Monday Night Football: Dallas vs. L.A. Raiders

Halloween week has never really been anything out of the ordinary for NFL fans. For a sport with people wearing cheese blocks on their heads, costumes aren't anything new. However, with the night in which demons are free to roam the earth fast approaching, we here at the Tecmo Bowl couldn't find a better game to feature than one including the Los Angeles Raiders. They're a group of misfit pirates cheered on by a band of miscreant barbarians with only one goal in mind: beat their opponents black and blue. If they should win a few games, that's a mere bonus; and this year's Raiders have done a decent job of that. Tonight, they'll face off against an upstart Dallas team which, on the surface, don't appear too fazed, but beneath have to be shivering in their spurs with the prospects of falling further down the rungs of their division. It's an important midseason battle between two hungry teams, and we're not editing it for content.

Quarter One
Future Boston College Hall-of-Famer Kelvin Martin is out on the field for Dallas, returning a Jeff Jaeger kick out to his own 45 yard line to start this ball game. The Raiders came ready to pillage the Dallas offense, destroying Emmitt Smith for a loss of 5 yards on the first play. As the black and silver scourge celebrate over their loot, however, Michael Irvin is on call to run the famous Irvin Reverse (not to be confused with the famous Irvin Curse that ran rampant through the Dallas locker room during training camp), regaining 12 yards. Emmitt's next run picks up 11 more yards to set up an Aikman pass out of the shotgun formation. Tight end Jay Novacek lays out for the dead duck, sliding head first into the end zone for the Cowboys' first score.

Dallas leads 7-0

Sam Graddy, Olympic gold medalist and Cherokee County Fair blue ribbon winner, is out to return the kick for the Raiders. After a humble run to the 14-yard line, Graddy will be spending some more time at home making his famous peach cobbler when a Dallas blocker inverts his knees. The Raiders spend two plays running their version of the 'Smith' draw, but just like their names, Steve's attempts are far less exciting than Emmitt's. On 3rd and 7, Jay Schroeder drops back to pass but bounces it off the fingertips of Tim Brown. Hide your wives, here comes Jeff Gossett out to punt!

Martin gets another solid return on the punt to the Cowboys' 45-yard line, from which the Aikman show is set to begin. A lateral pass to Smith picks up 5 yards, to be overshadowed by Troy's sack-dodging laser beam to Mr. Martin for an additional 40. Everyone's favorite Daryl, Mr. Johnston, gets his first rushing attempt of the day for 4 yards around the left side, which is capped off by Emmitt Smith picking up the final 11 for his first touchdown of the day.

Dallas leads 14-0

Just when everyone stopped wondering where the hell Marcus Allen was, he shows up as the backup kick returner to a man with pie filling for gloves. Allen returns the Dallas kickoff to his team's 38-yard line, and on Los Angeles' first play, Steve Smith strikes about as much fear as the confused boy dressed as the Pink Ranger for Halloween when he punches his way through for 6 yards. A Dallas blitz erases that gain when linebacker Robert Jones takes down Schroeder. On third down, the John Carpenter soundtrack kicks in as the body count continues to rise, with Godfrey Myles taking out his defender and leaving Jay Schroeder writhing on the ground surrounded by masked madmen.

Quarter Two
The final quarter before halftime begins with Gossett's second punt, a doozie that pins the Cowboys deep for the first time all game. Fortunately for Dallas, their league-leading rusher erases a good portion of that deficit with a 70-yard run in which he goes untouched by a single L.A. defender to the Raiders' 5-yard line. Aikman is out to connect on his second passing touchdown of the evening, a stinger to Michael Irvin in the back of the end zone.

Dallas leads 21-0

Allen makes another cameo appearance to return the kick to the Raiders' 38-yard line. The goblins from Dallas continue to torment Los Angeles' offense, however, shutting Dickerson out on his first two plays of the game. Schroeder escapes another blitz, connecting on his first pass to Tim Brown for 22 yards. The Cowboys continue to bring the heat, but the suddenly calculating Raiders' offense is clicking with a couple of nice Dickerson runs followed by a perfect lob into the waiting arms of Willie Gault at the Dallas 2-yard line. Eric Dickerson completes the drive with a touchdown for his team, his tenth of the season.

Dallas leads 21-7

Martin continues to pave the path for his team's success with his third kick return past the 40-yard line, though an Anthony Smith sack of Aikman pushes them back 11 yards. A pass to Renaissance Man Martin erases the deficit, though on third down Troy's pass is tipped at the line. One of the 35 people listed on Wikipedia's page for notable names out of Arcadia, California, John Saxon makes an appearance to punt the ball just inside the goal line.

With 9 seconds left in the half, it was a perfect opportunity for a Steve Smith run up the middle. Of course, being they're the Raiders, they couldn't even follow that simple formula, and instead unleashed Schroeder to toss a short pass to Willie Gault, who somehow outran every Dallas defender to put this once-runaway game back within reach at halftime.

Dallas leads 21-14

Halftime - Cowboys 21, Raiders 14

Quarter Three
After the momentum shift that caused the San Andreas fault to crack open a few inches wider, the Raiders came back out to start a possible game-tying drive. Starting at their own 38-yard line, L.A.'s offensive line suddenly found themselves running from the man in the Robert Jones costume, allowing his second sack of Schroeder this evening. Somehow, Cool Jay was able to compose himself long enough to find Tim Brown for another 20+-yard completion for a fresh set of downs. However, with the shades of Schroeder's Jones-plagued past continuing to haunt his dreams, he's unable to connect with Gault on the next two plays, the second of which getting intercepted by a mysterious stranger, known to some as 'Clayton Jones'.

Michael Irvin sandwiches a long Emmitt Smith run with two reverse plays, one for 13 yards and one for a loss of two that knocks them back to the Los Angeles 3-yard line. Smith finishes the job with a draw play to pick up his second rushing score.

Dallas leads 28-14

Marcus Allen, apparently happy with his week's paycheck, coughs up the football at his own 45-yard line to give his team's opponent the ball back up by two scores. The witching hour has begun early for the silver and black.

Aikman goes back to the air, finding his favorite target of the evening in Kelvin Martin for 33-yard to the Raiders' 1-yard line. Once again on the precipice of danger, Los Angeles' defense holds tough for one of the three required plays to force a field goal. The second required play results in Smith's third touchdown.

Dallas leads 35-14

Apparently missing the no-fumble clause in his modified contract, Allen is back out to return the kick to near midfield. Eric Dickerson picks up 20 yards in the final play of the third quarter.

Quarter Four
Despite the promising start of the drive, the treats continue to elude the Raiders' offense when Schroder finds another Clayton Holmes razorblade in his apple.

With the Cowboys cruising, the Los Angeles defense returns for the first time since the first play of the first quarter to stop Dallas on a three-and-out to get the ball back with just over 3 minutes on the game clock. They'll have to also contend with a long field after a booming John Saxon punt pins them behind their own 20-yard line. Jay Schroeder runs out to the field, eliciting the loudest screams of the night.

In about two plays and five seconds, the Raiders are already facing a 3rd-and-9 situation, once again bailed out by the ghost of Eric Dickerson's career when he's able to gouge out a nice 22-yard run. A short 5-yard dash and a near-pick follow up this play, putting Los Angeles back in the belly of the beast. Dickerson is once again entrusted with saving this drive, and does so with a catch-and-run in coverage to the Dallas 14-yard line. The two-headed dinosaur of Steve Smith and Dickerson pick up 9 yards over the next two plays, and on a 3rd-and-1 game-changer, the Cowboys' blitz gobble up Smith for a yard loss. Facing 4th-and-2 at the 6-yard line, the Dallas defense once again locks its eyes on Smith with a blitz to end the drive, calling into question the strange late-game decisions of both coaching staffs.

Aikman pleases Tecmo fantasy players everywhere with a 57-yard heave to Martin to close out the game, padding both mens' stats and ruining one guy's week for playing Ivory Lee Brown over Martin.

Final: Cowboys 35, Raiders 14

It was another blowout on Monday Night Football, this time with the Dallas Cowboys storming their way back over .500 with the Raiders as their victims. Los Angeles enters their bye week licking a few wounds, their once promising ground game exposed alongside a defense that sat around picking daisies rather than imitating the gory Gwar-like massacres by their fans in the parking lots before (and after) the game. Emmitt Smith had another career day to keep himself at the top of the league's rushers, and with some important divisional games coming up it'll be up to him to keep his team afloat in the race. Despite the rout, I'd say we had some fun cavorting up and down the streets of the Tecmo Bowl's eighth Monday Night Football game. There were tricks like Willie Gault's miracle run as the half expired, treats like seeing Kelvin Martin break out as a star in the Dallas defense. And of course, there were the unspeakable horrors each time Jay Schroeder lofted up a pass. All in all, another successful All Hallow's Eve week here at the Tecmo Bowl, with just enough time left to feast on the strange powedery candy given out by Nate Newton's mom.

Monday Night Football: Buffalo vs L.A. Raiders

Also a great combo: french fries and mayonnaise

Thought we'd forgotten about you sixteen Buffalo Bills fans out there, eh? Yes, it's been a while since we put the Bills in our spotlight, and during that time they've flown under the radar into prime positioning in the AFC. Out on the west coast, Los Angeles has done their best to muddle up their division, even as Jay Schroeder continues giving his coaches aneurysms. The Raiders play host to the surging Bills, and even with the playoff implications involved it still looks like a one-sided affair on paper. Hopefully L.A. will keep Bo and Marcus enticed long enough with endorsements and book deals that they'll actually bust through the porous Buffalo defense for an upset win at home.

Casualty No. 3662 in the Bills-Reed murder rampage

Quarter One
Just as we start to consider giving the Bills the benefit of Japanese programming-induced doubt, they go ahead and win the coin toss, those shitbricks. Anyway, things start looking up for Los Angeles right away as they're able to actually bat away a pass to James Lofton and stonewall Thurman Thomas for no gain on second down. On third down, or what Buffalo calls "second-and-a-half" down, QB Bills avoids an all-out Raiders blitz and finds Andre Reed at the Los Angeles 37-yard line. Two plays later, he connects with Reed again, whose souped-up skills cause his defender to freeze and fall down, letting Reed waltz into the end zone for a score.

Buffalo leads 7-0

From their own 29-yard line, the Raiders go with the popular "keep the ball the fuck away from Jay Schroeder" play by handing it to Marcus Allen, who bobs and weaves for 17 yards. They follow this up with the far less popular "meh, what's the worst that could happen?" play by letting Schroeder lob it up to two Buffalo defenders--the only two defenders that have ever simultaneously intercepted a ball in Tecmo history, at least to my knowledge.

On the Bills next drive, they start conservative with a Jamie Mueller run for one yard. Once again, Lofton is denied participation in Buffalo's skullduggery, and so on 3rd-and-9 he goes for skullfuckery instead with a reception up the middle for 22 yards. One play later, Bills finds Reed wide open in the end zone for some reason, and Buffalo's only up by two touchdowns on two possessions.

Buffalo leads 14-0

Los Angeles gets another shot from their own 36. Schroeder drops back to pass, but smartly turns it into a run play instead when he dumps it off to Allen, who's able to hustle it out 30 yards to the Buffalo 34-yard line. A wave of Buffalo washes over Schroeder on the next play, dropping him back 9 yards, but Allen makes that up and more with a 25-yard run to the Buffalo 18-yard line as the quarter expires.

Despite his absence, this play was all-Schroeder

Quarter Two
In a play that can only be described as "average for a normal NFL offense", Schroeder threads the football up the middle to Allen of all people for an 18-yard touchdown reception.

Buffalo leads 14-7

Mississippi State's own Don Smith is injured on the run-back for Buffalo, bringing Kenneth Davis off his all-important "towel and Gatorade" duty as the new returner. Buffalo runs a rare three-and-out play sequence, and I nearly missed it during my undressing-with-the-eyes of that cheerleader on the 35-yard line.

Tim Brown returns the punted football to the Raiders' 20-yard line, a good spot to set up the soap box derby car that is Marcus Allen. He races down field on the first two plays for 15 yards, but Coach Art Shell quickly puts on the brakes before he catches flames, and sends his quarterback some passing signals. The first one is a failed pass to Mervyn Fernandez, while the next two don't even get off the ground when Schroeder loses yardage on two sacks.

Buffalo makes things interesting with a nearly blocked punt of USFL heartthrob Jeff Gossett. Al Edwards returns the punt to the Buffalo 13-yard line with about a minute and a half to go in the quarter. Thurman Thomas does his best Jamie Mueller impression with a 5-yard run that takes up about 30 seconds as he bops a few defenders, while Mueller does his best QB Bills impression by cowering from the onslaught of silver and black headed his way. On 3rd-and-6, Thomas picks up the first down, but now there's just under a minute to go. The Raiders taste the upper eastern-seaboard blood in the water, and take charge with two straight blitzes. The second one is blown up, however, when Bills rocket launches the ball to a wide-open Thomas, who choo-choos his way down to the Los Angeles 16-yard line. With just 8 seconds left, the Bills open the gate from which Scott Norton bursts forth. Just 8 seconds later, however, something else on Norton bursts forth when his kick shanks off the right upright and Buffalo is denied a 10-point lead at the half.

Anyone else notice 'NORWOOD' is just two letters away from 'NO GOOD'?

Halftime - Bills 14, Raiders 7

Quarter Three
The Raiders get another opportunity with the kickoff, and Brown sets his team up at the 38-yard line. Marcus Allen continues to bear the load with 20 yards on two more carries. Luckily Schroeder lifts the heavy weight off of his shoulders when his pass to Willie Gault is easily picked off around the Buffalo 25-yard line.

QB Bills unpackages his gift possession with a sloppy out-of-bounds throw, followed by an 11-yard loss from a Scott Davis sack. On 3rd-and-21, Howie Long plunges his square jaw into Bills' midsection, dropping him for another 10-yards. Rick Tuten is on to punt from 5 yards inside his own end zone, and due to the help of some Kentucky Bourbon and PEDs, he's able to rack the punt for 85 yards.

How Allen made white rubber dishwashing gloves famous

From their own 37-yard line, Schroeder hitches his team up to his rotting apple cart as he throws a pass to some Japanese photogs on the sideline. He makes up for it with a 12-yard run to midfield for the first down, however, a good time to unleash Ro-Bo Jackson, who'd apparently been encountering some prior technical difficulties. Jackson takes his first carry 43 yards down to the Buffalo 7-yard line, but like a Motorola cell phone battery immediately needs to be recharged. Schroeder drops back to pass, and with four receivers open he opts for that one dude with the spikes coming out of his neck in the second row. On second down, Allen is served up the ball, and he runs it in for his second touchdown of the day.

Score tied 14-14

Doesn't L.A. know there's no kneeling in Tecmo?

The third of four quarters slowly and lazily winds down with Buffalo taking possession of the football and immediately scoring on a 72-catch and run play from Bills to Reed. Although I just wrote this sentence, I swear I am not into rape or torture. Just a little harmless BDSM.

Buffalo leads 21-14

Quarter Four
With an entire five minutes at their disposal, Coach Shell sends out his best personification of said disposal with Schroeder scrambling and getting sacked twice in a row. Marcus Allen bails him out with a run up the middle to the 50-yard line, racking up some fool-making commission along the way. The drive stalls with another batted away pass to Fernandez and a run from Bo Jackson that can't burst around the edge. Facing 3rd-and-8, Fernandez finally makes his own play happen when he runs back to an underthrown Schroeder pass and then proceeds to miraculously jog down to the Buffalo 9-yard line. One play later, and Jackson is in on the party with a run up the middle to paydirt.

Score tied 21-21

The Buffalo Bills being butthole bastards. Alliteration!

With a robust 2:22 remaining and Buffalo at prime starting position at their own-42, the world is Bills' oyster and he's ready to make some crab cakes. Los Angeles brings the monster blitz on two straight plays, which works out nicely in their favor as Buffalo suddenly faces a strange 3rd-and-10 play. With two minutes to go, Bills' pass to Lofton is handily broken up, and the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum lets out a breath of sewage-infested air when there's not a flag in sight. Of course, Buffalo opts for a fourth down play with more than a minute and a half to go. Bills goes to his go-to guy in Reed, and I'll tell you, if I ever find out who that corner is that keeps falling down, I'm going to buy him a new pair of Reeboks gosh darn it! Reed trucks it out to the Los Angeles 8-yard line, where the Raiders surprisingly stand solid on the next set of downs, despite giving up more than a minute. Norwood sneaks out of the pen and boots it in from 21 yards out, but the only one calling him a hero is his new pair of underpants.

Buffalo leads 24-21

With just 22 seconds remaining, the Raiders go for the sure thing and use up the Allen up-the-middle run. It's make or break time for Allen, and he breaks the hearts of true-blue Tecmoers everywhere when he runs into his own line for no gain. One play later, and Schroeder's pass to Jackson near mid-field is batted away as the clock winds down on another bull shit win by the Bills.

Final Score: Bills 24, Raiders 21

I promised myself to be fair and impartial in my retelling of this epic contest, but even I am not worthy of holding up promises to when it comes to Buffalo's vanquishing of teams that are admittedly inferior but would otherwise be infinitely more exciting to see in the postseason. We can take some solace in the fact that if Andre Reed were removed from the equation today, the Raiders would be paving their way to a rare position in the AFC playoffs. Unfortunately, just like the setting sun or your boss' condescending glare, Reed will always be there pulling down impossible passes from QB Bills and making defenders fall down in their own stupid intimidation. Los Angeles has made it interesting with their midseason surge, and if they can keep up efforts like Allen's, we may still see them after all in the next few weeks. Meanwhile, if Buffalo broke off and was claimed by Canada, I wouldn't mind if we also threw in some Cold Stone ice cream to sweeten the deal.

 

Football Night in America: L.A. Raiders vs Atlanta

The ATL is so white-hot, even night becomes day

Tonight we travel to Hot-lanta for a showdown between two teams of which even Faith Hill couldn't find anything good to sing about. The Raiders and Falcons share an 0-6 record, and although one of those teams will walk out tonight with their first win, we can be assured of losing a small piece of ourselves for watching it happen. Although the season will only be a quarter finished after tonight, the chances we'll be seeing these teams again in the playoffs is very slim considering the kind of competition they face within their own division, and so it's important for the players of both teams to come out swinging. Hopefully for the Raiders, Bo Jackson has the night off from playing left field for the Angels.

Quarter One

In his haste, Allen inadvertently tends to literally
'shred' defenders apart

Greg Davis graciously kicks the ball over to Tim Brown of the Los Angeles incarnation of the Raiders, who takes it out from the back of the end zone to the Raiders 5-yard line. Bo Jackson is called into the game, and fortunately for L.A., Bo knows safeties, and therefore barely avoids one while still losing 2 yards. Art Shell sticks with the ground game nonetheless, and it pays off when Jackson regains the lost yardage, plus 10 more yards, for a first down. The second half of Los Angeles' two-headed running monster, Marcus Allen, gains a total of 45 yards on the next two runs, pushing the drive to the Falcons' 38-yard line. Jay Schroeder then drops back for his first passing attempt of the game, and to the delight of Raiders fans everywhere it falls harmlessly incomplete. Bo Jackson takes the next hand-off up the middle for a 38-yard touchdown run, which the coaching staff hopes should send a hint to the notoriously clueless Schroeder.

Los Angeles leads 7-0

Keith Jones, who nobody mistakes for Prime Time Deion, returns the kick to the Atlanta 17. Chris Miller gets to work quickly with a 37 yard strike to Michael Haynes, and automatically falls behind in the race for worst quarterback of the day. Luckily for Chris Miller fans, his next pass is batted away, and then intercepted by Riki Ellison just near midfield.

Bo Jackson is the ball-carrier for the first play from scrimmage, which is good for 8 yards. The second play from scrimmage is a Schroeder lob to Mervyn Fernandez for a 47-yard touchdown, angering Jackson fantasy owners everywhere.

Los Angeles leads 14-0 

It's all about who wants it more

Atlanta renews their previously failed drive at their own 41-yard line. Miller wildly overthrows Andre 'Bad Moon' Rison on first down, and then completely misses Albert Haynes 'Her Way' on second down. The next play is called from the shotgun, and the results are remarkably different when Rison has to leap 15 feet into the air to pull down the pass. Apparently the effort took a lot out of Rison's upper arm strength, and he fumbles the ball over to Terry McDaniel upon landing back on earth. The quarter mercifully ends for Atlanta, which still doesn't know that the score won't reset at the beginning of the next quarter.



Quarter Two
From the 40-yard line, Allen scoots over the left side for a quick 14-yard gain into Atlanta territory. The Raiders return to the same play when Schroeder reminds them of his passing deficiency, which is good for another 18 yards to the Falcons' 28. Bo Jackson shows off his versatility on the next two plays with two short receptions, one while locked in an everlasting struggle with an Atlanta defender. One play and a Michael Reid sack later, it's 3rd and 3. Schroeder misinterprets the need for more than a 3-yard gain, and only runs for two. Jeff Jaeger is on for his first act of heroism on the day with a 28-yard chip shot.

Los Angeles leads 17-0

Atlanta begins their third attempt for a score at their own 37-yard line. Miller is blitzed, and wisely throws the ball to Rison in triple coverage for an incompletion. The next two passes also go incomplete, with one nearly beheading the guy filling Gatorade cups on the sidelines, and Miller is suddenly back in the thick of the hunt for QB ineptitude. Scott Fulhage is on to punt, and pins the Raiders at their own 9-yard line with just over a minute to go in the half.

The Falcons fans in attendance seem to watch every play
with a startling indifference

Marcus Allen defies the rules of time and space that us normal humans have to abide by, and runs 75 yards in just 30 seconds, dodging multiple tackles along the way. Art Shell, always the gentleman, decides not to run up the score and sends Jaeger out for another 3 points, despite the fact that Bo Jackson is frothing at the mouth with 24 seconds left on the clock.

Los Angeles leads 20-0

Keith Jones fumbles the return kick over to Mike Harder, whose 3-yard run takes up the final 15 seconds of the half, much to the Falcons' and Mike Harder's doctors' delight.

Halftime - Raiders 20, Falcons 0

Quarter Three
Keith Jones gets another chance for redemption, and does so when his return stretches all the way to the Atlanta 15-yard line. The Falcons' halftime speech must have consisted of a lot of screaming and mentions of Mike Rozier, because he takes the next two pitches for a total of 18 yards. The well is found empty on a third Rozier pitch, when the Raiders blitz him for a loss of 5. Two plays later, on third and fifteen, Miller goes back to the air, and while Floyd Dixon valiantly lunges for the ball, it floats a few yards in front and fifteen rows to the side of him to some lucky Japanese businessmen who have no idea that this was the unintended result of the play and cheer quietly in their seats.

Merry Christmas from the Schroeders

Tim Brown makes a nice return of the Fulhage punt this time, and the Raiders start inside their de-facto red zone from their own 32-yard line. Allen's run for no gain is rightfully upstaged by Bo Jackson's dash around the right end for 57 yards. No one feels more upstaged than Jackson, however, when on the next play, Schroeder scores on an 11-yard scramble.

Los Angeles leads 27-0

Atlanta, always living the hard-knock life, have to start, once again, on their own side of the field. Nobody has it tougher than Chris Miller, who has yet another pass to Rison batted away which, while it angers his football fans, gives him even more street cred. Mike Rozier is involved again with a run over the right end for 14 yards, but Atlanta's life support seems to have been unplugged about fifteen minutes ago, and Rozier is sadly pumping a dead heart. Chris Miller stands undaunted, however, and then runs, screeching and flailing his arms, as the Raiders defense chases him for 12 yards as the quarter ends.

Quarter Four

The Raiders live to rout Atlanta another day

Miller segues the quarters beautifully with a batted away pass to Rison in the end zone. Bob Golic gets his mandatory sack in for the day, and it's suddenly 3rd-and-19 and the Falcons are in panic mode. Luckily, Miller gains his composure in time for another consistently batted away pass, and it's fourth down. Showing off a balanced mixture of testicular fortitude and resigned failure, Jerry Glanville keeps the offense on the field for fourth down and calls a Mike Rozier pitch, and all that matters is that the ensuing run was something less than the necessary nineteen yards.

Starting in what was originally known as Atlanta territory, now renamed Bo Jacksonopolis, the Raiders quickly get to work in using the Falcons as a trampoline with a 42 1/2 yard run by Jackson, who falls the remaining 1/2 yard short of his second touchdown of the day. On first and goal, Schroeder keeps the tourniquet on for at least one more play with an incomplete pass, but Allen promptly rips it loose with an untouched run up the middle. The field soon runs red with Atlanta's blood and half-filled slurpee cups tossed out by the dejected Falcons' fans.

Los Angeles leads 34-0

Jones runs out from his own end zone into the listlessness of Atlanta's future with an 18 yard return. Michael Haynes is immediately overthrown, and three Raiders defenders keep each other from intercepting the ball. After a Rozier 2-yard run , it's 3rd and 8. Haynes is the target once again, but can't dig down deep enough to keep this promising drive alive, and it's fourth down. With just over two minutes to go, Glanville slices open his stomach and lets his intestines drop to the field, apparently misinterpreting the need to reveal his guts. Unfortunately, this brave display goes to waste when Miller runs the ball for only 3 yards, giving the ball over to Los Angeles at the Atlanta 23 with plenty of time left for Glanville to get his guts reinstalled while watching his team get their throats throttled.

Jay Schroeder gets his second passing touchdown of the day with a quick pass to a wide-open Fernandez in the back of the end zone. If you need more superfluous language describing this play, you're a fucking masochistic bastard.

Los Angeles leads 41-0

Floyd Knows Sandwich Receptions

Atlanta gets good field position on the next drive at their own 43, with a decent amount of time left and a few time-outs to manage the drive efficiently. Unfortunately for them, they are Atlanta. Luckily, the Falcons avoid having to call their first time out when Miller's toss goes over his own oblivious coach's head. Floyd Dixon then pulls in a long pass at the Los Angeles 22-yard line, but the reception is in bounds and the Falcons are forced to call a time-out. Dixon is berated for the entire 30 seconds as he's carted off the field with an apparent injury to his dignity. With 31 seconds left, Rozier misses the memo as well when his bold 2-yard run is stopped in bounds. He makes up for his indiscretion when, on the next play, he busts up the middle and sheds multiple defenders as the crowd chants 'Rudy! Rudy!', all the while a brass-and-strings orchestra accompanies his brash and gutsy 20-yard run for the first, and because of time expiring, last Atlanta touchdown of the game.

Los Angeles leads 41-7

Final: Raiders 41, Falcons 7

It wasn't a pretty sight, but we here at The Tecmo Bowl didn't promise you Rita Hayworth. The Raiders get an all-too-necessary win here to keep up with their infighting divisional rivals, while the Falcons get the pleasure in knowing they play New Orleans next week. While they both came into the game winless, the Raiders seemed to be in a different league than the Falcons, and that can be made obvious by 11% completion percentage for Chris Miller. While Jay Schroeder's passing yards weren't Hall of Fame-worthy, his efficiency was, with both of his completed passes to Mervyn Fernandez going in for scores. However, the ultimate elephant in the room is Bo Jackson, and if Bo Knows Elephants like we think he does, he must know that his outstanding performance was due in part to the blackout of 'Bo Knows Tecmo' shirts we called for earlier in the day. The Raiders continue to live for another week when they go to San Francisco, and if Bo Knows Disney movies like we hope he does, Los Angeles could keep their Cinderella season alive.