Looking Ahead: Week Seventeen

Strike up the band, we're headed into the final regular season of Tecmo Bowl. Seventeen weeks ago, we were advised to avoid this nonsense for another year. Instead, we forged through to another successful season of broken bones and, after this week, broken hearts. The AFC has their three kings on their thrones, though the wild card has five teams all jammed in the neck of the bottle jockeying for position. The NFC, meanwhile, has seven teams fighting for six spots, though the positioning of those six is anyone's guess. They say when there's no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth. Let's hope Browning Nagle stays buried when the seeds are finally locked up in the hell of the NFL postseason.

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AFC East
Not only has Miami cinched up an AFC East title, they also sealed the deal on home field throughout the playoffs with last week's win. Meanwhile, it's been six weeks since the Bills lost a game, a surge good enough to give them a wild card berth. For the Jets, however, those past six games haven't been kind, as they went from a divisional contender to the AFC runt fighting to suckle at the teat of destiny.


New York either clinches a wild card with a win, or is eliminated with a loss. While their tie game against the Dolphins seemed certain to cloud things at the end, it now serves as a final ultimatum to Gang Green.

AFC Central
While the rest of their division played patty-cake all season, the Houston Oilers once again bubbled to the top to lay claim to the AFC Central. It wasn't always pretty, but then again with Warren Moon in charge it's not always about the looks. Cincinnati fell from grace after a promising 3-0 start to begin their campaign at a second straight postseason before going 3-9 the final 12 games. That leaves Pittsburgh and Cleveland, two old, ironclad AFC bastards still kicking out the vitals.

Playing each other with identical records, Cleveland and Pittsburgh are either in with wins, or their loss to the other means they're looking for a New York and Los Angeles loss to stay alive.

AFC West
San Diego wrapped up the West just in time to self-destruct over their last four games, losing twice to their divisional foes in Los Angeles along with a mind-rattling loss to lowly Phoenix. In line for a first-week bye, the Chargers will now need to cross their fingers for a Houston loss or a better differential. Though the rest of the AFC West resembled a graveyard this season, the Raiders have used their two late-season defeats of San Diego to get back in a competitive stance in Week 17.

Los Angeles can suit up with a win along with help from New Orleans against New York and a better differential against the loser of Cleveland/Pittsburgh.



NFC East
The Eagles were our preseason pick to take the division, and they're in good shape with a game against the floundering Giants on the schedule. However, though Philadelphia was the sexy pick, Dallas was our tight-lipped choice for the Tecmo Bowl, though their route is a bit trickier against another playoff contender in Chicago. Washington can't repeat after their Monday night loss, perhaps giving them that all-too-useless title of best team to miss out on the party.

Philadelphia is already in, and can win it all with another victory. Dallas is in the party with a win, and can take the division should Philadelphia falter.

NFC Central
Minnesota isn't the same team we saw in the Conference Championship last year, though they have an unbelievable chance to repeat with a very palatable point differential against Chicago should they both finish the way they've ran all season, neck and neck. The Vikings also win the match-up draw, getting the last-place Packers against the Bears' opponent in Dallas to conclude the season. It's really Minnesota's division to hand over, though Rich Gannon is the last person we'd trust with a silver platter.

It's pretty basic between Minnesota and Chicago, though the Vikings obviously own the tiebreaker. Either way, they're both in with a win or a San Francisco loss.

NFC West
The NFC West was a wild cluster all season long. San Francisco has found themselves on the wrong end of some distance, however, as a result of their 1-4 record over the last 5 games. They're the odd man out in the wild card race, having already been eliminated from a division that Atlanta seems to finally have a chokehold on.

Atlanta is in, and can take the division with a win. New Orleans is in with a victory, and can take the division with their sizable point differential should Atlanta lose. San Francisco needs the most help, with a win and a loss from any of the contending teams ahead of them to attempt to break a tie.


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Our featured games have seen their final days, though that doesn't mean we won't have a prying eye on some of the more curious contests this week. Though there are four spots locked up in the AFC West, there's still a lot to play for in terms of bye weeks and the final two wild cards. The NFC has three divisions with two teams each still battling for the right to having future thrift-store t-shirts printed, along with seeds 4-6 still up for grabs. Here be your list of pivotal games with additional content in Week 17:

New Orleans (10-5) at New York Jets (7-7-1)
Pittsburgh (8-7) at Cleveland (8-7)
Dallas (10-5) at Chicago (8-5)

And for the Denver fan in us all, we went back in time to visit John Elway and let him know the final results of his 1992 season. We'd share his reaction, but felt this photo really told the whole story.

 

See you on Sunday!

Week Eight: A Pleasant Sunday Afternoon

There's been a lot of excitement going on around the expanded universe of Tecmo. In this alternate dimension, sports networks focus their documentaries on following the exploits of a niche group of Tecmo cultists in the cold, barren northwoods of Madison, Wisconsin rather than the actual superhuman exploits of athletes, and for that we couldn't be more pleased (though we did see a nice blend of the two when Christian Okoye, the Nigerian Nightmare himself, played against...himself...in a contest of Tecmo). In the midst of this magical week, the men and women here at The Tecmo Bowl suffered a bit of oversight and didn't get our weekly 'Looking Ahead' feature done for the second time this year. To make up for this egregious error, we would like to offer up this candid photograph of sack-leader Anthony Pleasant to you, our congregation, for your faithful following so far this year. Now to the games!

1:00 Games

Philadelphia (4-2) * Phoenix (0-6)

It's an NFC East rematch between these two, with a chance for the Cardinals to complete a big upset for their first win of the season. Unfortunately, these nomads from the desert must continue in their search for the elusive victory, as the Eagles shut the door early on another important divisional victory to keep the lead. Randall Cunningham nearly struggled to outplay Chris Chandler, with the two throwing for a combined 418 yards and 4 interceptions (2 each). Uncharacteristically for a team with a bird mascot, it was the Eagles' ground game that sealed the win, with Herschel Walker and Cunningham combining for 171 rushing yards on just 9 attempts.

Final Score: Eagles 28, Cardinals 6

Chicago (3-3) * Green Bay (2-4)

With another unnamed team in the NFC Central riding a bullet, it's now a battle for bragging rights deep in the middle of the division. The Packers are skidding horribly behind their rookie quarterback, Brett Favre, who once again struggled for control. He completed 83% of his passes for a promising 324 yards, though apparently the other 17% of his throws were to Bears defenders, as they picked him off 3 times to seal the win in their comeback march. With Brad Muster returning, the Bob Christian Express takes a backseat; though we think the Bears have found a way to keep from derailing for now.

Final Score: Bears 33, Packers 28

Washington (2-4) * Minnesota (6-0)

It's a rematch of last year's NFC Championship game, though in this contest it appears only one team has a real shot of returning. The Redskins still get Minnesota's number, however, shutting Rich Gannon down to just 66 yards passing with a pick. Mark Rypien was stoically efficient, completing about half of his passes for 152 yards and no turnovers, while Earnest Byner and Terry Allen competed for yards on the ground, 87 yards to Allen's 95. With the score suggesting this game could've gone either way, we think there was a Roger Craig de-pantsing somewhere near the end zone as time ran out.

Final Score: Redskins 21, Vikings 14

New York Giants (2-4) * Seattle (2-5)

Two 2-win teams that were in the playoffs last year compete in this meaningless mid-season battle, with the Giants coming out on top behind the rise of Jarrod Bunch and his 98 rushing yards. Seattle's momentum comes to a screeching halt when someone apparently pinched Stan Gelbaugh awake long enough to throw just 133 yards with 2 interceptions. Unfortunately for Seattle, a sleeping Gelbaugh may have played better than Jeff 'the Walking Dead' Hostetler, whose 94 passing yards with a pick put this win on the backs of his defense, a horde of running zombies who have a particular taste for Chris Warren's brains.

Final Score: Giants 27, Seahawks 13

Detroit (1-5) * Tampa Bay (3-3)

A week after their disappointing loss to Chicago, the Buccaneers have a chance to get back on the wagon by playing yet another inferior opponent in the Lions. It's a return game for Detroit, who have a chance to get just their second win while also driving a stinger deep into Tampa Bay's playoff hopes. The Bucs' defense held strong, however, walling up Barry Sanders and crushing Rodney Peete, who had no options all day. Vinny Testaverde threw just 177 yards, 144 of those to Lawrence Dawsey, though we still think the Vinny mask will be the most popular come Wednesday evening.

Final Score: Buccaneers 19, Lions 3

Pittsburgh (2-4) * Kansas City (2-5)

Don't look now, but the Steelers still have a chance to save their season when they take on the underwhelming Chiefs out of Kansas City. Each of Dave Krieg's completed passes were to his own receivers, but K.C.'s porous defense couldn't keep from blowing the game in the final seconds. Pittsburgh leans heavily on Barry Foster once again, giving him 168 yards on the ground combined with a 52-yard pass to put him over 200 on the day, and the formula that new coach Bill Cowher has been looking for was right beneath his nose the whole time. Nobody wants to play against a mustache that mean.

Final Score: Steelers 27, Chiefs 20

Indianapolis (2-4) * Miami (4-2)

With a chance to right the ship and shake up the waters in the AFC East, the Colts collide head-first with the rising Dolphins of Miami. And once again, the 'Phins coast behind Dan Marino and his 275 passing yards, with 140 of those going to Philadelphia cast-out tight end Keith Jackson. First overall pick Jeff George is still enjoying his vacation in the land of mediocrity, lobbing up a lazy 158 yards for just a 40% completion rating, simply unable to keep up with the explosive offense out of South Beach. The Colts lose their fifth in a row, and at this rate they'll be lucky if the commissioner lets them play five more.

Final Score: Dolphins 28, Colts 20

4:00 Games

Buffalo (3-3) * New York Jets (4-2)

In what is likely the game of their season, the Jets look for a mid-season upset of Buffalo to keep pace. And with Browning Nagle at the helm, who could doubt this Gang Green squad? Keeping his composure in the second half, Nagle and his Jets scored 17 unanswered points to edge out the defending division champion Bills. Once again, Jim Kelly and Thurman Thomas collapsed in the final quarter and a half, with Kelly only connecting for 116 yards and Thomas able to find 50 on the ground in 10 attempts. This may be the season where we see which way the toilets flush in Buffalo.

Final Score: Jets 24, Bills 21

Houston (4-2) * Cincinnati (3-3)

These two AFC Central participants collide for the second time in three games, with the Bengals desperately needing a win to end their 3-game skid. The Oilers didn't let up, however, with Lorenzo White eating up a struggling Bengals' rush defense for 55 yards on just 4 attempts. The Bengals attempted to play catch-up through the air, with Boomer Esiason finding rookie Carl Pickens on 5 connections for 162 yards. Unfortunately for Boomer, two of his passes found the hands of Oilers' defenders, which may have told the story of Houston's victory, also one of the best stories to read for insomniacs.

Final Score: Oilers 34, Bengals 24

San Diego (5-1) * Denver (2-5)

After a humbling 0-4 start, the Broncos secured two impressive victories before sacrificing John Elway to lose again last week. This week, the stables unleashed Elway back into the field to launch the ball for 265 yards and a late score to beat the coasting Chargers. Stan Humphries nearly matched Elway pass-for-pass, both completing 52% with Humphries throwing 249 yards of his own. The Chargers' also out-ran the Broncos, but whenever you carry the ball there's always a chance for a game-changing turnover. Which is why Denver perhaps chose to run the ball just 3 times for a total of 0 yards.

Final Score: Broncos 24, Chargers 21

Cleveland (3-3) * New England (1-5)

The Browns have won three games in a row, but they'll be the last to let anyone point that out for fear of jinxing their luck. Fortunately, for another week at least, that luck will continue with drawing New England as their next opponent. Kevin Mack assisted in the heroics of Mike Tomczak, bringing in 91 yards receiving before going out with an injury, while Eric Metcalf led the ground force with 101 yards. Alongside the anomaly of their offensive output, the Cleveland 'D' continued to thrive by picking Hugh Millen twice and forgetting to lock Anthony Pleasant's cage door.

Final Score: Browns 35, Patriots 17

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It's Halloween Week at The Tecmo Bowl, and what can be scarier than a winning Raiders team on the national stage? This means fans with spikes coming out of their lips, fans with skulls emerging from their chests, and Jay Schroeder with some confidence. Emmitt Smith and Eric Dickerson are two of the league's best rushers, with quarterbacks Troy Aikman and Schroeder emerging from the muck of last year to become two of the league's better captains. The Cowboys have to be shaking a bit in their cleats with this match-up coming along at the worst part of the season as they try to keep up with the Eagles in the NFC East. As long as they can avoid a hungry Raiders' defense, fans wielding axes, and NWA mistaking them for cops, Dallas should have a decent shot at getting back in the win column.

Monday Night Football: Washington vs. Denver

Like a fine aged cheese, John Elway stinks the longer you leave him out. So far, the captain of the Broncos has led his team to one win in five tries, not something any true blue Orange Crush fan club member can be happy with. Denver appears to have turned it around last week with Elway's first non-interception game against a hapless Chiefs team. Nonetheless, a win is a win, and they're hoping the momentum carries over to a tough encounter with the Washington Redskins on Monday Night Football. The Redskins are coming in hot off a win themselves, beating on the lowly Cardinals after slumping for two games. Tonight will feature two quarterbacks looking for relevance again, one a weathered and worn soul named Mark Rypien, and the other being the suave and stylish John Elway. And though we like to poke fun at Rypien's immobility compared to Elway's runaway-train type speed, he at least has the composure not to look his age while posing in a pair of chest-high gym shorts. Let's head out to the field, shall we?

Quarter One
The able-bodied Brian Mitchell finds a home at the Washington 43-yard line to start out the game. From there, the Broncos defense, usually a remarkable example of ineptitude, washes over the Redskins' offensive line to form a nice Earnest Byner schmeer. Washington runs the popular yet unorthodox Byner-fumble-to-Gary-Clark play that nets the usual 49 yards to the Denver 13-yard line. Two plays later and only 4 yards the wiser, Rypien drops back and chucks it over to the 2-yard line where former first-round pick Dennis Smith is waiting in the wings for an interception.

The Broncos get a bit cute on their first play with a Mark Jackson reverse that is almost wiped out by a safety. At the 1-yard line and facing a long field, Reggie Rivers runs up the middle for an important 2 yard gain. On 3rd-and-9, Rivers finds himself dangling at the edge of danger when he's taken down back at the 1-yard line. Mike Horan is out to kick a ball.

Mark Rypien is reminded of what he was trying to do on the last drive, and lines a streaker into the waiting arms of Gary Clark along the sidelines for a quick score.

Washington leads 7-0
 
The Arthur Marshall fan club's favorite person returns a kick to the Denver 32-yard line to start of the next Broncos drive. The almighty Gaston Green picks up nearly 7 whole yards around the right side, but his football playing encounter is short-lived when the Reggie Rivers show picks back up. Two straight plays lead to a net of 0 yards, though one of them was a 4-yard first down run. Despite the amount of learning being done at this rushing clinic, John Elway takes charge on the next play and scampers all the way to the Washington 16-yard line to close out the first quarter of play.

Quarter Two
Elway runs another 10 yards like a teenage boy when his girlfriend's parents get home early, but the 4-yard Jackson reverse for a touchdown is what finally gets Coach Gibbs to pull out the shotgun.

Score tied 7-7

The Redskins begin their next drive at the 26-yard line, but the acquaintance is short-lived when Jeff Mills back-body-drops Rypien to the 16. On the next play, with all receivers open and shooting off signal flares, Rypien heaves up a pass that is blocked at the line of scrimmage. Mike Croel brings the drive to a sudden and sympathetic close with another bone-crushing sack of the stone-shoed Rypied.

After Marshall's punt return puts them at their own 43, Gaston Green is given the ball. He chalks up another successful positive-yardage run to the Washington 45. Two plays later, Elway mistakenly throws a pass to one of his own receivers, and Shannon Sharpe does his job in making the 45-yard catch-and-run look easy.

Denver leads 14-7

With the clock ticking at their own 29-yard line, the pride and joy of Abilene, Texas, Terry Orr, picks up a hefty 22 yards with a catch in the flat. Under a minute left, Byner is handed the ball and forgets to fumble it 19 yards later. Ricky Sanders is the target of Rypien's next pass, but when he's brought down at the Denver 8-yard line with just 10 seconds left, the Chip Lohmiller crew is sent out to clean up the mess.

Denver leads 14-10

Halftime: Broncos 14, Redskins 10

Quarter Three
When Marshall fumbles the opening kickoff, Keith Kartz seizes the opportunity to show off his cool maximum speed rating by hustling it out to the 29-yard line. A perfectly-timed Jackson reverse racks up another 13 yards, followed up by a stellar 15-yard jaunt from Gaston Green. Rivers tries to sneak back into the party, but the Redskins' hold him up for just 4 yards. Elway comes out in shotgun formation, but takes the smarter route by zig-zagging through the tripped up Redskins' defense for 23 of the 24 yards needed to score. Rivers picks up the touchdown two plays later as a reward for his hard work, though he was quoted after the game stating he'd have settled for a cookie or gold star on his locker.

Denver leads 21-10

Mitchell is on the receiving end of a booming David Treadwell kick in the end zone, and can only find his way out to the 7-yard line. The following are the Cliffs Notes version of the drive: Earnest Byner runs three times for 4 yards. Punt.

Marshall is burned good on the Goodburn punt at his own 42-yard line, where the Redskins defense digs in their heels to shut down the Broncos on the last two plays leading into the fourth quarter.

Quarter Four
Rivers comes out for an encore performance, but his famous 5-yard run isn't quite enough for the first down and Horan is out to punt the ball into the womb of a virginal Pamela Tebow.

Rypien goes to Clark on the first play from scrimmage, picking up a quick 26 yards. The follow-up passes to Sanders and Clark are smartly batted away by the wisened up Broncos' secondary, leading to a 3rd down play that sees Rypien get attacked by the Jeff Mills tickle-monster. Clark comes through on 4th-and-20, however, with a catch at the Denver 27-yard line that livens up the crowd. Popular John Muir High School alum Ricky Ervins can't drag down a Rypien pass in the end zone, and the next two plays are throwaways in the face of a riled up Denver blitz. On 4th-and-10, Rypien picks his poison with Sanders, and is nearly  picked again by Dennis "Swanson" Smith.

Denver, seeing about a minute left on the clock, decides it's now or never for another Jackson reverse. On second down after a loss of one, Elway drops back but finds Andre Collins trying to impregnate him just a few short seconds later. On third down and with just seconds left to go, Elway is once again honored by the presence of Collins when he refuses to kneel and is rewarded for his insolence by having his spine ripped out from his brain to end the game on a somewhat bittersweet note.

Final: Broncos 21, Redskins 10



As predicted, it was a pretty underwhelming performance from both teams, with Denver winning due to being the only team to remember to come back out of the locker room after halftime. Elway was less-than-effective through the air, connecting on only 25% of his passes, but his ground game led a team of underachievers, promoting shades of a 2012 offensive scheme twenty years too early. Rypien was hardly any better with his arm, but his inability to make up for his own rushing corps' woes left his team in a pile of Denver dust. The Broncos leave with the all-important second win to continue their winning roll, though it came at the cost of Elway's bones littering the field as the final seconds of the clock ticked away. It'll be a short week for the buckin' Broncos of Denver, which means future XFL MVP Tommy Maddox might want to start warming up a day early if he's to be in shape for any Million Dollar Championships.

Looking Ahead: Week Six

Week Six: aka The NFC West Side Story. A combined record of 15-5 coming into the sixth week, with three of those losses attributed to the Rams of Los Angeles, this division has clearly taken notice of the rest of the Tecmo Bowl. San Francisco remains one of only two undefeated teams, with the other, Minnesota, being off this week with the rest of their division. New Orleans and Atlanta have each only lost once, leaving the Rams to struggle to stay afloat. With all four teams in action this weekend, there are sure to be a few bloody casualties left in their wake, though perhaps they've raised some eyebrows and neck hairs around the league amongst teams ready to make a statement. As we mentioned, the NFC Central is off (joined by the 4-1 Chargers) so that should leave those of you salivating for bloody massacre pitching the proverbial Tecmo tent.

The first two games feature three of the four teams out of the Wild Wild West of the NFC. Bobby Hebert will more than likely have his choice of sides when he makes a buffet of the Rams' secondary, while Steve Young and his 49ers should manage to stay one step ahead of the pesky Saints by putting New England through their Frisco burger meat grinder. Back in the AFC, Eric Dickerson's Jekyll will continue to battle the ugly beast that is Jay Schroeder's Hyde as the bipolar Raiders attempt to take advantage of the immensely flawed Buffalo Bills.

The other early games will feature the Cleveland Browns and Pittsburgh Steelers returning to action from their bye. Both sit at 1-3, but we really only give one of these teams a chance at turning their season around. If the Steelers can't do it here, with their stout defense and weapons in Barry Foster and Neil O'Donnell, then it may just be time to put a bullet in their head. Philadelphia picks a decent-sized straw with the Kansas City Chiefs on the docket, giving them a chance to hit restart on their thus-far disappointing season.

The early games are rounded off by a somewhat intriguing AFC East showdown between the Colts and Jets. Both are headed in quite opposite directions, with the Colts' time running out to get back into the winner's circle. And as luck would have it, they'll meet their irritating siblings in the New York Jets. The Jets enter Week Six leading the league in rushing offense with the ever-popular Brad Baxter and Blair Thomas tandem hitching the rest of the team, including rookie quarterback Browning Nagle, to their star to try and keep pace with the Dolphins and Bills. Baxter himself ranks behind only Eric Dickerson and Thurman Thomas in yardage. Though it's hard to see him keep that pace, it's always nice hear someone named 'Brad' doing something positive, instead of hitting on underage girls or starring in Canadian soap operas.

The later games begin with a slobberknocker between two playoff-destined teams in Miami and Atlanta. Both teams only have one loss each, but at this point in the season it appears the Falcons will need to be the ones to keep it that way. Dan Marino appears to be losing his touch, and now that he's up against a pretty dominating defensive front there's a good chance he'll lose feeling in other places as well. The Giants will continue to lay some bricks in the hole they're sitting in against the winless Cardinals, even though Dallas will be busy making widows out of the wives of an equally winless Seattle team. Sunday night closes with division-leading Cincinnati attempting to hold on to their crown against a surging Oilers team out of Houston. The Bengals have a very heavy task of flipping the momentum that Houston has found, just as their own was turned around before the bye with a thumping on behalf of Minnesota.

The short schedule will close out on Monday night with an inter-conference showdown between Washington and Denver. It's yet another meeting of playoff teams from a year ago struggling to repeat their success. The worn down Mark Rypien has had all sorts of trouble finding the receivers his coaches and GM have presented to him, though he's been a paragon of talent compared to the downright ugly John Elway. Elway finally helped his Broncos get their first win just last week, though there's still lots of work to do on the other side of the ball. The last place defense of Denver may just be what the doctor ordered for the 27th-ranked Washington offense, though with a match-up that ugly it won't be surprising if doctor's office visits don't rise through Tuesday morning.

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AFC 

NFC

Byes: San Diego Chargers, Minnesota Vikings, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Green Bay Packers, Chicago Bears, Detroit Lions

Looking Ahead: Week Six

As much as we try to fight it, the leaves keep falling and the temperature keeps dropping. And meanwhile, The Tecmo Bowl season just keeps trucking right along, not stopping even for Al Toon to recover from his sixteenth concussion. We at The Tecmo Bowl have sat through a lot of simulated seasons, but this one is up there as far as exciting storylines and jaw-dropping upsets go. How lucky are you all that we ended up covering this season out of the bajillion combinations the all-knowing Tecmo computer could have picked? Anyway, enough patting our shoulders -- it's time to put on our analyzing glasses and commentating mouthpiece, and break down this week's match-ups.

Sunday afternoon won't start slow with the first group of games. First, there's a tough game at home for Kansas City against the Bills, who seem to be just on the cusp of kicking into high gear. As we saw last Monday Tuesday, the Chiefs are headed into a downward spiral, and will need to somehow pull it out against Buffalo if they want to save their playoff chances. Also in the AFC East, Miami will try to stay ahead of the pack while in New England, in a game where they can't trip up (although Marc Logan inevitably will), while Indianapolis heads to a tough environment in Pittsburgh in hopes to get back in the win column against Bubby Brister's 3 TD/6 INT ratio.

Still the only grown man that gets away with being 'Bubby'

Houston is back from a bye week, and they immediately fly into Denver with a chance to continue their streak as the last undefeated team in the NFL. The Broncos return home from a tough loss in Minnesota and behind one game in the AFC West, but you'd have to be a fool to think that John Elway would let his team sulk rather than take down a contender en route to their fourth win. Warren Moon may be leading Elway in all relevant quarterback categories (11 TDs, 1100 yards passing, 176% passer rating), but they each have one rushing touchdown. And if you consider the fact that the Moon sneak works nearly 99% more times than any Elway scramble play, then I don't think it's a mystery which play-caller really is superior.

NFL leading rushers or Midwestern farmers?

After running all over the Patriots and ending up somewhere in Utah, Johnny Johnson and the Phoenix Cardinals welcome the thawing New York Giants in an NFC East match-up that's really going to be a turning point in New York's season. The Cardinals may not have the guts or the gall to make a run to the playoffs at this point, but you'd better believe their mouths are watering at the chance to pull the Giants deeper into the muck of the league's worst teams. New York is on the verge of getting back to .500, and depending on what happens around the league, could start making some noise. We just hope that noise isn't Phil Simms' sleep-inducing broadcast voice.

The late afternoon games won't let up, but of course did you expect them to? The Los Angeles Raiders are riding hot and riding dirty after two convincing wins. Unfortunately for them, they're out of the NFC West and back in their own division, this time up against San Diego. The Chargers knocked Kansas City down another peg to pull within a first-place tie of Seattle, but you'd have to believe their challenge this week will be a bit harder, with the Bo Jackson/Marcus Allen tandem presenting a few more problems than the previous week's Okoye/Word debacle. San Diego has played cool, calm and collected as of late, but if there's anyone capable of having something blow up in his face, it's B.J. Tolliver.

Sunday concludes with an intriguing NFC showdown between Washington and Chicago, two teams trying to keep their momentum going in their respective divisions. The Redskins have been losing some steam as of late, however, and with Mark Rypien finally throwing his first picks of the season there's really not much left going for Washington. They've lost two in a row, while the Bears have rolled out three wins in succession on the back of league-leader in rushing, Neal Anderson, who's got what analysts call a 'favorable match-up' this week. We picked one team to win their division, and the other to lose out on the playoffs altogether, and if you need a hint you needn't look further than who has the edge in the very important 'Cap Boso Factor'. 

Monday night apparently won't be rung in by Hank Williams, but we'll still see some good ol' boys from Texas when Dallas heads north to Green Bay to shake some cobwebs and start a run for a playoff spot. Before the season, we envisioned the Packers edging Dallas out for a playoff spot, and while we continue to stick to our proverbial guns, we still see this as an exciting match-up and a chance for both teams to start drawing attention. Both teams bring identical records to the table (3-2) and thus a pretty similar ranking in offense and defense. However, the Magic Man himself, Don Majkowski, has been slightly better on the field and in blonde mullet-growing than Troy Aikman, and so we're thinking that the Packers fare better in their second featured game at home--unless Mike Saxon's leg has anything to say about it.

Here it is: The first (and probably last) Tecmo punter profile on the 'Net!

My, how our little standings charts have grown!

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AFC

NFC

 

 

Byes: Atlanta Falcons, Los Angeles Rams, New Orleans Saints, San Francisco 49ers

Looking Ahead: Week Five

It's Week Five, folks. We called Week Two "Separation Sunday", where the 1-0s tried to move farther from the 0-1s. Things didn't go as we predicted, of course, as Tecmo never does. Maybe we jumped the gun; however, I don't admit to mistakes. And I don't look back. Neither will the teams presented in this docket of games. There are some teams that have had a few roadblocks, and others that haven't been playing up to their potential. But with Week 5 here already, it's time for some of those teams to break out from the pack. I'm looking at you, New Orleans.

Schroeder doesn't understand golf scoring, either

The first slate of games are sure to kick off the short-listed schedule off with a bang. The Los Angeles Raiders travel just a few miles north to San Francisco, hot off a blowout win against Atlanta. The 49ers, meanwhile, haven't had a breather since their Week One win, losing three in a row and falling behind the Rams early on. They're still favored over the faltering Raiders, with their fourth-ranked run defense up against the two-headed demon known as Bo and Marcus. Who will give in first? We're going with Jay Schroeder's rubber band arm.

Another early game to watch will be the Colts marching to the great Northwest Territory to battle the Seahawks. The Colts started off strong, but lost a shocker in Detroit to put them at 2-2. Being that we're huge Albert Bentley supporters (in the fan sense), we're hoping they're not petering out already, and this match-up against the 3-1 Seahawks will most likely be the litmus test of the Colts' staying power. The AFC West, meanwhile, has been one of the best divisions early on, and Seattle can't trip up here if they want to keep up with Denver and San Diego. Like two Cy Young pitchers going in a do-or-die game, Dave Krieg and Jeff George will need to be the leaders to take their team to the next level, or in George's case, to take to the hair-grafting clinic.

It will also be hard to look away from the Giants in Dallas, as they try to continue their comeback tour against a divisional rival that has been surprisingly dominant. Two other surprising 3-1 teams collide in the Twin Cities as the Broncos visit the Vikings. We think only one of these teams is for real, and if you need a clue, the team that will win will be the one with a quarterback that went on to win two Super Bowls and become a successful Vice President of his team, and not the one that got busted for using HGH.

Note: There are 28 more Pro 'Running Backs' after No.2

The late afternoon games are all about heavy hitters locking up and settling some bets. Three of the four games feature teams that are all 3-1 (a combined 18-6 record), while the odd game out will probably get cancelled due to a Ringling Bros. Circus coming to town. We can't tell which one will provide the most playoff implications, but perhaps the one with the NFC East divisional leaders will provide the most coke dealers. We're hoping for a return to glory for QB Eagles, but if he's overshadowed by Mark Rypien, well, we know we won't be able to blame the guy.

With Sunday Night games cancelled until the bye weeks are over, we move to Monday Night Football, and a key AFC West match-up in San Diego. The Chargers stumbled last week after a quick 3-0 start, while the Chiefs lost as well for the second time in a row. If De Berg was looking for a breakout game, there couldn't be a more perfect time than in South Cali against a divisional rival that's currently in the lead. We're thinking this game will come down to the Nightmare from Nigeria versus the man named Butts, and with Kansas City's defense, and the inability for most of the Chargers to point out Nigeria on a map, we say advantage: Chiefs. We had Kansas City winning the Wild West, with San Diego only eking out 5 wins, and so the Chiefs will need to buck up. Otherwise, I'll be spending the rest of the week wiping egg yolk out of my eyebrows.

Hitting Power 88 = 88 mangled defenders

But don't take my word for it; here are the standings, as read by a bunch of loud-mouthed children:

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AFC

NFC

Byes: Houston Oilers, Cleveland Browns, Cincinnati Bengals, Pittsburgh Steelers