Monday Night Football: San Diego vs. L.A. Raiders

We round out Week 13 with another visit to the always electrifying AFC West. Last year there was a bottleneck in the division with hardly any time for the dusts to settle before the playoffs began. This year is an entirely different story, with San Diego in line to claim a front row parking spot to the postseason. Claiming a first playoff spot doesn't always indicate a long playoff run, though it is a pretty good stamp on how dominant a team can be. The Chargers will get the opportunity tonight, with a chance to savor the flavor that much longer by beating up on the Los Angeles Raiders, a final stalwart between them and a trophy presentation sponsored by L.A. Gear. The Raiders are 4 games behind with 5 to go, though beating their big brothers in the division head to head will help them leapfrog a few spots. To the left coast we go, with a chance to see how the West will be won.

Quarter One
The Raiders find themselves in the hole early with San Diego winning the toss and Nate Lewis starting his team up with good field positioning at the 39-yard line. Stan Humphries begins the game under center, rushing for a yard when the Raiders defense comes down on top of him. He doesn't fare much better on 2nd down when rookie Thomas Benson turns him inside out for a loss of 8. Humphries comes out in the marginally safer shotgun formation, though a collapsing pocket has Stan panicking and throwing short to Derrick Walker to force the fourth down punting decision.

Tim Brown has the open field ahead of him on the punt return and is taken down at his own 40. The last second decision is made by head coach Art Shell to send the healed Jay Schroeder out on the field, the one man capable of keeping his team's playoff hopes alive. Schroeder starts by taking a sack for a loss of 8, followed by two incomplete passes to Eric Dickerson. Last year's Pro Bowl punter, Jeff Gossett, brings the pain with a punt to inside the 5-yard line.

The Chargers pick up the first positive play of the game with an 8 yard pass between Humphries and Walker. Rod Bernstine wakes the crowd up with a leaping grab on the next play to take it down to the Raiders' 30-yard line. Humphries has a chance to run a flea flicker for the hell of it, though it appears the Los Angeles defense hasn't found the illicit substances yet and were on the field to break it up. The next two plays fail to pick up a first down, eliciting an appearance from John Carney to kick the ball from 45 yards away. His 18th attempt falls short, keeping this steamroller chugging along.

Steve Smith gets an attempt to run the ball for the Raiders, and the second back swallows a 6-yard loss. The quarter ends with a long run from Dickerson that ends with him bobbling the ball and his contract extension over to Anthony Blaylock.

Quarter Two
Bernstine goes off for 7 yards on first down to begin a fresh quarter. Humphries is chased out of the pocket and runs for some positive yardage, though his medal of honor ceremony is called off with a fumble that goes back into the hands of the Raiders.

Five different receivers stretch the field for the rusty Schroeder, yet the man of 1,000 endorsements throws short to Smith. Tim Brown is the target on second down, however the Chargers defense continues to make the towhead question why he ever came back to play a child's game. On 3rd and 10, Schroeder goes for broke and sees his next Hair Club magazine ad go out the window with an interception by Gill Byrd.

Riki Ellison does his team a solid with a sack of Humphries for 8 yards the other way. A play action pass to Nate Lewis regains 10 of those yards, though on 3rd and 8 the San Diego reverse is snuffed out faster than the Duke Cunningham scandal.

Tim Brown can only manage to get the John Kidd punt to his team's 19-yard line, from which Dickerson tumbles backwards another 3. The next play goes unseen by 50% of the audience watching a six-year old child doing the worm in the stands, which involved Schroeder connecting with Tim Brown for a gain of 80 yards. With 4 yards between them and points, the Raiders elect to go with Dickerson on two straight plays. His touchdown puts the Raiders up by a seemingly insurmountable 6 points with just a minute left in the half.

Los Angeles leads 7-0

Lewis' return picks up 35 yards with 24 seconds removed from the clock. A pass to Marion Butts up the middle racks up an enormous 36 yards to the Los Angeles 29 with 12 seconds remaining for John Carney to put a nice football-shaped imprint on the right upright.

Halftime - Raiders 7, Chargers 0

Quarter Three
Sam Graddy weaves his way through the San Diego special teams to the Los Angeles 35-yard line, setting his team up for a 2-yard Smith run, a wildly incomplete Schroeder throw across his body and Eric Dickerson running into a wall of his own players after being distracted on whether or not he mailed in his AARP registration.

Eric Bieniemy returns a punted ball to his team's 16-yard line, and the Chargers march on to the field for their next offensive series. From there, Stan Humphries throws an 84-yard touchdown to Nate Lewis and the Chargers march back off the field to drink Gatorade on television for a small paycheck.

Score tied 7-7

Starting from their own 34-yard line, Smith continues going the wrong way with a 6-yard loss. Dickerson can't make up any ground for his partner, and so Schroeder saves his punter's leg with another throw to Gill Byrd on the Chargers' 46-yard line.

Anthony Miller handles Humphries' hot potato after pulling in a flea flicker in coverage at the Los Angeles 15-yard line. Lewis converts another touchdown for San Diego, open in the back of the end zone for his second score in as many drives.

San Diego leads 14-7

Watching their lead blown in the same amount of time it takes Jay Schroeder's hair to clump up in the drain, the Raiders get to work at midfield. The quarterback's first pass is thrown 20 yards over anyone's head. His transgression is rewarded with his line opening up to Henry Rolling to tackle Schroeder for a loss of 9. Schroeder connects on a rare pass to Willie Gault, though the Olympian is just inches short of the 1st down.

Quarter Four
Los Angeles makes the decision of their tumultuous season with a Smith run on 4th and inches. The troubled back picks up the greatest 2 yards of his career, setting up for a late-game drive that sees Schroeder on the run for 11 yards into San Diego hallowed ground. It's another salty situation two plays later when, facing 3rd-and-11, Schroeder laces a beauty to Dickerson that picks up the 11 yards needed, plus another 10, to get within the Chargers' 10-yard line. Smith picks up his second touchdown of the day with a 6 yard score that puts his total on the day somewhere near 0.

Score tied 14-14

Back to square one at their own 8-yard line, the Chargers run a reverse that has Nate Lewis gain 25 yards. A positive sign for the team just minutes away from a possible pennant, Humphries lobs a flea flicker to Anthony Miller for his third touchdown pass after being shut out in the first half.

San Diego leads 21-14

The Chargers dare Los Angeles with a short kick to Sam Graddy that has the returner starting his team near midfield. With just under 2 minutes to go for an offense that needs about 3, the Raiders get to work with a strange call to Steve Smith that has the back running 5 yards. Another questionable call goes Los Angeles' way when Dickerson dodges a couple San Diego blockers at the line and streaks his way down the field for a 48-yard gain. Not fooling any judges for offensive coordinating of the year, Los Angeles still caps an impressive late-game drive with Dickerson bursting his way into the end zone.

Score tied 21-21

A man possessed, Nate Lewis crosses midfield with the kickoff and gets to the Raiders' 42-yard line. With just 10 seconds left and about 30 yards out of Carney range, San Diego plays it safe with a Lewis reverse that's wiped out for no gain.

Overtime

In our second overtime game in as many weeks, Los Angeles wins the toss and bravely elects to receive. Apparently saving his leg for such a situation, John Carney rails one off to Graddy who still manages to get the ball out to his team's 32-yard line. Schroeder needs not look off any defenders with Tim Brown left wide open along the sidelines. He saves his quarterback with a leaping catch that he carries to the San Diego 2-yard line, generously allowing our first Jeff Jaeger field goal sighting. The accomplished kicker makes just his 8th field goal of the year, though it's one that'll keep the bottles corked and the cake stale in San Diego.

Final: Raiders 24, Chargers 21 (OT)

San Diego was a different team in this, their second Monday Night game in three weeks. They fell short when it counted by choosing to arrive late to the game after fitting themselves for Division Champion t-shirts. Stan Humphries came alive in the 2nd quarter, showing off why he's still Top 5 material in the league, though their one-dimensional attack may have other possible playoff contenders licking their chops. The Raiders were the weaker team in this match-up, but with the any-day attitude of the league they were able to pull up their big boy pants and put on a rather decent game once they got going. Schroeder didn't make any fans miss Todd Marinovich in his return, though he also didn't make any believers out of a fan base needing to win out for any shot. It was a fun game in its own little capsule, and a sight for fans wondering what could have been in the AFC West.
 

 

Week Ten: Daryl Johnston Hates Your Team

The second half of our season begins with the skies darkening a little earlier, the wind biting a little chillier, and all 28 of our teams back on a full time schedule. With about half the teams tied at or riding near .500, Week 10 may prove to be an important week for some separation in the standings. It's an interesting week with a few intra-divisional battles and some inter-conference affairs sprinkled in. With the schedule hitting double digits, it's a sure bet we'll be seeing quite a few of our teams bearing down and starting their playoff runs. We'll make sure to play up all the exciting match-ups to uber-hyperbolic levels, until we're ripping on Stan Gelbaugh's pocket awareness to a point that even Daryl Johnston would be proud of.

1:00 Games

Cincinnati (3-5) * Chicago (5-3)
It's an early season flashback as the Bengals win their first game in 6 attempts, while the Bears' offense flounders behind Jim Harbaugh's 62 yards with a pick. Boomer wasn't moving all over the field, though he was mostly efficient behind 133 yards and 0 interceptions, finding rookie Carl Pickens four times for 70 yards and a score. Harold Green was back to his old tricks, running 72 yards with a score of his own, lengthening the battle for obscurity for both teams another week.

Final Score: Bengals 23, Bears 3

New Orleans (7-1) * New England (1-7)
Back from their bye, the Saints cruise to their league-best 8th win behind Bobby Hebert's 77% completion rating and 206 yards, though his rustiness was aided somewhat by Craig Heyward's un-Heyward-like day of 80 yards on just 9 carries. After an early touchdown to lead, the Patriots were shut-out as Hugh Millen once again shut down, throwing 3 interceptions to put him a shade behind Jay Schroeder for most passes thrown to the wrong team. And somehow, our universe has become that alternate universe where the fans of New England are calling for the Scott Zolak era to begin.

Final Score: Saints 28, Patriots 7

Cleveland (5-3) * Houston (5-3)
The magical mystery rides careens off the tracks for the Browns as this battle for the AFC Central lead was really anything but. Kevin Mack won the yardage contest on the ground, but his experimental butter gloves kept his team from ever getting near scoring position. Warren Moon played with a circulatory system filled with malt liquor, yet still played effectively enough to give the Browns any chances. The defending Tecmo Bowl champions may be entering coast mode come Week 11.

Final Score: Oilers 27, Browns 0

Washington (4-4) * Seattle (2-6)
The Redskins win a very loseable game against Seattle behind all eight cylinders of Earnest Byner's engine. Byner ran a cool 154 yards over a poor Seattle defense, as the Redskins only let Seattle get close with 14 garbage points in the fourth quarter. John L. Williams was all of Seattle's offense, with 112 all-purpose yards, and the thorn in every team's side would not be so for the surging Redskins. It's been a long season so far for the Seahawks, and only getting longer with a guy like Stan Gelbaugh standing atop Seattle's quarterback depth chart.

Final Score: Redskins 20, Seahawks 14

Denver (3-5) * N.Y. Jets (5-2-1)
The sign of a resilient team is their ability to move forward after a setback, which the Jets do here after failing to take over the AFC East last week. After facing nothing but scathing remarks from the New York media, Browning Nagle came out with guns blazing, throwing 223 yards with 60% accuracy. The Jets were also assisted by a 12th man named John Elway, who reverted to his early season antics with 71 passing yards and 2 interceptions. New York does their job, now they'll just have to wait for southern Florida to break off and float into the West Indies.

Final Score: Jets 17, Broncos 10

Miami (5-2-1) * Indianapolis (2-6)
Speaking of that other team, the Dolphins draw the Indianapolis Colts a week after a disheartening tie, which wound up being the perfect remedy. Miami sends the Colts into their 7th straight loss behind Dan Marino's proficient 256 passing yards. Playing 27 points behind, Jeff George finally started to lob it to Jessie Hester, connecting for 115 yards, but it was too little too late for a Colts team headed straight for a second consecutive first overall pick of the draft.

Final Score: Dolphins 27, Colts 14

Kansas City (2-6) * San Diego (6-2)
The Chargers continue their second half the same way the left it, still atop the AFC West. Though this time, the Chiefs gave them a bit of a scare with a surprise overtime showing. Dave Krieg turned it on in a rare 200+ yard throwing game, connecting with Willie Davis 3 times for 116 yards. Kansas City appeared to win on both sides of the ball, holding a normally proficient Stan Humphries under 200 yards with 2 picks, though the Chargers still won through sheer force of not existing in Kansas City.

Final Score: Chargers 17, Chiefs 14 (OT)

Minnesota (6-2) * Tampa Bay (4-4)
On the heels of a 2-game losing streak, the Vikings came out and showed Tampa Bay who the true pillagers of the NFC Central were. Terry Allen and Reggie Cobb cancelled each other out with a similar 82 yards rushing, while Rich Gannon cancelled out every other one of his games so far this season with a shocking 230 yards throwing and completing 80% of his passes. Cris Carter continues his breakout campaign with 111 receiving yards and making sure his Minnesota teammates continue to live in the 'ecstasy' of leading the NFC Central after 9 games.

Final Score: Vikings 31, Buccaneers 7

Buffalo (4-4) * Pittsburgh (4-4)
In perhaps the most important game to feature two teams combined at .500, Pittsburgh scores late to win their fourth game in a row and move closer to contending in their division. Buffalo's struggles continue despite another strong Thurman Thomas performace of 93 yards on 11 attempts, with Jim Kelly suffering weekly amnesia and forgetting who's on his receiving corps. Pittsburgh proved they could win on an off-day from Barry Foster, who's 89 yards seemed underwhelming compared to his past efforts, and the Steelers are finally appearing to be the mustachioed monsters we predicted them to be before Week 1.

Final Score: Steelers 20, Bills 16

4:00 Games

Dallas (4-4) * Detroit (2-6)

Daryl Johnston's favorite team coasts through this contest behind Emmitt Smith not only running for 84 yards, but also picking up 76 on 3 receptions from Troy Aikman, who only missed 8% of his passes. Barry Sanders, who's been non-existent all season, was literally non-existent during the game, leaving Rodney Peete to lead the team in rushing yards with 29 on 5 attempts. Dallas keeps pace with Washington in the wild card race, though with the NFC West still in the conference they may need to win out to even be considered.

 

Final Score: Cowboys 28, Lions 14

Philadelphia (6-2) * L.A. Raiders (4-4)

The Eagles do what they needed to keep their division mates at arm's length, with the difference in this game being a Roger Ruzek kick. The odds increased for a Raiders win in the first quarter when Jay Schroeder got knocked out, though Todd Marinovich's effectiveness was still surprising as he led his team from down 17 to within a heart-breaking 3. Eric Dickerson proved his worth as a receiver, catching 105 yards when Philadelphia's front seven kept him from moving forward, though this loss may be the final nail in a Raiders' coffin that already has about a dozen other final nails.

Final Score: Eagles 27, Raiders 24

N.Y. Giants (3-5) * Green Bay (2-6)

Rodney Hampton returned for the Giants, though the bastard cousins of New York continued to underwhelm against a tumbling Packers team, giving Green Bay their first win in 5 tries. Hampton still looked bugged, losing the yardage game to Jarrod Bunch who only found 45 yards on the field. Sterling Sharpe couldn't be stopped, catching 122 of Brett Favre's 198 yards throwing, until he was stopped with an injury in the third quarter. In other news, word has it Jeff Hostetler somehow made it safely out of the stadium in an armored bus headed for Central America after the game. 

Final Score: Packers 26, Giants 17

San Francisco (7-1) * Atlanta (6-2)

The Falcons make it a 3-way in the NFC West with their second vanquishing of the 49ers after a field goal off the foot of a normally inconsistent Norm Johnson. Tom Rathman was San Francisco's offense, scoring twice on 67 yards rushing, as Steve Young continued to flounder against the Falcons. Though Chris Miller hardly proved a leaning pole for his team, he was pulled out by Steve Broussard's day of 108 yards on 17 carries. Though the 49ers put up a valid complaint of having to travel across the country for a divisional game, the Falcons proved to be good sports by handing them complimentary bibs and hankies. 

Final Score: Falcons 17, 49ers 14 (OT)

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The winless Phoenix Cardinals will be featured in our Monday Night Football contest against the Los Angeles Rams, who are suffering themselves in their own freakish division. Perhaps what the Cardinals need is a featured game to cross over the hump, as their offense has been anything but inept behind a career year for quarterback Chris Chandler while Johnny Bailey, coming in from Chicago, has been the Renaissance Man for their ground and special teams attack. The Rams, despite playing at a respectable .500, absolutely need this win to remain in the chase in their own division. Though it should be a walk-over on paper, they've been playing beneath themselves, and their inconsistency could be their downfall against a hungry Cardinals team. Expect lots of balls in the air when Chandler and Jim Everett take the field against each other, though the win may come down to who has the biggest ones in their pants.

Monday Night Football: Dallas vs. L.A. Raiders

Halloween week has never really been anything out of the ordinary for NFL fans. For a sport with people wearing cheese blocks on their heads, costumes aren't anything new. However, with the night in which demons are free to roam the earth fast approaching, we here at the Tecmo Bowl couldn't find a better game to feature than one including the Los Angeles Raiders. They're a group of misfit pirates cheered on by a band of miscreant barbarians with only one goal in mind: beat their opponents black and blue. If they should win a few games, that's a mere bonus; and this year's Raiders have done a decent job of that. Tonight, they'll face off against an upstart Dallas team which, on the surface, don't appear too fazed, but beneath have to be shivering in their spurs with the prospects of falling further down the rungs of their division. It's an important midseason battle between two hungry teams, and we're not editing it for content.

Quarter One
Future Boston College Hall-of-Famer Kelvin Martin is out on the field for Dallas, returning a Jeff Jaeger kick out to his own 45 yard line to start this ball game. The Raiders came ready to pillage the Dallas offense, destroying Emmitt Smith for a loss of 5 yards on the first play. As the black and silver scourge celebrate over their loot, however, Michael Irvin is on call to run the famous Irvin Reverse (not to be confused with the famous Irvin Curse that ran rampant through the Dallas locker room during training camp), regaining 12 yards. Emmitt's next run picks up 11 more yards to set up an Aikman pass out of the shotgun formation. Tight end Jay Novacek lays out for the dead duck, sliding head first into the end zone for the Cowboys' first score.

Dallas leads 7-0

Sam Graddy, Olympic gold medalist and Cherokee County Fair blue ribbon winner, is out to return the kick for the Raiders. After a humble run to the 14-yard line, Graddy will be spending some more time at home making his famous peach cobbler when a Dallas blocker inverts his knees. The Raiders spend two plays running their version of the 'Smith' draw, but just like their names, Steve's attempts are far less exciting than Emmitt's. On 3rd and 7, Jay Schroeder drops back to pass but bounces it off the fingertips of Tim Brown. Hide your wives, here comes Jeff Gossett out to punt!

Martin gets another solid return on the punt to the Cowboys' 45-yard line, from which the Aikman show is set to begin. A lateral pass to Smith picks up 5 yards, to be overshadowed by Troy's sack-dodging laser beam to Mr. Martin for an additional 40. Everyone's favorite Daryl, Mr. Johnston, gets his first rushing attempt of the day for 4 yards around the left side, which is capped off by Emmitt Smith picking up the final 11 for his first touchdown of the day.

Dallas leads 14-0

Just when everyone stopped wondering where the hell Marcus Allen was, he shows up as the backup kick returner to a man with pie filling for gloves. Allen returns the Dallas kickoff to his team's 38-yard line, and on Los Angeles' first play, Steve Smith strikes about as much fear as the confused boy dressed as the Pink Ranger for Halloween when he punches his way through for 6 yards. A Dallas blitz erases that gain when linebacker Robert Jones takes down Schroeder. On third down, the John Carpenter soundtrack kicks in as the body count continues to rise, with Godfrey Myles taking out his defender and leaving Jay Schroeder writhing on the ground surrounded by masked madmen.

Quarter Two
The final quarter before halftime begins with Gossett's second punt, a doozie that pins the Cowboys deep for the first time all game. Fortunately for Dallas, their league-leading rusher erases a good portion of that deficit with a 70-yard run in which he goes untouched by a single L.A. defender to the Raiders' 5-yard line. Aikman is out to connect on his second passing touchdown of the evening, a stinger to Michael Irvin in the back of the end zone.

Dallas leads 21-0

Allen makes another cameo appearance to return the kick to the Raiders' 38-yard line. The goblins from Dallas continue to torment Los Angeles' offense, however, shutting Dickerson out on his first two plays of the game. Schroeder escapes another blitz, connecting on his first pass to Tim Brown for 22 yards. The Cowboys continue to bring the heat, but the suddenly calculating Raiders' offense is clicking with a couple of nice Dickerson runs followed by a perfect lob into the waiting arms of Willie Gault at the Dallas 2-yard line. Eric Dickerson completes the drive with a touchdown for his team, his tenth of the season.

Dallas leads 21-7

Martin continues to pave the path for his team's success with his third kick return past the 40-yard line, though an Anthony Smith sack of Aikman pushes them back 11 yards. A pass to Renaissance Man Martin erases the deficit, though on third down Troy's pass is tipped at the line. One of the 35 people listed on Wikipedia's page for notable names out of Arcadia, California, John Saxon makes an appearance to punt the ball just inside the goal line.

With 9 seconds left in the half, it was a perfect opportunity for a Steve Smith run up the middle. Of course, being they're the Raiders, they couldn't even follow that simple formula, and instead unleashed Schroeder to toss a short pass to Willie Gault, who somehow outran every Dallas defender to put this once-runaway game back within reach at halftime.

Dallas leads 21-14

Halftime - Cowboys 21, Raiders 14

Quarter Three
After the momentum shift that caused the San Andreas fault to crack open a few inches wider, the Raiders came back out to start a possible game-tying drive. Starting at their own 38-yard line, L.A.'s offensive line suddenly found themselves running from the man in the Robert Jones costume, allowing his second sack of Schroeder this evening. Somehow, Cool Jay was able to compose himself long enough to find Tim Brown for another 20+-yard completion for a fresh set of downs. However, with the shades of Schroeder's Jones-plagued past continuing to haunt his dreams, he's unable to connect with Gault on the next two plays, the second of which getting intercepted by a mysterious stranger, known to some as 'Clayton Jones'.

Michael Irvin sandwiches a long Emmitt Smith run with two reverse plays, one for 13 yards and one for a loss of two that knocks them back to the Los Angeles 3-yard line. Smith finishes the job with a draw play to pick up his second rushing score.

Dallas leads 28-14

Marcus Allen, apparently happy with his week's paycheck, coughs up the football at his own 45-yard line to give his team's opponent the ball back up by two scores. The witching hour has begun early for the silver and black.

Aikman goes back to the air, finding his favorite target of the evening in Kelvin Martin for 33-yard to the Raiders' 1-yard line. Once again on the precipice of danger, Los Angeles' defense holds tough for one of the three required plays to force a field goal. The second required play results in Smith's third touchdown.

Dallas leads 35-14

Apparently missing the no-fumble clause in his modified contract, Allen is back out to return the kick to near midfield. Eric Dickerson picks up 20 yards in the final play of the third quarter.

Quarter Four
Despite the promising start of the drive, the treats continue to elude the Raiders' offense when Schroder finds another Clayton Holmes razorblade in his apple.

With the Cowboys cruising, the Los Angeles defense returns for the first time since the first play of the first quarter to stop Dallas on a three-and-out to get the ball back with just over 3 minutes on the game clock. They'll have to also contend with a long field after a booming John Saxon punt pins them behind their own 20-yard line. Jay Schroeder runs out to the field, eliciting the loudest screams of the night.

In about two plays and five seconds, the Raiders are already facing a 3rd-and-9 situation, once again bailed out by the ghost of Eric Dickerson's career when he's able to gouge out a nice 22-yard run. A short 5-yard dash and a near-pick follow up this play, putting Los Angeles back in the belly of the beast. Dickerson is once again entrusted with saving this drive, and does so with a catch-and-run in coverage to the Dallas 14-yard line. The two-headed dinosaur of Steve Smith and Dickerson pick up 9 yards over the next two plays, and on a 3rd-and-1 game-changer, the Cowboys' blitz gobble up Smith for a yard loss. Facing 4th-and-2 at the 6-yard line, the Dallas defense once again locks its eyes on Smith with a blitz to end the drive, calling into question the strange late-game decisions of both coaching staffs.

Aikman pleases Tecmo fantasy players everywhere with a 57-yard heave to Martin to close out the game, padding both mens' stats and ruining one guy's week for playing Ivory Lee Brown over Martin.

Final: Cowboys 35, Raiders 14

It was another blowout on Monday Night Football, this time with the Dallas Cowboys storming their way back over .500 with the Raiders as their victims. Los Angeles enters their bye week licking a few wounds, their once promising ground game exposed alongside a defense that sat around picking daisies rather than imitating the gory Gwar-like massacres by their fans in the parking lots before (and after) the game. Emmitt Smith had another career day to keep himself at the top of the league's rushers, and with some important divisional games coming up it'll be up to him to keep his team afloat in the race. Despite the rout, I'd say we had some fun cavorting up and down the streets of the Tecmo Bowl's eighth Monday Night Football game. There were tricks like Willie Gault's miracle run as the half expired, treats like seeing Kelvin Martin break out as a star in the Dallas defense. And of course, there were the unspeakable horrors each time Jay Schroeder lofted up a pass. All in all, another successful All Hallow's Eve week here at the Tecmo Bowl, with just enough time left to feast on the strange powedery candy given out by Nate Newton's mom.

Monday Night Football: Buffalo vs L.A. Raiders

Also a great combo: french fries and mayonnaise

Thought we'd forgotten about you sixteen Buffalo Bills fans out there, eh? Yes, it's been a while since we put the Bills in our spotlight, and during that time they've flown under the radar into prime positioning in the AFC. Out on the west coast, Los Angeles has done their best to muddle up their division, even as Jay Schroeder continues giving his coaches aneurysms. The Raiders play host to the surging Bills, and even with the playoff implications involved it still looks like a one-sided affair on paper. Hopefully L.A. will keep Bo and Marcus enticed long enough with endorsements and book deals that they'll actually bust through the porous Buffalo defense for an upset win at home.

Casualty No. 3662 in the Bills-Reed murder rampage

Quarter One
Just as we start to consider giving the Bills the benefit of Japanese programming-induced doubt, they go ahead and win the coin toss, those shitbricks. Anyway, things start looking up for Los Angeles right away as they're able to actually bat away a pass to James Lofton and stonewall Thurman Thomas for no gain on second down. On third down, or what Buffalo calls "second-and-a-half" down, QB Bills avoids an all-out Raiders blitz and finds Andre Reed at the Los Angeles 37-yard line. Two plays later, he connects with Reed again, whose souped-up skills cause his defender to freeze and fall down, letting Reed waltz into the end zone for a score.

Buffalo leads 7-0

From their own 29-yard line, the Raiders go with the popular "keep the ball the fuck away from Jay Schroeder" play by handing it to Marcus Allen, who bobs and weaves for 17 yards. They follow this up with the far less popular "meh, what's the worst that could happen?" play by letting Schroeder lob it up to two Buffalo defenders--the only two defenders that have ever simultaneously intercepted a ball in Tecmo history, at least to my knowledge.

On the Bills next drive, they start conservative with a Jamie Mueller run for one yard. Once again, Lofton is denied participation in Buffalo's skullduggery, and so on 3rd-and-9 he goes for skullfuckery instead with a reception up the middle for 22 yards. One play later, Bills finds Reed wide open in the end zone for some reason, and Buffalo's only up by two touchdowns on two possessions.

Buffalo leads 14-0

Los Angeles gets another shot from their own 36. Schroeder drops back to pass, but smartly turns it into a run play instead when he dumps it off to Allen, who's able to hustle it out 30 yards to the Buffalo 34-yard line. A wave of Buffalo washes over Schroeder on the next play, dropping him back 9 yards, but Allen makes that up and more with a 25-yard run to the Buffalo 18-yard line as the quarter expires.

Despite his absence, this play was all-Schroeder

Quarter Two
In a play that can only be described as "average for a normal NFL offense", Schroeder threads the football up the middle to Allen of all people for an 18-yard touchdown reception.

Buffalo leads 14-7

Mississippi State's own Don Smith is injured on the run-back for Buffalo, bringing Kenneth Davis off his all-important "towel and Gatorade" duty as the new returner. Buffalo runs a rare three-and-out play sequence, and I nearly missed it during my undressing-with-the-eyes of that cheerleader on the 35-yard line.

Tim Brown returns the punted football to the Raiders' 20-yard line, a good spot to set up the soap box derby car that is Marcus Allen. He races down field on the first two plays for 15 yards, but Coach Art Shell quickly puts on the brakes before he catches flames, and sends his quarterback some passing signals. The first one is a failed pass to Mervyn Fernandez, while the next two don't even get off the ground when Schroeder loses yardage on two sacks.

Buffalo makes things interesting with a nearly blocked punt of USFL heartthrob Jeff Gossett. Al Edwards returns the punt to the Buffalo 13-yard line with about a minute and a half to go in the quarter. Thurman Thomas does his best Jamie Mueller impression with a 5-yard run that takes up about 30 seconds as he bops a few defenders, while Mueller does his best QB Bills impression by cowering from the onslaught of silver and black headed his way. On 3rd-and-6, Thomas picks up the first down, but now there's just under a minute to go. The Raiders taste the upper eastern-seaboard blood in the water, and take charge with two straight blitzes. The second one is blown up, however, when Bills rocket launches the ball to a wide-open Thomas, who choo-choos his way down to the Los Angeles 16-yard line. With just 8 seconds left, the Bills open the gate from which Scott Norton bursts forth. Just 8 seconds later, however, something else on Norton bursts forth when his kick shanks off the right upright and Buffalo is denied a 10-point lead at the half.

Anyone else notice 'NORWOOD' is just two letters away from 'NO GOOD'?

Halftime - Bills 14, Raiders 7

Quarter Three
The Raiders get another opportunity with the kickoff, and Brown sets his team up at the 38-yard line. Marcus Allen continues to bear the load with 20 yards on two more carries. Luckily Schroeder lifts the heavy weight off of his shoulders when his pass to Willie Gault is easily picked off around the Buffalo 25-yard line.

QB Bills unpackages his gift possession with a sloppy out-of-bounds throw, followed by an 11-yard loss from a Scott Davis sack. On 3rd-and-21, Howie Long plunges his square jaw into Bills' midsection, dropping him for another 10-yards. Rick Tuten is on to punt from 5 yards inside his own end zone, and due to the help of some Kentucky Bourbon and PEDs, he's able to rack the punt for 85 yards.

How Allen made white rubber dishwashing gloves famous

From their own 37-yard line, Schroeder hitches his team up to his rotting apple cart as he throws a pass to some Japanese photogs on the sideline. He makes up for it with a 12-yard run to midfield for the first down, however, a good time to unleash Ro-Bo Jackson, who'd apparently been encountering some prior technical difficulties. Jackson takes his first carry 43 yards down to the Buffalo 7-yard line, but like a Motorola cell phone battery immediately needs to be recharged. Schroeder drops back to pass, and with four receivers open he opts for that one dude with the spikes coming out of his neck in the second row. On second down, Allen is served up the ball, and he runs it in for his second touchdown of the day.

Score tied 14-14

Doesn't L.A. know there's no kneeling in Tecmo?

The third of four quarters slowly and lazily winds down with Buffalo taking possession of the football and immediately scoring on a 72-catch and run play from Bills to Reed. Although I just wrote this sentence, I swear I am not into rape or torture. Just a little harmless BDSM.

Buffalo leads 21-14

Quarter Four
With an entire five minutes at their disposal, Coach Shell sends out his best personification of said disposal with Schroeder scrambling and getting sacked twice in a row. Marcus Allen bails him out with a run up the middle to the 50-yard line, racking up some fool-making commission along the way. The drive stalls with another batted away pass to Fernandez and a run from Bo Jackson that can't burst around the edge. Facing 3rd-and-8, Fernandez finally makes his own play happen when he runs back to an underthrown Schroeder pass and then proceeds to miraculously jog down to the Buffalo 9-yard line. One play later, and Jackson is in on the party with a run up the middle to paydirt.

Score tied 21-21

The Buffalo Bills being butthole bastards. Alliteration!

With a robust 2:22 remaining and Buffalo at prime starting position at their own-42, the world is Bills' oyster and he's ready to make some crab cakes. Los Angeles brings the monster blitz on two straight plays, which works out nicely in their favor as Buffalo suddenly faces a strange 3rd-and-10 play. With two minutes to go, Bills' pass to Lofton is handily broken up, and the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum lets out a breath of sewage-infested air when there's not a flag in sight. Of course, Buffalo opts for a fourth down play with more than a minute and a half to go. Bills goes to his go-to guy in Reed, and I'll tell you, if I ever find out who that corner is that keeps falling down, I'm going to buy him a new pair of Reeboks gosh darn it! Reed trucks it out to the Los Angeles 8-yard line, where the Raiders surprisingly stand solid on the next set of downs, despite giving up more than a minute. Norwood sneaks out of the pen and boots it in from 21 yards out, but the only one calling him a hero is his new pair of underpants.

Buffalo leads 24-21

With just 22 seconds remaining, the Raiders go for the sure thing and use up the Allen up-the-middle run. It's make or break time for Allen, and he breaks the hearts of true-blue Tecmoers everywhere when he runs into his own line for no gain. One play later, and Schroeder's pass to Jackson near mid-field is batted away as the clock winds down on another bull shit win by the Bills.

Final Score: Bills 24, Raiders 21

I promised myself to be fair and impartial in my retelling of this epic contest, but even I am not worthy of holding up promises to when it comes to Buffalo's vanquishing of teams that are admittedly inferior but would otherwise be infinitely more exciting to see in the postseason. We can take some solace in the fact that if Andre Reed were removed from the equation today, the Raiders would be paving their way to a rare position in the AFC playoffs. Unfortunately, just like the setting sun or your boss' condescending glare, Reed will always be there pulling down impossible passes from QB Bills and making defenders fall down in their own stupid intimidation. Los Angeles has made it interesting with their midseason surge, and if they can keep up efforts like Allen's, we may still see them after all in the next few weeks. Meanwhile, if Buffalo broke off and was claimed by Canada, I wouldn't mind if we also threw in some Cold Stone ice cream to sweeten the deal.

 

Week Six: Hunker Down

It seems that much has changed since we started this thing, but there's a long road still ahead. Some teams have come to find this out already, while others are using it to their advantage and building up some steady comebacks to get back into the thick of the hunt. It's usually at this point of the season where the favorites start sticking their necks out, but up until now only a few of those teams are still in that same position and even those teams don't exude confidence. There's no point in being flashy any longer, as the only goal should be to hunker down and win. And while that plan isn't always so easy, it remains good news for the 49ers, whose bye week assures them that they'll stay out of the loss column for the first time in four weeks.

1:00 Games

Buffalo (3-2) at Kansas City (2-3)

The Chiefs returned to an Okoye-heavy offense, as he took 9 rushes for 80 yards and a score. Buffalo answered with a Thurman-heavy offense, however, as he took the ball for 106 yards and scored a touchdown in the 4th quarter to go ahead for good. Buffalo may have won, but their stats didn't tell the story of a dominant team. Fortunately for them, dominance won't be a requirement to beat the Colts next week; keeping Jeff George in the game, however, will be.

Final Score: Bills 17, Chiefs 13

Indianapolis (2-3) at Pittsburgh (1-3)

For those of you who enjoy segues, Indianapolis and Jeff George played down to their abilities here, with only 76 passing yards and 4 interceptions. Bubby Brister didn't have to be spectacular, but his 250 yards and no picks did give Steelers fans hopes that their season may not be a bust quite yet. On that same token, the Colts did win two games to start the season, but you'd have to be a fool or Clarence Verdin to think they'd continue that streak.

Final Score: Steelers 27, Colts 14

Miami (3-2) at New England (1-4)

The Dolphins needed a win here to pull in line with Buffalo, but apparently they thought they needed two as they drubbed the hapless Patriots with 52 points. Perhaps inspired by the return of Mark Clayton, Miami and Dan Marino put up 337 passing yards and 19 first downs. Steve Grogan, on the other hand, put his resume up on Monster.com after throwing 3 picks and barely cracking 100 yards passing. The Dolphins are showing the confidence and poise that the Bills are lacking now, which is saying a lot for a bunch of pixelated computer icons.

Final Score: Dolphins 52, Patriots 7

Detroit (1-4) at Minnesota (4-1)

In this highly touted NFC Central showdown, the Lions took Minnesota to the wire looking for their second win. Rodney Peete passed for a modest 184 yards but tossed up two touchdowns to one interception, while Barry Sanders ran around the field for 95 yards. Unfortunately for them, they're the Lions, and even more unfortunate is the fact that the Vikings have been on the lucky end of some questionable scores. They take the NFC Central lead for the time being here, and nobody is more surprised than coach Jerry Burns and Herschel Walker's agent.

Final Score: Vikings 17, Lions 14

Cincinnati (2-2) at Seattle (4-1)

Boomer Esiason weaved together a tale filled with such precise detail and inveterate quality that even the most critical of literary scholars had to take a step back and acknowledge his ability to tell a story with the sort of grace and stylistic perfection that only he is capable of, with his 90% completion rate and 265 yards to no interceptions. Unfortunately for those who follow him on Twitter, this type of lyrical accomplishment is nowhere to be found in his actual writing abilities.

Final Score: Bengals 30, Seahawks 10

Houston (4-0) at Denver (3-2)

The Oilers came off their bye with their undefeated streak in tow, but immediately ran into a white-hot Denver team that pulled within a half-game of first place in a tight win at home. As predicted, Warren Moon and John Elway played very similar games, but it was the defense of Denver that made the difference in this game, only allowing Lorenzo White to rush for 20 yds. David Treadwell also made a difference with his three field goals (including the game-winner), but we've been told by his mother that she's the only one allowed to heap praise upon her baby boy.

Final Score: Broncos 16, Oilers 14

New York Giants (2-3) at Phoenix (1-4)

The Giants marched into the desert of Phoenix with a shot at getting back to .500 after an 0-3 start, and just barely clutched the win from the jaws of defeat with a blocked Al Del Greco extra point. Johnny Johnson ran wild again for around 100 yards while Timm Rosenbach outplayed Phil Simms with 190 yards passing and a few scores. Needless to say, Del Greco was in need of a new wardrobe after discovering a few presents in his locker after the game.

Final Score: Giants 28, Cardinals 27

4:00 Games

L.A. Raiders (2-3) at San Diego (4-1)

It may be said that San Diego's cause never had a chance, when Marion Butts went out in the first quarter and still finished with the team lead in rushing yards. L.A. somehow finds themselves back in the race after a big day from Jay Schroeder, who tossed an unfathomable 83% completion rate. The Raiders showed their power on the ground as well with a combined 122 yards rushing from their two-headed demon, and suddenly the 'Black Hole' is no longer being used as a reference to the Raiders' postseason chances at this time each year.

Final Score: Raiders 31, Chargers 13

New York Jets (1-4) at Cleveland (2-2)

The Jets are quietly having a horrible season, and the Browns smartly took advantage of that here with a convincing win at home. QB Browns kept Mike Pagel's pager quiet with 264 passing yards and no picks, while Webster Slaughter's 122 receiving yards killed the Jets' chances at making any headway in their incredibly difficult division. Ken O.Brien has to be hoping that their futility remains to go unnoticed, but his 69 yards passing to 3 interceptions speaks about as loudly as the Jets' namesake over old Shea stadium.

Final Score: Browns 34, Jets 14

Philadelphia (4-1) at Tampa Bay (2-3)

The Eagles had a chance to stay tied with Minnesota among the league's best records with what seemed like a walk-through here, but Tampa Bay put up 14 points in the fourth quarter to pull it out and continue to be the league's nagging pests. Nobody is more upset than Keith Byars, who could have walked away a winner despite his team-leading 39 rushing yards. With the loss, however, the disappearance of QB Eagles in the rushing game once again becomes a factor to be discussed ad nauseum on Sportscenter.

Final Score: Buccaneers 21, Eagles 17

Washington (3-2) at Chicago (4-1)

Despite being up against a Redskins' defense that was ranked 26th against the run, Chicago couldn't score a touchdown. Neal Anderson was either abducted by aliens or missed his cab, as Jim Harbaugh led the team in rushing with just one 23-yard sprint. Mark Rypien kept his non-interception-less streak going with another pick here, and while this saddens us to no end, it appears the rest of Washington is content with his otherwise effective play as he led his team to victory and a share in the NFC East lead.

Final Score: Redskins 20, Bears 6

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Tomorrow night we return to Green Bay for their second featured game of the season. Before you accuse us of small-town midwestern bias, please be assured that this was the only scenario that would allow us to feature a new team while also not subjecting you to a coma-inducing meaningless mid-season contest (not to point any fingers, Freeman McNiel). Dallas watched both Philadelphia lose and Washington win, and with the Giants hot on their tails need a win here to pull into a three-way tie. While we don't think that Troy Aikman is necessarily scared of Don Majkowski and his hair-preference, we do think that Bob Nelson provides him with enough nightmares that not only must he sleep with a nightlight, but also with a den of trained Dobermans circling his bed.

Week Five: Where the Big Boys Play

This week we bring out the big guns and pit a few 3-1 teams against each other, for your collective pleasure, of course. In addition, the other games are sure to provide exciting storylines and interesting water-cooler talk. It's the time of the season where the fresh, new football smell has worn off and teams are getting down and dirty. Though it may be too early for playoff predictions, we can all agree that even with the entire AFC Central off today, Warren Moon will still be away from his children for yet another Christmas.

1:00 Games

Jay Schroeder just knows how to win.

L.A. Raiders (1-3) at San Francisco (1-3)

Hot off their Monday night win just a week ago, the Raiders marched into San Francisco, and marched out wiping Joe Montana off their jerseys. Winless just a week ago, the Raiders now have two big inter-conference victories under their belts. Although Bo Jackson was a bit more silent, Joe Schroeder screamed his way into relevance with 205 passing yards and no interceptions for the first time since he was picked next-to-last in his son's flag football league.

Final Score: Raiders 24, 49ers 17

Indianapolis (2-2) at Seattle (3-1)

The Seahawks represented their tough division well here in stifling the Colts, who badly needed a win to keep their Cinderella season on solid ground. Seattle's defense returned, holding Indianapolis to a goose egg in the last two quarters of play and picking Jeff George off 4 times. Dave Krieg wasn't his all-star self, with only 73 yards of passing, but his defense kept him in the game long enough to sign his Playgirl cover shoots on the sidelines.

Final Score: Seahawks 20, Colts 10

New York Giants (1-3) at Dallas (3-1)

The New York Football Giants entered the hostile environment of their divisional rivals in Dallas, and outscored them 9-0 in the fourth quarter to pull out a huge win. Phil Simms earned his job for another week with an 83% connection rate and 235 yards passing, while Babe Laufenberg stood on the sidelines having his jock re-fitted after Troy Aikman only threw 89 yards and two picks. The Giants are still playing with a handicap, but now that handicap is no longer known as David Meggett.

Final Score: Giants 23, Dallas 14

Nobody is more upset about this injury than John Stephens

New England (1-3) at Phoenix (0-4)

The Patriots once again played the remedy to a winless team's ailments, and let Johnny Johnson run all over them for 158 yards on 15 attempts. In comparison, the Patriots two running backs have a total of 157 yards on the year, and that's not going to get any better with John Stephens getting knocked out early in this one. We picked the Patriots to only win 2 games this year, and even with one win under their belt we still think that may have been too optimistic.

Final Score: Cardinals 27, Patriots 6

New Orleans (1-3) at Atlanta (0-4)

Atlanta keeps the winning streak alive for the winless teams with a statement victory here over the Saints. Chris Miller was a man possessed with 248 yards and a few TDs to no interceptions, but perhaps Mike Rozier had a few more spirits consuming his soul as he rushed for an un-Rozier-like 110 yards on 11 attempts and a score to increase his season total yardage 150%. With the playing abilities shown today by Atlanta, they may have enough to finish ahead of the 49ers this season.

Final Score: Falcons 31, Saints 14

Too bad Humphrey can't kick extra points, too

Denver (3-1) at Minnesota (3-1)

The first of our big boy match-ups of the day, Denver visited Minnesota during a balmy, Indian-summer type of day, and were suddenly scalped by a late score to lose by one point, souring Bobby Humphrey's triumphant return. Wade Wilson and John Elway put up almost exactly similar numbers, hence the score, and the Vikings have now won four straight after a huge dinosaur turd of a performance to begin the season against Chicago. We're thinking Minnesota is here for real, but that would mean admitting that a Super Bowl-caliber team is one that includes Rick Fenney on the roster.

Final Score: Vikings 21, Broncos 20

Miami (2-2) at New York Jets (1-3)

It was a showdown of the two teams nobody pays attention to in the AFC East, and it lived up the the anti-hype. Mark Clayton went out before halftime with some sort of an injury, but the Dolphins were just fine without him, putting up 20 points in the fourth quarter and handily beating their little brothers in the division. Marino was super with 257 yards, and Mark Duper was super-duper with 120 yards receiving, but what this all means is that we'll just be let down that much more when Buffalo beats the 'Phins for the crown yet again.

Final Score: Dolphins 34, Jets 10

 4:00 Games

Detroit (1-3) at Tampa Bay (1-3)

Tampa Bay didn't need much help in this thumping of Detroit, but Rodney Peete did his best anyway with two picks and only 132 yards of passing. Vinny Testaverde had his best game yet with a 72% completion rate, but he was decidedly overshadowed by Reggie Cobb, who may or may not have had family in attendance when he ran 12 times for 120 yards. Cobb had two more touchdowns in this game than Barry Sanders has all season, but we're not telling you something you didn't already know.

Final Score: Buccaneers 27, Lions 14

Somewhere in the crowd, Norwood is cowering

Buffalo (3-1) at Chicago (3-1)

It was a battle of division leaders, but the divisions that they lead offer decidedly different challenges. Nonetheless, the Bears escaped with one here at home, keeping pace with Minnesota behind 105 Neal Anderson yards and 14 fourth quarter points. The Bills were even more powerful on offense, however, with Thurman Thomas slashing a stout Bears run defense for 158 yards, but with Scott Norwood booting the balls, even the best team can still lose by a missed extra point or two.

Final Score: Bears 28, Bills 27

Washington (3-1) at Philadelphia (3-1)

This was the premiere late-afternoon match-up, and the game offered some surprising firsts that we're ashamed to say we missed. First, Mark Rypien threw up his first pick of the year, and then threw up another for good measure to keep the Redskins out of the increasingly important win column. Secondly, the Eagles won with no rushing yards whatsoever from QB Eagles, leading us to believe that either he has hamstring issues, or Jim McMahon has had him tied up in the locker room the past few weeks in nothing but boxer shorts covered in little red hearts.

Final Score: Eagles 24, Redskins 17

Tecmo Sports News: Less Flash, More Cleveland Gary

Green Bay (3-1) at Los Angeles Rams (3-1)

The original write-up for this match indicated that both teams were horrible on paper, but somehow had enough to win the games they needed to. While Green Bay lived up to that analysis, the Rams, behind Jim Everett, blew those theories out of the water for good with 328 passing yards. Henry Ellard took down 5 passes for 140 yards, while the Los Angeles defense held the Packers to a total of 38 yards rushing. The Rams separate themselves even further from San Francisco, and if my print screen function goes down before I see the Division Champions screen plastered with John Robinson's shit-eating grin, I might choke a bitch.

Final Score: Rams 45, Packers 27

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Our apologies to all those Kansas City/San Diego fans waiting for their teams' turns in the spotlight tonight. Scheduling conflicts led to us pushing the Week 5 breakdown a day later into Monday Night Football territory, and so the AFC West battle will have to be pushed back as well. We did have a chance to travel in a wormhole to see the future, and you won't be let down by this showcase (especially if you're into watching Barry Word chug for 2.1 yards per carry every other play). A win by Kansas City will put them back into the thick of the hunt, but if they can't stop the Chargers here they might as well cash in their chips and send Steve De Berg on a nice vacation to an isolated desert island unreachable by Chiefs fans and Marty Schottenheimer.

Nobody said it was easy to be De Berg

Looking Ahead: Week Five

It's Week Five, folks. We called Week Two "Separation Sunday", where the 1-0s tried to move farther from the 0-1s. Things didn't go as we predicted, of course, as Tecmo never does. Maybe we jumped the gun; however, I don't admit to mistakes. And I don't look back. Neither will the teams presented in this docket of games. There are some teams that have had a few roadblocks, and others that haven't been playing up to their potential. But with Week 5 here already, it's time for some of those teams to break out from the pack. I'm looking at you, New Orleans.

Schroeder doesn't understand golf scoring, either

The first slate of games are sure to kick off the short-listed schedule off with a bang. The Los Angeles Raiders travel just a few miles north to San Francisco, hot off a blowout win against Atlanta. The 49ers, meanwhile, haven't had a breather since their Week One win, losing three in a row and falling behind the Rams early on. They're still favored over the faltering Raiders, with their fourth-ranked run defense up against the two-headed demon known as Bo and Marcus. Who will give in first? We're going with Jay Schroeder's rubber band arm.

Another early game to watch will be the Colts marching to the great Northwest Territory to battle the Seahawks. The Colts started off strong, but lost a shocker in Detroit to put them at 2-2. Being that we're huge Albert Bentley supporters (in the fan sense), we're hoping they're not petering out already, and this match-up against the 3-1 Seahawks will most likely be the litmus test of the Colts' staying power. The AFC West, meanwhile, has been one of the best divisions early on, and Seattle can't trip up here if they want to keep up with Denver and San Diego. Like two Cy Young pitchers going in a do-or-die game, Dave Krieg and Jeff George will need to be the leaders to take their team to the next level, or in George's case, to take to the hair-grafting clinic.

It will also be hard to look away from the Giants in Dallas, as they try to continue their comeback tour against a divisional rival that has been surprisingly dominant. Two other surprising 3-1 teams collide in the Twin Cities as the Broncos visit the Vikings. We think only one of these teams is for real, and if you need a clue, the team that will win will be the one with a quarterback that went on to win two Super Bowls and become a successful Vice President of his team, and not the one that got busted for using HGH.

Note: There are 28 more Pro 'Running Backs' after No.2

The late afternoon games are all about heavy hitters locking up and settling some bets. Three of the four games feature teams that are all 3-1 (a combined 18-6 record), while the odd game out will probably get cancelled due to a Ringling Bros. Circus coming to town. We can't tell which one will provide the most playoff implications, but perhaps the one with the NFC East divisional leaders will provide the most coke dealers. We're hoping for a return to glory for QB Eagles, but if he's overshadowed by Mark Rypien, well, we know we won't be able to blame the guy.

With Sunday Night games cancelled until the bye weeks are over, we move to Monday Night Football, and a key AFC West match-up in San Diego. The Chargers stumbled last week after a quick 3-0 start, while the Chiefs lost as well for the second time in a row. If De Berg was looking for a breakout game, there couldn't be a more perfect time than in South Cali against a divisional rival that's currently in the lead. We're thinking this game will come down to the Nightmare from Nigeria versus the man named Butts, and with Kansas City's defense, and the inability for most of the Chargers to point out Nigeria on a map, we say advantage: Chiefs. We had Kansas City winning the Wild West, with San Diego only eking out 5 wins, and so the Chiefs will need to buck up. Otherwise, I'll be spending the rest of the week wiping egg yolk out of my eyebrows.

Hitting Power 88 = 88 mangled defenders

But don't take my word for it; here are the standings, as read by a bunch of loud-mouthed children:

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AFC

NFC

Byes: Houston Oilers, Cleveland Browns, Cincinnati Bengals, Pittsburgh Steelers