Monday Night Football: San Diego vs. L.A. Raiders

We round out Week 13 with another visit to the always electrifying AFC West. Last year there was a bottleneck in the division with hardly any time for the dusts to settle before the playoffs began. This year is an entirely different story, with San Diego in line to claim a front row parking spot to the postseason. Claiming a first playoff spot doesn't always indicate a long playoff run, though it is a pretty good stamp on how dominant a team can be. The Chargers will get the opportunity tonight, with a chance to savor the flavor that much longer by beating up on the Los Angeles Raiders, a final stalwart between them and a trophy presentation sponsored by L.A. Gear. The Raiders are 4 games behind with 5 to go, though beating their big brothers in the division head to head will help them leapfrog a few spots. To the left coast we go, with a chance to see how the West will be won.

Quarter One
The Raiders find themselves in the hole early with San Diego winning the toss and Nate Lewis starting his team up with good field positioning at the 39-yard line. Stan Humphries begins the game under center, rushing for a yard when the Raiders defense comes down on top of him. He doesn't fare much better on 2nd down when rookie Thomas Benson turns him inside out for a loss of 8. Humphries comes out in the marginally safer shotgun formation, though a collapsing pocket has Stan panicking and throwing short to Derrick Walker to force the fourth down punting decision.

Tim Brown has the open field ahead of him on the punt return and is taken down at his own 40. The last second decision is made by head coach Art Shell to send the healed Jay Schroeder out on the field, the one man capable of keeping his team's playoff hopes alive. Schroeder starts by taking a sack for a loss of 8, followed by two incomplete passes to Eric Dickerson. Last year's Pro Bowl punter, Jeff Gossett, brings the pain with a punt to inside the 5-yard line.

The Chargers pick up the first positive play of the game with an 8 yard pass between Humphries and Walker. Rod Bernstine wakes the crowd up with a leaping grab on the next play to take it down to the Raiders' 30-yard line. Humphries has a chance to run a flea flicker for the hell of it, though it appears the Los Angeles defense hasn't found the illicit substances yet and were on the field to break it up. The next two plays fail to pick up a first down, eliciting an appearance from John Carney to kick the ball from 45 yards away. His 18th attempt falls short, keeping this steamroller chugging along.

Steve Smith gets an attempt to run the ball for the Raiders, and the second back swallows a 6-yard loss. The quarter ends with a long run from Dickerson that ends with him bobbling the ball and his contract extension over to Anthony Blaylock.

Quarter Two
Bernstine goes off for 7 yards on first down to begin a fresh quarter. Humphries is chased out of the pocket and runs for some positive yardage, though his medal of honor ceremony is called off with a fumble that goes back into the hands of the Raiders.

Five different receivers stretch the field for the rusty Schroeder, yet the man of 1,000 endorsements throws short to Smith. Tim Brown is the target on second down, however the Chargers defense continues to make the towhead question why he ever came back to play a child's game. On 3rd and 10, Schroeder goes for broke and sees his next Hair Club magazine ad go out the window with an interception by Gill Byrd.

Riki Ellison does his team a solid with a sack of Humphries for 8 yards the other way. A play action pass to Nate Lewis regains 10 of those yards, though on 3rd and 8 the San Diego reverse is snuffed out faster than the Duke Cunningham scandal.

Tim Brown can only manage to get the John Kidd punt to his team's 19-yard line, from which Dickerson tumbles backwards another 3. The next play goes unseen by 50% of the audience watching a six-year old child doing the worm in the stands, which involved Schroeder connecting with Tim Brown for a gain of 80 yards. With 4 yards between them and points, the Raiders elect to go with Dickerson on two straight plays. His touchdown puts the Raiders up by a seemingly insurmountable 6 points with just a minute left in the half.

Los Angeles leads 7-0

Lewis' return picks up 35 yards with 24 seconds removed from the clock. A pass to Marion Butts up the middle racks up an enormous 36 yards to the Los Angeles 29 with 12 seconds remaining for John Carney to put a nice football-shaped imprint on the right upright.

Halftime - Raiders 7, Chargers 0

Quarter Three
Sam Graddy weaves his way through the San Diego special teams to the Los Angeles 35-yard line, setting his team up for a 2-yard Smith run, a wildly incomplete Schroeder throw across his body and Eric Dickerson running into a wall of his own players after being distracted on whether or not he mailed in his AARP registration.

Eric Bieniemy returns a punted ball to his team's 16-yard line, and the Chargers march on to the field for their next offensive series. From there, Stan Humphries throws an 84-yard touchdown to Nate Lewis and the Chargers march back off the field to drink Gatorade on television for a small paycheck.

Score tied 7-7

Starting from their own 34-yard line, Smith continues going the wrong way with a 6-yard loss. Dickerson can't make up any ground for his partner, and so Schroeder saves his punter's leg with another throw to Gill Byrd on the Chargers' 46-yard line.

Anthony Miller handles Humphries' hot potato after pulling in a flea flicker in coverage at the Los Angeles 15-yard line. Lewis converts another touchdown for San Diego, open in the back of the end zone for his second score in as many drives.

San Diego leads 14-7

Watching their lead blown in the same amount of time it takes Jay Schroeder's hair to clump up in the drain, the Raiders get to work at midfield. The quarterback's first pass is thrown 20 yards over anyone's head. His transgression is rewarded with his line opening up to Henry Rolling to tackle Schroeder for a loss of 9. Schroeder connects on a rare pass to Willie Gault, though the Olympian is just inches short of the 1st down.

Quarter Four
Los Angeles makes the decision of their tumultuous season with a Smith run on 4th and inches. The troubled back picks up the greatest 2 yards of his career, setting up for a late-game drive that sees Schroeder on the run for 11 yards into San Diego hallowed ground. It's another salty situation two plays later when, facing 3rd-and-11, Schroeder laces a beauty to Dickerson that picks up the 11 yards needed, plus another 10, to get within the Chargers' 10-yard line. Smith picks up his second touchdown of the day with a 6 yard score that puts his total on the day somewhere near 0.

Score tied 14-14

Back to square one at their own 8-yard line, the Chargers run a reverse that has Nate Lewis gain 25 yards. A positive sign for the team just minutes away from a possible pennant, Humphries lobs a flea flicker to Anthony Miller for his third touchdown pass after being shut out in the first half.

San Diego leads 21-14

The Chargers dare Los Angeles with a short kick to Sam Graddy that has the returner starting his team near midfield. With just under 2 minutes to go for an offense that needs about 3, the Raiders get to work with a strange call to Steve Smith that has the back running 5 yards. Another questionable call goes Los Angeles' way when Dickerson dodges a couple San Diego blockers at the line and streaks his way down the field for a 48-yard gain. Not fooling any judges for offensive coordinating of the year, Los Angeles still caps an impressive late-game drive with Dickerson bursting his way into the end zone.

Score tied 21-21

A man possessed, Nate Lewis crosses midfield with the kickoff and gets to the Raiders' 42-yard line. With just 10 seconds left and about 30 yards out of Carney range, San Diego plays it safe with a Lewis reverse that's wiped out for no gain.

Overtime

In our second overtime game in as many weeks, Los Angeles wins the toss and bravely elects to receive. Apparently saving his leg for such a situation, John Carney rails one off to Graddy who still manages to get the ball out to his team's 32-yard line. Schroeder needs not look off any defenders with Tim Brown left wide open along the sidelines. He saves his quarterback with a leaping catch that he carries to the San Diego 2-yard line, generously allowing our first Jeff Jaeger field goal sighting. The accomplished kicker makes just his 8th field goal of the year, though it's one that'll keep the bottles corked and the cake stale in San Diego.

Final: Raiders 24, Chargers 21 (OT)

San Diego was a different team in this, their second Monday Night game in three weeks. They fell short when it counted by choosing to arrive late to the game after fitting themselves for Division Champion t-shirts. Stan Humphries came alive in the 2nd quarter, showing off why he's still Top 5 material in the league, though their one-dimensional attack may have other possible playoff contenders licking their chops. The Raiders were the weaker team in this match-up, but with the any-day attitude of the league they were able to pull up their big boy pants and put on a rather decent game once they got going. Schroeder didn't make any fans miss Todd Marinovich in his return, though he also didn't make any believers out of a fan base needing to win out for any shot. It was a fun game in its own little capsule, and a sight for fans wondering what could have been in the AFC West.
 

 

Monday Night Football: Buffalo vs L.A. Raiders

Also a great combo: french fries and mayonnaise

Thought we'd forgotten about you sixteen Buffalo Bills fans out there, eh? Yes, it's been a while since we put the Bills in our spotlight, and during that time they've flown under the radar into prime positioning in the AFC. Out on the west coast, Los Angeles has done their best to muddle up their division, even as Jay Schroeder continues giving his coaches aneurysms. The Raiders play host to the surging Bills, and even with the playoff implications involved it still looks like a one-sided affair on paper. Hopefully L.A. will keep Bo and Marcus enticed long enough with endorsements and book deals that they'll actually bust through the porous Buffalo defense for an upset win at home.

Casualty No. 3662 in the Bills-Reed murder rampage

Quarter One
Just as we start to consider giving the Bills the benefit of Japanese programming-induced doubt, they go ahead and win the coin toss, those shitbricks. Anyway, things start looking up for Los Angeles right away as they're able to actually bat away a pass to James Lofton and stonewall Thurman Thomas for no gain on second down. On third down, or what Buffalo calls "second-and-a-half" down, QB Bills avoids an all-out Raiders blitz and finds Andre Reed at the Los Angeles 37-yard line. Two plays later, he connects with Reed again, whose souped-up skills cause his defender to freeze and fall down, letting Reed waltz into the end zone for a score.

Buffalo leads 7-0

From their own 29-yard line, the Raiders go with the popular "keep the ball the fuck away from Jay Schroeder" play by handing it to Marcus Allen, who bobs and weaves for 17 yards. They follow this up with the far less popular "meh, what's the worst that could happen?" play by letting Schroeder lob it up to two Buffalo defenders--the only two defenders that have ever simultaneously intercepted a ball in Tecmo history, at least to my knowledge.

On the Bills next drive, they start conservative with a Jamie Mueller run for one yard. Once again, Lofton is denied participation in Buffalo's skullduggery, and so on 3rd-and-9 he goes for skullfuckery instead with a reception up the middle for 22 yards. One play later, Bills finds Reed wide open in the end zone for some reason, and Buffalo's only up by two touchdowns on two possessions.

Buffalo leads 14-0

Los Angeles gets another shot from their own 36. Schroeder drops back to pass, but smartly turns it into a run play instead when he dumps it off to Allen, who's able to hustle it out 30 yards to the Buffalo 34-yard line. A wave of Buffalo washes over Schroeder on the next play, dropping him back 9 yards, but Allen makes that up and more with a 25-yard run to the Buffalo 18-yard line as the quarter expires.

Despite his absence, this play was all-Schroeder

Quarter Two
In a play that can only be described as "average for a normal NFL offense", Schroeder threads the football up the middle to Allen of all people for an 18-yard touchdown reception.

Buffalo leads 14-7

Mississippi State's own Don Smith is injured on the run-back for Buffalo, bringing Kenneth Davis off his all-important "towel and Gatorade" duty as the new returner. Buffalo runs a rare three-and-out play sequence, and I nearly missed it during my undressing-with-the-eyes of that cheerleader on the 35-yard line.

Tim Brown returns the punted football to the Raiders' 20-yard line, a good spot to set up the soap box derby car that is Marcus Allen. He races down field on the first two plays for 15 yards, but Coach Art Shell quickly puts on the brakes before he catches flames, and sends his quarterback some passing signals. The first one is a failed pass to Mervyn Fernandez, while the next two don't even get off the ground when Schroeder loses yardage on two sacks.

Buffalo makes things interesting with a nearly blocked punt of USFL heartthrob Jeff Gossett. Al Edwards returns the punt to the Buffalo 13-yard line with about a minute and a half to go in the quarter. Thurman Thomas does his best Jamie Mueller impression with a 5-yard run that takes up about 30 seconds as he bops a few defenders, while Mueller does his best QB Bills impression by cowering from the onslaught of silver and black headed his way. On 3rd-and-6, Thomas picks up the first down, but now there's just under a minute to go. The Raiders taste the upper eastern-seaboard blood in the water, and take charge with two straight blitzes. The second one is blown up, however, when Bills rocket launches the ball to a wide-open Thomas, who choo-choos his way down to the Los Angeles 16-yard line. With just 8 seconds left, the Bills open the gate from which Scott Norton bursts forth. Just 8 seconds later, however, something else on Norton bursts forth when his kick shanks off the right upright and Buffalo is denied a 10-point lead at the half.

Anyone else notice 'NORWOOD' is just two letters away from 'NO GOOD'?

Halftime - Bills 14, Raiders 7

Quarter Three
The Raiders get another opportunity with the kickoff, and Brown sets his team up at the 38-yard line. Marcus Allen continues to bear the load with 20 yards on two more carries. Luckily Schroeder lifts the heavy weight off of his shoulders when his pass to Willie Gault is easily picked off around the Buffalo 25-yard line.

QB Bills unpackages his gift possession with a sloppy out-of-bounds throw, followed by an 11-yard loss from a Scott Davis sack. On 3rd-and-21, Howie Long plunges his square jaw into Bills' midsection, dropping him for another 10-yards. Rick Tuten is on to punt from 5 yards inside his own end zone, and due to the help of some Kentucky Bourbon and PEDs, he's able to rack the punt for 85 yards.

How Allen made white rubber dishwashing gloves famous

From their own 37-yard line, Schroeder hitches his team up to his rotting apple cart as he throws a pass to some Japanese photogs on the sideline. He makes up for it with a 12-yard run to midfield for the first down, however, a good time to unleash Ro-Bo Jackson, who'd apparently been encountering some prior technical difficulties. Jackson takes his first carry 43 yards down to the Buffalo 7-yard line, but like a Motorola cell phone battery immediately needs to be recharged. Schroeder drops back to pass, and with four receivers open he opts for that one dude with the spikes coming out of his neck in the second row. On second down, Allen is served up the ball, and he runs it in for his second touchdown of the day.

Score tied 14-14

Doesn't L.A. know there's no kneeling in Tecmo?

The third of four quarters slowly and lazily winds down with Buffalo taking possession of the football and immediately scoring on a 72-catch and run play from Bills to Reed. Although I just wrote this sentence, I swear I am not into rape or torture. Just a little harmless BDSM.

Buffalo leads 21-14

Quarter Four
With an entire five minutes at their disposal, Coach Shell sends out his best personification of said disposal with Schroeder scrambling and getting sacked twice in a row. Marcus Allen bails him out with a run up the middle to the 50-yard line, racking up some fool-making commission along the way. The drive stalls with another batted away pass to Fernandez and a run from Bo Jackson that can't burst around the edge. Facing 3rd-and-8, Fernandez finally makes his own play happen when he runs back to an underthrown Schroeder pass and then proceeds to miraculously jog down to the Buffalo 9-yard line. One play later, and Jackson is in on the party with a run up the middle to paydirt.

Score tied 21-21

The Buffalo Bills being butthole bastards. Alliteration!

With a robust 2:22 remaining and Buffalo at prime starting position at their own-42, the world is Bills' oyster and he's ready to make some crab cakes. Los Angeles brings the monster blitz on two straight plays, which works out nicely in their favor as Buffalo suddenly faces a strange 3rd-and-10 play. With two minutes to go, Bills' pass to Lofton is handily broken up, and the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum lets out a breath of sewage-infested air when there's not a flag in sight. Of course, Buffalo opts for a fourth down play with more than a minute and a half to go. Bills goes to his go-to guy in Reed, and I'll tell you, if I ever find out who that corner is that keeps falling down, I'm going to buy him a new pair of Reeboks gosh darn it! Reed trucks it out to the Los Angeles 8-yard line, where the Raiders surprisingly stand solid on the next set of downs, despite giving up more than a minute. Norwood sneaks out of the pen and boots it in from 21 yards out, but the only one calling him a hero is his new pair of underpants.

Buffalo leads 24-21

With just 22 seconds remaining, the Raiders go for the sure thing and use up the Allen up-the-middle run. It's make or break time for Allen, and he breaks the hearts of true-blue Tecmoers everywhere when he runs into his own line for no gain. One play later, and Schroeder's pass to Jackson near mid-field is batted away as the clock winds down on another bull shit win by the Bills.

Final Score: Bills 24, Raiders 21

I promised myself to be fair and impartial in my retelling of this epic contest, but even I am not worthy of holding up promises to when it comes to Buffalo's vanquishing of teams that are admittedly inferior but would otherwise be infinitely more exciting to see in the postseason. We can take some solace in the fact that if Andre Reed were removed from the equation today, the Raiders would be paving their way to a rare position in the AFC playoffs. Unfortunately, just like the setting sun or your boss' condescending glare, Reed will always be there pulling down impossible passes from QB Bills and making defenders fall down in their own stupid intimidation. Los Angeles has made it interesting with their midseason surge, and if they can keep up efforts like Allen's, we may still see them after all in the next few weeks. Meanwhile, if Buffalo broke off and was claimed by Canada, I wouldn't mind if we also threw in some Cold Stone ice cream to sweeten the deal.

 

Week Five: Where the Big Boys Play

This week we bring out the big guns and pit a few 3-1 teams against each other, for your collective pleasure, of course. In addition, the other games are sure to provide exciting storylines and interesting water-cooler talk. It's the time of the season where the fresh, new football smell has worn off and teams are getting down and dirty. Though it may be too early for playoff predictions, we can all agree that even with the entire AFC Central off today, Warren Moon will still be away from his children for yet another Christmas.

1:00 Games

Jay Schroeder just knows how to win.

L.A. Raiders (1-3) at San Francisco (1-3)

Hot off their Monday night win just a week ago, the Raiders marched into San Francisco, and marched out wiping Joe Montana off their jerseys. Winless just a week ago, the Raiders now have two big inter-conference victories under their belts. Although Bo Jackson was a bit more silent, Joe Schroeder screamed his way into relevance with 205 passing yards and no interceptions for the first time since he was picked next-to-last in his son's flag football league.

Final Score: Raiders 24, 49ers 17

Indianapolis (2-2) at Seattle (3-1)

The Seahawks represented their tough division well here in stifling the Colts, who badly needed a win to keep their Cinderella season on solid ground. Seattle's defense returned, holding Indianapolis to a goose egg in the last two quarters of play and picking Jeff George off 4 times. Dave Krieg wasn't his all-star self, with only 73 yards of passing, but his defense kept him in the game long enough to sign his Playgirl cover shoots on the sidelines.

Final Score: Seahawks 20, Colts 10

New York Giants (1-3) at Dallas (3-1)

The New York Football Giants entered the hostile environment of their divisional rivals in Dallas, and outscored them 9-0 in the fourth quarter to pull out a huge win. Phil Simms earned his job for another week with an 83% connection rate and 235 yards passing, while Babe Laufenberg stood on the sidelines having his jock re-fitted after Troy Aikman only threw 89 yards and two picks. The Giants are still playing with a handicap, but now that handicap is no longer known as David Meggett.

Final Score: Giants 23, Dallas 14

Nobody is more upset about this injury than John Stephens

New England (1-3) at Phoenix (0-4)

The Patriots once again played the remedy to a winless team's ailments, and let Johnny Johnson run all over them for 158 yards on 15 attempts. In comparison, the Patriots two running backs have a total of 157 yards on the year, and that's not going to get any better with John Stephens getting knocked out early in this one. We picked the Patriots to only win 2 games this year, and even with one win under their belt we still think that may have been too optimistic.

Final Score: Cardinals 27, Patriots 6

New Orleans (1-3) at Atlanta (0-4)

Atlanta keeps the winning streak alive for the winless teams with a statement victory here over the Saints. Chris Miller was a man possessed with 248 yards and a few TDs to no interceptions, but perhaps Mike Rozier had a few more spirits consuming his soul as he rushed for an un-Rozier-like 110 yards on 11 attempts and a score to increase his season total yardage 150%. With the playing abilities shown today by Atlanta, they may have enough to finish ahead of the 49ers this season.

Final Score: Falcons 31, Saints 14

Too bad Humphrey can't kick extra points, too

Denver (3-1) at Minnesota (3-1)

The first of our big boy match-ups of the day, Denver visited Minnesota during a balmy, Indian-summer type of day, and were suddenly scalped by a late score to lose by one point, souring Bobby Humphrey's triumphant return. Wade Wilson and John Elway put up almost exactly similar numbers, hence the score, and the Vikings have now won four straight after a huge dinosaur turd of a performance to begin the season against Chicago. We're thinking Minnesota is here for real, but that would mean admitting that a Super Bowl-caliber team is one that includes Rick Fenney on the roster.

Final Score: Vikings 21, Broncos 20

Miami (2-2) at New York Jets (1-3)

It was a showdown of the two teams nobody pays attention to in the AFC East, and it lived up the the anti-hype. Mark Clayton went out before halftime with some sort of an injury, but the Dolphins were just fine without him, putting up 20 points in the fourth quarter and handily beating their little brothers in the division. Marino was super with 257 yards, and Mark Duper was super-duper with 120 yards receiving, but what this all means is that we'll just be let down that much more when Buffalo beats the 'Phins for the crown yet again.

Final Score: Dolphins 34, Jets 10

 4:00 Games

Detroit (1-3) at Tampa Bay (1-3)

Tampa Bay didn't need much help in this thumping of Detroit, but Rodney Peete did his best anyway with two picks and only 132 yards of passing. Vinny Testaverde had his best game yet with a 72% completion rate, but he was decidedly overshadowed by Reggie Cobb, who may or may not have had family in attendance when he ran 12 times for 120 yards. Cobb had two more touchdowns in this game than Barry Sanders has all season, but we're not telling you something you didn't already know.

Final Score: Buccaneers 27, Lions 14

Somewhere in the crowd, Norwood is cowering

Buffalo (3-1) at Chicago (3-1)

It was a battle of division leaders, but the divisions that they lead offer decidedly different challenges. Nonetheless, the Bears escaped with one here at home, keeping pace with Minnesota behind 105 Neal Anderson yards and 14 fourth quarter points. The Bills were even more powerful on offense, however, with Thurman Thomas slashing a stout Bears run defense for 158 yards, but with Scott Norwood booting the balls, even the best team can still lose by a missed extra point or two.

Final Score: Bears 28, Bills 27

Washington (3-1) at Philadelphia (3-1)

This was the premiere late-afternoon match-up, and the game offered some surprising firsts that we're ashamed to say we missed. First, Mark Rypien threw up his first pick of the year, and then threw up another for good measure to keep the Redskins out of the increasingly important win column. Secondly, the Eagles won with no rushing yards whatsoever from QB Eagles, leading us to believe that either he has hamstring issues, or Jim McMahon has had him tied up in the locker room the past few weeks in nothing but boxer shorts covered in little red hearts.

Final Score: Eagles 24, Redskins 17

Tecmo Sports News: Less Flash, More Cleveland Gary

Green Bay (3-1) at Los Angeles Rams (3-1)

The original write-up for this match indicated that both teams were horrible on paper, but somehow had enough to win the games they needed to. While Green Bay lived up to that analysis, the Rams, behind Jim Everett, blew those theories out of the water for good with 328 passing yards. Henry Ellard took down 5 passes for 140 yards, while the Los Angeles defense held the Packers to a total of 38 yards rushing. The Rams separate themselves even further from San Francisco, and if my print screen function goes down before I see the Division Champions screen plastered with John Robinson's shit-eating grin, I might choke a bitch.

Final Score: Rams 45, Packers 27

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Our apologies to all those Kansas City/San Diego fans waiting for their teams' turns in the spotlight tonight. Scheduling conflicts led to us pushing the Week 5 breakdown a day later into Monday Night Football territory, and so the AFC West battle will have to be pushed back as well. We did have a chance to travel in a wormhole to see the future, and you won't be let down by this showcase (especially if you're into watching Barry Word chug for 2.1 yards per carry every other play). A win by Kansas City will put them back into the thick of the hunt, but if they can't stop the Chargers here they might as well cash in their chips and send Steve De Berg on a nice vacation to an isolated desert island unreachable by Chiefs fans and Marty Schottenheimer.

Nobody said it was easy to be De Berg

Football Night in America: L.A. Raiders vs Atlanta

The ATL is so white-hot, even night becomes day

Tonight we travel to Hot-lanta for a showdown between two teams of which even Faith Hill couldn't find anything good to sing about. The Raiders and Falcons share an 0-6 record, and although one of those teams will walk out tonight with their first win, we can be assured of losing a small piece of ourselves for watching it happen. Although the season will only be a quarter finished after tonight, the chances we'll be seeing these teams again in the playoffs is very slim considering the kind of competition they face within their own division, and so it's important for the players of both teams to come out swinging. Hopefully for the Raiders, Bo Jackson has the night off from playing left field for the Angels.

Quarter One

In his haste, Allen inadvertently tends to literally
'shred' defenders apart

Greg Davis graciously kicks the ball over to Tim Brown of the Los Angeles incarnation of the Raiders, who takes it out from the back of the end zone to the Raiders 5-yard line. Bo Jackson is called into the game, and fortunately for L.A., Bo knows safeties, and therefore barely avoids one while still losing 2 yards. Art Shell sticks with the ground game nonetheless, and it pays off when Jackson regains the lost yardage, plus 10 more yards, for a first down. The second half of Los Angeles' two-headed running monster, Marcus Allen, gains a total of 45 yards on the next two runs, pushing the drive to the Falcons' 38-yard line. Jay Schroeder then drops back for his first passing attempt of the game, and to the delight of Raiders fans everywhere it falls harmlessly incomplete. Bo Jackson takes the next hand-off up the middle for a 38-yard touchdown run, which the coaching staff hopes should send a hint to the notoriously clueless Schroeder.

Los Angeles leads 7-0

Keith Jones, who nobody mistakes for Prime Time Deion, returns the kick to the Atlanta 17. Chris Miller gets to work quickly with a 37 yard strike to Michael Haynes, and automatically falls behind in the race for worst quarterback of the day. Luckily for Chris Miller fans, his next pass is batted away, and then intercepted by Riki Ellison just near midfield.

Bo Jackson is the ball-carrier for the first play from scrimmage, which is good for 8 yards. The second play from scrimmage is a Schroeder lob to Mervyn Fernandez for a 47-yard touchdown, angering Jackson fantasy owners everywhere.

Los Angeles leads 14-0 

It's all about who wants it more

Atlanta renews their previously failed drive at their own 41-yard line. Miller wildly overthrows Andre 'Bad Moon' Rison on first down, and then completely misses Albert Haynes 'Her Way' on second down. The next play is called from the shotgun, and the results are remarkably different when Rison has to leap 15 feet into the air to pull down the pass. Apparently the effort took a lot out of Rison's upper arm strength, and he fumbles the ball over to Terry McDaniel upon landing back on earth. The quarter mercifully ends for Atlanta, which still doesn't know that the score won't reset at the beginning of the next quarter.



Quarter Two
From the 40-yard line, Allen scoots over the left side for a quick 14-yard gain into Atlanta territory. The Raiders return to the same play when Schroeder reminds them of his passing deficiency, which is good for another 18 yards to the Falcons' 28. Bo Jackson shows off his versatility on the next two plays with two short receptions, one while locked in an everlasting struggle with an Atlanta defender. One play and a Michael Reid sack later, it's 3rd and 3. Schroeder misinterprets the need for more than a 3-yard gain, and only runs for two. Jeff Jaeger is on for his first act of heroism on the day with a 28-yard chip shot.

Los Angeles leads 17-0

Atlanta begins their third attempt for a score at their own 37-yard line. Miller is blitzed, and wisely throws the ball to Rison in triple coverage for an incompletion. The next two passes also go incomplete, with one nearly beheading the guy filling Gatorade cups on the sidelines, and Miller is suddenly back in the thick of the hunt for QB ineptitude. Scott Fulhage is on to punt, and pins the Raiders at their own 9-yard line with just over a minute to go in the half.

The Falcons fans in attendance seem to watch every play
with a startling indifference

Marcus Allen defies the rules of time and space that us normal humans have to abide by, and runs 75 yards in just 30 seconds, dodging multiple tackles along the way. Art Shell, always the gentleman, decides not to run up the score and sends Jaeger out for another 3 points, despite the fact that Bo Jackson is frothing at the mouth with 24 seconds left on the clock.

Los Angeles leads 20-0

Keith Jones fumbles the return kick over to Mike Harder, whose 3-yard run takes up the final 15 seconds of the half, much to the Falcons' and Mike Harder's doctors' delight.

Halftime - Raiders 20, Falcons 0

Quarter Three
Keith Jones gets another chance for redemption, and does so when his return stretches all the way to the Atlanta 15-yard line. The Falcons' halftime speech must have consisted of a lot of screaming and mentions of Mike Rozier, because he takes the next two pitches for a total of 18 yards. The well is found empty on a third Rozier pitch, when the Raiders blitz him for a loss of 5. Two plays later, on third and fifteen, Miller goes back to the air, and while Floyd Dixon valiantly lunges for the ball, it floats a few yards in front and fifteen rows to the side of him to some lucky Japanese businessmen who have no idea that this was the unintended result of the play and cheer quietly in their seats.

Merry Christmas from the Schroeders

Tim Brown makes a nice return of the Fulhage punt this time, and the Raiders start inside their de-facto red zone from their own 32-yard line. Allen's run for no gain is rightfully upstaged by Bo Jackson's dash around the right end for 57 yards. No one feels more upstaged than Jackson, however, when on the next play, Schroeder scores on an 11-yard scramble.

Los Angeles leads 27-0

Atlanta, always living the hard-knock life, have to start, once again, on their own side of the field. Nobody has it tougher than Chris Miller, who has yet another pass to Rison batted away which, while it angers his football fans, gives him even more street cred. Mike Rozier is involved again with a run over the right end for 14 yards, but Atlanta's life support seems to have been unplugged about fifteen minutes ago, and Rozier is sadly pumping a dead heart. Chris Miller stands undaunted, however, and then runs, screeching and flailing his arms, as the Raiders defense chases him for 12 yards as the quarter ends.

Quarter Four

The Raiders live to rout Atlanta another day

Miller segues the quarters beautifully with a batted away pass to Rison in the end zone. Bob Golic gets his mandatory sack in for the day, and it's suddenly 3rd-and-19 and the Falcons are in panic mode. Luckily, Miller gains his composure in time for another consistently batted away pass, and it's fourth down. Showing off a balanced mixture of testicular fortitude and resigned failure, Jerry Glanville keeps the offense on the field for fourth down and calls a Mike Rozier pitch, and all that matters is that the ensuing run was something less than the necessary nineteen yards.

Starting in what was originally known as Atlanta territory, now renamed Bo Jacksonopolis, the Raiders quickly get to work in using the Falcons as a trampoline with a 42 1/2 yard run by Jackson, who falls the remaining 1/2 yard short of his second touchdown of the day. On first and goal, Schroeder keeps the tourniquet on for at least one more play with an incomplete pass, but Allen promptly rips it loose with an untouched run up the middle. The field soon runs red with Atlanta's blood and half-filled slurpee cups tossed out by the dejected Falcons' fans.

Los Angeles leads 34-0

Jones runs out from his own end zone into the listlessness of Atlanta's future with an 18 yard return. Michael Haynes is immediately overthrown, and three Raiders defenders keep each other from intercepting the ball. After a Rozier 2-yard run , it's 3rd and 8. Haynes is the target once again, but can't dig down deep enough to keep this promising drive alive, and it's fourth down. With just over two minutes to go, Glanville slices open his stomach and lets his intestines drop to the field, apparently misinterpreting the need to reveal his guts. Unfortunately, this brave display goes to waste when Miller runs the ball for only 3 yards, giving the ball over to Los Angeles at the Atlanta 23 with plenty of time left for Glanville to get his guts reinstalled while watching his team get their throats throttled.

Jay Schroeder gets his second passing touchdown of the day with a quick pass to a wide-open Fernandez in the back of the end zone. If you need more superfluous language describing this play, you're a fucking masochistic bastard.

Los Angeles leads 41-0

Floyd Knows Sandwich Receptions

Atlanta gets good field position on the next drive at their own 43, with a decent amount of time left and a few time-outs to manage the drive efficiently. Unfortunately for them, they are Atlanta. Luckily, the Falcons avoid having to call their first time out when Miller's toss goes over his own oblivious coach's head. Floyd Dixon then pulls in a long pass at the Los Angeles 22-yard line, but the reception is in bounds and the Falcons are forced to call a time-out. Dixon is berated for the entire 30 seconds as he's carted off the field with an apparent injury to his dignity. With 31 seconds left, Rozier misses the memo as well when his bold 2-yard run is stopped in bounds. He makes up for his indiscretion when, on the next play, he busts up the middle and sheds multiple defenders as the crowd chants 'Rudy! Rudy!', all the while a brass-and-strings orchestra accompanies his brash and gutsy 20-yard run for the first, and because of time expiring, last Atlanta touchdown of the game.

Los Angeles leads 41-7

Final: Raiders 41, Falcons 7

It wasn't a pretty sight, but we here at The Tecmo Bowl didn't promise you Rita Hayworth. The Raiders get an all-too-necessary win here to keep up with their infighting divisional rivals, while the Falcons get the pleasure in knowing they play New Orleans next week. While they both came into the game winless, the Raiders seemed to be in a different league than the Falcons, and that can be made obvious by 11% completion percentage for Chris Miller. While Jay Schroeder's passing yards weren't Hall of Fame-worthy, his efficiency was, with both of his completed passes to Mervyn Fernandez going in for scores. However, the ultimate elephant in the room is Bo Jackson, and if Bo Knows Elephants like we think he does, he must know that his outstanding performance was due in part to the blackout of 'Bo Knows Tecmo' shirts we called for earlier in the day. The Raiders continue to live for another week when they go to San Francisco, and if Bo Knows Disney movies like we hope he does, Los Angeles could keep their Cinderella season alive.