The Book of Tecmo: Chapter One

Bernie

A layer of dust, thicker than normal, coated the bases of his trophies. Bernie swirled the cubes inside his tumbler of whiskey, his noticeably distorted face and eyes looking back at him from his reflection in the glass. It’s been awhile, he thought, longer than normal…

The voice trailed off.

But what’s the use? Another voice sprang up, more combative in tone. They’ll just continue gathering dust. We all gather dust, in a way.

Bernie sipped at his drink. The liquid burned running down his throat, clearing out his nostrils. “Fucking rubbing alcohol,” he muttered under his breath. But that’s all you can afford these days. And with that thought still echoing in the chambers of his mind, Bernie took another drink.

They were all still there. All-American in 1982 for Boardman High School. Share of the 1983 Orange Bowl title, along with MVP honors, in his freshman year at the University of Miami. He managed to crack a smile, thinking back fondly to the records he not only shattered, but still held over 30 years later. Of course, there were those first real tastes of disappointment the following year; the first real chinks in the young Ohio native’s armor. When you’re flying that high, it’s only natural that guys like Frank Reich and Doug Flutie would come gunning for you.

His time spent at the University of Miami, the ‘U’ as he’d called it amongst his peers, was just a microcosm of the life Bernie would find himself battling through. Missed opportunities, bad breaks, and simply bad timing. And, of course, there were always the naysayers. The haters. The ones that despised his success, and would do anything to tear him down. Like Reich and Flutie had done during that rocky year of 1984, so had the collectors and bankruptcy lawyers. If 1984 was a dark year for Bernie, then 2009 was black enough to suck in all existing matter around it.

But they didn’t take his trophies. The ones that existed behind that old pane of glass, inside that wooden cabinet collecting dust. And they couldn’t touch that part of him that still burned, like the embers in a campfire still glowing after sunrise.

As Bernie drained his glass, he thought of the empty spaces still inside the case. More specifically, he thought of that one bare spot he left open between the accolades he earned during Cleveland’s greatest seasons in the last many decades. That one glaring hole that he purposefully left open to reflect the one that still weighed heavily in his heart. The 1987 AFC Championship that he had promised his faithful fans, his team, and his family. It was still the only trophy missing from his case.

Some nights, Bernie would wake up with an anxious feeling and race downstairs. He would shout through the floorboards at his former wife, Babette, telling her that something was wrong; someone had broken in and taken his beloved 1987 AFC Championship. Those were always the longest nights, where she’d hold him in her arms and vainly attempt to comfort him, help him remember. The 1987 AFC Championship wasn’t stolen, she’d tell him, because it wasn’t his to be stolen.

His house was empty now. There weren’t any arms to comfort him on nights like those. Babette was gone. She’d left him; filed for divorce right as his own bankruptcy battles loomed like Lovecraftian mountains on the horizon. It was reported in the media that she’d split because of his irrational spending, the fact that he was “giving his money away”. Bernie knew better, however. Sure, he’d tried his best in his post-NFL career to remain successful and wealthy, slinging his way into risky financial ventures the same way he’d riskily sling balls down the field. But the field was different; there, Bernie hardly missed his man. He’d set records for accuracy, both during the season and in the playoffs. Unfortunately for Bernie, the real world wasn’t full of the same tires to shoot balls through. These tires had rotating saw blades between them, ready to carve up any amateur investor that attempted to pass through unscathed.

The only thing he could attribute it to were his concussions. When he was on the field, his eyes were as sharp as a Great White’s. It didn’t matter if he was playing in the warm, early autumn air or in the throes of a famous Cleveland winter storm. He could always lock on his target, fire the ball at the necessary angle and velocity, and be sure that his man would come up with the rock. Now, his good days were when he wasn’t collapsing in agony or trying to fight out the increasing volume of ringing in his ears. The concussions were why he made those bad investments. The concussions were why he’d become so short with Babette in those final years of their marriage. The concussions! The concussions! The concussions!

It was getting bad again. Bernie backed into the nearest chair, his favorite: a dusty, brown recliner. Brown. He smiled, rubbing at his temples. The ringing was beginning to fade. He’d learned since how to cope with the headaches. With the dizziness. There were things he kept active with. Yard work, keeping up with his fans on social media, his children. Sara. Hopefully, one day, perhaps she’ll forgive me and stop doing that…stuff she does.

That wasn’t something he wanted to think about now. That was something he’d thought about enough already. He stood slowly, fighting the urge to look into his trophy case as he passed by, and brought his aching body back up the stairs to go to bed. It was 2:30 in the morning, after all.

Monday Night Football: San Diego vs. Cleveland

As promised, we now present a Monday Night slugfest of two AFC teams turning their respective fortunes around from last year. San Diego is ready to pull away with the AFC West, something a win over Cleveland would make very much possible. Cleveland, on the other hand, may be breathing on fumes if they can't find a way to win here. Suffering a demoralizing loss at the hands of Houston last week, the Browns need to find a way to recreate their 5-game win streak earlier this season to get back in the serious discussion between retired man-boys on network television.

Quarter One
The Chargers waste no time taking the reins of this game, with a deep John Carney kick to Randy Baldwin, who is wiped out at his own 9 yard line. Immediately after, Mike Tomczack gets steamrolled right inside his own end zone by Henry Rolling, causing his life insurance company to cringe for just a second.

San Diego leads 2-0

No, not that Terry Taylor

Nate Lewis, the dedicated return man for San Diego, returns a pitiful Matt Stover kick across midfield. Stan Humphries has little chance to get comfortable himself when Cleveland cornerback Terry Taylor picks him off on his first pass of the game. The Red Rooster strikes again!

Tomczak begins his run at redemption in the familiar shotgun formation, though he's once again acquainted with Henry Rolling's Burger King breath with a sack of 13 yards. Eric Metcalf takes a stab at it and converts Cleveland's first positive play of the game, a run of 7 yards. Quickly facing a 3rd-and-16 situation, Tomczak gets his first pass off, connecting successfully with the sixth-rounder out of Colorado, Rico Smith, who runs it out to the San Diego 29-yard line. On the ensuing play, Tomczak takes his pick of 5 open receivers, choosing Kevin Mack at the 10-yard line to run it in for Cleveland's first score.

Cleveland leads 7-2

Lewis returns his second kick to the Chargers' 20, following it up with a catch in the open field for an additional 48 yards deep in the Cleveland dog pound. Smooth Stan runs the next play like butter, handing it off quickly to Rod Bernstine, only to have Bernstine huck it back for Humphries to find Anthony Miller in the corner of the end zone to make Bill Belichick's frown grow a frown of its own.

San Diego leads 9-7

The Browns get decent starting position once again with a Baldwin return to the 43-yard line. Eric Metcalf batters his way through the San Diego pinball machine, picking up 7 yards. On second down, the Chargers roll over Metcalf to force another third down with a yard loss. Tomczak, slightly less stoic than his last drive, throws the panic lever and bounces the ball off of Metcalf and the three defenders swarming him.

Quarter Two
Brian Hansen cashes his paycheck with a punt that pins Eric Bieniemy at his team's 9-yard line. Poised as ever, Humphries avoids the safety by falling forward into Mike Johnson's waiting meat cleaver hands at the 1-yard line. Head coach Bobby Ross rolls his grapefruit testicles on to the field over the next two plays, consisting of a Humphries flea flicker that falls short, followed by a dangerous Miller reverse that has the receiver nearly running behind the goal post, though he's still able to pick up 15 of the 18 yards needed to give punter John Kidd some breathing room.

Kidd lofts the ball all the way to the Cleveland 30-yard line, giving Metcalf hardly a chance to return before he's smeared like a fitting brown liver pate on the field. Tomczak laces it to Rico Suave for a 20-yard gain on first down, following it up with a dandy 14-yard run of his own to the San Diego 27-yard line. The promising drive comes to a screeching halt, however, when Texas native Stanley Richard picks off the eclectic Tomczak at the San Diego 5-yard line. He charges back to the 23 to set his team up for the next drive.

Humphries gets the dancing bug, trotting an entire 2 yards over the Cleveland defense. On second down, Bernstine picks up his quarterback's slack with a decent 10-yard rush of his own, his first carry of the game. Mike Johnson swallows Humphries for another sack, erasing 11 yards. Bernstine's run, while admirable, only regains 7, so on 3rd-and-14 when Humphries' pass to Lewis only picks up a similar 7, the Chargers are forced to punt it away once more.

With exactly 42 seconds remaining until the end of the half, Metcalf sashays his way through the San Diego special teams, chewing up valuable playing time for Tomczak and company. With 22 seconds left, Cleveland resolves to send Metcalf up the middle to end the half on a reasonably positive note, though his tackle at the 1-yard line with 0 seconds remaining is about as non-positive as you can get for a team struggling to find ways to score all season.

Halftime - Chargers 9, Browns 7

Quarter Three
Nate Lewis gets a solid return to the San Diego 44-yard line. Undaunted by his previous failures, Humphries boldly digs down deep for the flea flicker once more, finding it batted away again on course to Anthony Miller. His pass up the middle on second down to Bernstine is also batted like a sack of steaming potatoes away from any live bodies. Lewis atones for his teammates with a catch in coverage 12 yards away, setting up a new course of downs. Like clockwork, Humphries forges on with the flicker, finding it knocked down again by a Cleveland secondary apparently uniformed in canola oil. On second down, Humphries drops back, gets serious for a second, and uses his fortunate ability to be protected all day long to find a wide open Lewis along the sideline for a 45-yard score.

San Diego leads 16-7

Cleveland starts at midfield after a short kick and, knowing they've finally used up all their chances to keep the game close, start their scoring drive with a pitch to Mack that's blitzed and loses 6 yards. Mack can't make up for the loss, falling over a yard further behind the line of scrimmage, and on 3rd-and-17, Tomczak knows he's in trouble when a wide open Rico Smith forgets everything he learned in Colorado and drops the pass. Belichick sends in Mrs. Hansen's baby boy for the punt.

Bieniemy only musters up a return to the 11-yard line, giving the Chargers a long field but a fair amount of time needed to erase from the clock anyway. On first down, Humphries goes to the air, lobbing it to Lewis who can't fight physics and reach through his defender to catch the ball. Michael Dean Perry notches another tally for his bedpost with a sack of Humphries, setting up a third down in which Nate Lewis has no chance of catching the ball, even in triple coverage.

Eric Metcalf finally comes clean on his guarantee by schooling the San Diego special teams with a punt return to the Chargers' 35-yard line. An omen of things to come, however, presents itself when Tomczak throws to a covered Michael Jackson and is almost picked off. Metcalf takes the ball safely on the next two plays, converting a first down. Tomczak takes another stab at glory, and for the time being is rewarded with the assistance of a leaping Jackson in the end zone to pull the game back within two.

San Diego leads 16-14

Nate Lewis answers with a decent return of his own to the Browns' 45-yard line, setting up a time-killing drive of two straight Rod Bernstine runs to close out the quarter with an additional 15 yards to his name.

Quarter Four
Humphries gets back to basics with an incomplete pass to Lewis to kick off the fourth quarter. On 3rd-and-10, the popular flea flicker continues its every third-play trend, though it still can't fool the windmill arms of the Cleveland secondary. On fourth down, John Carney is sent out to put this game out of field goal range for the Browns, a feat that is successfully converted from 48 yards away.

San Diego leads 19-14

Carney's still got some blood pumping through his femur on the ensuing kickoff, one that pins Baldwin back at his own 7 with a shade over 2 minutes to play and Cleveland suffering a bit of unsettling deja vu. With San Diego predictably blitzing, Tomczak forgoes the common sense that saved them on their first drive by lobbing up an ill-advised duck into the welcoming gloves of San Diego cornerback Anthony Blaylock.

The Browns defense comes up big, stopping two straight reverses and another Humphries flea flicker, though San Diego does its job in wiping out over a minute from the clock. John Carney is called upon once more, and he also does his job by ruining Thanksgiving for little Johnny in Cleveland with an icer from 26 yards away.

San Diego leads 22-14

With just 5 seconds left to play after a Baldwin return to the 45-yard line, the Browns do all they can in an alternate dimension where 2-point conversions are unfathomable; they call the Tomczak-to-Metcalf pitch that sees Metcalf running backwards on an escalator into futility.

Final: Chargers 22, Browns 14

Though hardly a clean game by any stretch, the Chargers proved to still be the class of the AFC with a defensive spanking of the ill-prepared Browns. Had Humphries strayed from the flea flicker formula a bit, he may have had a better showing for the national audience though his resilience after a first-throw interception did prove who the better man was out there. Tomczak tried his best, though it was hard to avoid getting his clock cleaned by a hungry San Diego front seven ready to prey on the Browns' weak line. The Chargers go on to their eighth win, one we predicted at the beginning of the season should be enough to clinch the West, while the Browns' fifth loss may be enough to force them to show their hand in a division that includes the unflappable Oilers and unpredictable Bengals. Of course, only time will tell what's in store for the rowdy Brown bunch, though we think the continual benching of Bernie Kosar will be inversely related to their appearances in any January football games.

Looking Ahead: Week Four

In football itself, not much can be discerned from the first quarter of a game. Likewise, the first quarter of a season, while rife with excitement, tells us little about what to expect going forward. Will a team lunge forward right before the halfway point, preparing for a second half surge? Will a team crumble over the next few games, and fall too far back to stay in the fight? Week four presents some interesting match-ups, and some teams, while not quite facing must-win games, may find it harder to get back in the race if they can't jump the hurdle here. It's also the last week before teams have byes, so records will still make sense until about Week 11.

The early games on Sunday present a few key divisional match-ups, as well as some interesting inter-conference shake-downs that aren't exactly Super Bowl previews. After a career-defying game by Steve Grogan last week, the Patriots visit Houston to take on one of the few remaining undefeated teams in the Oilers and Warren Moon. It'll be an air-battle, with Moon throwing up gravity-defying passes, and Grogan passing up gravity-eating throws past the moon. While we hate to see teams lose here at Tecmo, a New England upset of Houston would just be good for the game of football, and strangely enough, put the Patriots within a half game of first place.

Another win, and Denver can continue their strange
suggestive celebrating to all of our collective disgust

After getting toasted by John Elway and the buckin' Broncos of Denver, Seattle welcomes Kansas City for a second straight divisional battle at home. The Chiefs lost their game last week as well, and both are looking up at the undefeated Chargers in the standings. Both teams will be itching to get back in the win column, and though it's early, a loss here would seem devastating with how much the West is living up to its wild nickname. Meanwhile, a battle will be brewing in San Diego at the same time, with the suddenly back-in-it Broncos visiting San Diego for what they hope is a winning end to their divisional road trip swing. That last statement shouldn't be confused with B.J. Tolliver's love for swinging in the offseason, in which he is always a winner.

With names like 'Mack', 'Slaughter', and 'Joines', Cleveland
easily strikes fear into any opponents' hearts

The early afternoon games also include some rousing inter-conference clashes, starting with Miami visiting Green Bay. The Packers return home with a 2-1 record, matching the division-leading Dolphins and their overlord Dan Marino. While the cold tundra isn't the most welcoming environment for the boys from the sunny south beach, it appears Miami is the more locked-in team right now--whereas Packer fans are simply hoping the team locks Majkowski away before he returns to earth. Also, the surprising 2-1 Browns visit the winless Giants. It's an important game for New York and their flickering playoff hopes, while the Browns are hoping the playoffs begin after this week. As exciting as the Browns have been, the Giants are too good a team to lose four in a row to start the season, just as Phil Simms is too mustache-less to be called a real man.

The late afternoon games include Buffalo visiting Tampa Bay and stealing all their players' wives, while Phoenix attempts a comeback tour in Dallas. The Jets also go to Chicago, my sources tell me. But the biggest match-up late Sunday will be San Francisco visiting Los Angeles to settle a few scores, most coming from Montana to Rice. The Rams shot to a quick 2-0 lead, while San Francisco has dropped the last two, to the surprise of all Tecmo fans and most Vegas bookies that have been following this blog. The 49ers can leap into a first place tie with Los Angeles, which is the obvious choice, but a Rams win would put enough distance in the early part of the season to give the Rams some breathing room, which they'll need after chasing Tom Rathman all over the field.

Football Night in America is brought to you from the Georgia Dome in Atlanta, where two elite teams on a crash course will meet, both bringing a sense of pride and intense determination to accomplish the same goal: win a game. Atlanta and the Los Angeles Raiders are the janitors of their respective divisions, cleaning the basement after hours while the teams above them party together, dancing to club beats and snorting lines with hundred-dollar bills in the bathrooms. Maybe that's an over-exaggeration; however, we wouldn't be over-exaggerating if we said that Jay Schroeder plans on throwing more interceptions than yards, while Chris Miller will be happy if anyone will catch his passes, on either side of the ball.

Barry Sanders' 11.5 yards per carry with no touchdowns
would have befuddled fantasy owners everywhere

And finally, the first quarter of our exciting Tecmo Bowl season concludes with a Monday Night Football match-up that was originally intended as a means to involve every team in a featured game, and eventually turned into a quizzically interesting showdown. Indianapolis visits Detroit, owning a 2-1 record and, depending on what happens in the earlier games, a chance to keep pace with the division leader(s). Detroit, meanwhile, hasn't won a single game, but, also depending on what happens, has a chance to keep pace within their division as well. The Lions are dead-last in total offense, while the Colts are 26th overall in defense, which either means this will be a dud of a game, or perhaps the most exciting throw-down since the XFL.

My references are bookmarked below, so please don't delete this entry, Wikipedia:

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AFC

NFC