Week Seventeen: In Like a Boomer, Out Like a Bear

There have been brighter days for some of the teams on today's schedule, as this marks their final day in existence (at least in the blogging realm). We know who's in already, though that doesn't make our slate of games any less exciting. There's no way of knowing until the dust has settled who's playing where or against whom and, in the NFC anyway, none of the divisions have even been cinched up. Philadelphia and Atlanta control their own destinies, whereas Minnesota could find themselves singing the Ray Berry Blues if they can't tow the line in the Central. But we've all been around this mulberry bush before. Let's chase out the Esiason weasel and get down to Week 17!

 

1:00 Games

San Diego (10-5) * Seattle (4-11)

Nate Lewis returns in time for this playoff warm-up against the Seahawks, though the Chargers looked more like an AFC West division mid-dweller with Stan Humphries unable to out-throw Stan Gelbaugh's 119 yards. His 3 interceptions to Gelbaugh's 0 actually put his net total somewhere south of the century mark, and the Chargers stumble from a sure playoff bye-week to a possible 3-seed with their fourth loss in five games to end the season. Bob Gagliano's parents are already on the phone with San Diego's GM.

Final Score: Seahawks 24, Chargers 7

Indianapolis (4-11) * Cincinnati (6-9)

The merciless final year of the Boomer Esiason regime comes to a defiant, shoulder-shrugging end as the towhead tosses in the towel early. Esiason's final stat line as a Bengal reads 27% with just 62 yards and an interception. Jeff George, another quarterback with an itchy jock, padded his resume for teams on the prowl with an 81% completion rating and 219 yards throwing. Suddenly, Cincinnati appeared every bit ready to challenge the Colts' ten-game losing streak this season before being rudely interrupted by its scheduled end.

Final Score: Colts 28, Bengals 14

Kansas City (4-11) * Denver (6-9)

Dave Krieg apparently heard about some open auditions going on and wound up crossing the 300-yard mark for the first time this season. And when he heard it was for the beloved Kansas City acting troupe, the Serendipity Players, he made lemonade out of the lemons he was accustomed to throwing all season and gracefully bowed out. The decision was made slightly easier when, despite his big day on the field, the Chiefs still lost to the punchless Broncos by ten points. 

Final Score: Broncos 31, Chiefs 21

L.A. Raiders (7-8) * Washington (8-7)

In a season that saw as many tie/near-tie games as it did cheerleader panty shots, there was no better way for the Cinderella Raiders to see their season end than in a tie game with the already-deposed Redskins. Mark Rypien threw hard enough to end it early with 293 yards passing, however it appeared Washington was more content in letting the Raiders implode by themselves. Why choose to go out of playoff contention on the last week of the season in a hail of gunfire, when you can go out napping on the couch with a bag of stale Cheetohs in your crotch?

Final Score: Raiders 14, Redskins 14

Minnesota (10-5) * Green Bay (4-11)

The Packers appeared to have thrown every game this season just for this moment; a chance to sneak up and slice the jugular of Rich Gannon and Co. A dominating loss for the Vikings, who have led the NFC Central since week one, suddenly put them on the precipice of going home early to catch their wives with the poolboys should Chicago pull out an improbable win against Dallas later. Brett Favre put on one of his rare yet dazzling flawless performances of 283 yards and no picks to lay the final rotten egg on an already rotten second half for the Purple Poutine-Eaters.

Final Score: Packers 28, Vikings 14

Tampa Bay (6-9) * Phoenix (3-12)

A week off of nearly cancelling San Francisco's plane to the playoff tickets, Tampa Bay lays a stinker and loses to the worst team in football. Whether it was a legitimate underestimation or simply the Buccaneers' front office hoping to draft high on yet another overrated wide receiver, Tampa Bay ended another disappointing season unnoticed by most. Fortunately, this allowed Vinny Testaverde to get away with not realizing his helmet was on backwards for most of the game.

Final Score: Cardinals 24, Buccaneers 14

Miami (11-3-1) * New England (5-10)

When the Dolphins took a big lead early and late-season ROY candidate Kevin Turner went down for New England, Dan Marino promptly took his seat on Coach Shula's lap to watch the Dolphins give up 14 points in the 4th quarter. New England wins their third game in a row to end the 1992 season, overcoming the crowned AFC East champions in the process, though its significance is about as important as Hugh Millen's appearance at Roosevelt High's 10-year high school reunion.

Final Score: Patriots 28, Dolphins 24

Houston (10-5) * Buffalo (10-5)

A possible playoff preview and replay of last year's AFC Championship didn't disappoint, though this time Buffalo took the spoils to enter the playoffs as the conference's hottest team with a 7-game winning streak. Though Houston already had their division wrapped up, they still had a chance to clinch a bye with a win. Fortunately, Stan Humphries's mystery of which bed he woke up in proved more puzzling than Warren Moon's, and the Oilers back into the bye with their own streak of two losses.

Final Score: Bills 21, Oilers 14

4:00 Games

New Orleans (10-5) * N.Y. Jets (7-7-1)

A tie game for the Jets may not have given them any clear advantage heading towards the end of the season, but it gave the rest of us the advantage of not having to work a calculator by drawing a line in the proverbial playoff sand: win and in, lose and out. And just when it appeared we were close to seeing the end of the clinically-indefinable season for the Jets, Browning Nagle pulled together one of his wholly underwhelming yet somehow effective performances to catch the reeling Saints on their heels. The game was a microcosm of New Orleans' season, with a quick strike to start the game, including a huge Morten Anderson 60-yard cannonball launch before the end of the half, followed by a second half of fumbles, interceptions, and a botched chip shot by the very same Anderson. The implosion opened the door for Cary Blanchard to triple his field goal count for the season, kicking 3 in the second half, including a doubtless game-winner, to give the Jets an improbable and somewhat undeserved chance to redeem their own disappointing second half of the season with a postseason berth.

The Jets not only put the loser of the simultaneous PIT/CLE game out to pasture, but also opened the backdoor for the Atlanta Falcons to sneak through to a division championship, capping an exciting race with a Georgia peach-sized thud.

Final Score: Jets 16, Saints 13

L.A. Rams (8-7) * Atlanta (11-4)

Despite scoreboard-watching telling the story of Atlanta's victory over the torrid NFC West, they still put on a solid performance to deliver upon themselves a first-round bye and keep the Rams from staying above .500, which would have been a respectable feat considering their depressing dethronement midway through the season. Chris Miller put up a strong performance of 282 passing yards with 72% completed passes, designating the Falcons as the NFC's dark horse despite finishing in the Top 2 of the conference.

Final Score: Falcons 28, Rams 21

Pittsburgh (8-7) * Cleveland (8-7)

Though Cleveland fans never expected their team to be fighting for a Wild Card spot in Week 17, the Browns and their somehow fitting 'streaky' season kept them in the race until about 3 minutes into the first quarter. Whether it was the pressure of the situation or the fact that Pittsburgh had mountains more talent in every aspect of the game, Cleveland choked harder than LG Dan Fike at the Sunday morning buffet. The Steelers, knowing that their own promising season was threatened with the Jets taking charge against New Orleans, came alive behind multiple Barry Foster sprints and a defense that, when they weren't feasting on Mike Tomczak's mush-brain, were intercepting his desperation passes. After a sure-thing turned into a probably-not with a 2-game losing streak going into Week 17, Pittsburgh earned their berth with a powerful shellacking and also reviving the all-important fear factor for their first postseason opponent.

With Thurman Thomas still out, Barry Foster's 108-yard performance gave him a 56-yard lead in the rushing champion category that will surely give him MVP honors, no matter where the Steelers end up in four weeks. And if you thought 'fishing for endorsement deals', you may not be far off.

Final Score: Steelers 35, Browns 7

San Francisco (9-6) * Detroit (4-11)

Left for dead and without an answer just a week ago, the 49ers pulled out a classic performance over the kitty cats of Detroit to give them just enough point differential for a wild card spot and making the NFC Central a winner-take-all scenario. Though Barry Sanders tried to make up for another sub-50 yard rushing performance with some yards in the air, nothing will overshadow perhaps the worst year of his career. Meanwhile, Steve Young kept Montananite head-hunters at bay for one more week with 305 yards and 83% of his passes completed.

Final Score: 49ers 35, Lions 10

Dallas (10-5) * Chicago (10-5)

Though Dallas was already certified a playoff contender with the Minnesota loss, they let a shot at the NFC East title slip through against Chicago, whose noses perked up even more at the taste of Viking blood in the water. Led by Jim Harbaugh's effective arm and the balanced attack of Neal Anderson and Brad Muster, Chicago knew a loss spelled the end of their improbable postseason run due to early-season blowout losses. And after sixteen weeks of looking up at Randall McDaniel's ass, the Bears took care of their own blowout. Though it was Chicago's offense that rolled down the field, it was their wakened defense that bloodied and scarred Troy Aikman early and also denied Emmitt Smith the 56 yards he needed to surpass Barry Foster as this season's rushing champion. The Cowboys closed in on Chicago just before the half with their own impressive defensive effort that saw Jim Jeffcoat's labored fumble recovery for a touchdown, yet it was Chicago who, despite being 2 games out with just 3 to go, restored the grizzle to Coach Ditka and has the Bears in as a 6-seed.

The Dallas loss not only cleared the way for the foretold Philadelphia championship, but it also cemented a certain rematch with Chicago in the first round of the playoffs. For revenge to be effective, it must surely be swift.

Final Score: Bears 40, Cowboys 21

Philadelphia (11-4) * N.Y. Giants (5-10)

An NFC East Championship already delivered to them midway through the third quarter, the Eagles still never lost sight at what was at stake. A win over the embarrassment that is the New York Football Giants gives Philadelphia the number one seed in the NFC playoffs, giving Randall Cunningham a chance to rest his weary legs that saw him finishing amongst the Top 20 rushers in the NFL. Jeff Hostetler, meanwhile, will have little chance to rest his weary mustache before inevitably entering into the gay porn industry for a paycheck next year, otherwise known as Raiders Training Camp. 

Final Score: Eagles 24, Giants 20

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Just a few short hours ago, we were ready to scratch our final contenders into the engraving that was the 1992 Tecmo Bowl Playoffs. Had we done that, we'd certainly be scouring the mines for new malleable metal as, once again, the Tecmo gods had their way with us. Though Atlanta and Philadelphia came in leading their respective divisions, we had no reason to not believe the Saints and Cowboys couldn't collect on what was owed them, losing to vastly inferior teams that suddenly see their names immortalized on postseason parchment. And, only in Tecmo would we see a team that led every week of the season not only be deposed of a division title, but miss the playoffs altogether thanks to wonky scheduling and the infamous 'point differential tiebreaker'. And now, because our own wonky schedule brought these games to you mid-week, we're not sure if any of us will be ready for this unlikely playoff schedule to hit us. Nonetheless, ready we must be as Wild Card Weekend waits for no man! Unless that man wakes up with a wicked hangover Saturday morning and won't even think about looking at a computer monitor.

Monday Night Football: Minnesota vs. Cincinnati

With both teams poised at the precipice of perfection, the Vikings and Bengals are sure to bring their A-game tonight. For Minnesota, that includes their third-ranked rush defense, while Cincinnati is ready to release the pit bull that is Derrick Fenner. It'll be the Vikings' biggest test since Barry Sanders in Week 2, something we never thought we'd be saying about the Fenner Bender at the beginning of the season. Like we said before, getting to 3-0 can be a cakewalk for any team, what with upsets and fluke wins always a part of the game. Getting to 4-0 is the real test, and tonight only one team will pass while the other will go back to obscurity inside their own respective division. With the Oilers surging in the AFC Central, that would be a worst-case scenario for Cincinnati. Ask Vikings' fans if they're comfortable with the rising rookie in Green Bay, and they may turn a different shade of purple. Either way, we're excited to document this important early season game for you, and with our filler running out let's say we just get into it.

Quarter One
Eric Ball is the returner for the Bengals this evening, and he gets his team a decent starting position at their own 37-yard line. Cincinnati comes out challenging the Vikings' defense early with two straight pitches to Fenner which net 9 1/2 yards. Fenner converts the first down, but that's all he'll get this drive when Boomer Esiason tries to change things up and gets picked in the end zone on his dead duck pass to Carl Pickens.

Faking the famed Carter reverse, a play made popular by the Mauritania Mourabitounes national football squad, Terry Allen rushes for 23 yards. On the next play, the Mauritanians lift their chins in pride when the Carter reverse is actually called and goes for another 1st down. Winded from his minute-long run, Cris takes the bench while Anthony, no relation despite having the same Ivory Coast-shaped birthmark, heads out on the field and immediately pulls in a criminally wide-open 47-yard pass from Rich Gannon for the first score of the game. That's two French colony references for you geography nuts out there (and I know you're out there).

Minnesota leads 7-0

Cincinnati starts at their own 40 on the next drive. Future Carl Ekern "Spirit of the Game" Award winner Harold Green, also having a stellar season in his breakout year, takes the ball for 8 yards and is immediately injured by the spiteful and unsympathetic Vikings defense. Fenner picks up the first down, and fearing for his own safety takes the bench on the next play to give Eric Ball his first chance to carry the...rock. Ball plods slowly but gets 9 yards, 3 of which are erased on the next play after Chris Doleman readjusts his infrared on the newest Bengals' ballcarrier. On 3rd and 4, Ball caps off his first drive as a rusher in professional football by finding out what Doleman had for dinner.

Quarter Two
After a Lee Johnson punt that goes for a touchback, the Vikings start their next drive handing the ball off to Allen who is quickly becoming entrenched in Dave Shula's next nightmare. Allen carts around the Bengals' defense for 15 yards, waking them up for the next three plays which see a batted pass, a reunion of Allen's face with the turf, and Rich Gannon using his wheels to pick up 4 yards on a 3rd-and-17 play.

Standout rookie Carl Pickens operates with the ball for the first time in the game on a punt return. He's only upright long enough to see 19 yards, and when Ray Berry smothers Esiason for a loss of 13 on the next play, the Bengals suddenly find themselves dangerously close to the next Shula aneurysm. On a shotgun play that sees Esiason leaning up against the goal post, the ball is lobbed up to a wide open Pickens for a huge 79-yard gain. Ball nets a negatively impressive minus-3 yards on the next two plays, and when Berry swallows up a second helping of Esiason, Cincinnati is forced to settle for a Jim Breech 32-yarder. Unfortunately, they'll have to settle for Jim Breech minus the three points when his kick sails wide left.

Cris Carter, the second leading rusher on the team, nabs another 22 yards when the Carter reverse baffles Cincinnati once more. Roger Craig, the third leading rusher, is welcomed back from injury by a wall of Bengals' defenders. Allen completes the trifecta that is the vaunted Vikings' rushing attack with a 22 yard burst to the Cincinnati 30-yard line. Craig earns another week with the squad with a 23-yard catch-and-run to the 6, where Allen runs from to score with just 34 seconds left in the half.

Minnesota leads 14-0

Halftime - Vikings 14, Bengals 0

Quarter Three
Breech delivers a full power kick to the always-dangerous Darrin Nelson, who's only able to bring it out to the Minnesota 14-yard line. Anthony Carter doubles that on his second reception of the game, and two plays later nabs his third, a 35-yard connection to get them inside the scoring threshold once again. A flea flicker to Allen is courageously blocked by the Bengals' secondary, but his third fake reverse once again stuns them for a gain of 25 yards to the Cincinnati 7-yard line. They get away with two straight misfires to each of the Carters, leading to a 3rd-and-goal situation. Sucking up their stripes, the Bengals hold tough on another heart-stopping flea flicker to Carter, Anthony, batting it away at the last moment. Fuad Reveiz is on to give some fans between the uprights an all-expenses paid trip to the team dentists' office.

Minnesota leads 17-0

From his own 35-yard line, Esiason dodges a sack and connects with Pickens for 36 yards to get inside the Vikings' 30. From the shotgun formation, Esiason overthrows Pickens in the back of the end zone. Carlos Jenkins scavenges Eric Ball and Boomer for parts on the next two plays, eliciting another Breech appearance. This time, his kick is on target from 54 yards, allowing new owner Mike Brown to release one of Breech's children back to his father.

Minnesota leads 17-3

Enough time remains on the clock for Darrin Nelson to both return the Breech kickoff 68 yards and impregnate three nubile young women, while still having enough time to compliment the head referee's new cleats.

Quarter Four
Thanks in part to Nelson's stellar return and Gannon's resilience, the flea flicker survives another entry in the record books with a 22-yard touchdown connection to Anthony Carter.

Minnesota leads 24-3

Ball gets the Bengals' their best starting position of the day at the Cincinnati 44-yard line. The product of Esiason's scolding on the sidelines from Coach Shula is realized when Fenner is fed the ball on the next four plays. He totals 53 yards, but that's all that'll stay on his stat sheet after the game when Eric Ball is sent out to scrape up the final three for the Bengals' first touchdown of the game, amending his stat sheet to now include 6 total yards and a score.

Minnesota leads 24-10

Allen scoops up the onside Breech kick at the Cincinnati 48-yard line. Steve Jordan catches his first ball of the year at the 41, making the most of it with a sweet, sweet run to paydirt. The Bengals are suddenly the loneliest men on the field.

Minnesota leads 31-10

Just for 'kicks', a full-power Reveiz boot pins the Bengals at their own 7-yard line. Esiason finishes the game with two blocked passes and a 20-yard run in true Boomer fashion.

Final: Vikings 31, Bengals 10

To the winners go the spoils, and so the Vikings spoil a 'perfect' opportunity for Cincinnati and leave as only the second undefeated team, alongside the 49ers of San Francisco. The power players were in full force for Minnesota, from special teams star Darrin Nelson, to the defensive efforts of Doleman and Berry, to Allen, Carter and his other brother (not actually) Carter. Even Rich Gannon was effective in his mediocrity, successfully averaging 33% on his three flicked fleas. Derrick Fenner was obviously underutilized, a factor that can be blamed on both Coach Shula and Boomer's eternal pout. This wasn't more obvious than during the Bengals' final meaningful drive, which Fenner single-handedly constructed for their only touchdown. Cincinnati has a week to regroup before meeting the Oilers in two of their next three games, a hugely important bump in their schedule. Meanwhile, the Vikings will hope to continue churning out performances like this one--if only to keep the chilling, cruel gaze of Denny Green from making the oncoming winter colder than it has to be.

Conference Championship Weekend

We're only one game away from the Tecmo Bowl, but before we get ahead of ourselves we'll need to dive into the second-most overblown weekend of the season, Conference Championship weekend. Only the Buffalo Bills remain of the final four we predicted in our Preseason Analysis, and we're still quite confident they have what it takes to overpower the Oilers and get to the championship. The only thing Houston has to their advantage is a rare home game in the playoffs being the number 1 seed, which should make this a game that goes down to the last possession. Meanwhile, in the NFC is another game of the top two conference seeds, but between two more unorthodox teams in the Washington Redskins and Minnesota Vikings. The Redskins played one of the more exciting COM-COM games in Tecmo history, knocking out the heavily favored 49ers on the last play of the game behind back-up QB Stan Humphries. They'll face another defensive challenge against the Vikings at the stadium scheduled to hold next weekend's Tecmo Bowl. Will they be sent packing after their fluke win? Or will Washington get to book an extra weekend in Minneapolis? Let's get to the business.

AFC Championship

2 Buffalo Bills (13-3-1) at 1 Houston Oilers (14-3)

Highlight below for an analysis:
After a quarter of no scoring, this game lit up in a hurry. Ultimately, it was a big gain that Buffalo gave up before the half that led to the 3-point win by the Oilers, despite there being plenty of other opportunities for QB Bills and Andre Reed to burn Houston as they've burned other teams all year long. Houston advances to their very first championship game with a relatively healthy team after a quietly dominant season. While they rightfully deserve a spot in the final game, they're the Newt to Buffalo's Mitt, obviously leaving no real winners for the rest of the viewing public.

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NFC Championship

2 Washington Redskins (11-6) at Minnesota Vikings (13-4)

Higlight below for an analysis:
The Vikings couldn't recreate the late-game magic of their opponents, as Herschel Walker's triumphant return fell a yard short of putting Minnesota in a home-field Tecmo Bowl. It was a see-saw battle for the most part, but Stan Humphries' star shone brighter than Wade Wilson's, and the Vikings' time-consuming reverse plays and a costly Walker turnover outdid them in the end. The Redskins are a true Cinderella team, first stealing their division in the last game of the season and then beating two conference juggernauts to get into the Tecmo Bowl; however we must remember that they represent a team that actually went to their season's Super Bowl, although now they'll have to pose a mid-week cage match between Humphries and Mark Rypien, should Rypien miraculously return from what we suspect was a Joe Theismann-level injury.

Divisional Playoffs: Sunday Edition

Tonight we'll round out who advances to the conference championship games, something that's been a long time coming since we started this whole shebang last September. We already know who's in: Buffalo and Washington. But their fates still need determining by who wins today. Will the Bills have to travel into a hostile southern city, one still holding on to a 150-year hatred for anything yankee in appearance? Will the Redskins have to leave the comforts of their crime-ridden homes to travel to some podunk Midwestern state on their path to the Tecmo Bowl? We've got a couple of 1-6 games here that don't present too much excitement outside of a possible Bob Nelson sighting, but it also puts up the possibility of a big upset if one of the road warrior teams were to win. Let's head to Houston first for our second AFC Divisional affair.

6 Seattle Seahawks (10-7) at 1 Houston Oilers (13-3)

Quarter One
Seattle wins the toss, the first of what may be a few small victories here in the Lone Star state. They make the most of it by running three straight plays before having to punt after Sean Jones turns Dave Krieg into pâté.

The Oilers drive for about three and a half minutes before ending in a 43-yard field goal from Tony Zendejas, but before that they encountered a small scare when Lorenzo White coughed up the ball near midfield. Their indelible fears were erased for the time being when he recovered it again, erasing what may have been a huge mistake against a very formidable team in Seattle.

Houston leads 3-0

Quarter Two
Seattle runs three more successful plays, this time coming even closer to a first down, but John L. Williams comes up a hair short. Rick Donnelly, the Seahawks punter paid in coffee beans and trout, trots out and boots it to Houston for his second straight punt.

Thwarted again; seen only twice in the Seattle Seahawks' season,
the elusive first down remains an enigma for the men in silver and blue

The Oilers forget about their strategy to toy around with their opponents for the time being when Moon throws a laser shot to a wide open Drew Hill, who scores on the 60-yard connection. Upon realizing what they'd done by giving the potent Seahawks offense another shot before halftime, the Houston Oilers' owners immediately fire the entire coaching staff and a few of the more horse-faced cheerleaders.

Houston leads 10-0

Krieg is the first Seahawk to convert a first down when he scampers 25 yards, but Williams is stuffed on the next three plays to render all of that moot. The Oilers squeak by on another lucky defensive stand coached by the owner's 8-year old son and his gang of misfit orphan friends.

Their expertise on the offensive side of the ball isn't as recognizable, however, when the Oilers go quickly into a 3rd-and-19 situation and are stuffed for no gain. They punt it away to the highly skilled and very reputable Seattle offense once more, but luckily for them they don't score in the remaining 20 seconds of the half.

Halftime - Oilers 10, Seahawks 0

Quarter Three
Houston mysteriously emerges from the locker room with their coaching staff reinstated, but in the confusion they once again forget to not score right away when they call for the Moon-to-Jeffries connection for 55 yards to paydirt. Oilers fans are left scratching their heads.

Houston leads 17-0

Norm, a new sitcom on ABC: He's not inside the Norm!

Seattle continues to play very wise, meticulous football by keeping it on the ground. They're finally able to wear down the Houston defense with the exact same Williams play underneath five freaking times in a row. They crack into Oilers' territory for the first time, which becomes entirely too unfamiliar for the famously misanthropic Dave Krieg, so he uncharacteristically fails to move the chains and the Seahawks put Norm Johnson on the field in desperation for some points. Automatic Norm, as he'd come to be known in and out of his many mistress' bedrooms, comes on and plants it from 58 yards out for the second of two expected small Seattle victories of the day.

Houston leads 17-3

Warren Moon makes a mockery of the Seattle defense when he scourges them for two straight 25-yard runs to close out this wild third quarter of AFC football.

Quarter Four
Never let up on the Seattle Seahawks is the warning Moon and his Oilers heard all week, and they learn why as the fourth quarter starts when Moon is sacked by Joe Nash on fourth down and Zendejas is sent out for his second boot of the day. His kick bounces off the left upright from 50 yards out, casting a dark cloud over Houston and its suddenly very nervous fanbase.

The Oiler defense combining into the unstoppable PixelBlob

The Seahawks start their amazing comeback story with a slight setback when Krieg is intercepted on the second play from scrimmage near midfield. No sweat, there's plenty of time left for an offense of this caliber to rack up some points.

Houston can't get anything going on their next drive, and suddenly face a 3rd-and-18 situation after a David Wyman sack. When Wyman consumes Moon on a second consecutive sack, Zendejas is shakily trotting out for a 52-yard try. His kick sails wide left, not even coming close to the bar, and suddenly Houston has never looked more vulnerable.

Dave Krieg senses blood in the water, and quickly goes to work with some cerebral play calls that lull the Oilers into a false sense of security as he hands off the ball to Williams on three consecutive plays. Soon enough, however, the Seahawks face their biggest challenge yet when they stare right into a 4th-and-6 situation on the Houston 33-yard line. Derrick Fenner heroically takes the ball into his own hands and converts the first down, but with time as their greatest enemy the Seahawks wisely embrace their defeat and give Williams the ball for the final, courageous play of Seattle's season.

Final Score: Oilers 17, Seahawks 3

We tried to juice this one up as much as possible, but the fact of the matter is that this was simply a  refresher for the Houston Oilers to remember how to play football. And while they didn't convince anyone with their weak victory here, they advance to the AFC Conference championship for a mighty battle against the number 2-seeded Buffalo Bills. Their momentum is surely lacking after two missed field goals from Tony Zendejas, but with Warren Moon manning the offense it's easy to see why he was rusty with only 12 attempts on the year. Seattle had some bright moments on defense, their only strong suit and reason as to why they were here to begin with, but now must return home after a noisy whimper to an otherwise crazy rollercoaster ride of a season.

 

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6 Green Bay Packers (10-6-1) at 1 Minnesota Vikings (12-4)

Not to be confused with the popular blaxploitation actor

Quarter One
Don Majkowski, a man who's thrown 42 touchdowns this year and is second only to the overly charismatic Warren Moon, has also thrown 28 interceptions, and tosses up another one here to Carl Lee at the Minnesota 20-yard line.

The Vikings can't pillage the opportunity to strike first when Hassan Jones drops an off-target throw from Wade Wilson. Harry Newsome, the token mouth-breather of the Vikings squad, is on to punt it back to Green Bay.

Majkowski is slightly more efficient this time around, but not as electric with short passes and lazy handoffs only getting them near midfield where they're eventually stopped by the Purple People Disfigurers in Chris Doleman and Al Noga. The Packers punt it back to Minnesota.

Wade Wilson, known more for his flukey passing than his good looks, launches one off here to the wide open Anthony Carter, who shows why he's the superior Carter as he streaks to the end zone, causing multiple Packer defenders to fall at his feet and praise him as the ultimate football-playing Carter on this particular Minnesota Vikings football team.

Minnesota leads 7-0

Quarter Two
The Packers answer quickly on their next drive at the start of the new quarter, capping it off when Majkowski throws a crooked across-the-field ball to Sterling Sharpe for a 30-yard touchdown. The wild card of the team, however, is Chris Jacke, who is apparently the ultimate proponent of the two-point conversion rule that has yet to go into effect. He shows why when his sixth extra point of the year is blocked, meaning this game is ultimately headed for a 1-point win by Minnesota somewhere down the line.

Minnesota leads 7-6

Why they pay Anderson the big bucks

Jacke further adds to his legacy as the most hated man in Green Bay in the pre-Brett Favre era when he launches his kickoff just 30 yards to Alfred Anderson, who returns the kick all the way to the Green Bay 5-yard line. Jessie Clark, filling in for the still-injured Herschel Walker, finishes it off with a touchdown that, despite having the same effect as a Herschel Walker touchdown, pays Clark a bonus worth the price of one of Walker's dog's couches.

Minnesota leads 14-6

Green Bay knows they need a quick strike before the half to keep it close and quell the Vikings' momentum, but pick the worst strategy when Michael Haddix fumbles the ball during a decent drive at midfield.

The Vikings don't get any points on the turnover when Wilson is sacked on 3rd-and-9 during a Green Bay blitz, and the dangerous Majkowski will get the ball back one more time before the half.

With his team driving and back-up quarterback and former high school soccer player Anthony Dilweg getting dressed in Jacke's uniform, Majkowski appears to have one more play to take a shot or go with a field goal. They go with the more popular and less risky chance of going for a Hail Mary, but the demon-possessed Scott Studwell puts an end to that clamor with a sack of Majkowski and some split-pea soup projectile vomiting.

Halftime - Vikings 14, Packers 6

Quarter Three
The Vikings get the ball after halftime to make a statement and pull away from the suddenly impotent and cheeseless Packers team, but when Clark gets nowhere on three straight plays the Vikings are forced to send Newsome out after only taking off 48 seconds from the clock.

Noga gets another sack of Majkowski, while Lee adds to his defensive resume with his own sack, and the Packers face a 3rd-and-22 situation. The Don goes on the run, but his escape artists tactics can't outrun the adrenaline and Grain Belt-fueled Joey Browner, who brings him down after a gain of only two yards.

Hassan Jones converts a successful reverse play during Minnesota's next drive, but when he's called on to actually do his job of catching the ball on 3rd down, he fails wildly and the Vikings punt it back.

One downfall of Tecmo: the lack of mystery

Quarter Four
A few things happen on this drive for the Packers as they attempt to draw the score within one point. The first is a 4th-and-9 play at the Vikings' 39-yard line that Keith Woodside cleverly converts after a fake reverse play. Secondly, two Chris Doleman sacks of Don Majkowski push the Packers back to beyond where they started on that fourth down play. Thirdly, on 3rd and 24, Haddix yanks in a long ball from Majkowski and finally, Perry Kemp caps off a wild Packers drive with a 15-yard touchdown in the corner of the end zone. And now with just under two minutes remaining, the Packers are within one defensive stop of using this magical drive as a means to come back on their hated rival and upset the number-1 seeded Vikings.

Minnesota leads 14-13

While the Packers are within one defensive stop of the Vikings with about a minute and a half to go, Minnesota is within one stupid call from Green Bay's coaching staff to go ahead and punch their tickets to the NFC Conference championship. And just as they've done all season, the Vikings trick the opposing team to do something stupid when they call for an onside kick, one that Jessie Clark easily recovers. One play later, and Wilson makes the Pack pay with a flea flicker to Clark that converts into a 51-yard touchdown to give the Vikings an insurmountable lead.

Minnesota leads 21-13

Charles Wilson returned 72 kicks for the Packers this season, but on his 73rd he's inured and won't go golfing with his buddies next weekend in a telling turn of events for Green Bay. Down 8 with 28 seconds to go in a game before the anything-goes era of 2-point conversions, the Packers accept two more Chris Doleman sacks to make that about 42 sacks allowed by the Green Bay offensive line today, possibly leading to the -8 points they allowed their team as they hit the road back to Wisconsin.

Final Score: Vikings 21, Packers 13

The curse has been lifted! The Vikings win their very first featured game here on The Tecmo Bowl despite having possibly their best Tecmo season to date with 12 wins. Even with their lack of Herschel Walker, they show that they were deserving of the NFC's number 1-seed with the dominant victory here, led by Chris 'Bob Who?' Doleman. The Vikings have been a two-sided team all season, beating inferior teams but getting smoked by some of the more potent ones. They showed now that they're ready for a team like Washington to come to town for the rights to move on to the Tecmo Bowl, especially if Mark Rypien remains out of commission. And with the win, they round out a weekend that sees the top two seeds from each conference advance to make sure that the Tecmo Bowl will be a contest of the season's elite, plus a possible Wade Wilson thrown in for good measure.

(Wednesday) Night Football: Minnesota vs. L.A. Rams

Rich Gannon, the loose cannon

It's Wednesday night, so you all know what that means! That's right, a regulated NFL game between two teams featuring rosters 20 years old. Also, it means that your dear writer is about chin deep in "what-have-I-got-myself-into"-ness. But you should feel blessed; while the rest of the world pretends to root for one irrelevant college team versus another irrelevant college team during bowl season, you get to see two teams duke it out in proper 8-bit fashion. Tonight, the 12-2 Minnesota Vikings travel to the west coast to jam their purple shoes into the throats of the 8-6 Los Angeles Rams. With a loss, the Rams will hand over the division to the 49ers and exchange their unis for some cabana gear, but with a win, they keep the oxygen pumping through the tanks for a shot at the impossible. While the 49ers are hoping that Minnesota hasn't packed it in already, the fact that the men in purple have locked up home field means that our worlds should most likely be rocked by none other than Mr. Rich Gannon.

1991: When footballs apparently had teeth, or poison

Quarter One
Gaston Green takes the kickoff, and then becomes this week's particular Los Angeles pariah when he fumbles it over to Minnesota at the Rams' 33-yard line. We can't fault him too much, however, as the Vikings gave the Rams about 15 seconds to recover it themselves. I guess it really is about who wants it more.

On the Vikings' first possession, Wade Wilson drops back but overthrows Steve Jordan in the end zone. Wilson passes from the gun on the next play, and flips it to Jordan for a 5-yard gain and a nice round of polite applause from the Rams fans. Rick Fenney takes the carry on third down, but only nets 3 yards to initiate the first Fuad Reveiz sequence of the day. Mr. Automatic is having problems with his clutch, however, and banks the 43-yard attempt off the right upright. The ball is given back to Los Angeles in basically the same field position, minus about a minute and a half.

Gotta love that team blocking

The Rams choose a Curt Warner dash on first down, and Warner Jiffy Pops a few defenders off of him for 2-yard run that turns into a 10-yard gain and a first down. On second down, a purple wave washes over Jim Everett, led by Scott Studwell who drops the Rams' QB for a loss of 9. When Everett's first pass is blocked on its way to Henry Ellard, Los Angeles is suddenly facing a 3rd-and-19 situation. They go with their secret weapon, the man who's personality is so looming that they had to name him after a mid-size metropolitan area, and Cleveland Gary cruises for 31 yards. Two plays later, and Everett finds the Ellard hookup he missed out on before for a 41-yard touchdown.

Los Angeles leads 7-0

Herschel Walker takes his first carry, a kick return, out to the Minnesota 38-yard line. Wilson, who's first name should never be confused with 'Athleticism', scrambles out of a blitz and finds Fenney on the run for a 26-yard pass connection. One play later, and Wilson fools the Rams' 'D' and nobody else with a flea-flicker touchdown connection to Walker to make a game of it.

Score tied 7-7

With just seconds left in the quarter, Gaston Green gets the Rams into good starting position at midfield. Everett scrambles for a five yard gain into Vikings territory, only to flip the field when the quarter comes to a close.

If it weren't for Tecmo, we wouldn't know that Cleveland
Gary was an amputee

Quarter Two
A lateral to Gary, first name Cleveland, only nets 3 more yards, and so the Rams face another precarious third down. Luckily for them, Warner hasn't had his third-down conversion appetite whetted in a while, so he gets the ball and gobbles up ten yards. Gary takes the ball 27 yards on the next play down to the Minnesota 3-yard line, but it takes two more plays before he's finally given the ball back to complete the score.

Los Angeles leads 14-7

Minnesota starts from their own 28-yard line. They quickly add another 50% of that with a 14-yard Hassan Jones reverse, and while the Rams wait for their watches to catch up with real time, Fenney guts it up the middle and then races 48 yards to the Rams' 10-yard line. The Jones reverse is inexplicably called, but it still nets another 6 yards. The final 4 are picked up on the third Jones reverse of the drive, and Jerry Burns is hailed as a cerebral coaching genius for about 0.7 seconds.

Score tied 14-14

With time running out on the half and knowing that the Vikings will be taking the ball directly afterwards, the Rams run three straight carries by Warner and Gary that net 19 yards. With just 24 seconds left, Everett goes for the gold, but overthrows 'Average' Willie Anderson at the 2-yard line. Warner scrambles for 4 yards to get into Mike Lansford territory, who nails it up the middle from 55 yards out. Somewhere Fuad Reveiz is asking for an advance on his weekly stipend.

Los Angeles leads 17-14

Physics were never Lansford's forte

Halftime - Rams 17, Vikings 14

Quarter Three
Walker zig-zags his return all the way to the Rams' 46-yard line to start the second half. Minnesota appears to boldly go for a third consecutive Jones reverse, but the play is predicted wisely by the Rams' 'D' and is blown up for a loss of 6. Back in their own side of the world, Walker takes the ball on a fake reverse for 16 yards and a first down. With that wild success, the Vikings decide to go back to Jones, but he loses 11 and the NFL Rules Committee is seriously thinking about revoking the earlier touchdown. Fenney is finally entrusted with the ball, but only gets 3 of those yards back and now Minnesota faces a 3rd-and-18 situation. A play action pass to Anthony Carter lands somewhere between Carter's hands and a nacho vendor 18 rows up, and Harry Newsome is on to show why he's paid the big bucks.

Doleman only knows 2 words:
BLARRGHH and psychophysicotherapeutics

Chris Doleman takes a Minnesota-sized bite out of Everett on first down, and then spits him out two plays later with another sack on 3rd-and-21. The Rams barely avoid a safety, and immediately punt it back to the Vikings to get Doleman back to his psychological evaluation on the sidelines.

The Vikings start at midfield after a billowing punt from Keith English. After two unsuccessful flea flickers, one of which was dropped by Cris Carter at the Rams 5-yard line, the Vikings face a quick 3rd-and-10 situation. Walker tries his best to earn his $38,000 per carry, but only nets 8 yards and Newsome is on to play 500 with the Rams once again.

Gary runs twice consecutively for 23 yards as the quarter expires with no scores, but with Los Angeles charging.

We still don't know where Tecmo found this screenshot
in their microprocessor

Quarter Four
The mysterious 'M.' Merriweather takes Everett down for another 10 yard loss and his fourth sack of the game. Jim's rage is felt on 3rd-and-15, however, when he keeps Punt-a-mania from forging ahead with a 22-yard connection to 'Fading Health' Willie Anderson. When the play is over and three purple jerseys are peeled off Anderson, the medical staff is on to cart him away. It's a deep cut into the Rams' offensive weaponry, but three plays later his replacement Derrick Faison shows incredible promise with a 45-yard snag that's good for Los Angeles' third touchdown of the game. And according to Stats LLC, it's one of Faison's three career receptions, so pat yourself on the back for getting to bear witness to such a rare and exciting feat.

Los Angeles leads 24-14

Walker fights his way to the Rams 44-yard line, his second return into L.A. territory today. After a wild overthrow of one of the Carters (we weren't paying attention), Wilson goes to Jones, who decides to perform one of his more common duties in actually catching the ball as a wide receiver. Jones zooms down to the Rams' 7-yard line, and two plays later Wilson's scrambling in for a Minnesota touchdown. But down by 3 with just two minutes to go, Fuad Reveiz is finishing witness protection paperwork in the tunnel before he kicks it back to the Rams.

Los Angeles leads 24-21

Gary scoops up the bumbled onside kick from Reveiz, who obviously has other things on his mind, and scoots around to hustle it all the way to the Vikings' 13-yard line. He gets the ball on first down for the inevitable score, and somewhere in South America the kids are getting ready for a Christmas filled with rejected San Francisco division champion shirts--at least for the time being.

Los Angeles leads 31-21

Time runs out on Minnesota's chances for an improbable 13th win, although they'll have a chance next week with about 2 of their starters playing. Cris Carter makes things interesting with two huge catches that get the Vikings to the Rams 6-yard line, but with time expiring, the relevance of this is somewhere between 8th grade trigonometry and flossing with no dentist appointments in the near future.

Final Score: Rams 31, Vikings 21

It was a game that meant everything to one team, and very little to the other. Still, it was a fun, offensive-in-a-good-way contest that showed off two potential playoff teams. We're excited to see what kind of damage Cleveland Gary can cause in the postseason if the Rams continue to roll, while we think the Rick Fenney factor is inversely proportional to Minnesota's own success on their march to the Tecmo Bowl. We're still not sure why the Vikings are the number one team this year, with two of their 8 plays consisting of a reverse and flea flicker that should doom them to Phoenix Cardinals island, but they've found a way to win which is the most important thing in Tecmo's NFL. Minnesota gets another team hungry for a shot in the playoffs with Green Bay next week, while Los Angeles has their own hands full with Seattle looking to not lose the AFC West championship. We know they're hoping for a quick return to 'Fast' status for Willie Anderson, otherwise the Rams are heading into shaky ground with their entire season on the line.