Looking Ahead: Week Seventeen

Strike up the band, we're headed into the final regular season of Tecmo Bowl. Seventeen weeks ago, we were advised to avoid this nonsense for another year. Instead, we forged through to another successful season of broken bones and, after this week, broken hearts. The AFC has their three kings on their thrones, though the wild card has five teams all jammed in the neck of the bottle jockeying for position. The NFC, meanwhile, has seven teams fighting for six spots, though the positioning of those six is anyone's guess. They say when there's no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth. Let's hope Browning Nagle stays buried when the seeds are finally locked up in the hell of the NFL postseason.

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AFC East
Not only has Miami cinched up an AFC East title, they also sealed the deal on home field throughout the playoffs with last week's win. Meanwhile, it's been six weeks since the Bills lost a game, a surge good enough to give them a wild card berth. For the Jets, however, those past six games haven't been kind, as they went from a divisional contender to the AFC runt fighting to suckle at the teat of destiny.


New York either clinches a wild card with a win, or is eliminated with a loss. While their tie game against the Dolphins seemed certain to cloud things at the end, it now serves as a final ultimatum to Gang Green.

AFC Central
While the rest of their division played patty-cake all season, the Houston Oilers once again bubbled to the top to lay claim to the AFC Central. It wasn't always pretty, but then again with Warren Moon in charge it's not always about the looks. Cincinnati fell from grace after a promising 3-0 start to begin their campaign at a second straight postseason before going 3-9 the final 12 games. That leaves Pittsburgh and Cleveland, two old, ironclad AFC bastards still kicking out the vitals.

Playing each other with identical records, Cleveland and Pittsburgh are either in with wins, or their loss to the other means they're looking for a New York and Los Angeles loss to stay alive.

AFC West
San Diego wrapped up the West just in time to self-destruct over their last four games, losing twice to their divisional foes in Los Angeles along with a mind-rattling loss to lowly Phoenix. In line for a first-week bye, the Chargers will now need to cross their fingers for a Houston loss or a better differential. Though the rest of the AFC West resembled a graveyard this season, the Raiders have used their two late-season defeats of San Diego to get back in a competitive stance in Week 17.

Los Angeles can suit up with a win along with help from New Orleans against New York and a better differential against the loser of Cleveland/Pittsburgh.



NFC East
The Eagles were our preseason pick to take the division, and they're in good shape with a game against the floundering Giants on the schedule. However, though Philadelphia was the sexy pick, Dallas was our tight-lipped choice for the Tecmo Bowl, though their route is a bit trickier against another playoff contender in Chicago. Washington can't repeat after their Monday night loss, perhaps giving them that all-too-useless title of best team to miss out on the party.

Philadelphia is already in, and can win it all with another victory. Dallas is in the party with a win, and can take the division should Philadelphia falter.

NFC Central
Minnesota isn't the same team we saw in the Conference Championship last year, though they have an unbelievable chance to repeat with a very palatable point differential against Chicago should they both finish the way they've ran all season, neck and neck. The Vikings also win the match-up draw, getting the last-place Packers against the Bears' opponent in Dallas to conclude the season. It's really Minnesota's division to hand over, though Rich Gannon is the last person we'd trust with a silver platter.

It's pretty basic between Minnesota and Chicago, though the Vikings obviously own the tiebreaker. Either way, they're both in with a win or a San Francisco loss.

NFC West
The NFC West was a wild cluster all season long. San Francisco has found themselves on the wrong end of some distance, however, as a result of their 1-4 record over the last 5 games. They're the odd man out in the wild card race, having already been eliminated from a division that Atlanta seems to finally have a chokehold on.

Atlanta is in, and can take the division with a win. New Orleans is in with a victory, and can take the division with their sizable point differential should Atlanta lose. San Francisco needs the most help, with a win and a loss from any of the contending teams ahead of them to attempt to break a tie.


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Our featured games have seen their final days, though that doesn't mean we won't have a prying eye on some of the more curious contests this week. Though there are four spots locked up in the AFC West, there's still a lot to play for in terms of bye weeks and the final two wild cards. The NFC has three divisions with two teams each still battling for the right to having future thrift-store t-shirts printed, along with seeds 4-6 still up for grabs. Here be your list of pivotal games with additional content in Week 17:

New Orleans (10-5) at New York Jets (7-7-1)
Pittsburgh (8-7) at Cleveland (8-7)
Dallas (10-5) at Chicago (8-5)

And for the Denver fan in us all, we went back in time to visit John Elway and let him know the final results of his 1992 season. We'd share his reaction, but felt this photo really told the whole story.

 

See you on Sunday!

Monday Night Football: NY Jets vs New England

In what would normally be a basement level brawl in the AFC East, the Jets will now hope to use the hapless Patriots as a springboard to keep even with Miami in a very tight race for the division lead. The only thing truly separating these two teams is the strong defense of New York, though even that group appears to be tiring out a few weeks too early. They shouldn't have too much of a problem with a Millen-helmed defense tonight, though as of late there's been some rumblings coming out of Alabama of a young, able-bodied running back named Kevin Turner making some waves for the Patriots. As long as the Jets aren't caught unawares and quarterback Browning Nagle doesn't play like a zombie chicken, New York should be able to bounce back for a much-needed win.

Quarter One
Return specialist Jon Vaughn puts his Patriots at the 15-yard line to start the game. He can't bail his quarterback out on first down when Millen faces a full-on Jets blitz, though on second down the man from Des Moines has a much calmer pocket to launch a long 42-yard pass to Greg McMurtry. Finally finding their one successful play 12 weeks into the season, Millen airs it out once more to McMurtry but has his pass knocked away in the end zone. They opt for a shorter connection, with the one-time Red Sox first-rounder taking the pass at the New York 28-yard line. The first play to Weapon X, otherwise known as Kevin Turner, is a failure of a pass, though he resets his confidence with two plays that net 19 yards to slash his way into the red zone. Kyle Clifton stops the bleeding for the moment with an 11-yard sack of Millen, shaking him up enough to see two of Brian Washington intercepting him in the end zone.

New York runs a play action on first down, fooling nobody on the usually short-bus-occupying Patriots defense. Blair Thomas picks up a weak 4 yard run on 2nd down, though it appears rather Espy-Award worthy compared to his 2-yard loss on 3rd down to force a punt.

Though Michael Timpson has a hard time doing anything with Louie Aguiar's punt, the Prattville Punisher (Kevin Turner's alter ego) finishes up the quarter with a mean 32-yard run to put his team in Jets territory and immediately picking up where they left off on the last drive, with Turner melting hearts and Millen forcing bathroom breaks.

Quarter Two
Pin-up boy Turner can't handle Millen's first pass of the quarter, and the sudden panic causes Millen to absorb a second Kyle Clifton sack of the day. On 3rd and 19, Millen throws up along the sidelines for Irving Fryar, who pulls it in at the Jets' 17-yard line. Millen's one-trick pony is in full-gallop mode when his second consecutive pass to Fryar flies hopelessly into the visitor's tunnel. His attempt at getting Vaughn a third receiving touchdown goes unfulfilled, though on another 3rd down play his pass to Fryar is on the money at the 2-yard line and watches his star receiver run it in for a rare touchdown.

New England leads 7-0

Terance Mathis racks up a hefty run to his team's 43-yard line on his first return of the game. Brad Baxter is handed the ball on first down, from which he finds some running room for 20 yards to New England's 37-yard line. Browning Nagle watches no less than 3 receivers streak down the field wide open before experiencing one night in Andre Tippett for a loss of 9 yards. Blair Thomas is called upon to pick up 12 yards, still about 7 short of a first down which he still can't achieve on his second go-round. With a chance to put some points on the board for New York, Cary Blanchard misses his fifth attempt in just eleven tries, this one from 46 yards away.

The only man to escape a Killer Kowalski Claw, Kevin Turner takes a pitch from Millen for 4 yards on first down, but loses 2 of those on the next play when all eleven Jets defenders kamikaze dive on top of him. Undaunted, Turner takes his third straight pitch and picks up a first down and more to the New England 48-yard line. After an innocent miscommunication as Millen throwing to a cute but pesky gopher alone on the 10-yard line, the ball is handed to the unsuspecting Vaughn, who bounces off his left tackle but is otherwise untouched for 52 yards to the score.

New Englands leads 14-0

Mathis takes the kick out from the end zone to the Jets' 35-yard line, though his run leaves only 9 seconds on the clock for Nagle to panic, eschew his two open receivers along the sideline and throw a short pass to Robb Thomas that is harmlessly yet predictably blocked.

Halftime - Patriots 14, Jets 0

Quarter Three
Another stellar Mathis return comes at a high price, with the star receiver going down to a swollen patella. Thomas continues his forgettable day with a 2-yard loss, followed up by Moore finally getting some separation but now unaware what to do with this oblong shaped ball near his hands. On 3rd and 12, Nagle attempts a run of his own, and though his 1-yard run may seem like 100, he mathematically falls short of the remaining yards needed for a first down to force another Louie Aguiar sighting.

A touchback has the Patriots starting at their own 20 with a comfortable lead over the Jets. Wild Man Millen takes advantage of the rare occasion to lob a pass up to Irving Fryar that leaves a decent-sized gash near a table of Gatorade cups. Kyle Clifton has upper New York management thinking of a name change with his one-man show on a third sack of Millen, leading to a pass to Vaughn that falls hopelessly short of a first down.

Freeman McNeil makes his return to kick-fielding to much fanfare, taking the punt 15 yards to the Jets' 45-yard line. Nagle draws upon the play action with not much to lose, finding Moore open along with a desire to catch the ball for their obligatory one connection per game. It's a meaningful one that sees Moore streak down the sideline for a quick 55-yard score to get New York on the board.

New England leads 14-7

Vaughn is unable to get much farther than the 10-yard line on his return, setting up a dangerous 4th sack from Clifton that has the Jets suddenly claiming momentum in a game they had all but let slip away. From the shadow of their goal line, the Patriots are saved once more by Kevin Turner, Vampire Hunter, who escapes a diving defender in the end zone and picks up 8 yards. Millen puts his legs to work, though they disassemble somewhere near the 11-yard line, sounding the bell for a second consecutive Shawn McCarthy punt.

McNeil picks up a few yards to get the Jets a starting spot at the 45-yard line moving into the 4th.

Quarter Four
The Jets continue to put their faith in Thomas, who picks up 3 yards to put his net on the day somewhere around 0. Baxter nabs a rare reception in the flat for a 10-yard gain into New England territory, though it's Nagle who uses his rushing ability to pick up 20 yards on a Patriots' defense caught on their heels. From the 22-yard line, Nagle picks up another 7 before pitching it to Baxter to complete the final 7 needed to knot this one up late.

Score tied 14-14

The Patriots start off a slow, clock-burning drive with a wild overthrow of Fryar that's nearly picked off, along with another pass that's just off the fingertips of Clifton at the line of scrimmage. On 3rd down with 10 yards necessary, Millen drops back and finds a man open, though the 5-yard gain is only notable for the final stat sheet as McCarthy punts it to McNeil for a third straight time.

Suddenly in charge of the game, field general Browning Nagle throws the ball away in the face of a Patriots blitz that nearly proves costly when it goes out of the hands of a New England defender. Thomas is able to run for double digits on second down, though it also takes off double digits from the clock as just over a minute remains in this tied game. Nagle throws incomplete to Moore, the only covered man on the field, and somewhere, some high school quarterbacks coach just had an aneurysm. Baxter takes a pitch on second down, though it's caught immediately and only picks up 2 yards. Tim Goad saves the game for New England on 3rd down with a big sack of Nagle, though New York maintains its hard edge by going for it on 4th down. Though their unconventional play choice of having Thomas go up the middle proves a failure, it still manages to get a round of applause from ironic hipsters at the Built to Spill concert next door.

The Patriots take the ball with just 22 seconds left on the New York side of the field. The Jets send them backwards on first down, however, with a blitz of Turner for a 4-yard loss. Millen drops back on second down and goes for broke with just 15 seconds left, finding Marv Cook who lays out for the ball but can't get out of the frozen mud in time to score. This taxi cab's headed back to the land of deja vu.

Overtime
The Jets win the toss, though any hope the team's fans have at a quick score are dashed when Browning Nagle latches his helmet on and takes the field. The drive starts as slow as ever with a Thomas run for 7 yards, though the nightmares Nagle will have tonight should occur even slower as he watches his pass on second down sail into the gut of Johnny Rembert at the New England 38-yard line.

Kevin Turner the Bounty Hunter gets his team's sails at full mast with two runs that net 30 yards and get the Patriots at the precipice of Jason Staurovsky territory. Clifton breaches the line to knock Turner back 6 yards, though he still shows why his midichlorians are off the charts with a 26-yard scamper to the Jets' 13-yard line. With the soft, drunken whispers of Dan Marino in his ear, coach Dick MacPherson calls Staurovsky on to the field for a 30-yard kick that banks in off the right upright, symbolizing the Patriots banking off a rare late-season win against a fading playoff contender.

Final: Patriots 17, Jets 14 (OT)

 
The Jets come back to the national stage in just a few short weeks, and once again they hit the 14-point glass ceiling. This time, their impotence comes back to bite them in losing to perennial cellar-dwelling Patriots. With Blair Thomas and Browning Nagle leading the team in their respective categories and only totaling 104 yards, they only have New England to thank for not making them look totally inept on the field. Hugh Millen played less-than-horrible enough to keep his game in it, though once again the story of the game for the Patriots was the enigmatic Kevin Turner, who still remains invisible on game tapes to thwart any planning his team's opponents may have. His efforts finally converted into a Patriots win, and though it may be the last for his team, it was a strong showing that shows glimmers of what the future can be should they find a decent quarterback and not trade Turner away to a Caribbean football league.

 

Week Ten: Daryl Johnston Hates Your Team

The second half of our season begins with the skies darkening a little earlier, the wind biting a little chillier, and all 28 of our teams back on a full time schedule. With about half the teams tied at or riding near .500, Week 10 may prove to be an important week for some separation in the standings. It's an interesting week with a few intra-divisional battles and some inter-conference affairs sprinkled in. With the schedule hitting double digits, it's a sure bet we'll be seeing quite a few of our teams bearing down and starting their playoff runs. We'll make sure to play up all the exciting match-ups to uber-hyperbolic levels, until we're ripping on Stan Gelbaugh's pocket awareness to a point that even Daryl Johnston would be proud of.

1:00 Games

Cincinnati (3-5) * Chicago (5-3)
It's an early season flashback as the Bengals win their first game in 6 attempts, while the Bears' offense flounders behind Jim Harbaugh's 62 yards with a pick. Boomer wasn't moving all over the field, though he was mostly efficient behind 133 yards and 0 interceptions, finding rookie Carl Pickens four times for 70 yards and a score. Harold Green was back to his old tricks, running 72 yards with a score of his own, lengthening the battle for obscurity for both teams another week.

Final Score: Bengals 23, Bears 3

New Orleans (7-1) * New England (1-7)
Back from their bye, the Saints cruise to their league-best 8th win behind Bobby Hebert's 77% completion rating and 206 yards, though his rustiness was aided somewhat by Craig Heyward's un-Heyward-like day of 80 yards on just 9 carries. After an early touchdown to lead, the Patriots were shut-out as Hugh Millen once again shut down, throwing 3 interceptions to put him a shade behind Jay Schroeder for most passes thrown to the wrong team. And somehow, our universe has become that alternate universe where the fans of New England are calling for the Scott Zolak era to begin.

Final Score: Saints 28, Patriots 7

Cleveland (5-3) * Houston (5-3)
The magical mystery rides careens off the tracks for the Browns as this battle for the AFC Central lead was really anything but. Kevin Mack won the yardage contest on the ground, but his experimental butter gloves kept his team from ever getting near scoring position. Warren Moon played with a circulatory system filled with malt liquor, yet still played effectively enough to give the Browns any chances. The defending Tecmo Bowl champions may be entering coast mode come Week 11.

Final Score: Oilers 27, Browns 0

Washington (4-4) * Seattle (2-6)
The Redskins win a very loseable game against Seattle behind all eight cylinders of Earnest Byner's engine. Byner ran a cool 154 yards over a poor Seattle defense, as the Redskins only let Seattle get close with 14 garbage points in the fourth quarter. John L. Williams was all of Seattle's offense, with 112 all-purpose yards, and the thorn in every team's side would not be so for the surging Redskins. It's been a long season so far for the Seahawks, and only getting longer with a guy like Stan Gelbaugh standing atop Seattle's quarterback depth chart.

Final Score: Redskins 20, Seahawks 14

Denver (3-5) * N.Y. Jets (5-2-1)
The sign of a resilient team is their ability to move forward after a setback, which the Jets do here after failing to take over the AFC East last week. After facing nothing but scathing remarks from the New York media, Browning Nagle came out with guns blazing, throwing 223 yards with 60% accuracy. The Jets were also assisted by a 12th man named John Elway, who reverted to his early season antics with 71 passing yards and 2 interceptions. New York does their job, now they'll just have to wait for southern Florida to break off and float into the West Indies.

Final Score: Jets 17, Broncos 10

Miami (5-2-1) * Indianapolis (2-6)
Speaking of that other team, the Dolphins draw the Indianapolis Colts a week after a disheartening tie, which wound up being the perfect remedy. Miami sends the Colts into their 7th straight loss behind Dan Marino's proficient 256 passing yards. Playing 27 points behind, Jeff George finally started to lob it to Jessie Hester, connecting for 115 yards, but it was too little too late for a Colts team headed straight for a second consecutive first overall pick of the draft.

Final Score: Dolphins 27, Colts 14

Kansas City (2-6) * San Diego (6-2)
The Chargers continue their second half the same way the left it, still atop the AFC West. Though this time, the Chiefs gave them a bit of a scare with a surprise overtime showing. Dave Krieg turned it on in a rare 200+ yard throwing game, connecting with Willie Davis 3 times for 116 yards. Kansas City appeared to win on both sides of the ball, holding a normally proficient Stan Humphries under 200 yards with 2 picks, though the Chargers still won through sheer force of not existing in Kansas City.

Final Score: Chargers 17, Chiefs 14 (OT)

Minnesota (6-2) * Tampa Bay (4-4)
On the heels of a 2-game losing streak, the Vikings came out and showed Tampa Bay who the true pillagers of the NFC Central were. Terry Allen and Reggie Cobb cancelled each other out with a similar 82 yards rushing, while Rich Gannon cancelled out every other one of his games so far this season with a shocking 230 yards throwing and completing 80% of his passes. Cris Carter continues his breakout campaign with 111 receiving yards and making sure his Minnesota teammates continue to live in the 'ecstasy' of leading the NFC Central after 9 games.

Final Score: Vikings 31, Buccaneers 7

Buffalo (4-4) * Pittsburgh (4-4)
In perhaps the most important game to feature two teams combined at .500, Pittsburgh scores late to win their fourth game in a row and move closer to contending in their division. Buffalo's struggles continue despite another strong Thurman Thomas performace of 93 yards on 11 attempts, with Jim Kelly suffering weekly amnesia and forgetting who's on his receiving corps. Pittsburgh proved they could win on an off-day from Barry Foster, who's 89 yards seemed underwhelming compared to his past efforts, and the Steelers are finally appearing to be the mustachioed monsters we predicted them to be before Week 1.

Final Score: Steelers 20, Bills 16

4:00 Games

Dallas (4-4) * Detroit (2-6)

Daryl Johnston's favorite team coasts through this contest behind Emmitt Smith not only running for 84 yards, but also picking up 76 on 3 receptions from Troy Aikman, who only missed 8% of his passes. Barry Sanders, who's been non-existent all season, was literally non-existent during the game, leaving Rodney Peete to lead the team in rushing yards with 29 on 5 attempts. Dallas keeps pace with Washington in the wild card race, though with the NFC West still in the conference they may need to win out to even be considered.

 

Final Score: Cowboys 28, Lions 14

Philadelphia (6-2) * L.A. Raiders (4-4)

The Eagles do what they needed to keep their division mates at arm's length, with the difference in this game being a Roger Ruzek kick. The odds increased for a Raiders win in the first quarter when Jay Schroeder got knocked out, though Todd Marinovich's effectiveness was still surprising as he led his team from down 17 to within a heart-breaking 3. Eric Dickerson proved his worth as a receiver, catching 105 yards when Philadelphia's front seven kept him from moving forward, though this loss may be the final nail in a Raiders' coffin that already has about a dozen other final nails.

Final Score: Eagles 27, Raiders 24

N.Y. Giants (3-5) * Green Bay (2-6)

Rodney Hampton returned for the Giants, though the bastard cousins of New York continued to underwhelm against a tumbling Packers team, giving Green Bay their first win in 5 tries. Hampton still looked bugged, losing the yardage game to Jarrod Bunch who only found 45 yards on the field. Sterling Sharpe couldn't be stopped, catching 122 of Brett Favre's 198 yards throwing, until he was stopped with an injury in the third quarter. In other news, word has it Jeff Hostetler somehow made it safely out of the stadium in an armored bus headed for Central America after the game. 

Final Score: Packers 26, Giants 17

San Francisco (7-1) * Atlanta (6-2)

The Falcons make it a 3-way in the NFC West with their second vanquishing of the 49ers after a field goal off the foot of a normally inconsistent Norm Johnson. Tom Rathman was San Francisco's offense, scoring twice on 67 yards rushing, as Steve Young continued to flounder against the Falcons. Though Chris Miller hardly proved a leaning pole for his team, he was pulled out by Steve Broussard's day of 108 yards on 17 carries. Though the 49ers put up a valid complaint of having to travel across the country for a divisional game, the Falcons proved to be good sports by handing them complimentary bibs and hankies. 

Final Score: Falcons 17, 49ers 14 (OT)

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The winless Phoenix Cardinals will be featured in our Monday Night Football contest against the Los Angeles Rams, who are suffering themselves in their own freakish division. Perhaps what the Cardinals need is a featured game to cross over the hump, as their offense has been anything but inept behind a career year for quarterback Chris Chandler while Johnny Bailey, coming in from Chicago, has been the Renaissance Man for their ground and special teams attack. The Rams, despite playing at a respectable .500, absolutely need this win to remain in the chase in their own division. Though it should be a walk-over on paper, they've been playing beneath themselves, and their inconsistency could be their downfall against a hungry Cardinals team. Expect lots of balls in the air when Chandler and Jim Everett take the field against each other, though the win may come down to who has the biggest ones in their pants.

Monday Night Football: N.Y. Jets vs. Miami

The football gods have opened the gate to Mount Tecmo Olympus for another exciting Monday night affair, this time between the Jets out of New York and the Miami Dolphins. Both tied atop the standings in their division, they'll be duking it out for the pleasure of the rest of us and for sole ownership of the AFC East halfway through the season. It's experience versus excitement, extraordinary versus extravagant and, at times, execution versus excrement with Dan Marino and company attempting to hold off the rising fleet of Brad Baxter's battalion. Let's head down to the action.

Quarter One

Former Pro Bowl running back-turned-returner Bobby Humphrey brings the ball out to his team's 30-yard line to start this contest. With Dan Marino good and liquored up and all of his weapons at hand, he chooses to stick the ball into the gut of Mark Higgs, whose rush attack is taken out by the Jets for a loss of 6 yards. Marino finds his one open receiver, Tony Paige, on the next play for a gain of 16 needed for the first down. The next two plays see the Dolphins moving backwards against the top defense in the league, with a Tony Paige drop for -1 yards and Paul Frase getting his sixth sack of the year. On 3rd and 23, Marino's 5-yard pass to Tony Paige is considerably too short to convert the NFL-regulated yardage for a first down.

Punt return specialist Terance Mathis returns the kick all the way to his team's 39-yard line to give New York a relatively short field. Blair Thomas works out an underwhelming 2 yards, though it's a rousing success when placed up next to Browning Nagle's horrifying overthrow of a wide open Rob Moore along the sidelines. On 3rd and 8, Nagle drops back before making the terrible yet charming rookie mistake of going on the run. With only 3 yards gained, Louie Aguiar is out to show off his dangerously defined thigh muscles.

Humphrey takes the dangerous Aguiar punt at the 1-yard line and fights his way to the 9. From there, the mountain of a man known only as 'M' Washington tackles Marino dangerously close to his own end zone. On second down, Higgs erases the deficit with a 9 yard run back to the original line of scrimmage, followed by an expertly avoided sack by Marino to complete a pass to Paige for 37 yards. And thus, the quarter ends with Miami on the move.

Quarter Two
Marino puts his surgically enhanced robo-legs to good use with a 10 yards jaunt into New York's territory. Needing a breather, Dan hands the ball of to Tony Paige, a play that puts Miami right back on their side of the fifty. However, in the process of two more plays, Paige picks up 22 yards, a first down, and a Fila endorsement. From the shotgun formation, Marino avoids every one of New York's front seven to find Mark Duper open in the corner for the first strike.

Miami leads 7-0

Mathis secures another nice kick return to midfield for his Jets. The drive starts promising, with Nagle wheeling and dealing on his youthful legs for 14 yards, catching the Miami defense unawares. Brad Baxter works overtime on the next series of plays, picking up another first down on three separate runs. Another Baxter carry is split up with a nice 11 yard run from Blair Thomas, and out of nowhere the Jets are sniffing the end zone themselves. As has been the story all season, Thomas and Baxter work in tandem to pick up the touchdown, with Baxter dodging a few Miami defenders for the score as Nagle sips on his Capri Sun in the backfield.

Score tied 7-7

With the game starting to hit a sustainable excitement level, Humphrey jukes and jives his kick return to the Dolphins' 40-yard line. As the clock mercilessly sends its sands of time through the hourglass, Tony Paige chugs a slow 20-yard run to chew up nearly 40 seconds. He manages to pick up 6 more to get somewhere within 20 yards of Pete Stoyanovich's range. With the game clock winding to 0:00, Stoyanovich careens the ball wide left for his fifth missed boot on the season.

Halftime - Dolphins 7, Jets 7

Quarter Three
From the back of the end zone, Mathis hauls the ball out to New York's 10-yard line. Compound that poor return with a J.B. Brown sack of Nagle, and the Jets are now struggling to continue their drive on grass a few shades darker green than the regular turf. On 2nd and 18, Nagle's pitch to Baxter gains a modest yard. Thomas can't play hero on 3rd down when he plants his face into Siupeli Malamala's backside, and Aguiar is out for another decent 50-yard punt.

From their own 37-yard line, Marino hikes the ball from the shotgun position and baits the defenders. His expertly plotted out play ends in failure regardless, however, when he aims the ball for Mark Higgs rather than the clearly more able-handed and wide open Mark Duper. Kyle Clifton takes credit for a sack of Marino on second down, whereupon Paul Frase accepts Clifton's challenge and sacks Marino for the second time. Reggie Roby is out to punt the ball, and for some reason we're having a difficult time describing why he looks so much different than every other Tecmo punter.

Mathis gets pinned at the Jets' 15-yard line. From scrimmage, New York avoids a heart-stopping scare when Blair Thomas coughs the ball up at his own 25-yard line, though he's able to save the drive for at least three more plays when he picks it up. Nagle shows off his powerful arm once more by overshooting Moore by about 20 yards. Smartly, he goes back to planting the ball in the more dependable arms of his backs, until Dwight Hollier makes his presence known with a sack of Nagle to stall the drive.

Aguiar expertly places his punt at the Miami 2-yard line, a kick that becomes ever more significant when Humphrey bobbles it over to Brad Baxter for a special teams touchdown to quickly turn the tide back to New York's favor as the quarter ends.

New York leads 14-7

Quarter Four
A poor Cary Blanchard kick has Humphrey redeeming himself with a nice return to the Miami 46-yard line. When Marino's lob to Duper is denied, he turns to Mark v2, who's been shut out all day, and Clayton chalks up 27 yards on the completion. Marino tries his best to get it back to Duper, but the ball is batted away once more. Undaunted, Marino tries a third time, and on this occasion, Erik McMillan makes him pay with an interception in the end zone.

The ball is placed in the hands of Browning Nagle to seal the win, though he perhaps hangs on to it too long when he absorbs his third sack of the day for a 3-yard loss. Nagle attempts another throw to Moore, and though it's on target this time, there just happens to be one Miami defender left on the field gullible yet lucky enough to think Nagle might try to pass again. The ball is batted away, setting up a 3rd down play in which Dwight Hollier gets yet another sack of Nagle to quickly turn the ball back over to the Dolphins. Aguiar punts from the shadow of 40,000 unhappy Jets fans.

Humphrey takes the return at the Miami 48-yard line, but is tackled immediately afterward. An angry Jets blitz tackles Paige for a loss of 6 yards, though Marino's calm roll-out on the next play finds Mark Clayton for a first down conversion in Jets territory. Miami calls some efficient Higgs and Marino runs, then take their last time-out with 1:19 remaining. The call made during timeout was apparently the right one, as Marino picks Mark Clayton out of the four open receivers for a first down at the New York 15-yard line. With just under a minute to go, Clayton pulls the pass in coverage for Miami's second touchdown to tie this one up late.

Score tied 14-14

With Mathis returning the ball to the Jets' 39, Nagle gets to work attempting to put his Jets within Cary Blanchard praying range. With the clock and his own arm his worst enemy, Nagle still manages to finally find Thomas open for a completion at the Miami 42-yard line. With just 5 seconds left, Blanchard is out to send the Jets into first place, but his kick is hopelessly wide left. Get the coffee maker ready, it's overtime on Monday Night Football.

Overtime
Miami wins the toss, and Humphrey returns the ball like a Dolphin possessed. Starting from their own 44-yard line, Marino sends Paige up the middle for a gain of 2 yards. From there, he drops back, but fools the overly-concerned New York secondary and takes off on the run for another 15 yards. Paige plods another 11 yards on top of the rolled-over Jets defense to the New York 26-yard line. Coach Shula, either learning nothing of his own greed or everything about Pete Stoyanovich's leg, opts to go for another play, and in the end pays with another McMillan interception of Marino in the end zone.

Nagle gets the Jets' drive started off on the right foot with a lateral pass to Baxter for a loss of 2. Nagle attempts to right himself with a throw to Chris Burkett, but the other side of the field is just as vulnerable to his inaccurate arm. On 3rd and 12, Nagle opts for the short pass to Blair Thomas, who's able to make a Grecian sculpture out of Browning's excrement by picking up 24 yards. Apparently this was the last straw for the usually serene Miami front seven, as they blitz twice in a row to pick up their fifth sack of the day and set the Jets up in another 3rd and long situation. Needing 19, Nagle shoots for tight end but comes up empty.

Humphrey gives his team another shot at the 44-yard line, though after Marino's third pick he may be reading the fine print in the trade clause of his contract. Mike Brim gives his team one more shot with his first interception of the year.

With 45 seconds left and playing from midfield, Nagle throws a pass to Rob Moore. It's only his first interception on the day, yet it's an ill-timed one. The clock eventually winds out on Troy Vincent's return, sealing this one up with Marino and Nagle kissing their respective sisters.

 Final: Dolphins 14, Jets 14


It happens about as often as every senatorial election year: the tie game. In the entire existence of The Tecmo Bowl league, it's happened twice. And this one couldn't have happened to a more promising game, filled with the explosive play of Miami and the mistake-laden yet always unpredictable play of New York. Unfortunately, with the spotlights shining bright, we saw none of that as Marino threw three picks, two in overtime, while Browning Nagle tried his best to imitate his veteran opponent. Nobody's more upset about wasting people's time than I am, and for this I've chosen to boycott the rest of these teams' seasons. Sure, maybe this tie will now mathematically assist the Jets in an improbable playoff spot, but I no longer care. If I have to put up with Browning Nagle trying out his blind amputee impersonation against the Oilers in the postseason, I may get violent for just the second time in my life.

Looking Ahead: Week Nine

The midseason point is fast approaching, with this week marking the eighth game played for every single one of our 28 beloved Tecmo teams. The majority of the AFC West is on bye during this last week of games off, and will be the last teams to pull out of the pit as we get set for the season's round two. We've already made a few new memories in this 1992 season, though it appears those will all take a backseat to the ones made in the more meaningful games of November and December. Because we missed this feature last week, and next week will be our mid-season report, we're opting to give you our most in-depth "Looking Ahead" to date! The ground is frozen, the sky is dark, and the pumpkins have all been chewed up by squirrels on their way to hibernation (ed: squirrels do not hibernate), so let's peer into the Week Nine looking glass!

EARLY GAMES

Keys to Victory: The fewer clouds Chandler
sees, the better

What's this? The Phoenix Cardinals are in upset mode? The 0-7 Cardinals head into this week facing perhaps the best team in the league in San Francisco. We're all aware that no team can go 0-16 in a season, especially this day and age, so it's only a matter of time before the Cardinals pick up their first win (ed: the Detroit Lions would eventually go 0-16 in 2008, but that's far off in the distant future). What better time than now, with the 49ers clearly overlooking them en route to another division crown? UPSET ALERT: Phoenix shocks the world, 21-17!

Buffalo returns off the bye bench to a welcomed match-up with the Welcome Mat Patriots out of New England. Despite a disappointing season so far, the Bills are still very much in striking distance in their weakened division, and springing off the free-falling Patriots may just be the remedy they need to ward off the devil, who's come to collect, for at least a few more games. Buffalo takes the wheel and never relents, returning to glory if just for one game: 38-14

Nine weeks in, and the Saints are still rolling. Despite a few early season surprises, nobody pegged this rag-tag group of debauched misfits out of New Orleans to continue to ride in stride with the 49ers. The explosive Pied Piper, Bobby Hebert, has all sorts of rats following him into this second half of the season, ready to dethrone the perennial champions out of California for an unexpected division championship. They face a team with another devout following in Tampa Bay, though the Buccaneers have more of a habit of calling it in when they feel overmatched--and against the 1992 Saints, they clearly are. Saints ain't slowin' down yet; out-shoot the Bucs 27-7


San Diego lost sight of their solid season by losing to the inferior Broncos last week. They won't let that happen again when they face off against the sorry Colts out of Indianapolis. Where Denver had fire and buckin' Broncos, Indianapolis is filled with a stable of castrated Colts. After a decent start to the season, Jeff George and Co. got mauled by Buffalo and haven't been the same since. The Chargers, meanwhile, with their veteran presence behind Stan Humphries, Nate Lewis and Gill Byrd, have proven more resilient and will bounce back from their loss last week to take the AFC West back with rest of the division off. Chargers take charge, continuing the Colts' woes: 24-3

Starting with this Detroit/Green Bay contest, the rest of this week's games are all intra-divisional affairs. Usually a contest that sees Green Bay roll over the Lions, we've seen too many mistakes from rookie Brett Favre and their weak ground game to hand this one to the cheeseheads. Detroit is a team ready to burst, and this may be the game to do it as they all but eliminate the Packers from a surprise playoff entry at the end of the year. Detroit pulls out long-awaited victory in see-saw affair, 26-23

Chicago Believes.

Another NFC Central dust-up will feature division-leading Vikings battling the Chicago Bears. Minnesota won their first contest handily in Week 5, but after losing to Washington last week, their already shaky confidence took a big hit. Despite two big win streaks the last two seasons, the Vikings have never had a deep team, whereas the Bears can be dangerous any day of the week (and twice on Sunday). The momentum is in Chicago's favor, with two week's worth of divisional foe beat-downs, and we think they'll have Rich Gannon's brittle bones clear in their sights come Sunday afternoon. Bears continue to roll, pushing the Vikings' ship further off course 30-21

After Week 3, the Browns were 0-3 and Cincinnati was 3-0. Since then, Cleveland hasn't lost, while the Bengals bungled away a division lead and haven't won. The Browns could continue to roll behind a stout defense and Mike Tomczak enjoying the view from Kevin Mack's shoulders, but we're not so certain that they're this year's versions of the Rams quite yet. A win here by Cleveland could have the nation's eyes turn to the dirty, inbred cousin of Cincinnati, meaning the attention the Bengals had in the first few weeks of a promising season could be lost for good. We don't think Boomer's ready to give up the ghost quite yet. Bengals win back the honor of Ohio (we think that's a good thing?), 19-13

LATE GAMES

Last year, there was a marquee match-up in the NFC East, and it was between the New York Giants and Washington Redskins. Two teams that battled back and forth for the division crown last year won't find themselves in that position this year, barring a miracle or a fractured Randall Cunningham fibula, but they still possess a somehow watchable enigma. Two of the 'old-guard' teams from the '80s continue to battle for their right to exist, and with aging and dwindling characters on both teams, this one could get ugly fast. The Giants have been respectable after a sluggish start, but won't replicate their nearly impossible run from last season. Redskins continue to pester their divisional brothers, holding them back for another week 28-21

There are three teams at 6-1 in the NFC West right now, and of those 3 perhaps the most surprising is the Atlanta Falcons. They soundly defeated the once-undefeated 49ers to pull even, but it was at perhaps the worst possible time: right before their division's bye week. The Falcons now have to try and continue their momentum against the lost lamb of the flock, the Los Angeles Rams. Though the Rams clearly don't have a shot at defending their divisional crown from last year, they still have enough fight left in them to throw some water on the Falcons' fire after getting stalled by their week off. Falcons' inexperience finds them tumbling off the ladder against Los Angeles, losing 21-18

Dallas spent the entire offseason bragging about having the 'right pieces' finally coming together after a decade of futility, with quarterback Troy Aikman, running back Emmitt Smith and receivers Michael Irvin and Kelvin Martin teaming with a impassable defense to grab a division crown. Though we've yet to see this perfect potion of owner Jerry Jones' dreams, there have been signs of a successful team brewing with Smith leading the rushing category and Aikman finding his receivers on a regular basis. Though they play in a relatively weak division that should be for the taking, they must contend with the powerful Philadelphia Eagles and their always dangerous quarterback, Randall Cunningham, who can burn a team through the air or on the ground. Cowboys can't pass the test, failing to stop the Phenom on the ground, 30-20

The afternoon ends with a rematch of a game everyone was talking about in Week One as Pittsburgh takes on defending Tecmo Bowl Champions, the Houston Oilers. The Steelers stole a win in the opening week's contest, but since then stumbled to four losses in a row. Now, however, they've hit the hot streak everyone was waiting for, and it's just in time for revenge game. Despite Houston's 0-2 start, they've proven to be just as hot a team as ever, with every intention of returning to the championship game. Though Tecmo has a large magic hat for each season, we don't think there's room in there for another black and yellow rabbit. Oilers remain the class of the division, spoiling the Steelers' surge 31-10

Each year, Monday Night contests are culled at random with the intention of featuring every team at least once. When we picked our Week 9 contest between Miami and the New York Jets, we expected it to be another contest wherein the Dolphins rolled over another divisional opponent en route to a convincing division championship. We couldn't have been more wrong, and we can't be happier. The Monday contest will pit these two blood brothers against each other, with the winner coming out on top as the sole leader in the division. Though the Jets have been riding a magic carpet pulled by the tandem of Brad Baxter and Blair Thomas, it's been the surprising play of O.Brien back-up Browning Nagle that's kept the Jets in it. Whether he's got the gall to match up with Dan Marino remains to be seen, but we're expecting nothing short of fireworks in this very meaningful mid-season match-up. Dolphins eke out the victory behind the veteran leadership of Marino over Nagle's stage fright, 28-24

*************************************************************************************** 

AFC

NFC

 

Byes: Denver Broncos, Kansas City Chiefs, Los Angeles Raiders, Seattle Seahawks

Week Eight: A Pleasant Sunday Afternoon

There's been a lot of excitement going on around the expanded universe of Tecmo. In this alternate dimension, sports networks focus their documentaries on following the exploits of a niche group of Tecmo cultists in the cold, barren northwoods of Madison, Wisconsin rather than the actual superhuman exploits of athletes, and for that we couldn't be more pleased (though we did see a nice blend of the two when Christian Okoye, the Nigerian Nightmare himself, played against...himself...in a contest of Tecmo). In the midst of this magical week, the men and women here at The Tecmo Bowl suffered a bit of oversight and didn't get our weekly 'Looking Ahead' feature done for the second time this year. To make up for this egregious error, we would like to offer up this candid photograph of sack-leader Anthony Pleasant to you, our congregation, for your faithful following so far this year. Now to the games!

1:00 Games

Philadelphia (4-2) * Phoenix (0-6)

It's an NFC East rematch between these two, with a chance for the Cardinals to complete a big upset for their first win of the season. Unfortunately, these nomads from the desert must continue in their search for the elusive victory, as the Eagles shut the door early on another important divisional victory to keep the lead. Randall Cunningham nearly struggled to outplay Chris Chandler, with the two throwing for a combined 418 yards and 4 interceptions (2 each). Uncharacteristically for a team with a bird mascot, it was the Eagles' ground game that sealed the win, with Herschel Walker and Cunningham combining for 171 rushing yards on just 9 attempts.

Final Score: Eagles 28, Cardinals 6

Chicago (3-3) * Green Bay (2-4)

With another unnamed team in the NFC Central riding a bullet, it's now a battle for bragging rights deep in the middle of the division. The Packers are skidding horribly behind their rookie quarterback, Brett Favre, who once again struggled for control. He completed 83% of his passes for a promising 324 yards, though apparently the other 17% of his throws were to Bears defenders, as they picked him off 3 times to seal the win in their comeback march. With Brad Muster returning, the Bob Christian Express takes a backseat; though we think the Bears have found a way to keep from derailing for now.

Final Score: Bears 33, Packers 28

Washington (2-4) * Minnesota (6-0)

It's a rematch of last year's NFC Championship game, though in this contest it appears only one team has a real shot of returning. The Redskins still get Minnesota's number, however, shutting Rich Gannon down to just 66 yards passing with a pick. Mark Rypien was stoically efficient, completing about half of his passes for 152 yards and no turnovers, while Earnest Byner and Terry Allen competed for yards on the ground, 87 yards to Allen's 95. With the score suggesting this game could've gone either way, we think there was a Roger Craig de-pantsing somewhere near the end zone as time ran out.

Final Score: Redskins 21, Vikings 14

New York Giants (2-4) * Seattle (2-5)

Two 2-win teams that were in the playoffs last year compete in this meaningless mid-season battle, with the Giants coming out on top behind the rise of Jarrod Bunch and his 98 rushing yards. Seattle's momentum comes to a screeching halt when someone apparently pinched Stan Gelbaugh awake long enough to throw just 133 yards with 2 interceptions. Unfortunately for Seattle, a sleeping Gelbaugh may have played better than Jeff 'the Walking Dead' Hostetler, whose 94 passing yards with a pick put this win on the backs of his defense, a horde of running zombies who have a particular taste for Chris Warren's brains.

Final Score: Giants 27, Seahawks 13

Detroit (1-5) * Tampa Bay (3-3)

A week after their disappointing loss to Chicago, the Buccaneers have a chance to get back on the wagon by playing yet another inferior opponent in the Lions. It's a return game for Detroit, who have a chance to get just their second win while also driving a stinger deep into Tampa Bay's playoff hopes. The Bucs' defense held strong, however, walling up Barry Sanders and crushing Rodney Peete, who had no options all day. Vinny Testaverde threw just 177 yards, 144 of those to Lawrence Dawsey, though we still think the Vinny mask will be the most popular come Wednesday evening.

Final Score: Buccaneers 19, Lions 3

Pittsburgh (2-4) * Kansas City (2-5)

Don't look now, but the Steelers still have a chance to save their season when they take on the underwhelming Chiefs out of Kansas City. Each of Dave Krieg's completed passes were to his own receivers, but K.C.'s porous defense couldn't keep from blowing the game in the final seconds. Pittsburgh leans heavily on Barry Foster once again, giving him 168 yards on the ground combined with a 52-yard pass to put him over 200 on the day, and the formula that new coach Bill Cowher has been looking for was right beneath his nose the whole time. Nobody wants to play against a mustache that mean.

Final Score: Steelers 27, Chiefs 20

Indianapolis (2-4) * Miami (4-2)

With a chance to right the ship and shake up the waters in the AFC East, the Colts collide head-first with the rising Dolphins of Miami. And once again, the 'Phins coast behind Dan Marino and his 275 passing yards, with 140 of those going to Philadelphia cast-out tight end Keith Jackson. First overall pick Jeff George is still enjoying his vacation in the land of mediocrity, lobbing up a lazy 158 yards for just a 40% completion rating, simply unable to keep up with the explosive offense out of South Beach. The Colts lose their fifth in a row, and at this rate they'll be lucky if the commissioner lets them play five more.

Final Score: Dolphins 28, Colts 20

4:00 Games

Buffalo (3-3) * New York Jets (4-2)

In what is likely the game of their season, the Jets look for a mid-season upset of Buffalo to keep pace. And with Browning Nagle at the helm, who could doubt this Gang Green squad? Keeping his composure in the second half, Nagle and his Jets scored 17 unanswered points to edge out the defending division champion Bills. Once again, Jim Kelly and Thurman Thomas collapsed in the final quarter and a half, with Kelly only connecting for 116 yards and Thomas able to find 50 on the ground in 10 attempts. This may be the season where we see which way the toilets flush in Buffalo.

Final Score: Jets 24, Bills 21

Houston (4-2) * Cincinnati (3-3)

These two AFC Central participants collide for the second time in three games, with the Bengals desperately needing a win to end their 3-game skid. The Oilers didn't let up, however, with Lorenzo White eating up a struggling Bengals' rush defense for 55 yards on just 4 attempts. The Bengals attempted to play catch-up through the air, with Boomer Esiason finding rookie Carl Pickens on 5 connections for 162 yards. Unfortunately for Boomer, two of his passes found the hands of Oilers' defenders, which may have told the story of Houston's victory, also one of the best stories to read for insomniacs.

Final Score: Oilers 34, Bengals 24

San Diego (5-1) * Denver (2-5)

After a humbling 0-4 start, the Broncos secured two impressive victories before sacrificing John Elway to lose again last week. This week, the stables unleashed Elway back into the field to launch the ball for 265 yards and a late score to beat the coasting Chargers. Stan Humphries nearly matched Elway pass-for-pass, both completing 52% with Humphries throwing 249 yards of his own. The Chargers' also out-ran the Broncos, but whenever you carry the ball there's always a chance for a game-changing turnover. Which is why Denver perhaps chose to run the ball just 3 times for a total of 0 yards.

Final Score: Broncos 24, Chargers 21

Cleveland (3-3) * New England (1-5)

The Browns have won three games in a row, but they'll be the last to let anyone point that out for fear of jinxing their luck. Fortunately, for another week at least, that luck will continue with drawing New England as their next opponent. Kevin Mack assisted in the heroics of Mike Tomczak, bringing in 91 yards receiving before going out with an injury, while Eric Metcalf led the ground force with 101 yards. Alongside the anomaly of their offensive output, the Cleveland 'D' continued to thrive by picking Hugh Millen twice and forgetting to lock Anthony Pleasant's cage door.

Final Score: Browns 35, Patriots 17

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It's Halloween Week at The Tecmo Bowl, and what can be scarier than a winning Raiders team on the national stage? This means fans with spikes coming out of their lips, fans with skulls emerging from their chests, and Jay Schroeder with some confidence. Emmitt Smith and Eric Dickerson are two of the league's best rushers, with quarterbacks Troy Aikman and Schroeder emerging from the muck of last year to become two of the league's better captains. The Cowboys have to be shaking a bit in their cleats with this match-up coming along at the worst part of the season as they try to keep up with the Eagles in the NFC East. As long as they can avoid a hungry Raiders' defense, fans wielding axes, and NWA mistaking them for cops, Dallas should have a decent shot at getting back in the win column.