Week Fifteen: Champagne Wishes, Infirmary Dreams

Like many an opposing quarterback, the pieces of Anthony Pleasant's broken rib puzzle are beginning to fall into place in Week 15. Many teams are one or two steps away from postseason promises and January dreams fulfilled. Eight teams are already out of the running, with a few more hanging dangerously close off the precipice. While some are in control of their own destinies, there are a select few hanging on to hopes of a fractured Chris Miller fibula or Warren Moon concussion to stay alive. Let's take a look at who's flowers and balloons will find a home in the infirmary after this week.

 

1:00 Games

Miami (9-3-1) * L.A. Raiders (6-7) 

With the Chargers playing in what may feel like their own backyard, the Raiders see their hopes for a miraculous division surge come toppling down in the end. Despite outplaying the Dolphins throughout the majority of the game, the loss of Eric Dickerson right after halftime spelled doom for Los Angeles, as even an underwhelming Dan Marino performance of 190 yards and a pick was enough to earn Miami a few cases of bubbly, courtesy of Stan Humphries.

Final Score: Dolphins 24, Raiders 20

San Diego (9-4) * Cincinnati (6-7)

The Chargers were already in celebratory mode with a coasting victory over Cincinnati, but when the clock hit triple-0 in Miami they knew it was time to party. The Bengals are bounced from the AFC Central race with the loss, allowing themselves to be run over by Rod Bernstine for 126 yards on just 12 carries. Boomer Esiason was a one-man rally killer for his team, throwing 3 picks to let a close game unravel in the end. The Chargers are the first lucky crew to see their names in 8-bit monochromatic, pixellated glory. 

Final Score: Chargers 28, Bengals 14

Indianapolis (3-10) * N.Y. Jets (7-5-1)

In what was, at one time, a two-team race in the AFC East, the Jets lose their fourth game in five attempts to have the final threads of their AFC East divisional hopes severed. One way to highlight the fact that you're a team of also-rans is to be beaten senseless by a team that at one point had lost 10 straight. Jeff George had his way with the normally stout Jets' defense, tossing up 264 yards with no interceptions. And somehow, the 10-game losing streak looks less offensive than Browning Nagle's 27% completion and just 89 yards. 

Final Score: Colts 31, Jets 20

Atlanta (10-3) * Tampa Bay (5-8)

Tampa Bay kept things tight with Atlanta all the way into overtime, with Vinny lobbing up 266 yards, 71 to his back-up running back in Anthony McDowell. Meanwhile, Chris Miller moved from dark horse to favorite in the MVP talks with another huge day of 366 yards, though Keith Jones was the fantasy darling with 202 yards receiving. Their victory does double duty of keeping the Rams from repeating in the West, while also delivering upon Tampa Bay a one-way ticket to a prolonged Christmas vacation. 

Final Score: Falcons 27, Buccaneers 24 (OT)

Detroit (4-9) * Cleveland (6-7)

The Browns pick up another big win against an unpredictable Lions squad that very well could have sent them packing to the promised land. Barry Sanders had a solid day of 92 yards rushing, though he was a man apart from his team with Rodney Peete's poor performance of just 114 yards with a pick. Mike Tomczak played like the elite quarterback he always insisted he was, chucking 229 yards with a 76% completion percentage, keeping the Browns in the hunt.

Final Score: Browns 28, Lions 7

Washington (7-6) * Dallas (9-4)

The biggest game of the early grouping had Washington come out the victors, defending their honor in a tough divisional battle behind a strong defense and Mark Rypien's return to prominence, throwing nearly perfect for 236 yards. The impenetrable duo of Troy Aikman and Emmitt Smith were stymied, combining for just 175 yards between them, and suddenly Washington is back in the race to defend their crown. And after what occurred last season, we're ready to go all in with any remaining chips from Ricky Sanders' Vegas bender.

Final Score: Redskins 31, Cowboys 7

Buffalo (8-5) * Denver (5-8)

In a game that was more important for Denver to win than for Buffalo to lose, John Elway succumbed to the pressure and returned to his early season slump. Though his 283 yards bested Jim Kelly's unsurprisingly lackluster 166, his proclivity for picks kept his Broncos from keeping up with the Bills. Denver falls out of a race they had no business being in, while the Bills are suddenly back in one we counted them out of after racking up their fifth win in a row.

Final Score: Bills 29, Broncos 17

Green Bay (4-9) * Houston (9-4)

The ill-experienced Packers had a big ticket to punch with Houston, and in a game that Favre needed to be at his boyishly brilliant best he succumbed to the big lights and threw up 2 picks with just 219 yards. Warren Moon's 90% completion and 300-yard barrier busting all but cemented him the passing crown, and their win has the presses stopped on Cleveland's improbable Division Champions t-shirt run. Houston is heating up at just the right time for a Tecmo Bowl repeat.

Final Score: Oilers 38, Packers 22

New Orleans (9-4) * L.A. Rams (7-6)

After feasting on their own division for much of the second half of the season, the Rams lost their bite after seeing Atlanta's win on the scoreboard. New Orleans squeaked by despite all of Bobby Hebert's attempts at throwing away a second game, this time fighting for just 112 yards aside from an eye-popping 5 interceptions. The Saints keep at Atlanta's heels, though their early-season thrusting has their tanks dangerously crossing over the 'E' line at perhaps the worst time for their surprising season.

Final Score: Saints 16, Rams 14

4:00 Games

Philadelphia (9-4) * Seattle (4-9)

The Eagles floated to a win in their late game with Dallas losing earlier on, claiming sole possession of first despite dozing through the Seahawks behind Randall Cunningham's 133 yards and 2 interceptions. His somnambulist line looked downright inspired next to Zombie Gelbaugh's own 65 yards and 3 picks, leading some in the Seattle press to think he's taking money under the table from Dan McGwire. With the win, the Eagles take the reins of their own destiny around the final curve of the season.

Final Score: Eagles 19, Seahawks 7

Kansas City (3-10) * New England (3-10)

The AFC sewer rats collide in the muck and grime of this late season affair, and in the end the Patriots spare us with a late field goal to win. The bright spot that continues to burn into the diseased flesh of New England is Kevin Turner, who picked up 97 yards on the ground and another 117 in the air. A man who plays this hard on a team destined to nest beneath the trash at the bottom of a subway rail says a lot about resolve and responsibility, something Dave Krieg could pay a portion of his enormous salary to learn about.

Final Score: Patriots 31, Chiefs 28

San Francisco (8-5) * Minnesota (9-4)

It was a contest we could see in the postseason, though the Vikings wouldn't like to admit it. With everyone from Tom Rathman, who ran 103 yards on just 13 attempts, to Steve Young to even the 49ers' underestimated defense rolling over Minnesota, it was a lopsided effort that shows one team ready to take over the playoffs and another oblivious to the fact that it's only a few short weeks away. The Vikings go back to regroup, their eyes a little more fixed on the Monday Night game to commence tomorrow.

Final Score: 49ers 31, Vikings 7

Phoenix (2-11) * N.Y. Giants (4-9)

The Giants looked like the team playing for a playoff position a season ago with Jeff Hostetler finally waking up before the game to throw 291 yards and completing 76% of his passes. Phoenix removed their world-beater masks early on in this one, a week removed from stalling San Diego in their quest for a championship. The Cardinals reverted to their woeful ways with Chandler throwing picks and third-stringer Larry Centers leading the rushing attack, clinching the one thing nobody doubted they'd clinch this season: last place in the NFC East.

Final Score: Giants 24, Cardinals 16

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The Bears and Steelers are two teams of angry, brutish men fighting for a glass slipper. Cinderella representations from their respective Central divisions, these two meet in a late season battle that leaves the winner with a great chance at some great things in the postseason. The loser, on the other hand, will have to keep the night alive as long as possible before watching any hopes they've developed over their own late-season surge turn back into the rotten pumpkin they started the year with. The Bears have been victims of three separate blowouts, while Pittsburgh's greatest margin of victory during their exciting six-game streak was only 7. Something's going to give in our Monday Night contest, and as long as it's not Barry Foster's sternum when Mike Singletary runs headlong into him, the Steelers have a good chance to be asked to the ball by a handsome prince.

Monday Night Football: Buffalo vs L.A. Raiders

Also a great combo: french fries and mayonnaise

Thought we'd forgotten about you sixteen Buffalo Bills fans out there, eh? Yes, it's been a while since we put the Bills in our spotlight, and during that time they've flown under the radar into prime positioning in the AFC. Out on the west coast, Los Angeles has done their best to muddle up their division, even as Jay Schroeder continues giving his coaches aneurysms. The Raiders play host to the surging Bills, and even with the playoff implications involved it still looks like a one-sided affair on paper. Hopefully L.A. will keep Bo and Marcus enticed long enough with endorsements and book deals that they'll actually bust through the porous Buffalo defense for an upset win at home.

Casualty No. 3662 in the Bills-Reed murder rampage

Quarter One
Just as we start to consider giving the Bills the benefit of Japanese programming-induced doubt, they go ahead and win the coin toss, those shitbricks. Anyway, things start looking up for Los Angeles right away as they're able to actually bat away a pass to James Lofton and stonewall Thurman Thomas for no gain on second down. On third down, or what Buffalo calls "second-and-a-half" down, QB Bills avoids an all-out Raiders blitz and finds Andre Reed at the Los Angeles 37-yard line. Two plays later, he connects with Reed again, whose souped-up skills cause his defender to freeze and fall down, letting Reed waltz into the end zone for a score.

Buffalo leads 7-0

From their own 29-yard line, the Raiders go with the popular "keep the ball the fuck away from Jay Schroeder" play by handing it to Marcus Allen, who bobs and weaves for 17 yards. They follow this up with the far less popular "meh, what's the worst that could happen?" play by letting Schroeder lob it up to two Buffalo defenders--the only two defenders that have ever simultaneously intercepted a ball in Tecmo history, at least to my knowledge.

On the Bills next drive, they start conservative with a Jamie Mueller run for one yard. Once again, Lofton is denied participation in Buffalo's skullduggery, and so on 3rd-and-9 he goes for skullfuckery instead with a reception up the middle for 22 yards. One play later, Bills finds Reed wide open in the end zone for some reason, and Buffalo's only up by two touchdowns on two possessions.

Buffalo leads 14-0

Los Angeles gets another shot from their own 36. Schroeder drops back to pass, but smartly turns it into a run play instead when he dumps it off to Allen, who's able to hustle it out 30 yards to the Buffalo 34-yard line. A wave of Buffalo washes over Schroeder on the next play, dropping him back 9 yards, but Allen makes that up and more with a 25-yard run to the Buffalo 18-yard line as the quarter expires.

Despite his absence, this play was all-Schroeder

Quarter Two
In a play that can only be described as "average for a normal NFL offense", Schroeder threads the football up the middle to Allen of all people for an 18-yard touchdown reception.

Buffalo leads 14-7

Mississippi State's own Don Smith is injured on the run-back for Buffalo, bringing Kenneth Davis off his all-important "towel and Gatorade" duty as the new returner. Buffalo runs a rare three-and-out play sequence, and I nearly missed it during my undressing-with-the-eyes of that cheerleader on the 35-yard line.

Tim Brown returns the punted football to the Raiders' 20-yard line, a good spot to set up the soap box derby car that is Marcus Allen. He races down field on the first two plays for 15 yards, but Coach Art Shell quickly puts on the brakes before he catches flames, and sends his quarterback some passing signals. The first one is a failed pass to Mervyn Fernandez, while the next two don't even get off the ground when Schroeder loses yardage on two sacks.

Buffalo makes things interesting with a nearly blocked punt of USFL heartthrob Jeff Gossett. Al Edwards returns the punt to the Buffalo 13-yard line with about a minute and a half to go in the quarter. Thurman Thomas does his best Jamie Mueller impression with a 5-yard run that takes up about 30 seconds as he bops a few defenders, while Mueller does his best QB Bills impression by cowering from the onslaught of silver and black headed his way. On 3rd-and-6, Thomas picks up the first down, but now there's just under a minute to go. The Raiders taste the upper eastern-seaboard blood in the water, and take charge with two straight blitzes. The second one is blown up, however, when Bills rocket launches the ball to a wide-open Thomas, who choo-choos his way down to the Los Angeles 16-yard line. With just 8 seconds left, the Bills open the gate from which Scott Norton bursts forth. Just 8 seconds later, however, something else on Norton bursts forth when his kick shanks off the right upright and Buffalo is denied a 10-point lead at the half.

Anyone else notice 'NORWOOD' is just two letters away from 'NO GOOD'?

Halftime - Bills 14, Raiders 7

Quarter Three
The Raiders get another opportunity with the kickoff, and Brown sets his team up at the 38-yard line. Marcus Allen continues to bear the load with 20 yards on two more carries. Luckily Schroeder lifts the heavy weight off of his shoulders when his pass to Willie Gault is easily picked off around the Buffalo 25-yard line.

QB Bills unpackages his gift possession with a sloppy out-of-bounds throw, followed by an 11-yard loss from a Scott Davis sack. On 3rd-and-21, Howie Long plunges his square jaw into Bills' midsection, dropping him for another 10-yards. Rick Tuten is on to punt from 5 yards inside his own end zone, and due to the help of some Kentucky Bourbon and PEDs, he's able to rack the punt for 85 yards.

How Allen made white rubber dishwashing gloves famous

From their own 37-yard line, Schroeder hitches his team up to his rotting apple cart as he throws a pass to some Japanese photogs on the sideline. He makes up for it with a 12-yard run to midfield for the first down, however, a good time to unleash Ro-Bo Jackson, who'd apparently been encountering some prior technical difficulties. Jackson takes his first carry 43 yards down to the Buffalo 7-yard line, but like a Motorola cell phone battery immediately needs to be recharged. Schroeder drops back to pass, and with four receivers open he opts for that one dude with the spikes coming out of his neck in the second row. On second down, Allen is served up the ball, and he runs it in for his second touchdown of the day.

Score tied 14-14

Doesn't L.A. know there's no kneeling in Tecmo?

The third of four quarters slowly and lazily winds down with Buffalo taking possession of the football and immediately scoring on a 72-catch and run play from Bills to Reed. Although I just wrote this sentence, I swear I am not into rape or torture. Just a little harmless BDSM.

Buffalo leads 21-14

Quarter Four
With an entire five minutes at their disposal, Coach Shell sends out his best personification of said disposal with Schroeder scrambling and getting sacked twice in a row. Marcus Allen bails him out with a run up the middle to the 50-yard line, racking up some fool-making commission along the way. The drive stalls with another batted away pass to Fernandez and a run from Bo Jackson that can't burst around the edge. Facing 3rd-and-8, Fernandez finally makes his own play happen when he runs back to an underthrown Schroeder pass and then proceeds to miraculously jog down to the Buffalo 9-yard line. One play later, and Jackson is in on the party with a run up the middle to paydirt.

Score tied 21-21

The Buffalo Bills being butthole bastards. Alliteration!

With a robust 2:22 remaining and Buffalo at prime starting position at their own-42, the world is Bills' oyster and he's ready to make some crab cakes. Los Angeles brings the monster blitz on two straight plays, which works out nicely in their favor as Buffalo suddenly faces a strange 3rd-and-10 play. With two minutes to go, Bills' pass to Lofton is handily broken up, and the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum lets out a breath of sewage-infested air when there's not a flag in sight. Of course, Buffalo opts for a fourth down play with more than a minute and a half to go. Bills goes to his go-to guy in Reed, and I'll tell you, if I ever find out who that corner is that keeps falling down, I'm going to buy him a new pair of Reeboks gosh darn it! Reed trucks it out to the Los Angeles 8-yard line, where the Raiders surprisingly stand solid on the next set of downs, despite giving up more than a minute. Norwood sneaks out of the pen and boots it in from 21 yards out, but the only one calling him a hero is his new pair of underpants.

Buffalo leads 24-21

With just 22 seconds remaining, the Raiders go for the sure thing and use up the Allen up-the-middle run. It's make or break time for Allen, and he breaks the hearts of true-blue Tecmoers everywhere when he runs into his own line for no gain. One play later, and Schroeder's pass to Jackson near mid-field is batted away as the clock winds down on another bull shit win by the Bills.

Final Score: Bills 24, Raiders 21

I promised myself to be fair and impartial in my retelling of this epic contest, but even I am not worthy of holding up promises to when it comes to Buffalo's vanquishing of teams that are admittedly inferior but would otherwise be infinitely more exciting to see in the postseason. We can take some solace in the fact that if Andre Reed were removed from the equation today, the Raiders would be paving their way to a rare position in the AFC playoffs. Unfortunately, just like the setting sun or your boss' condescending glare, Reed will always be there pulling down impossible passes from QB Bills and making defenders fall down in their own stupid intimidation. Los Angeles has made it interesting with their midseason surge, and if they can keep up efforts like Allen's, we may still see them after all in the next few weeks. Meanwhile, if Buffalo broke off and was claimed by Canada, I wouldn't mind if we also threw in some Cold Stone ice cream to sweeten the deal.

 

Week Fifteen: The Lost Weekend

What more can be said about week fifteen other than it seems to be like the lost weekend before Christmas: it's often overlooked and can sneak up on you faster than Wayne Haddix's sonar. This year seems to be a bit different, however, as in our most recent The Tecmo Bowl season we only have two division champions, those also being the only teams guaranteed playoff berths right now. That will all hopefully change after this week, when the deck is shuffled, dropped on the floor and only Pat Beach is left picking up the cards. Let's peer into the looking glass to see which of those cards Beach didn't slip back into his trousers.

 

1:00 Games

Green Bay (6-6-1) at Chicago (7-6)

Chicago drops back to .500 and will have to continue fighting all the way to the end to stay in the playoffs. To their credit, they held the Packers to only 12 yards rushing, but were ransacked by Mr. Majkowski through the air for 323 yards and a few touchdowns to bring him back to relevancy. Harbaugh was downright stinky, and if the Bears have any decency they'll keep these kinds of stats out of the playoffs altogether. Unfortunately that'd also mean a Brad Muster-less postseason, which I've heard is akin to a New Year's Eve party where everyone fell asleep at 10 P.M.

Final Score: Packers 27, Bears 7

Tampa Bay (6-7) at Minnesota (11-2)

The Vikings use their late-season bye to bounce back from an embarrassing loss to Detroit and stomp all over Tampa Bay, ultimately booting them from the playoff party. Wade Wilson was an efficient 60% for 210 yards and no picks, while Rick Fenney led the rushing attack with 78 yards. Anthony Carter had a robust 102 yards receiving on only 2 receptions, and all of a sudden the Vikings aren't only scary for Al Noga's fashion.

Final Score: Vikings 27, Buccaneers 13

The enigmatic auto-play scoreboard

Miami (9-4) at Cincinnati (6-7)

Boomer's Bengals climb back onto the bubble in the AFC with a huge upset win of the Dolphins behind a near perfect game from Esiason and James Brooks, who had 103 yards rushing on the ground. Dan Marino was stellar as well with 325 yards through the air, but he couldn't keep his team from dropping precariously backwards in the AFC East race. With the Phins acting perhaps as the rabbit, we can finally see why everyone makes all those Jim Kelly/tortoise comparisons.

Final Score: Bengals 42, Dolphins 28

N.Y. Jets (4-9) at Detroit (3-10)
In a game that not even Ken O.Brien's grandmother cared about, the Lions continued clawing into relevance with a big offensive game--and this time we're not talking about Rodney Peete's performance. Peete still had 2 picks, but his 291 yards added on to Barry Sanders' 132 yards rushing had Detroit roaring to their fourth win. Meanwhile, Blair Thomas' meager 40 yards had the Jets roaring into the pavement, running on fumes.

Final Score: Lions 27, Jets 17

Cleveland (5-8) at Denver (8-5)
Jerry Kauric's leg gives the Browns a rare one-up in this strange rivalry, pulling the Broncos out of first place for the time being while also pumping a breath of fresh air in the Browns' unrealistic playoff hopes. QB Browns and John Elway were eerily similar with their 245 yards and 2 picks, and with a combined 145 rushing yards I'm led to believe the late field goal was more of a sigh of relief that the game actually ended.

Final Score: Browns 24, Broncos 21

San Diego (8-5) at Kansas City (5-8)
The Chargers' 14 point comeback in the 4th quarter brought them into first place, despite B.J. Tolliver's clearly hungover 115 passing yards. Luckily for him, Steve DeBerg forgot his orange juice and eggs as well with 155 yards passing, and his two-headed rushing attack couldn't boost him the way Marion Butts' 117 rushing yards put San Diego ahead in the roulette wheel that is the AFC West.

Final Score: Chargers 24, Chiefs 21

That '6' is strangely taking the form of a dagger

Seattle (8-5) at San Francisco (9-4)
The mystery that is the Tecmo Seattle Seahawks almost pulled out a big upset in southern California, but unfortunately for them and everyone else with an ounce of decency the 49ers found a way to pull it out in overtime to win their ninth game in a row. To cap it off, they did it with a touchdown in overtime, taking their level of showboatiness from annoying to eye-gougingly annoying. The usual suspects in Montana, Rice and Rathman accounted for most of the points here, and now the only thing outside of an injury to stop San Francisco may be an asteroid, or my computer shorting out.

Final Score: 49ers 30, Seahawks 24 (OT)

Philadelphia (8-5) at N.Y. Giants (9-4)
After spending most of their season under a cloud of doubt, Phil Simms led his team to another victory to underscore why they may be the conference's only hope of stonewalling San Francisco. Simms was a stellar 80% with 265 yards passing, his weapon of choice being Mark Bavaro who brought down four passes for 135 yards. The bipolar Eagles lose their edge in the wild card race and in continuing QB Eagles' exultation.

Final Score: Giants 35, Eagles 14

How the West was somewhat watchable

Atlanta (5-8) at L.A. Rams (7-6)
Jim Everett returned to form with 75% passing completion and 260 yards, and it was all he could do to keep up with a red-hot Chris Miller, who nailed down an 81% rate and 304 passing yards with no picks. The Rams defense were the heroes, holding up and keeping the hidden weapon in Mike Rozier silent with just 39 yards on the ground. It was a nail-biter, but the Rams keep a flame blowing at the 49ers' heels, even if those heels are made of  full-blasting jet propellers.

Final Score: Rams 35, Falcons 31

4:00 Games

Phoenix (1-12) at Washington (7-6)

Washington played one touchdown better than Phoenix in order to keep their fight for the postseason alive. Mark Rypien was efficient with 222 yards and no picks, while Byner ran around the Phoenix defense for 89 yards on 8 attempts. Johnny Johnson continued to play as a one-man team with 206 all-purpose yards, but unfortunately for him Timm Rosenbach out-played him as ten horrible teams.

Final Score: Redskins 35, Cardinals 28

What happens when you leave COM teams unwatched

Dallas (6-7) at New Orleans (5-8)

Nothing much could be expected from a 14-7 contest, but this one puts high school girls' basketball to shame. If not for a late score by New Orleans to pull out the win, it may have gone forever behind Emmitt Smith's 13 rushing yards, Steve Walsh's 68 passing yards and a total of 8 first downs. Unfortunately, it didn't go on forever, which means we'll have to see these two teams play again some time in the near future.

Final Score: Saints 14, Cowboys 7

Pittsburgh (5-8) at Houston (10-3)

The Steelers made things interesting, but couldn't pull Houston out of a first-place seed. Bubby Brister out-threw Warren Moon with 205 yards to 171, but his 3 throws to the other team is what sealed the deal for the Oil-men. Houston is making the chase to home field in the playoffs, and barring their appeal to playing the Steelers twice more, they may still have to start Lorenzo White in the final two weeks.

Final Score: Oilers 21, Steelers 14

New England (2-11) at Indianapolis (5-8)

With the loss, the Colts won't complete a surprising .500 season. With the win, the Patriots can still pull off a shot at not being the most terrible Tecmo team. Albert Bentley played his heart out with 109 rushing yards on 11 attempts, but John Stephens ripped it out with 129 yards of his own. Steve Grogan and Jeff George combined for 251 passing yards, setting back the argument for hybrid efficiency at least 10 years.

Final Score: Patriots 28, Colts 13

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At long last, Buffalo returns to the featured game spotlight in charge of their own destiny. After losing their week one battle to Miami, and tripping up a few times afterward, they regained their footing and could be in the hunt for a first-round bye. They'll travel cross-country to the bright lights of Los Angeles, however, to battle a Raiders team that nobody who knows Bo thought would still be in the hunt. With a win, the Raiders would not only jump into an improbable wild card battle, but would also snuff out any sense of entitlement the Bills may have built up over the past few weeks. It'll be a military battle of air versus ground, with QB Bills and Andre Reed up against Bo Jackson and Marcus Allen. If this site made any money, I'd put it all on Mr. Bills--unless Howie Long gets to him early and caves in his chest with a wall of hair.

Wears 'L.A. Raider' on his heart, and L.A. Looks in his hair

New Orleans vs. San Francisco + Week Fifteen Preview

Well, it took until Week 14 but it happened: the train derailed. Be not afraid: although your medium has failed you, the Tecmo season has continued on at a torrid pace by itself. We're back on track now, but due to the fact that Week 15 is only right around the corner I have the unfortunate task of letting you know that the regularly scheduled Week 14 Monday Night game between New Orleans and San Francisco will have to be abbreviated and mashed together with Week 15's Looking Ahead feature. I can only hope that someday you'll find it in your Gil Fenerty-filled heart to forgive me.

It took me about five minutes to reacquaint with this name

Quarter One
New Orleans began the game with the ball, and it started fast and furious with Dalton Hilliard and Craig Heyward running the Saints' first five plays for a total of 6 yards (including a 12-yard first down run, negated in just two plays). On the sixth play of the drive, Steve Walsh finally put his highly-paid arm to work, but bounced the ball off of three 49ers defenders while Eric Martin was doing jumping jacks along the sideline.

San Francisco took over at their own 29-yard line, and after two ridiculous throws to Rice that still baffle the most seasoned of Tecmo veterans, the 49ers were threatening at the New Orleans' 32-yard line. The 19th-ranked run defense then showed their mettle when they stuffed Rathman and Craig on three straight plays, forcing a rare appearance of Mike Cofer on 4th down to nail it between the uprights for the first score of this contest.

San Francisco leads 3-0

The Saints went three-and-out on the next drive to nobody and Craig Heyward's surprise, including a strange blitz of Heyward on 3rd-and-8.

See it here first: Montana in a heap as a distorted mass

Just as this game seemed to be hurtling out of control for the Ragin' Cajuns, Vaughan Johnson dropped Joe Montana for a loss of 8, while on the next play Gene Atkins picked him off for just the ninth time this season as the quarter came ticking away to an end.

Quarter Two
In only the first few seconds of the new quarter's life, Walsh found Martin in the back of the end zone from about 18 yards out to complete his first pass and in turn give New Orleans their first lead of the game.

New Orleans leads 7-3

Some Saints players go for the "play dead" defense

Starting at their own 44-yard line, which just also happens to be Saints' territory for Montana, the 49ers went with a heavy serving of Tom Rathman with a dessert of hot buttered Saint-popcorn. Accounting for the first 47 yards of the drive, Rathman was passed up for an easy lob to Rice in the end zone to put San Francisco up faster than Bubba Paris can put down a row of pints.

San Francisco leads 10-7

The next Saints drive began with Gil Fenerty injuring something, and the ominous music that accompanied his carting off the field suddenly also acted as a portent of doom for the remainder of the game. But just as Coach Jim Mora was phoning the funeral home to carve up another tombstone for the season, Hilliard blew by eleven 49ers' defenders for 31 yards. One play later, Walsh found Martin wide open in the end zone for their second touchdown connection, and in case you were wondering if this game was real or Tecmoized: Walsh was 2-for-3 with 2 touchdowns.

New Orleans leads 14-10

With 1:37 left in the half, the Saints' coaches were beginning to update their resumes knowing they left too much time for a George Siefert-led West Coast offense.For their sake, Montana was humane enough not to tease the Saints when he lobbed the football over the hands of a Saints' cornerback into the protective arms of John Taylor at the New Orleans' 13-yard line. One play later, Montana found Brent Jones, one of 8 eligible receivers, in the end zone.

If only the carrier pigeon hadn't stolen his attention

San Francisco leads 17-14

The half ended with Morten Anderson taking his chances from 56-yards out: unfortunately his kick went wider left than James Carville in a marijuana dispensary.

Halftime - 49ers 17, Saints 14

Quarter Three
The only thing worse for the Saints than San Francisco taking possession to start the half was the fact that Tom Rathman was fed a heaping bowl of children in the locker room. He carried the 49ers to the New Orleans 39-yard line, but the Saints came up big with a 3rd-and-3 stop of Roger Craig. Mike Cofer came on to convert his second field goal of the game.

San Francisco leads 20-14

Rueben Mayes continued his strong start of replacing Fenerty with his second return into San Francisco territory. Unfortunately, his team fumbled the baton-handoff when they were forced to go for it on 4th and 5 from the 43-yard line and still lost an extra two yards.

The bad news: No torqued elbow on this spike

The 49ers started the drive showing signs of mortality when a pass to Rice was batted away by just ONE (1) defender. Apparently Montana was so frightened of this prospect that he handed the ball off on the next six plays to Craig and Rathman, which still got the Niners out to the New Orleans' 5-yard line. After being out on the field for most of the quarter, the once-stout Saints' defense gave up a Montana sneak for a touchdown, corresponding with the selling out of paper bags at the Breaux Mart.

San Francisco leads 27-14

The quarter came to an end on a cliffhanging 3rd-and-9 play looming for New Orleans.

Quarter Four
In just a matter of a flip of the field, the Saints' fans were able to shove their hearts back into their empty cavities when Heyward pulled in a miraculous catch for 16 yards. Brent Perriman followed that up with a beautiful reception in coverage at the San Francisco 9-yard line. Unfortunately all too soon, however, the Saints were facing 3rd-and-goal at the 11-yard line, and when Heyward couldn't keep from stepping on his own shoelaces at the 2-yard line, Anderson came out to punch it in despite being down by 13 in the fourth quarter.

San Francisco leads 27-17

When New Orleans' attempt at an onside kick had about as much success as a 16-year old girl coming back from Bourbon Street with her innocence, the 49ers started driving, and driving hard. There was a quick interlude when Taylor fumbled a reception at the New Orleans' 18-yard line, but when Toi Cook kicked it back to his waiting hands, the 49ers got another chance to convert. And did they? If you guessed "no", then I'll assume you pump gas in New Jersey for a living.

San Francisco led 34-17

I've already spent too much time on this, so I'll get to the point: New Orleans got down near the 49ers' end zone, ran two failed flea flickers as time expired, my dog puked on my shoe and I'm not going to clean it up until tomorrow.

Final Score: 49ers 34, Saints 17

If you've already read this far down, then my condolences are with you. If you stopped in the second quarter, however, you might have thought this was going to finish out in pretty exciting fashion. Unfortunately, it didn't, and unfortunately in losing the Saints not only fell out of the playoff hunt but also ruined it for about 15 other NFC teams. Walsh played his valiant self, pretty much outdoing Montana for the second time this season, but when Dalton Hilliard isn't fit to button up Tom Rathman's crotchless chaps, you'd have to be a fool to think this wasn't one of those David/Goliath stories that ended with David getting a slingshot surgically removed from his ass.

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Now that that's overwith, we can get on to the task at hand: looking ahead to the crucial third-to-last week in this marathon of hell. Our calves are tight, our throats are dry and cottonmouthed and caked in three-miles-ago vomit, and our heads are simultaneously pounding and lighter than the fifteen-year-old boys staying late in the locker room to huff empty whipped cream canisters. Houston and Minnesota have clinched, and in light of events just witnessed, at least one other team has a chance to move one level closer to saving the princess, er, winning the highly-coveted Tecmo Bowl. Let's see what's in store for us on the XVth edition of Looking Ahead!

The week comes charging out of the gate with a pretty stinkin' big divisional match-up between Chicago and Green Bay. The Packers beat Chicago in their first battle in Week 8, but since then have only won once more, opening the door for the Bears to take over in the wild card battle. A victory for Chicago will go a long way in deciding a postseason berth, but you can bet that the cheeseheads have saved all their quarters to use on Bob Nelson in this late-season contest.

Enter into evidence: The last person
to ever mess with Chuck Knox

Cincinnati is on life support, and will have to pull off a huge upset at home to pull even and stay sniffing the playoffs instead of Marc Logan's jock. Miami needs to get back on track, and luckily for them they're back in the AFC where they've been dominant all season. Elsewhere, three straight games featuring AFC West teams will take place, with all three of the teams being the ones tied for first place at 8-5. It's possible they'll still be in the same traffic jam of south California proportions since they don't face off head-to-head; however, somewhere we think Chuck Knox is chain smoking after drawing the short straw in favored match-ups.

The New York Football Giants could lose their one-week lead in first if they drop a home game against the Eagles, a team they lost to by a missed PAT in Week 10, while the less-competitive NFC West is showcased with the Rams fighting to get back into a playoff-field they were streaking towards earlier in the season. Los Angeles won the first meeting, but the Falcons are playing spoiler patrol as of late, and there'd be no bigger spoiler than pulling the Rams into the quicksand as a red-and-gold sun sets behind the horizon line.

Eat your heart out, 2011 Indianapolis Colts!

Two NFC East teams in contention start off the late afternoon, with the Redskins playing the last remaining one-win team in Phoenix at home while Dallas tries to right the ship against the deflated New Orleans Saints. The afternoon ends with everyone who's ever played as New England or Indianapolis' favorite Week 15 game, New England vs. Indianapolis. It's a paradoxical guaranteed win for either team, but with the Colts chasing a rare .500 season you can bet that Albert Bentley's ready to show why he's the original Beast Mode.

Monday Night brings us back to the city where dreams are made, Los Angeles, where the Raiders will hope to continue making their postseason dreams come true. It's been a blue moon since a lot of us have seen Bo Jackson play into Spring Training, and they could do it with a highly convincing win over the Buffalo Bills. However, before we lose that jade sheen, we must remember that this is late-season Buffalo Bills, where the only thing that can stop Jamie Mueller is his own selfish desire for caving in chests. The Bills took over first place in the AFC East after letting the Dolphins coast all season, and the only way they'll give it back is if Mueller is given a chew toy to bury at the forty-yard line.

WOOF WOOF SNARL....*squeak*

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AFC
1. *Houston (10-3)
2. Buffalo (9-3-1)
3. Seattle (8-5)

Wild Card
4. Dolphins (9-4)
5. Broncos (8-5)
6. Chargers (8-5)

On the Bubble
L.A. Raiders (7-6)
Cincinnati (6-7)

Playoff Scenarios:

AFC East
None

AFC Central

None

AFC West

None

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NFC

1. *Minnesota (11-2)

2. San Francisco (9-4)
3. N.Y. Giants (9-4)

Wild Card
4. Philadelphia (8-5)
5. Washington (7-6)

6. Chicago (7-6)

On the Bubble
L.A. Rams (7-6)
  Green Bay (6-6-1)
Tampa Bay (6-7)
Dallas (6-7)

Playoff Scenarios:

NFC East
None

NFC Central

Vikings clinch 1st-round bye with 49ers OR Giants loss

NFC West

49ers clinch with win AND L.A. Rams loss

 
* - Division Champion

** - 1st Round Bye

*** - Home field throughout