Week Twelve: November Spawned a Mecklenburg

It hasn't snowed yet at The Tecmo Bowl headquarters, but the air's gone cold and you can believe there's more than a handful of teams locked down and ready for the final month of football. It must be the end of November, as the smiles have gone from the faces of the players (unless they've been forever pixellated into place by Tecmo's programmers) and there are a few teams only one or two more losses from extinction this season. This is why we started the whole thing, folks, so let's get comfy in our La-Z-Boys with our favorite light beer and see how this thing plays out.

  

1:00 Games

Hearts are palpitating

Cleveland (4-6) at Houston (8-2)
Aside from the fact that these two play in the same division, there's not much in common between the squads. Houston scored in every quarter, while the Browns waited until the fourth. QB Browns threw up 3 interceptions on the day, while Drew Hill caught 6 passes for 162 yards for Houston, more than Browns threw all day. The only thing hot in Cleveland right now is the seat of Coach Belichick's pants.

Final Score: Oilers 24, Browns 14

Tampa Bay (5-5) at Atlanta (2-8)
Greg Davis more than likely booted Tampa Bay out of the postseason in this overtime comeback win for Atlanta. It was all-Dirty Bird offense, with Chris Miller connecting on 72% of his passes, 4 of them to Andre Rison for 101 yards. The Buccaneers may have seen their hopes for perhaps the first ever Tecmo postseason berth as a COM team evaporate, but Randy Grimes is sure to take home the Creepiest Mustache Award.

Final Score: Falcons 24, Buccaneers 21 (OT)

He may be 'punky', but he loves to throw 'the pill'

Indianapolis (3-7) at Chicago (4-6)
As much fun as we have with Indianapolis' ineptitude, they do have three more wins than Curtis Painter. However, this Colts' squad would have to play another full season before they could replicate Jim Harbaugh's 100% completion rate or run off the face of the earth like Neal Anderson. The Bears come back in a big way, which is good for them considering the Fridge's Rage-o-Meter is on the verge of breaching. 

Final Score: Bears 37, Colts 14

Pittsburgh (4-6) at Washington (6-4)
This one was closer than the Redskins would have liked, with their victory claimed by a Chip Lohmiller field goal, but at the end of the season it's just another 'W'--something that's eluded the Steelers too many times this season for any playoff hopes. Bubby Brister out-shined Mark Rypien with more passing yards and fewer picks, but judging based on the hotness of one's daughter, we call Rypien the ultimate victor.

Final Score: Redskins 24, Steelers 21

Phoenix (1-10) at San Francisco (6-4)
If you were of the majority who thought that this would be a game that the 49ers overlooked, eventually leading to a huge upset by the Cardinals and the decisive game in which the Rams pull ahead to claim the division, well then you probably also thought that Timm Rosenbach could still pull a win out of his ass even after throwing 3 interceptions and less than one hundred yards on the day.

Final Score: 49ers 27, Cardinals 17

Screenshot captured mainly for posterity

Miami (8-2) at Buffalo (7-2-1)
The Dolphins might have thought that their half-game lead before this contest was pretty huge, considering their opponent and how far along they are this season, so when they totally outplayed the Bills you'd have to believe the printing presses in South America are already busy with World Champion Miami sweatshirts. When Marino throws 348 yards and the running back catches 134 of them, you know you're in deep doo-doo.

Final Score: Dolphins 24, Bills 14

Green Bay (6-3-1) at Minnesota (10-1)
Minnesota is still in the "test" phase of their improbable season, and the lab technicians here at The Tecmo Bowl are still baffled by the results. While the team continues to win, despite their offense putting out numbers like 133 yards passing and 52 rushing, the fact that they make proud quarterbacks like Don Majkowski only complete 28% of his passes for 127 yards are signs of a weird experiment about to turn into a Frankensteinian disaster.

Final Score: Vikings 27, Packers 7

4:00 Games

Seattle (6-4) at L.A. Raiders (4-6)
The Seahawks may not be ready to hit the panic button yet, but the fact that they gave up a lead to the Raiders in the fourth quarter is pretty bad considering this is the late-season Tecmo Raiders. Jay Schroeder was a big part of that, as he didn't want his 100% passing day wasted with a loss. Dave Krieg had to see his 345-yard passing day squandered, but at least he still has better Ladykiller locks.

Final Score: Raiders 21, Seahawks 17

Cincinnati (5-5) at Philadelphia (6-4)
With the rest of the league predictably winning their late season games, the Bengals still continue to upset the apple cart. Boomer Esiason keeps his team in the playoff hunt with his 91% passing percentage and 255 yards, 163 of those brought down by scalding-hot Tim McGee. To be serious for a moment, if the Bengals do in fact squeeze into the postseason, I'm going to give McGee the MVP before the playoffs even start.

Final Score: Bengals 28, Eagles 21

San Diego (7-3) at New Orleans (4-6)
The Saints are the victors in this age-old rivalry, stalling the Chargers' ability to claim sole possession of first in the AFC West. New Orleans keeps the light on with Steve Walsh throwing 265 yards and Eric Martin catching 106 of them, and the Saints hold on despite not scoring in the second half. San Diego is cruising to a late-season crash and burn, but you wouldn't know it from the look on Leslie O.Neal's face.

Final Score: Saints 17, Chargers 13

And the Jets match their total points for the year

New England (1-9) at New York Jets (3-7)
The Patriots lose in convincing fashion, as Steve Grogan completes more passes to the Jets defense than his own team with 5 picks and only connecting for 84 yards, just over half of what Blair Thomas caught from Ken O.Brien. New York controlled this one with 21 first downs, and now control their own destiny in not being the most terrible team in their division. As far as the rest of the league is concerned, however, they'll have more convincing to do if Freeman McNeil is the leading rusher with 34 yards.

Final Score: Jets 38, Patriots 14

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you're not excited for the AFC West showdown on Monday Night, then we may need to have the doctors check your pulse one more time. The Chiefs climb the mountains into Denver to face the division-leading Broncos, looking for a sweep of their rival. Kansas City's Week Eight victory over Denver jump-started their 3-game win streak en route back to a .500 record, but they'll need this contest as well if they want to be taken seriously in their quest for a playoff berth. We predicted the Chiefs to take the division over Denver despite an identical record, and if they can beat the Broncos we'll still have time to pat our backs. Should Denver win, they'll take sole possession of first and of psychiatric counsel for Karl Mecklenburg.

Seriously, this guy's a freak.

Monday Night Football: Washington vs. Phoenix

And he's got a Score card to prove it!

It's Monday Night Football, and tonight presents an NFC East showdown between one-time Man of the Year Mark Rypien along with his Washington Redskins against the winless Phoenix Cardinals. So far the Redskins have been improbably good, and most of it is due to Rypien's even more improbably perfect statistics. We could go on and on about Rypien, but that would give us less time to mention his daughter and how good she looks in a black, lacy bra. While her passer rating may not ever eclipse her father's, her bust size does, and for that we have to give the man props despite what may happen on tonight's stage. Although Phoenix, as expected, has netted just zero wins to this point, they are primed to play the part of the spoiler--especially against a fellow NFC East opponent--and with the unstoppable force that is Johnny Johnson on their side, the odds are that much better. Let's head to Phoenix now, where it's said the sun never sets; unless you're talking about the Cardinals' playoff hopes.



Quarter One
The Redskins are the winners of the coin toss, which gives them the option to kick or receive. They take the road traveled very heavily and elect to receive. Brian Mitchell gets them to the Washington 46 for promising field position, and Mark Rypien takes his perfect passer rating to the field for the first play of the game, which is an Ernest Byner run for no gain. Smartly enough, Joe Gibbs calls for the same play on second down, and when it's run for no gain again, Gibbs retires and offensive coordinator Don Breaux takes over. Breaux decides to run things a little differently around here, and asks for Ernest Byner to take it up the middle this time. While the play is successful in regards that it was run for positive yards, it did not net the necessary 10 yards for a first down and Kelly Goodburn is on to punt from near midfield.

Looks like one unnamed Redskin had to stop for a breath
at the 49 yard line

The Cardinals take the field, and the Phoenix fans in attendance groan their disappointment. Their displeasure is heard loud and clear by Charles Mann, who busts through the Phoenix front unchallenged and takes Rosenbach to the dirt. Unfazed, Rosenbach is up in a matter of ten minutes or so, and the next play is a Johnny Johnson run up the gut. Like a Cardinal possessed, Johnson busts through the middle, kicks off a few blockers, and shoots across the field at the speed of Eric Metcalf for a 55-yard gain to the Redskins 30. A dunk to Ernie Jones for 14, followed by two runs from Johnson for 10 and the Cardinals are facing first and goal with the length of Vai Sikahema's name to go. Joe Bugel pulls out the 'Worst Plays to Use in the Red Zone' Playbook and calls for a flea flicker, which meets an amazing failure even by flea flicker standards. Two goal line stands by the underrated Redskins defense, including one blitz of Rosenbach, and Phoenix blows their first and probably only chance for a statement score and Al Del Greco is on to nobody's excitement for three points.

Phoenix leads 3-0

Although the Cardinals didn't get the amount of points they were streaking towards, they did succeed in wiping out ample amounts of clock time, and by the time Washington takes the kickoff and runs a few meaningless plays, the punter is on again with time running out in the quarter.

Quarter Two
The Cardinals take another touchback, and Rosenbach is out to prove there can be more than one quarterback whose last name starts with an 'R' that can play above his head. His first piece of evidence is tossed out with an incomplete lob to Ricky Proehl. He's bailed out on the next play, however, when Coach Bugel runs the Proehl reverse for a loss of 5 yards. Undaunted, he calls for it again, shooing away any and all objections by the Phoenix coaching staff and thousands of television viewers, and it predictably loses another yard. Rich Camarillo on to punt.

Don't you dare tell him his name's too long for Tecmo screen

Rypien starts his team at the Washington 21, but is driven back 4 yards by a man known only to his mortal enemies as 'Freddie Joe Nunn'. Ernest Byner takes the ball on the next play for a positive 6 yards. Washington faces a possible third 3-and-out, but Rypien laughs his strange Canadian laugh in the face of his situation throws a beautiful rainbow pass to Art Monk for 35 yards into Phoenix territory. Two plays later and Rypien threads it to Monk again, but it's wildly overthrown and Monk only has the entire field open ahead of him. On 3rd and 10, Rypien meets the fate he dodged on the last series when the Gary Clark reverse is only good for 4 yards. Chip Lohmiller is out for his first attempt from 55 yards, but the kick sails wide left. Cardinals fans start hoping the NFL decides that a game should only last two quarters.

Phoenix takes over on downs at their own 37-yard line with 1:44 remaining. Their intelligently planned drive comes to a screeching halt right away when Rosenbach is sacked for a loss of 9 by Marcus "It's pronounced 'COOK'" Koch. Coach Bugel brings his team to the sidelines with a timeout to calm them down, but apparently Rosenbach missed the huddle when, on the next play, he runs out of the pocket screeching and lobs up an interception to Todd Bowles.

Washington drains some time off the clock with a Clark reverse that's good for 5 yards to the Phoenix 35-yard line. Coach Gibbs is back in his head coach position, and his conservative nature calls for a field goal from 50 yards out with 45 seconds left. Lohmiller over-corrects his last try and misses wide right this time, then tells his team "well there's a reason they only call me Chip and not 'Long Kick' Lohmiller". Gibbs retires again.

I only took high school physics, but even I know this is off...

3/4 of Cardinals fans are already in the bathroom right now

With 21 seconds left and Phoenix starting from an unpromising field position at their own 34, Coach Bugel calls for a meaningless Johnson run up the middle, which ends up going for 66 yards to paydirt. Bugel's wife reminds him later that night that it pays to lower people's expectations.

Phoenix leads 10-0

Halftime - Redskins 0, Cardinals 10




Quarter Three
Vai Sikahema returns the kick all the way to the Phoenix 15-yard line for their worst starting field position all day. Luckily for them, it's also a chance for a Johnny Johnson 85-yard touchdown run to put the game away. Unfortunately, however, it would seem that the Cardinals' offense has gone to the well one too many times, and Johnson is stuffed for a loss of 4 yards on 1st down. Attempting to reverse their luck, Phoenix runs the Proehl reverse, but the loss of 10 makes the first play look like a rousing success. On 3rd and 16, the play is blitzed by the Redskins defense, and Rosenbach nearly avoids a safety. Camarillo punts from the shadow of his own goal post.

They're missing "The Truth" from his name

From their own 42-yard line, Rypien gets to work fast, ripping one over the outstretched hands of Cedrick Mack to Gary Clark, who high-steps in for a 58-yard catch and run. That makes it eight touchdowns for Rypien with no picks, causing Phoenix fans to wonder if they've finally unleashed the beast.

Phoenix leads 10-7

The Cardinals start to feel the pressure cooker heating up, and decide to counteract the quick strike of Rypien by picking the Proehl reverse, good for only a loss of six yards this time. Two failed runs by Johnson bring on fourth down, and the panic button is firmly pressed on the Phoenix sideline.

The Redskins start at their own 20-yard line after a touchback. A Rypien blocked pass followed by a 5-yard loss by Earnest Byner puts Washington in a perilous 3rd and 15, and their promising start to the half is shut down by an important Eric Hill sack to get the ball back.

Phoenix uses the remaining 33 seconds of the quarter to run a Johnson pitch for 8 yards, followed by a Proehl reverse that all but wipes that gain out.

Quarter Four
On 3rd and 12, the Cardinals go all out with the flea flicker, but it's riskily and somewhat sadly picked by the Redskins defense and Phoenix loses an additional 11 yards. Camarillo's on, and the only star of the Cardinals' offense punts it down to the Washington 20-yard line. Pride of the Fighting Irish, Joe Howard returns the punt for a huge 17 yards before getting his head corked and needing medical assistance off the field.

The Phoenix cornerback apparently can't read 'X's'

Mark Rypien, apparently not having taken his bipolar meds all day, lobs a 51 yard pass to Ricky Sanders to threaten a lead mid-way through the quarter. Coach Gibbs is back on the field, scrambling for a headset, and screams for the Clark reverse. It's good for 4 yards, and across the field Coach Bugel is taking notes. Byner manages to run around the end of the Cardinals' defense while at the same time holding on to the ball, which makes it first and goal for the Redskins with 2 yards to go. A Byner run up the middle later, and Washington takes its first and very pivotal lead of the game.

Washington leads 14-10

With 2:39 remaining in the game, Rosenbach leads his offense out on to the field with calmness prevailing. Johnson once again leads the ground attack with a 4-yard rush, followed by another battle that's barely good for a first down. A fake reverse to Proehl nets Johnson another 5 yards, and Phoenix takes a timeout to figure out how the heck this is actually working. The clock shows 1:56 when Rosenbach tosses one to Walter Reeves for another first down and Phoenix finds themselves in Washington territory. The drive that could have been talked about for the next four hours on Sportscenter comes to a screeching halt, however, when Rosenbach heaves up an ill-timed pass to Proehl that Todd Bowles pulls down for his second pick of the day.

Coach Gibbs, who's already proudly boasting of his comeback, decides to throttle the Cardinals even more when he calls for a Rypien pass to Art Monk at the Cardinals' 34-yard line, which Monk easily takes in for a second score due to Phoenix running a blitz defense.

Washington leads 21-10

The Cardinals are on the sidelines orchestrating a huge comeback with plays designed to strike fast and catch Washington on its heels. While they are preparing this, Sikahema takes the kick and scrambles for about 30 seconds, which is just about enough time for the game clock to expire.

I'm proud to say this is in the running for Tecmo screenshot of the year

Final: Redskins 21, Cardinals 10

Rypien had another perfect night with two touchdowns and no interceptions, while Cardinals' QB Timm Rosenbach just got in the way of Johnny Johnson's pretty big performance of 149 rushing yards. It took Washington a while to get going, just long enough for hope to shine in through the slats of Sun Devil Stadium, but by quarter three they awoke and never stopped pouring it on. Phoenix falls to 0-3, which is predictable, but the Redskins running out an undefeated streak is nothing short of remarkable. I am halfway excited to see how long Rypien can stretch out this godlike performance, but not nearly as excited to see Angela Rypien in the next Seattle Mist calendar.