THE BOOK OF TECMO

At long last, it's here. I truly feel as though I've given birth. Thanks for everyone who's stuck by me through the process, egged me on, offered advice and to those who have already gobbled up early copies.

Here is a quick FAQ if you've somehow stumbled here on your own.

Q: Why?
A: My first love, believe it or not, isn't Tecmo. It's writing. Whether it's the cold drivel I write for my job or fun, meandering fiction, I enjoy it beyond measure. For a long time, however, I've been stuck. For most of my life, strange and bizarre dreams have inspired my writing, but I'd been without these friends for a long time. Just a few days removed from Tecmo IX: Marino Royale, I had one of those dreams—which is believable, considering how much Tecmo ruled over the past week or so of my life. So I woke up, filled a cup of coffee, and began outlining this crazy story as it came to me from the muses in my own little dream-world.

Q: What?
A: Along with writing, I also do enjoy a game of Tecmo Super Bowl here and there. Never did I realize the amount of skills or knowledge that some people possess, however, leaving me light years behind. Still, I find the game captivating for the same reasons the veterans do; one of those being the characters (just look at the past 2 years of this blog). Now, of course, the characters in the game are based off of real people, but over the 20+ years the game has been around, they've almost taken on a life of their own. And so, even knowing I may have to lawyer up, I got to work on yet another video game novelization—this time, based on Tecmo Super Bowl.

And I sincerely hope you enjoy what I did with these characters that have been a part of your own lives for so very long.

Hard copies are available now right HERE. If you're a collector of rare artifacts, I suggest you buy one now. I'm in the process of editing noticeable typos and possible continuity issues for a 2nd edition, but I wanted to get up the un-edited versions now for those who wanted a little treat before Gannonball Run.

You can also get a Kindle version HERE.

I am forwarding any royalties to the different charitable organizations run by the players I mention in this book. Some people have asked me why I'm doing this. The purpose of this is two-fold: I don't feel I should make money on the backs of others, and I feel the work these guys do is far more worthy and important than me writing libel about them for fun. Plus, I don't really expect this to make the kinds of money that would make a difference in my life. It's just for fun, and to see a smile on the faces of people who've kindly let me enter their fold on the Tecmo scene.

Thanks again. Your resident Tecmo Bowl Writer,

Butt Douglas

The Book of Tecmo: Chapter Two

Jim

He looked into the eyes of the creature. It stood, alert, afraid to make the first move. Not even a blink. Just a cold, glossy stare; a faint hint of cold breath escaping its nostrils.

Jim grimaced, eyeing the doe through the sight of his Browning A-Bolt Medallion. “Come on, you lousy bitch...” he muttered, his hunting partner Brett within earshot but daring himself not to reply. He knew Jim was waiting for a broadside shot into the heart of the beast to take it down quickly; dead in its tracks.

Suddenly, the snap of a twig. The doe twitched, unsure of its next course of action. Then the source of the clatter appeared: a young fawn, perhaps a yearling, moving closer to its mother from out of some nearby brush.

“Look at that,” Brett whispered. Even in hushed tones, his southern Mississippi drawl was distinguishable. He turned to his hunting partner, expecting him to stand down. Instead, Jim let out a low moan as he tried to adjust his vision. “Jim,” Brett said, “Jim, don’t take the shot.”

Jim’s response was a soft grunt and a quick sideways glance. He adjusted his position once more. Brett opened his mouth to speak once again, but was interrupted when the foot Jim was resting up against a stump slipped. Perhaps knowing her hunter's concentration was lost for that split second, the doe released the tension in its muscles and turned. Brett wasn’t ready for the shot.

Neither was the doe.

It collapsed where it stood, but didn’t give up the ghost right away. The yearling had already scattered, disappearing as mysteriously as it had come, leaving its mother to writhe in the frosted leaves of the forest floor. Jim set his gun down beside himself, wearing a crooked smile. Brett sat up from his laying position and scooted up against a nearby tree. He knew better than to say anything, but couldn’t hide the morose look upon his weathered face.

He watched his friend, a man he’d gone hunting with more and more frequently over the last few years of his retirement, as he approached the still-breathing victim of his latest hunt. He’d seen Jim kill countless animals with expert precision—no different than how he handled the football during his playing days. Lord knows he’d seen plenty of bloodshed over the past four years; however, this felt different. This wasn’t the same, happy Jim, excited for the thrill of the hunt though always humane and fair in his process.

From his sightline, Brett couldn’t see Jim drive his hunting knife down into the doe’s jugular, but he knew that’s exactly what the former Buffalo great was doing. The same hands that had thrown with such finesse as the franchise’s most prolific passer were now being used to kill another of God’s creatures in cold blood. All Brett could do was sigh and turn his head away. Think about something else. His wife, Deanna. His daughters. His granddaughter, who was now five years old, believe it or not.

But all that made him do was to think of Jim again. The terrible loss he suffered nearly 10 years ago, in 2005, when his son Hunter died far too young from a nerve disease. Why did God bless me with such a beautiful family, Brett thought. Why, when he’d taken so much from Jim?

The loss of his son had inspired Jim to start a charity for other sufferers of the same disease, and to raise awareness for the ailment. For the longest time, it had been Jim’s life work. Even at the beginning of their hunting trips after Brett’s retirement from pro football, that was all Jim could talk about. Hunter’s Hope, it was called. Hope for those stricken with the disease; that they may see a brighter future. Hope for those yet to be born, that there may one day be a cure.

Over the past year, however, it seemed as if that hope was beginning to fade. Jim didn’t say as much, but Brett could see it. Jim’s eyes betrayed it. The way he’d looked past Brett each time they’d try to have a conversation. How his responses had gone from long-winded tales to short, curt responses. Sometimes yes, mostly no, usually a shrug. It was almost as if a new disease had entered Jim—or, perhaps a poison. A venom.

Jim stood. His hands dripped warm, dark red blood, burning into the frost below. He turned to face Brett but didn’t look at his friend. Instead, he bent, wiped his hands in a patch of snow and retrieved his rifle. “We’ll have to get the ATV,” he spoke coldly.

“I can help if—”

“No—” Jim cut him off. Then, softer, “No. She’s too heavy. She’s—she’s got something inside her.” He looked off into the distance, removing his cap to run a blood-stained hand through his thinning hair.

“Jesus, Mary—” Brett replied. He stood to match Jim’s height, trying to meet his friend’s eyes. “Did you know? I mean, how can that even be possible?”

Jim stood silent for a long while, his eyes almost vibrating in their sockets. He chewed on his lower lip, breathing slowly. When he finally moved to speak, it was so sudden it caused Brett to jerk back. “I figured,” he responded, annoyed. “But it’s not normal. Must have bred late.”

It didn’t make much sense to Brett, what he knew of hunting at any rate. Shooting a pregnant doe had to be extremely rare. They’d have to have bred out of season. Even by that token, Brett knew there was a reason he was always so uneasy hunting does. He’d heard Jim say some of the same things. Though now, with the cold, matter-of-fact way he was speaking, it was almost as if he knew—by how fat the deer seemed despite it being the dead of winter when food was scarce. Even if not, it apparently still had a dependent, perhaps ill-developed yearling still following its mother. Yet Jim had taken the shot.

It wasn’t for lack of food, either. His cabin’s freezer was stocked with meat. Venison, wild turkey, a few other birds. He couldn’t see into his friend’s eyes as he prepared to take the shot. But he knew there was a taste for blood in them. A desire to extinguish life. And now he’d succeeded in not only taking one life, but two—possibly three. Though now he appeared as though he couldn’t be further from feeling any pride in it.

Brett came out of his daydream to realize Jim was already up the trail a ways. “Hold up, Jim, I’m coming.” He expected his friend to stop to let Brett’s old, battered legs catch up to him. But he didn’t. Not even a moment of recognition. The man he knew was fading. And now, Brett thought, I’m going to have to pull out every one of my tricks to save him.

THE TECMO BOWL: Buffalo vs. Philadelphia

Many traditions are practiced on the Saturday before the NFL's Super Bowl. Day-long marathons of past Super Bowl highlights. Fasting in order to be ready to drown your stomach bacteria in nacho cheese dip. And now, the internet's version of football supremacy, the Tecmo Bowl. Last year's contest was a barn-burner between Houston and Washington, going where no other football championships have dared in the Super Bowl era: sudden death overtime. It's difficult to outdo something when the bar is set so high, but if Dan Marino can still have love children in 2013, then damn it, the Tecmo Bowl can still be an edge-sitter's dream come true.

This year, Buffalo takes an 11-game win streak into the Tecmo Bowl with a healthy and helmeted Thurman Thomas carrying the team across a playoff field of worthy contenders to sunny Phoenix, Arizona. There, they'll meet the Philadelphia Eagles, winners of 12 games and the all-around best team out of the very competitive NFC. We've already done the breakdowns and examined the minutia of this match-up, so let's head to balmy Phoenix and the Sun Devil Stadium, where Coach Marv Levy is ripping off the sleeves of his new Bills sweater with disguised anger.

Thanks to the unstoppable system of tubes called the internet, video footage of the game has already leaked to YouTube. If you're the visual type, you may want to watch highlights there. Otherwise, enjoy this supplementary text, nerd.

The Tecmo Bowl

Quarter One
A rocketing kick off the ankle of Roger Ruzek has Buffalo pinned at their own 4-yard line. The Bills, undeterred from this predicament thanks to their own potent offensive weaponry, get started with the Thurminator right away, as he takes the rock 8 yards up the middle for some breathing room. The Eagles 'D' hunkers down from this point on, forcing the Bills into their first 3-and-out since the second quarter in Week 11.

Philadelphia heads off their first drive of the Tecmo Bowl with delicious field position at the Buffalo 41-yard line. With Herschel Walker enjoying his team's Championship run from the comforts of his own hospital bed hooked up to a breathing machine, Keith Byars and Heath Sherman double-team to grind out some yardage. Randall Cunningham tries to switch things up by using his arm, though without a ball attached to throw he's forced to resort to his legs. Cunningham uses his bursting power to blow past some Buffalo defenders to get to the 10-yard line. And, apparently being too early in the game for the Bills to play strategy, Cunningham takes the exact same designed run play untouched into the end zone.

Philadelphia leads 7-0

Kenneth Davis gives his team considerably better field position at their own 40, while Thurman proceeds to cut the field in half with a 34-yard scamper on first down. It's all Carwell Gardner up in here from this point, with two short, belabored runs mixed with an under-thrown Kelly pass leading to Buffalo suddenly needing a big pick-up on 3rd down in a drive that surely saw them coming away with at least 6. Unfortunately, the Eagles defense have their acute sights set on their prey, and feast on a pitch play to Thurman that force Buffalo to send out Steve Christie for the chip shot.

Philadelphia leads 7-3

Quarter Two
Cunningham tries to keep the Bills guessing on their second drive by throwing a game of "500" to his receivers. Without adding "dead or alive" kept them from laying out for his lame ducks, however, and when he tries to go on the run and is blitzed, Philadelphia suddenly sees any momentum they had being taken from them, dead or alive.

Gardner tries his best to earn his Tecmo Bowl paycheck, but when losing two yards starts eating into his net pay, he opts to let Thurman take it on second down. Inspired by his robbery of the rushing title at the end of the season, Thomas lights up the Eagles once again with a pitch that he carries 38 yards across midfield. However, though he has his helmet, he forgot to pine tar his gloves, and the ball comes bobbling out and over to Tackle Andy Harmon who, after hustling behind Thomas for some reason, is able to return the ball back to his team's 40-yard line. And that's how you earn a paycheck.

Cunningham, unconcerned with his own pay thanks to his latest Dodge Caravan endorsement, shoots an errant dart right into the diving hands of Safety Henry Jones on first down.

With time suddenly becoming a factor in the first half, Kelly goes to the air on first down. His pass over the middle to Andre Reed proves to be a bit too saucy for the receiver to handle, so he goes back to the ground with Thurman. The Eagles, still not satiated with their last gnashing of Thomas, drop him for a loss of 1. They follow this up with a blitz of Kelly, putting the ball back in the hands of the inferior half of their team.

Philadelphia tries to get a quick drive going with under 30 seconds to play, but the potent punt from Chris Mohr has them pinned a bit too far back. By the time Pat Beach is hauling in his obligatory one reception per game, the Mighty Bomb jacks are already synchronized huffing on the NFL shield.

Halftime - Eagles 7, Bills 3

Quarter Three
Thanks to the exalting ministry of a one Mr. Cunningham during halftime, the Eagles are graced with a second chance to start the second half, where the drive gets ripping early with a 21-yard run from the preacher man to midfield. From there, Cunningham keeps his completion streak going by heaving up a ball to Calvin Williams, who leaps, pulls it down, and runs past the weary Buffalo secondary for Philadelphia's second score.

Philadelphia leads 14-3

Needing to start the catch-up process early, Buffalo goes to the only weapon that seems to be working in Thurman Thomas, who follows up an impressive 12-yard needle-threading run with a 56-yard scamper to the Philadelphia 11-yard line. Knowing that he's enraged the birds of prey, Thomas takes leave of the field to put the scoring duties in the hands of his captain, Jim Kelly. The enormous drop-off that Kelly has experienced since exposing himself (legally) to the masses is never more apparent than over the next two plays where his pass sail into uncharted territory. Even Thomas fails to cap off the large gash he tore into the Eagles front seven when he's called upon during third down, and Steve Christie marches out to the tune of 40,000 boos.

Philadelphia leads 14-6

Christie follows up his near-miss from 20 yards out with a kick off his big toe that has Vai Sikahema skirting midfield. Sherman tries his best to eat up some yardage and time, but when he eats up the yards behind him Cunningham is forced to sear the air with another of his lobs. Though his completion streak remains in tact, it falls into the forearms of the opposing Mark Kelso all the way at the Buffalo 3-yard line.

Quarter Four
With the sun setting fast in Phoenix, the Bills get started on their march to a 12th consecutive win and a Tecmo Bowl Championship with a Carwell Gardner bumble for 2 yards. Things turn around quickly, however, when Thomas takes a sure loss 18 yards out to the 23-yard line, followed up by James Lofton diving for a catch in coverage to help Kelly complete his first pass of the game. Two plays later, Thomas takes another dangerous pitch play 29 yards to the Philadelphia 26, though all his fancy footwork is, at this point, only serving to eat up precious time. The Eagles' defense, as they have all day, stand their ground after giving some away, keeping Buffalo from converting on three straight plays to force another Christie appearance. Knowing they'd need a field goal either way, Bills fans aren't too enraged with this somewhat disappointing turn of events. Unfortunately, their bad vibes stemming from the Scott Norwood experience are enough to create a strong Arizona crosswind that pushes Christie's 40-yard kick wide right. Somewhere, Norwood's fifth bottle of wine suddenly takes on a sweet, succulent flavor.

With a first recognized world football championship in their sights, the Eagles opt to make things interesting by calling a pass in the flat that is inevitably intercepted by Nate Odomes at Philadelphia's own 29-yard line.

Kelly keeps his chemistry with Lofton alive with a throw on first down that finds the charismatic receiver wide open on the sideline. Buffalo scores their first touchdown, though time appears to not be on their side in more ways than one, with the option for 2-point conversions in the Tecmo Bowl still being debated somewhere on a message board in the Midwest.

Philadelphia leads 14-13

The Eagles wisely start things a little more conservatively on their next drive, though Buffalo comes at them with a renewed sense of what's at stake, with two straight blitzes knocking Philadelphia back near their own end zone. Needing a first down to seal the deal, Cunningham once severely underthrows a receiver, this time being Fred Barnett. The young receiver makes a heroic effort on the national stage, coming back for the ball and pulling it in for a first down. Philadelphia continues to drive out from under the shadow of a humiliating comeback defeat, though Cunningham fittingly ends the game by fumbling as time expires on the 1992 Tecmo Bowl season.

Final Score: Eagles 14, Bills 13

Yes, somehow this was a game featuring the two best teams from a 28-team field in this year's Tecmo Bowl season. Whether they were both out of gas from dominating their respective conferences during the regular season, or they were just there to prolong the party from the night before, both teams put on a rather pathetic showing in the game of the year. Thurman Thomas was the most skilled player on the field, though even he committed a very costly mistake that remains one of the many turning points in this close-fought contest to give the Championship away. That Buffalo couldn't pull out a win after three Cunningham interceptions and a fumble says a lot about the legs of this team, which appeared infallible after a dominant 11-game win streak. The MVP of this game is a rare collective one, given out to the Philadelphia defense for not only saving their offense's ass, but also exposing Buffalo's greatest weakness: their chew-spitting, gun-toting, uncomfortable with the limelight quarterback, who only completed two passes--both coming after about three and a half quarters. Congratulations, Philadelphia, you've got your first football championship. Now go home before anyone notices.

The season may be over, but our head writer, Butt Douglas, will be defending his own 1-2 record at the next Madison, WI tournament: Tecmo IX: Marino Royale. If you're not signed up, you can still go and cheer him and the rest of the 200+ competitors on and keep the exciting Tecmo momentum going!

Monday Night Football: Buffalo vs. Indianapolis

Heading into the season, there was just a short list of things we knew about the Indianapolis Colts. Now, after just two games, we now know that Jeff George is the league's most prolific passer, while Jessie Hester is by far the best receiver at levitating footballs. Apparently he's pretty good at catching them too, leading the league in receiving yards and touchdowns after the first two weeks. Tonight, they'll meet up with divisional rivals in the Buffalo Bills, a team that was chewed up and spit out last week by the San Francisco offense. It will take a few more weeks to make believers out of anyone, but the Colts can make a big statement on the national stage if they can continue to click offensively while making sure to kick Jim Kelly and his boys around while they're down. Let's head out east where the only things rising earlier than the sun are Jeff George's botoxed eyebrows.

Quarter One
The Bills win the toss, eliciting Dean Biasucci to crawl out from his burrow and boot one Kenneth Davis. Davis gets a nice return to the Buffalo 45-yard line, where Jim Kelly and Thurman Thomas get to work. Thomas takes two straight pitches for 32 yards, then feigns another one to allow Kelly to drop back and launch it to a leaping Thurman in the end zone. Oh hey, Bills, nice to see you finally decided to show up this year!

Buffalo leads 7-0

Clarence Verdin won't be Verdancing on his first return of 2 yards, giving the Colts unfortunate starting position on their first drive of the game. Anthony Johnson makes the best of his immaculate abilities by busting loose for 11 yards on the first play from scrimmage, but George goes 0-for-3 on the next three plays to force audiences to be subjected to the name 'Rohn' showing up on their television sets.

Kelly finds Andre Reed wide open along the sideline for a 49-yard run and catch, surprisingly just their second such connection of the season. Two plays later, and Carwell Gardner is in for his first touchdown.

Buffalo leads 14-0

Verdin fares slightly better with a 35-yard return, though the quarter is destined to end with a deafening thud after Johnson runs into his own offensive tackle and George overthrows Jessie Hester by a country mile.

Quarter Two
Though if the Colts could only turn back time, they'd repeat the end of the first quarter endlessly to avoid the soul-crushing and drive-killing Jeff George interception in the end zone, the first of his season.

Thomas meets resistance for the first time in the game on the next two plays, losing a total of 6 yards. On 3rd and 16 and at the precipice of their own doom on the 1-yard line, Carwell Gardner hitches up the Bills' offense and avoids certain death with a 10-yard run. Of course, Chris Mohr is still rolled out to punt, but the constant derailing of the Colts' chances at scoring are sure to nab some sadism points.

The Colts begin their third drive of the game near midfield, picking up just their second first down with a Johnson run into Bills' territory. Two plays later lead to a 3rd-and-1 situation, where Rodney Culver avoids a Buffalo blitz and gains a valiant 4 yards and a fresh set of downs. His martyrdom will be honored and revered in Indianapolis for quite some time for his willingness to lay down his body for this rare opportunity, and for that we honor him with the screenshot you see on the right. Okay, now that we're done with that, we should probably tell you about Johnson's fumble over to Phil Hansen just as the Colts appeared to have something going. What's that? Rodney...who?

With just a few seconds left on the clock to get into field goal range and put this game effectively out of reach, the Bills opt instead to go with the "Hey, what a surprise, Reed's wide the f@ck open again" play along the sidelines that leads to his first touchdown of the season, a beautiful 51-yard mudhole stomp.

Buffalo leads 21-0

Halftime - Bills 21, Colts 0

Quarter Three
Indianapolis can take pleasure in knowing they've got a fresh start in the second half, and if it's believed that Ted Marchibroda delivered one of his inspiring speeches at halftime, then the Colts can still make some magic happen. And sometimes, the magic behind the act isn't always clear. So while most of us were groaning after Johnson's gain of 0 and Jeff George's passes to the moles living in the RCA Dome, the real believers knew the magic of Rohn Stark was just about to begin.

There's no magic involved when Kelly finds Reed for a 75-yard touchdown. Black magic, maybe.

Buffalo leads 28-0

If the Colts begin a drive at their own 42-yard line, and nobody has their televisions on to see it, did it really happen? The answer is yes, though it's an answer that took lots of hard work and cost a few lives here at the Tecmo Bowl to uncover. Johnson pulls in a catch and runs it to the Buffalo 31-yard line. Jeff George throws three more incompletions as he hurtles back down through the stratosphere, though Biasucci salvages something from this mess  with a 48-yard boot.

Buffalo leads 28-3

The third quarter ticks away into the fourth with the Bills actually taking more than three plays to get into Colts' territory again.

Quarter Four
Thurman Thomas is gobbled up by an inhumanely starved Colts defense on two straight plays, eliciting Kelly to go for Reed again on 3rd-and-15. An overthrow of the wide open Reed could just be a simple miscalculation on Kelly's part or perhaps the Bills actually exhibiting sportsmanlike play by not running up the score. Yeah, we blame Kelly too. Steve Christie still gets 3 points to erase anything the Colts' previously accomplished on their last drive.

Buffalo leads 31-3

Jeff George is politely introduced to Shane Conlan on the first play of what he hopes is the last drive of his life. He decides not to prolong it by throwing it to the renowned butterfingers of Anthony Johnson, and then lobbing it out of bounds on two separate occasions, including a 4th and 13 play from his own 27-yard line. Make sure to keep those eyes pinned open, Alex. This show's not done for a long time.

Jim Kelly gets chased down by a couple of Colts' defenders on the next play, and decides to effectively sign their pink slips by scampering 27 yards for a touchdown.

Buffalo leads 38-3

With little to no time left to get his passing accuracy into double digit percentages, George opts to go for broke with a bomb to tight end Kerry Cash. Instead, the ball finds Henry Jones of the Bills, a man who has caught more George passes today than anyone on his own team.

Thurman Thomas catches his second touchdown, giving Kelly 4 throwing scores on the day to equal the amount George had previously led the league with. Lady and gentlemen, we've been hustled.

Buffalo leads 45-3

The final drive of the game for the Colts begins promising with Verdin crossing over to the Buffalo 48-yard line. As the Bills defenders leave the field to celebrate their slaughter, Anthony Johnson runs 22 yards before falling into a sinkhole while Jessie Hester refuses to catch another ball. With one second left in which to score dignity points, Hester makes his first reception of the game at the Buffalo 10-yard line before tripping over a sleeping Nate Odomes and fumbling the ball out of bounds.

Final: Bills 45, Colts 3

Some people have watched vivisection documentaries and still walked away with more innocence and naivete than those of us subjected to this horror show. Jeff George was abysmal, though his receivers weren't much help. It's almost as if members of the Bills slipped some sort of hallucinogenic terror drug into the Colts' Gatorade to make them think the football was a flying tarantula. Of course, Buffalo always finds ways to torture their little brothers of the AFC West, no matter how well Indianapolis seems to be playing up to that point. Plus, we would never imagine Buffalo to resort to such nefarious means to win a game.