Divisional Playoffs: Sunday Edition

Tonight we'll round out who advances to the conference championship games, something that's been a long time coming since we started this whole shebang last September. We already know who's in: Buffalo and Washington. But their fates still need determining by who wins today. Will the Bills have to travel into a hostile southern city, one still holding on to a 150-year hatred for anything yankee in appearance? Will the Redskins have to leave the comforts of their crime-ridden homes to travel to some podunk Midwestern state on their path to the Tecmo Bowl? We've got a couple of 1-6 games here that don't present too much excitement outside of a possible Bob Nelson sighting, but it also puts up the possibility of a big upset if one of the road warrior teams were to win. Let's head to Houston first for our second AFC Divisional affair.

6 Seattle Seahawks (10-7) at 1 Houston Oilers (13-3)

Quarter One
Seattle wins the toss, the first of what may be a few small victories here in the Lone Star state. They make the most of it by running three straight plays before having to punt after Sean Jones turns Dave Krieg into pâté.

The Oilers drive for about three and a half minutes before ending in a 43-yard field goal from Tony Zendejas, but before that they encountered a small scare when Lorenzo White coughed up the ball near midfield. Their indelible fears were erased for the time being when he recovered it again, erasing what may have been a huge mistake against a very formidable team in Seattle.

Houston leads 3-0

Quarter Two
Seattle runs three more successful plays, this time coming even closer to a first down, but John L. Williams comes up a hair short. Rick Donnelly, the Seahawks punter paid in coffee beans and trout, trots out and boots it to Houston for his second straight punt.

Thwarted again; seen only twice in the Seattle Seahawks' season,
the elusive first down remains an enigma for the men in silver and blue

The Oilers forget about their strategy to toy around with their opponents for the time being when Moon throws a laser shot to a wide open Drew Hill, who scores on the 60-yard connection. Upon realizing what they'd done by giving the potent Seahawks offense another shot before halftime, the Houston Oilers' owners immediately fire the entire coaching staff and a few of the more horse-faced cheerleaders.

Houston leads 10-0

Krieg is the first Seahawk to convert a first down when he scampers 25 yards, but Williams is stuffed on the next three plays to render all of that moot. The Oilers squeak by on another lucky defensive stand coached by the owner's 8-year old son and his gang of misfit orphan friends.

Their expertise on the offensive side of the ball isn't as recognizable, however, when the Oilers go quickly into a 3rd-and-19 situation and are stuffed for no gain. They punt it away to the highly skilled and very reputable Seattle offense once more, but luckily for them they don't score in the remaining 20 seconds of the half.

Halftime - Oilers 10, Seahawks 0

Quarter Three
Houston mysteriously emerges from the locker room with their coaching staff reinstated, but in the confusion they once again forget to not score right away when they call for the Moon-to-Jeffries connection for 55 yards to paydirt. Oilers fans are left scratching their heads.

Houston leads 17-0

Norm, a new sitcom on ABC: He's not inside the Norm!

Seattle continues to play very wise, meticulous football by keeping it on the ground. They're finally able to wear down the Houston defense with the exact same Williams play underneath five freaking times in a row. They crack into Oilers' territory for the first time, which becomes entirely too unfamiliar for the famously misanthropic Dave Krieg, so he uncharacteristically fails to move the chains and the Seahawks put Norm Johnson on the field in desperation for some points. Automatic Norm, as he'd come to be known in and out of his many mistress' bedrooms, comes on and plants it from 58 yards out for the second of two expected small Seattle victories of the day.

Houston leads 17-3

Warren Moon makes a mockery of the Seattle defense when he scourges them for two straight 25-yard runs to close out this wild third quarter of AFC football.

Quarter Four
Never let up on the Seattle Seahawks is the warning Moon and his Oilers heard all week, and they learn why as the fourth quarter starts when Moon is sacked by Joe Nash on fourth down and Zendejas is sent out for his second boot of the day. His kick bounces off the left upright from 50 yards out, casting a dark cloud over Houston and its suddenly very nervous fanbase.

The Oiler defense combining into the unstoppable PixelBlob

The Seahawks start their amazing comeback story with a slight setback when Krieg is intercepted on the second play from scrimmage near midfield. No sweat, there's plenty of time left for an offense of this caliber to rack up some points.

Houston can't get anything going on their next drive, and suddenly face a 3rd-and-18 situation after a David Wyman sack. When Wyman consumes Moon on a second consecutive sack, Zendejas is shakily trotting out for a 52-yard try. His kick sails wide left, not even coming close to the bar, and suddenly Houston has never looked more vulnerable.

Dave Krieg senses blood in the water, and quickly goes to work with some cerebral play calls that lull the Oilers into a false sense of security as he hands off the ball to Williams on three consecutive plays. Soon enough, however, the Seahawks face their biggest challenge yet when they stare right into a 4th-and-6 situation on the Houston 33-yard line. Derrick Fenner heroically takes the ball into his own hands and converts the first down, but with time as their greatest enemy the Seahawks wisely embrace their defeat and give Williams the ball for the final, courageous play of Seattle's season.

Final Score: Oilers 17, Seahawks 3

We tried to juice this one up as much as possible, but the fact of the matter is that this was simply a  refresher for the Houston Oilers to remember how to play football. And while they didn't convince anyone with their weak victory here, they advance to the AFC Conference championship for a mighty battle against the number 2-seeded Buffalo Bills. Their momentum is surely lacking after two missed field goals from Tony Zendejas, but with Warren Moon manning the offense it's easy to see why he was rusty with only 12 attempts on the year. Seattle had some bright moments on defense, their only strong suit and reason as to why they were here to begin with, but now must return home after a noisy whimper to an otherwise crazy rollercoaster ride of a season.

 

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6 Green Bay Packers (10-6-1) at 1 Minnesota Vikings (12-4)

Not to be confused with the popular blaxploitation actor

Quarter One
Don Majkowski, a man who's thrown 42 touchdowns this year and is second only to the overly charismatic Warren Moon, has also thrown 28 interceptions, and tosses up another one here to Carl Lee at the Minnesota 20-yard line.

The Vikings can't pillage the opportunity to strike first when Hassan Jones drops an off-target throw from Wade Wilson. Harry Newsome, the token mouth-breather of the Vikings squad, is on to punt it back to Green Bay.

Majkowski is slightly more efficient this time around, but not as electric with short passes and lazy handoffs only getting them near midfield where they're eventually stopped by the Purple People Disfigurers in Chris Doleman and Al Noga. The Packers punt it back to Minnesota.

Wade Wilson, known more for his flukey passing than his good looks, launches one off here to the wide open Anthony Carter, who shows why he's the superior Carter as he streaks to the end zone, causing multiple Packer defenders to fall at his feet and praise him as the ultimate football-playing Carter on this particular Minnesota Vikings football team.

Minnesota leads 7-0

Quarter Two
The Packers answer quickly on their next drive at the start of the new quarter, capping it off when Majkowski throws a crooked across-the-field ball to Sterling Sharpe for a 30-yard touchdown. The wild card of the team, however, is Chris Jacke, who is apparently the ultimate proponent of the two-point conversion rule that has yet to go into effect. He shows why when his sixth extra point of the year is blocked, meaning this game is ultimately headed for a 1-point win by Minnesota somewhere down the line.

Minnesota leads 7-6

Why they pay Anderson the big bucks

Jacke further adds to his legacy as the most hated man in Green Bay in the pre-Brett Favre era when he launches his kickoff just 30 yards to Alfred Anderson, who returns the kick all the way to the Green Bay 5-yard line. Jessie Clark, filling in for the still-injured Herschel Walker, finishes it off with a touchdown that, despite having the same effect as a Herschel Walker touchdown, pays Clark a bonus worth the price of one of Walker's dog's couches.

Minnesota leads 14-6

Green Bay knows they need a quick strike before the half to keep it close and quell the Vikings' momentum, but pick the worst strategy when Michael Haddix fumbles the ball during a decent drive at midfield.

The Vikings don't get any points on the turnover when Wilson is sacked on 3rd-and-9 during a Green Bay blitz, and the dangerous Majkowski will get the ball back one more time before the half.

With his team driving and back-up quarterback and former high school soccer player Anthony Dilweg getting dressed in Jacke's uniform, Majkowski appears to have one more play to take a shot or go with a field goal. They go with the more popular and less risky chance of going for a Hail Mary, but the demon-possessed Scott Studwell puts an end to that clamor with a sack of Majkowski and some split-pea soup projectile vomiting.

Halftime - Vikings 14, Packers 6

Quarter Three
The Vikings get the ball after halftime to make a statement and pull away from the suddenly impotent and cheeseless Packers team, but when Clark gets nowhere on three straight plays the Vikings are forced to send Newsome out after only taking off 48 seconds from the clock.

Noga gets another sack of Majkowski, while Lee adds to his defensive resume with his own sack, and the Packers face a 3rd-and-22 situation. The Don goes on the run, but his escape artists tactics can't outrun the adrenaline and Grain Belt-fueled Joey Browner, who brings him down after a gain of only two yards.

Hassan Jones converts a successful reverse play during Minnesota's next drive, but when he's called on to actually do his job of catching the ball on 3rd down, he fails wildly and the Vikings punt it back.

One downfall of Tecmo: the lack of mystery

Quarter Four
A few things happen on this drive for the Packers as they attempt to draw the score within one point. The first is a 4th-and-9 play at the Vikings' 39-yard line that Keith Woodside cleverly converts after a fake reverse play. Secondly, two Chris Doleman sacks of Don Majkowski push the Packers back to beyond where they started on that fourth down play. Thirdly, on 3rd and 24, Haddix yanks in a long ball from Majkowski and finally, Perry Kemp caps off a wild Packers drive with a 15-yard touchdown in the corner of the end zone. And now with just under two minutes remaining, the Packers are within one defensive stop of using this magical drive as a means to come back on their hated rival and upset the number-1 seeded Vikings.

Minnesota leads 14-13

While the Packers are within one defensive stop of the Vikings with about a minute and a half to go, Minnesota is within one stupid call from Green Bay's coaching staff to go ahead and punch their tickets to the NFC Conference championship. And just as they've done all season, the Vikings trick the opposing team to do something stupid when they call for an onside kick, one that Jessie Clark easily recovers. One play later, and Wilson makes the Pack pay with a flea flicker to Clark that converts into a 51-yard touchdown to give the Vikings an insurmountable lead.

Minnesota leads 21-13

Charles Wilson returned 72 kicks for the Packers this season, but on his 73rd he's inured and won't go golfing with his buddies next weekend in a telling turn of events for Green Bay. Down 8 with 28 seconds to go in a game before the anything-goes era of 2-point conversions, the Packers accept two more Chris Doleman sacks to make that about 42 sacks allowed by the Green Bay offensive line today, possibly leading to the -8 points they allowed their team as they hit the road back to Wisconsin.

Final Score: Vikings 21, Packers 13

The curse has been lifted! The Vikings win their very first featured game here on The Tecmo Bowl despite having possibly their best Tecmo season to date with 12 wins. Even with their lack of Herschel Walker, they show that they were deserving of the NFC's number 1-seed with the dominant victory here, led by Chris 'Bob Who?' Doleman. The Vikings have been a two-sided team all season, beating inferior teams but getting smoked by some of the more potent ones. They showed now that they're ready for a team like Washington to come to town for the rights to move on to the Tecmo Bowl, especially if Mark Rypien remains out of commission. And with the win, they round out a weekend that sees the top two seeds from each conference advance to make sure that the Tecmo Bowl will be a contest of the season's elite, plus a possible Wade Wilson thrown in for good measure.

Looking Ahead (and Behind): Wild Card Weekend

Can you feel that? Yes, it's difficult to explain the feeling you get each year at this time (outside of nagging regret and a deep sense of failure for not keeping your New Year's Resolution even one week). But nonetheless, you feel it, and you can't escape it. Playoffs. But never before have you felt so attached to the teams in question. Sure, none of the players were on your fantasy team this year, but if you're honest with yourself you'll see that they mean so much more to you than stats or numbers. There you're family. There's your cocky younger brother, Jim Everett, frying the air with electric passes. There's your wise Canadian father, Mark Rypien, showing you how to act like you've been there before. And finally, there's weird Uncle Dave Krieg, who's always around even when he shouldn't be, i.e. yesterday morning's shower...

Today we'll take a look back at the season while also spit-shining our crystal ball to look for something to expect, even though we should know by now that the only thing to expect is some gosh-darned good Tecmo...plus a Denver vs. Seattle match-up.

AFC East
Nothing too surprising here. We nearly got the order right, but muddled up some of the numbers. The Bills weren't as dominant as we thought they'd be, at least not early on, but they're one of the hottest teams entering the playoffs. The Dolphins were coasting until a hiccup in Week 13, where they started a 3-game losing streak that saw the Bills take over the division and run away with it. They'll meet the upstart Bengals this weekend.

Now for some reason, yours truly put the Jets in the playoffs as a bold choice and true definition of the term 'wild card'. I don't know what I saw in Mr. O.Brien...perhaps it was his big collection of balls, or maybe that look in his eye that says "trust me" which, I admit, gets me every time. Instead, the Jets barely lost 3rd place to the Colts, a position that Indianapolis looked uncomfortable and awkward in the entire season.

Give it to Grogan, he made some games interesting, both with his uncanny inability to play football and his sheer determination to play football. He will forever keep the Patriots the most interesting 3-12 team to ever play the game of Tecmo. Perhaps we'll take you through a MAN season one year, Grogan, but you still have some trust to earn.


AFC Central
Houston took control early and didn't let go. We didn't expect much of a fight from the non-blood siblings that make up the rest of the division, but also didn't think the Oilers had it in them to rack up 13 wins, starting with a 4-0 head start. Luckily, the lowly Cincinnati Bengals made it a non-story with their huge late-season surge that saw them pull out from barely-breathing 5-7 in Week 13 to a chance for a wild card in control of their own destiny in the final week of the season. Here's to hoping that Boomer and his crew can keep whatever witch they hired alive to advance past the flawed and faltering Miami Dolphins during Wild Card weekend for at least one more week of magic.

The rest of the division finished out how we thought, and though the records differed slightly, they average out to the same and for that we give ourselves a hefty pat on the bottom. Neither team was particularly fun to watch, as expected, but did provide a good foil when one was needed. Good luck in the offseason, Pittsburgh and Cleveland. One of you is destined for a bright future, and the other, well, you'll be getting about 3 years off to reassess your campaign as a professional football team.


AFC West
Ah, the AFC West. The favorite division to think about when we couldn't sleep at night. Of course, you would finish in a three-way tie, but if it were truly up to the fans none of you would make the postseason. You've proven again why football will never take over baseball as America's game, mostly because you are an entire division of necessary evils that we'll never be able to vanquish no matter how strong our military might is.

Denver, you won the division in the very last week of the season despite being the long shot. You needed to win and hope for losses by the other two mongoloids ahead of you. Although we would normally commend you for that never-say-die attitude, we couldn't think of a more undeserving 'champion'.

We put Denver in the playoffs with a 9-7 record, which is about the only thing we got right. Kansas City gave up halfway through, Los Angeles did respectably mediocre again, and San Diego might as well have finished 5-11 with how terrible they were at the end. 9-7, Chargers? Seriously? Who do you think you're fooling? Here's to hoping Denver and Seattle play on a field covering a hidden wormhole or something.



NFC East
Flip Philadelphia and Washington around, and we didn't do too bad. Of course, that's easy to say now, but when it comes to the NFC East it's always a crap shoot. Washington led early and finished out in the last week with the title, which I guess I'm fine with as long as New York still got in with a wild card. While we've beat it in all of your heads that the Giants pulled off some mid-season magic after a 1-4 start, we do need to remember that the team has Phil Simms and Ottis Anderson. They'll need those guys this weekend if they want to beat the 49ers, another team that should have had a bye until a last-week coup in their own division.

Philadelphia was a bit of a disappointment to everyone in Philadelphia, but not really to the rest of us. They won some big games, lost even bigger ones (including a winner-takes-all game in Week 17 against the Redskins), and couldn't get any consistency out of QB Eagles, something we always take for granted before Week 1.

Dallas couldn't pull out the .500 record despite all of our opium-filled optimism, while Phoenix fell valiantly short of their 4-12 prognostication even after a 2-game win streak to close out the year.

NFC Central
Minnesota lost 37-0 in Week 1 to Chicago, and apparently that was all the fire they needed to rail off 11 wins in a row and be the first to plant a flag in their division championship. Since then, they've been one weird loss after another and doing a cartoonish stumble into the playoffs. We couldn't have gotten this division more wrong, erroneously predicting a strong finish by Chicago and Minnesota backing into the playoffs. Green Bay was the closest we got, and even that looks remarkably off. Nobody's ever been happier about a tie than Green Bay, as it kept them in and Chicago out after they both won in Week 17. They'll hope to out-duel the Rams and meet the Vikings in divisional play to get a measure of revenge.

We were a bit more hopeful for Detroit than we should have been, and even their 4-12 record surprises us after some of the jaw-dropping numbers Rodney Peete put up. Tampa Bay kept things interesting, holding on to a spot on the NFC bubble until Week 16 -- the longest they've ever been in the playoff picture until they dropped the creamsicle and Vinny Testaverde was playing back-up to University of Georgia alum and Rogaine spokesperson, Eric Zeier.

NFC West

The Los Angeles Rams and San Francisco 49ers combined for all 17 weeks leading the division, with the Rams leading the 49ers 11 weeks to 6. Of course, the eleventh week didn't come until the very last one, where Los Angeles pounded their way through the NFC West wall like Doomsday sniffing out Superman, taking the 49ers unawares. While everyone predicted a 49ers playoff berth, we were the most clueless with our pessimistic 6-10 guess for the Rams.

Both teams have big playoff match-ups this weekend against teams that certainly match up against their abilities well. The 49ers and Giants were both surprised by their depositions, but won't have time to cry in their beers when they duke it out. The Rams take on an unpredictably wild Packers team and a formidable foe in Don Majkowski. It'll be a game of who shows up against who, as both have shown to be offensive juggernauts, while also showing a bit of defensive retardation from time to time.

Atlanta was its normal pesky self, finishing with 6 wins, while the Saints came close to median as well. Yeah, we got nothing on these two anymore.


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So there you go. No more playoff calculating; no more flamboyant previews of games between irrelevant teams that wind up reading about as interesting as nutrition facts on a box of crackers. Right now, each game counts: win, you move on; lose, you're out, waiting nervously for the next undetermined time someone hits 'Season Game' on their Tecmo cartridge.

Wild Card weekend should prove to be just that, friends: Wild. With teams like Cincinnati and the Rams getting involved, we could be seeing deserving men like David Fulcher or Bern Brostek holding up the Lombardi. Of course, there's the more probable conclusion in which we see Dan Marino or Warren Moon slugging it out with QB Bills while San Francisco eats sourdough sandwiches on their next walk to the Tecmo Bowl. Nevertheless, faithful followers, we'll keep you in on the action until that fateful day we've all been waiting for, the day when we get to toast an Old Style to graphic designers Y. Mizushima and M. Mizuta during the end credits for gracing us with a game worthy of a twenty-something blogging about during his break in gainful employment.

Cheers!

Looking Ahead: Week Seventeen

Seventeen weeks ago, a journey began. We were different people then, sporting shorts, tank tops and sunburns. Now we're huddled near the fireplace with mugs of hot cocoa, still hungover from the doctored egg nog at Christmas. We've seen teams rise and fall, some stay the course, and others ride up from behind like your outgrown boxer shorts to surprise us all. Sixteen teams are still in it, but when the dust settles only twelve will remain. Let's get to it.


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AFC East
The Bills stormed out from relative mediocrity to quickly snatch up a division championship before the Dolphins had a chance to recover from a three-game skid. With their win last week, however, Miami took their rightful seat in the playoffs and are now just looking for a home game, which they can clinch with another win against New York at home.

Buffalo can clinch a number one seed with a win against the lowly Lions, paired with a Houston loss.




AFC Central
Houston took control of the division many weeks ago, but just when it looked like the rest of the division was going to be quiet, the Cincinnati Bengals marched out of nowhere to rack up three wins in a row and put themselves in a desirable spot for a wild card berth heading into week 17.

Houston can clinch a number one seed with a win in New York against a hot Giants team, but could also take it with a Buffalo loss regardless of what happens.

Cincinnati can clinch a playoff spot with a win against New England at home, or could back in with losses from both Denver and Los Angeles.




AFC West

Seattle has the tiebreaker, so are technically already in the playoffs. The only thing to decide is the division, which they take with a win over the Rams or a San Diego loss in Denver.

San Diego takes it home with a win against Denver paired with a Seattle loss. If the Chargers lose it, they'll need some help from Steve Grogan in Cincinnati.

Denver has to take out San Diego at home, and will also need Seattle to fall big time for a shot at the division.

Los Angeles will have to beat the Chiefs at home, and look for both Cincinnati and Denver to lose to keep Bo Jackson out of training camp.




NFC East

The New York Football Giants were the success story of the division this year, and would have already clinched mathematically if not for Tecmo's 'anything can happen' attitude. Washington and Philadelphia will also fight for a playoff berth in the final week.

New York can take the number two seed with a win against Houston and a San Francisco loss.

Washington can claim a spot by beating Philadelphia or watching a loss from any one of three teams in Los Angeles, Green Bay or Chicago.

Philadelphia has a similar fate.




NFC Central
Minnesota has been the story of the NFC Central, but after claiming the number one seed last week we now turn our attention to the fading playoff hopes of Green Bay and Chicago.

Green Bay is in with a win, and out with a loss. Simple as that.

Chicago is still mathematically in it, but they need to beat San Francisco and hope for losses from Green Bay or Los Angeles to have a shot.




NFC West
It's been a two-team race for the most part between the 49ers and Rams, despite spotty solid play from the Saints and Falcons. The 49ers have this division in the bag after a huge 9-game win streak, but the Rams still have a chance to regain their early-season prime and make some noise in the postseason.

San Francisco could take the number two seed with a defeat of Chicago paired with a Giants loss.

Los Angeles is in simply with a win, but could follow Cleveland Gary in the back door with a loss from either Green Bay or Chicago.


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There isn't a featured game this week, but to reward your loyal patronage of this increasingly pointless blog we're going to do short vignettes of seven of the more meaningful games. And they are (in no particular order):

San Diego (9-6) at Denver (8-7)
Minnesota (12-3) at Green Bay (8-6-1)
New England (3-12) at Cincinnati (8-7)
Seattle (9-6) at L.A. Rams (9-6)
Philadelphia (9-6) at Washington (9-6)
(if necessary) Chicago (8-7) at San Francisco (10-5)

See you at the pre-game ceremonies, which include a return of the ever-popular 'Keg Stand with Joe Namath'!

Looking Ahead: Week Eight

This never gets old, does it? Feels like we were just here, friends, watching Ken O.Brien valiantly sacrifice his mortal soul over to the football gods in Warren Moon and Al Del Greco. But like our earth mother, the football world just continues to move forward, not stopping even once for Gary Anderson to clean his cleats. Now we stare at Week 8 in the face, the de facto halfway point of our Tecmo season, with some spicy narratives to play out. Let's take a look, shall we?

May or may not be referring to the speed 'allegedly'
found in the soles of Beebe's Reeboks

The Sunday games won't start easy on us, with Cleveland looking to break out of .500-dom against the AFC West leading Billy Joe Tollivers. Two 5-win teams in the Dolphins and Oilers also lock up in a possible playoff preview of teams with mutant quarterbacks, while the Jets hope to soar to their first win since Week One when they welcome the equally free-falling Colts from Indianapolis. Can Minnesota keep up their winning streak against New England? Projections say "yeah"; Tecmo history says "yeah, right!" Perhaps the premiere match-up, however, will surprisingly involve Cincinnati as they welcome the Bills, now in power-up mode, in a battle that will show the kind of mettle the 4-2 Bengals are made out of. Will they survive and continue breathing down Houston's oily neck, or will Don Beebe turn Riverfront Stadium into his own 'House of Speed'?

Majik is 'over the Moon' with these stats

The late afternoon has the Raiders traveling down the Santa Ana Freeway to battle the Rams. Although the Raiders are 3-4 on the year, it would appear that the Rams need this game more with the beasts in San Francisco waking from an early season hibernation. They'll be cheering on the Lions as Rodney Peete takes on a 27th-ranked 49ers pass defense (although this may be about as threatening as a three-toed sloth crawling up a branch-less tree). The game of import, of course, will be Chicago versus Green Bay in a battle of NFC Central powerhouses. Only one will survive to five wins, and we're boldly predicting the Majik man to turn the Monsters of the Midway into garden gnomes with a wave of his magic Perry Kemp wand.

The Tecmo Monday Night tour makes a stop in the Big Easy when the Buccaneers come sailing into town to pirate another win against the Saints. Tampa Bay has been a surprise of late, reeling in two convincing wins in a row before their bye. The Saints have been surprising in that Hoby Brenner has a Wikipedia page. It's not a star-studded match-up the likes we've seen before (Detroit vs. Indianapolis, Week 4), but it should give both teams a chance to show they belong in the NFL and in one of their sponsored pre-Madden video games. After all, none of the featured games we've had so far have given us a chance to see a former Heisman Trophy winning-quarterback in action.

You can 'Qwiz' Walsh, but you can't 'Testaverde'

Then again, nobody said you had to be a Heisman Trophy winner to post standings...

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AFC

NFC

Byes: Washington Redskins, New York Giants, Philadelphia Eagles, Dallas Cowboys

Monday Night Football: Dallas at Green Bay

After this game, he's boxing for the Soviets

Dallas heads north to Green Bay amidst inner turmoil and external goings-on within their own division. While the NFC Central isn't a cake-walk for the Acme Packing Company's favorite team, Dallas faces at least three other teams that don't expect to go anywhere for a while, and another that plays happily amidst 115 degree heat. Dallas needs a win to stay ahead of the surging Giants, while the Packers need to dig deep into their own gouda-covered souls just to keep pace with the league-best Minnesota Vikings. The Cowboys and Packers have identical 3-2 records, and while their style of play is mostly different, with Emmitt Smith on the ground for Dallas and Ed West trying out his moon boots to pull in Don Majkowski bombs for Green Bay, their will to win is the same. After all, you don't have to scour the internet to find out how far Troy Aikman is willing to go for this win--in fact, you just need to look to your left, courtesy of Pro Line Portraits.




Quarter One

Aikman can only watch in pixellated horror

Dallas wins the toss and greedily decides to take the kick, going against all social customs and I believe a few of the Camp David Accords. James Dixon takes a poor Chris Jacke kick to the Dallas 41 for a prime starting spot. After an incomplete pass to Jay Novacek and a modest, yet unsuccessful, run by Tommy Agee for 7 yards, Dallas finds themselves with a third-and-three situation. Not wanting to relinquish their drive and waste good field position, they decide to try and convert the third-down with another Agee dash around the end for 4 yards and the first down. After this successful display of professional football play-calling and a gutsy effort by Agee, Aikman gives it up anyway with a pick to linebacker Scott Stephen.

Starting from his own 40-yard line, Don Majkowski takes the field, and his mullet appears a bit perturbed that he's missing the hockey game. His first pass is a perfect strike to Perry Kemp, who carries it into Dallas territory with a 29-yard gain. This play inevitably sets up the Michael Haddix draw, which is usually almost always doomed from its inception. When his next pass to Kemp is blocked, Majkowski now faces an improbable 3rd-and-10 situation, and so he goes to the sure-handed Kemp again for a possible conversion. Unbeknownst to him, Kemp is now drawing about three defenders a play, and his pass is batted harmlessly away. Chris Jacke is on, and not even the cold October chill of eastern Wisconsin can stop his 50-yarder from splitting the uprights.

Nintendo goal post, or M.C. Escher drawing?

Green Bay leads 3-0

Dixon takes another nice return out to the Dallas 43-yard line. And what starts as a promising drive turns into a broken promise for Cowboys' fans when Aikman is picked off again, this time by another member of Green Bay's alliterative secondary, Chuck Cecil.

Majkowski keeps the momentum going with an overthrow of wide open Sterling Sharpe on first down. He makes up for this indiscretion with a 12-yard connection to Haddix. And if the conventional thinking here is to keep moving quickly to keep Dallas reeling, Lindy Infante does the opposite with a Sharpe reverse play, perhaps to go along with the fact that his clothes and hat are all on backwards and that he keeps telling the other coaches that "It's NOT OPPOSITE day".

All that paid-for weight training, yet Aikman
just can't buy this kind of talent

Quarter Two
The next quarter begins with a football bouncing off Michael Haddix's face mask, and it's 3rd-and-11. Out of the shotgun, Majkowski launches a beauty to Kemp that spends about 30 seconds in the air and goes 12 yards. The next two plays involve Keith Woodside and Sterling Sharpe, but because they're not Sharpe reverses, Green Bay scores a touchdown.

Green Bay leads 10-0

Like the middle brother, James Dixon takes another great return unnoticed to the Dallas 47-yard line. The first Aikman pass is blocked at the line of scrimmage, considered a great success by his coaches, so when his next pass is completed to Michael Irvin for a gain of 23 yards they're pretty much ready to dust off Roger Staubach's crown and scepter. Knowing when to cash in their chips, however, the Cowboys entrust the next play to Emmitt Smith, who sheds a defender or two for a 28-yard touchdown run and gets Dallas back in this one.

Green Bay leads 10-7

If that is your real name...

From their own 26-yard line, Green Bay starts with about two and a half minutes remaining to build on their lead before the half. Kemp pulls in a pass in double coverage for 13 yards, but the Packers' scoring campaign comes to a halt there after three straight sacks, two by Jimmie Jones. One of the NFC's best punters named Don comes out, and boots one 60 yards to pin Dallas at their own 26-yard line.

With 1:12 left in the half, it's Dallas' turn to take control of their destiny, and their scoring drive begins with a Smith burst up the middle for 11 yards. With 50 seconds left, Aikman drops back to pass and finds Smith again, this time hoofing it down the field. He characteristically breaks a tackle, and it's not until he crosses in for a touchdown when the next Packer defender finally breaks the 50-yard line.

Dallas leads 14-10

Charles Wilson doesn't fool anyone into thinking he's scoring on his 15-yard kickoff return, as the time runs out on the half and Green Bay's early dominance.

Halftime - Cowboys 14, Packers 10

Lake Michigan is closer than any Dallas defender on this play

Quarter Three
It's Green Bay's turn at the start of the second half due to NFL rules regarding ball control, and out from their own 38 Woodside takes a handoff to midfield for a first down. The Magic Man can't find his rabbit with an overthrow of Kemp, but he successfully saws the Cowboys defense in half on the next play with a lob to Kemp for a 51-yard touchdown connection.

Green Bay leads 17-14

Inspired by his team's last drive, Chris Jacke finally gets his kick past the Dallas 30-yard line, where Dixon is eventually stopped anyway. Aikman goes to the air on the first play from scrimmage, hitting Michael Irvin between the middle hashmarks for 13 yards. Jerry Holmes sacks Aikman on the next play, making Agee's ensuing bootleg run a bit questionable until he gets the ball to within inches of another Dallas first down. They go with the Agee run around the left again, and just when the Cowboys looked to be choking away their lead on Colby cheddar, Agee breaks a tackle behind the line and tacks on 13 more yards. Smith steals his thunder and perhaps his father's love on the next play, however, with a 30-yard burst up the middle to the Green Bay 4-yard line. In spite of this success, Dallas goes to the air on the next two plays, and although they try to involve Smith both times, he can't haul in the Aikman lobs and it's 3rd-and-goal from the 5-yard line. Smith goes around the right end, but the human wood-chipper named Bob Nelson is there to swallow him up, leaving nothing but a cloud of navy and gray molecules. Ken Willis is on for the chip shot and Dallas ties it up.

Score tied 17-17

After a considerably poor return by Wilson, Green Bay starts at their own 16-yard line. Majkowski scrambles into the fourth quarter with a 12-yard run.

Ed West, followed by Majkowski's magical floating football

Quarter Four
The Haddix draw play somehow nets the Packers 21 total yards into Dallas territory, wiping away nearly a minute, along with the smiles of any connoisseurs of defensive prowess. Majkowski hits Kemp for a 35-yard gain, and then Ed West in double-coverage for a touchdown, using up less than half the time it took Haddix to get back to the sideline.

Green Bay leads 24-17

Knowing that his team needs a touchdown just to tie with only 3:24 remaining, Dixon helps his team out with a return to the Dallas 46-yard line. Jimmy Johnson breaks out the cerebral coaching tactics he's so well-known for by using Smith to run down the clock, and then is taken over by his inner flashy offense demons when he calls for a deep pass to Kelvin Martin for a 48-yard catch-and-run touchdown to tie it up with two and a half minutes remaining.

Score tied 24-24

Misplacing a page from the James Dixon book of kick returning, Wilson only gets the ball to the Green Bay 18-yard line with 2:11 remaining for a final win-sealing score. After Woodside takes the ball for a short gain, Majkowski almost tosses the game away when his pass to West is nearly intercepted. With 3rd-and-5 staring at him in the face, Don goes to his favorite Sharpe, who pulls in a nearly impossible reception and streaks down to the Dallas 23-yard line. Needing just to run down the clock and put Jacke out on the field, Green Bay opts for a Sharpe reverse. Coach Johnson's got his Brainiac cap on, however, and decides to let Sharpe score on the reverse to put the ball back in his team's hands. Unfortunately for Dallas, the Sharpe play is designed to take off at least 45 seconds, and when Dallas gets the ball back they only have 30 seconds left and lots of Monterey Jack-covered egg to wipe off their faces.

Green Bay leads 31-24

Purely for football card stats only

Jacke puts everything into his next kick, apparently saving it all for this one, but Dixon carries it out of the back of the end zone anyway. Needing one of his patented exciting returns, Dixon can only get to the 7-yard line. With 14 seconds left, Dallas goes to the popular Last Play in Tecmo playbook and hands the ball and hopes for a win to Agee. And in true Tecmo fashion, he takes it for a 9-yard gain that still falls 55 yards short of spur-kicking, pistol-shooting glory.

Final: Packers 31, Cowboys 24

Fans of the Packers have to be happy with what they saw out of their quarterback and his favorite target, as they connected 5 times, twice for a touchdown. Majkowski leads the league with 18 touchdowns, 3 more than Jim Everett, and the Packers are hot on the heels of Minnesota and Chicago in the NFC Central leading into Week Seven. The NFC East gets a little messier here with Dallas' loss, and despite the Cowboys' efficient run game there is much to be desired by their offense. They fall into a tie with New York, looking up at Philadelphia, Washington and perhaps the roofs of their own coffins. Troy Aikman threw two early picks, but Dallas stayed close with Green Bay, even leading at the half. It sort of makes you wonder where they may have finished had the picks been touchdowns, but then again that sort of wondering might get you thinking about how much longer you have until you see your wife in bed with Babe Laufenberg.

Looking Ahead: Week Six

As much as we try to fight it, the leaves keep falling and the temperature keeps dropping. And meanwhile, The Tecmo Bowl season just keeps trucking right along, not stopping even for Al Toon to recover from his sixteenth concussion. We at The Tecmo Bowl have sat through a lot of simulated seasons, but this one is up there as far as exciting storylines and jaw-dropping upsets go. How lucky are you all that we ended up covering this season out of the bajillion combinations the all-knowing Tecmo computer could have picked? Anyway, enough patting our shoulders -- it's time to put on our analyzing glasses and commentating mouthpiece, and break down this week's match-ups.

Sunday afternoon won't start slow with the first group of games. First, there's a tough game at home for Kansas City against the Bills, who seem to be just on the cusp of kicking into high gear. As we saw last Monday Tuesday, the Chiefs are headed into a downward spiral, and will need to somehow pull it out against Buffalo if they want to save their playoff chances. Also in the AFC East, Miami will try to stay ahead of the pack while in New England, in a game where they can't trip up (although Marc Logan inevitably will), while Indianapolis heads to a tough environment in Pittsburgh in hopes to get back in the win column against Bubby Brister's 3 TD/6 INT ratio.

Still the only grown man that gets away with being 'Bubby'

Houston is back from a bye week, and they immediately fly into Denver with a chance to continue their streak as the last undefeated team in the NFL. The Broncos return home from a tough loss in Minnesota and behind one game in the AFC West, but you'd have to be a fool to think that John Elway would let his team sulk rather than take down a contender en route to their fourth win. Warren Moon may be leading Elway in all relevant quarterback categories (11 TDs, 1100 yards passing, 176% passer rating), but they each have one rushing touchdown. And if you consider the fact that the Moon sneak works nearly 99% more times than any Elway scramble play, then I don't think it's a mystery which play-caller really is superior.

NFL leading rushers or Midwestern farmers?

After running all over the Patriots and ending up somewhere in Utah, Johnny Johnson and the Phoenix Cardinals welcome the thawing New York Giants in an NFC East match-up that's really going to be a turning point in New York's season. The Cardinals may not have the guts or the gall to make a run to the playoffs at this point, but you'd better believe their mouths are watering at the chance to pull the Giants deeper into the muck of the league's worst teams. New York is on the verge of getting back to .500, and depending on what happens around the league, could start making some noise. We just hope that noise isn't Phil Simms' sleep-inducing broadcast voice.

The late afternoon games won't let up, but of course did you expect them to? The Los Angeles Raiders are riding hot and riding dirty after two convincing wins. Unfortunately for them, they're out of the NFC West and back in their own division, this time up against San Diego. The Chargers knocked Kansas City down another peg to pull within a first-place tie of Seattle, but you'd have to believe their challenge this week will be a bit harder, with the Bo Jackson/Marcus Allen tandem presenting a few more problems than the previous week's Okoye/Word debacle. San Diego has played cool, calm and collected as of late, but if there's anyone capable of having something blow up in his face, it's B.J. Tolliver.

Sunday concludes with an intriguing NFC showdown between Washington and Chicago, two teams trying to keep their momentum going in their respective divisions. The Redskins have been losing some steam as of late, however, and with Mark Rypien finally throwing his first picks of the season there's really not much left going for Washington. They've lost two in a row, while the Bears have rolled out three wins in succession on the back of league-leader in rushing, Neal Anderson, who's got what analysts call a 'favorable match-up' this week. We picked one team to win their division, and the other to lose out on the playoffs altogether, and if you need a hint you needn't look further than who has the edge in the very important 'Cap Boso Factor'. 

Monday night apparently won't be rung in by Hank Williams, but we'll still see some good ol' boys from Texas when Dallas heads north to Green Bay to shake some cobwebs and start a run for a playoff spot. Before the season, we envisioned the Packers edging Dallas out for a playoff spot, and while we continue to stick to our proverbial guns, we still see this as an exciting match-up and a chance for both teams to start drawing attention. Both teams bring identical records to the table (3-2) and thus a pretty similar ranking in offense and defense. However, the Magic Man himself, Don Majkowski, has been slightly better on the field and in blonde mullet-growing than Troy Aikman, and so we're thinking that the Packers fare better in their second featured game at home--unless Mike Saxon's leg has anything to say about it.

Here it is: The first (and probably last) Tecmo punter profile on the 'Net!

My, how our little standings charts have grown!

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AFC

NFC

 

 

Byes: Atlanta Falcons, Los Angeles Rams, New Orleans Saints, San Francisco 49ers