Monday Night Football: Washington vs. Denver

Like a fine aged cheese, John Elway stinks the longer you leave him out. So far, the captain of the Broncos has led his team to one win in five tries, not something any true blue Orange Crush fan club member can be happy with. Denver appears to have turned it around last week with Elway's first non-interception game against a hapless Chiefs team. Nonetheless, a win is a win, and they're hoping the momentum carries over to a tough encounter with the Washington Redskins on Monday Night Football. The Redskins are coming in hot off a win themselves, beating on the lowly Cardinals after slumping for two games. Tonight will feature two quarterbacks looking for relevance again, one a weathered and worn soul named Mark Rypien, and the other being the suave and stylish John Elway. And though we like to poke fun at Rypien's immobility compared to Elway's runaway-train type speed, he at least has the composure not to look his age while posing in a pair of chest-high gym shorts. Let's head out to the field, shall we?

Quarter One
The able-bodied Brian Mitchell finds a home at the Washington 43-yard line to start out the game. From there, the Broncos defense, usually a remarkable example of ineptitude, washes over the Redskins' offensive line to form a nice Earnest Byner schmeer. Washington runs the popular yet unorthodox Byner-fumble-to-Gary-Clark play that nets the usual 49 yards to the Denver 13-yard line. Two plays later and only 4 yards the wiser, Rypien drops back and chucks it over to the 2-yard line where former first-round pick Dennis Smith is waiting in the wings for an interception.

The Broncos get a bit cute on their first play with a Mark Jackson reverse that is almost wiped out by a safety. At the 1-yard line and facing a long field, Reggie Rivers runs up the middle for an important 2 yard gain. On 3rd-and-9, Rivers finds himself dangling at the edge of danger when he's taken down back at the 1-yard line. Mike Horan is out to kick a ball.

Mark Rypien is reminded of what he was trying to do on the last drive, and lines a streaker into the waiting arms of Gary Clark along the sidelines for a quick score.

Washington leads 7-0
 
The Arthur Marshall fan club's favorite person returns a kick to the Denver 32-yard line to start of the next Broncos drive. The almighty Gaston Green picks up nearly 7 whole yards around the right side, but his football playing encounter is short-lived when the Reggie Rivers show picks back up. Two straight plays lead to a net of 0 yards, though one of them was a 4-yard first down run. Despite the amount of learning being done at this rushing clinic, John Elway takes charge on the next play and scampers all the way to the Washington 16-yard line to close out the first quarter of play.

Quarter Two
Elway runs another 10 yards like a teenage boy when his girlfriend's parents get home early, but the 4-yard Jackson reverse for a touchdown is what finally gets Coach Gibbs to pull out the shotgun.

Score tied 7-7

The Redskins begin their next drive at the 26-yard line, but the acquaintance is short-lived when Jeff Mills back-body-drops Rypien to the 16. On the next play, with all receivers open and shooting off signal flares, Rypien heaves up a pass that is blocked at the line of scrimmage. Mike Croel brings the drive to a sudden and sympathetic close with another bone-crushing sack of the stone-shoed Rypied.

After Marshall's punt return puts them at their own 43, Gaston Green is given the ball. He chalks up another successful positive-yardage run to the Washington 45. Two plays later, Elway mistakenly throws a pass to one of his own receivers, and Shannon Sharpe does his job in making the 45-yard catch-and-run look easy.

Denver leads 14-7

With the clock ticking at their own 29-yard line, the pride and joy of Abilene, Texas, Terry Orr, picks up a hefty 22 yards with a catch in the flat. Under a minute left, Byner is handed the ball and forgets to fumble it 19 yards later. Ricky Sanders is the target of Rypien's next pass, but when he's brought down at the Denver 8-yard line with just 10 seconds left, the Chip Lohmiller crew is sent out to clean up the mess.

Denver leads 14-10

Halftime: Broncos 14, Redskins 10

Quarter Three
When Marshall fumbles the opening kickoff, Keith Kartz seizes the opportunity to show off his cool maximum speed rating by hustling it out to the 29-yard line. A perfectly-timed Jackson reverse racks up another 13 yards, followed up by a stellar 15-yard jaunt from Gaston Green. Rivers tries to sneak back into the party, but the Redskins' hold him up for just 4 yards. Elway comes out in shotgun formation, but takes the smarter route by zig-zagging through the tripped up Redskins' defense for 23 of the 24 yards needed to score. Rivers picks up the touchdown two plays later as a reward for his hard work, though he was quoted after the game stating he'd have settled for a cookie or gold star on his locker.

Denver leads 21-10

Mitchell is on the receiving end of a booming David Treadwell kick in the end zone, and can only find his way out to the 7-yard line. The following are the Cliffs Notes version of the drive: Earnest Byner runs three times for 4 yards. Punt.

Marshall is burned good on the Goodburn punt at his own 42-yard line, where the Redskins defense digs in their heels to shut down the Broncos on the last two plays leading into the fourth quarter.

Quarter Four
Rivers comes out for an encore performance, but his famous 5-yard run isn't quite enough for the first down and Horan is out to punt the ball into the womb of a virginal Pamela Tebow.

Rypien goes to Clark on the first play from scrimmage, picking up a quick 26 yards. The follow-up passes to Sanders and Clark are smartly batted away by the wisened up Broncos' secondary, leading to a 3rd down play that sees Rypien get attacked by the Jeff Mills tickle-monster. Clark comes through on 4th-and-20, however, with a catch at the Denver 27-yard line that livens up the crowd. Popular John Muir High School alum Ricky Ervins can't drag down a Rypien pass in the end zone, and the next two plays are throwaways in the face of a riled up Denver blitz. On 4th-and-10, Rypien picks his poison with Sanders, and is nearly  picked again by Dennis "Swanson" Smith.

Denver, seeing about a minute left on the clock, decides it's now or never for another Jackson reverse. On second down after a loss of one, Elway drops back but finds Andre Collins trying to impregnate him just a few short seconds later. On third down and with just seconds left to go, Elway is once again honored by the presence of Collins when he refuses to kneel and is rewarded for his insolence by having his spine ripped out from his brain to end the game on a somewhat bittersweet note.

Final: Broncos 21, Redskins 10



As predicted, it was a pretty underwhelming performance from both teams, with Denver winning due to being the only team to remember to come back out of the locker room after halftime. Elway was less-than-effective through the air, connecting on only 25% of his passes, but his ground game led a team of underachievers, promoting shades of a 2012 offensive scheme twenty years too early. Rypien was hardly any better with his arm, but his inability to make up for his own rushing corps' woes left his team in a pile of Denver dust. The Broncos leave with the all-important second win to continue their winning roll, though it came at the cost of Elway's bones littering the field as the final seconds of the clock ticked away. It'll be a short week for the buckin' Broncos of Denver, which means future XFL MVP Tommy Maddox might want to start warming up a day early if he's to be in shape for any Million Dollar Championships.

Week Six: Here We Go, Woof Woof!

This sixth week of the Tecmo Bowl season contains the fewest games thus far, but they're still packed with playoff implications and chances for a few teams to either gain momentum or carry it over. If you're in the mood for exciting action and unpredictable plays, you'll be happy to know that the entire NFC West is in action this week. Should you be a fan of underdogs making a statement in the middle of the season, you may have a chance for some surprises as well. And if you're a rubbernecker who likes taking pleasure in seeing emaciated dogs get whipped with spiked chains, Cleveland and Pittsburgh have a game against each other.

1:00 Games

New Orleans (4-1) * L.A. Rams (2-3)

The Saints continue to roll behind an accurate Bobby Hebert and his 264 passing yards and Eric Martin's ability to shed defenders with his baby-oiled skin, racking up 114 receiving yards of his own. The Rams appeared lost all game, with Everett suffering a 27% completion rating and 3 picks. They couldn't get going on the ground with Cleveland Gary's promising start plagued by fumblitis and an actual plague, as he was one of three Rams injured. L.A.'s invitation to the NFC West party is revoked yet again.

Final Score: Saints 31, Rams 7

San Francisco (5-0) * New England (1-3)

The 49ers remain unreachable with another win, this one a walkabout on the Patriots out of the New England territory. Hugh Millen continues to hurtle into the abyss that is the average New Englander's brain cavity, throwing just 165 yards with an interception. While his counterparts continue to shock the league, Steve Young is making a quiet case for early-season MVP. We're expecting a Dateline episode on Hebert's attempts to hire an undercover hitman to hit the airwaves in the next few weeks.

Final Score: 49ers 35, Patriots 13

Buffalo (3-2) * L.A. Raiders (3-2)

It was one of those overtime games you just knew the Bills would pull out, more than likely with a Jamie Mueller burst up the middle for a quick six. Unfortunately for Buffalo, Mueller changed his name to Carwell Gardner and sucks at running. On the rushing subject, it was perhaps the most anticipated match-up of the day with 1-2 rushers Thurman Thomas and Eric Dickerson squaring off. Thomas won the day, tricking the Raiders defense with 102 yards on 10 carries, but the ultimate winner was Jay Schroeder. Tricking Jim Kelly into an obvious Freaky Friday situation, Schroeder threw for 80% and 239 yards to Kelly's 85 yards and 2 picks. We always knew Schroeder and Lindsay Lohan had more in common than just their looks.

Final Score: Raiders 30, Bills 24 (OT)

Cleveland (1-3) * Pittsburgh (1-3)

The Pittsburgh comeback train made a stop in Cleveland and was promptly hijacked by a group of very hungry bulldogs. The Browns feasted on Neil, sacking him multiple times and limiting him to just 115 yards and a few picks. Mike Tomczak could afford the luxury of being entirely useless, with the Browns rushing 24 times for 198 yards, half of those coming from Kevin Mack. Left reeling from the onslaught of rushes, the Pittsburgh defense couldn't keep up, and now the Steelers' train appears to have been rerouted to a railroad bridge that Bubby Brister covered with thermite.

Final Score: Browns 17, Steelers 14

Kansas City (1-4) * Philadelphia (2-2)

Barry Word and Herschel Walker return to the game to set up the day's second-most anticipated rushing match-up, but it ended up being a Kimble Anders and Randall Cunningham show, each leading their respective teams in all-purpose yards. It was the team from Philadelphia that won the day to get back into their division's race behind Cunningham's accurate passing and their ability to have a team led by Dave Krieg be their opponent for the week. The Krieg experiment faces yet another setback with his abhorrent 77 passing yards and 3 interceptions.

Final Score: Eagles 28, Chiefs 17

Indianapolis (2-2) * New York Jets (3-2)

The Colts are handily handed their third loss in a row, this time against a divisional rival on the rise. Despite losing Blair Thomas to an injury in the first quarter, the Jets ground game literally didn't miss a step behind Freeman McNeil's 81 yards on 5 carries. This left the league's leading rusher, Brad Baxter, open to catch 89 of quarterback Browning Nagle's career-high 242 yards passing. The Jets are coasting on autopilot through the AFC West, leaving the Colts to continue nosediving with a couple of gremlins named Jeff George and Rodney Culver.

Final Score: Jets 28, Colts 14

4:00 Games

Miami (3-1) * Atlanta (4-1)

After watching the Jets take the win to move up, the Dolphins took the field against the league's hottest team in Atlanta. It was another classic showdown between quarterbacks Chris Miller and Dan Marino, as they combined for 555 yards, mostly throwing to their stars in Mark Duper and Andre Rison. The Falcons edged out the Dolphins by playing the touchdown to field goal game, putting the rest of their division on notice by both defeating a quality team and by withholding food from a rabid Ken Tippins.

Final Score: Falcons 24, Dolphins 20

New York Giants (1-3) * Phoenix (0-4)

The Cardinals played a tight game with the Giants, but fell once again due to their inexperience and the fact that Chris Chandler can't even outplay Jeff Hostetler's 81 passing yards with 2 interceptions, throwing just 76 of his own with a pick. Johnny Bailey tried his best to keep his team in the game for an improbable win with 86 yards rushing, but the Cardinals fell victim to a hungry Giants team readying themselves to strike in a division that no team wants to admit to winning.

Final Score: Giants 17, Cardinals 10

Dallas (3-1) * Seattle (0-5)

Appearing to be comforted by a Phoenix loss, the Cowboys laid down to the winless Seahawks, giving them their first win in a very flat victory where Stan Gelbaugh outthrew Troy Aikman 204 yards to 59. Emmitt Smith didn't get the memo at first, running over the tough Seahawks rush defense for 91 yards on just 6 attempts, but once the message went over neither team decided to score in the second half. The Seahawks somehow squeak into not-worst team in the AFC West for now, though there are still eleven full weeks for them to find themselves again.

Final Score: Seahawks 28, Cowboys 21

Houston (2-2) * Cincinnati (3-1)

The Oilers win game one of their two game series over the next three weeks, with this contest offering up enough excitement to warrant a return game. Boomer Esiason's effective performance wasn't enough to match up to a possessed Warren Moon of late, though it may have been the surprisingly stout Oilers' defense that limited Derrick Fenner to just 51 yards on 10 attempts that put Houston in a first-place tie. After losing their first two games, the Oilers are primed to run the table the rest of the season. The only one who appears surprised by this is my dog, who also happens to be the biggest Eric Ball fan in the entire household.

Final Score: Oilers 21, Bengals 17

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After winning just their first game a week ago, the Denver Broncos appear on the national stage to meet up against the Washington Redskins. These Redskins are definitely not the same team as last year's NFC Champions, and this couldn't be made more obvious than by the encumbered playing style of Mark Rypien. As we've mentioned literally thousands of times, the Redskins have perhaps one of the greatest tandem of receivers in the game, but with Rypien's inability to throw out of the pocket their time may be better spent lobbying at the nation's capitol for a new quarterback. The man in charge in Denver, John Elway, has also been playing like a newly-castrated dog, throwing more interceptions so far this season than touchdowns. The difference in these two men appears to be in their legs, with Elway's able to carry him somewhere promising while Rypien's being able to bend sometime just after midway in the second quarter of each game. It's an important mid-season game for both teams that reside in winnable divisions, though we think this one's going to the team that's got a nose tackle who takes pleasure in crippling kittens if they look at him the wrong way.

Looking Ahead: Week Six

Week Six: aka The NFC West Side Story. A combined record of 15-5 coming into the sixth week, with three of those losses attributed to the Rams of Los Angeles, this division has clearly taken notice of the rest of the Tecmo Bowl. San Francisco remains one of only two undefeated teams, with the other, Minnesota, being off this week with the rest of their division. New Orleans and Atlanta have each only lost once, leaving the Rams to struggle to stay afloat. With all four teams in action this weekend, there are sure to be a few bloody casualties left in their wake, though perhaps they've raised some eyebrows and neck hairs around the league amongst teams ready to make a statement. As we mentioned, the NFC Central is off (joined by the 4-1 Chargers) so that should leave those of you salivating for bloody massacre pitching the proverbial Tecmo tent.

The first two games feature three of the four teams out of the Wild Wild West of the NFC. Bobby Hebert will more than likely have his choice of sides when he makes a buffet of the Rams' secondary, while Steve Young and his 49ers should manage to stay one step ahead of the pesky Saints by putting New England through their Frisco burger meat grinder. Back in the AFC, Eric Dickerson's Jekyll will continue to battle the ugly beast that is Jay Schroeder's Hyde as the bipolar Raiders attempt to take advantage of the immensely flawed Buffalo Bills.

The other early games will feature the Cleveland Browns and Pittsburgh Steelers returning to action from their bye. Both sit at 1-3, but we really only give one of these teams a chance at turning their season around. If the Steelers can't do it here, with their stout defense and weapons in Barry Foster and Neil O'Donnell, then it may just be time to put a bullet in their head. Philadelphia picks a decent-sized straw with the Kansas City Chiefs on the docket, giving them a chance to hit restart on their thus-far disappointing season.

The early games are rounded off by a somewhat intriguing AFC East showdown between the Colts and Jets. Both are headed in quite opposite directions, with the Colts' time running out to get back into the winner's circle. And as luck would have it, they'll meet their irritating siblings in the New York Jets. The Jets enter Week Six leading the league in rushing offense with the ever-popular Brad Baxter and Blair Thomas tandem hitching the rest of the team, including rookie quarterback Browning Nagle, to their star to try and keep pace with the Dolphins and Bills. Baxter himself ranks behind only Eric Dickerson and Thurman Thomas in yardage. Though it's hard to see him keep that pace, it's always nice hear someone named 'Brad' doing something positive, instead of hitting on underage girls or starring in Canadian soap operas.

The later games begin with a slobberknocker between two playoff-destined teams in Miami and Atlanta. Both teams only have one loss each, but at this point in the season it appears the Falcons will need to be the ones to keep it that way. Dan Marino appears to be losing his touch, and now that he's up against a pretty dominating defensive front there's a good chance he'll lose feeling in other places as well. The Giants will continue to lay some bricks in the hole they're sitting in against the winless Cardinals, even though Dallas will be busy making widows out of the wives of an equally winless Seattle team. Sunday night closes with division-leading Cincinnati attempting to hold on to their crown against a surging Oilers team out of Houston. The Bengals have a very heavy task of flipping the momentum that Houston has found, just as their own was turned around before the bye with a thumping on behalf of Minnesota.

The short schedule will close out on Monday night with an inter-conference showdown between Washington and Denver. It's yet another meeting of playoff teams from a year ago struggling to repeat their success. The worn down Mark Rypien has had all sorts of trouble finding the receivers his coaches and GM have presented to him, though he's been a paragon of talent compared to the downright ugly John Elway. Elway finally helped his Broncos get their first win just last week, though there's still lots of work to do on the other side of the ball. The last place defense of Denver may just be what the doctor ordered for the 27th-ranked Washington offense, though with a match-up that ugly it won't be surprising if doctor's office visits don't rise through Tuesday morning.

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AFC 

NFC

Byes: San Diego Chargers, Minnesota Vikings, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Green Bay Packers, Chicago Bears, Detroit Lions

Monday Night Football: Dallas at Green Bay

After this game, he's boxing for the Soviets

Dallas heads north to Green Bay amidst inner turmoil and external goings-on within their own division. While the NFC Central isn't a cake-walk for the Acme Packing Company's favorite team, Dallas faces at least three other teams that don't expect to go anywhere for a while, and another that plays happily amidst 115 degree heat. Dallas needs a win to stay ahead of the surging Giants, while the Packers need to dig deep into their own gouda-covered souls just to keep pace with the league-best Minnesota Vikings. The Cowboys and Packers have identical 3-2 records, and while their style of play is mostly different, with Emmitt Smith on the ground for Dallas and Ed West trying out his moon boots to pull in Don Majkowski bombs for Green Bay, their will to win is the same. After all, you don't have to scour the internet to find out how far Troy Aikman is willing to go for this win--in fact, you just need to look to your left, courtesy of Pro Line Portraits.




Quarter One

Aikman can only watch in pixellated horror

Dallas wins the toss and greedily decides to take the kick, going against all social customs and I believe a few of the Camp David Accords. James Dixon takes a poor Chris Jacke kick to the Dallas 41 for a prime starting spot. After an incomplete pass to Jay Novacek and a modest, yet unsuccessful, run by Tommy Agee for 7 yards, Dallas finds themselves with a third-and-three situation. Not wanting to relinquish their drive and waste good field position, they decide to try and convert the third-down with another Agee dash around the end for 4 yards and the first down. After this successful display of professional football play-calling and a gutsy effort by Agee, Aikman gives it up anyway with a pick to linebacker Scott Stephen.

Starting from his own 40-yard line, Don Majkowski takes the field, and his mullet appears a bit perturbed that he's missing the hockey game. His first pass is a perfect strike to Perry Kemp, who carries it into Dallas territory with a 29-yard gain. This play inevitably sets up the Michael Haddix draw, which is usually almost always doomed from its inception. When his next pass to Kemp is blocked, Majkowski now faces an improbable 3rd-and-10 situation, and so he goes to the sure-handed Kemp again for a possible conversion. Unbeknownst to him, Kemp is now drawing about three defenders a play, and his pass is batted harmlessly away. Chris Jacke is on, and not even the cold October chill of eastern Wisconsin can stop his 50-yarder from splitting the uprights.

Nintendo goal post, or M.C. Escher drawing?

Green Bay leads 3-0

Dixon takes another nice return out to the Dallas 43-yard line. And what starts as a promising drive turns into a broken promise for Cowboys' fans when Aikman is picked off again, this time by another member of Green Bay's alliterative secondary, Chuck Cecil.

Majkowski keeps the momentum going with an overthrow of wide open Sterling Sharpe on first down. He makes up for this indiscretion with a 12-yard connection to Haddix. And if the conventional thinking here is to keep moving quickly to keep Dallas reeling, Lindy Infante does the opposite with a Sharpe reverse play, perhaps to go along with the fact that his clothes and hat are all on backwards and that he keeps telling the other coaches that "It's NOT OPPOSITE day".

All that paid-for weight training, yet Aikman
just can't buy this kind of talent

Quarter Two
The next quarter begins with a football bouncing off Michael Haddix's face mask, and it's 3rd-and-11. Out of the shotgun, Majkowski launches a beauty to Kemp that spends about 30 seconds in the air and goes 12 yards. The next two plays involve Keith Woodside and Sterling Sharpe, but because they're not Sharpe reverses, Green Bay scores a touchdown.

Green Bay leads 10-0

Like the middle brother, James Dixon takes another great return unnoticed to the Dallas 47-yard line. The first Aikman pass is blocked at the line of scrimmage, considered a great success by his coaches, so when his next pass is completed to Michael Irvin for a gain of 23 yards they're pretty much ready to dust off Roger Staubach's crown and scepter. Knowing when to cash in their chips, however, the Cowboys entrust the next play to Emmitt Smith, who sheds a defender or two for a 28-yard touchdown run and gets Dallas back in this one.

Green Bay leads 10-7

If that is your real name...

From their own 26-yard line, Green Bay starts with about two and a half minutes remaining to build on their lead before the half. Kemp pulls in a pass in double coverage for 13 yards, but the Packers' scoring campaign comes to a halt there after three straight sacks, two by Jimmie Jones. One of the NFC's best punters named Don comes out, and boots one 60 yards to pin Dallas at their own 26-yard line.

With 1:12 left in the half, it's Dallas' turn to take control of their destiny, and their scoring drive begins with a Smith burst up the middle for 11 yards. With 50 seconds left, Aikman drops back to pass and finds Smith again, this time hoofing it down the field. He characteristically breaks a tackle, and it's not until he crosses in for a touchdown when the next Packer defender finally breaks the 50-yard line.

Dallas leads 14-10

Charles Wilson doesn't fool anyone into thinking he's scoring on his 15-yard kickoff return, as the time runs out on the half and Green Bay's early dominance.

Halftime - Cowboys 14, Packers 10

Lake Michigan is closer than any Dallas defender on this play

Quarter Three
It's Green Bay's turn at the start of the second half due to NFL rules regarding ball control, and out from their own 38 Woodside takes a handoff to midfield for a first down. The Magic Man can't find his rabbit with an overthrow of Kemp, but he successfully saws the Cowboys defense in half on the next play with a lob to Kemp for a 51-yard touchdown connection.

Green Bay leads 17-14

Inspired by his team's last drive, Chris Jacke finally gets his kick past the Dallas 30-yard line, where Dixon is eventually stopped anyway. Aikman goes to the air on the first play from scrimmage, hitting Michael Irvin between the middle hashmarks for 13 yards. Jerry Holmes sacks Aikman on the next play, making Agee's ensuing bootleg run a bit questionable until he gets the ball to within inches of another Dallas first down. They go with the Agee run around the left again, and just when the Cowboys looked to be choking away their lead on Colby cheddar, Agee breaks a tackle behind the line and tacks on 13 more yards. Smith steals his thunder and perhaps his father's love on the next play, however, with a 30-yard burst up the middle to the Green Bay 4-yard line. In spite of this success, Dallas goes to the air on the next two plays, and although they try to involve Smith both times, he can't haul in the Aikman lobs and it's 3rd-and-goal from the 5-yard line. Smith goes around the right end, but the human wood-chipper named Bob Nelson is there to swallow him up, leaving nothing but a cloud of navy and gray molecules. Ken Willis is on for the chip shot and Dallas ties it up.

Score tied 17-17

After a considerably poor return by Wilson, Green Bay starts at their own 16-yard line. Majkowski scrambles into the fourth quarter with a 12-yard run.

Ed West, followed by Majkowski's magical floating football

Quarter Four
The Haddix draw play somehow nets the Packers 21 total yards into Dallas territory, wiping away nearly a minute, along with the smiles of any connoisseurs of defensive prowess. Majkowski hits Kemp for a 35-yard gain, and then Ed West in double-coverage for a touchdown, using up less than half the time it took Haddix to get back to the sideline.

Green Bay leads 24-17

Knowing that his team needs a touchdown just to tie with only 3:24 remaining, Dixon helps his team out with a return to the Dallas 46-yard line. Jimmy Johnson breaks out the cerebral coaching tactics he's so well-known for by using Smith to run down the clock, and then is taken over by his inner flashy offense demons when he calls for a deep pass to Kelvin Martin for a 48-yard catch-and-run touchdown to tie it up with two and a half minutes remaining.

Score tied 24-24

Misplacing a page from the James Dixon book of kick returning, Wilson only gets the ball to the Green Bay 18-yard line with 2:11 remaining for a final win-sealing score. After Woodside takes the ball for a short gain, Majkowski almost tosses the game away when his pass to West is nearly intercepted. With 3rd-and-5 staring at him in the face, Don goes to his favorite Sharpe, who pulls in a nearly impossible reception and streaks down to the Dallas 23-yard line. Needing just to run down the clock and put Jacke out on the field, Green Bay opts for a Sharpe reverse. Coach Johnson's got his Brainiac cap on, however, and decides to let Sharpe score on the reverse to put the ball back in his team's hands. Unfortunately for Dallas, the Sharpe play is designed to take off at least 45 seconds, and when Dallas gets the ball back they only have 30 seconds left and lots of Monterey Jack-covered egg to wipe off their faces.

Green Bay leads 31-24

Purely for football card stats only

Jacke puts everything into his next kick, apparently saving it all for this one, but Dixon carries it out of the back of the end zone anyway. Needing one of his patented exciting returns, Dixon can only get to the 7-yard line. With 14 seconds left, Dallas goes to the popular Last Play in Tecmo playbook and hands the ball and hopes for a win to Agee. And in true Tecmo fashion, he takes it for a 9-yard gain that still falls 55 yards short of spur-kicking, pistol-shooting glory.

Final: Packers 31, Cowboys 24

Fans of the Packers have to be happy with what they saw out of their quarterback and his favorite target, as they connected 5 times, twice for a touchdown. Majkowski leads the league with 18 touchdowns, 3 more than Jim Everett, and the Packers are hot on the heels of Minnesota and Chicago in the NFC Central leading into Week Seven. The NFC East gets a little messier here with Dallas' loss, and despite the Cowboys' efficient run game there is much to be desired by their offense. They fall into a tie with New York, looking up at Philadelphia, Washington and perhaps the roofs of their own coffins. Troy Aikman threw two early picks, but Dallas stayed close with Green Bay, even leading at the half. It sort of makes you wonder where they may have finished had the picks been touchdowns, but then again that sort of wondering might get you thinking about how much longer you have until you see your wife in bed with Babe Laufenberg.

Week Six: Hunker Down

It seems that much has changed since we started this thing, but there's a long road still ahead. Some teams have come to find this out already, while others are using it to their advantage and building up some steady comebacks to get back into the thick of the hunt. It's usually at this point of the season where the favorites start sticking their necks out, but up until now only a few of those teams are still in that same position and even those teams don't exude confidence. There's no point in being flashy any longer, as the only goal should be to hunker down and win. And while that plan isn't always so easy, it remains good news for the 49ers, whose bye week assures them that they'll stay out of the loss column for the first time in four weeks.

1:00 Games

Buffalo (3-2) at Kansas City (2-3)

The Chiefs returned to an Okoye-heavy offense, as he took 9 rushes for 80 yards and a score. Buffalo answered with a Thurman-heavy offense, however, as he took the ball for 106 yards and scored a touchdown in the 4th quarter to go ahead for good. Buffalo may have won, but their stats didn't tell the story of a dominant team. Fortunately for them, dominance won't be a requirement to beat the Colts next week; keeping Jeff George in the game, however, will be.

Final Score: Bills 17, Chiefs 13

Indianapolis (2-3) at Pittsburgh (1-3)

For those of you who enjoy segues, Indianapolis and Jeff George played down to their abilities here, with only 76 passing yards and 4 interceptions. Bubby Brister didn't have to be spectacular, but his 250 yards and no picks did give Steelers fans hopes that their season may not be a bust quite yet. On that same token, the Colts did win two games to start the season, but you'd have to be a fool or Clarence Verdin to think they'd continue that streak.

Final Score: Steelers 27, Colts 14

Miami (3-2) at New England (1-4)

The Dolphins needed a win here to pull in line with Buffalo, but apparently they thought they needed two as they drubbed the hapless Patriots with 52 points. Perhaps inspired by the return of Mark Clayton, Miami and Dan Marino put up 337 passing yards and 19 first downs. Steve Grogan, on the other hand, put his resume up on Monster.com after throwing 3 picks and barely cracking 100 yards passing. The Dolphins are showing the confidence and poise that the Bills are lacking now, which is saying a lot for a bunch of pixelated computer icons.

Final Score: Dolphins 52, Patriots 7

Detroit (1-4) at Minnesota (4-1)

In this highly touted NFC Central showdown, the Lions took Minnesota to the wire looking for their second win. Rodney Peete passed for a modest 184 yards but tossed up two touchdowns to one interception, while Barry Sanders ran around the field for 95 yards. Unfortunately for them, they're the Lions, and even more unfortunate is the fact that the Vikings have been on the lucky end of some questionable scores. They take the NFC Central lead for the time being here, and nobody is more surprised than coach Jerry Burns and Herschel Walker's agent.

Final Score: Vikings 17, Lions 14

Cincinnati (2-2) at Seattle (4-1)

Boomer Esiason weaved together a tale filled with such precise detail and inveterate quality that even the most critical of literary scholars had to take a step back and acknowledge his ability to tell a story with the sort of grace and stylistic perfection that only he is capable of, with his 90% completion rate and 265 yards to no interceptions. Unfortunately for those who follow him on Twitter, this type of lyrical accomplishment is nowhere to be found in his actual writing abilities.

Final Score: Bengals 30, Seahawks 10

Houston (4-0) at Denver (3-2)

The Oilers came off their bye with their undefeated streak in tow, but immediately ran into a white-hot Denver team that pulled within a half-game of first place in a tight win at home. As predicted, Warren Moon and John Elway played very similar games, but it was the defense of Denver that made the difference in this game, only allowing Lorenzo White to rush for 20 yds. David Treadwell also made a difference with his three field goals (including the game-winner), but we've been told by his mother that she's the only one allowed to heap praise upon her baby boy.

Final Score: Broncos 16, Oilers 14

New York Giants (2-3) at Phoenix (1-4)

The Giants marched into the desert of Phoenix with a shot at getting back to .500 after an 0-3 start, and just barely clutched the win from the jaws of defeat with a blocked Al Del Greco extra point. Johnny Johnson ran wild again for around 100 yards while Timm Rosenbach outplayed Phil Simms with 190 yards passing and a few scores. Needless to say, Del Greco was in need of a new wardrobe after discovering a few presents in his locker after the game.

Final Score: Giants 28, Cardinals 27

4:00 Games

L.A. Raiders (2-3) at San Diego (4-1)

It may be said that San Diego's cause never had a chance, when Marion Butts went out in the first quarter and still finished with the team lead in rushing yards. L.A. somehow finds themselves back in the race after a big day from Jay Schroeder, who tossed an unfathomable 83% completion rate. The Raiders showed their power on the ground as well with a combined 122 yards rushing from their two-headed demon, and suddenly the 'Black Hole' is no longer being used as a reference to the Raiders' postseason chances at this time each year.

Final Score: Raiders 31, Chargers 13

New York Jets (1-4) at Cleveland (2-2)

The Jets are quietly having a horrible season, and the Browns smartly took advantage of that here with a convincing win at home. QB Browns kept Mike Pagel's pager quiet with 264 passing yards and no picks, while Webster Slaughter's 122 receiving yards killed the Jets' chances at making any headway in their incredibly difficult division. Ken O.Brien has to be hoping that their futility remains to go unnoticed, but his 69 yards passing to 3 interceptions speaks about as loudly as the Jets' namesake over old Shea stadium.

Final Score: Browns 34, Jets 14

Philadelphia (4-1) at Tampa Bay (2-3)

The Eagles had a chance to stay tied with Minnesota among the league's best records with what seemed like a walk-through here, but Tampa Bay put up 14 points in the fourth quarter to pull it out and continue to be the league's nagging pests. Nobody is more upset than Keith Byars, who could have walked away a winner despite his team-leading 39 rushing yards. With the loss, however, the disappearance of QB Eagles in the rushing game once again becomes a factor to be discussed ad nauseum on Sportscenter.

Final Score: Buccaneers 21, Eagles 17

Washington (3-2) at Chicago (4-1)

Despite being up against a Redskins' defense that was ranked 26th against the run, Chicago couldn't score a touchdown. Neal Anderson was either abducted by aliens or missed his cab, as Jim Harbaugh led the team in rushing with just one 23-yard sprint. Mark Rypien kept his non-interception-less streak going with another pick here, and while this saddens us to no end, it appears the rest of Washington is content with his otherwise effective play as he led his team to victory and a share in the NFC East lead.

Final Score: Redskins 20, Bears 6

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Tomorrow night we return to Green Bay for their second featured game of the season. Before you accuse us of small-town midwestern bias, please be assured that this was the only scenario that would allow us to feature a new team while also not subjecting you to a coma-inducing meaningless mid-season contest (not to point any fingers, Freeman McNiel). Dallas watched both Philadelphia lose and Washington win, and with the Giants hot on their tails need a win here to pull into a three-way tie. While we don't think that Troy Aikman is necessarily scared of Don Majkowski and his hair-preference, we do think that Bob Nelson provides him with enough nightmares that not only must he sleep with a nightlight, but also with a den of trained Dobermans circling his bed.

Looking Ahead: Week Six

As much as we try to fight it, the leaves keep falling and the temperature keeps dropping. And meanwhile, The Tecmo Bowl season just keeps trucking right along, not stopping even for Al Toon to recover from his sixteenth concussion. We at The Tecmo Bowl have sat through a lot of simulated seasons, but this one is up there as far as exciting storylines and jaw-dropping upsets go. How lucky are you all that we ended up covering this season out of the bajillion combinations the all-knowing Tecmo computer could have picked? Anyway, enough patting our shoulders -- it's time to put on our analyzing glasses and commentating mouthpiece, and break down this week's match-ups.

Sunday afternoon won't start slow with the first group of games. First, there's a tough game at home for Kansas City against the Bills, who seem to be just on the cusp of kicking into high gear. As we saw last Monday Tuesday, the Chiefs are headed into a downward spiral, and will need to somehow pull it out against Buffalo if they want to save their playoff chances. Also in the AFC East, Miami will try to stay ahead of the pack while in New England, in a game where they can't trip up (although Marc Logan inevitably will), while Indianapolis heads to a tough environment in Pittsburgh in hopes to get back in the win column against Bubby Brister's 3 TD/6 INT ratio.

Still the only grown man that gets away with being 'Bubby'

Houston is back from a bye week, and they immediately fly into Denver with a chance to continue their streak as the last undefeated team in the NFL. The Broncos return home from a tough loss in Minnesota and behind one game in the AFC West, but you'd have to be a fool to think that John Elway would let his team sulk rather than take down a contender en route to their fourth win. Warren Moon may be leading Elway in all relevant quarterback categories (11 TDs, 1100 yards passing, 176% passer rating), but they each have one rushing touchdown. And if you consider the fact that the Moon sneak works nearly 99% more times than any Elway scramble play, then I don't think it's a mystery which play-caller really is superior.

NFL leading rushers or Midwestern farmers?

After running all over the Patriots and ending up somewhere in Utah, Johnny Johnson and the Phoenix Cardinals welcome the thawing New York Giants in an NFC East match-up that's really going to be a turning point in New York's season. The Cardinals may not have the guts or the gall to make a run to the playoffs at this point, but you'd better believe their mouths are watering at the chance to pull the Giants deeper into the muck of the league's worst teams. New York is on the verge of getting back to .500, and depending on what happens around the league, could start making some noise. We just hope that noise isn't Phil Simms' sleep-inducing broadcast voice.

The late afternoon games won't let up, but of course did you expect them to? The Los Angeles Raiders are riding hot and riding dirty after two convincing wins. Unfortunately for them, they're out of the NFC West and back in their own division, this time up against San Diego. The Chargers knocked Kansas City down another peg to pull within a first-place tie of Seattle, but you'd have to believe their challenge this week will be a bit harder, with the Bo Jackson/Marcus Allen tandem presenting a few more problems than the previous week's Okoye/Word debacle. San Diego has played cool, calm and collected as of late, but if there's anyone capable of having something blow up in his face, it's B.J. Tolliver.

Sunday concludes with an intriguing NFC showdown between Washington and Chicago, two teams trying to keep their momentum going in their respective divisions. The Redskins have been losing some steam as of late, however, and with Mark Rypien finally throwing his first picks of the season there's really not much left going for Washington. They've lost two in a row, while the Bears have rolled out three wins in succession on the back of league-leader in rushing, Neal Anderson, who's got what analysts call a 'favorable match-up' this week. We picked one team to win their division, and the other to lose out on the playoffs altogether, and if you need a hint you needn't look further than who has the edge in the very important 'Cap Boso Factor'. 

Monday night apparently won't be rung in by Hank Williams, but we'll still see some good ol' boys from Texas when Dallas heads north to Green Bay to shake some cobwebs and start a run for a playoff spot. Before the season, we envisioned the Packers edging Dallas out for a playoff spot, and while we continue to stick to our proverbial guns, we still see this as an exciting match-up and a chance for both teams to start drawing attention. Both teams bring identical records to the table (3-2) and thus a pretty similar ranking in offense and defense. However, the Magic Man himself, Don Majkowski, has been slightly better on the field and in blonde mullet-growing than Troy Aikman, and so we're thinking that the Packers fare better in their second featured game at home--unless Mike Saxon's leg has anything to say about it.

Here it is: The first (and probably last) Tecmo punter profile on the 'Net!

My, how our little standings charts have grown!

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AFC

NFC

 

 

Byes: Atlanta Falcons, Los Angeles Rams, New Orleans Saints, San Francisco 49ers