Monday Night Football: Buffalo vs. Indianapolis

Heading into the season, there was just a short list of things we knew about the Indianapolis Colts. Now, after just two games, we now know that Jeff George is the league's most prolific passer, while Jessie Hester is by far the best receiver at levitating footballs. Apparently he's pretty good at catching them too, leading the league in receiving yards and touchdowns after the first two weeks. Tonight, they'll meet up with divisional rivals in the Buffalo Bills, a team that was chewed up and spit out last week by the San Francisco offense. It will take a few more weeks to make believers out of anyone, but the Colts can make a big statement on the national stage if they can continue to click offensively while making sure to kick Jim Kelly and his boys around while they're down. Let's head out east where the only things rising earlier than the sun are Jeff George's botoxed eyebrows.

Quarter One
The Bills win the toss, eliciting Dean Biasucci to crawl out from his burrow and boot one Kenneth Davis. Davis gets a nice return to the Buffalo 45-yard line, where Jim Kelly and Thurman Thomas get to work. Thomas takes two straight pitches for 32 yards, then feigns another one to allow Kelly to drop back and launch it to a leaping Thurman in the end zone. Oh hey, Bills, nice to see you finally decided to show up this year!

Buffalo leads 7-0

Clarence Verdin won't be Verdancing on his first return of 2 yards, giving the Colts unfortunate starting position on their first drive of the game. Anthony Johnson makes the best of his immaculate abilities by busting loose for 11 yards on the first play from scrimmage, but George goes 0-for-3 on the next three plays to force audiences to be subjected to the name 'Rohn' showing up on their television sets.

Kelly finds Andre Reed wide open along the sideline for a 49-yard run and catch, surprisingly just their second such connection of the season. Two plays later, and Carwell Gardner is in for his first touchdown.

Buffalo leads 14-0

Verdin fares slightly better with a 35-yard return, though the quarter is destined to end with a deafening thud after Johnson runs into his own offensive tackle and George overthrows Jessie Hester by a country mile.

Quarter Two
Though if the Colts could only turn back time, they'd repeat the end of the first quarter endlessly to avoid the soul-crushing and drive-killing Jeff George interception in the end zone, the first of his season.

Thomas meets resistance for the first time in the game on the next two plays, losing a total of 6 yards. On 3rd and 16 and at the precipice of their own doom on the 1-yard line, Carwell Gardner hitches up the Bills' offense and avoids certain death with a 10-yard run. Of course, Chris Mohr is still rolled out to punt, but the constant derailing of the Colts' chances at scoring are sure to nab some sadism points.

The Colts begin their third drive of the game near midfield, picking up just their second first down with a Johnson run into Bills' territory. Two plays later lead to a 3rd-and-1 situation, where Rodney Culver avoids a Buffalo blitz and gains a valiant 4 yards and a fresh set of downs. His martyrdom will be honored and revered in Indianapolis for quite some time for his willingness to lay down his body for this rare opportunity, and for that we honor him with the screenshot you see on the right. Okay, now that we're done with that, we should probably tell you about Johnson's fumble over to Phil Hansen just as the Colts appeared to have something going. What's that? Rodney...who?

With just a few seconds left on the clock to get into field goal range and put this game effectively out of reach, the Bills opt instead to go with the "Hey, what a surprise, Reed's wide the f@ck open again" play along the sidelines that leads to his first touchdown of the season, a beautiful 51-yard mudhole stomp.

Buffalo leads 21-0

Halftime - Bills 21, Colts 0

Quarter Three
Indianapolis can take pleasure in knowing they've got a fresh start in the second half, and if it's believed that Ted Marchibroda delivered one of his inspiring speeches at halftime, then the Colts can still make some magic happen. And sometimes, the magic behind the act isn't always clear. So while most of us were groaning after Johnson's gain of 0 and Jeff George's passes to the moles living in the RCA Dome, the real believers knew the magic of Rohn Stark was just about to begin.

There's no magic involved when Kelly finds Reed for a 75-yard touchdown. Black magic, maybe.

Buffalo leads 28-0

If the Colts begin a drive at their own 42-yard line, and nobody has their televisions on to see it, did it really happen? The answer is yes, though it's an answer that took lots of hard work and cost a few lives here at the Tecmo Bowl to uncover. Johnson pulls in a catch and runs it to the Buffalo 31-yard line. Jeff George throws three more incompletions as he hurtles back down through the stratosphere, though Biasucci salvages something from this mess  with a 48-yard boot.

Buffalo leads 28-3

The third quarter ticks away into the fourth with the Bills actually taking more than three plays to get into Colts' territory again.

Quarter Four
Thurman Thomas is gobbled up by an inhumanely starved Colts defense on two straight plays, eliciting Kelly to go for Reed again on 3rd-and-15. An overthrow of the wide open Reed could just be a simple miscalculation on Kelly's part or perhaps the Bills actually exhibiting sportsmanlike play by not running up the score. Yeah, we blame Kelly too. Steve Christie still gets 3 points to erase anything the Colts' previously accomplished on their last drive.

Buffalo leads 31-3

Jeff George is politely introduced to Shane Conlan on the first play of what he hopes is the last drive of his life. He decides not to prolong it by throwing it to the renowned butterfingers of Anthony Johnson, and then lobbing it out of bounds on two separate occasions, including a 4th and 13 play from his own 27-yard line. Make sure to keep those eyes pinned open, Alex. This show's not done for a long time.

Jim Kelly gets chased down by a couple of Colts' defenders on the next play, and decides to effectively sign their pink slips by scampering 27 yards for a touchdown.

Buffalo leads 38-3

With little to no time left to get his passing accuracy into double digit percentages, George opts to go for broke with a bomb to tight end Kerry Cash. Instead, the ball finds Henry Jones of the Bills, a man who has caught more George passes today than anyone on his own team.

Thurman Thomas catches his second touchdown, giving Kelly 4 throwing scores on the day to equal the amount George had previously led the league with. Lady and gentlemen, we've been hustled.

Buffalo leads 45-3

The final drive of the game for the Colts begins promising with Verdin crossing over to the Buffalo 48-yard line. As the Bills defenders leave the field to celebrate their slaughter, Anthony Johnson runs 22 yards before falling into a sinkhole while Jessie Hester refuses to catch another ball. With one second left in which to score dignity points, Hester makes his first reception of the game at the Buffalo 10-yard line before tripping over a sleeping Nate Odomes and fumbling the ball out of bounds.

Final: Bills 45, Colts 3

Some people have watched vivisection documentaries and still walked away with more innocence and naivete than those of us subjected to this horror show. Jeff George was abysmal, though his receivers weren't much help. It's almost as if members of the Bills slipped some sort of hallucinogenic terror drug into the Colts' Gatorade to make them think the football was a flying tarantula. Of course, Buffalo always finds ways to torture their little brothers of the AFC West, no matter how well Indianapolis seems to be playing up to that point. Plus, we would never imagine Buffalo to resort to such nefarious means to win a game.

Week Three: This One's for Steve

It's week three, and we're here to document all of our favorite teams as they begin their quest to separate themselves from the pack. The stove has been turned down to simmer as we let the exciting boil of early September turn over to occasional stirring. We didn't 'Look Ahead' last week to these match-ups, and though that would usually be attributed to our laziness, this time around we did it out of respect to our mentor and hero, Steve Sabol of NFL Films. It's a little known fact that the writers here at the Tecmo Bowl usually recite each entry in their best Sabol voice before posting, and so it's only fitting that we ask you do the same this week.

1:00 Games

New Orleans (2-0) * Atlanta (2-0)

Bobby Hebert. Chris Miller. It was the marquee match-up of the NFC West this week, and it didn't disappoint. Though Bobby Hebert slipped a bit from his previous two dominating performances, he was still calm and collected in the face of calamity. Chris Miller was effective on the Atlanta side of the ball, though it may have been his one interception to Hebert's none that was the factor in this close ball game. The Saints improve their mark to 3-0, while Atlanta continues to remain a threat even in defeat.

Final Score: Saints 24, Falcons 20

Seattle (0-2) * New England (0-1)

Seattle. New England. Two teams on the hunt for their first win of the season. Seattle put up a tough fight last week against Kansas City, yet lost in the heartbreaking final moments of the game. They wouldn't have much time to mend, as the Patriots stole the victory away from the Seahawks in the final quarter again. Stan Gelbaugh's confidence remained shaken, throwing for just 46 yards with an interception. The Seahawks remain winless despite two close losses, and one could wonder if next week the Seattle quarterback carousel will shift.

Final Score: Patriots 21, Seahawks 17

N.Y. Giants (0-2) * Chicago (1-1)

Matt Bahr. Kevin Butler. How often are professional football contests decided on the ability of each team's kicker to put one through the uprights with the game on the line? While we can often recall many exciting and captivating moments with the kicker on the field, there are very few times when those moments involve the routine point after touchdown. Bahr missed one here, and it was the difference in a close game where neither quarterback exceeded 100 yards passing. The Giants continue to struggle, with not even a kicker to quell their descent.

Final Score: Bears 13, Giants 12

San Francisco (2-0) * N.Y. Jets (1-1)

Offense. Defense. Without one, the other could not exist. The 49ers put their perfect record on the line against a Jets team that had been punchless on defense up to this point. Today, New York put on a defensive front that was nearly enough to stop the mighty 49ers, holding them to just 68 yards rushing. However, Steve Young continued to remain just outside the shadow of Joe Montana with another impressive campaign, throwing over 200 yards with no mistakes and scoring a touchdown late to win. The NFC West remains as wild as ever.

Final Score: 49ers 21, Jets 17

Pittsburgh (1-1) * San Diego (2-0)

Merrill Hoge. Injuries. The two have become synonymous the past few years, and his early exit wrote a recipe for defeat for the second straight week in Pittsburgh. After an exciting opening week win over the Oilers, the Steelers have suffered a tough schedule, this week drawing the West division's powerhouse in the Chargers. Though Neil O'Donnell out-threw San Diego's savior, Stan Humphries, their continued inability to punch it in the end zone will inevitably lead to their sudden and disappointing playoff race departure.

Final Score: Chargers 17, Steelers 13

Minnesota (2-0) * Tampa Bay (1-1)

Fuad. Reveiz. Parts of a name that no two people have ever pronounced the same come together to form the man that won the third game in a row for Minnesota. Reggie Cobb was the first player to return from injury this season, but was held by a stout Vikings' defense for just 44 yards. Rich Gannon's lackluster 189 yards and 2 interceptions kept the Buccaneers in the game, though unfortunately they'd suffer the tough loss with the late Reveiz field goal. It's hard to fault them, however, when Reveiz's range includes all of Hennepin and parts of Ramsey and Dakota counties.

Final Score: Vikings 23, Buccaneers 21

Dallas (1-1) * Phoenix (0-2)

Troy Aikman. Chris Chandler. The main difference between these men, besides one being Charlie Brown's doppelganger, is that while they can both throw 80% Aikman will inevitably throw for at least 100 yards more. The Cowboys nab a winning record for the first time this year while keeping Phoenix in the dust, mainly behind Aikman's efficiency and Emmitt Smith's insatiable hunger for yards, gobbling up 112 of them on 10 attempts. In the end, the main difference between these teams is that one looks unstoppable, and the other lost Ricky Proehl for a few games.

Final Score: Cowboys 23, Cardinals 21

Houston (0-2) * Kansas City (1-1)

Moon. Krieg. That's exactly what the Chiefs fans did to show their distaste for their quarterback's performance as the Oilers ran roughshod for their first elusive win. Warren Moon was 90% effective, throwing for 337 yards and no interceptions, while Dave Krieg was arguably playing blindfolded with 79 yards and 2 picks. Curtis Duncan pulled down 125 of Moon's yards, which is easily more than all Chiefs receivers combined this season, and Houston appears ready for another death march through the AFC Central even with a two-game handicap.

Final Score: Oilers 31, Chiefs 17

Miami (1-0) * L.A. Rams (1-1)

Winning Streak. Tecmo Bowl Chances. Miami lost both in just their second game, falling by 10 points to the lowly Rams. Dan Marino was exciting as usual behind 251 yards and a couple touchdowns, but Jim Everett was a house ablaze with 337 passing yards and no interceptions to Marino's two. And Flipper Anderson may as well have been invisible on the field, as he burned the Dolphins on 5 catches for 134 yards. The Rams exhibited shades of their previous season's selves, down to Jim Everett's death glare and Cleveland Gary's cautionary smile.

Final Score: Rams 38, Dolphins 28

4:00 Games

Cincinnati (2-0) * Green Bay (1-1)

Boomer. Brett. Both names start with 'B', and both men threw 165 yards. While this is pretty standard for Boomer, it was a bit of a letdown after Brett's enormous performance from last week. Favre continues to show signs of rookie weaknesses, throwing one more pick than the seasoned Esiason, though it may have been the dominant Derrick Fenner that was the difference in this game, as he out-rushed Vince Workman by nearly 100 yards. Cincinnati keeps surprisingly stretching their division lead.

Final Score: Bengals 31, Packers 20

Philadelphia (1-1) * Denver (0-2)

100%. John Elway. Close, but it was Randall Cunningham who pulled out the perfect performance to keep his Eagles tied with the lead in the NFC East. Denver loses their closest game yet behind a John Elway performance that included 275 yards and 0 interceptions. Unfortunately, he is still shades behind Cunningham, as his season-leading 7 interceptions is well behind Randall's 0. The Broncos will have to pack up and try again next week, though nobody should be surprised if they still somehow find a way to lose while on their bye.

Final Score: Eagles 35, Broncos 33

Cleveland (0-2) * L.A. Raiders (1-1)

Mike Tomczak. Jeff Jaeger. One of these men has won more games for his team this season than the other. And if you guessed the man that Maroon 5 wrote about, you'd be blatantly wrong, but closer than guessing Tomczak. Jaeger hit one through the uprights in overtime to keep Cleveland winless, though if anyone had seen it after the suckfest between Tomczak and Jay Schroeder it'd be a minor miracle. And yes, if you're still faithfully reading as Steve Sabol, you just heard him say 'suckfest'.

Final Score: Raiders 20, Browns 17 (OT)

Washington (1-1) * Detroit (0-2)

Barry Sanders. Earnest Byner. One is the franchise player for his team, while the other is only entrusted to carry the ball 3 times in the entire game. Barry Sanders went out with an injury early in the game, but still outran his counterpart on the Washington side. And though he was gone, the Lions would go on to score a spirited 13 unanswered points for the comeback win over last year's NFC Champions. Whether it's a blip on the Redskins' radar or signs of the coming storm, this Byner boat is sinking fast.

Final Score: Lions 23, Redskins 21

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Monday Night Football will shine its spotlight in the east, where the Buffalo Bills are looking up at the Indianapolis Colts in the standings. Though there's always early-season shuffling going on in the NFL, there's never really been more of a chance for the Colts to make a statement than their week three match-up against Buffalo. The Colts are fresh off a stunning upset over Houston behind the league-leading passer through two weeks in Jeff George. Buffalo, meanwhile, is coming off a demoralizing loss to San Francisco, still looking for their offensive rhythm with Jim Kelly returning to take over for the much more efficient and intimidating QB Bills. It's a make-or-break moment for Indy, hoping to keep their momentum and remain undefeated over a struggling yet very angry Bills team. David takes on Goliath in our Monday Night match-up, with George needing his slingshot to be more accurate than ever before.

Jeff George: Half Skynyrd, Half Wu-Tang

Monday Night Football: Washington vs. Phoenix

And he's got a Score card to prove it!

It's Monday Night Football, and tonight presents an NFC East showdown between one-time Man of the Year Mark Rypien along with his Washington Redskins against the winless Phoenix Cardinals. So far the Redskins have been improbably good, and most of it is due to Rypien's even more improbably perfect statistics. We could go on and on about Rypien, but that would give us less time to mention his daughter and how good she looks in a black, lacy bra. While her passer rating may not ever eclipse her father's, her bust size does, and for that we have to give the man props despite what may happen on tonight's stage. Although Phoenix, as expected, has netted just zero wins to this point, they are primed to play the part of the spoiler--especially against a fellow NFC East opponent--and with the unstoppable force that is Johnny Johnson on their side, the odds are that much better. Let's head to Phoenix now, where it's said the sun never sets; unless you're talking about the Cardinals' playoff hopes.



Quarter One
The Redskins are the winners of the coin toss, which gives them the option to kick or receive. They take the road traveled very heavily and elect to receive. Brian Mitchell gets them to the Washington 46 for promising field position, and Mark Rypien takes his perfect passer rating to the field for the first play of the game, which is an Ernest Byner run for no gain. Smartly enough, Joe Gibbs calls for the same play on second down, and when it's run for no gain again, Gibbs retires and offensive coordinator Don Breaux takes over. Breaux decides to run things a little differently around here, and asks for Ernest Byner to take it up the middle this time. While the play is successful in regards that it was run for positive yards, it did not net the necessary 10 yards for a first down and Kelly Goodburn is on to punt from near midfield.

Looks like one unnamed Redskin had to stop for a breath
at the 49 yard line

The Cardinals take the field, and the Phoenix fans in attendance groan their disappointment. Their displeasure is heard loud and clear by Charles Mann, who busts through the Phoenix front unchallenged and takes Rosenbach to the dirt. Unfazed, Rosenbach is up in a matter of ten minutes or so, and the next play is a Johnny Johnson run up the gut. Like a Cardinal possessed, Johnson busts through the middle, kicks off a few blockers, and shoots across the field at the speed of Eric Metcalf for a 55-yard gain to the Redskins 30. A dunk to Ernie Jones for 14, followed by two runs from Johnson for 10 and the Cardinals are facing first and goal with the length of Vai Sikahema's name to go. Joe Bugel pulls out the 'Worst Plays to Use in the Red Zone' Playbook and calls for a flea flicker, which meets an amazing failure even by flea flicker standards. Two goal line stands by the underrated Redskins defense, including one blitz of Rosenbach, and Phoenix blows their first and probably only chance for a statement score and Al Del Greco is on to nobody's excitement for three points.

Phoenix leads 3-0

Although the Cardinals didn't get the amount of points they were streaking towards, they did succeed in wiping out ample amounts of clock time, and by the time Washington takes the kickoff and runs a few meaningless plays, the punter is on again with time running out in the quarter.

Quarter Two
The Cardinals take another touchback, and Rosenbach is out to prove there can be more than one quarterback whose last name starts with an 'R' that can play above his head. His first piece of evidence is tossed out with an incomplete lob to Ricky Proehl. He's bailed out on the next play, however, when Coach Bugel runs the Proehl reverse for a loss of 5 yards. Undaunted, he calls for it again, shooing away any and all objections by the Phoenix coaching staff and thousands of television viewers, and it predictably loses another yard. Rich Camarillo on to punt.

Don't you dare tell him his name's too long for Tecmo screen

Rypien starts his team at the Washington 21, but is driven back 4 yards by a man known only to his mortal enemies as 'Freddie Joe Nunn'. Ernest Byner takes the ball on the next play for a positive 6 yards. Washington faces a possible third 3-and-out, but Rypien laughs his strange Canadian laugh in the face of his situation throws a beautiful rainbow pass to Art Monk for 35 yards into Phoenix territory. Two plays later and Rypien threads it to Monk again, but it's wildly overthrown and Monk only has the entire field open ahead of him. On 3rd and 10, Rypien meets the fate he dodged on the last series when the Gary Clark reverse is only good for 4 yards. Chip Lohmiller is out for his first attempt from 55 yards, but the kick sails wide left. Cardinals fans start hoping the NFL decides that a game should only last two quarters.

Phoenix takes over on downs at their own 37-yard line with 1:44 remaining. Their intelligently planned drive comes to a screeching halt right away when Rosenbach is sacked for a loss of 9 by Marcus "It's pronounced 'COOK'" Koch. Coach Bugel brings his team to the sidelines with a timeout to calm them down, but apparently Rosenbach missed the huddle when, on the next play, he runs out of the pocket screeching and lobs up an interception to Todd Bowles.

Washington drains some time off the clock with a Clark reverse that's good for 5 yards to the Phoenix 35-yard line. Coach Gibbs is back in his head coach position, and his conservative nature calls for a field goal from 50 yards out with 45 seconds left. Lohmiller over-corrects his last try and misses wide right this time, then tells his team "well there's a reason they only call me Chip and not 'Long Kick' Lohmiller". Gibbs retires again.

I only took high school physics, but even I know this is off...

3/4 of Cardinals fans are already in the bathroom right now

With 21 seconds left and Phoenix starting from an unpromising field position at their own 34, Coach Bugel calls for a meaningless Johnson run up the middle, which ends up going for 66 yards to paydirt. Bugel's wife reminds him later that night that it pays to lower people's expectations.

Phoenix leads 10-0

Halftime - Redskins 0, Cardinals 10




Quarter Three
Vai Sikahema returns the kick all the way to the Phoenix 15-yard line for their worst starting field position all day. Luckily for them, it's also a chance for a Johnny Johnson 85-yard touchdown run to put the game away. Unfortunately, however, it would seem that the Cardinals' offense has gone to the well one too many times, and Johnson is stuffed for a loss of 4 yards on 1st down. Attempting to reverse their luck, Phoenix runs the Proehl reverse, but the loss of 10 makes the first play look like a rousing success. On 3rd and 16, the play is blitzed by the Redskins defense, and Rosenbach nearly avoids a safety. Camarillo punts from the shadow of his own goal post.

They're missing "The Truth" from his name

From their own 42-yard line, Rypien gets to work fast, ripping one over the outstretched hands of Cedrick Mack to Gary Clark, who high-steps in for a 58-yard catch and run. That makes it eight touchdowns for Rypien with no picks, causing Phoenix fans to wonder if they've finally unleashed the beast.

Phoenix leads 10-7

The Cardinals start to feel the pressure cooker heating up, and decide to counteract the quick strike of Rypien by picking the Proehl reverse, good for only a loss of six yards this time. Two failed runs by Johnson bring on fourth down, and the panic button is firmly pressed on the Phoenix sideline.

The Redskins start at their own 20-yard line after a touchback. A Rypien blocked pass followed by a 5-yard loss by Earnest Byner puts Washington in a perilous 3rd and 15, and their promising start to the half is shut down by an important Eric Hill sack to get the ball back.

Phoenix uses the remaining 33 seconds of the quarter to run a Johnson pitch for 8 yards, followed by a Proehl reverse that all but wipes that gain out.

Quarter Four
On 3rd and 12, the Cardinals go all out with the flea flicker, but it's riskily and somewhat sadly picked by the Redskins defense and Phoenix loses an additional 11 yards. Camarillo's on, and the only star of the Cardinals' offense punts it down to the Washington 20-yard line. Pride of the Fighting Irish, Joe Howard returns the punt for a huge 17 yards before getting his head corked and needing medical assistance off the field.

The Phoenix cornerback apparently can't read 'X's'

Mark Rypien, apparently not having taken his bipolar meds all day, lobs a 51 yard pass to Ricky Sanders to threaten a lead mid-way through the quarter. Coach Gibbs is back on the field, scrambling for a headset, and screams for the Clark reverse. It's good for 4 yards, and across the field Coach Bugel is taking notes. Byner manages to run around the end of the Cardinals' defense while at the same time holding on to the ball, which makes it first and goal for the Redskins with 2 yards to go. A Byner run up the middle later, and Washington takes its first and very pivotal lead of the game.

Washington leads 14-10

With 2:39 remaining in the game, Rosenbach leads his offense out on to the field with calmness prevailing. Johnson once again leads the ground attack with a 4-yard rush, followed by another battle that's barely good for a first down. A fake reverse to Proehl nets Johnson another 5 yards, and Phoenix takes a timeout to figure out how the heck this is actually working. The clock shows 1:56 when Rosenbach tosses one to Walter Reeves for another first down and Phoenix finds themselves in Washington territory. The drive that could have been talked about for the next four hours on Sportscenter comes to a screeching halt, however, when Rosenbach heaves up an ill-timed pass to Proehl that Todd Bowles pulls down for his second pick of the day.

Coach Gibbs, who's already proudly boasting of his comeback, decides to throttle the Cardinals even more when he calls for a Rypien pass to Art Monk at the Cardinals' 34-yard line, which Monk easily takes in for a second score due to Phoenix running a blitz defense.

Washington leads 21-10

The Cardinals are on the sidelines orchestrating a huge comeback with plays designed to strike fast and catch Washington on its heels. While they are preparing this, Sikahema takes the kick and scrambles for about 30 seconds, which is just about enough time for the game clock to expire.

I'm proud to say this is in the running for Tecmo screenshot of the year

Final: Redskins 21, Cardinals 10

Rypien had another perfect night with two touchdowns and no interceptions, while Cardinals' QB Timm Rosenbach just got in the way of Johnny Johnson's pretty big performance of 149 rushing yards. It took Washington a while to get going, just long enough for hope to shine in through the slats of Sun Devil Stadium, but by quarter three they awoke and never stopped pouring it on. Phoenix falls to 0-3, which is predictable, but the Redskins running out an undefeated streak is nothing short of remarkable. I am halfway excited to see how long Rypien can stretch out this godlike performance, but not nearly as excited to see Angela Rypien in the next Seattle Mist calendar.

Football Night in America: Denver vs. Seattle

Many battles have been won or lost due to this very screen

Earlier today saw the fall of Kansas City to 2-1, and the surprising Chargers of San Diego remain undefeated. To keep pace atop the division, Seattle will need their defense to keep a watchful eye on John Elway and his knack for the big play. The Seahawks are at home, putting Dave Krieg at a disadvantage for when the inevitable booing commences, but if he can somehow keep the Seahawks in the game long enough for his defense to score a few times, then he may be able to avoid the snarky comments until he gets into bed with his wife tonight. It's a beautiful night for Sunday Night Football in Seattle, with the forecast not calling for rain for the next seven minutes.


Quarter One
Seattle wins the toss, and a Chris Warren dash out to the Seattle 45-yard-line puts the Seahawks in prime punting position to start the game. Dave Krieg marches out to a chorus of pre-teen girls shrieking and lifting their shirts, and he appeases them all on second down when he completes a pass to Brian Blades for a 50 yard gain. Krieg lifts his own jersey to reveal 'Kelly Stouffer Rocks Dick' tattooed on his chiseled abs. John L. Williams, emphasis on the 'L', carries the ball for 8 yards, and when Krieg overthrows Tommy Kane in the end zone it's 3rd and 2. Williams gets the ball again, but is blitzed, and Stormin' Norm Johnson is out to punch in the first points of the game after an underwhelming finish to the first Seattle drive.

Seattle leads 3-0

Johnson did eventually find the end zone on this play

Vance Johnson helps the Denver cause out with a return to the Broncos' 48-yard line to start the drive. Bobby Humphrey gets the early workload with a run up the middle for 6 yards, and then a long catch-and-run for 32. But it is Johnson himself who gets to wash in the glory after a reverse pitch sadly fools the usually stalwart Seattle defense and Denver takes the lead.

Denver leads 7-3

Warren continues the streak of good field position with a return to the Seattle 46-yard line. Derrick Fenner promptly wipes out 2 of those yards, but redeems himself on the next play with a carry of 13 that is fumbled out of bounds for a confusing first down. When he loses two yards on the next play, Krieg kicks him out of the huddle and goes to the air on second down. Ron Heller, prized tight end from THE Oregon State and Super Bowl ring possessor with the 49ers, pulls down an 18-yard pass for a first down; however, the promising young season for Heller is cut short as he's carried off the field with a noticeable limp. Krieg, understandably shaken by the loss of his star tight end, scrambles for a yard on the next play, and then throws an incompletion as the quarter comes to a suddenly somber end.

Johnson barely got this one over the moat

Quarter Two
On 3rd and 9, John L. Williams, who nobody has ever confused with a Hollywood composer of the same name, carries the ball for only a meaningless yard. Sure-footed Norm Johnson kicks the 42-yard attempt wide left and the Seahawks are putting their undefeated streak and the chance that someone will survive a Tommy Kane mugging after the game in jeopardy.

Denver takes over at their own 32-yard line, and Mike Horan is on to punt from the 31 after the Broncos net a grand total of -1 yards on the drive.

Ironically, the other John Williams composed a score for
this fumble recovery by the punter

Horan, hero of his 3-on-3 pick-up game last Wednesday afternoon, unleashes his Superman-cape again when he scoops up a Warren fumble. He returns it to the Seattle 19-yard line, and suddenly the Seahawks look as doomed as the three Kryptonians trapped in the Phantom Zone. The Seahawks defense once again stands strong on the drive, however, with a few blitzes of John Elway and Steve Sewell to force a David Treadwell kick. The Broncos take a 7 point lead.

Denver leads 10-3

Warren gets the ball out to the Seattle 38, and on his way off the field he shouts at Krieg that he doesn't want to see the ball again before the end of the half. Krieg obliges with two straight incompletions, and suddenly the Seahawks are quickly facing 3rd and 10 after some poor clock management from Tom Flores' squad. Luckily, a 43-yard reception from Tommy Kane breathes new life into the Seahawks' hopes for some points before halftime. A Williams fumble swiftly erases any chance of that, unless you want to give the Seattle offense style points for kicking the ball around for fifteen seconds.

Kind of exaggerating the turf toe, aren't we Bobby?

During Denver's next possession, a Seattle fan proposed to his girlfriend in front of the concession stands, and a baby's diaper had to be changed. Oh yes, and Bobby Humphrey was injured after a meaningless 6-yard run.

Halftime - Broncos 10, Seahawks 3

Quarter Three
Modern-day renaissance man Vance Johnson carries the return out to the Denver 39-yard line. Despite the lead, the Broncos have only been on the field for a combined three Tecmo minutes, hardly enough time to ruin John Elway's flowing quaff. Nonetheless, he dons his not-clashing-in-the-least blue and orange helmet and gets to work. A beautifully executed lob to Johnson on first down for 53 yards gets the Broncos to first and goal with 8 yards to go, a distance that Elway covers in about 56 seconds for their second touchdown of the game.

Denver leads 17-3

I wish my expected job duties had exclamation points, too.

Elway's off the field in just over a minute, and so the exhausted and overworked Seattle offense is back on and starting at their own 35. Williams is entrusted with a pitch that's good for 15 yards, while Fenner is entrusted to be on the field during the next play. He ends up getting involved, much to the displeasure of all the Seahawks fans and a majority of the coaches, and his net gain of -1 yards quietly and sadly vindicates their preconditions. Even when Krieg wildly overthrows Kane for an interception by Steve Atwater, the fans are still crying for Fenner's head.

Former Broncos star running back and Southern Mississippi alum Sammy Winder is in for Bobby Humphrey, and his return to greatness begins with a 2-yard loss. Sewell gets involved on the next play for a 13-yard gain, a yardage amount that is replicated on an unexpected, yet somehow very expected, Vance Johnson reverse. Dan Reeves seizes the moment, and just when Seattle is thinking that a Johnson reverse is too predictable, Denver runs the Johnson reverse for 11 more yards. Elway goes to the air on the next play and has a pass fall into the protecting arms of Mark Jackson, who falls down at the Seattle half-yard line. The Seahawks defense faces one of their toughest challenges of the day with a goal line stand on first down, and allowing the Johnson reverse go in for a touchdown makes Seattle fans everywhere wonder if there are more things challenging the Seahawks' defense than just football.

Denver leads 24-3

Warren, who has spent more time on the field and racked up more yards than the entire Seattle offense, takes the ball to the Seahawks' 48. Williams takes it for five more yards into Broncos' territory as the quarter expires.

Quarter Four
Williams converts his second positive-yardage play in a row for 9 yards. On first and 10, Krieg flings a pass for a 38-yard touchdown completion to Travis McNeil, and the Seahawks have scored their first touchdown at a point in the game where 75% of the Seattle fans didn't get to see it.

Denver leads 24-10

The swan song of Sammy Winder: is this finally his year?

An inspired monster kick and stuff of Vance Johnson at his own 9-yard line is enough to get the sidelines fired up. It should be taken into account, however, that it's the Denver sideline that's excited, knowing that they have enough field left to run down the clock and score a dagger. An Elway dunk to Winder is good for 14 yards, but his job isn't done yet. Winder takes the ball again for a long 43-yard run, reflecting shades of his former Super Bowl-losing caliber of play. Two plays later it's 3rd and 9, and as the clock slowly ticks away on Seattle's short undefeated season, the Seahawks' reclaim their dignity on a blitz of Elway that forces Treadwell to miss from 53 yards.

Krieg takes over on downs, and on the first play he has all day to find out which of his four wide-open receivers he wants to overthrow, eventually deciding on Williams. The next play is a run play involving the glory-robbed Williams, who runs for 10 yards and a first down. Seattle uses its last time out with 1:41 remaining, in order to call another wild overthrow of McNeal. His next pass is even less successful, when what seems like an innocent overthrow of Brian Blades is intercepted by Wymon Henderson.

Two Steve Sewell rushes have the clock running down to less than 10 seconds, and on third down Elway risks throwing the ball instead of kneeling like a good sport, but his interception-less day is safe when a nameless Seattle defender bats the ball away instead of pulling it in, cementing a barf-worthy effort by the now cast-aside Seahawks defense.

Final: Broncos 24, Seahawks 10

Dave Krieg took a dookie on the national stage, and now the Seahawks fall into a second place tie with their recent foes in Denver and the Barry Word-led offense in Kansas City. Elway was his normal charming self with a modest 126 yards of passing, but his no picks to Dave Krieg's two are the real sign of a seasoned quarterback versus an over-zealous amateur. While there is work to be done on Seattle's ground game, Denver seems to have found their blessing in disguise with Sammy Winder coming out of his back-up role into the primary Broncos halfback position. Important divisional match-ups lie ahead for both teams, and Denver has a chance to jump-start their suddenly very real hopes of a divisional championship next week against San Diego. Seattle, meanwhile, will hold on to their hopes of getting a mid-season trade of Derrick Fenner to Kansas City for Christian Okoye; a hope that holds as much flicker as Krieg's chances of healing his chlamydia.
 

Week Three: Return to Glory

We stumble into Week 3 with more questions than answers. Who will tear away from the four-way tie in the AFC East? Who on the Philadelphia staff will need a fire extinguisher handy on the sidelines for QB Eagles? And finally, who does Barry Sanders have to kill to get a win around here? (And don’t say Rodney Peete—the sharks in Vegas have dibs on him). The early division leaders are looking for a return to glory, and though it's only Week 3 it's an important time to keep those ugly early season prognosticators (such as myself) at bay.

1:00 Games

A Tom Rathman-led offense, though exciting, rarely wins

Minnesota (1-1) at San Francisco (1-1)

And the questions keep pouring in after the Vikings, with their thus-far impotent offense and as-of-yet non-existent defense, handily defeat the Niners at home. Wade Wilson appallingly throws for 100 more yards than Joe Montana, and the Vikings serve up 17 first downs on a San Francisco team with a lot of explaining to do after dropping two in a row to highly inferior teams. Luckily for them, they reside in the NFC West, home to midget rodeos, Chris Miller, and the entire New Orleans Saints.

Final Score: Vikings 31, 49ers 17

LA Rams (2-0) at New Orleans (0-2)

Also luckily for them, Tecmo and its unhealthy passion for parity lets the searing hot Rams drop a cold turd in New Orleans, losing to a field goal in the final quarter. This may or may not have been an exciting game to watch: May have, because of the combined 669 passing yards, with Dynamite Willie Anderson dragging down 182 while Brent Perriman played catch-up with 158 of his own. May not have, because it was played in the Superdome.

Final Score: Saints 24, Rams 21

Indianapolis (1-1) at LA Raiders (0-2)

This one was about as cringe-worthy as it gets, but the Colts somehow stick it out for all four quarters in the absence of Albert Bentley and pull away at the end with a touchdown. If it’s any consolation to the Raiders, Bo Jackson did come to play with 102 rushing yards on the day. Jay Schroeder, on the other hand, came to only complete 44% of his passes and throw up a couple of picks, prompting any sane sportswriter to mention that at least he accomplished putting his jersey on the right way this morning.

Final Score: Colts 21, Raiders 17

NY Giants (0-2) at Chicago (1-1)

The Giants continue their free-fall here with a loss in Chicago to the slightly non-threatening Bears. Neal Anderson was back in business with a respectable 92 yards rushing. Phil Simms and his shades of Jay Schroeder were the death knell of his squad, with only a 30% completion rate and 2 picks, and somewhere along the New Jersey turnpike fans are constructing ‘Hoss or Bust’ billboards, rife with suggestive mustache poses.

Final Score: Bears 27, Giants 10

Stripes v. Skins: The age-old battle

Cincinnati (1-1) at Cleveland (1-1)

The first in a series titled “The Battle for Ohio”, or, for us non-natives, “The Battle of Boomer’s Bulge” did not provide many exciting storylines at this juncture, but there were some exciting statistics. James Brooks tried his best to keep the Bengals from bungling this one with 129 rushing yards, but QB Browns was slightly sharper with 339 yards passing and no interceptions. Reggie Langhorne helped his boss keep his job with 138 yards receiving and a few TDs, and Cleveland keeps pace with Warren Moon’s flashy smile.

Final Score: Browns 34, Bengals 23

Houston (2-0) at Kansas City (2-0)

The Oilers skirted past the undefeated Chiefs with 13 unanswered 4^th quarter points, and by skirted we mean they made Kansas City look like a bunch of little girls. Warren Moon was his prolific self, but the Oilers ground game showed some flaws with a total of 22 yards rushing. However, when Barry Word is the leading receiver on the opposing team with 65 yards, it all of a sudden looks like a minor first-world problem.

Final Score: Oilers 27, Chiefs 21

Close your eyes and say 'Steve Grogan v. Bubby Brister'
Now open them. Yes, you're still in the same dimension

New England (0-2) at Pittsburgh (1-1)

Pittsburgh, the heroes of last week’s Bills-thumping, drop one here to the winless Patriots of New England. Bubby Brister fought toe-to-toe with Steve Grogan, and if you need to re-read that sentence I’ll give you a minute while I make a sandwich. Now that I’m back, I’ll explain that Grogan was playing over his head with 259 yards passing and completing 81% of his passes with no picks. Let me be the first to jump on this bandwagon; don’t worry, there’ll still be room for a few more years.

Final Score: Patriots 28, Steelers 24

Green Bay (1-1) at Tampa Bay (1-1)

The Packers had a chance to keep their momentum, and luckily for them they drew a Buccaneers squad that didn’t feel like winning twice in a row. Green Bay had 165 yards on the ground and converted 19 first downs. Tampa Bay hosted two back-to-back retirement parties at the Seaside Lodge and Casino. So if you had any questions as to Vinny Testaverde’s whereabouts, that should answer it for you.

Final Score: Packers 36, Buccaneers 28

4:00 Games

San Diego (2-0) at Atlanta (0-2)

San Diego’s leading performers were Anthony Miller and his 139 receiving yards and Quinn Early with 51 rushing yards. While Atlanta can claim a small victory in keeping Marion Butts quiet, the fact that their leading performers were somehow 50 yards shy in both aspects of the game usually means the season is pack-in-able at this point. The Chargers move temporarily into 1^st place, and already BJ Tolliver is popping bottles and making it rain in the team’s locker room.

Final Score: Chargers 21, Falcons 17

Buffalo (1-1) at NY Jets (1-1)

The first place tie atop the AFC East is broken by the Bills’ comeback tour, starting in New York and rifling its way across the entire United States and parts of Southeast Asia. Buffalo scores in the last quarter to the despair of Jets fans and sheer rage and shoulder-shrugging ‘what-else-is-new’ sentiment of every Tecmo enthusiast. There’s no need to go into the menial stats of this game; all that needs to be mentioned is that QB Bills isn’t really that bad of a guy once you get to know him.

Final Score: Bills 24, Jets 17

The Comeback Kids pour it on, and the flavor's 'Extra Bold'

Philadelphia (2-0) at Dallas (1-1)

The 4^th quarter comeback by Dallas will be something that’s spoken about when talking about their history for the next two years, until they win three Superbowls and nobody cares any longer that their 17 unanswered points in a Week 3 game was a big deal. But right now, it is, and maybe the even bigger deal is that Keith Byars led the Eagles’ ground game with only 32 yards. Question marks surround the health of QB Eagles in this game, until one realizes he was at Hee Haw’s BBQ until four in the A.M.

Final score: Cowboys 24, Eagles 21

Miami (1-1) at Detroit (0-2)

The ‘Phins keep pace with Buffalo in the East after a predictable win over the forlorn Lions of Detroit. Barry Sanders is held to only 38 yards rushing, but most of that may be related to a bad case of apathy that usually sets in throughout the Motor City by this point in the season. Rodney Peete does manage to throw for a respectable 210 yards, but the Miami ground game ran up and down the field on Detroit for 170 yards. Detroit can take solace in the fact that Tigers’ pitchers and catchers report in just 5 months.

Final Score: Dolphins 34, Lions 21

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Tonight we'll bookend an exciting day of flavorful football with a clash between two quarterbacks that were no doubt covering thousands of teenage girls bedroom walls in the 90s. It'll take a whole barrage of Bronco offense to unseat the division leaders and the old defensive benchmarks in the Seahawks, but if anyone's up to the task it's the ol' Buckin' Bronco himself, John Elway. It's an AFC West showdown with somewhat important implications for how the end may play out, which is sure to be just as wild as the west itself once was, before Derrick Fenner was given a football team to play for.

Suave has a name: Krieg.

Hee-haw!!

Looking Ahead: Week Three

The second week of exciting Tecmo action is behind us, but the after effects are sure to linger for some time. Or, at least until the Indianapolis Colts are contracted during Week 5. Buffalo is in a four-way tie in its division, while the 49ers are looking up at a suddenly solid L.A. Rams squad. Meanwhile, the rest of the teams are only separated by a game or two but some standouts are on the rise. Philadelphia is being pulled along on the back of their work-horse QB Eagles, whereas the AFC West race will go down to the final week, when Christian Okoye pulls Howie Long on his back for 300 yards and 4 touchdowns.

The first group of early Sunday games will be a litmus test for some teams looking to pull out from the muck of the early-season logjam. The Rams face an important game in New Orleans, where they can rein in a convincing third win, or play beneath themselves and allow the 49ers a window at home against the flawed Vikings. Tecmo is famous for bashing in the hopes and dreams of early-season surprises, leaving them lying broken on the ground and forming the basis of a popular Q Lazzarus tune.

Don't underestimate the world-famous Seattle 'Black Hole' D

The Giants of New York look to get out from their winless ways in Chicago, against a Bears team whose confidence was tested in a loss to the lowly Buccaneers of Tampa Bay. During the week, Jim Harbaugh told the Chicago Tribune that "it's still early" and "we still have time to pull it together". One quote that was apparently left on the editing room floor, however, was a candid Harbaugh shouting "And tell Wayne Haddix that his sister left her purse on my night stand last night!"

Perhaps the marquee match-up would be the game of undefeated division leaders when Houston travels to Kansas City and the dangerous Arrowhead Stadium, where the chilly fall air will be sure to keep Warren Moon's passes from reaching international space station altitudes. It may be too early to tell who the early favorite is in the meeting of this blog's prediction of division winners, but we'll just say that if Lorenzo White is involved, the Oilers will be riding a quiet bus home.

In the night games, the Bills and Jets clash in a game that will hopefully give one team in the AFC a foothold in the division. And the foot that it will belong to is a size 12 custom-made Reebok worn by Thurman Thomas. The Cowboys face an early season test against the dominant Eagles in Philadelphia, putting the rest of the division on notice. While QB Eagles' 241 rushing yards to Troy Aikman's 0 look to tell the tale of the season so far, the fact that he has 6 more yards per attempt than Emmitt Smith tell the tale that the Dallas 'D' may be interested in reading, provided the stories are in book-on-tape format.

NBC's Football Night in America game on Sunday night will feature an AFC West showdown with the Broncos visiting Seattle to play the Dave Krieg-led Seahawks. Seattle has stormed out to a quiet 2-0 record, while Denver struggled with two teams that will end with a combined 8-24 record in the Bengals and Raiders. This could be another tight one for Denver, with John Elway riding his team like a pack of wild horses into a first-place tie with Seattle, or another blowout for Seattle featuring Derrick Fenner racking up tens of yards.

Canada: Thanks for the bacon, but you can have Rypien back

Monday Night Football will end our third exciting week with an appearance by a football team, the Washington Redskins. Phoenix will show up as well, but even Timm Rosenbach's forehead isn't big enough to hold the amount of yards Mark Rypien will rack up against their sieve-like defense. Speaking of Mark Rypien, putting up the kinds of numbers that he's doing will inevitably draw some sort of investigation, even if it is only done by me, and instead of Mark Rypien, the investigation will be on his daughter's Lingerie Football League photo sho---er, stats page.

Standings after the hump---er, jump.


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 AFC

 NFC