Monday Night Football: Minnesota vs. Cincinnati

With both teams poised at the precipice of perfection, the Vikings and Bengals are sure to bring their A-game tonight. For Minnesota, that includes their third-ranked rush defense, while Cincinnati is ready to release the pit bull that is Derrick Fenner. It'll be the Vikings' biggest test since Barry Sanders in Week 2, something we never thought we'd be saying about the Fenner Bender at the beginning of the season. Like we said before, getting to 3-0 can be a cakewalk for any team, what with upsets and fluke wins always a part of the game. Getting to 4-0 is the real test, and tonight only one team will pass while the other will go back to obscurity inside their own respective division. With the Oilers surging in the AFC Central, that would be a worst-case scenario for Cincinnati. Ask Vikings' fans if they're comfortable with the rising rookie in Green Bay, and they may turn a different shade of purple. Either way, we're excited to document this important early season game for you, and with our filler running out let's say we just get into it.

Quarter One
Eric Ball is the returner for the Bengals this evening, and he gets his team a decent starting position at their own 37-yard line. Cincinnati comes out challenging the Vikings' defense early with two straight pitches to Fenner which net 9 1/2 yards. Fenner converts the first down, but that's all he'll get this drive when Boomer Esiason tries to change things up and gets picked in the end zone on his dead duck pass to Carl Pickens.

Faking the famed Carter reverse, a play made popular by the Mauritania Mourabitounes national football squad, Terry Allen rushes for 23 yards. On the next play, the Mauritanians lift their chins in pride when the Carter reverse is actually called and goes for another 1st down. Winded from his minute-long run, Cris takes the bench while Anthony, no relation despite having the same Ivory Coast-shaped birthmark, heads out on the field and immediately pulls in a criminally wide-open 47-yard pass from Rich Gannon for the first score of the game. That's two French colony references for you geography nuts out there (and I know you're out there).

Minnesota leads 7-0

Cincinnati starts at their own 40 on the next drive. Future Carl Ekern "Spirit of the Game" Award winner Harold Green, also having a stellar season in his breakout year, takes the ball for 8 yards and is immediately injured by the spiteful and unsympathetic Vikings defense. Fenner picks up the first down, and fearing for his own safety takes the bench on the next play to give Eric Ball his first chance to carry the...rock. Ball plods slowly but gets 9 yards, 3 of which are erased on the next play after Chris Doleman readjusts his infrared on the newest Bengals' ballcarrier. On 3rd and 4, Ball caps off his first drive as a rusher in professional football by finding out what Doleman had for dinner.

Quarter Two
After a Lee Johnson punt that goes for a touchback, the Vikings start their next drive handing the ball off to Allen who is quickly becoming entrenched in Dave Shula's next nightmare. Allen carts around the Bengals' defense for 15 yards, waking them up for the next three plays which see a batted pass, a reunion of Allen's face with the turf, and Rich Gannon using his wheels to pick up 4 yards on a 3rd-and-17 play.

Standout rookie Carl Pickens operates with the ball for the first time in the game on a punt return. He's only upright long enough to see 19 yards, and when Ray Berry smothers Esiason for a loss of 13 on the next play, the Bengals suddenly find themselves dangerously close to the next Shula aneurysm. On a shotgun play that sees Esiason leaning up against the goal post, the ball is lobbed up to a wide open Pickens for a huge 79-yard gain. Ball nets a negatively impressive minus-3 yards on the next two plays, and when Berry swallows up a second helping of Esiason, Cincinnati is forced to settle for a Jim Breech 32-yarder. Unfortunately, they'll have to settle for Jim Breech minus the three points when his kick sails wide left.

Cris Carter, the second leading rusher on the team, nabs another 22 yards when the Carter reverse baffles Cincinnati once more. Roger Craig, the third leading rusher, is welcomed back from injury by a wall of Bengals' defenders. Allen completes the trifecta that is the vaunted Vikings' rushing attack with a 22 yard burst to the Cincinnati 30-yard line. Craig earns another week with the squad with a 23-yard catch-and-run to the 6, where Allen runs from to score with just 34 seconds left in the half.

Minnesota leads 14-0

Halftime - Vikings 14, Bengals 0

Quarter Three
Breech delivers a full power kick to the always-dangerous Darrin Nelson, who's only able to bring it out to the Minnesota 14-yard line. Anthony Carter doubles that on his second reception of the game, and two plays later nabs his third, a 35-yard connection to get them inside the scoring threshold once again. A flea flicker to Allen is courageously blocked by the Bengals' secondary, but his third fake reverse once again stuns them for a gain of 25 yards to the Cincinnati 7-yard line. They get away with two straight misfires to each of the Carters, leading to a 3rd-and-goal situation. Sucking up their stripes, the Bengals hold tough on another heart-stopping flea flicker to Carter, Anthony, batting it away at the last moment. Fuad Reveiz is on to give some fans between the uprights an all-expenses paid trip to the team dentists' office.

Minnesota leads 17-0

From his own 35-yard line, Esiason dodges a sack and connects with Pickens for 36 yards to get inside the Vikings' 30. From the shotgun formation, Esiason overthrows Pickens in the back of the end zone. Carlos Jenkins scavenges Eric Ball and Boomer for parts on the next two plays, eliciting another Breech appearance. This time, his kick is on target from 54 yards, allowing new owner Mike Brown to release one of Breech's children back to his father.

Minnesota leads 17-3

Enough time remains on the clock for Darrin Nelson to both return the Breech kickoff 68 yards and impregnate three nubile young women, while still having enough time to compliment the head referee's new cleats.

Quarter Four
Thanks in part to Nelson's stellar return and Gannon's resilience, the flea flicker survives another entry in the record books with a 22-yard touchdown connection to Anthony Carter.

Minnesota leads 24-3

Ball gets the Bengals' their best starting position of the day at the Cincinnati 44-yard line. The product of Esiason's scolding on the sidelines from Coach Shula is realized when Fenner is fed the ball on the next four plays. He totals 53 yards, but that's all that'll stay on his stat sheet after the game when Eric Ball is sent out to scrape up the final three for the Bengals' first touchdown of the game, amending his stat sheet to now include 6 total yards and a score.

Minnesota leads 24-10

Allen scoops up the onside Breech kick at the Cincinnati 48-yard line. Steve Jordan catches his first ball of the year at the 41, making the most of it with a sweet, sweet run to paydirt. The Bengals are suddenly the loneliest men on the field.

Minnesota leads 31-10

Just for 'kicks', a full-power Reveiz boot pins the Bengals at their own 7-yard line. Esiason finishes the game with two blocked passes and a 20-yard run in true Boomer fashion.

Final: Vikings 31, Bengals 10

To the winners go the spoils, and so the Vikings spoil a 'perfect' opportunity for Cincinnati and leave as only the second undefeated team, alongside the 49ers of San Francisco. The power players were in full force for Minnesota, from special teams star Darrin Nelson, to the defensive efforts of Doleman and Berry, to Allen, Carter and his other brother (not actually) Carter. Even Rich Gannon was effective in his mediocrity, successfully averaging 33% on his three flicked fleas. Derrick Fenner was obviously underutilized, a factor that can be blamed on both Coach Shula and Boomer's eternal pout. This wasn't more obvious than during the Bengals' final meaningful drive, which Fenner single-handedly constructed for their only touchdown. Cincinnati has a week to regroup before meeting the Oilers in two of their next three games, a hugely important bump in their schedule. Meanwhile, the Vikings will hope to continue churning out performances like this one--if only to keep the chilling, cruel gaze of Denny Green from making the oncoming winter colder than it has to be.

Wild Card Weekend: Sunday Edition

Today we get to see who else is invited to the Divisional playoffs party. Wild card weekend has become NFL's rush week, a fun little formality before the big show where one or two teams that don't really belong get to the postseason to get a brief taste of what it's like. Yesterday it was the Seahawks and the Packers, today it's the Bengals. Once we get Cincinnati out of the way, like we did with Seattle and Green Bay, we'll get on to the main event where the truly dominant teams can compete.

5 Cincinnati Bengals (9-7) at 4 Miami Dolphins (11-5)

It's lonely being Dan Marino

Quarter One
The game begins with Dan Marino rushing for 35 yards, Mark Clayton catching a few long passes, and the Dolphins driving right into the heart of Cincinnati's hopes and dreams. Things go awry for a moment when Marino fumbles it over to the Bengals at the 4 yard line, but it's all forgiven when Cliff Odom comes in and swallows Boomer Esiason whole to capture at least two of the runaway points.

Miami leads 2-0

Marc Logan is injured on the kick return, suddenly turning this year's edition of The Tecmo Bowl playoffs into a backyard Juggalo wrestling event. The Dolphins avenge their fallen domehead when Marino finds Fred Banks for a 55 yard touchdown. Multiple Bengals' defenders fall down during the run to the end zone, causing a few Cincinnati fans to phone up Jesse Ventura to see if Joe Robbie Stadium is hiding some gators in the marsh they call their home field.

Miami leads 9-0

The Bengals get a second chance on offense, and Boomer gets them jacked up with a flea flicker to Tim McGee that goes for 65 yards. Just when it seems the momentum is starting to shift, however, the full force of Cliff Odom's brow ridge brings it back into Miami's favor and the Bengals are stuffed on three straight plays.

Zander is never lonely with that strainer

Quarter Two
Cincinnati begins the new quarter on a positive note when Jim Breech is called upon to knock it in from 39 yards out. Despite missing three field goals and four PATs during the season, Breech is suddenly looking like the Bengals' last hope, which is saying a lot when you have Carl Zander's pornstache on your team.

Miami leads 9-3

The Dolphins are driving, and Dan Marino must be starting to see the points light up on the board. Unfortunately for Marino, this foresight blinds him from actually seeing David Fulcher, and his pass to Ferrell Edmunds is rightfully gobbled up.

The Bengals have the ball back, but unfortunately have the task to drive the length of the field against a top-3 defense with just two minutes left. Boomer decides to go all-out on a flea flicker to Eddie Brown to split the yardage in half, but a Dolphin defender gets his weasely hand in there to break it up. A few plays later and the Bengals are in Jim Breech territory, which is who they're calling on after the Dolphins' D-Line is causing Boomer's dry cleaners to see dollar signs.

Miami leads 9-6

Marino has a minute to work with, and most of that is consumed by Tony Paige and Sammy Smith. Apparently feeling comfortable with keeping a short lead over the timid Cincinnati Barn Cats, the Dolphins are content with winding down the clock and sending boy-next-door Pete Stoyanovich out for the 3-pointer before halftime.

Miami leads 12-6

Halftime - Dolphins 12, Bengals 6

Quarter Three
Cincinnati gets a chance for a quick statement out of the locker room, but the Dolphins' secondary keeps Boomer boom-less as they knock all of his passes out of the air. The Bengals can't cross mid-field to even get Breech to match half of his field goal totals for the year, and Coach Wyche fulfills his promise to Lee Johnson that he'd be punting in today's game.

Paige and Smith can't find any running ground this time around, so Marino goes to the air. On 3rd-and-4, the playoffs' worst defense stuffs Marino and redeems themselves for at least one drive in their foreseeable future.

Like shouting at a horror movie, they just can't hear you

Only down by 6, the Bengals finally go to their successful running game of Ickey Woods and James Brooks. They're working well for the team, until Brooks is called upon for the surprise flea flicker. And as a play that they've run at least 1,600 times this season, you'd think it'd go off without a hitch. But Brooks tosses it back to the shadow of Boomer Esiason instead of to Boomer directly, who's currently trying to see if light can exist beneath fourteen Miami defenders. Fortunately for the Bengals, they recover their own mistake, but the quarter ends with a second consecutive punt from Johnson and a fifteenth consecutive championship-less season on the horizon.

Quarter Four
While Marino will always be remembered for his offensive prowess, one can't deny his innate ability to yank rugs from beneath other teams' starry-eyed dreams. On the first drive of the quarter, he threads the needle, putting on a passing clinic before finding a wide open Banks in the end zone for a touchdown. The lead is now nearly out of reach for an impotent Bengals' offense to catch up, and as the dominoes fall into place for another cookie-cutter Tecmo Bowl postseason Cincinnati fans are asking where their Joseph McCarthy is now.

Miami leads 19-6

The Bengals fight valiantly back as if they haven't already lost their first game in five consecutive contests. But with Brooks and Woods running down the field, too many seconds have ticked off the clock and Boomer's interception at the Miami 34-yard line is more of a mercy killing than a heartbreaking final pass of an otherwise magical season for Mr. Esiason.

Final Score: Dolphins 19, Bengals 6

Miami runs out the clock on some safe plays, knowing they have their big brother Buffalo waiting in the wings. After losing the division in the final weeks, Miami looks to be on track to re-ignite an offensive fire that saw them win seven in a row earlier this year. The offense didn't convince anyone with their lackluster win here, but with all the chances they gave Cincinnati their defense is what sees them walk out with 13-point win. Cincinnati packs their bags for the long trip home, but shouldn't hang their heads too much as they certainly provided some excitement and flavor to a rather stale postseason that would have been otherwise staler had Chargers' back-up QB Mark Vlasic been involved.

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5 New York Giants (10-6) at 4 San Francisco 49ers (10-6)

Quarter One
Ottis Anderson fumbles at the San Francisco 20-yard line.

Joe Montana throws a missile to Jerry Rice for a 55-yard touchdown on the second play of the drive.

San Francisco leads 7-0

Holt finishes with the most 49ers rushing yards this season

Phil Simms isn't there to retrieve Anderson's flea flicker. Pierce Holt scoops up the fumble and runs from the 49ers' 20-yard line to the Giants' 20-yard line.

Montana slices it to a wide open Brent Jones on the first play for a 20-yard touchdown.

San Francisco leads 14-0

Quarter Two
In the red zone again, Simms can't see Mark Ingram doing jumping jacks in the end zone. After a sack and Dave Meggett fumble is retrieved 10 yards back, Matt Bahr misses wide right from 53 yards.

Montana drives his team to the Giants' 30-yard line in about 7 seconds. The New York 'D' holds up for one drive, but Mike Cofer still converts 3 points for the gold-rushers.

San Francisco leads 17-0

The Giants get to the red zone for a third time, but fumble for the third time. Dave Waymer gets his name in the score book with the recovery.


Halftime - 49ers 17, Giants 0


Quarter Three
The 49ers get the ball to start the half, but don't come up with any points when Cofer is wide left from 52 yards out. Vegas bookies are starting to sweat.

Mark Ingram realizes coating his gloves in his lucky peanut oil doesn't work out so well when he drops a wide open pass at the San Francisco 20-yard line. Giants punt.

If one Tecmo screen capture could haunt a receiver's dreams, it's this one

John Taylor pulls in a Montana-bomb for a 45-yard touchdown. Vegas bookies pop open a bottle of Dom Perignon.

San Francisco leads 24-0

Quarter Four
Ingram can't pull in another wide open pass at the San Francisco 15-yard line on fourth down. But damn, those gloves taste good.

Look at the cute little Giants players who are still trying!

Jerry Rice pulls in a 35-yard pass on the first play of the drive while writing a check for his kids' college fund.

San Francisco leads 31-0

Anderson fumbles on the Giants' drive for New York's fourth turnover. Waymer gets the recovery again because he's a selfish prick. Which is why the 49ers signed him to a multi-year deal.

Rice pulls in a 40-yard touchdown on third down while writing a check for Giants' Coach Ray Handley's kids' college fund.

San Francisco leads 38-0

Simms can't clear the cobwebs after getting sacked and throws an interception at the 49ers' 15-yard line, icing this game for San Francisco. Who are we kidding, this game was iced before the coin flip.

Final Score: 49ers 38, Giants 0

We would apologize for the trite synopsis, but we couldn't really pretend that the Giants didn't put on one of the poorest performances in Tecmo playoff history. And trust me, I've seen all 45,000 of them. For a team that dominated their own division and most of the others while winning 9 of their last 11, they couldn't have played worse had they found Phoenix Cardinals jerseys in their lockers. It was a pitiful performance for one of the more anticipated games this weekend, but we can't really see how the Giants stood a chance against a very peeved-off 49ers team that had the West division stolen from them in the last week. Forget that the 49ers have the number 4-seed in this year's playoffs; they've got Washington next week followed by the winner of Minnesota vs. Green Bay. If a road was easier to the Tecmo Bowl, it would be in an S-pattern with a team of Bo Jacksons carting the carriage.

 

Looking Ahead (and Behind): Wild Card Weekend

Can you feel that? Yes, it's difficult to explain the feeling you get each year at this time (outside of nagging regret and a deep sense of failure for not keeping your New Year's Resolution even one week). But nonetheless, you feel it, and you can't escape it. Playoffs. But never before have you felt so attached to the teams in question. Sure, none of the players were on your fantasy team this year, but if you're honest with yourself you'll see that they mean so much more to you than stats or numbers. There you're family. There's your cocky younger brother, Jim Everett, frying the air with electric passes. There's your wise Canadian father, Mark Rypien, showing you how to act like you've been there before. And finally, there's weird Uncle Dave Krieg, who's always around even when he shouldn't be, i.e. yesterday morning's shower...

Today we'll take a look back at the season while also spit-shining our crystal ball to look for something to expect, even though we should know by now that the only thing to expect is some gosh-darned good Tecmo...plus a Denver vs. Seattle match-up.

AFC East
Nothing too surprising here. We nearly got the order right, but muddled up some of the numbers. The Bills weren't as dominant as we thought they'd be, at least not early on, but they're one of the hottest teams entering the playoffs. The Dolphins were coasting until a hiccup in Week 13, where they started a 3-game losing streak that saw the Bills take over the division and run away with it. They'll meet the upstart Bengals this weekend.

Now for some reason, yours truly put the Jets in the playoffs as a bold choice and true definition of the term 'wild card'. I don't know what I saw in Mr. O.Brien...perhaps it was his big collection of balls, or maybe that look in his eye that says "trust me" which, I admit, gets me every time. Instead, the Jets barely lost 3rd place to the Colts, a position that Indianapolis looked uncomfortable and awkward in the entire season.

Give it to Grogan, he made some games interesting, both with his uncanny inability to play football and his sheer determination to play football. He will forever keep the Patriots the most interesting 3-12 team to ever play the game of Tecmo. Perhaps we'll take you through a MAN season one year, Grogan, but you still have some trust to earn.


AFC Central
Houston took control early and didn't let go. We didn't expect much of a fight from the non-blood siblings that make up the rest of the division, but also didn't think the Oilers had it in them to rack up 13 wins, starting with a 4-0 head start. Luckily, the lowly Cincinnati Bengals made it a non-story with their huge late-season surge that saw them pull out from barely-breathing 5-7 in Week 13 to a chance for a wild card in control of their own destiny in the final week of the season. Here's to hoping that Boomer and his crew can keep whatever witch they hired alive to advance past the flawed and faltering Miami Dolphins during Wild Card weekend for at least one more week of magic.

The rest of the division finished out how we thought, and though the records differed slightly, they average out to the same and for that we give ourselves a hefty pat on the bottom. Neither team was particularly fun to watch, as expected, but did provide a good foil when one was needed. Good luck in the offseason, Pittsburgh and Cleveland. One of you is destined for a bright future, and the other, well, you'll be getting about 3 years off to reassess your campaign as a professional football team.


AFC West
Ah, the AFC West. The favorite division to think about when we couldn't sleep at night. Of course, you would finish in a three-way tie, but if it were truly up to the fans none of you would make the postseason. You've proven again why football will never take over baseball as America's game, mostly because you are an entire division of necessary evils that we'll never be able to vanquish no matter how strong our military might is.

Denver, you won the division in the very last week of the season despite being the long shot. You needed to win and hope for losses by the other two mongoloids ahead of you. Although we would normally commend you for that never-say-die attitude, we couldn't think of a more undeserving 'champion'.

We put Denver in the playoffs with a 9-7 record, which is about the only thing we got right. Kansas City gave up halfway through, Los Angeles did respectably mediocre again, and San Diego might as well have finished 5-11 with how terrible they were at the end. 9-7, Chargers? Seriously? Who do you think you're fooling? Here's to hoping Denver and Seattle play on a field covering a hidden wormhole or something.



NFC East
Flip Philadelphia and Washington around, and we didn't do too bad. Of course, that's easy to say now, but when it comes to the NFC East it's always a crap shoot. Washington led early and finished out in the last week with the title, which I guess I'm fine with as long as New York still got in with a wild card. While we've beat it in all of your heads that the Giants pulled off some mid-season magic after a 1-4 start, we do need to remember that the team has Phil Simms and Ottis Anderson. They'll need those guys this weekend if they want to beat the 49ers, another team that should have had a bye until a last-week coup in their own division.

Philadelphia was a bit of a disappointment to everyone in Philadelphia, but not really to the rest of us. They won some big games, lost even bigger ones (including a winner-takes-all game in Week 17 against the Redskins), and couldn't get any consistency out of QB Eagles, something we always take for granted before Week 1.

Dallas couldn't pull out the .500 record despite all of our opium-filled optimism, while Phoenix fell valiantly short of their 4-12 prognostication even after a 2-game win streak to close out the year.

NFC Central
Minnesota lost 37-0 in Week 1 to Chicago, and apparently that was all the fire they needed to rail off 11 wins in a row and be the first to plant a flag in their division championship. Since then, they've been one weird loss after another and doing a cartoonish stumble into the playoffs. We couldn't have gotten this division more wrong, erroneously predicting a strong finish by Chicago and Minnesota backing into the playoffs. Green Bay was the closest we got, and even that looks remarkably off. Nobody's ever been happier about a tie than Green Bay, as it kept them in and Chicago out after they both won in Week 17. They'll hope to out-duel the Rams and meet the Vikings in divisional play to get a measure of revenge.

We were a bit more hopeful for Detroit than we should have been, and even their 4-12 record surprises us after some of the jaw-dropping numbers Rodney Peete put up. Tampa Bay kept things interesting, holding on to a spot on the NFC bubble until Week 16 -- the longest they've ever been in the playoff picture until they dropped the creamsicle and Vinny Testaverde was playing back-up to University of Georgia alum and Rogaine spokesperson, Eric Zeier.

NFC West

The Los Angeles Rams and San Francisco 49ers combined for all 17 weeks leading the division, with the Rams leading the 49ers 11 weeks to 6. Of course, the eleventh week didn't come until the very last one, where Los Angeles pounded their way through the NFC West wall like Doomsday sniffing out Superman, taking the 49ers unawares. While everyone predicted a 49ers playoff berth, we were the most clueless with our pessimistic 6-10 guess for the Rams.

Both teams have big playoff match-ups this weekend against teams that certainly match up against their abilities well. The 49ers and Giants were both surprised by their depositions, but won't have time to cry in their beers when they duke it out. The Rams take on an unpredictably wild Packers team and a formidable foe in Don Majkowski. It'll be a game of who shows up against who, as both have shown to be offensive juggernauts, while also showing a bit of defensive retardation from time to time.

Atlanta was its normal pesky self, finishing with 6 wins, while the Saints came close to median as well. Yeah, we got nothing on these two anymore.


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So there you go. No more playoff calculating; no more flamboyant previews of games between irrelevant teams that wind up reading about as interesting as nutrition facts on a box of crackers. Right now, each game counts: win, you move on; lose, you're out, waiting nervously for the next undetermined time someone hits 'Season Game' on their Tecmo cartridge.

Wild Card weekend should prove to be just that, friends: Wild. With teams like Cincinnati and the Rams getting involved, we could be seeing deserving men like David Fulcher or Bern Brostek holding up the Lombardi. Of course, there's the more probable conclusion in which we see Dan Marino or Warren Moon slugging it out with QB Bills while San Francisco eats sourdough sandwiches on their next walk to the Tecmo Bowl. Nevertheless, faithful followers, we'll keep you in on the action until that fateful day we've all been waiting for, the day when we get to toast an Old Style to graphic designers Y. Mizushima and M. Mizuta during the end credits for gracing us with a game worthy of a twenty-something blogging about during his break in gainful employment.

Cheers!

Week Seventeen: New Year, Old Business

It's the last week of the year, but you can believe there'll be no benchings of Montanas or Moons as there's still plenty to play for. The only team that's locked up home field is Minnesota, and there are currently only three division champions. The standard Tecmo tiebreaker of using point differentials will make doing math on a Tuesday about 8 years removed from any statistics class that much easier. With that in mind, teams like Washington, Philadelphia, Los Angeles and Denver hold long shots at winning the division, but will need help from other teams and, in some instances, each other. Enough dilly-dallying, it's time to get down to what we've all really been waiting for these last few months, and that's Timm Rosenbach's final game.

1:00 Games

New York Jets (5-10) at Miami (10-5)

Miami wins the game to clinch a 4th seed in the playoffs, but they do so at the cost of Mark Clayton's fibula. Tony Paige took charge on the receiving end with 113 yards during another routine day for Dan Marino, while Ken O.Brien's 107 yards and 2 picks will make sure his routine next year includes retrieving shopping carts at the Whole Foods market.

Final Score: Dolphins 31, Jets 10

Pittsburgh (5-10) at Cleveland (6-9)

The Browns crawl into a last place tie with the Steelers in the AFC Central behind 3 interceptions from QB Browns. In a day filled with anticipation and excitement for other contests around the leauge, Merrill Hoge's stellar 145 yards rushing on 9 attempts is lost in the shuffle. While this may have led to the bitter, self-righteous man he'd come to be known as, for now he's still just "that one white guy in Pittsburgh who's not a lineman".

Final Score: Steelers 27, Browns 14

San Diego (9-6) at Denver (8-7)

The Broncos took the first game between these two in Week 4, and with another win here they continue stirring the pot of inedible stew that is the AFC West.  San Diego struck early with a B.J. Tolliver pass to a wide open Anthony Miller on the second play of the game, but from then on it was all a Denver rodeo, with Tolliver playing the clown that gets his ass dropped by Karl Mecklenburg. Tolliver ended with 2 picks, and a fumble recovery near the Denver goal line from Tyrone Braxton sealed the deal. John Elway mostly toyed with the San Diego defense, lofting up three or nineteen flea flickers, including a huge bomb right after halftime to Vance Johnson that put the Broncos up 14-10. 

The Broncos' win is only desired by Denver, as now Cincinnati is in a must-win situation against New England. Meanwhile, the bumbling Bolts need to pray to their god, Dan Fouts, for a Bengals loss to hope for a chance. The Los Angeles Raiders fall out of the race without even playing yet, and Seattle, whose grip on the division was about as tight as Derrick Fenner's butt, is now in jeopardy of letting it slip by should they lose to the Rams.

Final Score: Broncos 28, Chargers 10

Minnesota (12-3) at Green Bay (8-6-1)

In the position to knock the Packers out of playoff contention, the Vikings played all their starters, much to the worriment of nobody in Green Bay's front office. The tables turned in the Acme Packaging Company's favor when Herschel Walker went out in the second quarter with an injury and unresolved feelings of guilt. Wade Wilson tried his best Walker imitation with a rushing touchdown before the half, but being down 21-7 in the Don Majkowski Majik Show was just too big of a hurdle to climb. The men in purple closed the gap to 3 points in the fourth quarter with a Wilson-to-Steve Jordan 50-yard hookup, but a failed onside kick followed by a Majkowski-to-Perry Kemp connection for a touchdown sealed the deal on a disappointing day for the Vikings and Fuad Reveiz, who missed two field goals that would have given them the lead late in the game.

The Vikings still own home field, which will give Walker an extra week to rest, but they limp in after losing three of their last four. Green Bay claims a spot in the playoff party with the win, and could be the most dangerous with their offensive weapons and their 2-to-1 blonde mullet ratio.

Final Score: Packers 31, Vikings 21

New England (3-12) at Cincinnati (8-7)

Forced into a must-win with the Broncos' very probable beatdown of San Diego, the Bengals gladly welcomed the put-out Patriots to town. Cincinnati has been dangerous at home all year, but never so much as now behind a very determined offense that has racked up 3 wins in a row to take them from obscurity to possible playoff bracket-buster. James Brooks showed why he is one of the more underrated backs in Tecmo with a 50 yard dash to paydirt in the opening quarter. Another weapon that has emerged for Cincinnati, Tim McGee, caught two Boomer passes for touchdowns and another to put them in scoring position. The Patriots made it a game at the start with a nice drive led by Steve Grogan and John Stephens, but those two together couldn't out-do the Irving Fryar "last year of my contract" blues, as he dropped two sure-touchdowns for New England.

While nobody doubted that they could beat New England at home, the Bengals have been known to drop should-wins before to assure a spot in the playoffs for an irrelevant AFC West team. Not so this time around, as they boot San Diego from the postseason, and follow it up with some penis drawings on B.J. Tolliver's passed-out face.

Final Score: Bengals 31, Patriots 13

Seattle (9-6) at Los Angeles Rams (9-6)

While this was never really an important game for Seattle (a loss still assured them of a playoff spot and potential division title), nobody thought they'd play the foil the way they did here. It was a Tecmo game that made me wonder if I had channeled a Week One MAN/COM game in another dimension, as the Rams demolished the Seahawks with every weapon they had. Seattle has never been known for consistent play, but no one could predict the way their usually stout defense gave up two touchdowns each to Curt Warner and Henry Ellard. To the Rams' credit, their defense did highlight the Seahawks' deficiencies well with a safety and sack-fumble for a touchdown by Vince Newsome.

The Seahawks didn't play like a playoff-bound team here, and their first-round opponent may be watching this game tape with as much fervor as they watch all their films played in dimly-lit rooms. The Rams knew they'd need lots of points for a shot at the division, and they get the job done here. They're assured of at least a spot, while also butting the Bears and loser of the Washington/Philadelphia game out of the playoffs. Seattle loses out on a nearly-certain division title to Denver with this uninspiring blow-out.

Final Score: Rams 47, Seahawks 3

Indianapolis (5-10) at Tampa Bay (6-9)

It was a battle of teams that have showed glimpses of real possibility, but a clear inability to pay off Japanese programmers in the ways of Seattle or Chicago. Albert Bentley was hot with 100 yards rushing, while Reggie Cobb wasn't far behind with 7 rushes for 90 yards. Jeff George out-threw his opponent Vinny Testaverde in picks, 3 to 2, but also threw 200 more yards to cover up his stinkiness, much like Rohn Stark would do with the Oust in the bathroom later that night.

Final Score: Colts 28, Buccaneers 20

Los Angeles Raiders (7-8) at Kansas City (6-9)

No longer playing for their postseason lives, the Raiders still couldn't be outplayed by a horribly disappointing Chiefs squad. The two teams combined for 219 passing yards, while the Oakland Raiders' leading rusher on a team with Bo and Marucs was quarterback Jay Schroeder with 34 yards on 1 attempt. Hopefully nobody told him to stop running and he'll meet up with obscurity sooner rather than later.

Final Score: Raiders 24, Chiefs 20

Houston (12-3) at New York Giants (10-5)

It was an important game for both teams' playoff positioning, with the Oilers taking over on a late touchdown to seal the Number 1 seed in the AFC and delaying New York's clinching of the NFC East. The Giants lost David Meggett in the fray, and couldn't make up his loss on the ground with 122 yards on a whopping 22 attempts. New York will watch the rest of the day's games to see where they wind up, knowing that a big win by Washington or Philadelphia may mean Phil Simms having to cancel his appearance on 'The Flo' infomercial during week one of the playoffs.

Final score: Oilers 21, Giants 14

Philadelphia (9-6) at Washington (9-6)

The Eagles jumped into an improbable second-place tie with Washington to set up a pivotal match-up in the final week of the season. They won the first meeting in Week 5, but that was at home in a much less pressurized situation. They visited the nation's capitol for a shot at a wild card berth, but ended up playing the springboard for Washington in their quest to steal the division from the Giants. By halftime, it was already 23-3 behind a very effective Mark Rypien and Earnest Byner. Philadelphia had multiple chances to score, but Washington showed why they're the number two ranked defense with multiple sacks of QB Eagles in the end zone, a blocked field goal and a safety.

The Redskins do double-duty in their division by Markus Koch-ing the Eagles out of the playoffs and taking advantage of Tecmo's simple points-differential tiebreaker to take the division away from New York. A loss by San Francisco will also give them a real shot of a first-week bye, something that seemed very far off even after a huge win in New York last week to put them here in the first place. It's already shaping up to be a competitive postseason in the NFC, and with Mark Rypien involved corners everywhere are stocking up on double-sided tape.

Final Score: Redskins 37, Eagles 6

4:00 Games

Phoenix (2-13) at New Orleans (7-8)

The Cardinals win their second in a row and third out of the last 16 with a late surprise touchdown to keep the Saints from achieving a rare .500 season. Timm Rosenbach was his famously inefficient self with just above 50% completion rate and only 127 yards, but Phoenix took advantage of a rare off-day from Steve Walsh to pin it in. Of course, fans in the desert are decrying the Cardinals' inability to even be the worst team in the NFL this year.

Final Score: Cardinals 24, Saints 21

Dallas (6-9) at Atlanta (5-10)

The Falcons claim their sixth victory here over a very dispossessed Cowboys team. Chris Miller, one of the more accurate passers in the game, was only 50%, but his inability to match Troy Aikman in interceptions kept them in the win column. Also, Atlanta's ability to have a star wide receiver in Andre Rison lead the team in receiving yards rather than a back-up running back in Tommie Agee was sure to have helped their cause.

Final Score: Falcons 20, Cowboys 14

Buffalo (11-3-1) at Detroit (4-11)

The Bills lost out on their chance for a number one seed with the Oilers' win, but still took care of business in Detroit. QB Bills had 184 yards passing, while Thurman Thomas had a robust 88 yards on 8 rushes. After they were taken out two minutes into the first quarter, they let Detroit beat themselves to assure their standing as one of the teams coached by Wayne Fontes.

Final Score: Bills 35, Lions 24

Chicago (8-7) at San Francisco (10-5)

The Bears apparently enjoy the taste of ten crates of champagne over a playoff berth, since they rocked the 49ers on the road despite being knocked out of the playoffs earlier by San Francisco's division-foes in the Rams. Fan-favorite Brad Muster was the first to enjoy it when he went out with an undisclosed injury in the 1st quarter, but the Bears defense held up to keep Tom Rathman at 32 yards rushing and Joe Montana at just 177 yards with an interception. Jim Harbaugh was an uncharacteristic 76% efficient with 251 yards, perhaps knowing that champagne tasted even better filtered through groupies' panties.

Final Score: Bears 34, 49ers 20

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So the final three divisions are clinched, seedings are finalized, and we're all set for the Tecmo Bowl playoffs. To be honest, I almost wish I could just end here, knowing that the excitement and drama we've encountered for the past seventeen weeks being almost too much to contain in these flawed shells we call bodies. Alas, Tecmo is not so forgiving, and we must forge ahead. While not all of our predictions came true, we couldn't be too much happier with how things panned out. Here's to hoping for an equally dramatic and improbable postseason leading up to a Tecmo Bowl game unlike any other in simulated COM-COM Tecmo history!

Monday Night Football: Cincinnati vs. Pittsburgh

It's an old AFC rivalry that dates back to the glory days of the NFL, when men weren't afraid to spit out a few teeth between tackles or cheat on their wives with prostitutes in seedy hotel rooms. Now players are putting extra teeth in their mouths while cheating on their wives with expensive escorts on luxury boat cruises. There was a time, however, between these two eras, where the AFC wasn't so proud and the men weren't so daring. A time when quarterbacks were taken seriously with names like Boomer and Bubby. A time when an offensive lineman named Bruce Kozerski posed for Fleer cards taking on two men, because photographers couldn't get a game-time shot of him ever getting up off his knees. The Bengals visit Pittsburgh, each team looking to break even at .500 and keep pace with the Oilers. Only one team can emerge victorious and attain that elusive goal, and it will be the team with the most drive, the most heart, and the most offensive linemen named Bruce.

It's dusk in Pittsburgh; either that, or the
radon's acting up again

Quarter One
This contest officially begins with the mysteriously named "S" Jennings returns a Gary Anderson kick to the Cincinnati 37-yard line. Mister Boomer Esiason quickly gets the Bengals into Pittsburgh territory with a play-action pass to Eddie Brown. Ickey Woods gains 10 yards on the next play, while James Brooks adds another 10 with a pitch and suddenly the Bengals are frothing from their Zubaz-designed helmets. Esiason gets in on the party with a 10-yard scramble of his own, while Brooks nears the Pittsburgh 7-yard line with a consecutive first down and game officials are letting Cincinnati in on the secret that they actually have four tries to get 10 yards. The Bengals take heed, with two consecutive pitches to Woods getting stuffed. Facing 3rd and 7, however, Woods is entrusted with the ball and less than five seconds later, fans of the Steel City are witnessing the first Ickey Shuffle of the day.

Cincinnati leads 7-0

Pittsburgh gets its first chance, starting in Bengals' territory after a poor kick and nice return by Dwight Stone. With three men wide open, Brister opts for the covered Eric Green and his pass is mercifully booted away. The fates don't approve of his tempting on second down, however, as they allow Lewis Billups to step in front of the pass and takes it back to the Bengals' 30-yard line.

Brooks gets the carry on first down, taking it around the right side of the Steelers' defense for 14 yards. The radioactive D-Line from Three Rivers hulks up for the next play, however, stuffing Brooks on first down. Esiason goes to the air for the first time since the first play of the game, finding his favorite target in Brown for 30 yards to flip the field at the Pittsburgh 35. Boomer shakes off a Greg Lloyd sack on first down, and then finds Brown in coverage for 10 yards as the quarter ends.

Quarter Two

Nobody ever commends the graphic division in charge of
the stone-faced fans, so here it is: nice work, fellas.

On 3rd and 4, the team with the ugliest helmets this side of the XFL are threatening. Boomer decides to flaunt a bit with a flea flicker to Tim McGee, but his pass is laughably intercepted in the back of the end zone, putting an end to any desire that any team may ever have of running the flea flicker ever again.

Some may say I set that last sentence up so that I could comically call a Bubby Brister flea flicker, but he ruins the fun with a conventional pass to Derek Hill for 26 yards. Kevin Walker reintroduces Brister to his childhood on the next play with a 9-yard sack, but Merrill Hoge gains it all back with his first rush of the game. The remaining ten yards aren't converted, however, and Dan Stryzinski is on for his first punt tonight.

Brooks and Woods show off the scariest rushing tandem this side of Los Angeles with a combined 60 yards on the next three plays, capped off with a blitz-avoiding pass from Esiason to Brooks in the corner of the end zone for a touchdown. The Pittsburgh defense can only sit and watch, with their heads spinning in cartoonish fashion as Brooks and Esiason perform their ceremonial Tecmo Touchdown fellatio.

Cincinnati leads 14-0

With 1:34 remaining in the half, Pittsburgh starts out at their own 36. The Steelers start off conservative with a lateral pass to Hoge for 7 yards, but are punished when he is carried off the field, frantically asking "who's going to feed the cats?" and wiping tears, blood and uranium-tinged sweat from his chin. Honoring his fallen comrade, Brister cuts loose with a long bomb to Louis Lipps, who sucks in the 54-yard pass to the Cincinnati 3-yard line. With just 40 seconds left, fullback Warren Williams makes the Miami Hurricanes proud with a run up the gut for a very important Steelers' touchdown before halftime.

Cincinnati leads 14-7

The Bengals effectively take a Tecmo knee with two straight Brooks runs up the middle to draw out the rest of the time on the clock, and they go into halftime with the lead in this exciting, somewhat incestuous hook-up.

Halftime - Bengals 14, Steelers 7

Quarter Three
From their own 27-yard line, the Steelers begin their drive to tie the game the same way their last one ended, with a Williams run up the gut for 10 straight yards in a row to convert the first down. It's nearly all moot when Brister's pass bounces off Green and is nearly intercepted by Billups again. Luckily for Brister, the same AI that makes him terrible is what kept Billups from picking off the deflected pass, and so the drive continues with a 10-yard gain by Tim Worley, in for the gushing-blood Hoge. Williams takes the next two carries, chugging his way for 29 yards into Cincinnati territory. It's only three plays later, and the Bengals have gained 14 of those back with a blitz of Williams and sack of Brister, but Gary Anderson puts his South African leg to use and nails it from 49-yards up.

Cincinnati leads 14-10

The excitement, the drama, the monochromatic uniforms.
Must be Tecmo.

With half the quarter used up and the Bengals' lead cut to 4, Boomer knows he needs to bear down like all the other blue-collar men he's putting on a show for and get his hands dirty. In reality, however, he stands back like the white-collar men and puts Ickey Woods to work instead on the next three plays. After a hard-earned first down, Esiason goes back to the air for McGee, netting 30 yards to the Pittsburgh 45-yard line. After an unsuccessful shuffle by Woods and a batted away pass to Brown, Esiason faces 3rd down in no man's land. From the gun, he finds a diving McGee, who falls short of the end zone by inches as the quarter comes to an end.

Quarter Four
Only seconds into the final quarter, and Brooks walks in for a touchdown. It's raining daggers in Pittsburgh. Literally.

Cincinnati leads 21-10

Not pictured: Chuck Noll's Cantaloupes.

Pittsburgh starts their comeback with 4:31 remaining from their own 21-yard line. Brister quickly finds Green for 24 yards, but the bad news continues piling on when Green's valiant heroics come to a bone-crushing end as he's carried off the field. Brister drops back again, and is saved from a few mincemeat pies in the face when Hill steals a sure interception from the Bengals and carries it to the Cincinnati 38-yard line. Two meaningless plays later, and the Steelers are suddenly facing a must-convert 3rd and 7. James Francis mercilessly takes them out of field goal range, however--at least by conventional standards--but Coach Chuck Noll isn't conventional, and as an avid student of the football video game curriculum, shouts "Nobody PUNTS in Tecmo!" and shoves Gary Anderson out on to the field for a 61-yard field goal. The ball travels far enough to actually hit the upright and bounce back on to the field, however it's still only Anderson's third-most heartbreaking field goal miss in his career.

Boomer's first pass to Brown is nearly intercepted, eliciting cries and perhaps a few grown-man sobs, a sound heard quite often on the drive as the Bengals convert one first down after the other, finally hammering in the last nail of Pittsburgh's coffin with an exclamatory flea flicker to McGee for a 45-yard touchdown.

Cincinnati leads 28-10

Down by 18 with 1:23 left, Dwight Stone is able to find midfield on the return. Worley is given the ball on first down, which is questionable enough, but the Bengals' foreknowledge of the play call and its ensuing blitz causes me to wonder what kind of illegal deeds are being done in Cincinnati, outside of their receiving corps, of course. Worley gets in some more work with a gain of 6 yards, but apparently Coach Noll doesn't like what he sees and asks Brister to throw on 3rd and 9 with a minute remaining. His pass, intended for Hill, is completely read by Barney Bussey, who intercepts the ball and ices the game.

The Bengals comically lose 13 yards on the next two plays of their drive, showing that even in winning, sometimes there is no glory.

Final: Bengals 28, Steelers 10

Hand it to the Bengals: they went into hostile rival territory, and hardly bungled it at all. Boomer was flaming, more than usual, with his 254 passing yards more than doubling his counterpart and fellow nickname-starting-with-B quarterback. Tim McGee continued his hot streak, causing 'McGee' jerseys to become the most popular since the hundreds of rapscallions showing up at school with 'Lipps' written on their backs. The Bengals slide one more game up in the division, trying valiantly to keep in line with the Oilers, while Pittsburgh sees itself sliding off the bubble as the playoff party is started to get more crowded and stuffy. Cincinnati will continue to look toward making things interesting, and if I get to see Boomer and Ickey in a simulated Tecmo playoffs, I'll finally get to that last item on my bucket list.