Looking Ahead: Week Seventeen

Seventeen weeks ago, a journey began. We were different people then, sporting shorts, tank tops and sunburns. Now we're huddled near the fireplace with mugs of hot cocoa, still hungover from the doctored egg nog at Christmas. We've seen teams rise and fall, some stay the course, and others ride up from behind like your outgrown boxer shorts to surprise us all. Sixteen teams are still in it, but when the dust settles only twelve will remain. Let's get to it.


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AFC East
The Bills stormed out from relative mediocrity to quickly snatch up a division championship before the Dolphins had a chance to recover from a three-game skid. With their win last week, however, Miami took their rightful seat in the playoffs and are now just looking for a home game, which they can clinch with another win against New York at home.

Buffalo can clinch a number one seed with a win against the lowly Lions, paired with a Houston loss.




AFC Central
Houston took control of the division many weeks ago, but just when it looked like the rest of the division was going to be quiet, the Cincinnati Bengals marched out of nowhere to rack up three wins in a row and put themselves in a desirable spot for a wild card berth heading into week 17.

Houston can clinch a number one seed with a win in New York against a hot Giants team, but could also take it with a Buffalo loss regardless of what happens.

Cincinnati can clinch a playoff spot with a win against New England at home, or could back in with losses from both Denver and Los Angeles.




AFC West

Seattle has the tiebreaker, so are technically already in the playoffs. The only thing to decide is the division, which they take with a win over the Rams or a San Diego loss in Denver.

San Diego takes it home with a win against Denver paired with a Seattle loss. If the Chargers lose it, they'll need some help from Steve Grogan in Cincinnati.

Denver has to take out San Diego at home, and will also need Seattle to fall big time for a shot at the division.

Los Angeles will have to beat the Chiefs at home, and look for both Cincinnati and Denver to lose to keep Bo Jackson out of training camp.




NFC East

The New York Football Giants were the success story of the division this year, and would have already clinched mathematically if not for Tecmo's 'anything can happen' attitude. Washington and Philadelphia will also fight for a playoff berth in the final week.

New York can take the number two seed with a win against Houston and a San Francisco loss.

Washington can claim a spot by beating Philadelphia or watching a loss from any one of three teams in Los Angeles, Green Bay or Chicago.

Philadelphia has a similar fate.




NFC Central
Minnesota has been the story of the NFC Central, but after claiming the number one seed last week we now turn our attention to the fading playoff hopes of Green Bay and Chicago.

Green Bay is in with a win, and out with a loss. Simple as that.

Chicago is still mathematically in it, but they need to beat San Francisco and hope for losses from Green Bay or Los Angeles to have a shot.




NFC West
It's been a two-team race for the most part between the 49ers and Rams, despite spotty solid play from the Saints and Falcons. The 49ers have this division in the bag after a huge 9-game win streak, but the Rams still have a chance to regain their early-season prime and make some noise in the postseason.

San Francisco could take the number two seed with a defeat of Chicago paired with a Giants loss.

Los Angeles is in simply with a win, but could follow Cleveland Gary in the back door with a loss from either Green Bay or Chicago.


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There isn't a featured game this week, but to reward your loyal patronage of this increasingly pointless blog we're going to do short vignettes of seven of the more meaningful games. And they are (in no particular order):

San Diego (9-6) at Denver (8-7)
Minnesota (12-3) at Green Bay (8-6-1)
New England (3-12) at Cincinnati (8-7)
Seattle (9-6) at L.A. Rams (9-6)
Philadelphia (9-6) at Washington (9-6)
(if necessary) Chicago (8-7) at San Francisco (10-5)

See you at the pre-game ceremonies, which include a return of the ever-popular 'Keg Stand with Joe Namath'!

Week Fifteen: The Lost Weekend

What more can be said about week fifteen other than it seems to be like the lost weekend before Christmas: it's often overlooked and can sneak up on you faster than Wayne Haddix's sonar. This year seems to be a bit different, however, as in our most recent The Tecmo Bowl season we only have two division champions, those also being the only teams guaranteed playoff berths right now. That will all hopefully change after this week, when the deck is shuffled, dropped on the floor and only Pat Beach is left picking up the cards. Let's peer into the looking glass to see which of those cards Beach didn't slip back into his trousers.

 

1:00 Games

Green Bay (6-6-1) at Chicago (7-6)

Chicago drops back to .500 and will have to continue fighting all the way to the end to stay in the playoffs. To their credit, they held the Packers to only 12 yards rushing, but were ransacked by Mr. Majkowski through the air for 323 yards and a few touchdowns to bring him back to relevancy. Harbaugh was downright stinky, and if the Bears have any decency they'll keep these kinds of stats out of the playoffs altogether. Unfortunately that'd also mean a Brad Muster-less postseason, which I've heard is akin to a New Year's Eve party where everyone fell asleep at 10 P.M.

Final Score: Packers 27, Bears 7

Tampa Bay (6-7) at Minnesota (11-2)

The Vikings use their late-season bye to bounce back from an embarrassing loss to Detroit and stomp all over Tampa Bay, ultimately booting them from the playoff party. Wade Wilson was an efficient 60% for 210 yards and no picks, while Rick Fenney led the rushing attack with 78 yards. Anthony Carter had a robust 102 yards receiving on only 2 receptions, and all of a sudden the Vikings aren't only scary for Al Noga's fashion.

Final Score: Vikings 27, Buccaneers 13

The enigmatic auto-play scoreboard

Miami (9-4) at Cincinnati (6-7)

Boomer's Bengals climb back onto the bubble in the AFC with a huge upset win of the Dolphins behind a near perfect game from Esiason and James Brooks, who had 103 yards rushing on the ground. Dan Marino was stellar as well with 325 yards through the air, but he couldn't keep his team from dropping precariously backwards in the AFC East race. With the Phins acting perhaps as the rabbit, we can finally see why everyone makes all those Jim Kelly/tortoise comparisons.

Final Score: Bengals 42, Dolphins 28

N.Y. Jets (4-9) at Detroit (3-10)
In a game that not even Ken O.Brien's grandmother cared about, the Lions continued clawing into relevance with a big offensive game--and this time we're not talking about Rodney Peete's performance. Peete still had 2 picks, but his 291 yards added on to Barry Sanders' 132 yards rushing had Detroit roaring to their fourth win. Meanwhile, Blair Thomas' meager 40 yards had the Jets roaring into the pavement, running on fumes.

Final Score: Lions 27, Jets 17

Cleveland (5-8) at Denver (8-5)
Jerry Kauric's leg gives the Browns a rare one-up in this strange rivalry, pulling the Broncos out of first place for the time being while also pumping a breath of fresh air in the Browns' unrealistic playoff hopes. QB Browns and John Elway were eerily similar with their 245 yards and 2 picks, and with a combined 145 rushing yards I'm led to believe the late field goal was more of a sigh of relief that the game actually ended.

Final Score: Browns 24, Broncos 21

San Diego (8-5) at Kansas City (5-8)
The Chargers' 14 point comeback in the 4th quarter brought them into first place, despite B.J. Tolliver's clearly hungover 115 passing yards. Luckily for him, Steve DeBerg forgot his orange juice and eggs as well with 155 yards passing, and his two-headed rushing attack couldn't boost him the way Marion Butts' 117 rushing yards put San Diego ahead in the roulette wheel that is the AFC West.

Final Score: Chargers 24, Chiefs 21

That '6' is strangely taking the form of a dagger

Seattle (8-5) at San Francisco (9-4)
The mystery that is the Tecmo Seattle Seahawks almost pulled out a big upset in southern California, but unfortunately for them and everyone else with an ounce of decency the 49ers found a way to pull it out in overtime to win their ninth game in a row. To cap it off, they did it with a touchdown in overtime, taking their level of showboatiness from annoying to eye-gougingly annoying. The usual suspects in Montana, Rice and Rathman accounted for most of the points here, and now the only thing outside of an injury to stop San Francisco may be an asteroid, or my computer shorting out.

Final Score: 49ers 30, Seahawks 24 (OT)

Philadelphia (8-5) at N.Y. Giants (9-4)
After spending most of their season under a cloud of doubt, Phil Simms led his team to another victory to underscore why they may be the conference's only hope of stonewalling San Francisco. Simms was a stellar 80% with 265 yards passing, his weapon of choice being Mark Bavaro who brought down four passes for 135 yards. The bipolar Eagles lose their edge in the wild card race and in continuing QB Eagles' exultation.

Final Score: Giants 35, Eagles 14

How the West was somewhat watchable

Atlanta (5-8) at L.A. Rams (7-6)
Jim Everett returned to form with 75% passing completion and 260 yards, and it was all he could do to keep up with a red-hot Chris Miller, who nailed down an 81% rate and 304 passing yards with no picks. The Rams defense were the heroes, holding up and keeping the hidden weapon in Mike Rozier silent with just 39 yards on the ground. It was a nail-biter, but the Rams keep a flame blowing at the 49ers' heels, even if those heels are made of  full-blasting jet propellers.

Final Score: Rams 35, Falcons 31

4:00 Games

Phoenix (1-12) at Washington (7-6)

Washington played one touchdown better than Phoenix in order to keep their fight for the postseason alive. Mark Rypien was efficient with 222 yards and no picks, while Byner ran around the Phoenix defense for 89 yards on 8 attempts. Johnny Johnson continued to play as a one-man team with 206 all-purpose yards, but unfortunately for him Timm Rosenbach out-played him as ten horrible teams.

Final Score: Redskins 35, Cardinals 28

What happens when you leave COM teams unwatched

Dallas (6-7) at New Orleans (5-8)

Nothing much could be expected from a 14-7 contest, but this one puts high school girls' basketball to shame. If not for a late score by New Orleans to pull out the win, it may have gone forever behind Emmitt Smith's 13 rushing yards, Steve Walsh's 68 passing yards and a total of 8 first downs. Unfortunately, it didn't go on forever, which means we'll have to see these two teams play again some time in the near future.

Final Score: Saints 14, Cowboys 7

Pittsburgh (5-8) at Houston (10-3)

The Steelers made things interesting, but couldn't pull Houston out of a first-place seed. Bubby Brister out-threw Warren Moon with 205 yards to 171, but his 3 throws to the other team is what sealed the deal for the Oil-men. Houston is making the chase to home field in the playoffs, and barring their appeal to playing the Steelers twice more, they may still have to start Lorenzo White in the final two weeks.

Final Score: Oilers 21, Steelers 14

New England (2-11) at Indianapolis (5-8)

With the loss, the Colts won't complete a surprising .500 season. With the win, the Patriots can still pull off a shot at not being the most terrible Tecmo team. Albert Bentley played his heart out with 109 rushing yards on 11 attempts, but John Stephens ripped it out with 129 yards of his own. Steve Grogan and Jeff George combined for 251 passing yards, setting back the argument for hybrid efficiency at least 10 years.

Final Score: Patriots 28, Colts 13

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At long last, Buffalo returns to the featured game spotlight in charge of their own destiny. After losing their week one battle to Miami, and tripping up a few times afterward, they regained their footing and could be in the hunt for a first-round bye. They'll travel cross-country to the bright lights of Los Angeles, however, to battle a Raiders team that nobody who knows Bo thought would still be in the hunt. With a win, the Raiders would not only jump into an improbable wild card battle, but would also snuff out any sense of entitlement the Bills may have built up over the past few weeks. It'll be a military battle of air versus ground, with QB Bills and Andre Reed up against Bo Jackson and Marcus Allen. If this site made any money, I'd put it all on Mr. Bills--unless Howie Long gets to him early and caves in his chest with a wall of hair.

Wears 'L.A. Raider' on his heart, and L.A. Looks in his hair

Week Fourteen: Dance for the Die-Hards

As Christmas lights go up, another log is thrown on the fire and grown men shamelessly look through the women's section at the thrift store for an ugly sweater, there's a silent tension growing across the landscape. Flag games at the park have given way to frozen toes in the stadium parking lot as only the die-hards continue to watch their teams fight to the finish. That's who we are now, my friends, whether you choose to accept it or not. Our Tecmo season started off fun and fresh, and now it's got a steely gray color to it, cold and tasteless, but yet we remain to play it out (if only to see Mosi Tatupu get that elusive carry and appease the throngs of Mosi's Mooses).

1:00 Games

New York Jets (4-8) at Buffalo (8-3-1)

The Jets' surprising surge fell short of a shot at the playoffs last week, and now to add insult to injury they fly into Buffalo to watch the QB Bills show. Bills went off for 328 yards, 131 of those caught by Kenny Lofton, and 0 picks. The Jets did take control on the ground, however, holding Thurman Thomas to 36 yards; although it should be mentioned that Thomas spent 4/5ths of the game looking for his helmet.

Final Score: Bills 28, Jets 20

San Diego (8-4) at L.A. Raiders (6-6)

The Chargers can't take control of their destiny as the Raiders pull back in the race with a huge divisional victory. Bo Jackson had a very average day of 123 yards rushing on 10 carries, enough to make up for his quarterback's lackluster 103 yards passing on the day. Marion Butts ran for 128 yards, but even that couldn't make up for B.J. Tolliver's 91 passing yards or his double entendre nickname.

Final Score: Raiders 31, Chargers 21

Hard-nosed December football...in Florida?

Miami (9-3) at Tampa Bay (5-7)

Playing for their postseason lives, the Buccaneers pull off a huge victory over Miami in this intrastate battle, and in the process knock the Dolphins out of first place in the AFC East. The game wasn't as close as the score indicates, with Tampa Bay holding a 27-3 lead in the 4th quarter. Miami loses their second consecutive game, and we think it's due less to Tampa Bay's exciting offense and more of a Tecmo-penned Buffalo-World Order-inspired conspiracy.

Final Score: Buccaneers 27, Dolphins 17

Elway makes Grogan's stats look almost Elway-esque

New England (1-11) at Denver (8-4)

While the Chargers were laying an egg in California, Denver throws away the perfect opportunity of taking control in the AFC West due to a loss to the 1-win Patriots. Where Steve Grogan's performance could be described as "inspired", with 241 passing yards and just 2 interceptions, John Elway's performance could only be described as "ass-tastic" with 5 picks of his own. Even when you're playing the regulars of the short-bus in the Patriots, that's a recipe for disaster.

Final Score: Patriots 30, Broncos 14

Cincinnati (6-6) at New York Giants (8-4)

Like their brethren in the NFC West, the Giants continue to knock their naysayers on their collective asses with another win, this time against a Bengals team with a lot to fight for. Phil Simms single-handedly won the Towhead Bowl with 225 yards and multiple touchdowns to Boomer's 130 yards and multiple frightening scowls. Cincinnati now looks into the abyss, where Warren Moon is laughing hysterically.

Final Score: Giants 35, Bengals 14

May have been earlier, but Byner fumbled
the exit paperwork at the front desk

Washington (7-5) at L.A. Rams (6-6)

Many eyes were on this pivotal NFC match-up, where the Rams fought it out to keep the respirator on their playoff hopes. Earnest Byner was back for the 'Skins, but he was ran off the field by the mighty Cleveland Gary and his 122 yards rushing on 8 attempts. Jim Everett threw for an uncharacteristically low 113 yards, perhaps saving his throwing arm for his Joe Montana dartboard later that evening.

Final Score: Rams 23, Redskins 14

Indianapolis (4-8) at Cleveland (5-7)

The Colts turn out the lights on Cleveland's dismal postseason dream, showing signs of a former division-leading team with Albert Bentley's 118 rushing yards. QB Browns wasn't going down without swinging when he purportedly tossed up 231 yards; however this stat still remains unverified by the sixteen fans in attendance, fifteen of which thought it was a Case Western Reserve University game.

Final Score: Colts 28, Browns 24

Smells like rivalry. And crabs. Lots of crabs.

Seattle (7-5) at Kansas City (5-7)

It appears Seattle found a loophole that allowed them to count team practice as a sanctioned NFL contest, with second-stringers wearing Kansas City jerseys. Backup Seattle QB Kelly Stouffer did his best Steve DeBerg impression, completing 28% of his passes and throwing only 81 yards with 2 picks; however with these stats it appears that Stouffer's impression of Stouffer was much more accurate.

Final Score: Seahawks 31, Chiefs 7

4:00 Games

Green Bay (6-5-1) at Atlanta (4-8)

The Falcons welcomed Green Bay into the black hole that is the Georgia Dome, and if light can't escape then it's only reasonable that the Packers would fall short of a victory despite a wild comeback. Don Majkowski continues to fade from an MVP-worthy start with 2 picks and just 131 yards. Meanwhile, Chris Miller throws another near-perfect game, keeping him in the race for Most Valuable A.I. Glitch.

Final Score: Falcons 28, Packers 24

Detroit (3-9) at Chicago (6-6)

Detroit couldn't continue their momentum from a huge upset last week, falling short in this contest against the Bears. Chicago leapfrogs Green Bay in the division behind another huge game from Neal Anderson and his 136 rushing yards. Rodney Peete was unlike himself with a 72% completion rate and 0 picks, but then again that stat is only more relevant than Mel Gray's one punt return for seven yards.

Final Score: Bears 30, Lions 21

Pittsburgh (4-8) at Dallas (6-6)

The Cinderella season in Dallas is nearing midnight as the Cowboys are victims of an on-day from Bubby Brister, who threw for 204 yards and an 84% connection rate. Perhaps also victims of vertigo, Troy Aikman only threw for 112 yards while Emmitt Smith ran for a season-low 50 yards, and with the rest of the NFC East playing cutthroat football it appears the 'Boys will be smelling pumpkin and rats pretty soon.

Final Score: Steelers 28, Cowboys 10

Houston (10-2) at Philadelphia (7-5)

The Oilers already got their belated division championship trophy with the Bengals' loss earlier in the day, but missed an opportunity to be first in line for a first-week bye when they gave up a late touchdown to Philadelphia. It shouldn't have even been that close behind Warren Moon's four interceptions and Lorenzo White's 13 rushing yards, but if there's one team that would drop a glass trophy, it's Philadelphia.

Final Score: Eagles 35, Oilers 28

Jack Pardee wasn't voted NFL's Most Debonaire 3 times for nothing

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It's getting hot and stinky in the crowded NFC West, but our Monday Night showdown between San Francisco and New Orleans could settle all of that. The 49ers haven't lost since their Week 6 bye, and aren't about to drop their first game in an important divisional match-up. Los Angeles' win puts that much more heat on both teams: the 49ers and their divisional lead, and the Saints with their hopes of taking a wild card spot from the Rams. While we don't hold out much hope for the bad boys in the bayou, the Saints do already possess a wild card in Steve Walsh, a quarterback in the top ten of every passing category. Unfortunately for New Orleans, their defense isn't even on the radar; not a good statistic when you're going up against Mega-Montana, Uber-Rice, and Tom SuperMegaUberUltra-Rathman.

Termination Sequence: Initiated

Looking Ahead: Week Four

In football itself, not much can be discerned from the first quarter of a game. Likewise, the first quarter of a season, while rife with excitement, tells us little about what to expect going forward. Will a team lunge forward right before the halfway point, preparing for a second half surge? Will a team crumble over the next few games, and fall too far back to stay in the fight? Week four presents some interesting match-ups, and some teams, while not quite facing must-win games, may find it harder to get back in the race if they can't jump the hurdle here. It's also the last week before teams have byes, so records will still make sense until about Week 11.

The early games on Sunday present a few key divisional match-ups, as well as some interesting inter-conference shake-downs that aren't exactly Super Bowl previews. After a career-defying game by Steve Grogan last week, the Patriots visit Houston to take on one of the few remaining undefeated teams in the Oilers and Warren Moon. It'll be an air-battle, with Moon throwing up gravity-defying passes, and Grogan passing up gravity-eating throws past the moon. While we hate to see teams lose here at Tecmo, a New England upset of Houston would just be good for the game of football, and strangely enough, put the Patriots within a half game of first place.

Another win, and Denver can continue their strange
suggestive celebrating to all of our collective disgust

After getting toasted by John Elway and the buckin' Broncos of Denver, Seattle welcomes Kansas City for a second straight divisional battle at home. The Chiefs lost their game last week as well, and both are looking up at the undefeated Chargers in the standings. Both teams will be itching to get back in the win column, and though it's early, a loss here would seem devastating with how much the West is living up to its wild nickname. Meanwhile, a battle will be brewing in San Diego at the same time, with the suddenly back-in-it Broncos visiting San Diego for what they hope is a winning end to their divisional road trip swing. That last statement shouldn't be confused with B.J. Tolliver's love for swinging in the offseason, in which he is always a winner.

With names like 'Mack', 'Slaughter', and 'Joines', Cleveland
easily strikes fear into any opponents' hearts

The early afternoon games also include some rousing inter-conference clashes, starting with Miami visiting Green Bay. The Packers return home with a 2-1 record, matching the division-leading Dolphins and their overlord Dan Marino. While the cold tundra isn't the most welcoming environment for the boys from the sunny south beach, it appears Miami is the more locked-in team right now--whereas Packer fans are simply hoping the team locks Majkowski away before he returns to earth. Also, the surprising 2-1 Browns visit the winless Giants. It's an important game for New York and their flickering playoff hopes, while the Browns are hoping the playoffs begin after this week. As exciting as the Browns have been, the Giants are too good a team to lose four in a row to start the season, just as Phil Simms is too mustache-less to be called a real man.

The late afternoon games include Buffalo visiting Tampa Bay and stealing all their players' wives, while Phoenix attempts a comeback tour in Dallas. The Jets also go to Chicago, my sources tell me. But the biggest match-up late Sunday will be San Francisco visiting Los Angeles to settle a few scores, most coming from Montana to Rice. The Rams shot to a quick 2-0 lead, while San Francisco has dropped the last two, to the surprise of all Tecmo fans and most Vegas bookies that have been following this blog. The 49ers can leap into a first place tie with Los Angeles, which is the obvious choice, but a Rams win would put enough distance in the early part of the season to give the Rams some breathing room, which they'll need after chasing Tom Rathman all over the field.

Football Night in America is brought to you from the Georgia Dome in Atlanta, where two elite teams on a crash course will meet, both bringing a sense of pride and intense determination to accomplish the same goal: win a game. Atlanta and the Los Angeles Raiders are the janitors of their respective divisions, cleaning the basement after hours while the teams above them party together, dancing to club beats and snorting lines with hundred-dollar bills in the bathrooms. Maybe that's an over-exaggeration; however, we wouldn't be over-exaggerating if we said that Jay Schroeder plans on throwing more interceptions than yards, while Chris Miller will be happy if anyone will catch his passes, on either side of the ball.

Barry Sanders' 11.5 yards per carry with no touchdowns
would have befuddled fantasy owners everywhere

And finally, the first quarter of our exciting Tecmo Bowl season concludes with a Monday Night Football match-up that was originally intended as a means to involve every team in a featured game, and eventually turned into a quizzically interesting showdown. Indianapolis visits Detroit, owning a 2-1 record and, depending on what happens in the earlier games, a chance to keep pace with the division leader(s). Detroit, meanwhile, hasn't won a single game, but, also depending on what happens, has a chance to keep pace within their division as well. The Lions are dead-last in total offense, while the Colts are 26th overall in defense, which either means this will be a dud of a game, or perhaps the most exciting throw-down since the XFL.

My references are bookmarked below, so please don't delete this entry, Wikipedia:

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AFC

NFC

Football Night in America: New England vs. Cleveland

No, you can't see your family first, QB.
Stadium's THAT way

Tonight's game is a tale of two teams about to go in separate directions. New England is letting Steve Grogan keep a seat warm for eventual first draft pick in Drew Bledsoe, while Cleveland is still reeling from back-to-back losses in the AFC Championship and falling down fast. In the moment, however, both teams are at about as evenly stinky as Kevin Mack's jock and aren't fooling anyone into thinking they have a shot, even this early in the season. Even so, they must play on, and now that the Browns have their QB back, who apparently has healing abilities better than Wolverine, Mike Pagel will have more chances to try out some new headsets on the sidelines.




Quarter One
The Browns are the winners of the toss in this contest, and will start at the 39 yard line after a cute kick-off by Jason Staurovsky. Can they keep the streak alive of coin-toss winners in featured games? For the first time, I honestly have no idea. But even though Eric Metcalf takes three straight pitches for a total of only seven yards, I still think the probability of beating New England is present.

Come on ride the train, choo-choo ride!

It's New England's turn, and they take the punt for a touchback. During Steve Grogan's first appearance, he is promptly sacked for the first of most likely many times by Chris Pike. On his second appearance, he connects with George Adams for the first of most likely one time for a gain of 23. Grogan follows up his MVP-like pass with an even more MVP-like lob to a leaping Irving Fryar, who pulls down a pass and runs until he passes out for a 46 yard gain. Two plays later and it's 3rd and 6, and who else but George Adams runs around the top of the Cleveland defense for a 13-yard gain. On the next play, however, Chris Pike gets intimate with Grogan again for a loss of 5, and after the George Adams-led rushing attack fails in the next to plays, Jason Staurovsky is out to tack on the first three points of the game.

New England leads 3-0

Cleveland starts their next promising drive at the 30, and it gets decisively less promising when Ed Reynolds sacks QB Browns for a loss of 3. Already, the chants of 'PAGEL! PAGEL!' are incredibly audible from the Cleveland crowd. Browns decides to show off how fickle fandom can be when he dumps it off to Ozzie Newsome who sheds a few defenders and runs for a total gain of 50 yards as the quarter ends.

Quarter Two
Browns' next pass falls hopelessly incomplete. The Pagel chants immediately start up again, and so Browns uses that force to channel his inner Bernie Kosar and runs for a gain of 21 yards to the New England two-yard line. When he pitches it to Metcalf for a 2-yd touchdown run, the Cleveland fans collectively take the world record for most eggs on the most faces.

Cleveland leads 7-3

If you can spot the ball, you get a complimentary
"I <3 Lurching" t-shirt

New England gets good field position at their own 40 yard line, but it's even better for Cleveland when they force an Adams fumble during a blitz, and Mike Johnson scoops it up to run all the way back for a sweet Browns defensive TD.

Cleveland leads 14-3

Due to the NFL's attempts at being 'fair', the Patriots get another chance to score and start at their own 34-yard line. They soon face a 3rd and 9 situation after Adams takes two pitches for a half yard each, and Grogan uses his veteran-led brain to throw it to his best receiver, Irving Fryar, for another 50 yard gain. Chris Pike becomes enraged by this turn of events, and feeds some turf to Grogan on the next play. After a pass block, it's 3rd and 19. The Patriots' third-down success so far leads one to believe they're only one play from getting back in the game, but when that one play is an incompletion to Fryar, Staurovsky is on to kick a meaningless 43-yarder.

Cleveland leads 14-6

With 44 seconds left, a shockingly productive 36-yard connection to Ozzie Newsome gets the Browns into Greg Kauric position with time winding down. He nails a 43-yarder through the uprights to get the three points back heading into halftime.

Cleveland leads 17-6

Halftime - Browns 14, Patriots 6

Quarter Three
Sammy Martin, perhaps the bravest man on the Patriots roster, takes the kick out from the end zone and attempts to score. His attempt comes up just 87 yards short. During the inevitable 3rd and 9 situation, Grogan decides to skip the whole time-consuming punt process and lobs a ball over the head of Hart Lee Dykes right into the hands of highly-excitable strong safety Felix Wright, who immediately jumps out of bounds.

Guys in pink do it better

QB Browns gets the drive going quickly with a 14 yard scamper, and Richard Harvey isn't too pleased as he drops Browns for an 11-yard loss quickly thereafter. Still harboring some unhealthy pent-up rage, Harvey steamrolls the Cleveland front and eats up Browns for another 9 yard loss. When he gets his third sack in a row on 3rd and 30, however, people are starting to wonder if Harvey has some lingering resentment issues about having to wear pink on national television. Needless to say, the Browns are out of field goal range and on 4th and 42 are forced to punt it back to the New England Harveys.

Fryar pulls in the punt and gets out to the New England 28 yard line. While Marvin Allen loses three yards on first down, George Adams promptly gets them back. Grogan decides he wants in on the fun and runs for 3 yards himself, and then belatedly learns that they actually needed ten for the first down.

Cleveland starts at their own 25 after a Reggie Langhorne return, and QB Browns decides to celebrate the fact that Richard Harvey is on the sidelines of this play by lobbing up an interception to Fred Marion. Luckily for Browns, the interception is a wash when Marion fumbles it, although the Patriots pick it back up and Grogan gets the field back at the Browns 42-yard line.

A 12-yard scamper by Grogan is the final nail in this forgettable third quarter of play.

Quarter Four

A Grogan interception right at the goal line promptly puts a deservingly quiet end to a promising drive that started in Cleveland territory.

Could this pick have been thwarted if Metcalf wasn't
dozing behind the line of scrimmage? We may never know.

Harvey gets his fourth sack of the game on first down, but while he's still celebrating and flexing his muscles for the waterboy on the sidelines, Kevin Mack takes a run up the middle for a gain of 33 yards into Patriots territory. Metcalf takes the next play over the top of the New England defense for another 10-yard gain, and just when it seems the Browns are preparing to put this one away, Browns kills the weird mixture of excitement and boredom by throwing the fourth-combined (third-official) pick of the game, and second consecutive by Fred Marion.

Against the pleas and sadly desperate begging of the New England defense, Grogan takes the field with 3:29 remaining in the game. He has to shake off a David Grayson sack for a 6-yard loss, but apparently couldn't shake his color-blindness when he threw it to a wide open Felix Wright to keep the Interception Bowl's blood pumping as if Mike Ditka's own bratwurst-fed heart was pumping it.

The next three plays include a Browns incompletion, a Garin Veris sack, and another incompletion. Although the lack of an interception is a success for Cleveland's offense, it's a disappointment in the hearts of all stat-heads.

The only thing in front of Irving is the pink X he wasn't
standing on

The Patriots get another dying star of a chance at their own 20 after a touchback, with 1:47 remaining. The star is all but extinguished and folding into a black hole when Irving Fryar can't grab a pass with a wide open field in front of him. Adams is strangely involved in picking up a 6 yard gain, and though it's a bold move by the offensive coordinator, it still must be recorded as the first positive yardage for New England this quarter. Mike Johnson, who hasn't been spotted since wearing an oxygen mask on the sideline, erases that positive yardage with a sack. On 4th and 10 from their own 20-yard line, the Grogan-led Patriots are forced to go for it. The drive comes to a mournful end when Adams lets the ball bounce off his future unretired number of 33.

The Browns are now in prime position to score the first points of the half and put a loud exclamation point on their flawed but still dominant performance over the Patriots on a national stage. Instead, with 31 seconds left, the ever-humble QB Browns hands off to Kevin Mack three straight times, despite the Patriots knack for blitzing on three straight plays. Time expires, and so does my patience for watching not just any game, but a freaking Tecmo game where a team doesn't even score one measly point in two quarters of play.

Any MAN player would have their playing rights revoked for a screen print like this

Final: Browns 17, Patriots 6


If your mouth froths at displays of defensive dominance, you may have actually been of the minority that enjoyed this water-boarding level of torture. The Patriots failed to score a touchdown, and Grogan led the team with an astonishingly bad 14 yards of rushing, all the while lobbing up three more interceptions than touchdowns. A returning QB Browns was less than sharp with two picks of his own (despite one being negated on a fumble) and matching Grogan with his completion percentage. The Cleveland defense accounted for nearly half of their overall points, while Richard Harvey accounted for nearly half of New England's positive yardage with 4 sacks. I don't know that I can promise you, my faithful readers, that I will avoid my curiosity and keep from stepping into another snake pit like this game, but if I do you have to understand that even I can't always predict the suckitude of some of Tecmo's bizarre COM-COM simulated games.

Looking Ahead: Week Two

Week One in the Tecmo Bowl season is over, and although each team is only separated by a game with the other, there are some obvious standouts for the Tecmo Bowl at the end of the year, and others that are more suited for the Tecmo Bowels.

The Vikings need more plays like this, and less plays
involving the words "flea" "flicker" and "Wade Wilson"

One of the teams in the first matchup of Week 2 is a perfect example of the latter, the Minnesota Vikings. They laid a big doughnut on Monday Night Football against the Bears, and were almost single-handedly defeated by just one man: Neal Anderson. Luckily for them, they draw the Atlanta Falcons in week 2, and so their hopeful chances for a .500 season are still alive.

Another intriguing match-up, albeit strangely so, is Cincinnati at Houston. The Oilers stand tied atop the standings with the Bengals, but it was Boomer who stood out among the two quarterbacks. Hoping to repeat his Week One performance will be the fans of Cincinnati, who haven't had a thing to cheer about since Brad Gilbert ended the 8 year drought of American championships in the Cincinnati Open.

The battle of NFC East leaders Washington and Dallas is also a big game to look forward to. The Redskins trounced the Lions in Detroit, which was sort of a given, while Dallas escaped with an overtime win over the lowly Browns. Both teams have a lot to prove, as only one can be the bridesmaid to QB Eagles' Tecmo Bowl wedding.

The Hoss calls this mustache 'cute'

The Sunday night Football Night in America matchup on NBC appears atrocious on paper, but it will be a good chance to showcase backup quarterback Mike Pagel's abilities against the 24th-ranked Patriots defense on a national stage. Also on the national stage will be Steve Grogan's pink pants quickly getting discolored after twenty-or-so sacks.

The final game of the week for Monday Night Football features the winless Giants against the first-place Los Angeles Rams. New York already lost a chance at a big win over the soul-eating 49ers, but they'll now get their chance at a surprisingly solid Rams team with a lot to prove. They've only won one game, but that keeps them tied with San Francisco for at least one week, and an upset over a perennial playoff team like the Giants will get the still-infant internet reporters buzzing about the team in Los Angeles that doesn't include Bo Jackson.

In case you weren't paying attention, here are the standings after only one week of play. See you all Sunday for some exciting September football!

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Week One: Season Opener

It's Week One: Statement Week in the NFL. Last season is in the rearview mirror, and everyone's at a clean slate. Every player has a chance to hold the Lombardi trophy by season's end--most likely when QB Bills needs a few seconds to tie his shoe.

This post comes to you a day early due to my ability to time travel and my ability to be out of town on Opening Sunday in the NFL. Be not afraid, however, as this would only be impressive if I wasn't using a 20 year old game in the form of a ROM on my computer.

1:00 PM Games

If you look closely, you can almost see the hopes of
Indianapolis' chances at a .500 record being carried off
by the trainers as well.

Indianapolis (0-0) * New England (0-0)
I almost tossed my cookies writing this in my notes, but this may have been the true game of the week. John Stephens goes out with an injury, as does Albert Bentley, but the real story is Jeff George passing for 4 touchdowns. Steve Grogan put up some big numbers as well, with an almost-as-impressive 3 interceptions.

Final Score: Colts 30, Patriots 28

NY Jets (0-0) * Tampa Bay (0-0)
The Jets score all 24 points in the 1st quarter, and then proceed to hold off the Bucs' hefty comeback of 10 points in the next three quarters. Al Toon grabs 2 catches for 60 yards for a robust 30 yard per reception average. While this is outstanding even by today's standards, it's somewhat below average for the Tecmo stars of 1991.

Final Score: Jets 24, Buccaneers 10

Cincinnati (0-0) * Denver (0-0)
Denver scores 14 unanswered points in the fourth quarter, but can't score the 7 or more needed to win and keep afloat in the AFC West. Boomer is impressive with his 3 touchdowns, although some may argue that John Elway could put down more carrots if it were to come to that.

Final Score: Bengals 24, Broncos 17

Paging Mr. Pagel

Dallas (0-0) * Cleveland (0-0)
Emmitt Smith runs 10 times for 126 yards to Kevin Mack's 7 runs for 34 yards. Therefore, the fact that this game went into overtime is slightly astounding, until one realizes that Mack had 1 touchdown to Smith's 0. This makes Kevin Mack the prime example of how Hall of Fame voters have got it all wrong.

Final Score: Cowboys 23, Browns 17 (OT)


Houston (0-0) * LA Raiders (0-0)
Warren Moon goes off for 287 yards and a couple TDs. Drew Hill nabbed 4 catches for 171 yards and both of the scores. While most of the Raiders were left scratching their heads, Jay Schroeder was simply scratching lottery tickets, as his job is in serious jeopardy after his 4 interceptions.

Final Score: Oilers 23, Raiders 10

San Diego (0-0) * Pittsburgh (0-0)
With the win today, San Diego takes sole possession of first place in the AFC West. Pittsburgh scored their only touchdown in the first quarter, and was then held off for the rest of the game due to a stout Chargers defense and Bubby Brister's inability to throw passes to his own receivers.
 
Final Score: Chargers 16, Steelers 7

4:00 PM Games

Kansas City (0-0) * Atlanta (0-0)
Barry Word runs wild for 110 yards and a touchdown and the Chiefs are now sitting pretty atop the division with San Diego. Meanwhile, Atlanta is groveling in the bottom of the NFC West, although the fans the team still have hopes knowing there are 15 more contests to close the half-game gap with San Francisco.

Final Score: Chiefs 28, Falcons 20

Seattle (0-0) * New Orleans Saints (0-0)
The Seahawks didn't turn heads with their offense, but the fact that they only allowed 3 first downs and two field goals says something about their defense. Should they be put up amongst teams like the '76 Steelers or the '85 Bears? Perhaps; although it's more likely the Saints' offense will be listed along teams the likes of the '76 Buccaneers or Grogan's Patriots.

Final Score: Seattle 28, Saints 6

"That back alley behind the Silverdome is sure lookin'
pretty dark" thinks Peete

Washington (0-0) * Detroit (0-0)
Barry Sanders still stands as the only offensive weapon for Detroit, running 8 times for 94 yards. His quarterback, with his 8.3% completion percentage and 2 interceptions to no touchdowns, stands as Detroit's Most Wanted, which is saying a lot considering Kid Rock also hails from the Motor City.

Final Score: Redskins 31, Lions 3

San Francisco (0-0) * NY Giants (0-0)
In the second overtime battle decided by a touchdown, the Giants lose a heartbreaker to the mighty 49ers and their Satan-possessed souls. Joe Montana was on fire for 309 yards and a touchdown, but Jeff Hostetler out-heats him with his more Playgirl-friendly appearance on the sidelines.

Final Score: 49ers 29, Giants 23 (OT)




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I know I promised a pivotal Sunday Night matchup between perennial playoff pushover Green Bay and the city of Brotherly Puking on Each Other, but my aforementioned trip may delay it. So for the two people reading this right now, please hang out and fondle yourself to G4 until I get the post up.