Week Five: Where the Big Boys Play

This week we bring out the big guns and pit a few 3-1 teams against each other, for your collective pleasure, of course. In addition, the other games are sure to provide exciting storylines and interesting water-cooler talk. It's the time of the season where the fresh, new football smell has worn off and teams are getting down and dirty. Though it may be too early for playoff predictions, we can all agree that even with the entire AFC Central off today, Warren Moon will still be away from his children for yet another Christmas.

1:00 Games

Jay Schroeder just knows how to win.

L.A. Raiders (1-3) at San Francisco (1-3)

Hot off their Monday night win just a week ago, the Raiders marched into San Francisco, and marched out wiping Joe Montana off their jerseys. Winless just a week ago, the Raiders now have two big inter-conference victories under their belts. Although Bo Jackson was a bit more silent, Joe Schroeder screamed his way into relevance with 205 passing yards and no interceptions for the first time since he was picked next-to-last in his son's flag football league.

Final Score: Raiders 24, 49ers 17

Indianapolis (2-2) at Seattle (3-1)

The Seahawks represented their tough division well here in stifling the Colts, who badly needed a win to keep their Cinderella season on solid ground. Seattle's defense returned, holding Indianapolis to a goose egg in the last two quarters of play and picking Jeff George off 4 times. Dave Krieg wasn't his all-star self, with only 73 yards of passing, but his defense kept him in the game long enough to sign his Playgirl cover shoots on the sidelines.

Final Score: Seahawks 20, Colts 10

New York Giants (1-3) at Dallas (3-1)

The New York Football Giants entered the hostile environment of their divisional rivals in Dallas, and outscored them 9-0 in the fourth quarter to pull out a huge win. Phil Simms earned his job for another week with an 83% connection rate and 235 yards passing, while Babe Laufenberg stood on the sidelines having his jock re-fitted after Troy Aikman only threw 89 yards and two picks. The Giants are still playing with a handicap, but now that handicap is no longer known as David Meggett.

Final Score: Giants 23, Dallas 14

Nobody is more upset about this injury than John Stephens

New England (1-3) at Phoenix (0-4)

The Patriots once again played the remedy to a winless team's ailments, and let Johnny Johnson run all over them for 158 yards on 15 attempts. In comparison, the Patriots two running backs have a total of 157 yards on the year, and that's not going to get any better with John Stephens getting knocked out early in this one. We picked the Patriots to only win 2 games this year, and even with one win under their belt we still think that may have been too optimistic.

Final Score: Cardinals 27, Patriots 6

New Orleans (1-3) at Atlanta (0-4)

Atlanta keeps the winning streak alive for the winless teams with a statement victory here over the Saints. Chris Miller was a man possessed with 248 yards and a few TDs to no interceptions, but perhaps Mike Rozier had a few more spirits consuming his soul as he rushed for an un-Rozier-like 110 yards on 11 attempts and a score to increase his season total yardage 150%. With the playing abilities shown today by Atlanta, they may have enough to finish ahead of the 49ers this season.

Final Score: Falcons 31, Saints 14

Too bad Humphrey can't kick extra points, too

Denver (3-1) at Minnesota (3-1)

The first of our big boy match-ups of the day, Denver visited Minnesota during a balmy, Indian-summer type of day, and were suddenly scalped by a late score to lose by one point, souring Bobby Humphrey's triumphant return. Wade Wilson and John Elway put up almost exactly similar numbers, hence the score, and the Vikings have now won four straight after a huge dinosaur turd of a performance to begin the season against Chicago. We're thinking Minnesota is here for real, but that would mean admitting that a Super Bowl-caliber team is one that includes Rick Fenney on the roster.

Final Score: Vikings 21, Broncos 20

Miami (2-2) at New York Jets (1-3)

It was a showdown of the two teams nobody pays attention to in the AFC East, and it lived up the the anti-hype. Mark Clayton went out before halftime with some sort of an injury, but the Dolphins were just fine without him, putting up 20 points in the fourth quarter and handily beating their little brothers in the division. Marino was super with 257 yards, and Mark Duper was super-duper with 120 yards receiving, but what this all means is that we'll just be let down that much more when Buffalo beats the 'Phins for the crown yet again.

Final Score: Dolphins 34, Jets 10

 4:00 Games

Detroit (1-3) at Tampa Bay (1-3)

Tampa Bay didn't need much help in this thumping of Detroit, but Rodney Peete did his best anyway with two picks and only 132 yards of passing. Vinny Testaverde had his best game yet with a 72% completion rate, but he was decidedly overshadowed by Reggie Cobb, who may or may not have had family in attendance when he ran 12 times for 120 yards. Cobb had two more touchdowns in this game than Barry Sanders has all season, but we're not telling you something you didn't already know.

Final Score: Buccaneers 27, Lions 14

Somewhere in the crowd, Norwood is cowering

Buffalo (3-1) at Chicago (3-1)

It was a battle of division leaders, but the divisions that they lead offer decidedly different challenges. Nonetheless, the Bears escaped with one here at home, keeping pace with Minnesota behind 105 Neal Anderson yards and 14 fourth quarter points. The Bills were even more powerful on offense, however, with Thurman Thomas slashing a stout Bears run defense for 158 yards, but with Scott Norwood booting the balls, even the best team can still lose by a missed extra point or two.

Final Score: Bears 28, Bills 27

Washington (3-1) at Philadelphia (3-1)

This was the premiere late-afternoon match-up, and the game offered some surprising firsts that we're ashamed to say we missed. First, Mark Rypien threw up his first pick of the year, and then threw up another for good measure to keep the Redskins out of the increasingly important win column. Secondly, the Eagles won with no rushing yards whatsoever from QB Eagles, leading us to believe that either he has hamstring issues, or Jim McMahon has had him tied up in the locker room the past few weeks in nothing but boxer shorts covered in little red hearts.

Final Score: Eagles 24, Redskins 17

Tecmo Sports News: Less Flash, More Cleveland Gary

Green Bay (3-1) at Los Angeles Rams (3-1)

The original write-up for this match indicated that both teams were horrible on paper, but somehow had enough to win the games they needed to. While Green Bay lived up to that analysis, the Rams, behind Jim Everett, blew those theories out of the water for good with 328 passing yards. Henry Ellard took down 5 passes for 140 yards, while the Los Angeles defense held the Packers to a total of 38 yards rushing. The Rams separate themselves even further from San Francisco, and if my print screen function goes down before I see the Division Champions screen plastered with John Robinson's shit-eating grin, I might choke a bitch.

Final Score: Rams 45, Packers 27

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Our apologies to all those Kansas City/San Diego fans waiting for their teams' turns in the spotlight tonight. Scheduling conflicts led to us pushing the Week 5 breakdown a day later into Monday Night Football territory, and so the AFC West battle will have to be pushed back as well. We did have a chance to travel in a wormhole to see the future, and you won't be let down by this showcase (especially if you're into watching Barry Word chug for 2.1 yards per carry every other play). A win by Kansas City will put them back into the thick of the hunt, but if they can't stop the Chargers here they might as well cash in their chips and send Steve De Berg on a nice vacation to an isolated desert island unreachable by Chiefs fans and Marty Schottenheimer.

Nobody said it was easy to be De Berg

Football Night in America: L.A. Raiders vs Atlanta

The ATL is so white-hot, even night becomes day

Tonight we travel to Hot-lanta for a showdown between two teams of which even Faith Hill couldn't find anything good to sing about. The Raiders and Falcons share an 0-6 record, and although one of those teams will walk out tonight with their first win, we can be assured of losing a small piece of ourselves for watching it happen. Although the season will only be a quarter finished after tonight, the chances we'll be seeing these teams again in the playoffs is very slim considering the kind of competition they face within their own division, and so it's important for the players of both teams to come out swinging. Hopefully for the Raiders, Bo Jackson has the night off from playing left field for the Angels.

Quarter One

In his haste, Allen inadvertently tends to literally
'shred' defenders apart

Greg Davis graciously kicks the ball over to Tim Brown of the Los Angeles incarnation of the Raiders, who takes it out from the back of the end zone to the Raiders 5-yard line. Bo Jackson is called into the game, and fortunately for L.A., Bo knows safeties, and therefore barely avoids one while still losing 2 yards. Art Shell sticks with the ground game nonetheless, and it pays off when Jackson regains the lost yardage, plus 10 more yards, for a first down. The second half of Los Angeles' two-headed running monster, Marcus Allen, gains a total of 45 yards on the next two runs, pushing the drive to the Falcons' 38-yard line. Jay Schroeder then drops back for his first passing attempt of the game, and to the delight of Raiders fans everywhere it falls harmlessly incomplete. Bo Jackson takes the next hand-off up the middle for a 38-yard touchdown run, which the coaching staff hopes should send a hint to the notoriously clueless Schroeder.

Los Angeles leads 7-0

Keith Jones, who nobody mistakes for Prime Time Deion, returns the kick to the Atlanta 17. Chris Miller gets to work quickly with a 37 yard strike to Michael Haynes, and automatically falls behind in the race for worst quarterback of the day. Luckily for Chris Miller fans, his next pass is batted away, and then intercepted by Riki Ellison just near midfield.

Bo Jackson is the ball-carrier for the first play from scrimmage, which is good for 8 yards. The second play from scrimmage is a Schroeder lob to Mervyn Fernandez for a 47-yard touchdown, angering Jackson fantasy owners everywhere.

Los Angeles leads 14-0 

It's all about who wants it more

Atlanta renews their previously failed drive at their own 41-yard line. Miller wildly overthrows Andre 'Bad Moon' Rison on first down, and then completely misses Albert Haynes 'Her Way' on second down. The next play is called from the shotgun, and the results are remarkably different when Rison has to leap 15 feet into the air to pull down the pass. Apparently the effort took a lot out of Rison's upper arm strength, and he fumbles the ball over to Terry McDaniel upon landing back on earth. The quarter mercifully ends for Atlanta, which still doesn't know that the score won't reset at the beginning of the next quarter.



Quarter Two
From the 40-yard line, Allen scoots over the left side for a quick 14-yard gain into Atlanta territory. The Raiders return to the same play when Schroeder reminds them of his passing deficiency, which is good for another 18 yards to the Falcons' 28. Bo Jackson shows off his versatility on the next two plays with two short receptions, one while locked in an everlasting struggle with an Atlanta defender. One play and a Michael Reid sack later, it's 3rd and 3. Schroeder misinterprets the need for more than a 3-yard gain, and only runs for two. Jeff Jaeger is on for his first act of heroism on the day with a 28-yard chip shot.

Los Angeles leads 17-0

Atlanta begins their third attempt for a score at their own 37-yard line. Miller is blitzed, and wisely throws the ball to Rison in triple coverage for an incompletion. The next two passes also go incomplete, with one nearly beheading the guy filling Gatorade cups on the sidelines, and Miller is suddenly back in the thick of the hunt for QB ineptitude. Scott Fulhage is on to punt, and pins the Raiders at their own 9-yard line with just over a minute to go in the half.

The Falcons fans in attendance seem to watch every play
with a startling indifference

Marcus Allen defies the rules of time and space that us normal humans have to abide by, and runs 75 yards in just 30 seconds, dodging multiple tackles along the way. Art Shell, always the gentleman, decides not to run up the score and sends Jaeger out for another 3 points, despite the fact that Bo Jackson is frothing at the mouth with 24 seconds left on the clock.

Los Angeles leads 20-0

Keith Jones fumbles the return kick over to Mike Harder, whose 3-yard run takes up the final 15 seconds of the half, much to the Falcons' and Mike Harder's doctors' delight.

Halftime - Raiders 20, Falcons 0

Quarter Three
Keith Jones gets another chance for redemption, and does so when his return stretches all the way to the Atlanta 15-yard line. The Falcons' halftime speech must have consisted of a lot of screaming and mentions of Mike Rozier, because he takes the next two pitches for a total of 18 yards. The well is found empty on a third Rozier pitch, when the Raiders blitz him for a loss of 5. Two plays later, on third and fifteen, Miller goes back to the air, and while Floyd Dixon valiantly lunges for the ball, it floats a few yards in front and fifteen rows to the side of him to some lucky Japanese businessmen who have no idea that this was the unintended result of the play and cheer quietly in their seats.

Merry Christmas from the Schroeders

Tim Brown makes a nice return of the Fulhage punt this time, and the Raiders start inside their de-facto red zone from their own 32-yard line. Allen's run for no gain is rightfully upstaged by Bo Jackson's dash around the right end for 57 yards. No one feels more upstaged than Jackson, however, when on the next play, Schroeder scores on an 11-yard scramble.

Los Angeles leads 27-0

Atlanta, always living the hard-knock life, have to start, once again, on their own side of the field. Nobody has it tougher than Chris Miller, who has yet another pass to Rison batted away which, while it angers his football fans, gives him even more street cred. Mike Rozier is involved again with a run over the right end for 14 yards, but Atlanta's life support seems to have been unplugged about fifteen minutes ago, and Rozier is sadly pumping a dead heart. Chris Miller stands undaunted, however, and then runs, screeching and flailing his arms, as the Raiders defense chases him for 12 yards as the quarter ends.

Quarter Four

The Raiders live to rout Atlanta another day

Miller segues the quarters beautifully with a batted away pass to Rison in the end zone. Bob Golic gets his mandatory sack in for the day, and it's suddenly 3rd-and-19 and the Falcons are in panic mode. Luckily, Miller gains his composure in time for another consistently batted away pass, and it's fourth down. Showing off a balanced mixture of testicular fortitude and resigned failure, Jerry Glanville keeps the offense on the field for fourth down and calls a Mike Rozier pitch, and all that matters is that the ensuing run was something less than the necessary nineteen yards.

Starting in what was originally known as Atlanta territory, now renamed Bo Jacksonopolis, the Raiders quickly get to work in using the Falcons as a trampoline with a 42 1/2 yard run by Jackson, who falls the remaining 1/2 yard short of his second touchdown of the day. On first and goal, Schroeder keeps the tourniquet on for at least one more play with an incomplete pass, but Allen promptly rips it loose with an untouched run up the middle. The field soon runs red with Atlanta's blood and half-filled slurpee cups tossed out by the dejected Falcons' fans.

Los Angeles leads 34-0

Jones runs out from his own end zone into the listlessness of Atlanta's future with an 18 yard return. Michael Haynes is immediately overthrown, and three Raiders defenders keep each other from intercepting the ball. After a Rozier 2-yard run , it's 3rd and 8. Haynes is the target once again, but can't dig down deep enough to keep this promising drive alive, and it's fourth down. With just over two minutes to go, Glanville slices open his stomach and lets his intestines drop to the field, apparently misinterpreting the need to reveal his guts. Unfortunately, this brave display goes to waste when Miller runs the ball for only 3 yards, giving the ball over to Los Angeles at the Atlanta 23 with plenty of time left for Glanville to get his guts reinstalled while watching his team get their throats throttled.

Jay Schroeder gets his second passing touchdown of the day with a quick pass to a wide-open Fernandez in the back of the end zone. If you need more superfluous language describing this play, you're a fucking masochistic bastard.

Los Angeles leads 41-0

Floyd Knows Sandwich Receptions

Atlanta gets good field position on the next drive at their own 43, with a decent amount of time left and a few time-outs to manage the drive efficiently. Unfortunately for them, they are Atlanta. Luckily, the Falcons avoid having to call their first time out when Miller's toss goes over his own oblivious coach's head. Floyd Dixon then pulls in a long pass at the Los Angeles 22-yard line, but the reception is in bounds and the Falcons are forced to call a time-out. Dixon is berated for the entire 30 seconds as he's carted off the field with an apparent injury to his dignity. With 31 seconds left, Rozier misses the memo as well when his bold 2-yard run is stopped in bounds. He makes up for his indiscretion when, on the next play, he busts up the middle and sheds multiple defenders as the crowd chants 'Rudy! Rudy!', all the while a brass-and-strings orchestra accompanies his brash and gutsy 20-yard run for the first, and because of time expiring, last Atlanta touchdown of the game.

Los Angeles leads 41-7

Final: Raiders 41, Falcons 7

It wasn't a pretty sight, but we here at The Tecmo Bowl didn't promise you Rita Hayworth. The Raiders get an all-too-necessary win here to keep up with their infighting divisional rivals, while the Falcons get the pleasure in knowing they play New Orleans next week. While they both came into the game winless, the Raiders seemed to be in a different league than the Falcons, and that can be made obvious by 11% completion percentage for Chris Miller. While Jay Schroeder's passing yards weren't Hall of Fame-worthy, his efficiency was, with both of his completed passes to Mervyn Fernandez going in for scores. However, the ultimate elephant in the room is Bo Jackson, and if Bo Knows Elephants like we think he does, he must know that his outstanding performance was due in part to the blackout of 'Bo Knows Tecmo' shirts we called for earlier in the day. The Raiders continue to live for another week when they go to San Francisco, and if Bo Knows Disney movies like we hope he does, Los Angeles could keep their Cinderella season alive.