Week Sixteen: Jack Pardee Nipping at Your Nose

The wrapping paper is off and the plates are sitting by the sink, caked in gravy and ham grease. You're sitting there, fireplace dying out, clothed in your new bathrobe and playing with your new Poetry Processor, the sounds of the football game fizzling behind you. It's Week Sixteen in the 1992 Tecmo Season, and either you're over the whole concept of football or you're just finally feeling the drool build up in the corners of your mouth. It's the week when playoff prognoses turn into realities and most teams are forced to carry their suitcases into their locker rooms. With eyes trained to look toward the New Year, the last week in December usually gets a bum rap. It's time we spice things up around here with our penultimate pronouncements of some passionate pigskin play!

 

1:00 Games

Green Bay (4-10) * L.A. Rams (7-7) 

Playoff Implications: Rams eliminated with a loss 

Los Angeles staves off the unavoidable for now with a passable win over the disappointing Packers. With the opportunity to spoil more than just the locker room egg nog, Green Bay cashed it in early with Favre unable to hit 100 yards passing against throwing 2 interceptions and Vince Workman leading the team in rushing with 46 yards on 7 attempts. Jim Everett put up 234 yards on his own, and the flashing bulbs reading "what could have been" over his head are never more noticeable.

Final Score: Rams 19, Packers 7

Houston (10-4) * Cleveland (7-7)

Playoff Implications: Oilers claim division with win

On the verge of falling short in an otherwise surprising season, the Browns not only pulled out an upset but solidly beat a Houston team with its sights set on a second consecutive division crown. Mike Tomczak reminded Warren Moon how a hungry quarterback plays with an uncharacteristic 278 passing yards (125 to Michael Jackson) and a 78% completion rating. With the win, Cleveland not only stays alive in the wild card but takes control of their destiny with a week remaining.

Final Score: Browns 28, Oilers 14

Dallas (9-5) * Atlanta (11-3)
Playoff Implications: Falcons clinch playoff berth with win
The Falcons slip up at perhaps the worst possible time in a division that was never a cake walk, falling to the red-hot Cowboys when a win could have put them in a possible division-clinching scenario. Chris Miller played less-than-inspired with just 140 yards and 3 picks, and though Troy Aikman wasn't much more exciting with 187 passing yards, his 0 interceptions and 90% completion rating have him in good shape for a deep playoff run. They put some distance between themselves and the wild card while also keeping the heat on Philadelphia.

Final Score: Cowboys 31, Falcons 10

San Diego (10-4) * L.A. Raiders (6-8)
Playoff Implications: Raiders eliminated with a loss
The Raiders are the second California team to avoid a playoff beheading with a season sweep of the now-reigning division champion San Diego Chargers. All Jay Schroeder had to do was sit back and let Stan Humphries show off his vulnerabilities, throwing just 104 yards with 3 interceptions. The Raiders win more convincingly this time around, keeping their heels entrenched in the mud. And though the Chargers were the first team in the postseason, they're now convincing most that they'll be the first out of it as well.

Final Score: Raiders 24, Chargers 7

Cincinnati (6-8) * New England (4-10)
Playoff Implications: Bengals eliminated with a loss
Cincinnati is the first team mercifully relieved of their duties after allowing the Patriots to score a late touchdown. Though New England has been nothing short of miserable, their glowing beacon in the night continues to be Kevin Turner, who put up not only another 100+ yard rushing game, but also caught 132 yards out of the backfield on just 3 receptions. His performance is enough to spoil a second showing in two years for the Bengals, giving Boomer a chance to bow of the season out as ungraciously as he entered it.

Final Score: Patriots 24, Bengals 21

Miami (10-3-1) * N.Y. Jets (7-6-1)
Playoff Implications: Dolphins claim division with win
                        Jets eliminate Raiders with win
In a divisional playoff that should have been, the Dolphins win the season series by actually defeating their divisional foe. The Jets beat Miami on the ground and, surprisingly, through the air, with Browning Nagle out-throwing Dan Marino 218 yards to 133, though it was obvious that Miami was comfortable with sitting back and letting the Jets self-destruct as they have all season. The Dolphins are the second team to swim into the playoffs, while the Raiders are able to hold their breath for another long week with New York losing.

Final Score: Dolphins 20, Jets 17

San Francisco (9-5) * Tampa Bay (6-8)
Playoff Implications: 49ers eliminated from NFC West with loss
In what will go down as perhaps the most befuddling chapter of the 49ers already puzzling season, the Buccaneers lay waste to a San Francisco team already wasted by a late-season slump that spelled their ultimate demise. Steve Young couldn't keep up with his old team, getting out-thrown by Vinny Testaverde 272 yards to 228, and though Tampa Bay was eliminated a week ago they still surprisingly play with enough heart to spoil the party for a team that nearly had their postseason spot etched in stone just a few weeks ago.

Final Score: Buccaneers 27, 49ers 24

Buffalo (9-5) * New Orleans (10-4)
Playoff Implications: Saints clinch playoff berth with win
Though the playoffs were more than an afterthought in Saints' fans minds halfway through the season, they now find the road a little tougher after falling victim to the hottest team in the NFL. The Buffalo Bills already claimed their second postseason trip with the Jets losing to Miami, yet handling a tough team in New Orleans was just as important to prove their mettle. Thurman Thomas is firmly entrenched in MVP talks with another stellar game of 111 yards on 14 attempts before injury, though with the berth the Bills hope to have their lame horse rested come playoff time.

Final Score: Bills 23, Saints 14

Minnesota (9-5) * Pittsburgh (8-6)
Playoff Implications: Steelers eliminated, Oilers clinch AFC Central with loss
The Vikings keep themselves alive with a needed win over the Steelers, while doing double duty by booting their opponents out of an improbable division race and allowing Houston to claim another backdoor title. Pittsburgh is dangerously close to letting their schizophrenic season be their undoing, with Barry Foster's 90 yards on 9 attempts not good enough to cover Neil O'Donnell's neck-straining performance of just 22 passing yards. The Steelers need help into the playoffs, but once there it may be a matter of who's willing to take "The Beard" out to pasture anyway.

Final Score: Vikings 24, Steelers 14

4:00 Games

Denver (5-9) * Seattle (4-10)

Playoff Implications: None

John Elway had a quietly consistent game in what was set to be a snoozer in the AFC West, throwing 235 yards with 91% of his passes reaching his receivers. Stan Gelbaugh was also efficient enough, keeping the ball out of the hands of his opponents. Though the book of both teams' seasons were written and closed early on, it's still possible for them to put on a performance like this that gives us hope for seasons to come. It's also possible that playing in an empty, silent arena helps the level of play as well. 

Final Score: Broncos 28, Seahawks 24

N.Y. Giants (5-9) * Kansas City (3-11)

Playoff Implications: None

While there's one story going on with teams in the playoff hunt, there's another one going on somewhere near the bottom of the barrel between teams hustling to not be the worst when the dust is settled. Kansas City gets just their fourth win in 16 tries by playing against one of those rare quarterbacks that is actually worse than Dave Krieg in a Kansas City uniform. The game was won by Kansas City through the air, with Krieg finding the unlikely Barry Word for 101 yards, a number Hostetler only has wet dreams about.

Final Score: Chiefs 28, Giants 21

Detroit (4-10) * Chicago (9-5)

Playoff Implications: Bears eliminate Rams with win

Chicago keeps the wild card annoyingly and excitingly convoluted and crowded with a slim win over their divisional brothers in Detroit. Brad Muster and Barry Sanders ran an identical 14 times, though Muster won the ground game by 3 yards. The air battle was lackluster and somewhat depressing for a late-season battle with playoff meddling on the line for the Lions, reminding us how relieved we are to not see Detroit in a postseason chair and how nervous we are to see Jim Harbaugh harpooning the backs of receivers in a wild card contest.

Final Score: Bears 17, Lions 14

Indianapolis (4-10) * Phoenix (2-12)

Playoff Implications: Cardinals eliminate Colts from the Jimmy V Celebrity Golf 

                         Classic with win

Chris Chandler plays for his career with the number one draft pick on the line, throwing 320 yards with 78% of his passes completed and the Cardinals have a third win under their belts. Ricky Proehl remained invisible all day, racking up 226 yards on 8 catches to keep Phoenix distanced from the Colts, who still haven't recovered from the 10-consecutive loss streak that will define their illustriously unsettling season. Somewhere, the 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers are uncorking another bottle of champagne.

Final Score: Cardinals 30, Colts 17

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Monday Night Football

Philadelphia (10-4) * Washington (8-6)

Playoff Implications: Eagles clinch playoff berth with win

                        Redskins eliminated with loss

While most of you were nestling snugly in your beds, candy canes in your grubby clutches and all, there was a football game going on between Philadelphia and Washington. The last Monday Night contest was a fitting one, with more than just lost love on the line between the two divisional foes. A season removed from their Tecmo Bowl run, the Redskins found themselves in a do-or-die situation with Chicago and Dallas winning the day previous, while the Eagles had a chance at redemption by eliminating their pesky siblings a season after Washington came from behind to send Philadelphia packing in Week 17.

The first quarter was all about momentum, or, more appropriately, the lack thereof. Just as Philadelphia flirted with scoring, Herschel Walker dropped the first of what would be many fumbles throughout the day, allowing the Redskins the chance to turn the game around quickly. Unfortunately for them, they ran into one of the better defenses in the NFC and were forced to punt the ball back to the dangerous Randall Cunningham-led offense. Of course, as dangerous as Cunningham is to other teams, he is to his own when he threw a pick on his first pass. Mark Rypien plays hot potato with the ball, giving it back on his first play and allowing the Eagles a chance at redeeming themselves in Washington territory.

End of 1st Quarter - Eagles 0, Redskins 0

The second quarter quickly began by imitating the first, with Walker bobbling over his second fumble in the red zone. Washington once again went nowhere on their next drive, punting it back to Philadelphia. After another slow drive got its start, the rumblings in the stands began of fans fearing another Miami/New York debacle. Suddenly, Cunningham let one rip down the sideline to Freddy Barnett, picking up a svelte 47 yards. The Eagles kept the yardage positive down the rest of the field, capping it off with an exciting cross-body throw from Cunningham to Barnett that finally put a crooked number on the scoreboard just before the half.

Halftime - Eagles 7, Redskins 0

Washington took the ball to start the second half, and were immediately rewarded with an Earnest Byner injury. Fortunately, Rypien found his second biggest weapon in Ricky Ervins with a 50-yard touchdown connection that had Ervins outracing nearly all of Philadelphia's defenders. The Eagles responded with a quick drive deep into Redskins' territory, but not scoring quickly enough came back to bite them in the form of a third lost Walker fumble. Ricky Sanders told the story of Washington's next drive, taking the reverse for three straight plays that equalled 12 yards, then -5 and another -5. Ervins couldn't bail his quarterback out a second time, and Kelly Goodburn readied another punt going into the fourth quarter.

End of 3rd Quarter - Eagles 7, Redskins 7

Cunningham finally broke open for a big run, streaking for 57 yards to the Washington 33 and setting up a second Cunningham-to-Barnett connection to regain the lead. The Redskins continued the scoring flurry however, with Sanders getting his reverse on for 32 yards on 2 carries after a stellar Brian Mitchell return. Sanders capped off the drive in style with another reverse to tie the game. With enough time remaining to suck the air out of a second Tecmo Bowl trip for Washington, the Eagles drove fast and hard behind the daggers of Keith Byars, finally setting up a Calvin Williams catch-and-run up the middle to score.

Final Score: Eagles 21, Redskins 14

Knowing what was necessary to keep their dreams of a repeat alive, the Redskins found their foes in Philadelphia to be a bit more tough and hungry than they, falling short of not just another division crown but a playoff berth altogether in the midst of a highly competitive NFC field. Though the holidays were cut short for our friends from the nation's capitol, the rest of us are caught up now and ready to look ahead to the final week of blood-letting in this long and difficult 1992 season. The Eagles have the best chance to lay claim to the NFC East, and after this performance that saw them do everything outside of relenting it's almost a given. With an offense that's clicking and a defense that cracks mirrors, Philadelphia appears to not fear the short week ahead of them riding into the last week of regular season play.

Week Fifteen: Champagne Wishes, Infirmary Dreams

Like many an opposing quarterback, the pieces of Anthony Pleasant's broken rib puzzle are beginning to fall into place in Week 15. Many teams are one or two steps away from postseason promises and January dreams fulfilled. Eight teams are already out of the running, with a few more hanging dangerously close off the precipice. While some are in control of their own destinies, there are a select few hanging on to hopes of a fractured Chris Miller fibula or Warren Moon concussion to stay alive. Let's take a look at who's flowers and balloons will find a home in the infirmary after this week.

 

1:00 Games

Miami (9-3-1) * L.A. Raiders (6-7) 

With the Chargers playing in what may feel like their own backyard, the Raiders see their hopes for a miraculous division surge come toppling down in the end. Despite outplaying the Dolphins throughout the majority of the game, the loss of Eric Dickerson right after halftime spelled doom for Los Angeles, as even an underwhelming Dan Marino performance of 190 yards and a pick was enough to earn Miami a few cases of bubbly, courtesy of Stan Humphries.

Final Score: Dolphins 24, Raiders 20

San Diego (9-4) * Cincinnati (6-7)

The Chargers were already in celebratory mode with a coasting victory over Cincinnati, but when the clock hit triple-0 in Miami they knew it was time to party. The Bengals are bounced from the AFC Central race with the loss, allowing themselves to be run over by Rod Bernstine for 126 yards on just 12 carries. Boomer Esiason was a one-man rally killer for his team, throwing 3 picks to let a close game unravel in the end. The Chargers are the first lucky crew to see their names in 8-bit monochromatic, pixellated glory. 

Final Score: Chargers 28, Bengals 14

Indianapolis (3-10) * N.Y. Jets (7-5-1)

In what was, at one time, a two-team race in the AFC East, the Jets lose their fourth game in five attempts to have the final threads of their AFC East divisional hopes severed. One way to highlight the fact that you're a team of also-rans is to be beaten senseless by a team that at one point had lost 10 straight. Jeff George had his way with the normally stout Jets' defense, tossing up 264 yards with no interceptions. And somehow, the 10-game losing streak looks less offensive than Browning Nagle's 27% completion and just 89 yards. 

Final Score: Colts 31, Jets 20

Atlanta (10-3) * Tampa Bay (5-8)

Tampa Bay kept things tight with Atlanta all the way into overtime, with Vinny lobbing up 266 yards, 71 to his back-up running back in Anthony McDowell. Meanwhile, Chris Miller moved from dark horse to favorite in the MVP talks with another huge day of 366 yards, though Keith Jones was the fantasy darling with 202 yards receiving. Their victory does double duty of keeping the Rams from repeating in the West, while also delivering upon Tampa Bay a one-way ticket to a prolonged Christmas vacation. 

Final Score: Falcons 27, Buccaneers 24 (OT)

Detroit (4-9) * Cleveland (6-7)

The Browns pick up another big win against an unpredictable Lions squad that very well could have sent them packing to the promised land. Barry Sanders had a solid day of 92 yards rushing, though he was a man apart from his team with Rodney Peete's poor performance of just 114 yards with a pick. Mike Tomczak played like the elite quarterback he always insisted he was, chucking 229 yards with a 76% completion percentage, keeping the Browns in the hunt.

Final Score: Browns 28, Lions 7

Washington (7-6) * Dallas (9-4)

The biggest game of the early grouping had Washington come out the victors, defending their honor in a tough divisional battle behind a strong defense and Mark Rypien's return to prominence, throwing nearly perfect for 236 yards. The impenetrable duo of Troy Aikman and Emmitt Smith were stymied, combining for just 175 yards between them, and suddenly Washington is back in the race to defend their crown. And after what occurred last season, we're ready to go all in with any remaining chips from Ricky Sanders' Vegas bender.

Final Score: Redskins 31, Cowboys 7

Buffalo (8-5) * Denver (5-8)

In a game that was more important for Denver to win than for Buffalo to lose, John Elway succumbed to the pressure and returned to his early season slump. Though his 283 yards bested Jim Kelly's unsurprisingly lackluster 166, his proclivity for picks kept his Broncos from keeping up with the Bills. Denver falls out of a race they had no business being in, while the Bills are suddenly back in one we counted them out of after racking up their fifth win in a row.

Final Score: Bills 29, Broncos 17

Green Bay (4-9) * Houston (9-4)

The ill-experienced Packers had a big ticket to punch with Houston, and in a game that Favre needed to be at his boyishly brilliant best he succumbed to the big lights and threw up 2 picks with just 219 yards. Warren Moon's 90% completion and 300-yard barrier busting all but cemented him the passing crown, and their win has the presses stopped on Cleveland's improbable Division Champions t-shirt run. Houston is heating up at just the right time for a Tecmo Bowl repeat.

Final Score: Oilers 38, Packers 22

New Orleans (9-4) * L.A. Rams (7-6)

After feasting on their own division for much of the second half of the season, the Rams lost their bite after seeing Atlanta's win on the scoreboard. New Orleans squeaked by despite all of Bobby Hebert's attempts at throwing away a second game, this time fighting for just 112 yards aside from an eye-popping 5 interceptions. The Saints keep at Atlanta's heels, though their early-season thrusting has their tanks dangerously crossing over the 'E' line at perhaps the worst time for their surprising season.

Final Score: Saints 16, Rams 14

4:00 Games

Philadelphia (9-4) * Seattle (4-9)

The Eagles floated to a win in their late game with Dallas losing earlier on, claiming sole possession of first despite dozing through the Seahawks behind Randall Cunningham's 133 yards and 2 interceptions. His somnambulist line looked downright inspired next to Zombie Gelbaugh's own 65 yards and 3 picks, leading some in the Seattle press to think he's taking money under the table from Dan McGwire. With the win, the Eagles take the reins of their own destiny around the final curve of the season.

Final Score: Eagles 19, Seahawks 7

Kansas City (3-10) * New England (3-10)

The AFC sewer rats collide in the muck and grime of this late season affair, and in the end the Patriots spare us with a late field goal to win. The bright spot that continues to burn into the diseased flesh of New England is Kevin Turner, who picked up 97 yards on the ground and another 117 in the air. A man who plays this hard on a team destined to nest beneath the trash at the bottom of a subway rail says a lot about resolve and responsibility, something Dave Krieg could pay a portion of his enormous salary to learn about.

Final Score: Patriots 31, Chiefs 28

San Francisco (8-5) * Minnesota (9-4)

It was a contest we could see in the postseason, though the Vikings wouldn't like to admit it. With everyone from Tom Rathman, who ran 103 yards on just 13 attempts, to Steve Young to even the 49ers' underestimated defense rolling over Minnesota, it was a lopsided effort that shows one team ready to take over the playoffs and another oblivious to the fact that it's only a few short weeks away. The Vikings go back to regroup, their eyes a little more fixed on the Monday Night game to commence tomorrow.

Final Score: 49ers 31, Vikings 7

Phoenix (2-11) * N.Y. Giants (4-9)

The Giants looked like the team playing for a playoff position a season ago with Jeff Hostetler finally waking up before the game to throw 291 yards and completing 76% of his passes. Phoenix removed their world-beater masks early on in this one, a week removed from stalling San Diego in their quest for a championship. The Cardinals reverted to their woeful ways with Chandler throwing picks and third-stringer Larry Centers leading the rushing attack, clinching the one thing nobody doubted they'd clinch this season: last place in the NFC East.

Final Score: Giants 24, Cardinals 16

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The Bears and Steelers are two teams of angry, brutish men fighting for a glass slipper. Cinderella representations from their respective Central divisions, these two meet in a late season battle that leaves the winner with a great chance at some great things in the postseason. The loser, on the other hand, will have to keep the night alive as long as possible before watching any hopes they've developed over their own late-season surge turn back into the rotten pumpkin they started the year with. The Bears have been victims of three separate blowouts, while Pittsburgh's greatest margin of victory during their exciting six-game streak was only 7. Something's going to give in our Monday Night contest, and as long as it's not Barry Foster's sternum when Mike Singletary runs headlong into him, the Steelers have a good chance to be asked to the ball by a handsome prince.

Week Thirteen: Toilet Bowl Helmets

This is the week that our writers here at the Tecmo Bowl start running out of hyperbole to describe the season with, so instead we'll just reinforce the immense importance each of these last few games have to the survival of the teams still in the race. Nobody outside of the Phoenix Cardinals has yet been mathematically eliminated from the race, though we have a minor inkling that's about to change. We'll wrap up our third quarter of football play with some exciting match-ups and bloody rivalries renewed, so let's go forth and examine how many ways from Sunday that Derrick Thomas can symbolize the fortunes of his 1992 Kansas City Chiefs.

1:00 Games

Seattle (3-8) * Denver (5-6)

Gelbaugh came unglued in a desperation game for the Seattle squad, throwing 303 yards with a nearly 80% completion rate to keep his Seahawks on the bubble. Denver's quest for an unexpected playoff spot is stalled, perhaps until next season, when Elway reverted to his sub-par play of just 136 yards passing and an interception. It's inspiring to see Seattle show this type of resilience, though tape of their first 11 games shouldn't even be shown in a military detention camp. 

Final Score: Seahawks 38, Broncos 17

Dallas (7-4) * New York Giants (3-8)

In the first of just four intra-divisional match-ups today, Dallas all but puts New York out their long-standing misery with another stellar day from Emmitt Smith, taking on another 93 yards to his league-leading total. Jeff Hostetler wasn't entirely incompetent, throwing 0 interceptions to 219 yards, though he was bested by his counterpart in Troy Aikman, who is finally clicking and finding his star receivers consistently, such as Michael Irvin and his 106 yards on 4 catches. 

Final Score: Cowboys 34, Giants 24

Washington (6-5) * Phoenix (1-10)

The little bro bashing continues with Washington tacking on another win against the lowly Cardinals behind Mark Rypien and his accurate arm. Gary Clark adds his name to the hit list of Phoenix's bullies with 105 receiving yards and 5 catches. For the Cardinals, Johnny Johnson was the favorite target, catching the ball twice for 65 yards and signifying the state of the Phoenix offense. The defending NFC champions are making another surge in the NFC East, much to the chagrin of ageists everywhere.

Final Score: Redskins 34, Cardinals 24

Green Bay (4-7) * Tampa Bay (4-7)

Two teams going nowhere in the NFC Central meet in a contest that has Vinny Testaverde out-passing Brett Favre 342 yards to 108. Lawrence Dawsey has the type of day current fantasy players pay Benjamins for with 164 yards receiving on just 5 throws from Testaverde. With the loss, Green Bay is sniffing the six feet of soil they're about to be buried under. The first season for coach Mike Holmgren and Favre has been forgettable, leaving us to wonder what the future holds for sexting in this alternate dimension.

Final Score: Buccaneers 38, Packers 20

Minnesota (8-3) * L.A. Rams (5-6)

The Rams flavor of Los Angeles wins a huge game for themselves while also stalling the stumbling Vikings. Quarterback Jim Everett continued the trend of the tremendous quarterback this week with 311 yards tossed, throwing 4 completions to rookie tight end Jim Price for 131 yards. Rich Gannon, in his campaign to be the worst quarterback to lead his team to a division championship, threw just 171 yards with 3 picks and now Minnesota is treacherously close to tripping on their own shoelaces with Chicago taking the inside track.

Final Score: Rams 35, Vikings 21

Indianapolis (2-9) * Buffalo (6-5)

It was the closest the Colts came to their first win since Week 2, but they were once again thwarted by a Buffalo team rising from the ashes. Thurman Thomas pushes his way into MVP talks with another day of 100+ yards, this time on just 7 attempts. Jeff George played his best game during the streak, throwing 304 yards and completing his passes 75% of the time. Nonetheless, Buffalo gets into the wild card race, while the Colts cap off an unmatchable futility streak by mathematically eliminating themselves from contention.

Final Score: Bills 35, Colts 28

Kansas City (2-9) * New York Jets (6-4-1)

The Jets tried their hardest to give Kansas City a shot behind Browning Nagle's 22% completion and just 44 yards thrown, but their own defense ruined it by crushing Krieg and just allowing 126 yards with 2 picks. The 'D' of New York has been their only hope in this 1992 season, and the seemingly undesired win keeps them in a suddenly hotly contested race in the AFC East. The Chiefs are out of the playoffs, though we're certain Derrick Thomas had his La Quinta card punched back in mid-October.

Final Score: Jets 14, Chiefs 10

Houston (7-4) * Detroit (3-8)

The Lions were the talk of Thanksgiving last week, but it was back to business as usual against Houston. The Oilers continue to soar back into the head of the class behind none other than Warren Moon and his 240 yards. Barry Sanders falls back into his rut after just one game, only meeting 55 yards on 12 attempts, though he did add 68 more with 2 receptions from Rodney Peete who seemingly couldn't find anyone else. The Lions join Kansas City and the Colts in the dried-up kiddie pool with the loss.

Final Score: Oilers 23, Lions 17

New Orleans (9-2) * Miami (7-3-1)
In a potential Tecmo Bowl meet-up, the Saints fail to be the first team to 10 wins after a 13-0 run in the 4th quarter by Miami. Up until that point, the man they call Ironhead, Craig Heyward led the early games in rushing with 135 yards on just 7 attempts for a nearly 20-yard per rush average. The stat somewhat covers up the glaring off-day by Bobby Hebert with just 122 yards and 2 picks despite an otherwise 75% completion rate. Not even Marino's AA coach could cover up his 27% and 88 yards, however.

Final Score: Dolphins 23, Saints 21

4:00 Games

Cleveland (5-6) * Chicago (7-4)

The Bears win a game of two teams heading in separate directions. The Browns lose their fourth straight and are now hanging on a thread in both their division and within the wild card discussion. Mike Tomczak still bested Jim Harbaugh in the air with 244 yards passing to Wild Jim's 175 and 2 picks, 125 of those to back-up runner Neal Anderson. With a different player losing the game for Cleveland each week, it was Matt Stover who was struck by the lightning of the Tecmo Gods with his first missed extra point of the year.

Final Score: Bears 21, Browns 20

Atlanta (8-3) * New England (3-9)

Steve Broussard's uncharacteristic 105 yards rushing on 12 attempts was overshadowed by rising star in Kevin Turner, who racked up 112 of his own in a losing effort for New England. After leading his team to a big win last week against the Jets, Turner's output couldn't be matched through the air by Hugh Millen who was torched by Atlanta's Chris Miller 264 yards to 147. With the win, the Falcons keep the fire hot at the heels of New Orleans leading up to their huge tussle next week. 

Final Score: Falcons 31, Patriots 21

San Francisco (8-3) * Philadelphia (8-3)

In this sure to be a tasty playoff preview, the Eagles eke one out against San Francisco, delivering upon the mighty behemoths of the West their third loss in four games and second in a row. Steve Young and Mike Sherrard continue to build their chemistry with 139 yards between themselves, but fell to Herschel Walker's career day of 151 yards on 12 attempts, making up for a paltry 104 yard showing by Randall Cunningham. With the win, the Eagles take sole ownership of the East and knock the Giants out of contention.

Final Score: Eagles 28, 49ers 24

Pittsburgh (7-4) * Cincinnati (5-6)

The honeymoon is over for the Steelers at the expense of divisional hangers-on in Cincinnati, who put up 28 points on the scoreboard in the 2nd half. Barry Foster continued his MVP-like season as a threat not just behind the line, but as a receiver with 114 yards on just 4 catches. The quarterback battle was a wash between O'Donnell and Esiason, with similar completion ratings and Esiason winning in yards but not interceptions, throwing two more than Neil. Warren Moon's bender is back on.

Final Score: Bengals 35, Steelers 21

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The story of each season appears to be: As go the Raiders, as goes the AFC West. With the Denver loss, only the Raiders remain as a threat to San Diego's foregone division championship. A win can delay the celebration another week, while their loss will have the Chargers celebrating on a nationally televised evening as the remaining divisions appear to be headed to Week 17 undecided. Stan Humphries hasn't shown signs of stopping, though Eric Dickerson will hope to shed defenders like corn popping. The task could be dealt to Todd Marinovich to keep his team alive, but with his lights turned way down low, let it Schroe, let it Schroe, let it Schroe.

Monday Night Football: NY Jets vs New England

In what would normally be a basement level brawl in the AFC East, the Jets will now hope to use the hapless Patriots as a springboard to keep even with Miami in a very tight race for the division lead. The only thing truly separating these two teams is the strong defense of New York, though even that group appears to be tiring out a few weeks too early. They shouldn't have too much of a problem with a Millen-helmed defense tonight, though as of late there's been some rumblings coming out of Alabama of a young, able-bodied running back named Kevin Turner making some waves for the Patriots. As long as the Jets aren't caught unawares and quarterback Browning Nagle doesn't play like a zombie chicken, New York should be able to bounce back for a much-needed win.

Quarter One
Return specialist Jon Vaughn puts his Patriots at the 15-yard line to start the game. He can't bail his quarterback out on first down when Millen faces a full-on Jets blitz, though on second down the man from Des Moines has a much calmer pocket to launch a long 42-yard pass to Greg McMurtry. Finally finding their one successful play 12 weeks into the season, Millen airs it out once more to McMurtry but has his pass knocked away in the end zone. They opt for a shorter connection, with the one-time Red Sox first-rounder taking the pass at the New York 28-yard line. The first play to Weapon X, otherwise known as Kevin Turner, is a failure of a pass, though he resets his confidence with two plays that net 19 yards to slash his way into the red zone. Kyle Clifton stops the bleeding for the moment with an 11-yard sack of Millen, shaking him up enough to see two of Brian Washington intercepting him in the end zone.

New York runs a play action on first down, fooling nobody on the usually short-bus-occupying Patriots defense. Blair Thomas picks up a weak 4 yard run on 2nd down, though it appears rather Espy-Award worthy compared to his 2-yard loss on 3rd down to force a punt.

Though Michael Timpson has a hard time doing anything with Louie Aguiar's punt, the Prattville Punisher (Kevin Turner's alter ego) finishes up the quarter with a mean 32-yard run to put his team in Jets territory and immediately picking up where they left off on the last drive, with Turner melting hearts and Millen forcing bathroom breaks.

Quarter Two
Pin-up boy Turner can't handle Millen's first pass of the quarter, and the sudden panic causes Millen to absorb a second Kyle Clifton sack of the day. On 3rd and 19, Millen throws up along the sidelines for Irving Fryar, who pulls it in at the Jets' 17-yard line. Millen's one-trick pony is in full-gallop mode when his second consecutive pass to Fryar flies hopelessly into the visitor's tunnel. His attempt at getting Vaughn a third receiving touchdown goes unfulfilled, though on another 3rd down play his pass to Fryar is on the money at the 2-yard line and watches his star receiver run it in for a rare touchdown.

New England leads 7-0

Terance Mathis racks up a hefty run to his team's 43-yard line on his first return of the game. Brad Baxter is handed the ball on first down, from which he finds some running room for 20 yards to New England's 37-yard line. Browning Nagle watches no less than 3 receivers streak down the field wide open before experiencing one night in Andre Tippett for a loss of 9 yards. Blair Thomas is called upon to pick up 12 yards, still about 7 short of a first down which he still can't achieve on his second go-round. With a chance to put some points on the board for New York, Cary Blanchard misses his fifth attempt in just eleven tries, this one from 46 yards away.

The only man to escape a Killer Kowalski Claw, Kevin Turner takes a pitch from Millen for 4 yards on first down, but loses 2 of those on the next play when all eleven Jets defenders kamikaze dive on top of him. Undaunted, Turner takes his third straight pitch and picks up a first down and more to the New England 48-yard line. After an innocent miscommunication as Millen throwing to a cute but pesky gopher alone on the 10-yard line, the ball is handed to the unsuspecting Vaughn, who bounces off his left tackle but is otherwise untouched for 52 yards to the score.

New Englands leads 14-0

Mathis takes the kick out from the end zone to the Jets' 35-yard line, though his run leaves only 9 seconds on the clock for Nagle to panic, eschew his two open receivers along the sideline and throw a short pass to Robb Thomas that is harmlessly yet predictably blocked.

Halftime - Patriots 14, Jets 0

Quarter Three
Another stellar Mathis return comes at a high price, with the star receiver going down to a swollen patella. Thomas continues his forgettable day with a 2-yard loss, followed up by Moore finally getting some separation but now unaware what to do with this oblong shaped ball near his hands. On 3rd and 12, Nagle attempts a run of his own, and though his 1-yard run may seem like 100, he mathematically falls short of the remaining yards needed for a first down to force another Louie Aguiar sighting.

A touchback has the Patriots starting at their own 20 with a comfortable lead over the Jets. Wild Man Millen takes advantage of the rare occasion to lob a pass up to Irving Fryar that leaves a decent-sized gash near a table of Gatorade cups. Kyle Clifton has upper New York management thinking of a name change with his one-man show on a third sack of Millen, leading to a pass to Vaughn that falls hopelessly short of a first down.

Freeman McNeil makes his return to kick-fielding to much fanfare, taking the punt 15 yards to the Jets' 45-yard line. Nagle draws upon the play action with not much to lose, finding Moore open along with a desire to catch the ball for their obligatory one connection per game. It's a meaningful one that sees Moore streak down the sideline for a quick 55-yard score to get New York on the board.

New England leads 14-7

Vaughn is unable to get much farther than the 10-yard line on his return, setting up a dangerous 4th sack from Clifton that has the Jets suddenly claiming momentum in a game they had all but let slip away. From the shadow of their goal line, the Patriots are saved once more by Kevin Turner, Vampire Hunter, who escapes a diving defender in the end zone and picks up 8 yards. Millen puts his legs to work, though they disassemble somewhere near the 11-yard line, sounding the bell for a second consecutive Shawn McCarthy punt.

McNeil picks up a few yards to get the Jets a starting spot at the 45-yard line moving into the 4th.

Quarter Four
The Jets continue to put their faith in Thomas, who picks up 3 yards to put his net on the day somewhere around 0. Baxter nabs a rare reception in the flat for a 10-yard gain into New England territory, though it's Nagle who uses his rushing ability to pick up 20 yards on a Patriots' defense caught on their heels. From the 22-yard line, Nagle picks up another 7 before pitching it to Baxter to complete the final 7 needed to knot this one up late.

Score tied 14-14

The Patriots start off a slow, clock-burning drive with a wild overthrow of Fryar that's nearly picked off, along with another pass that's just off the fingertips of Clifton at the line of scrimmage. On 3rd down with 10 yards necessary, Millen drops back and finds a man open, though the 5-yard gain is only notable for the final stat sheet as McCarthy punts it to McNeil for a third straight time.

Suddenly in charge of the game, field general Browning Nagle throws the ball away in the face of a Patriots blitz that nearly proves costly when it goes out of the hands of a New England defender. Thomas is able to run for double digits on second down, though it also takes off double digits from the clock as just over a minute remains in this tied game. Nagle throws incomplete to Moore, the only covered man on the field, and somewhere, some high school quarterbacks coach just had an aneurysm. Baxter takes a pitch on second down, though it's caught immediately and only picks up 2 yards. Tim Goad saves the game for New England on 3rd down with a big sack of Nagle, though New York maintains its hard edge by going for it on 4th down. Though their unconventional play choice of having Thomas go up the middle proves a failure, it still manages to get a round of applause from ironic hipsters at the Built to Spill concert next door.

The Patriots take the ball with just 22 seconds left on the New York side of the field. The Jets send them backwards on first down, however, with a blitz of Turner for a 4-yard loss. Millen drops back on second down and goes for broke with just 15 seconds left, finding Marv Cook who lays out for the ball but can't get out of the frozen mud in time to score. This taxi cab's headed back to the land of deja vu.

Overtime
The Jets win the toss, though any hope the team's fans have at a quick score are dashed when Browning Nagle latches his helmet on and takes the field. The drive starts as slow as ever with a Thomas run for 7 yards, though the nightmares Nagle will have tonight should occur even slower as he watches his pass on second down sail into the gut of Johnny Rembert at the New England 38-yard line.

Kevin Turner the Bounty Hunter gets his team's sails at full mast with two runs that net 30 yards and get the Patriots at the precipice of Jason Staurovsky territory. Clifton breaches the line to knock Turner back 6 yards, though he still shows why his midichlorians are off the charts with a 26-yard scamper to the Jets' 13-yard line. With the soft, drunken whispers of Dan Marino in his ear, coach Dick MacPherson calls Staurovsky on to the field for a 30-yard kick that banks in off the right upright, symbolizing the Patriots banking off a rare late-season win against a fading playoff contender.

Final: Patriots 17, Jets 14 (OT)

 
The Jets come back to the national stage in just a few short weeks, and once again they hit the 14-point glass ceiling. This time, their impotence comes back to bite them in losing to perennial cellar-dwelling Patriots. With Blair Thomas and Browning Nagle leading the team in their respective categories and only totaling 104 yards, they only have New England to thank for not making them look totally inept on the field. Hugh Millen played less-than-horrible enough to keep his game in it, though once again the story of the game for the Patriots was the enigmatic Kevin Turner, who still remains invisible on game tapes to thwart any planning his team's opponents may have. His efforts finally converted into a Patriots win, and though it may be the last for his team, it was a strong showing that shows glimmers of what the future can be should they find a decent quarterback and not trade Turner away to a Caribbean football league.

 

Week Eleven: O'Donnell's Simple Mustache Machine

It's sure to be an eventful week with many middle of the road teams looking to break out from their exile in mediocrity. Week eleven is also notorious for a few apple-cart upsets for teams in the playoff hunt. Who the victims are this week remains to be seen, though we'd assume the teams treading a tightrope all season are in for some hurting. The Vikings, Cowboys and Jets have played tough, but their staying power may only be as long as the time between Rich Gannon's menstruation periods. Other teams like Pittsburgh and Washington have made great runs to nose their way back in, though it's hard to say that the weight of Neil O'Donnell's mustache won't tip the lever to the other side of the fulcrum. Of course, we could either continue making petty predictions or we could just dive into the games as they progress. We'll assume by your bored silence you prefer the latter, so let's hit it!

1:00 Games

San Francisco (7-2) * New Orleans (8-1)

The incestuous NFC West kicks off with Steve Young putting on a seminar for Bobby Hebert. Young threw 238 yards, finding his receivers 71% of the time, to Bobby's 201 (not including the yards thrown to 3 of San Francisco's secondary). The 49ers also dominated the all-important ground game in sending Tom Rathman to the wolves of New Orleans' normally nasty rush defense, collecting 93 yards and a score of his own. San Francisco pulls itself back into a first place tie behind Mike Cofer, with no signs of these horses tiring any time soon. 

Final Score: 49ers 24, Saints 21 (OT)

Buffalo (4-5) * Miami (6-2-1)

Speaking of a horse race, the donkeys of the AFC East collide in what used to be a pretty marquee match-up for the division. Marino outgunned Kelly once more, but it was the rise of Thurman Thomas and his 153 all-purpose yards that crowded the division just a bit more. The Dolphins' one-sided pass attack showed its flaws this week, whetting the whistle of their foes, though despite the loss they still lead this very shaky race by virtue of choosing not to win against New York.

Final Score: Bills 31, Dolphins 23

Philadelphia (7-2) * Green Bay (3-6)

The first of our clairvoyant upset picks reared its ugly head with the return of Sterling Sharpe rousing his troops into action against the usually-dominant Eagles. Behind quarterback Brett Favre, the Packers staged their first comeback win, going ahead late with Favre's 238 yards, 0 picks and a 90% completion rate. Jackie Harris was still Brett's stud despite Sterling's return, but perhaps he was the voice needed to start what Green Bay hopes is a resounding comeback late in the season after this solid win against Philadelphia. 

Final Score: Packers 31, Eagles 30

Atlanta (7-2) * Phoenix (1-8)

Andre Rison limped off the field after catching 3 Chris Miller balls for 116 yards, enough to fight off a valiant Cardinals' comeback to keep Atlanta in their division's menage a trois. Miller was a force to be reckoned with, edging out in the NFL's new marketing scheme, entitled 'The Battle of Chris-es', by throwing 262 yards with a 91% completion rate to Chandler's 286/62% split. Randal Hill did his best Rison impersonation with 3 catches for 114 yards, though doing so with an empty Atlanta secondary is somehow slightly less impressive.

Final Score: Falcons 34, Cardinals 31

Houston (6-3) * Minnesota (7-2)

The Oilers continue their winning ways by way of reigniting Minnesota's losing curse as Warren Moon connected for 337 yards all over the Vikings defense. Curtis Duncan picked the largest straw in Moon's receiving corps, catching 7 balls for 195 yards, though Rich Gannon kept it close by throwing 265 yards, 184 of those to his emerging favorite target in Cris Carter. The Vikings were tough in defeat, keeping some wind in their sails, while the Oilers, even after a slow start, continue to find ways to stay afloat despite taking on the water weight that is Lorenzo White.

Final Score: Oilers 30, Vikings 24 (OT)

Tampa Bay (4-5) * Chicago (5-4)

The Bears continue to find more ways to separate themselves from the muck of the rest of their division, including pulling out a win against Tampa Bay in the face of a 14-point deficit in the 4th quarter. The Buccaneers let it slip away after Brad Muster invoked his angry troll voodoo spell and ran roughshod over Tampa Bay's defense for 133 yards on 14 carries. Until then, the story of the day was Jim Harbaugh's 47 passing yards, a number that, much like a certain presidential candidate, may come back to haunt him when training camp rolls around next season. 

Final Score: Bears 21, Buccaneers 17

Denver (3-6) * New York Giants (3-6)

In another dimension, it'd still be a game nobody cared about with two quarterbacks that usually err on the side of abysmal trying to out-suck each other. Once again, Jeff Hostetler ran away with it, unable to cross over 200 yards passing yet again and having no help on the ground from Rodney Hampton. Reggie Rivers was also a thorn in John Elway's side, prompting him to light up for 220 yards with fewer mistakes than normal to put another meaningless win in the column for the most underachieving team in football. 

Final Score: Broncos 21, Giants 14

L.A. Rams (4-5) * Dallas (5-4)

Dallas escaped a sure upset with another solid day of running from Emmitt Smith, who tacked on another 102 yards to his league-leading rushing stats. Cleveland Gary also had a stand-out game, running for 111 yards on 10 attempts, though that number loses some flavor when put up against Jim Everett and his 45% completion rating and just 105 yards thrown on the field. Though Troy Aikman didn't fare much better with just 127 yards and a pick, his name will be the one not confused with a female tennis player come playoff time. 

Final Score: Cowboys 24, Rams 20

New England (1-8) * Indianapolis (2-7)

The annual Toilet Bowl comes late to the 1992 Tecmo season, and it doesn't disappoint with the two featured teams combining for a 3-15 record. New England still runs away with this one and delivers upon the Colts their fitting 8th loss in a row behind an other-worldly performance from Kevin Turner and his 251 all-purpose yards. It's hard to say how many volumes are spoken when Turner has become Hugh Millen's favorite target, throwing 102 of his 162 yards to Turner. Be sure to stick around; the plunger may be needed for a double flush when these two teams meet again in Week 14.

Final Score: Patriots 34, Colts 7

4:00 Games

New York Jets (6-2-1) * Cincinnati (4-5)

The Jets miss out on their first great opportunity to take sole ownership of the division since tying Miami behind rookie quarterback Browning Nagle's worst outing of the year. Throwing just 85 yards with a pick, Nagle made Boomer Esiason feel like it was 1988 again despite just throwing 126 yards, 81 of them to emerging star Carl Pickens. Harold Green made his return to relevance as well, topping out at 108 yards on 9 carries, and suddenly Cincinnati is getting the ol' late November itch again, getting back to .500 after losing 5 in a row.

Final Score: Bengals 31, Jets 10

Pittsburgh (5-4) * Detroit (2-7)

One team that's surpassed the Bengals on the AFC Central totem pole is Pittsburgh, who, behind Neil O'Donnell's resourcefulness, pulled out a fifth consecutive win. O'Donnell was firing on all cylinders, making up for Barry Foster's first real off-day by still finding him out in the field for 83 yards to add to his total of 206 for the day. Rodney Peete found his restored roar quieted by the steel curtain, reverting back to his old ways with just 146 yards and a pick. With no Barry Sanders to cover for him, Peete's Lions are already seeing sandy beaches, even before their contractually-obligated Thanksgiving Day game.

Final Score: Steelers 21, Lions 10

L.A. Raiders (4-5) * Seattle (2-7)

After valiantly falling short of a heroic comeback last week, Raiders' back-up quarterback Todd Marinovich put on an uninspiring performance of just 111 yards with a 62% completion rating. Luckily for him, he got to play a back-up high school scrimmage team in the Seattle Seahawks, led by art school dropout Stan Gelbaugh. With Gelbaugh's season progressively getting worse, it's hard to see him finish out the season before Kelly Stouffer is called upon to play the same position as guys like Bart Starr and Joe Montana.

Final Score: Raiders 27, Seahawks 10

Kansas City (2-7) * Washington (5-4)

With Kimble Anders leading the team in rushing with 25 yards and Dave Krieg only throwing for just 87 with 2 picks and a 21% completion rating, it's hard to see how the Chiefs didn't score negative points in this game. Earnest Byner remained a paragon of resilience, rushing 95 yards on 11 attempts, while Mark Rypien had one of his best days throwing with 251 yards, 113 to star receiver Gary Clark. The Redskins are heading the right way up the Appalachians; we just hope they can avoid any toothless, banjo-playing, crooked-fingered Brian Baldingers on the way to a playoff spot.

Final Score: Redskins 35, Chiefs 3

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We're hitting the stonier soil now with our next Monday Night match-up, pitting San Diego and Cleveland against each other in a strange pairing of AFC contenders. In what would normally be a late-season walkover for the Chargers, they'll now meet a Browns team hungry for a 17th game behind Coach Bill Belichick. Cleveland had won 5 straight to put them in a first place tie with Houston, but after resorting back to their early season antics in a pivotal head-on collision with their big brothers last week it's hard to say which Browns team we'll see tomorrow night. For San Diego's sake, they hope it's one that they'll use to put themselves further out of reach in the West as Stan Humphries gets poised for another miraculous playoff run. He'll have to contend with sack-leader Anthony Pleasant, who will be anything but as he tries to send Stan back to the pound and get his Bad News Browns back in the win column.