Week Nine: Mesmerized by the Mane of Munoz

The sun has risen on our first November weekend of football, and the mood around the Tecmo Bowl offices has dropped off considerably. Things are about to pick up as we turn the page on the first half of the season. Some teams have fought out of holes to get back to a clean slate, while others have so much dust in their eyes they'll need absinthe to clear them. With a majority of the games consisting of divisional dust-ups, it's sure to get pretty hairy pretty quickly, and not just because Anthony Munoz is out there guiding Boomer's blind side. So let's stop splitting hairs, and start splitting craniums as we dive into Week Nine!

 

1:00 Games

Phoenix (0-7) * San Francisco (6-1) 

The Northern Cardinal is a mid-sized songbird with a body length of 21 centimeters (8.3 inches). It has a distinctive crest on the head and a mask on the face which is black in the male and gray in the female. The male is a vibrant red, while the female is a dull red-brown shade. The Northern Cardinal is mainly granivorous, but also feeds on insects and fruit. Sorry, we thought an ornithological study of the cardinal may have been more intriguing than the actual results of this football contest featuring the representative mascot of Phoenix's terrible football team.

Final Score: 49ers 41, Cardinals 21

Buffalo (3-4) * New England (1-6)

The bye week method works for the Bills, as they come storming out to stomp all over their divisional little brothers. Thurman Thomas gets back in the rushing title race with 9 carries for 109 yards to pick up Jim Kelly's continual slumping. Kevin Turner was resilient for his team, carrying the ball 19 times for 121 yards (along with another 32 receiving) but his performance was lost behind his horrible quarterback and defense. It appears New England is in hurry-up mode to snatch up that good looking guy out of Washington State.

Final Score: Bills 28, Patriots 10

New Orleans (6-1) * Tampa Bay (4-3)
Facing their first test outside of the division, the Buccaneers acquire a solid 'D' for their performance. Not for defense, as they allowed Bobby Hebert to add to his career-high numbers with 254 yards throwing. Not for dominance, though Reggie Cobb had a solid day with 93 yards rushing on 9 attempts. And certainly not for daring, as Vinny Testaverde played very conservatively once again to keep his team from really challenging the Saints. If anything, it was for 'Daytona Beach Golf & Country Club', where they'll certainly be come postseason time yet again.

Final Score: Saints 17, Buccaneers 7

San Diego (5-2) * Indianapolis (2-5)
Blame the weak schedule, maybe even blame backup quarterback Bob Gagliano's piercing stare, but the Chargers continue to stay out of the kinds of slumps that hurt other teams fighting for a top spot in their division. Stan Humphries kept the gag order on Gagliano for another week with his stellar 271 yard passing performance, while Nate Lewis continues working on nailing down a Pro Bowl seat with 139 yards catching on the day. It appears while Jeff George is looking for answers in the locker room, head coach Ted Marchibroda is looking for some company at the bottom of his Johnnie Walker.

Final Score: Chargers 27, Colts 7

Green Bay (2-5) * Detroit (1-6)
Though the records may indicate otherwise, it was an intriguing match-up of two quarterbacks in breakout years battling in a shoot-out to determine the worst team in the NFC Central. The Lions pull into a fourth-place tie with Green Bay behind Rodney Peete's 222 throwing yards, a few behind Brett Favre's 274. Though Favre won the yardage contest, Peete was playing off his rocker with an 88% accuracy to Favre's 60% with a pick. Barry Sanders got back on the wagon, running just a shade under 100 yards. Though it's a little late, with all cylinders now firing in Detroit it appears the Lions are ready to play spoiler.

Final Score: Lions 33, Packers 17

Minnesota (6-1) * Chicago (4-3)
The Vikings lose the return game against Chicago, who scored late to pull out the victory. It appears every year, just as the temperatures drop sub-20 in the midwest, the Bears heat up--and now, after their third divisional victory in a row, the Bears are just a game behind Minnesota. It wasn't the prettiest day for Jim Harbaugh, lobbing up 205 yards with 2 interceptions, but his ruggedness once again won the day over pretty boy Rich Gannon's 121 yards. It did not, however, win over that pretty young lady that maced him after the game at the Weather Mark Tavern.

Final Score: Bears 21, Vikings 17

Cincinnati (3-4) * Cleveland (4-3)
Cleveland head coach Bill Belichick gets a lot of credit for his football smarts, but wishing for one hundred more wishes from that genie on his offseason trip to the Mideast puts his genius on par with Pulitzer prize winners. It appears his Browns' team's luck continues to ride on equal parts luck and equal parts Kevin Mack, whose 129 all-purpose yards put his team over the Bengals in this divisional contest. Cleveland's defense also continued to dominate, shutting out the Cincinnati offense in the second half. And with Boomer Esiason's 53 total yards passing, it's beginning to smell like a David Klingler Christmas.

Final Score: Browns 17, Bengals 7

4:00 Games

New York Giants (3-4) * Washington (3-4)

The game wasn't as close as the final score indicates, with the Redskins watching the 4th quarter from the locker room and still winning this very important midseason division match-up. David Meggett had a mild return to his glory days, hustling it for 115 yards in place of an injured Rodney Hampton, keeping up with this season's surprise, Earnest Byner, and his 110 rushing yards. Despite all of their struggles, the Redskins are making it a race in the NFC East, while the Giants have yet to rediscover the magic that made them a contender last year. Jeff Hostetler's mustache has taken a lot of heat for the bad luck, which means there's only one solution: grow it out even bushier.

Final Score: Redskins 21, Giants 14

Atlanta (6-1) * L.A. Rams (3-4)

As the Falcons fight for each win just to keep up with their division mates, the Rams come along and spoil it for them. Division champions a year ago, the Rams have all but become an afterthought this season, though their late-game field goal may have spoiled any plans Atlanta had for January. Reading like a stat line from 1991, Cleveland Gary had over 100 rushing yards, while Jim Everett had 260 passing yards, 107 to Flipper Anderson. Los Angeles climbs back to .500, while Atlanta climbs to a front row seat to watch what they hope is the mushroom cloud left behind from New Orleans and San Francisco slamming into each other.

Final Score: Rams 26, Falcons 24

Dallas (4-3) * Philadelphia (5-3)

The Eagles avoid falling into a tie for the division lead with a win over the challenging Cowboys. It was dicey for a while, until Philadelphia's 14 unanswered points in the 4th quarter put them ahead for good. Emmitt Smith continued to rush for the league lead with 122 yards on 14 attempts, but with Troy Aikman's failings at throwing passes to his own receivers, it was too much for him to answer the call. And lest you think it was Randall Cunningham leading his team to victory, we should mention it was Herschel Walker's uncharacteristic 100 rushing yards that helped his team claim the victory and top spot in the NFC East.

Final Score: Eagles 28, Cowboys 17

Pittsburgh (3-4) * Houston (5-2)

With the Steelers riding a 3-game win-streak, it was up to this rag-tag group of bone-breakers to beat the perennial division champion Houston Oilers to prove they were back in the race. And for the second time this season, the Steelers pulled out a victory over the defending champions by shutting them out in the second half and continuing to ride league-leading rusher Barry Foster and his 127 yards on teh ground. Neil O'Donnell played a part in the victory as well, out-throwing Warren Moon 185 yards to 169, with just 1 interception to Moon's 3. And suddenly, the AFC Central is becoming a popular holiday destination.

Final Score: Steelers 20, Oilers 14

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With all of the Week Nine divisional battles occurring today, perhaps the biggest and most important one will take place Monday night between the New York Jets and Miami Dolphins. With both currently occupying a share of the AFC East top spot, this game will showcase which team is ready to take the lead as they fight on the national stage. On Miami's side, they've got the veteran presence of Dan Marino making magic with anyone they put on the field with him, while New York continues to ride the tide of Browning Nagle, who's stepped out from Ken O.Brien's holdout to lead his team to 5 wins. While most of this is attributed to his team's league-best defense and the dynamic duo of Brad Baxter and Blair Thomas, there's something to be said for Browning's composure with the pressure put on him. We'll see how far he goes on Monday night, but if there's one thing we know about the Jets, it's their propensity for finding overlooked heroes and driving them into the dirt.

Looking Ahead: Week Nine

The midseason point is fast approaching, with this week marking the eighth game played for every single one of our 28 beloved Tecmo teams. The majority of the AFC West is on bye during this last week of games off, and will be the last teams to pull out of the pit as we get set for the season's round two. We've already made a few new memories in this 1992 season, though it appears those will all take a backseat to the ones made in the more meaningful games of November and December. Because we missed this feature last week, and next week will be our mid-season report, we're opting to give you our most in-depth "Looking Ahead" to date! The ground is frozen, the sky is dark, and the pumpkins have all been chewed up by squirrels on their way to hibernation (ed: squirrels do not hibernate), so let's peer into the Week Nine looking glass!

EARLY GAMES

Keys to Victory: The fewer clouds Chandler
sees, the better

What's this? The Phoenix Cardinals are in upset mode? The 0-7 Cardinals head into this week facing perhaps the best team in the league in San Francisco. We're all aware that no team can go 0-16 in a season, especially this day and age, so it's only a matter of time before the Cardinals pick up their first win (ed: the Detroit Lions would eventually go 0-16 in 2008, but that's far off in the distant future). What better time than now, with the 49ers clearly overlooking them en route to another division crown? UPSET ALERT: Phoenix shocks the world, 21-17!

Buffalo returns off the bye bench to a welcomed match-up with the Welcome Mat Patriots out of New England. Despite a disappointing season so far, the Bills are still very much in striking distance in their weakened division, and springing off the free-falling Patriots may just be the remedy they need to ward off the devil, who's come to collect, for at least a few more games. Buffalo takes the wheel and never relents, returning to glory if just for one game: 38-14

Nine weeks in, and the Saints are still rolling. Despite a few early season surprises, nobody pegged this rag-tag group of debauched misfits out of New Orleans to continue to ride in stride with the 49ers. The explosive Pied Piper, Bobby Hebert, has all sorts of rats following him into this second half of the season, ready to dethrone the perennial champions out of California for an unexpected division championship. They face a team with another devout following in Tampa Bay, though the Buccaneers have more of a habit of calling it in when they feel overmatched--and against the 1992 Saints, they clearly are. Saints ain't slowin' down yet; out-shoot the Bucs 27-7


San Diego lost sight of their solid season by losing to the inferior Broncos last week. They won't let that happen again when they face off against the sorry Colts out of Indianapolis. Where Denver had fire and buckin' Broncos, Indianapolis is filled with a stable of castrated Colts. After a decent start to the season, Jeff George and Co. got mauled by Buffalo and haven't been the same since. The Chargers, meanwhile, with their veteran presence behind Stan Humphries, Nate Lewis and Gill Byrd, have proven more resilient and will bounce back from their loss last week to take the AFC West back with rest of the division off. Chargers take charge, continuing the Colts' woes: 24-3

Starting with this Detroit/Green Bay contest, the rest of this week's games are all intra-divisional affairs. Usually a contest that sees Green Bay roll over the Lions, we've seen too many mistakes from rookie Brett Favre and their weak ground game to hand this one to the cheeseheads. Detroit is a team ready to burst, and this may be the game to do it as they all but eliminate the Packers from a surprise playoff entry at the end of the year. Detroit pulls out long-awaited victory in see-saw affair, 26-23

Chicago Believes.

Another NFC Central dust-up will feature division-leading Vikings battling the Chicago Bears. Minnesota won their first contest handily in Week 5, but after losing to Washington last week, their already shaky confidence took a big hit. Despite two big win streaks the last two seasons, the Vikings have never had a deep team, whereas the Bears can be dangerous any day of the week (and twice on Sunday). The momentum is in Chicago's favor, with two week's worth of divisional foe beat-downs, and we think they'll have Rich Gannon's brittle bones clear in their sights come Sunday afternoon. Bears continue to roll, pushing the Vikings' ship further off course 30-21

After Week 3, the Browns were 0-3 and Cincinnati was 3-0. Since then, Cleveland hasn't lost, while the Bengals bungled away a division lead and haven't won. The Browns could continue to roll behind a stout defense and Mike Tomczak enjoying the view from Kevin Mack's shoulders, but we're not so certain that they're this year's versions of the Rams quite yet. A win here by Cleveland could have the nation's eyes turn to the dirty, inbred cousin of Cincinnati, meaning the attention the Bengals had in the first few weeks of a promising season could be lost for good. We don't think Boomer's ready to give up the ghost quite yet. Bengals win back the honor of Ohio (we think that's a good thing?), 19-13

LATE GAMES

Last year, there was a marquee match-up in the NFC East, and it was between the New York Giants and Washington Redskins. Two teams that battled back and forth for the division crown last year won't find themselves in that position this year, barring a miracle or a fractured Randall Cunningham fibula, but they still possess a somehow watchable enigma. Two of the 'old-guard' teams from the '80s continue to battle for their right to exist, and with aging and dwindling characters on both teams, this one could get ugly fast. The Giants have been respectable after a sluggish start, but won't replicate their nearly impossible run from last season. Redskins continue to pester their divisional brothers, holding them back for another week 28-21

There are three teams at 6-1 in the NFC West right now, and of those 3 perhaps the most surprising is the Atlanta Falcons. They soundly defeated the once-undefeated 49ers to pull even, but it was at perhaps the worst possible time: right before their division's bye week. The Falcons now have to try and continue their momentum against the lost lamb of the flock, the Los Angeles Rams. Though the Rams clearly don't have a shot at defending their divisional crown from last year, they still have enough fight left in them to throw some water on the Falcons' fire after getting stalled by their week off. Falcons' inexperience finds them tumbling off the ladder against Los Angeles, losing 21-18

Dallas spent the entire offseason bragging about having the 'right pieces' finally coming together after a decade of futility, with quarterback Troy Aikman, running back Emmitt Smith and receivers Michael Irvin and Kelvin Martin teaming with a impassable defense to grab a division crown. Though we've yet to see this perfect potion of owner Jerry Jones' dreams, there have been signs of a successful team brewing with Smith leading the rushing category and Aikman finding his receivers on a regular basis. Though they play in a relatively weak division that should be for the taking, they must contend with the powerful Philadelphia Eagles and their always dangerous quarterback, Randall Cunningham, who can burn a team through the air or on the ground. Cowboys can't pass the test, failing to stop the Phenom on the ground, 30-20

The afternoon ends with a rematch of a game everyone was talking about in Week One as Pittsburgh takes on defending Tecmo Bowl Champions, the Houston Oilers. The Steelers stole a win in the opening week's contest, but since then stumbled to four losses in a row. Now, however, they've hit the hot streak everyone was waiting for, and it's just in time for revenge game. Despite Houston's 0-2 start, they've proven to be just as hot a team as ever, with every intention of returning to the championship game. Though Tecmo has a large magic hat for each season, we don't think there's room in there for another black and yellow rabbit. Oilers remain the class of the division, spoiling the Steelers' surge 31-10

Each year, Monday Night contests are culled at random with the intention of featuring every team at least once. When we picked our Week 9 contest between Miami and the New York Jets, we expected it to be another contest wherein the Dolphins rolled over another divisional opponent en route to a convincing division championship. We couldn't have been more wrong, and we can't be happier. The Monday contest will pit these two blood brothers against each other, with the winner coming out on top as the sole leader in the division. Though the Jets have been riding a magic carpet pulled by the tandem of Brad Baxter and Blair Thomas, it's been the surprising play of O.Brien back-up Browning Nagle that's kept the Jets in it. Whether he's got the gall to match up with Dan Marino remains to be seen, but we're expecting nothing short of fireworks in this very meaningful mid-season match-up. Dolphins eke out the victory behind the veteran leadership of Marino over Nagle's stage fright, 28-24

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AFC

NFC

 

Byes: Denver Broncos, Kansas City Chiefs, Los Angeles Raiders, Seattle Seahawks

Monday Night Football: Philadelphia vs. San Francisco

Caution: You may need sunglasses for the glare

In real-life 1991 NFL, Joe Montana was sitting pretty with his four rings and a decade that he could single-handedly call his own. However, the 49ers were looking toward a questionable future while the NFC East started bubbling with teams ready to take back the conference. In Tecmo-life NFL, Montana still rules the roost, and despite a slow start to this particular simulated season, the 49ers appear to have finally hit the turning point after a massive pounding of the Detroit Lions last week. Now they get the grand spotlight of Monday Night, up against one of those flashy NFC East teams in Philadelphia. The Eagles' quarterback may not use a name, but for most of the season he's been letting his legs and arm speak for him. The two teams appear to be heading in separate directions, and tonight could be the defining moment in each team's season. Also, we'll get to see Tom Rathman inevitably juke and jive for 45 yards and at least 8 touchdowns.

Quarter One
The 49ers keep their winning streak alive with a victorious coin flip call, and elect to receive. Dexter Carter brings the ball 15 yards out, from which Tom Rathman chugs all the way to the 38-yard line. Two plays later on 3rd-and-1, however, Thomas Dean Rathman can't bust past his own offensive line and Barry Helton is on for his second punt of the season.

Philadelphia starts on their own 20 after forty-five minutes of trying to find the punted ball floating somewhere in the Delaware River. Keith Byars swoons the Philadelphia fans with a run for no gain, but QB Eagles earns even less yards after a Pierce Holt sack. On 3rd and 20, Eagles' pass is blocked and the 49ers are going to get their ball back.

Just before he cartwheeled in from the twenty

John Taylor is the punt returner, and earns his paycheck for the week with a run to the Eagles' 48-yard line. Roger Craig makes up the remaining distance with a blistering run to paydirt while Eagles Coach Rich Kotite suddenly finds himself holding the Classifieds section of the Philadelphia Inquirer.

San Francisco leads 7-0

The Eagles get another shot from their own 37-yard line, but Heath Sherman resists another first down by falling down after 9 yards. When Eagles can't pay anyone to catch his pass, it's 3rd-and-1. Byars finally converts the first down and gets to midfield, while Sherman's ensuing 7-yard run brings us to the end of the quarter.

Quarter Two
The quarter second begins as the first ended, with QB Eagles' streak of uncaught passes continuing. On 3rd and 3, Byars goes the wrong way. Jeff Feagles, who holds the honor of having the closest name to his team aside from blatantly made up players, is out to punt the ball. His kick goes for a total of 75 yards, with a net of about 15.

Joe Montana adds to the rushing trifecta with a 14-yard scramble, ending his run in front of QB Eagles and making sure to shake his hand with the one covered in golden rings. A pass to Jerry Rice is deflected in double coverage, a definite portent of doom for the 49ers. Of course, Montana recognizes about 10 men covering Rice on the next play, so he goes to the wide open John Taylor who high-steps 53 yards to the Philadelphia 8-yard line. Rathman is up the middle for the score, where he proceeds to do his signature spike and shuffle dance.

San Francisco leads 14-0

QB Eagles scrambles for 12 yards of his own on the Eagles' third meaningless drive, perhaps showing signs of a return to league-leading rushing statistics. His average is knocked in half on the next play, however, when his run is stopped short at the goal line. Two plays later it's 3rd-and-5, and Charles Haley gets involved with a sack of Eagles. Feagles latches on his punting leg for another touchback.

With 37 seconds left in the half, the 49ers show off their humbling display of kneeling out the clock by giving the ball to Rathman for a 35-yard run, just for the heck of it.

Halftime - 49ers 14, Eagles 0

Quarter Three
After reminding the Eagles this isn't a charity event, Kenny Jackson takes the field and returns the kick to the Philadelphia 39-yard line. Eagles' unfathomable passing deficiency continues with a batted pass behind the line of scrimmage on first down. He takes matters into his own hands with an 8-yard designed run, but on 3rd-and-2 Byars is stuffed for a loss of 1. The Eagles are now just 20% on third down conversions, which actually seems pretty high now that I think about it.

Jerry Rice is somewhere in the middle of this gang-rape

Feagles' punt actually falls ahead of the goal line at the San Francisco 1-yard hash, but Taylor still decides to bring it out to the twenty. Minutes later, Feagles is seen on the sideline with a judge, trying to change his name to 'Jeff Feagle-Niners'. Rice makes two straight receptions, the second in double or perhaps octuple-coverage, and the portent of doom is washed off San Francisco to drain into the same hole as Philadelphia's playoff hopes. Rathman coasts in from the 3-yard line for his second vultured touchdown of the game, and to be honest I won't mind if you change the channel to Sister Wives or check out this Wikipedia page of lesser-known 49ers running back, Harry Sydney.

San Francisco leads 21-0

Kenny Jackson takes the kick once more, and breaks off a few defenders to run it out to the San Francisco 48, now leading the Eagles in all-purpose yards. QB Eagles audibles a bootleg run, but it's picked and loses 7 yards. He's blitzed again on second down, but gets the pass off to three 49ers defenders that mercifully keep each other from intercepting the pass to keep Eagles' reception rate at 0%. On 3rd-and-17, Sherman gains 7 yards, but not the 1 in front of it to convert and Feagles is on to put another crack in the Liberty Bell.

Amidst shooting laser beams, Feagles keeps his focus...

The wheels may be coming off of San Francisco's offense when Montana somehow overthrows a wide-open Rice and Roger Craig is stuffed for a loss of two. On 3rd-and-12, Montana's pass is blocked, leading Commissioner Paul Tagliabue to start an informal investigation into 49ers Coach George Seifert's gambling habits.

Eagles goes down in a Halestorm of Haley

Quarter Four
Helton gets off a long punt and Philadelphia is set to start their monster comeback at their own 28-yard line. "The Drive", as it will be come to known by me and the four people that will ultimately read this blog, starts with a 1-yard run by Eagles and continues with a 2-yard loss by Byars. On 3rd-and-11, a blitz-sack of Eagles by Keith DeLong puts Coach Kotite in a tough position. He decides to wear his balls on his windbreaker sleeve and goes for it on 4th and 20 at his own 18-yard line. His balls are then subsequently injected with some of Charles Haley's HGH when QB Eagles is sacked again at the 7-yard line by Charles Haley.

Rathman gains 3 yards on first down, and graciously gives way to Roger Craig on the next play for Craig's fifth rushing touchdown on the year.

San Francisco leads 28-0

Jackson decides to take the ball out of the end zone despite staring at a flock of Eagles at his doorstep, and is dropped at the Eagles' 1-yard line. QB Eagles brings his team into the huddle to ready them for a four-touchdown rally with 3:35 to go. It starts off fruitfully with a combined 5 yards on two plays, but due to Eagles duck-tossing all day they decide to go with a Sherman run on 3rd down. The decision pays off with an 8-yard rush up the middle and their first third-down conversion since the first quarter. Strong analytical skills by this writer determine that the 49ers may be a bit pissed off when they rush all eleven at Eagles, but he somehow gets the pass off and finally connects with a diving Calvin Williams for a gain of 39 yards.

If Calvin Johnson is Megatron, Calvin Williams must be Laserbeak

In a twist of Faulkneresque fate, QB Eagles sprints the remaining 43 yards and a touchdown. The dream is still alive in Philadelphia after a puzzling 99-yard scoring drive.

San Francisco leads 28-7

The 49ers' left guard Guy McIntyre scoops up the onside kick attempt at the San Francisco 46-yard line with 1:34 remaining. Two quick plays lead to a rare 3rd-and-11 for the 49ers, and when Craig only gains 2 the Eagles will be getting the ball back after all. COM play-calling, folks.

Although Helton nails a punt at the goal line, Calvin Williams still fights his way to the Philadelphia 22-yard line with 30 seconds left. QB Eagles gets his second completed pass of the day to prove he's no fluke, but even his legs can't outrun the 15 seconds left on the clock, and the Eagles fall miserably short of the goal line and the win to fall to .500 on the year.

Final: 49ers 28, Eagles 7

Would it be okay for me to say I hate watching games like this? Just when I think I'm having a blast running this simulated season, games like this remind me why I never used to do it after I turned 13 years old. The 49ers weren't as dominant as they were against Detroit, but didn't have to be as QB Eagles had both holsters heated with guns to shoot his team's feet with. The schedule ahead is very favorable for the 49ers with two intra-divisional games and another against Phoenix before a showdown with the Rams in Week 13. This is why we should never be fooled by a 1-4 San Francisco start, even with all these years under our gut-busting belts. I don't see the Eagles recovering from this loss, mostly because a 28% completion rate and only 72 yards would be enough to shatter even a Rypienesque type of confidence.

Week Nine: Breaking Dawn

There's a point in each Tecmo season when the fun ends and the big boys start taking charge. The night-long party may soon be over for teams like the Bengals, Packers and Cowboys, as they soon make way for the Bills, 49ers and Oilers in the breaking dawn. But we play on, not because we think it's fun, but because it's something we must do. We must continue to cross our fingers for a cut screen, dramatic injury music queued up and Joe Montana lying like a pixellated corpse with legs facing opposite directions. Until that happens, we'll wait with baited breath as the scores keep rolling in, and Phil Simms alters his stats when we're not looking.

1:00 Games

Stephens has already run more yards here than in his game

New England (1-6) at Denver (4-3)

The Patriots don't make any ground up with the rest of the division on a bye week, despite the return of John Stephens and the fact that they took Denver to overtime. Steve Grogan went toe to to with John Elway, out-lobbing him 168 yards to 146, but it was ultimately the lack of oxygen in Denver that kept Grogan's passes from coming down from satellite trajectory when they were needed the most.

Final Score: Broncos 20, Patriots 17 (OT)

Dallas (3-4) at Detroit (1-6)

Detroit keeps the parade of suck going with another loss and 3-interception day from Rodney Peete. Barry Sanders was limited to 86 yards on 11 rushes, while his counterpart Emmitt Smith only used 8 runs for 105 yards. Dallas lurches its way into the thick of the NFC East behind a top-10 defense and Babe Laufenberg's smile, while Detroit is still having trouble finding the keys to a win despite holding them in their own hands.

Final Score: Cowboys 34, Lions 17

A battle of two of the most insensitive nicknames
in the NFL

Washington (5-2) at New York Giants (4-3)

The Giants claimed their fifth win in a row using 14 unanswered points in the 4th. Ottis Anderson put on a one-man show with 107 rushing yards, almost as much as the combined passing yards of Phil Simms and Mark Rypien. New York pulls the Redskins into a first place tie, David Meggett pulled some tabs down at the hotel bar, and I think I pulled my groin again looking at Angela Rypien's latest highlight reel.

Final Score: Giants 31, Redskins 14

Kansas City (3-5) at L.A. Raiders (4-4)

Although the Chiefs make it a two-game gap in the AFC West, it was more of a gift from the Raiders than anything. Bo Jackson led L.A. with 24 yards rushing on 3 attempts, causing us to wonder how much the Raiders coaches know Bo. His 8-yard average should have been a good omen, but Stephone Paige's 27-yard average on 6 receptions appear to have Jackson already gearing up for Spring Training.

Final Score: Chiefs 30, Raiders 14

San Diego (6-2) at Seattle (5-3)

After watching the rest of their division squabble, San Diego laid an egg in Seattle when Billy Joe could only connect on one pass for 18 yards. Seattle put up 21 fast points before allowing 14 garbage points to San Diego in the 4th quarter. This, along with a combined 173 passing yards leads us to believe that this game may have been about as exciting as listening to Kelly Stouffer call a Vikings preseason game.

Final Score: Seahawks 21, Chargers 14

The real scandal is Tecmo's blatant advertising monopoly

Minnesota (7-1) at Phoenix (1-7)

The Vikings get their 8th win in as many weeks, and second against the Cardinals in 3 weeks after breaking a tie in the fourth quarter with 14 unanswered points. Herschel Walker and Johnny Johnson had the same amount of carries (8), but Walker took his for 13 more yards. The Vikings take a stranglehold on the division, and may soon be sailing on their love boat to a division win.

Final Score: Vikings 28, Cardinals 14

L.A. Rams (4-3) at Atlanta (2-5)

With a late field goal in the 4th quarter, the Rams pull another game away in the NFC West. Their victory came on a silent day for Mike Rozier, who was out-rushed by his own quarterback. It was an ugly game with ugly stats by the Rams offense as well, which means the next time we see Los Angeles above San Francisco, it'll be more likely because the San Andreas fault finally sent California hurtling into the ocean.

Final Score: Rams 19, Falcons 17

4:00 Games

Green Bay (5-2) at Tampa Bay (4-3)

The Bucs let a huge opportunity to edge their way into the race slip away at home. Don Majkowski waved his wand for 285 yards and 4 more touchdowns with no picks, and Sterling Sharpe was a huge accessory for him, pulling in 7 passes for 150 yards. Vinny Testaverde just couldn't keep up, and now with Tampa Bay wallowing around .500, the chances of a creamsicle-free playoffs is increasing with each week.

Final Score: Packers 38, Buccaneers 21

Cleveland (3-4) at Pittsburgh (3-4)

Cleveland drops another one, this time to Bubby Brister and the hard-charging Steelers of Pittsburgh. While Warren Moon lounges in his poolside recliner, QB Browns will be retelling the story of how they were there when the Steelers made their late-season charge. Of course, the story will have to be told with a talking computer as he eats through a feeding tube after a Steelers safety and Browns' second injury of the season.

Final Score: Steelers 29, Browns 14

Real teams don't need wide receivers

Chicago (4-3) at New Orleans (2-5)

Da Bears got stomped in the Big Easy, falling further away from the streaking Packers and literally streaking Vikings. Craig Heyward was a beast for the Saints, running 112 yards on 11 rushes while also pulling in 3 receptions for 106 yards. It's a huge win for New Orleans, who have been kept quiet with the hype surrounding the Rams, 49ers, and Jessie Tuggle moonlighting as a cabaret singer.

Final Score: Saints 38, Bears 10

Cincinnati (4-3) at Houston (5-2)

In the biggest game of the Bengals' season that didn't involve promotional Zubaz, they lose a heartbreaker to the Oilers in Houston. Boomer Esiason was on point for 294 yards and 0 picks, but Warren was a moon-walk better with 86% accuracy and 288 yards of his own. The Bengals were kept one-dimensional as James Brooks couldn't crack 40 yards, and the Oilers take control of a division that no other team cares to win.

Final Score: Oilers 38, Bengals 28

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The San Francisco 49ers will finally get their shot to play on a national stage this season, and it's at a time when Joe Montana and Co. are playing at their highest level. The Niners could have lost another 4 games this season, and I'd still expect them to get in the playoffs with 12 wins. Therefore, the fact that they're starting to heat up this early has the rest of the NFC on notice; including the Philadelphia Eagles, who have seen their promising start to the season wither away with each passing day that QB Eagles' status screen goes from 'Excellent' to 'Handicap Accessible'. It's a big game deserving of Monday Night, where both teams need a victory to continue climbing within their divisions. Will the Eagles claim a second victory in a featured game? Or will the 49ers start Bill Romanowski? We'll know in just under 24 hours, friends!

SNARL!

Looking Ahead: Week Nine

'Feelin' Fine in Week Nine' isn't the motto for all of our Tecmo participants, in fact it's probably better that way, but we are finally seeing some teams break free and ready to take the second half by storm. A few divisional gaps are widening, but that doesn't mean we're ready to gloss over the races and half-ass it here, folks. It may be the mid-season doldrums, but we're going to make it as exciting as it possibly can be before the era of Two Point Tupa.

The week begins with New England hoping to gain a half game in the divisional race with the rest of their division idle. They may only have one win, and they may be playing a hungry Denver team, but don't count out Hart Lee Dykes' desire to win his first Super Bowl ring for as long as he's able to avoid bars and Irving Fryar. The exciting NFC East is back in the ring, with the Cowboys riding into Detroit and the division-leading Redskins heading into a suddenly hostile New York environment. To prove how far this season has gone maverick, the Giants have railed off 4 straight after losing their first 3 in a row, and could potentially wind up in a first place tie should they win. Phil Simms is so excited, his stare has gone from blank to creepy and confrontational.

In case you're nostalgic for early-90s era
print layout

It's also a big week for the AFC West, with four teams doing battle before they sail into the sunset of their pre-bye week schedule. First, Kansas City will try to shake things up and rain dance their way back into the race, while the Raiders try to keep Bo Jackson awake long enough to bust out of their .500 limbo. Meanwhile, in perhaps the game of the day, the two AFC West powerhouses in San Diego and Seattle do battle. B.J. Tolliver may have ten more passing touchdowns than Dave Krieg, but the Chargers only have one more win and a couple injuries to their special teams corps. That, and Burt Grossman will probably sleep through his alarm again unless he gets that toilet paper out of his ears.

The early games end with a rare Phoenix vs. Minnesota match-up mopping up the floor, and a Rams vs. Falcons divisional show-down to turn out the lights.

Never fear, however, as the afternoon games begin shortly afterwards with a tough challenge for Tampa Bay at home. They have a chance to make their case in the competitive NFC Central if they can catch up to the Packers, although we're thinking Green Bay and their potent offense will pose more of a challenge to the Bucs than having to match up against plays called by the future coach of the Cardinal Newman Crusaders. Meanwhile, the AFC Central sees some action late in the day with the fading Browns doing battle with the flickering-to-life Steelers. More importantly, the Bengals try to shake off a hard-luck loss against the Bills last week with an opportunity to tie the Oilers atop the division. They'll have to beat Warren Moon in Houston, but may not get that chance if his wife gets to him first.

Golden locks blowing in the breeze of his
1652 passing yards

Don't forget about our big Monday Night contest, starring the Philadelphia Eagles and San Francisco 49ers. The Eagles have lost their way as of late, and are now met with more bad news when they have to hop a plane to San Francisco for a melee with the 49ers in a game with big playoff implications. The Eagles won a big game against the Packers in their first featured game this year, but facing an early-season Majkowski versus a mid-season Montana is like jumping a second-grader walking home from school and jumping a well-coiffed, poised quarterback in the prime of his career with a left hand weighed down by four Super Bowl rings.



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AFC

NFC

Byes: Buffalo Bills, Miami Dolphins, Indianapolis Colts, New York Jets