Week Twelve: Troy's Turkeys and Peete's Potatoes

The Thanksgiving holiday has come and gone, and now most of us are lying on our couches with full stomachs and empty pockets. You may have spent three month's salary during Black Friday, but we're here to offer you some twenty-year old football free of charge. Today you'll see some recaps of the classic Thanksgiving throwdowns involving Detroit and Dallas, alongside today's current lineup of superstars mushing eachother's brains for your enjoyment. So grab a plate of microwaved stuffing and potatoes and let us guide you through the final turn on your holiday weekend of food, football and finding new ways to finance your child's college education.

Game One
Cincinnati (5-5) at Detroit (2-8)

The Bengals have picked up their britches after giving up five straight losses, pulling themselves back to .500 and now drawing the Detroit Lions en route to a pretty decent shot at finding some air in the AFC Central. The Lions have played considerably better than last season, but have yet to find any answers to getting their own record to reflect that. One factor may be the dramatic fall of Barry Sanders from being a rushing threat, putting all the pressure on a man named Peete: Rodney Peete, that is. Rodney's done his best to keep his team in close games, but Barry will need to get back on track against one of the league's worst rush defenses to give the Lions some teeth again.

Quarter One
Harold Green's fall from grace had never been more apparent than in Cincinnati's first drive, which featured him running twice into his own linemen and fumbling the ball over to Ray Crockett on third down. Detroit faced their own struggles over the first two plays, with Peete unable to find open men. Unfortunately, Cincinnati must have recorded the part of the tape where Barry Sanders makes catches out of the backfield with coverage of the Fish Toss at Fountain Square, as they totally left him wide open to bring Peete's pass to paydirt on third down.

Detroit leads 7-0

The Lions blitzed Boomer on three straight plays, but only managed to fluster him for two when he found Green open on 3rd and long to set up a fresh set of downs. Green bailed the Bengals out again on another third down situation with a long run into the red zone. With the targets set to Green, Esiason finally got some breathing room and found a sliding Tim McGee just across the end zone for a game-tying score.

Score tied 7-7

Quarter Two
Like your Grandmother and her classically-trained turkey carving, Peete sliced and diced his way past the Cincinnati secondary, leading to a needled pass to Brent Perriman at the 15-yard line. Peete took it on his own over the next two plays, falling a yard short on third down to set up a crucial call by head coach Wayne Fontes on 4th-and-goal. Emboldened perhaps by their negative win-to-loss ratio, the Lions went for broke on 4th down, leading to a somewhat rare incompletion by Peete in the end zone.

Harold Green was called on once more to get his team as far away from the inch line as possible, successfully moving his team forward until Esiason's flea flicker attempt was picked off. With just under a minute remaining in the quarter, the Lions finish what they started earlier with a Peete-to-Herman Moore touchdown connection of 55 yards.

Detroit leads 14-7

Halftime - Lions 14, Bengals 7

Quarter Three
As it has all year, Detroit's new-look rushing attack featured Rodney Peete taking the ball on a few bootlegs to get the Lions in scoring territory. However, in a more traditional fashion, Peete went to the air to attack the porous Bengals' back four and find Herman Moore once again for their second touchdown and Peete's third of the day.

Detroit leads 21-7

Lions' rookie cornerback and future XFL star for the Los Angeles Outlaws, Kevin Scott, intercepted Boomer's first pass of the drive to cut their comeback campaign a bit short. With a more comfortable lead, the Lions finally put Barry's feet on the turf with Peete's first pitch to the explosive back going for 25 yards. The formula was put back on the shelf, however, with Peete lacing it once more to another reciever, tight end Jimmie Johnson, for another 30+ passing touchdown.

Detroit leads 28-7

Time was running out on the Bengals who needed a big play to pull somewhat closer to Detroit, though with Esiason's arm in question they pulled off a trick play to power runner Derrick Fenner that was on its way to netting 30 yards before he fumbled it back over to Ray Crockett for the heart-stabbing turnover as the quarter expired.

Quarter Four
Even with Peete throwing for short gains, his receivers were still able to gather large amounts of ground, including a 10-yard pass to Perrima to start the quarter going for another 47. Sanders finally got his first score over the next two plays that saw him catching a short pass, along with a pitch, to show off his still-explosive speed for Detroit's first non-Peete involved touchdown of the day.

Detroit leads 35-7

Green's ground game was less than inspired over the next few plays of Cincinnati's possession, so Esiason opted to go to him through the air, successfully connecting with the former Trojan for the Bengals' second touchdown.

Detroit leads 35-14

Sanders picked up the fated onside kick and trampled his way to the Cincinnati 35-yard line, unable to burst past kicker Jim Breech. He was able to close off those remaining yards, however, with two runs to give him just his twelfth touchdown of the season, but his third on the day.

Detroit leads 42-14

With just 47 seconds remaining and the Bengals looking for something positive, they opted to show that they're still the best flea-flicking team in the league. The campaign took a few steps back, however, when Green tossed the ball back to a flattened Boomer and William White picked it up for Detroit to run out the clock on a rare Thanksgiving win.

Final Score: Lions 42, Bengals 14

The Lions laid a turducken-sized thumping on Cincinnati in a game the Bengals needed to win to keep up with the surging Houston and Pittsburgh teams in their division. Though it was just Detroit's third win of the season, it was a dominating one in their first time in the national spotlight this year. Rodney Peete's gunslinging still has him gunning for Comeback Player of the Year, and his growing corps of weapons can only be promising for the Lions future in spoiling other teams' quests for postseason play. This was perhaps the turning point in Cincinnati's once-promising season, exposing them as the turkeys they are. Rodney Peete and his four throwing touchdowns may have his hotel door getting a lot of knocks tonight, yet it was Barry Sanders' three scores and dominant second half that have him feasting on the spoils of a Turkey Day award in the early game.

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Game Two
Phoenix (1-9) at Dallas (6-4)

With Dallas heating up at the right time and the Cardinals playing perhaps their worst football since moving from Racine Street, we're only expecting another Thanksgiving Day stuffing with the high-powered Cowboys' offense trampling all over Phoenix. Of course, we'll still see the glimmers of hope with Chris Chandler throwing a similar 5-for-25 for 400 yards, though their one win during Monday Night may as well be the highlight of this rather dismal season that even we here at the Tecmo Bowl weren't jaded enough to predict.

Quarter One
The Cardinals moved backwards on their first drive, with a 7-yard sack being the only movement from the line of scrimmage. To add insult to even more insults being hurled at the league-worst Cardinals' defense, the usually complex-but-misguided Irvin reverse fooled Phoenix for a 58-yard gain. Daryl Johnston uncharacteristically ran in for Dallas' first score, only highlighting where this day was headed for the Cardinals.

Dallas leads 7-0

The Cowboys went up by two scores when Chandler found himself on the bottom of a Dallas dogpile, coughing the ball up to Charles Haley to run it in for a 40-yard score. The game was already a runaway with Troy and Emmitt not even showing up on the scoreboard yet.

Dallas leads 14-0

Phoenix's first positive amount of yardage comes just when the quarter headed towards its end, as Chandler crossed the midfield point with a 24-yard scamper. The next two plays, however, had a riled up Dallas defense coming down on Chandler with two straight blitzes to knock the Cardinals back to their own 32-yard line.

Quarter Two
With a change of scenery and Chris Chandler's arm fed a few more quarters, he lobbed up a desperation pass to Ricky Proehl near the Dallas 2-yard line. The jump ball was brought in by the soft hands of Clayton Holmes, however, who ran it back to the Dallas 11-yard line. Aikman completed what was surprisingly just his first pass of the game to Jay Novacek, though the usually dependable tight end out of Wyoming bobbled it over to safety Michael Zordich. With the Cardinals given a rare second chance, Chandler continued to build up an unfortunate rapport with cornerback Holmes as the rookie pulled in his second interception in as many passes from Chandler. Dallas' next drive burned Phoenix for their amateur play with Aikman picking apart the defense and unleashing Emmitt Smith for 40-something yards, capped off by a 14-yard reception to score a more traditional Dallas touchdown.

Dallas leads 21-0

Unable to find a way to break through the Cowboys' defense, Phoenix called a few trick plays, finally rewarded by a Ricky Proehl reverse that nets 50 yards. With time running under a minute until halftime, however, the Cardinals are forced to revert back to looking for the big play. Though Johnny Bailey found a hole for 22 yards to set up Phoenix for at least 3 points, Greg Davis and his balsa wood leg had the Cardinals banking off the left upright headed into halftime. However, with 15 seconds still left on the clock, Dallas proved that no amount of time is short enough for Emmitt Smith to run 78 yards to score.

Dallas leads 28-0

Halftime - Cowboys 28, Cardinals 0

Quarter Three
Kelvin Martin was taken out by the Cardinals on the opening kickoff. Though it doesn't limit the amount of attacks in Dallas' arsenal, it did prove their vulnerability and give Phoenix's defense some new wind to keep them from scoring on their first drive of the half. Unfortunately, they still had to run out their offense that, still suffering their personality disorder, went 3-and-out on the ensuing drive. The quarter ended as it began with Aikman cutting the Cardinals apart with a slow, methodical drive.

Quarter Four
After tacking on to his league-leading yards by getting his team to midfield, Emmitt Smith gave way to the capable arm of his quarterback as Aikman found Michael Irvin 40 yards away to get into threatening position once more. Opting to sit Smith on the next play, Aikman, perhaps to win a bet, ran a bootleg to score himself and put Dallas up by a very much insurmountable lead.

Dallas leads 35-0

After figuring out that Johnny Johnson wasn't actually on the injured reserves list, Chandler found his man at midfield and watched Johnson show off his legs to the Dallas 15-yard line. The two-headed Johnny attack returned, even if it was just for a short sweet, second, when Bailey ran up the middle untouched for Phoenix's obligatory score.

Dallas leads 35-7

The Cardinals surprised nobody with an onside kick, though Aikman did raise a few eyebrows in running it back to just outside the red zone. Johnston tried to get involved in a score once again, but the presence of a certain safety once again struck the fear of Zordich in Johnston, causing him to cough it up to the one bright spot in Phoenix's defense. Starting at their own 30 after the return, Chandler got his team down to the end zone with a 26-yard throw to Randal Hill, followed up by a pitch to Bailey in the face of a blitz that covered up the final 54 yards for Phoenix's second consecutive score.

Dallas leads 35-14

Smith picked up the onside kick this time, and followed it up with a 49-yard score to slide the icy knife into Phoenix's back and cement the Cowboys' dominant Thanksgiving win.

Dallas leads 42-14

After four touchdowns were scored in the last quarter alone, Bailey tried his best to make it a fifth with a long return that fell just short of a rare exciting touchdown for Phoenix.

Final Score: Cowboys 42, Cardinals 14

It was a game similar to its earlier match-up in score only, with the Cowboys hardly looking weak at all save for a few untimely turnovers. Though Emmitt Smith was once again the story for Dallas on offense, it was a tough defense that never let Chandler get going on one of his normally explosive attacks. Dallas was just .500 three weeks ago, but since then have won three in a row in what could conservatively be called dominating fashion to put the heat on Philadelphia and Washington in their division. Phoenix fell to a league-worst 10th loss, and now the only thing that can stop the bleeding in the southwest would be Freddie Joe Nunn strongbox-sized hemorrhage.

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With the headache of the holiday over, it's time to get back into the thick of the battle. There's some interesting match-ups today, setting up what's sure to be some hot races down the line. Week 12 generally represents the last gasp for a lot of teams, so let's do some cannonballs and see which teams will float to the surface, and which will sink while attached to the dead weight of Dave Krieg. Due to the heft of our Thanksgiving recaps, we'll present this week's games in abbreviated haiku form.

1:00 Games

Buffalo (5-5) * Atlanta (8-2)

Bills score late to win

Miller still wins the air game

Broussard is a bust

Final Score: Bills 28, Falcons 24

Kansas City (2-8) * Seattle (2-8)

Suck-fest in the West

Seattle has Krieg's number

Stan "Joe Cool" today

Final Score: Seahawks 20, Chiefs 14

Miami (6-3-1) * Houston (7-3)

Dolphins outlast Moon

Marino nearly perfect

Duncan one man show

Final Score: Dolphins 31, Oilers 24

San Diego (8-2) * Tampa Bay (4-6)

Chargers can't be beat

Vinny, more picks than catches

Bucs not in same league

Final Score: Chargers 17, Buccaneers 6

Minnesota (7-3) * Cleveland (5-5)

Vikings eke one out

Gannon strangely efficient

Browns losing ground fast

Final Score: Vikings 24, Browns 17

Green Bay (4-6) * Chicago (6-4)

Muster still the man

Bears win despite Harbaugh

Favre reeks of rookie

Final Score: Bears 24, Packers 10

Philadelphia (7-3) * New York Giants (3-7)

Walker fools New York

Eagles step out from Dallas

Hoss to change his name

Final Score: Eagles 35, Giants 14

4:00 Games

New Orleans (8-2) * Washington (6-4)

Hebert has off day

Heyward bails out with big game

Saints hang for ninth win

Final Score: Saints 17, Redskins 13

San Francisco (8-2) * Los Angeles Rams (4-6)

L.A. scores upset

Everett out-Youngs Steve Young

Rams still thorn in side

Final Score: Rams 34, 49ers 31

Pittsburgh (6-4) * Indianapolis (2-8)

Steelers remain hot

Foster over two hundred

Smells in Hoosier Dome

Final Score: Steelers 27, Colts 14

Los Angeles Raiders (5-5) * Denver (4-6)

Raiders take step back

Chargers send Denver champagne

Todd is no Elway

Final Score: Broncos 37, Raiders 14

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Tomorrow night will be bittersweet as we swing up to visit the New England Patriots in our last featured game of teams yet to be featured. From here, it'll be big games upon big games, suddenly meaning the possibility of my head no longer meeting my keyboard. But before we get ahead of ourselves, I'll have one more romantic weekend between my forehead and the space bar when Millen takes his team against the recently anemic New York Jets. The last time we saw Nagle and Co., they were mired in a tie in the biggest game of their season while Nagle floundered in the spotlight. He gets an immediate chance at redemption, and should come away with a few more supermodel phone numbers going up against a Patriots team that only have a defense because it's mandated by the league.One bright spot for New England includes their running back, Kevin Turner, who's recent one-man wrecking crew gimmick is peaking at just the right time for us to view this debacle.

Week Nine: Mesmerized by the Mane of Munoz

The sun has risen on our first November weekend of football, and the mood around the Tecmo Bowl offices has dropped off considerably. Things are about to pick up as we turn the page on the first half of the season. Some teams have fought out of holes to get back to a clean slate, while others have so much dust in their eyes they'll need absinthe to clear them. With a majority of the games consisting of divisional dust-ups, it's sure to get pretty hairy pretty quickly, and not just because Anthony Munoz is out there guiding Boomer's blind side. So let's stop splitting hairs, and start splitting craniums as we dive into Week Nine!

 

1:00 Games

Phoenix (0-7) * San Francisco (6-1) 

The Northern Cardinal is a mid-sized songbird with a body length of 21 centimeters (8.3 inches). It has a distinctive crest on the head and a mask on the face which is black in the male and gray in the female. The male is a vibrant red, while the female is a dull red-brown shade. The Northern Cardinal is mainly granivorous, but also feeds on insects and fruit. Sorry, we thought an ornithological study of the cardinal may have been more intriguing than the actual results of this football contest featuring the representative mascot of Phoenix's terrible football team.

Final Score: 49ers 41, Cardinals 21

Buffalo (3-4) * New England (1-6)

The bye week method works for the Bills, as they come storming out to stomp all over their divisional little brothers. Thurman Thomas gets back in the rushing title race with 9 carries for 109 yards to pick up Jim Kelly's continual slumping. Kevin Turner was resilient for his team, carrying the ball 19 times for 121 yards (along with another 32 receiving) but his performance was lost behind his horrible quarterback and defense. It appears New England is in hurry-up mode to snatch up that good looking guy out of Washington State.

Final Score: Bills 28, Patriots 10

New Orleans (6-1) * Tampa Bay (4-3)
Facing their first test outside of the division, the Buccaneers acquire a solid 'D' for their performance. Not for defense, as they allowed Bobby Hebert to add to his career-high numbers with 254 yards throwing. Not for dominance, though Reggie Cobb had a solid day with 93 yards rushing on 9 attempts. And certainly not for daring, as Vinny Testaverde played very conservatively once again to keep his team from really challenging the Saints. If anything, it was for 'Daytona Beach Golf & Country Club', where they'll certainly be come postseason time yet again.

Final Score: Saints 17, Buccaneers 7

San Diego (5-2) * Indianapolis (2-5)
Blame the weak schedule, maybe even blame backup quarterback Bob Gagliano's piercing stare, but the Chargers continue to stay out of the kinds of slumps that hurt other teams fighting for a top spot in their division. Stan Humphries kept the gag order on Gagliano for another week with his stellar 271 yard passing performance, while Nate Lewis continues working on nailing down a Pro Bowl seat with 139 yards catching on the day. It appears while Jeff George is looking for answers in the locker room, head coach Ted Marchibroda is looking for some company at the bottom of his Johnnie Walker.

Final Score: Chargers 27, Colts 7

Green Bay (2-5) * Detroit (1-6)
Though the records may indicate otherwise, it was an intriguing match-up of two quarterbacks in breakout years battling in a shoot-out to determine the worst team in the NFC Central. The Lions pull into a fourth-place tie with Green Bay behind Rodney Peete's 222 throwing yards, a few behind Brett Favre's 274. Though Favre won the yardage contest, Peete was playing off his rocker with an 88% accuracy to Favre's 60% with a pick. Barry Sanders got back on the wagon, running just a shade under 100 yards. Though it's a little late, with all cylinders now firing in Detroit it appears the Lions are ready to play spoiler.

Final Score: Lions 33, Packers 17

Minnesota (6-1) * Chicago (4-3)
The Vikings lose the return game against Chicago, who scored late to pull out the victory. It appears every year, just as the temperatures drop sub-20 in the midwest, the Bears heat up--and now, after their third divisional victory in a row, the Bears are just a game behind Minnesota. It wasn't the prettiest day for Jim Harbaugh, lobbing up 205 yards with 2 interceptions, but his ruggedness once again won the day over pretty boy Rich Gannon's 121 yards. It did not, however, win over that pretty young lady that maced him after the game at the Weather Mark Tavern.

Final Score: Bears 21, Vikings 17

Cincinnati (3-4) * Cleveland (4-3)
Cleveland head coach Bill Belichick gets a lot of credit for his football smarts, but wishing for one hundred more wishes from that genie on his offseason trip to the Mideast puts his genius on par with Pulitzer prize winners. It appears his Browns' team's luck continues to ride on equal parts luck and equal parts Kevin Mack, whose 129 all-purpose yards put his team over the Bengals in this divisional contest. Cleveland's defense also continued to dominate, shutting out the Cincinnati offense in the second half. And with Boomer Esiason's 53 total yards passing, it's beginning to smell like a David Klingler Christmas.

Final Score: Browns 17, Bengals 7

4:00 Games

New York Giants (3-4) * Washington (3-4)

The game wasn't as close as the final score indicates, with the Redskins watching the 4th quarter from the locker room and still winning this very important midseason division match-up. David Meggett had a mild return to his glory days, hustling it for 115 yards in place of an injured Rodney Hampton, keeping up with this season's surprise, Earnest Byner, and his 110 rushing yards. Despite all of their struggles, the Redskins are making it a race in the NFC East, while the Giants have yet to rediscover the magic that made them a contender last year. Jeff Hostetler's mustache has taken a lot of heat for the bad luck, which means there's only one solution: grow it out even bushier.

Final Score: Redskins 21, Giants 14

Atlanta (6-1) * L.A. Rams (3-4)

As the Falcons fight for each win just to keep up with their division mates, the Rams come along and spoil it for them. Division champions a year ago, the Rams have all but become an afterthought this season, though their late-game field goal may have spoiled any plans Atlanta had for January. Reading like a stat line from 1991, Cleveland Gary had over 100 rushing yards, while Jim Everett had 260 passing yards, 107 to Flipper Anderson. Los Angeles climbs back to .500, while Atlanta climbs to a front row seat to watch what they hope is the mushroom cloud left behind from New Orleans and San Francisco slamming into each other.

Final Score: Rams 26, Falcons 24

Dallas (4-3) * Philadelphia (5-3)

The Eagles avoid falling into a tie for the division lead with a win over the challenging Cowboys. It was dicey for a while, until Philadelphia's 14 unanswered points in the 4th quarter put them ahead for good. Emmitt Smith continued to rush for the league lead with 122 yards on 14 attempts, but with Troy Aikman's failings at throwing passes to his own receivers, it was too much for him to answer the call. And lest you think it was Randall Cunningham leading his team to victory, we should mention it was Herschel Walker's uncharacteristic 100 rushing yards that helped his team claim the victory and top spot in the NFC East.

Final Score: Eagles 28, Cowboys 17

Pittsburgh (3-4) * Houston (5-2)

With the Steelers riding a 3-game win-streak, it was up to this rag-tag group of bone-breakers to beat the perennial division champion Houston Oilers to prove they were back in the race. And for the second time this season, the Steelers pulled out a victory over the defending champions by shutting them out in the second half and continuing to ride league-leading rusher Barry Foster and his 127 yards on teh ground. Neil O'Donnell played a part in the victory as well, out-throwing Warren Moon 185 yards to 169, with just 1 interception to Moon's 3. And suddenly, the AFC Central is becoming a popular holiday destination.

Final Score: Steelers 20, Oilers 14

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With all of the Week Nine divisional battles occurring today, perhaps the biggest and most important one will take place Monday night between the New York Jets and Miami Dolphins. With both currently occupying a share of the AFC East top spot, this game will showcase which team is ready to take the lead as they fight on the national stage. On Miami's side, they've got the veteran presence of Dan Marino making magic with anyone they put on the field with him, while New York continues to ride the tide of Browning Nagle, who's stepped out from Ken O.Brien's holdout to lead his team to 5 wins. While most of this is attributed to his team's league-best defense and the dynamic duo of Brad Baxter and Blair Thomas, there's something to be said for Browning's composure with the pressure put on him. We'll see how far he goes on Monday night, but if there's one thing we know about the Jets, it's their propensity for finding overlooked heroes and driving them into the dirt.

Monday Night Football: Indianapolis vs. Detroit

Get Bentley'd

Indianapolis travels north on I-469 to Detroit for a Monday Night Football clash with some incredibly poignant implications. The Colts are within one win of a first-place tie with the Bills, while Detroit can enter the land of wins, which hasn't become too exclusive in recent days. Albert Bentley is on the bus with the Colts for the trip, returning from a mysterious injury in Week One. On the other end of the ball is Barry Sanders, who has yet to score a rushing touchdown this year, a statistic that seems exponentially related to Detroit's winning percentage. Indianapolis' run defense is middle-of-the-road, but you can believe they're ready to stop the run as Rodney Peete has yet to show any sort of a threat in the air. Although they are both classic franchises within the NFL itself, the history between these two teams isn't filled with too many storylines, so hopefully Jeff George and crew can make a few before I run out of things to say.


Quarter One
The host team wins the toss and elects to receive. Mel Gray brings the ball out to the Detroit 12-yard line and the men from the Motor City get to work. The first play from scrimmage is a Barry Sanders pitch that's good for 17 yards. The second play is a lateral to Sanders is good for another 16, and the Detroit offense looks to be running on all cylinders. After two batted away passes, however, the well-oiled machine now looks like a Volkswagen lemon, and on 3rd and 10 when Peete's pass is nearly picked off, the Lions will be lucky if they can be salvaged for spare parts.

He not only catches footballs, he births them

Indianapolis takes advantage of their new Bentley-fied offense with a pitch to Ivy Joe Hunter for a yard. Dennis Gibson eats Jeff George for breakfast, or dinner, we're not sure when he woke up today, and it's third and long. George shows off his Fighting Illini credentials on the next play with a long pass to a wide-open Bill Brooks for 36 yards into Detroit territory. The storybook beginning for the schoolboy legend playing for his hometown comes to a startling cliffhanger, however, when he's sacked twice by Chris Spielman, with the second one being on 3rd and 26. Something tells us this villain won't be one to go away in the next chapter or two.

After being pushed back from the Detroit 45 to their own 28-yard line, Indianapolis punts it over to the Lions, with Mega-Boot Rohn Stark still limiting Detroit to a touchback with a monster 70+ yard punt. Peete gets his first completion to a man with the last name of Johnson and the first name that is not Calvin, at least not quite yet. Richard Johnson brings it into Indianapolis territory as time expires in the quarter.

Quarter Two
Peete momentarily forgets that he has a SkyNet cyborg on his team named Barry Sanders, and runs a bootleg for 12 yards twice in a row. After the resounding success of these two running plays, Peete gets a little too greedy and forces a pass out of bounds on both first and second down. On 3rd and 10, Peete drops back to pass, and Jeff Herrod drops him back a few more yards for a sack to take the Lions out of field goal range.

Like a wild stallion riding into the sunset of his career

The Colts start from their own 20-yard line after another touchback, and Albert Bentley gets his first play from scrimmage for a 21-yard dash around the right side. After this gracious display of sportsmanship from the Lions defense, they pounce on Bentley during the next play for a 5-yard loss. Jeff George puts the team on his back and gallops the necessary 15 yards for a first down, and them promptly bucks them all off when he tosses up two horrible-looking ducks for incompletions. On 3rd-and-10 from the Detroit 43-yard line, George's pass to Jessie Hester is good for 27 yards and the Colts are trotting right along. Detroit uncorks the thorn from its collective paws and stuffs Hunter, while on second down they paw away a pass by George. It's third down inside the red zone, and the Colts come back to life just in time, trampling over the Lions with a beautiful strike from George to Bentley in the end zone.

Indianapolis leads 7-0

With 53 seconds left in the half, the Lions start from their own 32-yard line. Knowing his options are limited, Peete goes with the most undesirable one and lobs up an interception to Chris Goode in Detroit territory with plenty of time remaining for another Indy score.

From the Detroit 47-yard line, George surveys his own options, scanning the field for a wide open Brooks and Hester. When he can't distinguish their routes beneath his increasingly furrowed brows, he chucks it behind him to Hunter for a loss of 4 yards and an unfortunate amount of clock time. Hunter is given the ball in a more conventional manner on second down, and he graciously runs down the clock on this uninteresting half of football.

Halftime - Colts 7, Lions 0

Quarter Three

I don't think he's down yet; better keep piling on!

Clarence Verdin is the recipient of an inadequate Eddie Murray kickoff, and he returns it to a very desirable field position at the Indianapolis 48-yard line. An Albert Bentley pitch gets the ball to exactly midfield, and then a perfect toss to Hester gets the ball to exactly within Code Blue field position for Detroit. Pat Beach gets involved with a bumbling five-yard catch-and-run in which he sheds about ten defenders, but can't quite get the eleventh to uncork his hands, and falls down at the 3-yard line. Bentley gets an opportunity for the first rushing touchdown of his short season, but instead decides to crash into the brick wall of Ray Donaldson's ass. George opts for the easier route, and tosses a fade to Bill Brooks in the corner of the end zone to move Indianapolis' chances at a possible Week 4 first place tie with Buffalo from laughable to George Lopez laughable.

Indianapolis leads 14-0

Rodney Peete does his best Heisman trophy impersonation

Mel Gray returns an equally opportunistic kick from Dean "It's soo-chie" Biasucci across midfield to the Colts' 48 yard-line. Peete overshoots Robert Clark on first down, and we here at The Tecmo Bowl are  beginning to understand that whole 'No Rushing TDs for Barry Sanders' thing. Peete spit-shines that philosophy even more when, while connecting with Aubrey Matthews for a 15-yard gain, promptly takes a blitz for a loss of 9 on the next play and tosses the ball out of bounds on second down. With 3rd-and-19 and a frothing Jeff Herrod staring at them in the face, the Detroit offense pulls off one of the trickier slot passes seen in Tecmo to Matthews, who gets the 19 yards plus one needed for a first down. The Lions and Barry Sanders are stopped on the next two plays, but Rodney Peete roars back when he sheds multiple defenders for a 16-yard touchdown run.

Indianapolis leads 14-7

Verdin returns a more traditional Murray kick to the Colts' 25-yard line. The third quarter ends with a long Hester reception into Detroit territory, busting open the Lake Michigan levees and washing away hopes of a Detroit comeback.

Quarter Four
And Chris Spielman starts building those levees back up with his third sack of the game. A Bentley pitch is picked, and ol' Uncle Alby is almost put back on a stretcher. On 3rd-and-23 back on their own side of the field, George overshoots Hester by a good 10 yards and somewhere on the sidelines, QB Bills and Co. are suiting up in silver and Honolulu blue.

The famous Barry Sanders tight-rope run

Detroit begins what will come to be known as 'The Motor City Melee' by Steve Sabol's writers with Peete absorbing a Jeff Herrod sack on first down. The second play from scrimmage is a tipped pass that falls harmlessly out of bounds. On 3rd-and-19, a pivotal sack by Sam Clancy gets the t-shirt presses in Indonesia cranked into high gear, but Wayne Fontes tosses conventional wisdom aside and shouts "Nobody punts in Tecmo!", and fucking goes for it on 4th-and-28 from the shadow of their own goal post. And in true Tecmo fashion, a Barry Sanders pitch is good for 46 yards to midfield. After this miraculous turn of events, Detroit soon faces another third down situation, to which they wisely entrust Sanders to convert once more. The glory is all Robert Clark's, however, when on the very next play he brings down a Rodney Peete pass for a touchdown.

Score tied 14-14

Verdin rumbles to the Indianapolis 42-yard line with nearly a minute and a half to go. With enough Bentley runs combined with no Chris Spielman sacks, the Colts may have a chance to kick their way into unheard-of territory within the AFC East. However, showing the infamous unconventional play-calling that usually gets them a perennial 2-14 record, Rick Venturi calls for two Jeff George passing plays that fall predictably incomplete. On 3rd-and-10, Ivy Joe Hunter is entrusted with the incredibly important conversion, and proves why his followers in Twitter are dozens less than Barry Sanders with a 5-yard run that doesn't exactly tick away the necessary amount of seconds. But the Colts didn't travel all this way for an overtime loss, and on 4th and 5 from their own 44-yard line, the Colts dig down deep and go for it. George lobs it up to Hunter, who bobbles and drops the ball. Venturi is seen pocketing an envelope with a very clear blue buffalo logo in the corner.

Who said these two couldn't exhibit exciting
and/or inept football?

With 21 seconds left to strike a final blow, Peete tosses a shovel pass to Sanders, who trucks it down the middle of the field, leaving defenders in his wake. Amazingly, he trips over a rift in the space-time continuum and falls over at the 2-yard line, sending this game into OT for the first time since we began covering them, much to this writer's seething disgust.

Overtime - Colts 14, Lions 14

Overtime
The home team wins the toss, and the momentum shift is more noticeable than the transmission of a '48 Lincoln. Sanders, the obvious horse of Fontes' overtime schematics, takes the first two plays for a total of 31 yards into field goal land. When his next play is blitzed for a loss of 6, the Lions decide to go to the air. The choice, in hindsight, could be diagnosed as a poor one by focus groups of coaches and men wearing beer helmets when Peete is intercepted in the end zone for an Indianapolis touchback.

This picture will be used for all 'Wanted' posters in Indiana

Bentley can't TCOB when he's blitzed for a loss of 6 on first down. George is reunited with Spielman on the next play for a loss of 12, putting the Colts in precarious position at their own 2-yard line. And then, in what could only be described as a twist on the modern-day home-grown quarterback legend, the villain Chris Spielman claims the spoils when he vanquishes the hero and safeties Detroit into their first win.

Detroit leads 16-14

Final: Lions 16, Colts 14 (OT)



This wasn't an easy game to watch, let alone write about, but the ending made it probably the most worthy of all games to recount this week. Don't get me wrong, the forced intrigue I wrote about early on did sort of get my Tecmo juices flowing, but right after the first kick-off I immediately began looking for pencils to sharpen or doorknobs to tighten. The first half didn't disappoint in its suckitude, but as soon as the Colts scored again, I started to take notice. A 3-1 Colts squad? Please write me if any of you in Tecmo land have seen this before, and I'll send you a notarized certificate asking you to "get out of town!" Unfortunately, the Lions struck back, and we didn't even get a Barry Sanders touchdown to show for it. The Colts go to 2-2 and will more than likely never recover, Bills fans everywhere rejoice their blasphemous lifestyles, and this writer will go to bed a more angst-ridden and jaded individual.