Week Seventeen: In Like a Boomer, Out Like a Bear

There have been brighter days for some of the teams on today's schedule, as this marks their final day in existence (at least in the blogging realm). We know who's in already, though that doesn't make our slate of games any less exciting. There's no way of knowing until the dust has settled who's playing where or against whom and, in the NFC anyway, none of the divisions have even been cinched up. Philadelphia and Atlanta control their own destinies, whereas Minnesota could find themselves singing the Ray Berry Blues if they can't tow the line in the Central. But we've all been around this mulberry bush before. Let's chase out the Esiason weasel and get down to Week 17!

 

1:00 Games

San Diego (10-5) * Seattle (4-11)

Nate Lewis returns in time for this playoff warm-up against the Seahawks, though the Chargers looked more like an AFC West division mid-dweller with Stan Humphries unable to out-throw Stan Gelbaugh's 119 yards. His 3 interceptions to Gelbaugh's 0 actually put his net total somewhere south of the century mark, and the Chargers stumble from a sure playoff bye-week to a possible 3-seed with their fourth loss in five games to end the season. Bob Gagliano's parents are already on the phone with San Diego's GM.

Final Score: Seahawks 24, Chargers 7

Indianapolis (4-11) * Cincinnati (6-9)

The merciless final year of the Boomer Esiason regime comes to a defiant, shoulder-shrugging end as the towhead tosses in the towel early. Esiason's final stat line as a Bengal reads 27% with just 62 yards and an interception. Jeff George, another quarterback with an itchy jock, padded his resume for teams on the prowl with an 81% completion rating and 219 yards throwing. Suddenly, Cincinnati appeared every bit ready to challenge the Colts' ten-game losing streak this season before being rudely interrupted by its scheduled end.

Final Score: Colts 28, Bengals 14

Kansas City (4-11) * Denver (6-9)

Dave Krieg apparently heard about some open auditions going on and wound up crossing the 300-yard mark for the first time this season. And when he heard it was for the beloved Kansas City acting troupe, the Serendipity Players, he made lemonade out of the lemons he was accustomed to throwing all season and gracefully bowed out. The decision was made slightly easier when, despite his big day on the field, the Chiefs still lost to the punchless Broncos by ten points. 

Final Score: Broncos 31, Chiefs 21

L.A. Raiders (7-8) * Washington (8-7)

In a season that saw as many tie/near-tie games as it did cheerleader panty shots, there was no better way for the Cinderella Raiders to see their season end than in a tie game with the already-deposed Redskins. Mark Rypien threw hard enough to end it early with 293 yards passing, however it appeared Washington was more content in letting the Raiders implode by themselves. Why choose to go out of playoff contention on the last week of the season in a hail of gunfire, when you can go out napping on the couch with a bag of stale Cheetohs in your crotch?

Final Score: Raiders 14, Redskins 14

Minnesota (10-5) * Green Bay (4-11)

The Packers appeared to have thrown every game this season just for this moment; a chance to sneak up and slice the jugular of Rich Gannon and Co. A dominating loss for the Vikings, who have led the NFC Central since week one, suddenly put them on the precipice of going home early to catch their wives with the poolboys should Chicago pull out an improbable win against Dallas later. Brett Favre put on one of his rare yet dazzling flawless performances of 283 yards and no picks to lay the final rotten egg on an already rotten second half for the Purple Poutine-Eaters.

Final Score: Packers 28, Vikings 14

Tampa Bay (6-9) * Phoenix (3-12)

A week off of nearly cancelling San Francisco's plane to the playoff tickets, Tampa Bay lays a stinker and loses to the worst team in football. Whether it was a legitimate underestimation or simply the Buccaneers' front office hoping to draft high on yet another overrated wide receiver, Tampa Bay ended another disappointing season unnoticed by most. Fortunately, this allowed Vinny Testaverde to get away with not realizing his helmet was on backwards for most of the game.

Final Score: Cardinals 24, Buccaneers 14

Miami (11-3-1) * New England (5-10)

When the Dolphins took a big lead early and late-season ROY candidate Kevin Turner went down for New England, Dan Marino promptly took his seat on Coach Shula's lap to watch the Dolphins give up 14 points in the 4th quarter. New England wins their third game in a row to end the 1992 season, overcoming the crowned AFC East champions in the process, though its significance is about as important as Hugh Millen's appearance at Roosevelt High's 10-year high school reunion.

Final Score: Patriots 28, Dolphins 24

Houston (10-5) * Buffalo (10-5)

A possible playoff preview and replay of last year's AFC Championship didn't disappoint, though this time Buffalo took the spoils to enter the playoffs as the conference's hottest team with a 7-game winning streak. Though Houston already had their division wrapped up, they still had a chance to clinch a bye with a win. Fortunately, Stan Humphries's mystery of which bed he woke up in proved more puzzling than Warren Moon's, and the Oilers back into the bye with their own streak of two losses.

Final Score: Bills 21, Oilers 14

4:00 Games

New Orleans (10-5) * N.Y. Jets (7-7-1)

A tie game for the Jets may not have given them any clear advantage heading towards the end of the season, but it gave the rest of us the advantage of not having to work a calculator by drawing a line in the proverbial playoff sand: win and in, lose and out. And just when it appeared we were close to seeing the end of the clinically-indefinable season for the Jets, Browning Nagle pulled together one of his wholly underwhelming yet somehow effective performances to catch the reeling Saints on their heels. The game was a microcosm of New Orleans' season, with a quick strike to start the game, including a huge Morten Anderson 60-yard cannonball launch before the end of the half, followed by a second half of fumbles, interceptions, and a botched chip shot by the very same Anderson. The implosion opened the door for Cary Blanchard to triple his field goal count for the season, kicking 3 in the second half, including a doubtless game-winner, to give the Jets an improbable and somewhat undeserved chance to redeem their own disappointing second half of the season with a postseason berth.

The Jets not only put the loser of the simultaneous PIT/CLE game out to pasture, but also opened the backdoor for the Atlanta Falcons to sneak through to a division championship, capping an exciting race with a Georgia peach-sized thud.

Final Score: Jets 16, Saints 13

L.A. Rams (8-7) * Atlanta (11-4)

Despite scoreboard-watching telling the story of Atlanta's victory over the torrid NFC West, they still put on a solid performance to deliver upon themselves a first-round bye and keep the Rams from staying above .500, which would have been a respectable feat considering their depressing dethronement midway through the season. Chris Miller put up a strong performance of 282 passing yards with 72% completed passes, designating the Falcons as the NFC's dark horse despite finishing in the Top 2 of the conference.

Final Score: Falcons 28, Rams 21

Pittsburgh (8-7) * Cleveland (8-7)

Though Cleveland fans never expected their team to be fighting for a Wild Card spot in Week 17, the Browns and their somehow fitting 'streaky' season kept them in the race until about 3 minutes into the first quarter. Whether it was the pressure of the situation or the fact that Pittsburgh had mountains more talent in every aspect of the game, Cleveland choked harder than LG Dan Fike at the Sunday morning buffet. The Steelers, knowing that their own promising season was threatened with the Jets taking charge against New Orleans, came alive behind multiple Barry Foster sprints and a defense that, when they weren't feasting on Mike Tomczak's mush-brain, were intercepting his desperation passes. After a sure-thing turned into a probably-not with a 2-game losing streak going into Week 17, Pittsburgh earned their berth with a powerful shellacking and also reviving the all-important fear factor for their first postseason opponent.

With Thurman Thomas still out, Barry Foster's 108-yard performance gave him a 56-yard lead in the rushing champion category that will surely give him MVP honors, no matter where the Steelers end up in four weeks. And if you thought 'fishing for endorsement deals', you may not be far off.

Final Score: Steelers 35, Browns 7

San Francisco (9-6) * Detroit (4-11)

Left for dead and without an answer just a week ago, the 49ers pulled out a classic performance over the kitty cats of Detroit to give them just enough point differential for a wild card spot and making the NFC Central a winner-take-all scenario. Though Barry Sanders tried to make up for another sub-50 yard rushing performance with some yards in the air, nothing will overshadow perhaps the worst year of his career. Meanwhile, Steve Young kept Montananite head-hunters at bay for one more week with 305 yards and 83% of his passes completed.

Final Score: 49ers 35, Lions 10

Dallas (10-5) * Chicago (10-5)

Though Dallas was already certified a playoff contender with the Minnesota loss, they let a shot at the NFC East title slip through against Chicago, whose noses perked up even more at the taste of Viking blood in the water. Led by Jim Harbaugh's effective arm and the balanced attack of Neal Anderson and Brad Muster, Chicago knew a loss spelled the end of their improbable postseason run due to early-season blowout losses. And after sixteen weeks of looking up at Randall McDaniel's ass, the Bears took care of their own blowout. Though it was Chicago's offense that rolled down the field, it was their wakened defense that bloodied and scarred Troy Aikman early and also denied Emmitt Smith the 56 yards he needed to surpass Barry Foster as this season's rushing champion. The Cowboys closed in on Chicago just before the half with their own impressive defensive effort that saw Jim Jeffcoat's labored fumble recovery for a touchdown, yet it was Chicago who, despite being 2 games out with just 3 to go, restored the grizzle to Coach Ditka and has the Bears in as a 6-seed.

The Dallas loss not only cleared the way for the foretold Philadelphia championship, but it also cemented a certain rematch with Chicago in the first round of the playoffs. For revenge to be effective, it must surely be swift.

Final Score: Bears 40, Cowboys 21

Philadelphia (11-4) * N.Y. Giants (5-10)

An NFC East Championship already delivered to them midway through the third quarter, the Eagles still never lost sight at what was at stake. A win over the embarrassment that is the New York Football Giants gives Philadelphia the number one seed in the NFC playoffs, giving Randall Cunningham a chance to rest his weary legs that saw him finishing amongst the Top 20 rushers in the NFL. Jeff Hostetler, meanwhile, will have little chance to rest his weary mustache before inevitably entering into the gay porn industry for a paycheck next year, otherwise known as Raiders Training Camp. 

Final Score: Eagles 24, Giants 20

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Just a few short hours ago, we were ready to scratch our final contenders into the engraving that was the 1992 Tecmo Bowl Playoffs. Had we done that, we'd certainly be scouring the mines for new malleable metal as, once again, the Tecmo gods had their way with us. Though Atlanta and Philadelphia came in leading their respective divisions, we had no reason to not believe the Saints and Cowboys couldn't collect on what was owed them, losing to vastly inferior teams that suddenly see their names immortalized on postseason parchment. And, only in Tecmo would we see a team that led every week of the season not only be deposed of a division title, but miss the playoffs altogether thanks to wonky scheduling and the infamous 'point differential tiebreaker'. And now, because our own wonky schedule brought these games to you mid-week, we're not sure if any of us will be ready for this unlikely playoff schedule to hit us. Nonetheless, ready we must be as Wild Card Weekend waits for no man! Unless that man wakes up with a wicked hangover Saturday morning and won't even think about looking at a computer monitor.

Looking Ahead: Week Thirteen

As we turn the corner into the post-Thanksgiving portion of our schedule, we'll see some playoff jockeying going on and teams gearing up for a fight down the stretch. November will be torn off the calendar, leaving one lonely sheet containing the final few weeks of the season, and these contests have never meant more. We've had a lot of fun and watched a lot of Jeff George concussions, but now it's time to see who passes the test and makes it into those exclusive 6 spots per conference. Some of our teams have sat back on their heels like Mark Rypien preparing a pass, and now it's time for them to kick it into gear if they want to keep up in the race. Let's take a look at some of the meaningful match-ups occurring in the first of our final weekends.

The AFC West is really the only division with a clinching scenario this weekend, which is the only reason we're highlighting the Seattle versus Denver contest. With a win, the Broncos can hold off the streamers in San Diego as they continue their quest to claw out of the muck after 5 wins in their last 7 games. Seattle surprised many with their wild card steal last year. That won't happen this time around, however their position of spoiler will have eyes in the AFC West on whether or not Stan Gelbaugh faces the right way when he lines up behind center.

Dallas and Washington play important divisional contests, both trying to keep up with the soaring Eagles in Philadelphia. Minnesota, suddenly feeling the salivating teeth of Mike Ditka at their heels, will need to play tough against the unpredictable Rams, while Buffalo goes for another important win at the expense of Indianapolis' 10th straight loss. The Jets look to bounce back from another lackluster performance on Monday Night Football, and as long as the 'Savior' Dave Krieg doesn't wake up at the bottom of the Missouri River they'll have a good chance at a much-needed victory. Detroit will follow up a strong Thanksgiving performance against a formidable foe in Houston, and New Orleans and Miami will wrap up our early schedule in a dogfight of divisional leaders. Bobby Hebert will hope to continue hanging with the big boys as he tries to out-throw Dan Marino, while each teams' running back coaches will take the day off to shuck crab shells in the Bayou.

Cleveland has struggled under the watchful eye of The Tecmo Bowl team of writers after flying under the radar and knocking off 5 straight wins. Since then, they've stumbled backwards, rolling off 3 losses and find themselves fighting off a rabid Bears team with a divisional title suddenly in their sights. Atlanta and San Francisco have taken a step back from New Orleans after weeks of imitating Cerberus in the NFC, and will have some late games to jump back into the bouncy castle of the Wild West.

The day ends in a pivotal AFC Central melee to whet the appetites of anyone looking for mustaches to get tangled as Neil O'Donnell tries to avoid the hungry Carl Zander to get his Steelers their 7th win in a row. The Bengals were the talk of the division last year, but after falling behind early on they'll need to slowly work their way back up a ladder that's had a few rungs slightly sawed in half by the fiery Barry Foster, who's heating up at the most dangerous time.

Monday night has San Diego returning to the stage after a short standby, with their game taking on exponentially more meaning should Denver lose Sunday. They'll take on the Raiders of Los Angeles, which may stand as their final hurdle in claiming the first divisional crown in our 1992 Tecmo Bowl season. As the Raiders await the return of their fearless leader, Jay Schroeder, from "injury" (see: Rogaine sponsorship tour), they'll perhaps be looking toward Todd Marinovich and hoping the side of the bed he wakes up on is the side his father isn't waiting for him with a wooden paddle. Stan Humphries has followed up his MVP performance in the NFC playoffs with an equally solid year, quietly bringing his Chargers into the fold of perhaps the top 3 teams in the league. They've proved it once on Monday Night Football, and this week they can prove it even more with a trophy presentation under the hot bulbs of TheTecmoBowl.com's fancy set design.


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AFC

NFC

Wednesday Night Football: Kansas City vs. Seattle

Not long ago, in the division where old AFL teams went to die, there was a rivalry to match any of the old classics. Giants & Dodgers. Tar Heels & Blue Devils. Chiefs & Seahawks. Of course, the rivalry has died down a bit with both teams floundering in mediocrity, but the intensity has never faded. And now, this popular match-up has all-new relevance, with Seattle's former leader betraying them for Kansas City and leaving them predictably for dead. With Dave Krieg's defection, Seattle has been left in scramble mode. They rolled out Stan Gelbaugh for the first game of the season, yet nobody was convinced enough to make him the new face of the franchise. The rest of the quarterback committee is rounded out by Dan McGwire, first round pick out of San Diego State, and Kelly Stouffer, who's only notable NFL achievement thus far is not winning one of its games. Who we'll see tonight is still a mystery, though most fans agree that simply catching a glimpse of Stouffer's godlike locks would be one of the only successes to take away from the Seahawks' 1992 campaign.

Quarter One
Nick Lowery shanks a kick to Chris Warren, and the Seahawks of Seattle will indeed start the game with Mr. Gelbaugh at the helm for his second game of the season. After getting his first incomplete pass out of the way, Gelbaugh hands off to Warren who thrusts forward for 19 yards to the Chiefs' 32-yard line. After an unnecessarily aggressive Chiefs blitz negates one of those yards on the next play, Warren hoofs it around the left side for another 11 yards. Gelbaugh overthrows Ron "Sweet-Sweetback" Heller in the end zone, and then pulls it together to find Tommy Kane for their first of what may be two career touchdown connections.

Seattle leads 7-0

The Chiefs begin their first drive at their own 20-yard line, where Krieg momentarily forgets which logo is now on his helmet when he's picked off by Eugene Robinson.

Gelbaugh keeps up his streak of not having a completion streak this year when his pass to Heller is batted away. John L. Williams gets involved to continue Seattle's rushing success with a 10-yard run, inching them closer to another quick score. Two more plays lead to a 3rd-and-6 situation at the Kansas City 17-yard line, where the Chiefs defense absorbs another Williams run for a loss. Kicker John Kasay continues his impressive rookie campaign with a missed 34-yarder to go with his miffed extra point and field goal from last week. The Chiefs will begin their next drive with the only harm done being to the 'fans' in attendance.

Krieg again misses wildly on his second throw of the game, before connecting with J.J. Birden on second down to burn the Seahawks as this first of four quarters comes to an end.

Quarter Two
Tight end Keith Cash out of Texas makes his first catch in a Chiefs uniform at the Seattle 9-yard line. Krieg can't stretch his success in a pass to J.J. Birden on the next play, so he gives it to Kansas City's version of Larry Bird, Barry Word. Word zigs and zags around the Seattle defense for the last 9 yards to effectively reset this game.

Score tied 7-7

Chris Warren gives his team a workable starting position at the Seattle 21-yard line. After two consecutive runs by Warren net the Seahawks exactly two yards, Gelbaugh once again goes to the air. This time, his pass to Ol' Heller is a success and the birds are back in enemy territory at the 43. Mr. L. Williams gets the squad back on track over the next three plays, including two long runs and a 17-yard reception, before getting crushed under the weight of carrying his entire team along with a Chiefs' blitz. Kane can't deliver on another touchdown celebration, and when Warren comes up 2 yards short of the goal line the Seahawks send Kasay out for a chance at Seattle infamy. Unfortunately, he fails miserably by converting the 21-yard kick and the chickens once again take the lead.

Seattle leads 10-7

The Chiefs begin their drive by running their popular 41-second offense of letting Kimble Anders run around in circles for 25 seconds so that Krieg's successful pass to Willie Davis at the Seattle 17-yard line leaves them with no time to formulate a scoring plot.

Halftime - Seahawks 10, Chiefs 7

Quarter Three
Kansas City continues their drive from the previous half, despite being at the other end of the field. The Seahawks defense comes alive by stuffing Anders and Krieg on two separate plays and not showing the money to Cash with a double team pass block. Jacksonville, Florida's own Bryan Barker is on to punt.

Gelbaugh gets a mouthful of Lonnie Marts on Seattle's first play of the half, losing 13 yards in the process. Neither he nor Warren can make up for this tragedy on the next two plays, and so Perry, Florida's native son Rick Tuten is out to kick the football and make a few thousand dollars while doing so.

As this game reaches a fever pitch, Wordasaurus Rex terrorizes his way for 18 yards. Anders, pride and joy of the University of Houston, continues adding links to the chain of success by converting a short Krieg pass into a long gain out to the Seattle 47-yard line. After Word picks up another 8 to get inside Nick Lowery's playground, Krieg stalls the drive for another chapter after getting picked off for the second time in the game.

The third quarter comes to an end with Louis Clark unable to locate a Gelbaugh pass on his map and the sounds of John L. Williams composing his next score called "The 6-yard Suite".

Quarter Four
The Seahawks' drive quickly heats up in the final quarter of play when Warren takes a Gelbaugh pitch and runs it down the Chiefs' throats for 31 yards. Williams gets in on the fun, tearing it up for 10 of his own yards before gifting it over to Dale Carter.

Kansas City gets to work immediately with Krieg overthrowing Davis and his ass meeting the ground 5 yards behind him with a Cortez Kennedy special. On 3rd-and-15, however, they actually do begin to turn things around with Anders taking the catch in the flat and running for a 20-yard gain. Another Anders catch converts another first down inside Seattle territory. The next two plays see Krieg writing some checks to Keith Cash, totaling 40 yards. The drive is capped with a touchdown pass to Birden, and Seahawks' fans everywhere groan upon finally feeling the anguish only a Krieg Komeback can induce.

Chiefs lead 14-10

Less than a minute remains on the ol' countdown clock. Seattle quickly gets to midfield while only burning 15 seconds, leaving them with enough time to run a few plays and possibly give Gelbaugh the chance to orchestrate a comeback of his own. Unfortunately, the next sequence of events lasts just long enough to eat up the remaining seconds, but Gelbaugh's unorthodox tactics to steal a win shouldn't go unnoticed.

An interception of Gelbaugh at the Chiefs' 11-yard line should all but cement this one for a Chiefs team looking for their first win, but when Bennie Thompson tries to get cute with a runback, he's stripped of the ball by Ronnie Lee. Despite his limitations, Lee makes a valiant effort to try and put a wild 'W' in the record books for Seattle by charging his way back down the field. Unfortunately, he's brought down 14 yards away from his own end zone, the 14 longest yards in Ronnie Lee's natural born life.

Final: Chiefs 14, Seahawks 10

Another AFC West contest is in the books, and by the looks of it you're all worse for the wear. No matter, as it was a game that had to be played, and if you're not in this to watch the bad and ugly with the good then I'd ask you to reconsider your true intentions. Gelbaugh wasn't inept enough to justify giving Kelly Stouffer a reason to hide his holy hair with a helmet, as all his completions were to his own receivers. His last gasp for a comeback was admirable, but it was Dave Krieg and his unimpressive stat line that once again found a way to win the day yet again. The 1992 Chiefs look a lot like the 1991 Seahawks, and not only because they have Krieg manning the ship. If they're able to string a few wins like this one together, we may see them steal Seattle's usual playoff placeholder spot by year's end.

Looking Ahead: Week Two

We've forged through one week of Tecmo football, which is already a good omen for the completion of this weblog on the 1992 NFL season. With excitement at a fever pitch, it's time to dive into the match-ups for Week 2 to continue our tradition of making completely baseless predictions on how the computer will simulate the winners. Game on!

1992: The Year Kosar Lost His Smile

Two of the games in this second week will feature teams that were strangely idle during Week One, due to the NFL still trying to iron out the wrinkles of having an even number of teams face off while also keeping the Patriots out of the eyes of its prospective fans. New England makes their Grogan-less debut, hoping to steal a win against the spiraling Los Angeles Rams. The Rams were a victim of their own horrid defense, but this week may look like an iron wall against Hugh Millen's limp noodle of an arm. Miami also makes their 1992 debut, starting their championship campaign against the Cleveland Browns. Cleveland experienced the double whammy of losing Kevin Mack and Mike Tomczak not getting hit by a double decker during the week, which means Miami's already off to a record-setting start.

The NFC Central continues its incestuous affair with the Vikings picking on the Lions and the Buccaneers entering as the underdog despite being ahead of Green Bay in the standings. Brett Favre hopes to put his 1st career start behind him, though if he continues to play the way he did in Week One, we see lots of CFL in this young man's future. Other games to watch include seeing if Pittsburgh kept their tank full for the New York Jets and whether or not Houston can get their first win against our upset pick in the early games, the Indianapolis Colts. And Dallas versus the New York Giants should provide no shortage of drugged up, hostile sociopaths, when the fans of either team engage in this battle of the 0-1 NFC East juggernauts.

The late games include the annual Tecmo Bowl pick, Buffalo versus San Francisco, and a key divisional match-up between last year's AFC West champion, the Denver Broncos, trying to make up some ground against this year's predicted crown-winner, the San Diego Chargers. Perhaps one of the more intriguing match-ups is between the Cincinnati Bengals and Los Angeles Raiders. The Bengals continue to make us eat our filthy, disgusting words by simply winning, while the Raiders looked like vicious monsters despite the noticeable absence of a man named Bo. The winner of this contest will go a long way in convincing us of their right to be noticed. Meanwhile, the upset pick of the late games will be Phoenix over the Philadelphia Eagles. We picked the red birdmen to only win 1-2 games this year, and we think they'll decide to get it out of the way early against a punchless Eagles team, inspiring Cunningham to lead his troops on a march to not make us look like ignoramuses.

The KingDome will be rocking in Seattle for Monday Night Football, when Dave Krieg returns to the city he put on the NFL map, now with the division rival Kansas City Chiefs. The Seahawks hope to bury Krieg on the same turf he picked out of his helmet for 11 years, though Stan Gelbaugh may have something to say about it. The Chiefs won't have Christian Okoye leading the way with the ball through most of the game, so it's up to Krieg and his gifted ability to not be Gelbaugh or any of the other 'platoon' of Seattle quarterbacks to pull out a needed win for Kansas City. The AFC West will continue to be winnable until Week 17, though in Seattle's case it'll only relate to them having the first pick of the division in next year's draft.

Ah, the glory days

Now look at these standings before we knock down your door and serve you with them.

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Looking Ahead (and Behind): Wild Card Weekend

Can you feel that? Yes, it's difficult to explain the feeling you get each year at this time (outside of nagging regret and a deep sense of failure for not keeping your New Year's Resolution even one week). But nonetheless, you feel it, and you can't escape it. Playoffs. But never before have you felt so attached to the teams in question. Sure, none of the players were on your fantasy team this year, but if you're honest with yourself you'll see that they mean so much more to you than stats or numbers. There you're family. There's your cocky younger brother, Jim Everett, frying the air with electric passes. There's your wise Canadian father, Mark Rypien, showing you how to act like you've been there before. And finally, there's weird Uncle Dave Krieg, who's always around even when he shouldn't be, i.e. yesterday morning's shower...

Today we'll take a look back at the season while also spit-shining our crystal ball to look for something to expect, even though we should know by now that the only thing to expect is some gosh-darned good Tecmo...plus a Denver vs. Seattle match-up.

AFC East
Nothing too surprising here. We nearly got the order right, but muddled up some of the numbers. The Bills weren't as dominant as we thought they'd be, at least not early on, but they're one of the hottest teams entering the playoffs. The Dolphins were coasting until a hiccup in Week 13, where they started a 3-game losing streak that saw the Bills take over the division and run away with it. They'll meet the upstart Bengals this weekend.

Now for some reason, yours truly put the Jets in the playoffs as a bold choice and true definition of the term 'wild card'. I don't know what I saw in Mr. O.Brien...perhaps it was his big collection of balls, or maybe that look in his eye that says "trust me" which, I admit, gets me every time. Instead, the Jets barely lost 3rd place to the Colts, a position that Indianapolis looked uncomfortable and awkward in the entire season.

Give it to Grogan, he made some games interesting, both with his uncanny inability to play football and his sheer determination to play football. He will forever keep the Patriots the most interesting 3-12 team to ever play the game of Tecmo. Perhaps we'll take you through a MAN season one year, Grogan, but you still have some trust to earn.


AFC Central
Houston took control early and didn't let go. We didn't expect much of a fight from the non-blood siblings that make up the rest of the division, but also didn't think the Oilers had it in them to rack up 13 wins, starting with a 4-0 head start. Luckily, the lowly Cincinnati Bengals made it a non-story with their huge late-season surge that saw them pull out from barely-breathing 5-7 in Week 13 to a chance for a wild card in control of their own destiny in the final week of the season. Here's to hoping that Boomer and his crew can keep whatever witch they hired alive to advance past the flawed and faltering Miami Dolphins during Wild Card weekend for at least one more week of magic.

The rest of the division finished out how we thought, and though the records differed slightly, they average out to the same and for that we give ourselves a hefty pat on the bottom. Neither team was particularly fun to watch, as expected, but did provide a good foil when one was needed. Good luck in the offseason, Pittsburgh and Cleveland. One of you is destined for a bright future, and the other, well, you'll be getting about 3 years off to reassess your campaign as a professional football team.


AFC West
Ah, the AFC West. The favorite division to think about when we couldn't sleep at night. Of course, you would finish in a three-way tie, but if it were truly up to the fans none of you would make the postseason. You've proven again why football will never take over baseball as America's game, mostly because you are an entire division of necessary evils that we'll never be able to vanquish no matter how strong our military might is.

Denver, you won the division in the very last week of the season despite being the long shot. You needed to win and hope for losses by the other two mongoloids ahead of you. Although we would normally commend you for that never-say-die attitude, we couldn't think of a more undeserving 'champion'.

We put Denver in the playoffs with a 9-7 record, which is about the only thing we got right. Kansas City gave up halfway through, Los Angeles did respectably mediocre again, and San Diego might as well have finished 5-11 with how terrible they were at the end. 9-7, Chargers? Seriously? Who do you think you're fooling? Here's to hoping Denver and Seattle play on a field covering a hidden wormhole or something.



NFC East
Flip Philadelphia and Washington around, and we didn't do too bad. Of course, that's easy to say now, but when it comes to the NFC East it's always a crap shoot. Washington led early and finished out in the last week with the title, which I guess I'm fine with as long as New York still got in with a wild card. While we've beat it in all of your heads that the Giants pulled off some mid-season magic after a 1-4 start, we do need to remember that the team has Phil Simms and Ottis Anderson. They'll need those guys this weekend if they want to beat the 49ers, another team that should have had a bye until a last-week coup in their own division.

Philadelphia was a bit of a disappointment to everyone in Philadelphia, but not really to the rest of us. They won some big games, lost even bigger ones (including a winner-takes-all game in Week 17 against the Redskins), and couldn't get any consistency out of QB Eagles, something we always take for granted before Week 1.

Dallas couldn't pull out the .500 record despite all of our opium-filled optimism, while Phoenix fell valiantly short of their 4-12 prognostication even after a 2-game win streak to close out the year.

NFC Central
Minnesota lost 37-0 in Week 1 to Chicago, and apparently that was all the fire they needed to rail off 11 wins in a row and be the first to plant a flag in their division championship. Since then, they've been one weird loss after another and doing a cartoonish stumble into the playoffs. We couldn't have gotten this division more wrong, erroneously predicting a strong finish by Chicago and Minnesota backing into the playoffs. Green Bay was the closest we got, and even that looks remarkably off. Nobody's ever been happier about a tie than Green Bay, as it kept them in and Chicago out after they both won in Week 17. They'll hope to out-duel the Rams and meet the Vikings in divisional play to get a measure of revenge.

We were a bit more hopeful for Detroit than we should have been, and even their 4-12 record surprises us after some of the jaw-dropping numbers Rodney Peete put up. Tampa Bay kept things interesting, holding on to a spot on the NFC bubble until Week 16 -- the longest they've ever been in the playoff picture until they dropped the creamsicle and Vinny Testaverde was playing back-up to University of Georgia alum and Rogaine spokesperson, Eric Zeier.

NFC West

The Los Angeles Rams and San Francisco 49ers combined for all 17 weeks leading the division, with the Rams leading the 49ers 11 weeks to 6. Of course, the eleventh week didn't come until the very last one, where Los Angeles pounded their way through the NFC West wall like Doomsday sniffing out Superman, taking the 49ers unawares. While everyone predicted a 49ers playoff berth, we were the most clueless with our pessimistic 6-10 guess for the Rams.

Both teams have big playoff match-ups this weekend against teams that certainly match up against their abilities well. The 49ers and Giants were both surprised by their depositions, but won't have time to cry in their beers when they duke it out. The Rams take on an unpredictably wild Packers team and a formidable foe in Don Majkowski. It'll be a game of who shows up against who, as both have shown to be offensive juggernauts, while also showing a bit of defensive retardation from time to time.

Atlanta was its normal pesky self, finishing with 6 wins, while the Saints came close to median as well. Yeah, we got nothing on these two anymore.


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So there you go. No more playoff calculating; no more flamboyant previews of games between irrelevant teams that wind up reading about as interesting as nutrition facts on a box of crackers. Right now, each game counts: win, you move on; lose, you're out, waiting nervously for the next undetermined time someone hits 'Season Game' on their Tecmo cartridge.

Wild Card weekend should prove to be just that, friends: Wild. With teams like Cincinnati and the Rams getting involved, we could be seeing deserving men like David Fulcher or Bern Brostek holding up the Lombardi. Of course, there's the more probable conclusion in which we see Dan Marino or Warren Moon slugging it out with QB Bills while San Francisco eats sourdough sandwiches on their next walk to the Tecmo Bowl. Nevertheless, faithful followers, we'll keep you in on the action until that fateful day we've all been waiting for, the day when we get to toast an Old Style to graphic designers Y. Mizushima and M. Mizuta during the end credits for gracing us with a game worthy of a twenty-something blogging about during his break in gainful employment.

Cheers!