Football Night in America: Denver vs. Seattle

Many battles have been won or lost due to this very screen

Earlier today saw the fall of Kansas City to 2-1, and the surprising Chargers of San Diego remain undefeated. To keep pace atop the division, Seattle will need their defense to keep a watchful eye on John Elway and his knack for the big play. The Seahawks are at home, putting Dave Krieg at a disadvantage for when the inevitable booing commences, but if he can somehow keep the Seahawks in the game long enough for his defense to score a few times, then he may be able to avoid the snarky comments until he gets into bed with his wife tonight. It's a beautiful night for Sunday Night Football in Seattle, with the forecast not calling for rain for the next seven minutes.


Quarter One
Seattle wins the toss, and a Chris Warren dash out to the Seattle 45-yard-line puts the Seahawks in prime punting position to start the game. Dave Krieg marches out to a chorus of pre-teen girls shrieking and lifting their shirts, and he appeases them all on second down when he completes a pass to Brian Blades for a 50 yard gain. Krieg lifts his own jersey to reveal 'Kelly Stouffer Rocks Dick' tattooed on his chiseled abs. John L. Williams, emphasis on the 'L', carries the ball for 8 yards, and when Krieg overthrows Tommy Kane in the end zone it's 3rd and 2. Williams gets the ball again, but is blitzed, and Stormin' Norm Johnson is out to punch in the first points of the game after an underwhelming finish to the first Seattle drive.

Seattle leads 3-0

Johnson did eventually find the end zone on this play

Vance Johnson helps the Denver cause out with a return to the Broncos' 48-yard line to start the drive. Bobby Humphrey gets the early workload with a run up the middle for 6 yards, and then a long catch-and-run for 32. But it is Johnson himself who gets to wash in the glory after a reverse pitch sadly fools the usually stalwart Seattle defense and Denver takes the lead.

Denver leads 7-3

Warren continues the streak of good field position with a return to the Seattle 46-yard line. Derrick Fenner promptly wipes out 2 of those yards, but redeems himself on the next play with a carry of 13 that is fumbled out of bounds for a confusing first down. When he loses two yards on the next play, Krieg kicks him out of the huddle and goes to the air on second down. Ron Heller, prized tight end from THE Oregon State and Super Bowl ring possessor with the 49ers, pulls down an 18-yard pass for a first down; however, the promising young season for Heller is cut short as he's carried off the field with a noticeable limp. Krieg, understandably shaken by the loss of his star tight end, scrambles for a yard on the next play, and then throws an incompletion as the quarter comes to a suddenly somber end.

Johnson barely got this one over the moat

Quarter Two
On 3rd and 9, John L. Williams, who nobody has ever confused with a Hollywood composer of the same name, carries the ball for only a meaningless yard. Sure-footed Norm Johnson kicks the 42-yard attempt wide left and the Seahawks are putting their undefeated streak and the chance that someone will survive a Tommy Kane mugging after the game in jeopardy.

Denver takes over at their own 32-yard line, and Mike Horan is on to punt from the 31 after the Broncos net a grand total of -1 yards on the drive.

Ironically, the other John Williams composed a score for
this fumble recovery by the punter

Horan, hero of his 3-on-3 pick-up game last Wednesday afternoon, unleashes his Superman-cape again when he scoops up a Warren fumble. He returns it to the Seattle 19-yard line, and suddenly the Seahawks look as doomed as the three Kryptonians trapped in the Phantom Zone. The Seahawks defense once again stands strong on the drive, however, with a few blitzes of John Elway and Steve Sewell to force a David Treadwell kick. The Broncos take a 7 point lead.

Denver leads 10-3

Warren gets the ball out to the Seattle 38, and on his way off the field he shouts at Krieg that he doesn't want to see the ball again before the end of the half. Krieg obliges with two straight incompletions, and suddenly the Seahawks are quickly facing 3rd and 10 after some poor clock management from Tom Flores' squad. Luckily, a 43-yard reception from Tommy Kane breathes new life into the Seahawks' hopes for some points before halftime. A Williams fumble swiftly erases any chance of that, unless you want to give the Seattle offense style points for kicking the ball around for fifteen seconds.

Kind of exaggerating the turf toe, aren't we Bobby?

During Denver's next possession, a Seattle fan proposed to his girlfriend in front of the concession stands, and a baby's diaper had to be changed. Oh yes, and Bobby Humphrey was injured after a meaningless 6-yard run.

Halftime - Broncos 10, Seahawks 3

Quarter Three
Modern-day renaissance man Vance Johnson carries the return out to the Denver 39-yard line. Despite the lead, the Broncos have only been on the field for a combined three Tecmo minutes, hardly enough time to ruin John Elway's flowing quaff. Nonetheless, he dons his not-clashing-in-the-least blue and orange helmet and gets to work. A beautifully executed lob to Johnson on first down for 53 yards gets the Broncos to first and goal with 8 yards to go, a distance that Elway covers in about 56 seconds for their second touchdown of the game.

Denver leads 17-3

I wish my expected job duties had exclamation points, too.

Elway's off the field in just over a minute, and so the exhausted and overworked Seattle offense is back on and starting at their own 35. Williams is entrusted with a pitch that's good for 15 yards, while Fenner is entrusted to be on the field during the next play. He ends up getting involved, much to the displeasure of all the Seahawks fans and a majority of the coaches, and his net gain of -1 yards quietly and sadly vindicates their preconditions. Even when Krieg wildly overthrows Kane for an interception by Steve Atwater, the fans are still crying for Fenner's head.

Former Broncos star running back and Southern Mississippi alum Sammy Winder is in for Bobby Humphrey, and his return to greatness begins with a 2-yard loss. Sewell gets involved on the next play for a 13-yard gain, a yardage amount that is replicated on an unexpected, yet somehow very expected, Vance Johnson reverse. Dan Reeves seizes the moment, and just when Seattle is thinking that a Johnson reverse is too predictable, Denver runs the Johnson reverse for 11 more yards. Elway goes to the air on the next play and has a pass fall into the protecting arms of Mark Jackson, who falls down at the Seattle half-yard line. The Seahawks defense faces one of their toughest challenges of the day with a goal line stand on first down, and allowing the Johnson reverse go in for a touchdown makes Seattle fans everywhere wonder if there are more things challenging the Seahawks' defense than just football.

Denver leads 24-3

Warren, who has spent more time on the field and racked up more yards than the entire Seattle offense, takes the ball to the Seahawks' 48. Williams takes it for five more yards into Broncos' territory as the quarter expires.

Quarter Four
Williams converts his second positive-yardage play in a row for 9 yards. On first and 10, Krieg flings a pass for a 38-yard touchdown completion to Travis McNeil, and the Seahawks have scored their first touchdown at a point in the game where 75% of the Seattle fans didn't get to see it.

Denver leads 24-10

The swan song of Sammy Winder: is this finally his year?

An inspired monster kick and stuff of Vance Johnson at his own 9-yard line is enough to get the sidelines fired up. It should be taken into account, however, that it's the Denver sideline that's excited, knowing that they have enough field left to run down the clock and score a dagger. An Elway dunk to Winder is good for 14 yards, but his job isn't done yet. Winder takes the ball again for a long 43-yard run, reflecting shades of his former Super Bowl-losing caliber of play. Two plays later it's 3rd and 9, and as the clock slowly ticks away on Seattle's short undefeated season, the Seahawks' reclaim their dignity on a blitz of Elway that forces Treadwell to miss from 53 yards.

Krieg takes over on downs, and on the first play he has all day to find out which of his four wide-open receivers he wants to overthrow, eventually deciding on Williams. The next play is a run play involving the glory-robbed Williams, who runs for 10 yards and a first down. Seattle uses its last time out with 1:41 remaining, in order to call another wild overthrow of McNeal. His next pass is even less successful, when what seems like an innocent overthrow of Brian Blades is intercepted by Wymon Henderson.

Two Steve Sewell rushes have the clock running down to less than 10 seconds, and on third down Elway risks throwing the ball instead of kneeling like a good sport, but his interception-less day is safe when a nameless Seattle defender bats the ball away instead of pulling it in, cementing a barf-worthy effort by the now cast-aside Seahawks defense.

Final: Broncos 24, Seahawks 10

Dave Krieg took a dookie on the national stage, and now the Seahawks fall into a second place tie with their recent foes in Denver and the Barry Word-led offense in Kansas City. Elway was his normal charming self with a modest 126 yards of passing, but his no picks to Dave Krieg's two are the real sign of a seasoned quarterback versus an over-zealous amateur. While there is work to be done on Seattle's ground game, Denver seems to have found their blessing in disguise with Sammy Winder coming out of his back-up role into the primary Broncos halfback position. Important divisional match-ups lie ahead for both teams, and Denver has a chance to jump-start their suddenly very real hopes of a divisional championship next week against San Diego. Seattle, meanwhile, will hold on to their hopes of getting a mid-season trade of Derrick Fenner to Kansas City for Christian Okoye; a hope that holds as much flicker as Krieg's chances of healing his chlamydia.
 

Football Night in America: New England vs. Cleveland

No, you can't see your family first, QB.
Stadium's THAT way

Tonight's game is a tale of two teams about to go in separate directions. New England is letting Steve Grogan keep a seat warm for eventual first draft pick in Drew Bledsoe, while Cleveland is still reeling from back-to-back losses in the AFC Championship and falling down fast. In the moment, however, both teams are at about as evenly stinky as Kevin Mack's jock and aren't fooling anyone into thinking they have a shot, even this early in the season. Even so, they must play on, and now that the Browns have their QB back, who apparently has healing abilities better than Wolverine, Mike Pagel will have more chances to try out some new headsets on the sidelines.




Quarter One
The Browns are the winners of the toss in this contest, and will start at the 39 yard line after a cute kick-off by Jason Staurovsky. Can they keep the streak alive of coin-toss winners in featured games? For the first time, I honestly have no idea. But even though Eric Metcalf takes three straight pitches for a total of only seven yards, I still think the probability of beating New England is present.

Come on ride the train, choo-choo ride!

It's New England's turn, and they take the punt for a touchback. During Steve Grogan's first appearance, he is promptly sacked for the first of most likely many times by Chris Pike. On his second appearance, he connects with George Adams for the first of most likely one time for a gain of 23. Grogan follows up his MVP-like pass with an even more MVP-like lob to a leaping Irving Fryar, who pulls down a pass and runs until he passes out for a 46 yard gain. Two plays later and it's 3rd and 6, and who else but George Adams runs around the top of the Cleveland defense for a 13-yard gain. On the next play, however, Chris Pike gets intimate with Grogan again for a loss of 5, and after the George Adams-led rushing attack fails in the next to plays, Jason Staurovsky is out to tack on the first three points of the game.

New England leads 3-0

Cleveland starts their next promising drive at the 30, and it gets decisively less promising when Ed Reynolds sacks QB Browns for a loss of 3. Already, the chants of 'PAGEL! PAGEL!' are incredibly audible from the Cleveland crowd. Browns decides to show off how fickle fandom can be when he dumps it off to Ozzie Newsome who sheds a few defenders and runs for a total gain of 50 yards as the quarter ends.

Quarter Two
Browns' next pass falls hopelessly incomplete. The Pagel chants immediately start up again, and so Browns uses that force to channel his inner Bernie Kosar and runs for a gain of 21 yards to the New England two-yard line. When he pitches it to Metcalf for a 2-yd touchdown run, the Cleveland fans collectively take the world record for most eggs on the most faces.

Cleveland leads 7-3

If you can spot the ball, you get a complimentary
"I <3 Lurching" t-shirt

New England gets good field position at their own 40 yard line, but it's even better for Cleveland when they force an Adams fumble during a blitz, and Mike Johnson scoops it up to run all the way back for a sweet Browns defensive TD.

Cleveland leads 14-3

Due to the NFL's attempts at being 'fair', the Patriots get another chance to score and start at their own 34-yard line. They soon face a 3rd and 9 situation after Adams takes two pitches for a half yard each, and Grogan uses his veteran-led brain to throw it to his best receiver, Irving Fryar, for another 50 yard gain. Chris Pike becomes enraged by this turn of events, and feeds some turf to Grogan on the next play. After a pass block, it's 3rd and 19. The Patriots' third-down success so far leads one to believe they're only one play from getting back in the game, but when that one play is an incompletion to Fryar, Staurovsky is on to kick a meaningless 43-yarder.

Cleveland leads 14-6

With 44 seconds left, a shockingly productive 36-yard connection to Ozzie Newsome gets the Browns into Greg Kauric position with time winding down. He nails a 43-yarder through the uprights to get the three points back heading into halftime.

Cleveland leads 17-6

Halftime - Browns 14, Patriots 6

Quarter Three
Sammy Martin, perhaps the bravest man on the Patriots roster, takes the kick out from the end zone and attempts to score. His attempt comes up just 87 yards short. During the inevitable 3rd and 9 situation, Grogan decides to skip the whole time-consuming punt process and lobs a ball over the head of Hart Lee Dykes right into the hands of highly-excitable strong safety Felix Wright, who immediately jumps out of bounds.

Guys in pink do it better

QB Browns gets the drive going quickly with a 14 yard scamper, and Richard Harvey isn't too pleased as he drops Browns for an 11-yard loss quickly thereafter. Still harboring some unhealthy pent-up rage, Harvey steamrolls the Cleveland front and eats up Browns for another 9 yard loss. When he gets his third sack in a row on 3rd and 30, however, people are starting to wonder if Harvey has some lingering resentment issues about having to wear pink on national television. Needless to say, the Browns are out of field goal range and on 4th and 42 are forced to punt it back to the New England Harveys.

Fryar pulls in the punt and gets out to the New England 28 yard line. While Marvin Allen loses three yards on first down, George Adams promptly gets them back. Grogan decides he wants in on the fun and runs for 3 yards himself, and then belatedly learns that they actually needed ten for the first down.

Cleveland starts at their own 25 after a Reggie Langhorne return, and QB Browns decides to celebrate the fact that Richard Harvey is on the sidelines of this play by lobbing up an interception to Fred Marion. Luckily for Browns, the interception is a wash when Marion fumbles it, although the Patriots pick it back up and Grogan gets the field back at the Browns 42-yard line.

A 12-yard scamper by Grogan is the final nail in this forgettable third quarter of play.

Quarter Four

A Grogan interception right at the goal line promptly puts a deservingly quiet end to a promising drive that started in Cleveland territory.

Could this pick have been thwarted if Metcalf wasn't
dozing behind the line of scrimmage? We may never know.

Harvey gets his fourth sack of the game on first down, but while he's still celebrating and flexing his muscles for the waterboy on the sidelines, Kevin Mack takes a run up the middle for a gain of 33 yards into Patriots territory. Metcalf takes the next play over the top of the New England defense for another 10-yard gain, and just when it seems the Browns are preparing to put this one away, Browns kills the weird mixture of excitement and boredom by throwing the fourth-combined (third-official) pick of the game, and second consecutive by Fred Marion.

Against the pleas and sadly desperate begging of the New England defense, Grogan takes the field with 3:29 remaining in the game. He has to shake off a David Grayson sack for a 6-yard loss, but apparently couldn't shake his color-blindness when he threw it to a wide open Felix Wright to keep the Interception Bowl's blood pumping as if Mike Ditka's own bratwurst-fed heart was pumping it.

The next three plays include a Browns incompletion, a Garin Veris sack, and another incompletion. Although the lack of an interception is a success for Cleveland's offense, it's a disappointment in the hearts of all stat-heads.

The only thing in front of Irving is the pink X he wasn't
standing on

The Patriots get another dying star of a chance at their own 20 after a touchback, with 1:47 remaining. The star is all but extinguished and folding into a black hole when Irving Fryar can't grab a pass with a wide open field in front of him. Adams is strangely involved in picking up a 6 yard gain, and though it's a bold move by the offensive coordinator, it still must be recorded as the first positive yardage for New England this quarter. Mike Johnson, who hasn't been spotted since wearing an oxygen mask on the sideline, erases that positive yardage with a sack. On 4th and 10 from their own 20-yard line, the Grogan-led Patriots are forced to go for it. The drive comes to a mournful end when Adams lets the ball bounce off his future unretired number of 33.

The Browns are now in prime position to score the first points of the half and put a loud exclamation point on their flawed but still dominant performance over the Patriots on a national stage. Instead, with 31 seconds left, the ever-humble QB Browns hands off to Kevin Mack three straight times, despite the Patriots knack for blitzing on three straight plays. Time expires, and so does my patience for watching not just any game, but a freaking Tecmo game where a team doesn't even score one measly point in two quarters of play.

Any MAN player would have their playing rights revoked for a screen print like this

Final: Browns 17, Patriots 6


If your mouth froths at displays of defensive dominance, you may have actually been of the minority that enjoyed this water-boarding level of torture. The Patriots failed to score a touchdown, and Grogan led the team with an astonishingly bad 14 yards of rushing, all the while lobbing up three more interceptions than touchdowns. A returning QB Browns was less than sharp with two picks of his own (despite one being negated on a fumble) and matching Grogan with his completion percentage. The Cleveland defense accounted for nearly half of their overall points, while Richard Harvey accounted for nearly half of New England's positive yardage with 4 sacks. I don't know that I can promise you, my faithful readers, that I will avoid my curiosity and keep from stepping into another snake pit like this game, but if I do you have to understand that even I can't always predict the suckitude of some of Tecmo's bizarre COM-COM simulated games.

Football Night in America: Philadelphia vs. Green Bay

Time to settle the age-old question: who would win a
fight between an eagle and a meat-packager?

It's Philadelphia vs. Green Bay, two teams that your league guide has boldly picked to become eventual NFC playoff contenders. While the main difference between the two teams is that one player has the initials 'QB' before his name, there isn't much separating the two. There's superb offensive talent on both sides of the ball, which could lead to an offensive explosion in this electric Week One match-up. Also, Green Bay has Bob Nelson. It's still early in the season, but both teams are looking to stick their heads out from the pack of early favorites. If Don "Magic Man" Majkowski can keep his team in it through three quarters, they may have a chance to hold off QB Eagles' jivin' jukes.



Quarter One

Someone had to catch it, just not one of the three Packers

Philadelphia wins the toss, and elects to receive. Chris Jacke kicks with the wind, but still only gets it about twenty yards, and before long Kenny Jackson has the ball at about midfield. Two plays later, on 3rd and five, QB Eagles fools everyone and runs for a long 20 yards. On the next play, the Eagles are on the board with a pass into triple coverage to Calvin Williams.

Philadelphia leads 7-0

Green Bay starts with the ball on their own 33 yard line, and soon Majik man and his offense are staring at their own 3rd and 5 situation. Coach Lindy Infante starts to send out the punting unit early, when Majkowski tells him he has other plans. And on the very next play, Don finds Perry Kemp for a beautiful catch and run of 62 yards that gets the Packers on the board.

Score tied 7-7

Jacke lends his efforts in keeping the game tight with another 20 yarder, but it appears only to be a setup to injure Kenny Jackson, which the Packers promptly do. QB Eagles holds a quick vigil, and then looks to the cot as it's carried away and tells Jackson "This drive's for you." After a quick incompletion and 6-yard loss on a sack, Eagles hands it off to Heath Sherman who promptly hands it back to the NFL's Wisconsin representative.

The Green Bay fans are clearly not amused by this trick

Majkowski tells his huddle that he wants to try off a new trick he learned over the weekend. His offense doesn't quite know what to make of the title, the Disappearing Chance for an Important Lead Trick, but after Don's interception it all makes sense.

At their own 33, Heath Sherman is heard shouting at Bob Nelson that he could build a small metropolis in the gap of his teeth. On the next play, Sherman is left picking up his own teeth from the 27 yard line as the quarter expires.




Quarter Two

Referees sniff the pits, too

On a long 3rd and 19, Sherman gets the ball again and slides between Nelson's legs, elbowing him in the crotch on the way, and streaks for another 42 yards. Literally. His uniform was torn off him by a diving Chuck Cecil. While he goes to the sideline for a new uniform, the Packers defense wakes up again and stuffs the Philadelphia run game until there's another 3rd and long situation. Needing 20 yards, QB Eagles takes a chance and realizes he maybe should take a 3 month vacation to Vegas when he runs in for an easy touchdown.

Philadelphia leads 14-7

At their own 49 yard line after a nice return, Majkowski pulls out another trick from his book, called Nobody Ever Covers Ed West, and finds the Toolbox for a 51 yard touchdown.

Score tied 14-14

With only 30 seconds taken off the clock, QB Eagles gets the team primed for another quick score before the half.  Not long after, it's 3rd and 7, but with the Packers day-long lack of understanding that only one more stop = punt, Keith Byars snags another first down with 1:21 left on the clock. Two more plays, and Keith Byars finds himself tripped up at the Packers' 1-yard line with seconds ticking off the clock. A quick huddle doesn't help, as Bob Nelson's labradoresque hearing gets his defense to stuff Byars on the next play. On 3rd and 6 with seconds ticking away, Roger Ruzek comes in for a chip shot to give the Eagles a tight lead at halftime.

Halftime - Eagles 17, Packers 14

Quarter Three

Although Sharpe dislocated his tibia on this catch, he was
apparently able to pop it back in for any inevitable reverses

Running out to the field, Coach Infante's playbook looks to be about half the size it was going in. During the halftime show, he apparently told sideline reporters the only running play he needed was the Sharpe reverse. Starting at their own 22, a few passes to Michael Haddix and Keith Woodside get the chains moving. After a QB Eagles-channeled 12-yard run by Majkowski moves the Packers near midfield, a sterling silver pass to Sterling Sharpe gets the Packers their first lead with a 65-yard connection.

Green Bay leads 21-17

On the ensuing kickoff, Jacke picks the ball up off the tee and places it at the Eagles own 49 yard line for the next drive. On the very first play, a QB Eagles bootleg run is good for a 39 yard gain, which is respectable by QB Eagle bootleg run standards. While Byars finds the end zone two plays later, he still trails his quarterback by about 975 rushing yards.

Philadelphia leads 24-21

Must be an extra puff of Philadelphia douchbaggery in that ball

Ruzek spoils the kickoff fun by actually getting the ball across Green Bay's goal line. Charles Wilson, fresh off his political stint and Afghan troop-rousing, takes the ball out to the 13-yard line. Majkowski starts it off promising with a 20-yard laser to Haddix, but then gets greedy with the same pass to Perry Kemp getting picked off by Ben Smith.

Quarter Four
The Eagles run two quick plays to begin the quarter, but soon are staring at the looming 3rd and 2 situation ahead of them. After somehow skirting the touted Green Bay third-down defense all day, Byars somehow gets a second wind and hoofs it down to the Green Bay 14-yard line. Not waiting for Brian Noble to finish double knotting his cleats, QB Eagles squeaks his way in for his second touchdown of the day.

Philadelphia leads 31-21

He was all-tool before Tim Allen made tools cool

The Eagles stuff Green Bay at their own 10-yard line on the ensuing kickoff, and the Majik man is staring at a long field ahead of him. With the time showing just over 3 minutes remaining, he pulls his team into the huddle to construct the perfect drive that will be executed quickly and with finesse, so that there would still be plenty of time remaining to try an onside kick. The first play from scrimmage is a beautiful Sharpe reverse that, while netting Green Bay an important 25 yards, also takes nearly 45 seconds off the clock. Pleased with his cunning abilities, Majkowski dumps a 6-yard pass off to Haddix in the middle of the field. A final timeout is called by the Packers, which is just want the doctor ordered, as on the very next play the Majik man actually gets the game within three with a perfectly lobbed meatball to the wide-open and new Green Bay folk hero Ed West.

Philadelphia leads 31-28

What Green Bay was like, pre-Favre (hard to imagine)

Infante boldly calls for the onside kick, and when Jacke shoots him a confused look, Infante shouts for him to just keep doing the same thing he's been doing all game. Jacke kicks it it midfield, and who else is there to scoop it up but QB Eagles. After running plenty of time off the clock with a few bootlegs, the Eagles face 3rd and 10 with 33 seconds left. If ever there was a time for Bob Nelson to grease his mustache and bear down, it was now. Or, perhaps another time, as QB Eagles finds a wide open Keith Jackson in the end zone for the final proverbial nail in the first of many proverbial coffins of this 1991 Green Bay squad's season.

Final: Eagles 38, Packers 28

The Majik man was sizzling with his 206 yards of passing and 4 touchdowns, but it was the two interceptions that were the real deal-breakers in this shootout. That, and the Packers stunning revulsion to stopping any third down conversions from occurring (there were 7...yes, I had to count them). QB Eagles was at the top of his game--while not always hitting the open receiver, his own special set of bionic legs carried him to two rushing touchdowns. His 120 yards led a team that ran up and down and all over what appeared to be an imposter Bob Nelson-led defense. Green Bay has a lot of work to do if they want to make any noise in the NFC. Philadelphia, on the other hand, has enough noise coming out of that city with Will Smith rapping about his parents that they don't really need help from the Eagles.