Week Fifteen: The Lost Weekend

What more can be said about week fifteen other than it seems to be like the lost weekend before Christmas: it's often overlooked and can sneak up on you faster than Wayne Haddix's sonar. This year seems to be a bit different, however, as in our most recent The Tecmo Bowl season we only have two division champions, those also being the only teams guaranteed playoff berths right now. That will all hopefully change after this week, when the deck is shuffled, dropped on the floor and only Pat Beach is left picking up the cards. Let's peer into the looking glass to see which of those cards Beach didn't slip back into his trousers.

 

1:00 Games

Green Bay (6-6-1) at Chicago (7-6)

Chicago drops back to .500 and will have to continue fighting all the way to the end to stay in the playoffs. To their credit, they held the Packers to only 12 yards rushing, but were ransacked by Mr. Majkowski through the air for 323 yards and a few touchdowns to bring him back to relevancy. Harbaugh was downright stinky, and if the Bears have any decency they'll keep these kinds of stats out of the playoffs altogether. Unfortunately that'd also mean a Brad Muster-less postseason, which I've heard is akin to a New Year's Eve party where everyone fell asleep at 10 P.M.

Final Score: Packers 27, Bears 7

Tampa Bay (6-7) at Minnesota (11-2)

The Vikings use their late-season bye to bounce back from an embarrassing loss to Detroit and stomp all over Tampa Bay, ultimately booting them from the playoff party. Wade Wilson was an efficient 60% for 210 yards and no picks, while Rick Fenney led the rushing attack with 78 yards. Anthony Carter had a robust 102 yards receiving on only 2 receptions, and all of a sudden the Vikings aren't only scary for Al Noga's fashion.

Final Score: Vikings 27, Buccaneers 13

The enigmatic auto-play scoreboard

Miami (9-4) at Cincinnati (6-7)

Boomer's Bengals climb back onto the bubble in the AFC with a huge upset win of the Dolphins behind a near perfect game from Esiason and James Brooks, who had 103 yards rushing on the ground. Dan Marino was stellar as well with 325 yards through the air, but he couldn't keep his team from dropping precariously backwards in the AFC East race. With the Phins acting perhaps as the rabbit, we can finally see why everyone makes all those Jim Kelly/tortoise comparisons.

Final Score: Bengals 42, Dolphins 28

N.Y. Jets (4-9) at Detroit (3-10)
In a game that not even Ken O.Brien's grandmother cared about, the Lions continued clawing into relevance with a big offensive game--and this time we're not talking about Rodney Peete's performance. Peete still had 2 picks, but his 291 yards added on to Barry Sanders' 132 yards rushing had Detroit roaring to their fourth win. Meanwhile, Blair Thomas' meager 40 yards had the Jets roaring into the pavement, running on fumes.

Final Score: Lions 27, Jets 17

Cleveland (5-8) at Denver (8-5)
Jerry Kauric's leg gives the Browns a rare one-up in this strange rivalry, pulling the Broncos out of first place for the time being while also pumping a breath of fresh air in the Browns' unrealistic playoff hopes. QB Browns and John Elway were eerily similar with their 245 yards and 2 picks, and with a combined 145 rushing yards I'm led to believe the late field goal was more of a sigh of relief that the game actually ended.

Final Score: Browns 24, Broncos 21

San Diego (8-5) at Kansas City (5-8)
The Chargers' 14 point comeback in the 4th quarter brought them into first place, despite B.J. Tolliver's clearly hungover 115 passing yards. Luckily for him, Steve DeBerg forgot his orange juice and eggs as well with 155 yards passing, and his two-headed rushing attack couldn't boost him the way Marion Butts' 117 rushing yards put San Diego ahead in the roulette wheel that is the AFC West.

Final Score: Chargers 24, Chiefs 21

That '6' is strangely taking the form of a dagger

Seattle (8-5) at San Francisco (9-4)
The mystery that is the Tecmo Seattle Seahawks almost pulled out a big upset in southern California, but unfortunately for them and everyone else with an ounce of decency the 49ers found a way to pull it out in overtime to win their ninth game in a row. To cap it off, they did it with a touchdown in overtime, taking their level of showboatiness from annoying to eye-gougingly annoying. The usual suspects in Montana, Rice and Rathman accounted for most of the points here, and now the only thing outside of an injury to stop San Francisco may be an asteroid, or my computer shorting out.

Final Score: 49ers 30, Seahawks 24 (OT)

Philadelphia (8-5) at N.Y. Giants (9-4)
After spending most of their season under a cloud of doubt, Phil Simms led his team to another victory to underscore why they may be the conference's only hope of stonewalling San Francisco. Simms was a stellar 80% with 265 yards passing, his weapon of choice being Mark Bavaro who brought down four passes for 135 yards. The bipolar Eagles lose their edge in the wild card race and in continuing QB Eagles' exultation.

Final Score: Giants 35, Eagles 14

How the West was somewhat watchable

Atlanta (5-8) at L.A. Rams (7-6)
Jim Everett returned to form with 75% passing completion and 260 yards, and it was all he could do to keep up with a red-hot Chris Miller, who nailed down an 81% rate and 304 passing yards with no picks. The Rams defense were the heroes, holding up and keeping the hidden weapon in Mike Rozier silent with just 39 yards on the ground. It was a nail-biter, but the Rams keep a flame blowing at the 49ers' heels, even if those heels are made of  full-blasting jet propellers.

Final Score: Rams 35, Falcons 31

4:00 Games

Phoenix (1-12) at Washington (7-6)

Washington played one touchdown better than Phoenix in order to keep their fight for the postseason alive. Mark Rypien was efficient with 222 yards and no picks, while Byner ran around the Phoenix defense for 89 yards on 8 attempts. Johnny Johnson continued to play as a one-man team with 206 all-purpose yards, but unfortunately for him Timm Rosenbach out-played him as ten horrible teams.

Final Score: Redskins 35, Cardinals 28

What happens when you leave COM teams unwatched

Dallas (6-7) at New Orleans (5-8)

Nothing much could be expected from a 14-7 contest, but this one puts high school girls' basketball to shame. If not for a late score by New Orleans to pull out the win, it may have gone forever behind Emmitt Smith's 13 rushing yards, Steve Walsh's 68 passing yards and a total of 8 first downs. Unfortunately, it didn't go on forever, which means we'll have to see these two teams play again some time in the near future.

Final Score: Saints 14, Cowboys 7

Pittsburgh (5-8) at Houston (10-3)

The Steelers made things interesting, but couldn't pull Houston out of a first-place seed. Bubby Brister out-threw Warren Moon with 205 yards to 171, but his 3 throws to the other team is what sealed the deal for the Oil-men. Houston is making the chase to home field in the playoffs, and barring their appeal to playing the Steelers twice more, they may still have to start Lorenzo White in the final two weeks.

Final Score: Oilers 21, Steelers 14

New England (2-11) at Indianapolis (5-8)

With the loss, the Colts won't complete a surprising .500 season. With the win, the Patriots can still pull off a shot at not being the most terrible Tecmo team. Albert Bentley played his heart out with 109 rushing yards on 11 attempts, but John Stephens ripped it out with 129 yards of his own. Steve Grogan and Jeff George combined for 251 passing yards, setting back the argument for hybrid efficiency at least 10 years.

Final Score: Patriots 28, Colts 13

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At long last, Buffalo returns to the featured game spotlight in charge of their own destiny. After losing their week one battle to Miami, and tripping up a few times afterward, they regained their footing and could be in the hunt for a first-round bye. They'll travel cross-country to the bright lights of Los Angeles, however, to battle a Raiders team that nobody who knows Bo thought would still be in the hunt. With a win, the Raiders would not only jump into an improbable wild card battle, but would also snuff out any sense of entitlement the Bills may have built up over the past few weeks. It'll be a military battle of air versus ground, with QB Bills and Andre Reed up against Bo Jackson and Marcus Allen. If this site made any money, I'd put it all on Mr. Bills--unless Howie Long gets to him early and caves in his chest with a wall of hair.

Wears 'L.A. Raider' on his heart, and L.A. Looks in his hair

Monday Night Football: New York Giants vs. L.A. Rams

Tonight:Phil Simms vs Jim "Don't call me Chris!" Everett

I don't usually get surprised by things easily, but when I looked at this match-up and then immediately heard that the same two franchises were playing tonight on Actual Monday Night Football (2011 version), I have to admit I was a little taken aback. However, I shouldn't be surprised by too much lately after the events that transpired this week: a Buffalo loss, followed by a San Francisco loss, followed by a Tampa Bay win. While a win by the Rams over the Giants can't really be classified as an "upset", the fact that L.A. would be 2-0 and alone as a division leader, and the Giants would be in the bottom of the NFC East does say something about my abilities to pick unique simulated Tecmo seasons.


Quarter One
David Meggett is the kick returner today, and he takes the ball all the way to the Los Angeles 48-yard line. Apparently in 1991 they made you kick off from behind the goal post. Either way, Meggett is the early star with two hand-offs that net a total of 3 yards. However, from 3rd and 7, Meggett is entrusted to get the 7+ yards needed for a 1st down, and he nets 8 for what's called a successful third-down conversion. Not done with his vainglory, Meggett is the intended receiver for an 18-yard Phil Simms pass that is good for the first touchdown, capping a successful drive for the Giants of New York.

New York leads 7-0

Snagging the kick at his own 12-yard line, Los Angeles' own Gaston Green takes the ball out to the 22-yard line for quarterback Jim Everett, not to be confused with professional female tennis player and sack-avoiding Chris Evert. Everett shows off the arm he worked in the off-season for a 44-yard connection to 'Fast' Willie Anderson, and then rushes to the sideline to powerbomb Jim Rome through a table covered in empty Gatorade cups. As he's doing this, Curt Warner (the one who didn't win a Superbowl with the Rams) lumbers for a 15-yard gain due to the Giants' distraction. New York's defense quickly gets back to work, however, when they bat away an Everett pass and then sack him for a 9-yard loss. Coach John Robinson then calls for a deep pass, but when the ball is snapped, Everett squeals and lobs it to Cleveland Gary, who nets a total of 2 yards, leading the Rams to what is called a fourth-down situation. Mike Lansford is on to boot a field goal from 36 yards out to get Los Angeles on the board.

Hide your kids, hide your quarterbacks

New York leads 7-3

Meggett successfully gets the ball out to the Rams' 48 yard line once again, and the Giants have yet to call a play on their own end of the field. Despite this, a failed Meggett run and two Fred Strickland sacks eventually do push the Giants back into their own field, and Sean Landeta is on to boot the ball for a touchback.

Quarter Two
Gary and Warner both combine for a 9-yard effort, and on 3rd and 1 Warner is stuffed for no gain. Somewhere, irony aficionados are taking note of how Curt Warner ended his career as a grocery store bagger shortly after this game.

In Tecmo, you may only see this type of play
one out of every three snaps

Meggett disappoints fickle New Yorkers everywhere when he only gets the ball to the Giants' 34 yard line. While Stephen Baker's 10-yard catch is mildly impressive to some, most others will probably remember the Mark Ingram snag for a 56-yard catch-and-run to paydirt.

New York leads 14-3

The Pride of Los Angeles, Gaston Green, ducks and weaves to the Rams' 46-yard line to start the drive with just over 2 minutes remaining in the half. Everett shows off his scrambling abilities on the next play for a 4-yard gain, and then shows off his football-lobbing talents with a 50-yard pass to a 'Leaping' Willie Anderson to make a game of this contest.

New York leads 14-10

The Giants start at their own 48-yard line, to a small chorus of boos from the visiting crowd. Their ineptitude is never more apparent when they decide to hand the ball off to Ottis Anderson, but his ability to run for 30 yards is worthy of a few 'OOOOOOOO-TTIIIIIISSSSS' chants. With 48 seconds left, coach Ray Handley pulls out his trump card and calls another Ottis Anderson run. When that fails miserably, there is just enough time for Matt Bahr to get his name in the score book with a 26-yard chip shot heading into halftime.

New York leads 17-10

Halftime - Giants 17, Rams 10

Willie knows football

Quarter Three
Los Angeles' Native Son, Gaston Green, returns the kick from the goal line for a robust 38 yards. Warner is allowed a 20-yard run before Everett lobs it up to 'Trusty' Willie Anderson to quickly and delightfully tie this one up.

Score tied 17-17

A huge boot from Lansford is taken out of the end zone by Meggett, who lands a de facto touchback when he's tackled at the New York 20-yard line. Popular amongst fellow tow-heads, Phil Simms takes the field to nobody's notice. He further fades away into obscurity after a hand off to Anderson that loses 5 yards, despite an audible cheer from the Giants fans in attendance. This becomes clearer when, on the sidelines, Jeff Hostetler is caught knowingly flexing his buttocks. Even Los Angeles seems enamored with this semi-erotic gesture, and they allow Anderson to make up his loss and then some with a 25-yard scamper. Two plays and another 5-yard Anderson loss later, however, it's 3rd and 15. Although the situation doesn't sound promising, to Giants fans everywhere it's better than the 4th-and-20 they now face after a lateral pass to Anderson is picked for a loss of five.

Landeta, who'd been flexing his own buttocks on the sidelines, shows off the after-affects with a 60-yard punt for a touchback. Cleveland Gary, whom repeatedly swears that he's never been to Cleveland, gets a 12-yard run for some breathing room. Henry Ellard gets involved on the next play with a huge snag to flip the field at the Giants' 30 yard line. Two plays later and the Rams face a pivotal 3rd and 20 situation. Although a pitch to Warner gains only 9 yards, the quarter ends with Lansford warming up on the sidelines for a 50-yard boot.

The ever-popular Lansford pose, imitated by the likes of
Hulk Hogan and disco lovers

Quarter Four
The suspenseful wait is worth it all when Lansford puts the Rams in the lead for the first time in the game.

Los Angeles leads 20-17

With 4:26 left to go, New York starts at their own 13. Phil Simms comes out facing a long field ahead of him, but with the sure hands of Mark Ingram and Mark Bavaro at his disposal, he deserves the NFL Films music that will surely accompany this drive. It all starts with a Dave Meggett 18-yard run, followed up by a hustling Ottis Anderson for a huge 50-yarder that gets the Anaheim Coliseum's crew sharpening their daggers for the after-game gift. Although the Giants' offense is stalled on a Los Angeles blitz, Anderson does a tight-rope run along the sidelines for the remaining 23 yards to a touchdown.

New York leads 24-20

The Vegas-sounding 'Disappearing Holohan' was always
a controversial figure in professional sports

With under three minutes to go, it would seem that the Rams have all the time they need so long as Matt Bahr only kicks it 50 yards. And so that he does, and Los Angeles starts the most important drive of their young season at their own 42 down by four. Gary takes two straight pitches, and on the second one he's got a wide open field in front of him for a 27-yard gain. Warner gets some more work in before his shift at Hornbacher's, and then Everett takes to the air once more with a 23-yard toss to Notre Dame-alum Pete Holohan. With just over a minute to go, the Rams suddenly find themselves at the New York 2-yard line and an all-important victory in their sights. They make the situation that much-more unbelievable when they give it to Warner for the go-ahead touchdown.

Los Angeles leads 27-24

A beautiful Lansford boot gets the Giants stuffed at their own 19 with just 53 seconds left to win or tie it up. With all of the world watching, Mike Wilcher cashes in his fifteen minutes with a huge 10-yard sack to put the Giants at their own 9 and forcing them to take their final time-out. The next play is out of the shotgun, with Simms standing in the shadow of his own goal post. His daring, and later-deemed 'controversial' pitch to Meggett somehow proves fruitful, as he gains 47 yards to the Los Angeles 44-yard line. With only 11 seconds to go and needing to get into Bahr range, Simms' dim-witted, and later-deemed 'Steve Walsh-like' re-hash of the same Meggett pitch only gets 2 yards and that's all she wrote from Los Angeles.

Final - Rams 27, Giants 24

It will take a lot of convincing, but I'll be hard-pressed to find a reason why tonight's actual MNF display of Giants v. Rams will be better than Tecmo's version they put on here. The Giants were strong at first, with good helpings of Ottis Anderson and long catch-and-run by Mark Ingram, while the Rams were their usual hapless but lovable selves, until they exploded in the second half. There were hardly any shades of Frank Reich here, nevertheless Jim Everett's efforts to bring the Rams from sure defeat to glorious victory is commendable, even though we're seeing him before his inevitable breakdown beginning in Week 6. It will be hard to put this entertaining week of Tecmo football behind us, but we'll forge through anyway in the hopes of seeing some more 'C'urt Warner-type heroics before season's end.