins 13

San Francisco (8-2) * Los Angeles Rams (4-6)

L.A. scores upset

Everett out-Youngs Steve Young

Rams still thorn in side

Final Score: Rams 34, 49ers 31

Pittsburgh (6-4) * Indianapolis (2-8)

Steelers remain hot

Foster over two hundred

Smells in Hoosier Dome

Final Score: Steelers 27, Colts 14

Los Angeles Raiders (5-5) * Denver (4-6)

Raiders take step back

Chargers send Denver champagne

Todd is no Elway

Final Score: Broncos 37, Raiders 14

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Tomorrow night will be bittersweet as we swing up to visit the New England Patriots in our last featured game of teams yet to be featured. From here, it'll be big games upon big games, suddenly meaning the possibility of my head no longer meeting my keyboard. But before we get ahead of ourselves, I'll have one more romantic weekend between my forehead and the space bar when Millen takes his team against the recently anemic New York Jets. The last time we saw Nagle and Co., they were mired in a tie in the biggest game of their season while Nagle floundered in the spotlight. He gets an immediate chance at redemption, and should come away with a few more supermodel phone numbers going up against a Patriots team that only have a defense because it's mandated by the league.One bright spot for New England includes their running back, Kevin Turner, who's recent one-man wrecking crew gimmick is peaking at just the right time for us to view this debacle.

Week Nine: Mesmerized by the Mane of Munoz

The sun has risen on our first November weekend of football, and the mood around the Tecmo Bowl offices has dropped off considerably. Things are about to pick up as we turn the page on the first half of the season. Some teams have fought out of holes to get back to a clean slate, while others have so much dust in their eyes they'll need absinthe to clear them. With a majority of the games consisting of divisional dust-ups, it's sure to get pretty hairy pretty quickly, and not just because Anthony Munoz is out there guiding Boomer's blind side. So let's stop splitting hairs, and start splitting craniums as we dive into Week Nine!

 

1:00 Games

Phoenix (0-7) * San Francisco (6-1) 

The Northern Cardinal is a mid-sized songbird with a body length of 21 centimeters (8.3 inches). It has a distinctive crest on the head and a mask on the face which is black in the male and gray in the female. The male is a vibrant red, while the female is a dull red-brown shade. The Northern Cardinal is mainly granivorous, but also feeds on insects and fruit. Sorry, we thought an ornithological study of the cardinal may have been more intriguing than the actual results of this football contest featuring the representative mascot of Phoenix's terrible football team.

Final Score: 49ers 41, Cardinals 21

Buffalo (3-4) * New England (1-6)

The bye week method works for the Bills, as they come storming out to stomp all over their divisional little brothers. Thurman Thomas gets back in the rushing title race with 9 carries for 109 yards to pick up Jim Kelly's continual slumping. Kevin Turner was resilient for his team, carrying the ball 19 times for 121 yards (along with another 32 receiving) but his performance was lost behind his horrible quarterback and defense. It appears New England is in hurry-up mode to snatch up that good looking guy out of Washington State.

Final Score: Bills 28, Patriots 10

New Orleans (6-1) * Tampa Bay (4-3)
Facing their first test outside of the division, the Buccaneers acquire a solid 'D' for their performance. Not for defense, as they allowed Bobby Hebert to add to his career-high numbers with 254 yards throwing. Not for dominance, though Reggie Cobb had a solid day with 93 yards rushing on 9 attempts. And certainly not for daring, as Vinny Testaverde played very conservatively once again to keep his team from really challenging the Saints. If anything, it was for 'Daytona Beach Golf & Country Club', where they'll certainly be come postseason time yet again.

Final Score: Saints 17, Buccaneers 7

San Diego (5-2) * Indianapolis (2-5)
Blame the weak schedule, maybe even blame backup quarterback Bob Gagliano's piercing stare, but the Chargers continue to stay out of the kinds of slumps that hurt other teams fighting for a top spot in their division. Stan Humphries kept the gag order on Gagliano for another week with his stellar 271 yard passing performance, while Nate Lewis continues working on nailing down a Pro Bowl seat with 139 yards catching on the day. It appears while Jeff George is looking for answers in the locker room, head coach Ted Marchibroda is looking for some company at the bottom of his Johnnie Walker.

Final Score: Chargers 27, Colts 7

Green Bay (2-5) * Detroit (1-6)
Though the records may indicate otherwise, it was an intriguing match-up of two quarterbacks in breakout years battling in a shoot-out to determine the worst team in the NFC Central. The Lions pull into a fourth-place tie with Green Bay behind Rodney Peete's 222 throwing yards, a few behind Brett Favre's 274. Though Favre won the yardage contest, Peete was playing off his rocker with an 88% accuracy to Favre's 60% with a pick. Barry Sanders got back on the wagon, running just a shade under 100 yards. Though it's a little late, with all cylinders now firing in Detroit it appears the Lions are ready to play spoiler.

Final Score: Lions 33, Packers 17

Minnesota (6-1) * Chicago (4-3)
The Vikings lose the return game against Chicago, who scored late to pull out the victory. It appears every year, just as the temperatures drop sub-20 in the midwest, the Bears heat up--and now, after their third divisional victory in a row, the Bears are just a game behind Minnesota. It wasn't the prettiest day for Jim Harbaugh, lobbing up 205 yards with 2 interceptions, but his ruggedness once again won the day over pretty boy Rich Gannon's 121 yards. It did not, however, win over that pretty young lady that maced him after the game at the Weather Mark Tavern.

Final Score: Bears 21, Vikings 17

Cincinnati (3-4) * Cleveland (4-3)
Cleveland head coach Bill Belichick gets a lot of credit for his football smarts, but wishing for one hundred more wishes from that genie on his offseason trip to the Mideast puts his genius on par with Pulitzer prize winners. It appears his Browns' team's luck continues to ride on equal parts luck and equal parts Kevin Mack, whose 129 all-purpose yards put his team over the Bengals in this divisional contest. Cleveland's defense also continued to dominate, shutting out the Cincinnati offense in the second half. And with Boomer Esiason's 53 total yards passing, it's beginning to smell like a David Klingler Christmas.

Final Score: Browns 17, Bengals 7

4:00 Games

New York Giants (3-4) * Washington (3-4)

The game wasn't as close as the final score indicates, with the Redskins watching the 4th quarter from the locker room and still winning this very important midseason division match-up. David Meggett had a mild return to his glory days, hustling it for 115 yards in place of an injured Rodney Hampton, keeping up with this season's surprise, Earnest Byner, and his 110 rushing yards. Despite all of their struggles, the Redskins are making it a race in the NFC East, while the Giants have yet to rediscover the magic that made them a contender last year. Jeff Hostetler's mustache has taken a lot of heat for the bad luck, which means there's only one solution: grow it out even bushier.

Final Score: Redskins 21, Giants 14

Atlanta (6-1) * L.A. Rams (3-4)

As the Falcons fight for each win just to keep up with their division mates, the Rams come along and spoil it for them. Division champions a year ago, the Rams have all but become an afterthought this season, though their late-game field goal may have spoiled any plans Atlanta had for January. Reading like a stat line from 1991, Cleveland Gary had over 100 rushing yards, while Jim Everett had 260 passing yards, 107 to Flipper Anderson. Los Angeles climbs back to .500, while Atlanta climbs to a front row seat to watch what they hope is the mushroom cloud left behind from New Orleans and San Francisco slamming into each other.

Final Score: Rams 26, Falcons 24

Dallas (4-3) * Philadelphia (5-3)

The Eagles avoid falling into a tie for the division lead with a win over the challenging Cowboys. It was dicey for a while, until Philadelphia's 14 unanswered points in the 4th quarter put them ahead for good. Emmitt Smith continued to rush for the league lead with 122 yards on 14 attempts, but with Troy Aikman's failings at throwing passes to his own receivers, it was too much for him to answer the call. And lest you think it was Randall Cunningham leading his team to victory, we should mention it was Herschel Walker's uncharacteristic 100 rushing yards that helped his team claim the victory and top spot in the NFC East.

Final Score: Eagles 28, Cowboys 17

Pittsburgh (3-4) * Houston (5-2)

With the Steelers riding a 3-game win-streak, it was up to this rag-tag group of bone-breakers to beat the perennial division champion Houston Oilers to prove they were back in the race. And for the second time this season, the Steelers pulled out a victory over the defending champions by shutting them out in the second half and continuing to ride league-leading rusher Barry Foster and his 127 yards on teh ground. Neil O'Donnell played a part in the victory as well, out-throwing Warren Moon 185 yards to 169, with just 1 interception to Moon's 3. And suddenly, the AFC Central is becoming a popular holiday destination.

Final Score: Steelers 20, Oilers 14

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With all of the Week Nine divisional battles occurring today, perhaps the biggest and most important one will take place Monday night between the New York Jets and Miami Dolphins. With both currently occupying a share of the AFC East top spot, this game will showcase which team is ready to take the lead as they fight on the national stage. On Miami's side, they've got the veteran presence of Dan Marino making magic with anyone they put on the field with him, while New York continues to ride the tide of Browning Nagle, who's stepped out from Ken O.Brien's holdout to lead his team to 5 wins. While most of this is attributed to his team's league-best defense and the dynamic duo of Brad Baxter and Blair Thomas, there's something to be said for Browning's composure with the pressure put on him. We'll see how far he goes on Monday night, but if there's one thing we know about the Jets, it's their propensity for finding overlooked heroes and driving them into the dirt.

Monday Night Football: Minnesota vs. Cincinnati

With both teams poised at the precipice of perfection, the Vikings and Bengals are sure to bring their A-game tonight. For Minnesota, that includes their third-ranked rush defense, while Cincinnati is ready to release the pit bull that is Derrick Fenner. It'll be the Vikings' biggest test since Barry Sanders in Week 2, something we never thought we'd be saying about the Fenner Bender at the beginning of the season. Like we said before, getting to 3-0 can be a cakewalk for any team, what with upsets and fluke wins always a part of the game. Getting to 4-0 is the real test, and tonight only one team will pass while the other will go back to obscurity inside their own respective division. With the Oilers surging in the AFC Central, that would be a worst-case scenario for Cincinnati. Ask Vikings' fans if they're comfortable with the rising rookie in Green Bay, and they may turn a different shade of purple. Either way, we're excited to document this important early season game for you, and with our filler running out let's say we just get into it.

Quarter One
Eric Ball is the returner for the Bengals this evening, and he gets his team a decent starting position at their own 37-yard line. Cincinnati comes out challenging the Vikings' defense early with two straight pitches to Fenner which net 9 1/2 yards. Fenner converts the first down, but that's all he'll get this drive when Boomer Esiason tries to change things up and gets picked in the end zone on his dead duck pass to Carl Pickens.

Faking the famed Carter reverse, a play made popular by the Mauritania Mourabitounes national football squad, Terry Allen rushes for 23 yards. On the next play, the Mauritanians lift their chins in pride when the Carter reverse is actually called and goes for another 1st down. Winded from his minute-long run, Cris takes the bench while Anthony, no relation despite having the same Ivory Coast-shaped birthmark, heads out on the field and immediately pulls in a criminally wide-open 47-yard pass from Rich Gannon for the first score of the game. That's two French colony references for you geography nuts out there (and I know you're out there).

Minnesota leads 7-0

Cincinnati starts at their own 40 on the next drive. Future Carl Ekern "Spirit of the Game" Award winner Harold Green, also having a stellar season in his breakout year, takes the ball for 8 yards and is immediately injured by the spiteful and unsympathetic Vikings defense. Fenner picks up the first down, and fearing for his own safety takes the bench on the next play to give Eric Ball his first chance to carry the...rock. Ball plods slowly but gets 9 yards, 3 of which are erased on the next play after Chris Doleman readjusts his infrared on the newest Bengals' ballcarrier. On 3rd and 4, Ball caps off his first drive as a rusher in professional football by finding out what Doleman had for dinner.

Quarter Two
After a Lee Johnson punt that goes for a touchback, the Vikings start their next drive handing the ball off to Allen who is quickly becoming entrenched in Dave Shula's next nightmare. Allen carts around the Bengals' defense for 15 yards, waking them up for the next three plays which see a batted pass, a reunion of Allen's face with the turf, and Rich Gannon using his wheels to pick up 4 yards on a 3rd-and-17 play.

Standout rookie Carl Pickens operates with the ball for the first time in the game on a punt return. He's only upright long enough to see 19 yards, and when Ray Berry smothers Esiason for a loss of 13 on the next play, the Bengals suddenly find themselves dangerously close to the next Shula aneurysm. On a shotgun play that sees Esiason leaning up against the goal post, the ball is lobbed up to a wide open Pickens for a huge 79-yard gain. Ball nets a negatively impressive minus-3 yards on the next two plays, and when Berry swallows up a second helping of Esiason, Cincinnati is forced to settle for a Jim Breech 32-yarder. Unfortunately, they'll have to settle for Jim Breech minus the three points when his kick sails wide left.

Cris Carter, the second leading rusher on the team, nabs another 22 yards when the Carter reverse baffles Cincinnati once more. Roger Craig, the third leading rusher, is welcomed back from injury by a wall of Bengals' defenders. Allen completes the trifecta that is the vaunted Vikings' rushing attack with a 22 yard burst to the Cincinnati 30-yard line. Craig earns another week with the squad with a 23-yard catch-and-run to the 6, where Allen runs from to score with just 34 seconds left in the half.

Minnesota leads 14-0

Halftime - Vikings 14, Bengals 0

Quarter Three
Breech delivers a full power kick to the always-dangerous Darrin Nelson, who's only able to bring it out to the Minnesota 14-yard line. Anthony Carter doubles that on his second reception of the game, and two plays later nabs his third, a 35-yard connection to get them inside the scoring threshold once again. A flea flicker to Allen is courageously blocked by the Bengals' secondary, but his third fake reverse once again stuns them for a gain of 25 yards to the Cincinnati 7-yard line. They get away with two straight misfires to each of the Carters, leading to a 3rd-and-goal situation. Sucking up their stripes, the Bengals hold tough on another heart-stopping flea flicker to Carter, Anthony, batting it away at the last moment. Fuad Reveiz is on to give some fans between the uprights an all-expenses paid trip to the team dentists' office.

Minnesota leads 17-0

From his own 35-yard line, Esiason dodges a sack and connects with Pickens for 36 yards to get inside the Vikings' 30. From the shotgun formation, Esiason overthrows Pickens in the back of the end zone. Carlos Jenkins scavenges Eric Ball and Boomer for parts on the next two plays, eliciting another Breech appearance. This time, his kick is on target from 54 yards, allowing new owner Mike Brown to release one of Breech's children back to his father.

Minnesota leads 17-3

Enough time remains on the clock for Darrin Nelson to both return the Breech kickoff 68 yards and impregnate three nubile young women, while still having enough time to compliment the head referee's new cleats.

Quarter Four
Thanks in part to Nelson's stellar return and Gannon's resilience, the flea flicker survives another entry in the record books with a 22-yard touchdown connection to Anthony Carter.

Minnesota leads 24-3

Ball gets the Bengals' their best starting position of the day at the Cincinnati 44-yard line. The product of Esiason's scolding on the sidelines from Coach Shula is realized when Fenner is fed the ball on the next four plays. He totals 53 yards, but that's all that'll stay on his stat sheet after the game when Eric Ball is sent out to scrape up the final three for the Bengals' first touchdown of the game, amending his stat sheet to now include 6 total yards and a score.

Minnesota leads 24-10

Allen scoops up the onside Breech kick at the Cincinnati 48-yard line. Steve Jordan catches his first ball of the year at the 41, making the most of it with a sweet, sweet run to paydirt. The Bengals are suddenly the loneliest men on the field.

Minnesota leads 31-10

Just for 'kicks', a full-power Reveiz boot pins the Bengals at their own 7-yard line. Esiason finishes the game with two blocked passes and a 20-yard run in true Boomer fashion.

Final: Vikings 31, Bengals 10

To the winners go the spoils, and so the Vikings spoil a 'perfect' opportunity for Cincinnati and leave as only the second undefeated team, alongside the 49ers of San Francisco. The power players were in full force for Minnesota, from special teams star Darrin Nelson, to the defensive efforts of Doleman and Berry, to Allen, Carter and his other brother (not actually) Carter. Even Rich Gannon was effective in his mediocrity, successfully averaging 33% on his three flicked fleas. Derrick Fenner was obviously underutilized, a factor that can be blamed on both Coach Shula and Boomer's eternal pout. This wasn't more obvious than during the Bengals' final meaningful drive, which Fenner single-handedly constructed for their only touchdown. Cincinnati has a week to regroup before meeting the Oilers in two of their next three games, a hugely important bump in their schedule. Meanwhile, the Vikings will hope to continue churning out performances like this one--if only to keep the chilling, cruel gaze of Denny Green from making the oncoming winter colder than it has to be.

Wild Card Weekend: Sunday Edition

Today we get to see who else is invited to the Divisional playoffs party. Wild card weekend has become NFL's rush week, a fun little formality before the big show where one or two teams that don't really belong get to the postseason to get a brief taste of what it's like. Yesterday it was the Seahawks and the Packers, today it's the Bengals. Once we get Cincinnati out of the way, like we did with Seattle and Green Bay, we'll get on to the main event where the truly dominant teams can compete.

5 Cincinnati Bengals (9-7) at 4 Miami Dolphins (11-5)

It's lonely being Dan Marino

Quarter One
The game begins with Dan Marino rushing for 35 yards, Mark Clayton catching a few long passes, and the Dolphins driving right into the heart of Cincinnati's hopes and dreams. Things go awry for a moment when Marino fumbles it over to the Bengals at the 4 yard line, but it's all forgiven when Cliff Odom comes in and swallows Boomer Esiason whole to capture at least two of the runaway points.

Miami leads 2-0

Marc Logan is injured on the kick return, suddenly turning this year's edition of The Tecmo Bowl playoffs into a backyard Juggalo wrestling event. The Dolphins avenge their fallen domehead when Marino finds Fred Banks for a 55 yard touchdown. Multiple Bengals' defenders fall down during the run to the end zone, causing a few Cincinnati fans to phone up Jesse Ventura to see if Joe Robbie Stadium is hiding some gators in the marsh they call their home field.

Miami leads 9-0

The Bengals get a second chance on offense, and Boomer gets them jacked up with a flea flicker to Tim McGee that goes for 65 yards. Just when it seems the momentum is starting to shift, however, the full force of Cliff Odom's brow ridge brings it back into Miami's favor and the Bengals are stuffed on three straight plays.

Zander is never lonely with that strainer

Quarter Two
Cincinnati begins the new quarter on a positive note when Jim Breech is called upon to knock it in from 39 yards out. Despite missing three field goals and four PATs during the season, Breech is suddenly looking like the Bengals' last hope, which is saying a lot when you have Carl Zander's pornstache on your team.

Miami leads 9-3

The Dolphins are driving, and Dan Marino must be starting to see the points light up on the board. Unfortunately for Marino, this foresight blinds him from actually seeing David Fulcher, and his pass to Ferrell Edmunds is rightfully gobbled up.

The Bengals have the ball back, but unfortunately have the task to drive the length of the field against a top-3 defense with just two minutes left. Boomer decides to go all-out on a flea flicker to Eddie Brown to split the yardage in half, but a Dolphin defender gets his weasely hand in there to break it up. A few plays later and the Bengals are in Jim Breech territory, which is who they're calling on after the Dolphins' D-Line is causing Boomer's dry cleaners to see dollar signs.

Miami leads 9-6

Marino has a minute to work with, and most of that is consumed by Tony Paige and Sammy Smith. Apparently feeling comfortable with keeping a short lead over the timid Cincinnati Barn Cats, the Dolphins are content with winding down the clock and sending boy-next-door Pete Stoyanovich out for the 3-pointer before halftime.

Miami leads 12-6

Halftime - Dolphins 12, Bengals 6

Quarter Three
Cincinnati gets a chance for a quick statement out of the locker room, but the Dolphins' secondary keeps Boomer boom-less as they knock all of his passes out of the air. The Bengals can't cross mid-field to even get Breech to match half of his field goal totals for the year, and Coach Wyche fulfills his promise to Lee Johnson that he'd be punting in today's game.

Paige and Smith can't find any running ground this time around, so Marino goes to the air. On 3rd-and-4, the playoffs' worst defense stuffs Marino and redeems themselves for at least one drive in their foreseeable future.

Like shouting at a horror movie, they just can't hear you

Only down by 6, the Bengals finally go to their successful running game of Ickey Woods and James Brooks. They're working well for the team, until Brooks is called upon for the surprise flea flicker. And as a play that they've run at least 1,600 times this season, you'd think it'd go off without a hitch. But Brooks tosses it back to the shadow of Boomer Esiason instead of to Boomer directly, who's currently trying to see if light can exist beneath fourteen Miami defenders. Fortunately for the Bengals, they recover their own mistake, but the quarter ends with a second consecutive punt from Johnson and a fifteenth consecutive championship-less season on the horizon.

Quarter Four
While Marino will always be remembered for his offensive prowess, one can't deny his innate ability to yank rugs from beneath other teams' starry-eyed dreams. On the first drive of the quarter, he threads the needle, putting on a passing clinic before finding a wide open Banks in the end zone for a touchdown. The lead is now nearly out of reach for an impotent Bengals' offense to catch up, and as the dominoes fall into place for another cookie-cutter Tecmo Bowl postseason Cincinnati fans are asking where their Joseph McCarthy is now.

Miami leads 19-6

The Bengals fight valiantly back as if they haven't already lost their first game in five consecutive contests. But with Brooks and Woods running down the field, too many seconds have ticked off the clock and Boomer's interception at the Miami 34-yard line is more of a mercy killing than a heartbreaking final pass of an otherwise magical season for Mr. Esiason.

Final Score: Dolphins 19, Bengals 6

Miami runs out the clock on some safe plays, knowing they have their big brother Buffalo waiting in the wings. After losing the division in the final weeks, Miami looks to be on track to re-ignite an offensive fire that saw them win seven in a row earlier this year. The offense didn't convince anyone with their lackluster win here, but with all the chances they gave Cincinnati their defense is what sees them walk out with 13-point win. Cincinnati packs their bags for the long trip home, but shouldn't hang their heads too much as they certainly provided some excitement and flavor to a rather stale postseason that would have been otherwise staler had Chargers' back-up QB Mark Vlasic been involved.

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5 New York Giants (10-6) at 4 San Francisco 49ers (10-6)

Quarter One
Ottis Anderson fumbles at the San Francisco 20-yard line.

Joe Montana throws a missile to Jerry Rice for a 55-yard touchdown on the second play of the drive.

San Francisco leads 7-0

Holt finishes with the most 49ers rushing yards this season

Phil Simms isn't there to retrieve Anderson's flea flicker. Pierce Holt scoops up the fumble and runs from the 49ers' 20-yard line to the Giants' 20-yard line.

Montana slices it to a wide open Brent Jones on the first play for a 20-yard touchdown.

San Francisco leads 14-0

Quarter Two
In the red zone again, Simms can't see Mark Ingram doing jumping jacks in the end zone. After a sack and Dave Meggett fumble is retrieved 10 yards back, Matt Bahr misses wide right from 53 yards.

Montana drives his team to the Giants' 30-yard line in about 7 seconds. The New York 'D' holds up for one drive, but Mike Cofer still converts 3 points for the gold-rushers.

San Francisco leads 17-0

The Giants get to the red zone for a third time, but fumble for the third time. Dave Waymer gets his name in the score book with the recovery.


Halftime - 49ers 17, Giants 0


Quarter Three
The 49ers get the ball to start the half, but don't come up with any points when Cofer is wide left from 52 yards out. Vegas bookies are starting to sweat.

Mark Ingram realizes coating his gloves in his lucky peanut oil doesn't work out so well when he drops a wide open pass at the San Francisco 20-yard line. Giants punt.

If one Tecmo screen capture could haunt a receiver's dreams, it's this one

John Taylor pulls in a Montana-bomb for a 45-yard touchdown. Vegas bookies pop open a bottle of Dom Perignon.

San Francisco leads 24-0

Quarter Four
Ingram can't pull in another wide open pass at the San Francisco 15-yard line on fourth down. But damn, those gloves taste good.

Look at the cute little Giants players who are still trying!

Jerry Rice pulls in a 35-yard pass on the first play of the drive while writing a check for his kids' college fund.

San Francisco leads 31-0

Anderson fumbles on the Giants' drive for New York's fourth turnover. Waymer gets the recovery again because he's a selfish prick. Which is why the 49ers signed him to a multi-year deal.

Rice pulls in a 40-yard touchdown on third down while writing a check for Giants' Coach Ray Handley's kids' college fund.

San Francisco leads 38-0

Simms can't clear the cobwebs after getting sacked and throws an interception at the 49ers' 15-yard line, icing this game for San Francisco. Who are we kidding, this game was iced before the coin flip.

Final Score: 49ers 38, Giants 0

We would apologize for the trite synopsis, but we couldn't really pretend that the Giants didn't put on one of the poorest performances in Tecmo playoff history. And trust me, I've seen all 45,000 of them. For a team that dominated their own division and most of the others while winning 9 of their last 11, they couldn't have played worse had they found Phoenix Cardinals jerseys in their lockers. It was a pitiful performance for one of the more anticipated games this weekend, but we can't really see how the Giants stood a chance against a very peeved-off 49ers team that had the West division stolen from them in the last week. Forget that the 49ers have the number 4-seed in this year's playoffs; they've got Washington next week followed by the winner of Minnesota vs. Green Bay. If a road was easier to the Tecmo Bowl, it would be in an S-pattern with a team of Bo Jacksons carting the carriage.

 

Looking Ahead: Week Sixteen

While you've been busy making lists and checking it twice, we're out to find out who's going to be naughty and nice as this triumphant Tecmo Bowl season draws to a close. In the naughty column are a few teams that seem to enjoy being trampled upon each week as if they have some Freudian urge to be spanked, along with some underachieving teams that started with so much promise and then got sidetracked by a pretty cheerleader along the way. On the nice list are teams ready to clinch this week, so hopefully we'll see some good ol' slobberknockers; otherwise, this may end up like Christmas of '95 when you unwrapped your cousin's used Sega Saturn.

D.C. never forgets.

We begin the afternoon by unwrapping the biggest gift first when New York travels to the nation's capital to hold off the Redskins and claim a division crown, something that many early season prognosticators thought would elude them after a 1-4 start. It'll be two stud quarterbacks, two hard-running halfbacks, and two of the toughest defenses in the league. I'm starting to regret chugging that last half-gallon of egg-nog, for I'm ready to barf with excitement!

Who would have thunk that the Bengals would still be in the picture in Week 16? We're thinking not even the wise Boomer Esiason, until their pivotal win against Miami last week. They welcome Pittsburgh to town with the hopes of moving ahead in the pack and fight for a wild card spot in the end. The Bengals made short work of Pittsburgh in Week 11 during Monday Night Football, but with a chance to end their divisional foes' run to the postseason, you can bet Bubby and the gang will be ready to yank on the ol' choke collar around Boomer's neck.

The afternoon winds down with Miami and San Diego feasting on each other. They're two teams destined for the playoffs, but how they get there and where they wind up may be determined by this late-season battle. The Dolphins travel cross-country to the hostile Jack Murphy Stadium on a three-game skid, trying to turn things around to gain some momentum. Meanwhile, the Chargers, behind enigmatic QB B.J. Tolliver, will hope to continue rolling to an improbable division title in the AFC West and close out one of the more exciting races of the year.

Mrs. Muster's Baby Boy

The late afternoon doesn't provide much hype, although two AFC West teams in Seattle and Los Angeles may be fighting for their playoff lives depending on what happens earlier in the day. Perhaps the most intriguing match-up will be Tampa Bay visiting Chicago, where the Bears hope to steal a wild card position from Green Bay. Tampa Bay has won some big games this year, and although they're on their way out they could shock the Monsters of the Midway with a big upset win. Chicago has had an up-and-down season all year, either winning games so dominantly they seemed unstoppable, or putting up numbers even Ken O.Brien couldn't stifle a laugh at. The Buccaneers are far from a solid team, but have been on upset patrol all year. Unfortunately, they'll be playing a late-season Brad Muster, who has more than postseason glory to fight for this year.

And finally, in what we're sad to say is our last Monday Night game of the year (yeah right), the surprise of this year's The Tecmo Bowl season, the 12-2 Minnesota Vikings, travel to the bright lights of Los Angeles with a chance to gain a first-week bye by wiping out the fading Rams' playoff hopes. L.A. started strong behind the sorcerer of the Tecmo world, Jim Everett, and a strong defense, but since then have watched their perennial bully, San Francisco, pass them up and put a Roddy Piper-magnitude sleeperhold on the NFC West. The Vikings don't possess many strong features, which is why they're such an out-of-nowhere pick for No.1 seed in the NFC, but what they do have is a strong safety that they keep chained in the basement each week, withheld of any food or substantial water, and eyes pinned open to watch doctored footage of the next week's quarterback pushing his mother over and laughing. And that man's name is Joey Browner.

***************************************************************************************

AFC
1. *Houston (11-3)
2. Buffalo (10-3-1)
3. San Diego (9-5)

Wild Card
4. Miami (9-5)
5. Seattle (8-6)
6. Denver (8-6)

On the Bubble
L.A. Raiders (7-7)
Cincinnati (7-7)

Cleveland (6-8)

Playoff Scenarios:

AFC East
Bills clinch division and 1st round bye with win OR Dolphins loss

Dolphins clinch playoff spot with win

AFC Central

Oilers clinch 1st round bye with win OR Dolphins loss

AFC West

Chargers clinch playoff spot with win

Chargers clinch division with win AND Seahawks AND Broncos loss

***************************************************************************************

NFC

1. *Minnesota (12-2)

2. ^N.Y. Giants (10-4)
3. ^San Francisco (10-4)

Wild Card
4. Washington (8-6)
5. L.A. Rams (8-6)

6. Philadelphia (8-6)

On the Bubble
  Green Bay (7-6-1)

Chicago (7-7)
Tampa Bay (6-8)
Dallas (6-8)

Playoff Scenarios:

NFC East
Giants clinch division with win OR Redskins AND Eagles loss

NFC Central

Vikings clinch 1st-round bye with win OR Giants AND 49ers loss

NFC West

49ers clinch division with win OR L.A. Rams loss

 
^ - Playoff Berth

* - Division Champion

** - 1st Round Bye

*** - Home field throughout

Looking Ahead: Week Fourteen

We're three quarters down, and every game counts for teams on the bubble. For the ones not so lucky, well, it's quite possible they've come down with Decemberitis and have their sights set on beaches and pina coladas rather than frozen grass and watered down Gatorade. Despite this, we've got some exciting games on the docket, and no, that's not me begging you, constant reader, to continue on in this endeavor. That's entirely up to you, and here's to me hoping that you haven't figured out that you're reading about a simulated Tecmo season yet.

Buffalo and Miami continue to play keep-away with the rest of the division, while also trying to avoid colliding with each other in the process. The Bills will welcome the Jets to town with a basket of whoop-ass, while Miami travels intrastate to Tampa Bay to do battle with a desperate Bucs team. The Dolphins are coming off an embarrassing defeat in Chicago, and may unfairly lash out against the sabre-less Buccaneers and end their rum and pipe-filled dreams of a playoff chance. Meanwhile, the Raiders play host to division-leading Chargers with hopes of dethroning them and pulling within a game of first, depending on whether or not the charging steeds in Denver can keep Grogan's Patriots blockaded from entering the land of victory for another week.

In the Battle of Blondies, Boomer takes the cake

The Giants have stormed into sole possession of the NFC East lead after dwelling in the basement for the first quarter, and welcome their newest challenge in Cincinnati. Bengals QB Boomer Esiason is coming off of his worst game of the year, but may have a chance to come back against a 23rd-ranked Giants pass defense. Elsewhere in the East, the Redskins travel cross-country to challenge the fading Rams, the biggest Saints fans this week outside of that hobo who found a 1987 Wild Card Saints t-shirt at the Good Will. The afternoon wraps up with the Seahawks trying to keep pace in the AFC West against the Chiefs, and the Colts trying to keep pace with the Patriots for most blooper reel clips against Cleveland.

The late afternoon brings us two games in which NFC Central foes are fighting for some postseason life. Green Bay travels to Atlanta in the midst of the Falcons' SpoilerMania festival. Atlanta's won two straight over potential playoff teams, and could give the Packers some trouble if they can pull it off at home. The Chicago Bears will be in Soldier Field, and despite the chilly weather the Bears have been playing hot as of late with Neal Anderson at the helm. Detroit has been its normal pitiful self as of late, but do travel to Chicago as the defeaters of the undefeatable Minnesota Vikings, and playing in their division could give them the heat to cause some havoc.

We then turn our eyes to the NFC East, where Philadelphia will have a tough test against Houston to keep pace, and where the Dallas Cowboys, a team still on life support, battle the Steelers with Bubby Brister holding the plug.

Don't make this so easy, Joe

You'll find us at Candlestick Park on Monday Night, where the 49ers, winners of 7 straight, clash with division mates in the New Orleans Saints. The Bourbon Street favorites have made things interesting this season with some big wins, but none would be bigger than knocking the Niners down a peg and snagging an extra game in the race for a division title. With how competitive the entire NFC has been, it may be tough for New Orleans to land in the Wild Card, and so they're looking for a big performance from Steve Walsh. Walsh nearly outplayed Joe Montana in their last square dance, and he'll have to dig a little deeper here amidst the beads and masques to find a performance steeped in gold. Montana's already got a few of those, next to his four golden rings, dozen golden football cards and sixteen gold-plated jockstraps.


***************************************************************************************


AFC
1. Miami (9-3)
2. Houston (10-2)
3. Denver (8-4)

Wild Card
4. Bills (8-3-1)
5. Chargers (8-4)
6. Seahawks (7-5)

On the Bubble
Cincinnati (6-6)
L.A. Raiders (6-6)
Kansas City (5-7)
Cleveland (5-7)

Playoff Scenarios:

AFC East
None

AFC Central

Oilers clinch outright with win OR Cincinnati loss

AFC West

None

***************************************************************************************

NFC

1. *Minnesota (11-2)
2. N.Y. Giants (8-4)
3. San Francisco (8-4)

Wild Card
4. Washington (7-5)
5. Philadelphia (7-5)
6. Green Bay (6-5-1)

On the Bubble
Chicago (6-6)
  L.A. Rams (6-6)
Dallas (6-6)
Tampa Bay (5-7)
New Orleans (5-7)

Playoff Scenarios:

NFC East
None

NFC Central

Division Champions: Vikings

NFC West

None

Byes: Minnesota Vikings, Phoenix Cardinals