Today we'll get to witness two games featuring the teams we predicted to clash in this year's Tecmo Bowl, Buffalo and San Francisco. One's at home, while the other has to travel across the country, but in the end we're pretty certain both should collide in the Hubert Humphrey Metrodome come February. Buffalo's had one week off, giving Bruce Smith extra time to watch videos of Dan Marino abusing his dog, and with most of Miami hobbling into the blustery white north we don't have high hopes for the Fish. San Francisco rolls into the nation's capital behind a 38-0 drubbing of a one-time dark horse in the New York Giants, but with a week off and playing at home who knows what Mark Rypien and his silent-but-deadly offense has in store for the Niners. We think they'll be okay as long as they can avoid the offensive silent-but-deadly emissions of a one Matt Millen.
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Miami Dolphins (12-5) at 2
Buffalo Bills (12-3-1)
Quarter One
Florida native Louis Oliver does his home state proud by picking off QB Bills on the first play of the game, a deep pass to James Lofton. We've seen enough Tecmo Bills game outcomes to know it's much to early to uncork the champagne, but we'll still give props any time Buffalo is slightly humanized.
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| Marino's XFL tryouts didn't go so well |
The Dolphins' first play from scrimmage is equally as disastrous, but perhaps with more impactful consequences when Dan Marino joins Mark Clayton and Marc Logan in getting fed through a tube. The trainers have to take two trips to carry off the pieces of Marino while Bruce Smith can see the dollars pouring into his Cayman Islands account. Miami promptly goes three and out when replacement Scott Mitchell comes in wearing his practice uniform asking what a football is supposed to look like. Thankfully Pete Stoyanovich still knows how to kick one, and he puts on 3 points for Miami's efforts.
Miami leads 3-0
Buffalo's second drive runs much smoother and irritatingly more predictable as the A.I. realizes which team is actually playing now and makes sure all of QB Bills' passes into double coverage meet with resounding success. Behind some sturdy running from Thurman Thomas, the Bills get down to the Miami six-yard line. Three plays later and Andre Reed's pulling a pass down in double coverage to put Buffalo up.
Buffalo leads 7-3
Quarter Two
Scott Mitchell can still taste Marino on Bruce Smith's breath when he takes a sack on 3rd-and-6 deep inside his own territory. Reggie Roby's on to punt, and if anyone makes a used-up reference about his race here we'll feel compelled to remind you that we here at The Tecmo Bowl don't see race. And in some cases, neither do the programmers in charge of our beloved 8-bit capsule of escapism.
QB Bills and his offense get to work on piling up the score, and do it in embarrassing fashion when he lobs one up to Keith McKeller, who lets defenders fall down around him in awe of his ability to run in place and still score.
Buffalo leads 14-3
The Dolphins are suddenly facing 3rd-and-20 after another Bruce Smith sack, and soon after Mitchell remains perfectly imperfect with an 0-for-6 passing day by overthrowing Fred Banks. Roby's back out on the field, the only member of the Dolphins to move the ball into opponents' territory all day.
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| He's got a better chance catching that cloud than a Mitchell pass |
Miami can't catch a break when QB Bills fumbles on third down, as Jamie Mueller picks it up. He doesn't convert the first down, but makes it possible for Rick Tuten to make a rare playoff appearance and punt it deep into Dolphins territory with just under a minute in the half.
The Dolphins are driving, and by that we mean they racked up more than 10 yards in three tries. With only 7 seconds left at midfield, Ray Bentley stuffs comeback Scott to keep a robust lead over his divisional rivals before halftime.
Halftime - Bills 14, Dolphins 3
Quarter Three
While eleven points doesn't look like an insurmountable lead numerically, with Mitchell helming the ship it appears Miami has already hit the Bruce Smith iceberg and are sinking fast, with Tony Paige looking for a quickie in an old Model-A. This couldn't be made more apparent when the Dolphins crash and burn on another 3-and-out, even with 3 wide open receivers.
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| Oliver doing some 'twisting' |
Buffalo stalls their run-up when Bills uncharacteristically overthrows James Lofton on third down and Tuten's on for a second consecutive punt. Meanwhile, they're putting on their coats in hell.
When Miami faces a 3rd-and-16 and decides their best option is Sammie Smith, it's more than likely an omen of terrible things to come.
The third quarter of play ends with a bright spot for Miami, when Oliver gets his second interception and keeps the Bills at bay. Unfortunately for them, Scott Mitchell didn't stay lost when Coach Shula drove him to the outskirts of west Buffalo with a blindfold on.
Quarter Four
Despite the momentum shift, the Dolphins don't get anything going on offense and soon face another third down. Mitchell gets a faceful of Shane Conlan, and on 4th-and-26 Coach Shula reaches down deep and pulls out some rather large Florida oranges when he goes for it. Mitchell goes to the air, but his pass bounces harmlessly out of Sammie Smith's hands. And now Shula's just standing around with his hands full of useless oranges.
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| Hey, it's a lonely world for a Tecmo Bills player |
The Bills execute the famous fake to Mueller up the middle, pitch to Thomas around the left side to score on the first play, fooling everyone in a Miami uniform and nobody else.
Buffalo leads 21-3
Down by at least a trillion in reality points, the Dolphins call an aggressive round of plays that include a wild overthrow of Banks and Mitchell's first interception. While nobody could blame him for his gutsiness, mostly because he didn't have much to begin with, mostly everyone could blame him for not throwing it to a wide open Mark Duper along the sidelines. Especially Mark Duper.
Buffalo puts an exclamation point on their divisional win with a pass to Lofton in triple coverage that leads to another Reed touchdown a play later. Everyone rejoices, mainly because they've made it through another Buffalo formality playoff win.
Final - Bills 28, Dolphins 3
Miami played well enough last week to bounce out a talented Cincinnati team, but it appears that extra week of play was just enough to ravage the Dolphins' already well-ravaged team. Since neither team remembered the running aspect of the game, Bills appears to be very lucky that Marino was hooked up to an IV drip by their second drive, otherwise his 195 yards and 2 picks might actually have been a bad thing. With the season series being split this year, Buffalo wins the tiebreaker in the most meaningful spot to advance to the AFC Championship against the winner of the Oilers/Seahawks game tomorrow. So with that in mind, we can bet that they've already booked their tickets to Houston for the most bland, sterile Championship game since any BCS Bowl game, ever.
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San Francisco 49ers (11-6) at 2
Washington Redskins (10-6)
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Before the Madden curse, there was the
"Play Against San Francisco in the Playoffs" Curse |
Quarter One
Four plays in, and Mark Rypien is put on the IR. It's after this point that I was perfectly fine with walking away and warming up my soup to sit down with and watch the other-dimension Niners play the Saints on TV. Backup QB and pride of Northeast Louisiana University, Stan Humphries comes in and efficiently drives the team down for a touchdown behind Earnest Byner. Maybe this game will live up to the hype, after all.
Washington leads 7-0
The 49ers move quickly and earnestly down the field behind a few power runs from Tom Rathman, but at the Washington 36-yard line they are stalled. Mike Cofer comes on to nail it from 53-yards out, knowing points are at a premium against this number-2 ranked defense.
Washington leads 7-3
Humphries can't recapture the magic from the first drive, as the Redskins go 3-and-out. This is usually the point in a 49ers game where the tide turns like a South Beach tsunami on the opposing team, so with that picture in mind, I was all ready to put on my boots and start clearing out the snow that had started to dump on us outside.
Quarter Two
San Francisco puts together another solid drive behind Tom Rathman and the questionably healthy Roger Craig, but once again are surprisingly halted near the red zone. Cofer draws the 49ers closer with another field goal, this time from 35 yards out, calling on the doom clouds to move in.
Washington leads 7-6
The Redskins have ample time to answer with 1:47 before the half, but Pierce Holt has other plans, sacking Humphries twice and forcing Washington to punt back to his team. With 22 seconds left, Montana has more than enough time to throw the daggers he mysteriously snuck in on the flight to D.C.
The 49ers gain some yardage, but not enough before the half. Fortunately for them, they'll have another chance afterwards to cause a collective heartbreak so loud it'll be heard in Falls Church.
Halftime - Redskins 7, 49ers 6
Quarter Three
The 49ers finally score after a long Montana run, with Tom Rathman walking in from 2 yards out. They take the lead on the inevitable junk yards given up by Washington, but we'll give credit where credit is due to Montana, a man with the legs of a geriatric pole dancer, and say "way to inspire your team to remember that they like to cheat."
San Francisco leads 13-7
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| Some acrobatic moves by the Redskin on the 33 |
Byner and his Redskins answer strongly with a long, drawn-out drive of short strikes from Humphries sandwiching a 45-yard sprint from Byner. As the quarter pulls to a close, the Redskins retake the lead with a 13-yard scamper from Byner. And so where other teams caved in to the pressure of playing the 49ers in January, Washington appears to have no quit yet, even with their grand offensive wizard down for the count.
They're all in for making this a game, and for that, I'm ready to let my soup get cold again and crack open another Schlitz.
Washington leads 14-13
Quarter Four
The 49ers take two plays to score again, behind a long catch-and-run from Jerry Rice and a John Taylor dive in the end zone. Just as I caught myself going through my normal routine of cuss words saved for this particular time of the Tecmo year, I realize that Washington still has a lot of time on the clock.
San Francisco leads 20-14
And a bad Cofer kick doesn't hurt. The Redskins start at midfield behind their new captain, Stan Humphries, a man they've been forced to accept whether they wanted to or not. He doesn't steer them wrong, humbly letting Gary Clark and Earnest Byner take the reins on two back-to-back 20+ yard runs that get Washington into the end zone and put the onus back on their defense for the final two and a half minutes.
Washington leads 21-20
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| The fans show disapproval with a poop-themed 'wave' |
San Francisco takes a poor Chip Lohmiller kick out to the NFL shield, and from there start driving Rathman and Craig down Washington's throats. Facing a pivotal 3rd-and-6 at the 'Skins' 27-yard line, the 49ers call the Rathman off-tackle, a play that will either keep them the game or have them packing their bags in an improbable upset. Rathman takes the ball with no intention of stopping, but doesn't even face the possibility of having that concept challenged as he runs into the end zone uncontested to put San Francisco up by a now seemingly insurmountable lead at this point in the game.
San Francisco leads 27-21
Washington needs a touchdown. They need it, and the football gods above, those very same ones that would one day conceive a man they'd name 'Tebow' for his unwavering courage and irresistible smile, have decided to only give the Redskins 1 minute and 9 seconds with which to score. Because of this tense situation and all that is riding on the line, I've decided to break this drive down, in the case it later is turned into something that inspires the next Sam Spence classic.
1:09, Washington 38-yard line: Gary Clark runs a successful reverse play 10 yards, but eats up twenty seconds of the clock. The Redskins call their second time out.
:47, Washington 48-yard line: Clark pulls in a pass up the middle and dashes to the 49ers' 36-yard line. Washington calls their final time out.
:26, San Francisco 36-yard line: Humphries is massively blitzed, losing 6 yards and a few nerve endings in his tailbone.
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| Another classic in the making |
:20, San Francisco 36-yard line: For all intensive purposes, it's the final play of the game barring a sack or a terribly called run play despite all of Earnest Byner's previous success. Luckily for us, Humphries decides to drop back. Unluckily for Washington, all of their receivers are dutifully covered in or near the end zone. Heaving it up on a wing and a prayer, the ball takes off in a wobbly lame-duck formation. And what happens next will haunt me for the rest of my years, as my finger was not on the trigger in the one time I actually needed it to be...
In all my life as a Tecmo player, I've had to hear of the rare double-jump sequence. The truth is, despite me thinking I'd seen everything there was to see, I was never certain that I'd seen
this; perhaps I thought I did from all those years lying to my Tecmo peers with the hopes of looking cool, if that was a possibility. In any case, it was never really a concrete fact that I'd seen this play, the Holy Grail of Tecmo plays, so when I saw it here I nearly shit my pants, finally knowing now that it was something that I truly had never seen before and would most likely never be lucky enough to see again.
The Double Jump. A solitary war between two men--the loneliest men on the field. In this case, it was Ricky Sanders versus Don Griffin (most likely). It started with Sanders jumping as he sprinted into the end zone, something I was hoping to expect, and was ready for as I hit the 'Print Screen' button. But what followed was something so
unexpected that I froze, unable to capture the moment, and so for all you know I could just be lying. But trust me, I wouldn't lie about this. Not only because it would be the lamest lie ever, but because I know that the only people who'd still be following this blog would be die-hard Tecmoers, ones that I'd have no reason lying to about something as magical as this moment.
Sanders was in the air, but now Griffin was there too, ready to do battle a la Frazier versus Ali or Hogan versus Ultimate Warrior. One set of hands reached for the ball...but whose? Would this game end in a deserved interception of a sub-par passer like Humphries? Or would Sanders fight off the athletic Griffin to pull in a ball that would not only cement Washington's place in the NFC Championship, but knock out the un-knock-outable in the San Francisco 49ers? I'll let the following screen capture give you the outcome.
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| To Stan be the Glory |
Final - Redskins 28, 49ers 27
This is the reason we do it, folks. The reason we go through our monotonous days at work, slaving for the man, knowing that we can come home to a cold beer and a warm Nintendo controller. We may not always get the girl or beat the Bills, but we continue to play knowing that even after twenty years there's still a flicker of magic left in that old cartridge somewhere. However, the last place I'd ever look for that flicker is in a COM versus COM game, especially with the 49ers involved in a Divisional playoff game. But there it was, waiting for me, telling me..telling
us, "you made it this far, now here are your just deserts." Washington beats San Francisco and advances to the Championship. A team filled with mettle and finesse at the same time. A team that beat out its rival in New York on the last day for the division crown. And they defended it well here, while also gaining back a measure of respect for a division that the 49ers made a mockery of last week. Even without the double jump animation, this game would have been magical; whether it be for the unwavering confidence of Stan Humphries, the heart of Earnest Byner, or the inspired play of the defense, Washington is now a team of destiny. They await the winner of Green Bay and Minnesota, two teams that must now know they're going to be in for a real dogfight in the NFC Championship.
